The Wild Wild West (1965) s02e15 Episode Script

I don't know who sent us these tickets, but whoever it was, it was no friend.
Right.
Last one out is a rotten egg.
Behold! The sword of Ishtar.
To the one who wields this, all things are possible.
Behold once more.
Noble lords, for your astonishment, here is King Solomon's throne.
King Solomon, who unraveled the secrets of the infinite, all its joys and all its terrors.
Is there anyone here who would dare sit where the mighty Solomon sat? Who will volunteer? Ah.
Yasine, of the gazelle-like eyes.
It will be her lovely hand that seeks out the lucky one.
Many are called, but only few are chosen.
That concludes our performance for this evening, ladies and gentlemen, and, uh, thank you.
That was a good act you booked.
Where'd it go? You tell me.
They didn't come through there.
Didn't come through there, either.
How about this floor? Floor's solid.
No cellar, no trapdoors.
It's just like there- There never was anything on the stage at all.
There was someone here, all right.
He left his calling card.
"N.
B.
V.
Vicksburg, Mississippi.
" Jim! Jim! Jim! Jim! Jim! Arty? Jim! Arty? Jim! Jim! Arty! Whiskey, please.
And I'd like some change too.
Thank you.
I'm looking for a member of this club.
Yes, sir.
You give me his name, I'll be most happy to direct you.
I'm sorry, but the initials will have to do.
N.
B.
V.
N.
B.
V.
? No, sir, I don't recall any member with those initials.
Do you, Mr.
Scoffield? Are you, um, a previous member of this regiment, sir? Uh, not exactly.
Our outfit exchanged shots during the unpleasantness.
Does, uh, that qualify me? Why not? About those initials.
Sorry, I don't recall them at all.
Sorry, gentlemen.
I didn't mean to jar you.
You jarred me into remembering who N.
B.
V.
is.
This is his saber.
I know it.
I'll return it to him.
No! No, that won't be necessary.
If you'll direct me, I'd like to return it personally.
You turn loose of that sword, or you'll get cut! Your change, sir.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
I knocked and no one answered.
My name is West.
James West.
Yes, Mr.
West? This is Live Oak Manor, isn't it? Live Oak? I'm terribly sorry, Mr.
West, but, uh, I've never even heard of this Live Oak place you mentioned, or anyone by the name of- You'll get used to my dear niece Amanda's unpredictable flights of humor, Mr.
West.
Colonel Noel Bartley Vautrain.
Your servant, sir.
How good of you to return my saber.
Is it your saber, colonel? See for yourself.
Your saber indeed, colonel.
You know, I have the oddest feeling that I've been in this house some time before, but I can't recall.
Perhaps a light might help you remember.
Abu the Magnificent.
You present a problem, colonel.
I don't know whether to applaud or sink to my knees.
No question of divinity, Mr.
West.
They are just, uh, magician's illusions.
The art of legerdemain.
Magical diversions.
Tricks.
Most impressive.
But speaking of tricks, don't you think it's time Mr.
Gordon reappeared? Oh, dear me.
You brought your appetite with you, I trust? About Mr.
Gordon.
Ahh.
But here comes Amanda, a radiantly lovely addition to the dinner table.
We were speaking about Mr.
Gordon.
No, Mr.
West.
You were.
My topic was dinner.
You will join us, won't you? I'm sure Mr.
West can be persuaded, colonel.
Captain Scoffield, Mr.
West.
I've met Captain Scoffield.
Aagh! All right, captain, that will do.
After all, if Mr.
West would rather not join us at dinner What ever gave you that idea, colonel? Actually, I'd be delighted.
Miss Vautrain, would you do me the honor of joining me for dinner? I'd be most pleased and proud, Mr.
West.
My brother's daughter, orphaned by the war.
Quite decorative, isn't she? Exquisite.
Fit to adorn any harem.
Ahh.
There, you see? The observant Mr.
West has penetrated both our disguises.
Yes, Mr.
West, Yasine is willful.
