TripTank (2014) s02e15 Episode Script
InsideRoy
1 Mommy! Those two men are kissing each other.
Ugh, gross.
Do not look at them, Ricky.
I don't want you to be influenced by [chimes jingling.]
Oh, God, no! Ricky! [music.]
It is too late, Mother.
I have seen everything.
Oh, I love your shoes.
[telephone rings.]
Hello, this is TripTank.
I was watching you on television, and I think you're purple.
Oh, the settings on your TV are probably wrong.
- Your aura is so purple.
- Oh, my aura, cool.
Purple's good, huh? Now that we're talking, I feel like you're green.
Your green aura comes through the phone so clearly.
That's got to be good, right? Oh, wait, no, no.
I've got it now.
- You're poo-poo brown.
- What? No.
- That's not - Oh, you're definitely poo-poo brown.
It's so strong.
Say it with me.
"I'm poo-poo brown.
" - No, I'm not gonna say that.
- I'm poo-poo brown.
No, I'm not gonna say, "I'm poo-poo brown.
" - I'm poo-poo brown.
- I'm poo-poo brown.
[screams.]
It's horrible, man! My eyes! Oh, my goodness! Roy, what's wrong? I need help, buddy.
I need you.
What do you need? I'll do anything.
- I need you inside me, man.
- Anything but that.
Something else, please, name something else I can do.
I seen something unspeakable, a sight so horrific I got tor erase it from my brain.
Don't do it, Roy! You have so much to live for.
What? This is just a shrink ray, man.
I need you to "Inner Space" inside of my body and destroy the memory of that terrible thing I just saw.
Well, I don't really think that's scientifically - Light it up! - [high-pitched.]
Wow! [gulps.]
Godspeed, little Steve.
[Sighs.]
I just I don't know, I'm starting to lose hope.
- None of the drugs - Well, Jim, I've been in this business 30 years.
You are, without a doubt, the saddest guy I've ever met.
[sighs.]
I wasn't gonna do this, but I'm gonna give you something.
It's very experimental.
[sighs.]
[cheerful music.]
What? Hey there, Jim - All: # Don't be sad # - Oh! Because, you know, your little life It isn't so bad It's Monday morning All: # You're feeling blue # But that's about to change Because we're here to help you All: # 'Cause we're the Moodles # Wow, this is incredible.
Who are you guys? All: # We're the Moodles # The magical musical Moodles That doesn't really answer my question.
Chugga, chugga, chugga goes the big old train It goes so fast, it's totally insane No one knows what the big train knows They only know the way it goes It goes [scatting.]
Uh And if we look at the earnings forecast Board meeting, board meeting All: # We're so bored meeting # Nothing more boring [whispering.]
Guys, please, I need to listen to this.
- # Don't lie, Jim # - # You're bored too # - # Now watch this dancy jig # - Stop it! Just shut the [bleep.]
up! [thud.]
- Uh, everything okay, Jim? - Huh? I'm sorry, what? - All: # Oh, boy # - Stop it! We're going home early - # That's a special treat # - It is not a special treat, okay? [grunts.]
Sleep time, sleep time Time for countin' sheep time Sleep time sleep time Both: # Time to go to sleep # - # Sleep time # - # Sleep time # I think I'm gonna kill myself.
- Well - # Don't kill yourself, Jim # - # 'Cause life is too grand # - I had a feeling this might happen.
Especially with the groovy Moodle - Take two of these and call me in the morning.
- # Marching band # - # Singing is magical # - # And singing is fun # All: # And our best songs # Have only just begun That's exactly why I'm doing this.
All: # 'Cause we're the Moodles # The magical musical - It's finally over.
- No, problem, Jim.
Now we got rid of them, we can finally relax, right? With a nice, bitchin' drum circle! Boys! [pounding drums.]
No! [music.]
[screaming.]
Oof! Whoa, it worked.
I'm actually inside Roy.
#insideRoy.
Hey, buddy, I left you a little scooter down there.
Try not to dent it up; it's a rental.
Where the [bleep.]
did he get that? It's adorable.
[telephone rings.]
Hello, TripTank.
Oh, my God! That is so wicked fresh, man.
I can't believe it.
Okay.
I finally got through! Okay, okay.
I'd like to dedicate the next sketch to my girl Ayesha.
Yeah, we don't really do dedications.
Now, I know I've done a lot of terrible shit to you.
But all those others don't mean nothing to me, baby.
Again, TV show.
