Ultimate Spider-Man (2011) s02e15 Episode Script

2x15 - "Ultimate Deadpool" Welcome to the glamorous life of your favorite superhero.
"Is he being sarcastic?" you ask.
Yes.
Yes he is.
Normally I have it great.
Got the cool powers, the cool team, the coolest life possible.
But today, ugh, I've got zero cash, A grueling day of training ahead, and I am soaked to my webs.
- Sometimes I just - Boring! Focus your eyeholes on this, spudley.
A kung fu fiesta.
Arriba-san! Double wedgie achievement unlocked.
Dang skippy.
Where are my manners? Introductions.
Call me Deadpool.
It rhymes with "no school," "too cool," "ain't no fool," and "I'm the best that there is at what I do ool.
" Moving on.
I'm on a mission to find the secret HQ of Taskmaster.
The big boss for these cheese clowns.
And nothin', but nothin', better get in my way.
What, like the dozen swords in your back? I don't have swords in my Yuck.
Gonna go hurl now.
Huh, that's gonna leave a mark.
Oh wait.
No it isn't.
I have a healing factor.
Yay me! 'Scuse me while I pull these pot stickers out of my spleen and knock some heads.
Deadpool, out.
Hey, where'd you guys go? Spider-Man stinks! It's ultimate Deadpool! Yeah.
You got 'pooled.
Ha-cha.
Ugh, p-u.
Hey, web-head.
- Wow, you stink.
- So I've heard.
It's like I've had a target on my back all day.
Last at training, first at bat.
Spider-sense tingle uh-oh.
Not impressed.
Everyone else take five.
Stupid robots.
Stupid SHIELD training aah! Could this get any worse? Fury's stupid program was totally worth it.
I'm telling ya', stick with it and bam, pow, shabang, you too might someday defeat half the Latverian army.
Like I did, as I'm sure you've heard.
- Plus, I 'stached Doctor Doom.
- You? 'Stached Doctor Doom? Check it.
I will crush you.
Crush.
You.
All! Why are you laughing? Do I have something on my face? Deadpool! I missed your laugh the most, Tiger.
And I mean that for realsies.
BFF's, 'kay? Ugh, anyone smell barbecued bug? It's been kind of a rough day.
- I'm - Extremely ripe! Yeesh.
Here.
Strong enough for a man, but made for a spider.
So you're Fury's newest guppy.
Arachni-boy, right? Big fan, big fan.
I follow all your flops on "superhero fails.
" What? Ah, you are comedy gold, my friend.
Or at least comedy oatmeal.
As for me, you already know, I'm Deadpool.
Superhero supreme with a side of bam.
Nice to see you kept my color scheme when you copied my suit.
Am I, like, your idol? Never heard of you.
I designed this costume myself.
Sure.
Black and white eyes, red suit.
Though you made it your own with the crossword theme.
Oh wait.
Webs! Those are webs.
No pouches though.
You need pouches.
Which reminds me why I'm here.
Gotta' use the little boys' computer.
Someone explain.
Now.
- Not Nova.
- Deadpool used to train with us.
He left Fury's Hero program right before you got here.
He follows his own drummer.
And man, his drummer drums loud.
Now he's living the dream.
A freelance hero.
Fun, freedom, and fighting crime however he wants.
Deadpool is the best.
The best.
- Everybody loves him.
- Everybody? Even Fury? If I had a son, I'd want him to be just like you.
Here, have an eye-patch.
It's true.
Nick totally adopted me.
I have papers.
And the eye patch.
- I wear it under my mask.
- How are you in my head? Maybe I'm not.
You're in my head.
Am I blowing your mind yet? Why the alumni visit, Deadpool? Long story short, this bad dude, Agent MacGuffin, swiped encrypted SHIELD files with the secret identities of every known hero.
Including mine! And yours.
And hers.
And his.
And his.
And his.
That's huge.
We should be on that case.
Why didn't Fury tell us? Word is that Fury left his SHIELD tablet in a hotel bathroom.
So you can see why he'd want to be discrete.
Now, see I agreed to help even though Fury and me don't always see eye to eye.
Now, do you get that? Eye to eye? Eye to eye! Hm, get it? - Yeah, I do eye jokes too.
- Plus, you know how busy Fury is.
I'm sure he's doing something important as we speak.
Deadpool.
Gotcha.
Well, since I've got all the info I need about Agent MacGuffin, that creep, I figure it's time to get back to all the fun of being me.
Spider-Man, back to training.
I got 20 new SHIELD-bots with your name on 'em.
Here's a thought, how about I come with you? - Shadow the old Spidey? - The first Deadpool.
Yeah, whatever.
This MacGuffin thing is serious.
And hero graduate or other, I think you could use some backup.
And, to be honest, at this exact moment your life sounds way cooler than mine.
Ah, you seek to learn from the master.
Today, you become a man.
A Spider-Man.
See ya, peeps.
Whoa! Spidey's about to get 'pooled.
Is Deadpool here? Did he take anything? You've got to be kidding me.
You have your own personal jet? Yup.
It was a present from one Tony Stark.
"I owe you.
" He never gave me a jet.
Seriously, from one super dude to another, - what's your secret? - Origin story time! Yeah! Ever since I can remember, I've always been a fighter.
How am I in your origin story? Don't question greatness.
It was like genetic engineering or whatever.
I didn't pay attention in social studies.