Do you know that it was you she was supposed to lead up to King Solomon's throne? Not your colleague Mr.
Gordon.
I'm sure she must have had some good reason for departing the plan.
Oh, of course.
Something to do with the chiseled cast of your features, I think.
But the important thing is you are finally here.
Is it? Why? Because for seven long years, I have wallowed in my hate for you.
I see.
There must be some reason for that too.
A hint.
It was on one of the many unimportant little skirmish points during the late war between the states.
The gallant captain James West stumbles upon a wounded soldier in the field, a soldier whose legs are shattered.
Dying, actually.
So that was you.
I remember applying tourniquets, but I never thought you'd- That I would live? Oh, yes.
Oh, yes, I lived.
You saved my life, but for what? For a life sentence in this prison on wheels! For that, you must pay.
That makes sense.
What is my penalty? As you can see, my legs are gone.
You are going to help me recover them.
Abu the Magnificent sees all, knows all, tells all.
Ah, now I see you are thinking, "Colonel Vautrain is mad.
" Aren't you? That's right.
You are saying to yourself, "How can one possibly recover legs that are gone?" You'd get up and leave right now except for this.
I might just know the whereabouts of your precious Mr.
Gordon.
Am I right, sir? You're right again.
And since you brought it up, where is Mr.
Gordon? Why, I can see him now.
Quick, Mr.
West, follow me.
No, don't go.
Please.
You'll have to excuse me.
Top of the stairs.
The door to your right.
Come, come.
You mustn't keep your friend waiting.
This is reprehensible.
He's 20 minutes late now.
Is he? Who? If it weren't for the fact that I've know the Maitlands all my life, stood up for Jack when he was christened, as a matter of fact, I'd call off this business right now.
Well, what business is it you're talking about? Sir, I find it difficult to appreciate the levity in this affair.
Now.
Here he is now.
Finally.
Gentlemen.
Sorry if I'm late, gentlemen, but I stopped for a small libation.
Arty.
Sir, if you'd taken the trouble to read the card I gave you last night, you'd see that my name is Jack Maitland.
Then, perhaps you never learned to read, sir.
Gentlemen.
You, sir.
Gentlemen, you're both familiar with the rules governing an affair of honor.
You will address yourselves to the duel until such time as- Hold it.
I just remembered an important appointment elsewhere.
Indeed.
Or is it, perhaps, a sudden drop in the temperature of your lower extremities, country cousin? Now, let's drop it, Maitland.
You will, of course, apologize, sir.
I don't know what for, but, uh, I apologize.
Unacceptable.
You insulted me last night.
You should have apologized last night.
Stand back, gentlemen.
I'm going to stitch up a shroud for Reuben here.
Now, let's drop it, Maitland.
Your honor's satisfied.
That's for honor, sir.
I want this bumpkin's blood.
Stand back, I say.
Now, sir, you are about to get your first lesson in the use of the weapons of defense.
That thing behind you is an épée.
Pick it up.
I said, pick it up.
Your final lesson will be how to die gracefully, in style.
But first I shall give you some of the finer points of fencing.
Levering! Stay where you are, my bucko, unless you want more of what he got.
By glory, if you've killed Levering, I'll- Don't be a fool, Jack.
They have two guns.
That's right.
They have two pistols, haven't they? Now, there's a couple of fine intelligent gentlemen who know when not to make a fuss.
Now throw down them frog-stickers and hand over your purses and your pretties.
Let's not keep the gentleman waiting.
Jack! Heh.
You know, it's an odd thing, Reuben.
By the way, what is your name? West.
James West.
How do you do, James? As I was saying, it's an odd thing, but I have this ridiculous feeling that you and I have done all this before.
Isn't that ridiculous? Well, it was fun while it lasted, wasn't it, James? It's not over yet.
I've gone to too much trouble to find you.
You were trying to find me? So the weary wayworn wanderer is returned.
Pleasant trip? Trip? Where do you think I've been? On a junket through time.
Backwards into the past.