We don't do dedications.
That Palomino show pony, she was a beautiful horse, - but she means nothing, okay? - Did you say horse? I was just looking at it, and it was wiggling, you know, grinding to the music, you know, getting down, like, for reals.
I'm inside Roy's stomach, and this is still the weirdest thing - that's going on right now.
- You are the only one for me, Ayesha.
This next sketch, this one's for you, petal.
[music.]
- Here you go, sir.
- Thank you, my good man.
And here is a very generous tip.
And let that be a lesson to you, son.
Always be nice to others.
- Ugh, not another one of your lessons, Dad.
- Now, Donnie, this is important.
You have to treat your fellow man with respect.
Ah, darn it.
Bird poop.
[laughs.]
- Dad, you got pooped on.
- Some people say that's good luck.
That's the thing about luck, son.
You make your own in this world.
- You do? - That's right.
With stick-to-it-iveness and a little elbow grease, you can be as lucky as you want to be.
Nobody ever won the lottery with elbow grease, Dad.
Oh, Donnie, luck is not about money.
Take me, for example.
I only earn a modest salary, and I don't have a flashy import car like Jimmy's dad.
Oh, not again.
[laughs.]
This is a new shirt.
Every day is a new day, Donnie.
It's another opportunity to be the man you want to be.
But what do I do when people are mean to me, Dad? Well, you have to learn to turn the other cheek.
You have to be the bigger Shoot! Gosh darn it.
And, gosh darn it, if someone treats you wrong, you just kill them with kindness.
Has anybody ever been mean to you, Dad? Well, that's an interesting question, Donnie.
Uh Yeah, you know, I guess, yes, there are a few people in my life that occasionally I have a little difficult time getting along with.
- Why? - Well, it's a long story, son.
But it all started when Jiminy Crickets! We're getting bombarded out here.
- Dad, this is like a forever day.
- What? I had a great time with you at the park.
- I-I wish this day would last forever.
- Me too, son.
Me too.
God damn it! Stupid birds! Hey, what are you guys doing with your shells? I'm just gulping them down, dude.
Ah, you do not want to do that.
You're gonna tear up your insides, man.
I've been spitting mine into a little pocket I sewed into my bird suit.
- You sewed a pocket in your bird suit? - Heck yeah.
- See, that's just smart.
- Oh, I got a big one brewing.
Where'd Gary go? Suck it, Gary [music.]
We have a 6-4 in progress at a gas station on Main.
- Beer! - Beer! [rock music.]
- Put your hands where I can see them! - On each other's butts.
[honk.]
[both laugh.]
Kick over the beer! [glass breaking.]
Freedom ain't free, kids! [tires screeching.]
[music.]
[panting.]
[telephone rings.]
Hello, TripTank.
Hey, TripTank, how you guys doing? Listen, I caught a guy breaking into my house.
Don't worry, I am fine.
Everything's fine.
But I got him stuck upside-down right now.
What do you mean "stuck upside-down"? I got the battery hooked up to the jumper cables.
Now, it's red to the right nipple, but I just want to make sure.
Is it black to the left nipple or, like, black to ground? [muffled scream.]
You will get what's coming to you, you shit stain! I got a special freezer in my garage full of assholes just like you! - I don't think I can help you, ma'am.
- You know what? I'll just figure it out.
Bye, thanks so much.
- Now, where the hell am I? - Hey, man, I can feel you in there.
You are in the wrong spot.
Ah, Roy's anus.
Fantastic.
Turn around! Get skippin'! [panting.]
[dramatic music.]
Oh, my God.
What the [bleep.]
happened here? - Pete.
- Wha? Steve? Dude, thanks for coming.
I'm in a real bad place right now, man.
- I could sure use a friend.
- What did you do, Steve? You told me on the phone you just had a dead battery and you wanted me to give you a ride home.
That was just code in case someone was listening.
You know, dead battery, dead hooker.
- Dude, everyone knows that.
- Everyone knows that? Oh, my God! She's dead! Steve, I can't be here.
I-I told my wife I'd be right back.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Pete, just hold on a minute.
Now, you asked me six months ago if I ever woke up next to a dead hooker, who would I call? It was a god damn hypothetical.
It was bar banter, the verbal equivalent of darts.
It passes the time! But, okay, okay, I guess I can help her, I don't know, get dressed or something.
Oh, my God! What's that? Oh! Oh! I didn't expect That's a biker with a machete in his [bleep.]
head? Drooling blood.