Ahead into the future.
You tell me.
Oh.
Oh.
Arty.
Ah, you've encountered your friend, I see.
Jim That's funny.
I could have sworn I was wounded.
No.
No, I was dead.
Oh, what an awful dream.
Was it, Mr.
Gordon? You are quite sure of that? Colonel Vautrain and his mystifying bag of tricks.
You think it was a trick, some cheapjack illusion performed with the aid of mirrors, perhaps? Or a hallucination, or the simple way of a capsule and a demitasse.
Oh, you disappoint me, Mr.
West.
Your earthbound explanations are so far off the mark.
You're Abu the Magnificent, aren't you? You're the one who sent me off on King Solomon's throne.
Bon voyage, I trust? The colonel is a rather unique travel agent.
Oh, and a most unusual magician too, who is now going to tell us how something that looks like a trick has to be a trick, can only be explained in terms of being a trick, in fact, is in reality, no trick at all.
Isn't that so, colonel? Quite right, Mr.
Gordon.
Observe the bronze bust, gentlemen.
Solid and substantial, you'll agree.
Oh, not necessarily, colonel.
Uh, with your permission? All right, quite so.
Watch this.
Uh, you're going to tell us how you did that, are you not, colonel? Yes, Mr.
Gordon.
I am going to tell you all about what men have dreamed about for a hundred years.
The concept of a warp in the fabric of space, a break that could permit an object, or a group of Marco Polos, if you please, to enter and go voyaging through space's limitless fourth dimension: Time.
Which is what happened to the bronze bust, and which is what happened to you gentlemen too, a while back.
The question was how you do it.
Ah, Mr.
West, there are a lot of tags for the answer to that.
The wise men of India called it tanasukh.
Faith that can move the fabled mountain because you can depend on it.
All the pent-up power of the universe is corralled up here in all of us.
But I have learned the trick of focusing it, releasing it and harnessing it.
I wasn't sure it would work with people, but it does.
Doesn't it, gentlemen? You were killed in that other dimension, and having returned, you are no longer dead.
That is why I am going over tomorrow morning.
Acquiring a fine new set of legs like you gentlemen have has become my heart's desire and I am going to get them.
Why do you need me? You owe it to me, Mr.
West.
There may be perils in the trip.
I may need a pair of stout legs and strong capable arms like yours.
I cannot compel you to accompany me, of course, but I suspect you will.
Your rooms are at the end of the hall.
Good night, gentlemen.
Miss Vautrain.
Fancy meeting you here.
I'm sorry you're here.
That's not a very nice thing to say to a guest.
You know what I mean, Mr.
West.
My uncle- Is an unusual gentleman.
Yes, he is.
Before the war, he was all light and- And laughter and gaiety.
It really was just like a party being with him.
And then Well, since losing his legs How art thou fallen from heaven, O, Lucifer, son of the morning.
If your card isn't all filled up, ma'am, I would consider it an honor if you would let me have this dance.
Listen, you mustn't go with Noel tomorrow.
I have to.
But why? Your friend's back.
There's no longer any reason for you to go.
I'm afraid there is.
If there is a fourth dimension- And I have every reason to believe there is.
-then it's my job to find out it isn't a threat to the security of my country.
But listen to me.
You don't know what Noel has in mind.
He hasn't told you everything.
You don't know what he has in mind.
I do.
Go on, Amanda.
Go on.
Do tell him.
Well, Mr.
West? It's true I am somewhat at a disadvantage, but perhaps after tomorrow, we'll be able to meet each other on more equal terms.
I look forward to that.
Good night, Mr.
West.
I've done it.
I've beaten time to its knees.
Don't you understand, gentlemen? This is Live Oak Manor the way it was.
I know what you're thinking.
If this has been recreated The shining rewards a small journey backwards in time brings, huh, gentlemen? My legs, irretrievably gone, regained, an ancestral home ravaged by a cruel war, soiled and pauperized by an even crueler peace, restored to all its loveliness.