What the [bleep.]
, Steve? Who is that? Long story.
But the dead hooker, Starla, that's her boyfriend, Diablo.
They were trying to rob me, Petey.
That asshole came in here, waving a gun around as I was jamming Starla from behind.
You should have seen me, man.
You know how I do.
I had to chop his arm off with the machete.
It was self-defense.
- But where did you get a holy shit! - Oh, I can explain that.
That's Starla's pimp, Mr.
Fu.
He walks in here all willy-nilly, "[bleep.]
you, bitch! Give me my money.
" And he slaps her, bro.
And you know me, man.
You know me, Pete.
I will not stand for hitting a woman.
- That That's why you shot a man? - Well, yeah.
Took the gun from the biker.
Self-defense, man.
Okay, yeah, self-defense.
This is crazy.
This is crazy.
[laughs.]
This is crazy, Steve.
You killed a lot of people! Accident, self-defense, you can this is really bad.
Dude, I know.
I'm in over my head, but I'm the good guy.
It's all just a weird series of events.
But the cops will never buy it.
You got to help out your best pal, Petey.
[groaning.]
Mr.
Fu, wash your clothes, man.
[laughs.]
All right.
[both groaning.]
[whistles.]
Whoa! [both sigh.]
That's a load off my mind.
Hey, man, you never told me how that hooker died.
Oh, I strangled her.
Come on, let's get some tacos.
[creepy music.]
[techno music.]
[music.]
- Ooh, Beth, let's go play laser tag.
- No way, Jen.
You know I have PS3D.
Ooh, that sounds scary, Beth.
What is that? It's, like, when lasers give you flashbacks to war and stuff.
Oh, my God, you were in war? Oh, my God! Ryan and Dexter just went into laser tag.
Let's go play! Atten hut! This battle will determine the fate of Terrax 5.
- Fight for the future.
- Oh, my God, what a dork.
You think this is funny, recruit?! - You think this is a game? - Uh, yeah.
It's, like, literally a game.
Laser war is not a game! - Do you want to know how I lost this arm? - Okay, let me guess.
You dropped your butt dildo into a volcano, and you were, like, trying really hard to get it back.
So you reached in, but you were, like, a stupid bitch.
So the lava burned your stupid bitch arm off.
- Obviously! - Ugh, just go battle or whatever.
[sighs.]
Ha! Look at these two.
How can you miss? [lasers firing.]
[groaning.]
The flashbacks! She has PS3D.
I've seen this a few times before.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to put her down.
No! She's my only friend.
She would die for me.
Your friend will die by the Murderlasinator - if you don't - Whatever.
I don't care.
Kill the bitch.
She's, like, super annoying anyway.
[energy pulsing.]
[energy whining.]
Wait, I know how to wake her up.
I'll be right back.
I believe my pelvis is shattered.
Yeah, which means, like, I won the battle of Spacelandia or whatever.
This is nerdy, and I'm bored! [sniffs.]
Oh, my God! What is that delicious smell into my face nose? [robot beeping.]
[chomp.]
[screams.]
Oh, my God! That Cinnablaster was delicious.
Did it have, like, bacon it? [music.]
Well, I definitely took a wrong turn somewhere.
Hey, Roy! Roy, I think I'm lost.
What? You're not in my brain yet? You don't destroy that horrible memory in the next seven minutes, it becomes permanently attached to every fiber of my being.
That's not how science works, Roy.
It just doesn't even make sense.
Oh, you're taking too long.
I'm coming in.
Coming in? What does he even mean "coming in"? - Ho-Ho-Holy shit! - Hop on in, best friend brother.
Wait, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.
How is this even possible? - How are you inside your own - No time to explain.
Here we go! [techno music.]
[both screaming.]
We have a 192 at the art gallery at 9th and Lex.
- Maybe they'll have wine.
- Don't make me shoot you in the face! [rock music.]
Hi-ya! [electricity crackling.]
Big beer! [gunshots.]
[guzzling.]
- You can't ah! - Let this be a lesson to you, hippies! Bald eagles out! [both cawing.]
[glass shatters.]
[eagle shrieks.]
[cheerful music.]
I know a town Where letters dwell Come to Alphabet City and learn to spell Alphabet City, yeah Today's episode, the letter Children: M! Hello, you wanted to see me, Mayor? Children: Mayor! [laughs.]
I sure did.
I got a very important job for you.
Hooray! What kind of job? Ha! [glass shatters.]