And best of all, the decision of a war that should never have been lost will now be reversed.
Ah! Now we know Colonel Vautrain.
Your side is going to win.
Yes, captain.
Excuse me, sir.
The Union forces are advancing.
We deployed rear guards, but we can't delay them much longer.
Excellent.
This time around, we'll welcome General Grant and his able staff in a more fitting manner.
Arty, I'm beginning to remember a lot of things.
This house, for instance.
Of course.
You were aide-de-camp to General Grant, for whom you commandeered this very house for field headquarters.
Well, if that's true, then those sounds we're hearing outside right now have to be the Battle of Vicksburg.
Is that right? Not three miles distance.
Perhaps you gentlemen would be good enough to tell me what you see in here.
A very impressive ammunition dump.
Left behind by our General Pemberton when he was forced to beat his undignified retreat.
Imagine one dedicated soldier huddled behind his bookshelves- And I reserved that privilege for myself.
waiting for the right moment to apply a match to all that explosive.
So that's what Amanda meant.
From the beginning, your only intention was to assassinate General Grant.
Precisely.
I'll be frank with you, Captain West.
My original intention in persuading you to accompany me was the hope that I might be able to use you as a decoy for General Grant.
Oh, an idle hope, I agree.
At any rate, with Captain Scoffield's good news, neither you or Mr.
Gordon is essential to my plans any longer, so We're to be executed.
With honor, of course.
Captain.
Uh, before you do.
Yes? I hate to bow out of anything still puzzled, so, uh, assuming that you finally succeed in assassinating General Grant, how does that win the war for you? But isn't it obvious? No.
Grant is your one authentic military genius.
With him gone, who will the North turn to for leadership? Meade, Hooker, Burnside? Sherman, perhaps.
He is brilliant in his way, but erratic.
No match, really, for our own Gray Fox.
Captain? If there are going to be any executions, colonel, you're included.
That was a Union shell, captain.
Your artillery always was a little chancy.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, captain, no.
Even if you could lift it off, what do you think you'd find underneath? My- My beautiful new legs, gone.
Crushed.
Get out before it's too late.
That's an order, captain! Do you hear me? If your friend Mr.
Gordon means anything to you, you'll leave right now.
Wait.
Wait a minute.
What about Vautrain, Jim? We can't just leave him behind.
Colonel Vautrain, true to the traditions of his command, fell while fighting.
The door to your right.
Mr.
West.
Mr.
West.
Mr.
West.
Noel.
Where is he? In the library.
No! Please! No! And as the doctor reported, Artemus Gordon suffered a concussion which brought about amnesia, which was responsible for the 36 hours he was missing.
Wait a minute.
What's that all about? I'll take three copies of that, please, Miss Unger.
What concussion? Well, I'm getting ready our report for Colonel Falk.
Yeah, well, right.
Uh, getting ready for report.
What's all this stuff about concussion? Why don't we just tell him the truth? Arty, may I remind you that we went over Live Oak Manor with a fine-toothed comb.
No trace of Colonel Vautrain or the four soldiers, right? Right.
Why make a problem of it? What would you say on the report? I'd tell him exactly what happened.
I was kidnapped by Vautrain and held captive in some kind of fourth-dimensional limbo.
It will never become a major tourist attraction, let me tell you that.
And you came barging in.
Arty- And then we got involved in some kind of an insane plot to assassinate General Grant at the Battle of Vicksburg.
Arty, don't you think that's a little much for Colonel Falk? Yeah, well, much or not, it's the truth, isn't it? All right, gentlemen, report.
Uh, Mr.
Gordon will make the report, colonel.
Well, uh, I know this is going to sound almost unbelievable, colonel, but, uh- Yes? As a matter of fact, I can almost hardly believe it myself.
You see, it's almost like a nightmare.
But in actual fact, there's this warp in Yes? Well, see, it's actua- It's possible to break through- It's really quite simple, sir.
What it is basically is that as a result of a concussion, I had a slight case of amnesia.