Cut the bullshit.
You know exactly what kind of job it is.
- Who's the target? - Her name is G.
Now, I need her taken care of, professionally.
No mistakes.
Children: Mistakes! Well, then, you're in luck, 'cause I don't make 'em.
- My clients are never disappointed.
- If you can, make it quick.
I'll do anything you want, as long as you got the money.
Children: Money! Once I leave this office, that's it.
There's no turning back.
You sure that's what you want? Politics is a dirty business.
Sometimes, you have to tie up loose ends, especially when those loose ends are threatening to [splash.]
Go public with photos of your member.
Children: Member! Sounds like we'd better get right on it.
G sends her regards.
What the hell you think you're doing, son? Like I said [gun cocks back.]
- My clients are never disappointed.
- Jiminetty! [gunshots.]
[groans.]
[music.]
- Nothing personal, old man.
- Mother[bleep.]
.
Children: Mother[bleep.]
! Alphabet City, yeah Man: What the hell is this shit? [smash.]
Which one of you idiots made my cereal this morning? Oh, I should've known, Kevin "the jackass who can't do a god damned thing right if his dick depended on it" Simms.
You're the ignorant asshole who [bleep.]
my morning.
Was there something wrong? Yes, there was something [bleep.]
wrong.
Last week, I explicitly told you that I wanted Oops All Berries cereal.
Does this look like Oops All Berries to you, shit for brains? - Um, no? - No, it doesn't, because it's not Oops All Berries.
It's goddamn, regular-ass Crunch Berry.
And did I tell you to get me regular-ass Crunch Berry? - No.
- So what do you think I expected to see in my [bleep.]
bowl this morning? - Oops All Berries cereal.
- That's right.
Oops All Berries.
Oops All [bleep.]
Berries.
Can you get that through your thick, shitty skull? - Um, sir, they were sold out.
- Oh, oh, "they were sold out.
" Well, how [bleep.]
hard would it be to buy five boxes of regular, shitty-ass Crunch Berry, pour all five boxes into a big goddamned bowl, pick out all the little yellow pieces of shit, throw them in the trash can, pour all the remaining crunch berries back into one of the five boxes, go online, do a Google search for "Oops All Berries," click on Images, find the highest res image of the [bleep.]
box, print the image out on sticker paper, put the sticker on the front of the shitty Crunch Berry box, and pour me a bowl of goddamn Oops All Berry cereal like I told you do in the first place? - Now, how [bleep.]
hard is that? - Um, not very? That's right, shit head.
Not very [bleep.]
hard.
Oops All [bleep.]
Berries.
[slam.]
He's right, you know.
[music.]
We have a 445 at the Angel Street Brewery.
[no audio.]
[rock music.]
[glass shatters.]
- Did they touch the beer? - The beer is safe.
- Beer.
- Beer! Both: Beer! [guzzling.]
- Does this have beer in it? - Don't touch that.
[explosion.]
[glass shatters.]
Here we are, my frontal lobe, my inner sanctum, my palace of recollection.
- Welcome, Steve.
- Wow.
The human brain is truly the crowning achievement of evolution's steady march towards perfection.
Yup.
There's the memory of my - first handjob right over there.
- Oh.
And my second wank over there.
Well, at least she seems enthusiastic.
Ooh, look, my third and fourth tug, both from the same girl.
Roy, these are all just handjobs.
Yeah, I don't really hit Record for much else.
Oh, my God, there it is.
So there I am, man, chasing Ashley's cat through the air vents.
That's when I saw him do it.
Hey, look, it's TripTank's attorney Chaz Sinclair.
[zipper opens.]
[sniffs.]
- Oh, God, that is so gross.
- Yeah, keep watching.
Hello there, little brown bear.
"Hello, Chaz.
" Where have you been to get so dirty? "Why, I've been exploring a chocolate cave.
" Well, there's only one way to clean off all that chocolate.
"How's that, Chaz?" With kisses.
Mwah, mwah, mwah.
- Kill it! - Kill the memory! Oh, God, hurry up! We got to get out of here Roy, right now! Oh, no! [both scream.]
We're back! We did it, man.
Oh, what is all this? What am I covered in? Oh, just my fluids, man.
My miscellaneous fluids.
No more favors, Roy.
We did it, man.
We erased the memory of Chaz licking his own stank finger.
- Wait, how can I still picture it, then? - Oh, shoot.
- We're remembering the memory.
- Quick! We got to get back inside each other.
#backinsideeachother.
[zap.]
Ugh, gross.
Do not look at them, Ricky.
I don't want you to be influenced by [chimes jingling.]
Oh, God, no! Ricky! [music.]
It is too late, Mother.
I have seen everything.
Oh, I love your shoes.
[telephone rings.]
Hello, this is TripTank.
I was watching you on television, and I think you're purple.
Oh, the settings on your TV are probably wrong.
- Your aura is so purple.
- Oh, my aura, cool.
Purple's good, huh? Now that we're talking, I feel like you're green.
Your green aura comes through the phone so clearly.
That's got to be good, right? Oh, wait, no, no.
I've got it now.
- You're poo-poo brown.
- What? No.
- That's not - Oh, you're definitely poo-poo brown.
It's so strong.
Say it with me.
"I'm poo-poo brown.
" - No, I'm not gonna say that.
- I'm poo-poo brown.
No, I'm not gonna say, "I'm poo-poo brown.
" - I'm poo-poo brown.
- I'm poo-poo brown.
[screams.]
It's horrible, man! My eyes! Oh, my goodness! Roy, what's wrong? I need help, buddy.
I need you.
What do you need? I'll do anything.
- I need you inside me, man.
- Anything but that.
Something else, please, name something else I can do.
I seen something unspeakable, a sight so horrific I got tor erase it from my brain.
Don't do it, Roy! You have so much to live for.
What? This is just a shrink ray, man.
I need you to "Inner Space" inside of my body and destroy the memory of that terrible thing I just saw.
Well, I don't really think that's scientifically - Light it up! - [high-pitched.]
Wow! [gulps.]
Godspeed, little Steve.
[Sighs.]
I just I don't know, I'm starting to lose hope.
- None of the drugs - Well, Jim, I've been in this business 30 years.
You are, without a doubt, the saddest guy I've ever met.
[sighs.]
I wasn't gonna do this, but I'm gonna give you something.
It's very experimental.
[sighs.]
[cheerful music.]
What? Hey there, Jim - All: # Don't be sad # - Oh! Because, you know, your little life It isn't so bad It's Monday morning All: # You're feeling blue # But that's about to change Because we're here to help you All: # 'Cause we're the Moodles # Wow, this is incredible.
Who are you guys? All: # We're the Moodles # The magical musical Moodles That doesn't really answer my question.
Chugga, chugga, chugga goes the big old train It goes so fast, it's totally insane No one knows what the big train knows They only know the way it goes It goes [scatting.]
Uh And if we look at the earnings forecast Board meeting, board meeting All: # We're so bored meeting # Nothing more boring [whispering.]
Guys, please, I need to listen to this.
- # Don't lie, Jim # - # You're bored too # - # Now watch this dancy jig # - Stop it! Just shut the [bleep.]
up! [thud.]
- Uh, everything okay, Jim? - Huh? I'm sorry, what? - All: # Oh, boy # - Stop it! We're going home early - # That's a special treat # - It is not a special treat, okay? [grunts.]
Sleep time, sleep time Time for countin' sheep time Sleep time sleep time Both: # Time to go to sleep # - # Sleep time # - # Sleep time # I think I'm gonna kill myself.
- Well - # Don't kill yourself, Jim # - # 'Cause life is too grand # - I had a feeling this might happen.
Especially with the groovy Moodle - Take two of these and call me in the morning.
- # Marching band # - # Singing is magical # - # And singing is fun # All: # And our best songs # Have only just begun That's exactly why I'm doing this.
All: # 'Cause we're the Moodles # The magical musical - It's finally over.
- No, problem, Jim.
Now we got rid of them, we can finally relax, right? With a nice, bitchin' drum circle! Boys! [pounding drums.]
No! [music.]
[screaming.]
Oof! Whoa, it worked.
I'm actually inside Roy.
#insideRoy.
Hey, buddy, I left you a little scooter down there.
Try not to dent it up; it's a rental.
Where the [bleep.]
did he get that? It's adorable.
[telephone rings.]
Hello, TripTank.
Oh, my God! That is so wicked fresh, man.
I can't believe it.
Okay.
I finally got through! Okay, okay.
I'd like to dedicate the next sketch to my girl Ayesha.
Yeah, we don't really do dedications.
Now, I know I've done a lot of terrible shit to you.
But all those others don't mean nothing to me, baby.
Again, TV show.
We don't do dedications.
That Palomino show pony, she was a beautiful horse, - but she means nothing, okay? - Did you say horse? I was just looking at it, and it was wiggling, you know, grinding to the music, you know, getting down, like, for reals.
I'm inside Roy's stomach, and this is still the weirdest thing - that's going on right now.
- You are the only one for me, Ayesha.
This next sketch, this one's for you, petal.
[music.]
- Here you go, sir.
- Thank you, my good man.
And here is a very generous tip.
And let that be a lesson to you, son.
Always be nice to others.
- Ugh, not another one of your lessons, Dad.
- Now, Donnie, this is important.
You have to treat your fellow man with respect.
Ah, darn it.
Bird poop.
[laughs.]
- Dad, you got pooped on.
- Some people say that's good luck.
That's the thing about luck, son.
You make your own in this world.
- You do? - That's right.
With stick-to-it-iveness and a little elbow grease, you can be as lucky as you want to be.
Nobody ever won the lottery with elbow grease, Dad.
Oh, Donnie, luck is not about money.
Take me, for example.
I only earn a modest salary, and I don't have a flashy import car like Jimmy's dad.
Oh, not again.
[laughs.]
This is a new shirt.
Every day is a new day, Donnie.
It's another opportunity to be the man you want to be.
But what do I do when people are mean to me, Dad? Well, you have to learn to turn the other cheek.
You have to be the bigger Shoot! Gosh darn it.
And, gosh darn it, if someone treats you wrong, you just kill them with kindness.
Has anybody ever been mean to you, Dad? Well, that's an interesting question, Donnie.
Uh Yeah, you know, I guess, yes, there are a few people in my life that occasionally I have a little difficult time getting along with.
- Why? - Well, it's a long story, son.
But it all started when Jiminy Crickets! We're getting bombarded out here.
- Dad, this is like a forever day.
- What? I had a great time with you at the park.
- I-I wish this day would last forever.
- Me too, son.
Me too.
God damn it! Stupid birds! Hey, what are you guys doing with your shells? I'm just gulping them down, dude.
Ah, you do not want to do that.
You're gonna tear up your insides, man.
I've been spitting mine into a little pocket I sewed into my bird suit.
- You sewed a pocket in your bird suit? - Heck yeah.
- See, that's just smart.
- Oh, I got a big one brewing.
Where'd Gary go? Suck it, Gary [music.]
We have a 6-4 in progress at a gas station on Main.
- Beer! - Beer! [rock music.]
- Put your hands where I can see them! - On each other's butts.
[honk.]
[both laugh.]
Kick over the beer! [glass breaking.]
Freedom ain't free, kids! [tires screeching.]
[music.]
[panting.]
[telephone rings.]
Hello, TripTank.
Hey, TripTank, how you guys doing? Listen, I caught a guy breaking into my house.
Don't worry, I am fine.
Everything's fine.
But I got him stuck upside-down right now.
What do you mean "stuck upside-down"? I got the battery hooked up to the jumper cables.
Now, it's red to the right nipple, but I just want to make sure.
Is it black to the left nipple or, like, black to ground? [muffled scream.]
You will get what's coming to you, you shit stain! I got a special freezer in my garage full of assholes just like you! - I don't think I can help you, ma'am.
- You know what? I'll just figure it out.
Bye, thanks so much.
- Now, where the hell am I? - Hey, man, I can feel you in there.
You are in the wrong spot.
Ah, Roy's anus.
Fantastic.
Turn around! Get skippin'! [panting.]
[dramatic music.]
Oh, my God.
What the [bleep.]
happened here? - Pete.
- Wha? Steve? Dude, thanks for coming.
I'm in a real bad place right now, man.
- I could sure use a friend.
- What did you do, Steve? You told me on the phone you just had a dead battery and you wanted me to give you a ride home.
That was just code in case someone was listening.
You know, dead battery, dead hooker.
- Dude, everyone knows that.
- Everyone knows that? Oh, my God! She's dead! Steve, I can't be here.
I-I told my wife I'd be right back.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Pete, just hold on a minute.
Now, you asked me six months ago if I ever woke up next to a dead hooker, who would I call? It was a god damn hypothetical.
It was bar banter, the verbal equivalent of darts.
It passes the time! But, okay, okay, I guess I can help her, I don't know, get dressed or something.
Oh, my God! What's that? Oh! Oh! I didn't expect That's a biker with a machete in his [bleep.]
head? Drooling blood.
What the [bleep.]
, Steve? Who is that? Long story.
But the dead hooker, Starla, that's her boyfriend, Diablo.
They were trying to rob me, Petey.
That asshole came in here, waving a gun around as I was jamming Starla from behind.
You should have seen me, man.
You know how I do.
I had to chop his arm off with the machete.
It was self-defense.
- But where did you get a holy shit! - Oh, I can explain that.
That's Starla's pimp, Mr.
Fu.
He walks in here all willy-nilly, "[bleep.]
you, bitch! Give me my money.
" And he slaps her, bro.
And you know me, man.
You know me, Pete.
I will not stand for hitting a woman.
- That That's why you shot a man? - Well, yeah.
Took the gun from the biker.
Self-defense, man.
Okay, yeah, self-defense.
This is crazy.
This is crazy.
[laughs.]
This is crazy, Steve.
You killed a lot of people! Accident, self-defense, you can this is really bad.
Dude, I know.
I'm in over my head, but I'm the good guy.
It's all just a weird series of events.
But the cops will never buy it.
You got to help out your best pal, Petey.
[groaning.]
Mr.
Fu, wash your clothes, man.
[laughs.]
All right.
[both groaning.]
[whistles.]
Whoa! [both sigh.]
That's a load off my mind.
Hey, man, you never told me how that hooker died.
Oh, I strangled her.
Come on, let's get some tacos.
[creepy music.]
[techno music.]
[music.]
- Ooh, Beth, let's go play laser tag.
- No way, Jen.
You know I have PS3D.
Ooh, that sounds scary, Beth.
What is that? It's, like, when lasers give you flashbacks to war and stuff.
Oh, my God, you were in war? Oh, my God! Ryan and Dexter just went into laser tag.
Let's go play! Atten hut! This battle will determine the fate of Terrax 5.
- Fight for the future.
- Oh, my God, what a dork.
You think this is funny, recruit?! - You think this is a game? - Uh, yeah.
It's, like, literally a game.
Laser war is not a game! - Do you want to know how I lost this arm? - Okay, let me guess.
You dropped your butt dildo into a volcano, and you were, like, trying really hard to get it back.
So you reached in, but you were, like, a stupid bitch.
So the lava burned your stupid bitch arm off.
- Obviously! - Ugh, just go battle or whatever.
[sighs.]
Ha! Look at these two.
How can you miss? [lasers firing.]
[groaning.]
The flashbacks! She has PS3D.
I've seen this a few times before.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to put her down.
No! She's my only friend.
She would die for me.
Your friend will die by the Murderlasinator - if you don't - Whatever.
I don't care.
Kill the bitch.
She's, like, super annoying anyway.
[energy pulsing.]
[energy whining.]
Wait, I know how to wake her up.
I'll be right back.
I believe my pelvis is shattered.
Yeah, which means, like, I won the battle of Spacelandia or whatever.
This is nerdy, and I'm bored! [sniffs.]
Oh, my God! What is that delicious smell into my face nose? [robot beeping.]
[chomp.]
[screams.]
Oh, my God! That Cinnablaster was delicious.
Did it have, like, bacon it? [music.]
Well, I definitely took a wrong turn somewhere.
Hey, Roy! Roy, I think I'm lost.
What? You're not in my brain yet? You don't destroy that horrible memory in the next seven minutes, it becomes permanently attached to every fiber of my being.
That's not how science works, Roy.
It just doesn't even make sense.
Oh, you're taking too long.
I'm coming in.
Coming in? What does he even mean "coming in"? - Ho-Ho-Holy shit! - Hop on in, best friend brother.
Wait, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.
How is this even possible? - How are you inside your own - No time to explain.
Here we go! [techno music.]
[both screaming.]
We have a 192 at the art gallery at 9th and Lex.
- Maybe they'll have wine.
- Don't make me shoot you in the face! [rock music.]
Hi-ya! [electricity crackling.]
Big beer! [gunshots.]
[guzzling.]
- You can't ah! - Let this be a lesson to you, hippies! Bald eagles out! [both cawing.]
[glass shatters.]
[eagle shrieks.]
[cheerful music.]
I know a town Where letters dwell Come to Alphabet City and learn to spell Alphabet City, yeah Today's episode, the letter Children: M! Hello, you wanted to see me, Mayor? Children: Mayor! [laughs.]
I sure did.
I got a very important job for you.
Hooray! What kind of job? Ha! [glass shatters.]
Cut the bullshit.
You know exactly what kind of job it is.
- Who's the target? - Her name is G.
Now, I need her taken care of, professionally.
No mistakes.
Children: Mistakes! Well, then, you're in luck, 'cause I don't make 'em.
- My clients are never disappointed.
- If you can, make it quick.
I'll do anything you want, as long as you got the money.
Children: Money! Once I leave this office, that's it.
There's no turning back.
You sure that's what you want? Politics is a dirty business.
Sometimes, you have to tie up loose ends, especially when those loose ends are threatening to [splash.]
Go public with photos of your member.
Children: Member! Sounds like we'd better get right on it.
G sends her regards.
What the hell you think you're doing, son? Like I said [gun cocks back.]
- My clients are never disappointed.
- Jiminetty! [gunshots.]
[groans.]
[music.]
- Nothing personal, old man.
- Mother[bleep.]
.
Children: Mother[bleep.]
! Alphabet City, yeah Man: What the hell is this shit? [smash.]
Which one of you idiots made my cereal this morning? Oh, I should've known, Kevin "the jackass who can't do a god damned thing right if his dick depended on it" Simms.
You're the ignorant asshole who [bleep.]
my morning.
Was there something wrong? Yes, there was something [bleep.]
wrong.
Last week, I explicitly told you that I wanted Oops All Berries cereal.
Does this look like Oops All Berries to you, shit for brains? - Um, no? - No, it doesn't, because it's not Oops All Berries.
It's goddamn, regular-ass Crunch Berry.
And did I tell you to get me regular-ass Crunch Berry? - No.
- So what do you think I expected to see in my [bleep.]
bowl this morning? - Oops All Berries cereal.
- That's right.
Oops All Berries.
Oops All [bleep.]
Berries.
Can you get that through your thick, shitty skull? - Um, sir, they were sold out.
- Oh, oh, "they were sold out.
" Well, how [bleep.]
hard would it be to buy five boxes of regular, shitty-ass Crunch Berry, pour all five boxes into a big goddamned bowl, pick out all the little yellow pieces of shit, throw them in the trash can, pour all the remaining crunch berries back into one of the five boxes, go online, do a Google search for "Oops All Berries," click on Images, find the highest res image of the [bleep.]
box, print the image out on sticker paper, put the sticker on the front of the shitty Crunch Berry box, and pour me a bowl of goddamn Oops All Berry cereal like I told you do in the first place? - Now, how [bleep.]
hard is that? - Um, not very? That's right, shit head.
Not very [bleep.]
hard.
Oops All [bleep.]
Berries.
[slam.]
He's right, you know.
[music.]
We have a 445 at the Angel Street Brewery.
[no audio.]
[rock music.]
[glass shatters.]
- Did they touch the beer? - The beer is safe.
- Beer.
- Beer! Both: Beer! [guzzling.]
- Does this have beer in it? - Don't touch that.
[explosion.]
[glass shatters.]
Here we are, my frontal lobe, my inner sanctum, my palace of recollection.
- Welcome, Steve.
- Wow.
The human brain is truly the crowning achievement of evolution's steady march towards perfection.
Yup.
There's the memory of my - first handjob right over there.
- Oh.
And my second wank over there.
Well, at least she seems enthusiastic.
Ooh, look, my third and fourth tug, both from the same girl.
Roy, these are all just handjobs.
Yeah, I don't really hit Record for much else.
Oh, my God, there it is.
So there I am, man, chasing Ashley's cat through the air vents.
That's when I saw him do it.
Hey, look, it's TripTank's attorney Chaz Sinclair.
[zipper opens.]
[sniffs.]
- Oh, God, that is so gross.
- Yeah, keep watching.
Hello there, little brown bear.
"Hello, Chaz.
" Where have you been to get so dirty? "Why, I've been exploring a chocolate cave.
" Well, there's only one way to clean off all that chocolate.
"How's that, Chaz?" With kisses.
Mwah, mwah, mwah.
- Kill it! - Kill the memory! Oh, God, hurry up! We got to get out of here Roy, right now! Oh, no! [both scream.]
We're back! We did it, man.
Oh, what is all this? What am I covered in? Oh, just my fluids, man.
My miscellaneous fluids.
No more favors, Roy.
We did it, man.
We erased the memory of Chaz licking his own stank finger.
- Wait, how can I still picture it, then? - Oh, shoot.
- We're remembering the memory.
- Quick! We got to get back inside each other.
#backinsideeachother.
[zap.]