I was a normal baby for 30 seconds.
Then ninjas stole my mama.
Nick Fury saw my awesome, took me in, suckled me on the sweet milk of justice.
- Um, ew? - You're a good listener.
I like you.
Some advice, ditch Fury.
Go freelance, like me.
No rules, more fun and money.
Lotsa' money.
Wait.
You get paid? I get zapped by robots, and you get paid.
Freelance hero sounds pretty good.
Uh-oh! Dots.
Aah, jetpacks! Jinx.
As I suspected.
Agent MacGuffin is selling SHIELD secrets to evil forces of evil.
I have a plan.
- Plan? - Improvisation.
It's my jam.
Oh, a screaming contest.
Aah! Told ya' I had a plan.
La, la, la, la.
Easy come, easy go.
I rhymed.
So weird.
These guys look a lot like Taskmaster.
Bad dude.
He can copy anyone's fighting style just by watching them.
- Tried to recruit me once.
- 'Stache.
How do you keep doing that? - Uh-oh.
- Oh, shiny.
- What is that? - You see my spidey-sense? It's this thing in my brain that warns me of danger.
I'll give you a thousand bucks for your brain.
Wait.
Danger? This is gonna' hurt.
Jinx.
Grunt of effort! Hey, I'm still falling.
Dude, what kind of plan was that? If it weren't for my trusty web-shooters, I'd be bug paste right now.
Ah, so "by the book.
" But if you're gonna' go freelance you have to learn to live a little, Spidey.
Whoa! Aim for the leafy parts.
Foliage is your friend.
Oh, our landings were so different.
I think I've had enough of you.
Shh hush, little hero.
Luxuriate in the beat of your heart, the feeling you might puke if someone offered you fish sticks.
Steaming hot.
I have gum! I'm starting to rethink this little field trip.
Just tell me what your plan is.
We go into that compound, find Agent MacGuffin, snag the list, then un-alive Taskmaster and his acolytes, capiche? - Wait, un-alive them? - Yeah, yeah here's the thing, I can't really say the k-word out loud.
It's a weird mental tick.
But we're gonna destroy them, make them disappear, sleep them with the fishes.
We'll k-word them.
K-word? You mean you want to kill them? Whoa, yeah, that does sound bad when you say it out loud.
And yes, we're going to un-alive them.
We can't un-alive them.
We can't un-alive anyone.
Deadpool! - Huh? - I said no.
Boy you've got a short fuse.
Me too! Huh? Run! Huh? Break dancing.
Ow! What's your hang up, webs? See how I did that? "Webs" and "hanging?" Yeah, I saw what you did.
You tried to blow those guys up.
Ugh, guilt over a little spilt guts? I used to be the same.
I bet you have a little angel on your shoulder Telling you un-Aliving someone is bad.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Psst, that's SHIELD brainwashing 101.
You wanna' earn the big bucks? Ditch the rules for once.
You're not a freelance hero.
You're a mercenary.
You'll do anything for money.
Well, forget it.
Okay, prince goody-two-webs.
That's cool.
Righteous But the bad guys ain't gonna return the favor.
- Ow? - Eh, whatevs.
You know, I got a healing factor that makes Wolverine go like "Uh, I wish I had Deadpool's healing factor, bub.
" It's all in my origin story.
Once, a nerdy little kid fell into a radioactive swimming pool.
And he emerged with incredible powers.
Enough.
Spider-Man.
Nice of you to finally visit my school.
Unfortunately I'm no longer accepting applicants.
We've come for the list of SHIELD Agents, Taskmaster.
- And for Agent MacGuffin.
- We who? Me and Dead Deadpool! Deadpool is here? What? Boogity-boo! Did you miss me? You.
You're out of your mind to come here.
I will destroy you.
Dude, how Taskmaster can copy your moves just by watching you fight.
Uh, maybe your moves, binky.
Check it.
How do you like this? Wa-hoo! Set the body to "stun.
" Gonna catch ya'.
Gonna catch ya'! What I tell ya'? What I tell ya'? I said I'd get ya'.
Uh-huh.
Shaking my milkshake.
Oh yeah.
Shake it back and forth.
Uh-huh, you know it.
You love it.
Uh! Uh-huh.
- Open up wide, Tasky.
- No! You know, sometimes you are just no fun.
We'll discuss our definitions of "fun" later.
Let's get this SHIELD drive out of here before anyone's secret identity gets revealed.
Oh wait, wait.
I want to watch this one.
Nope.
Oh, come on.
I thought we bonded.
Wait, let me guess.
You're Aaron Applebaum.
Aaron Astin.
Aaron Atwater! Are you just going to keep yelling names from "A" to "Z" - until you guess? - No.
- Barry Barrington! - You're not well.
I know.
Oh, cool.
What's that? I'm gonna call SHIELD so they can pick up the file - and Taskmaster.
- Oops! You broke it.
Hey! What'd you do that for? Oh, Spider-Man.
If you'd studied with me instead of Fury you might not be so naive.
Who do think I stole the identity list from in the fist place? - Agent MacGuffin? - Heh.
Confession time.
- Yeah, it was me.
- You? And there is no Agent MacGuffin.
And also I stole the list from SHIELD, but Taskmaster swiped it from me when I left my pouches in the potty.
What? Dude, couldn't help it.
I had indian food.
My legs went numb I was in there so long.
You stole the list? Why? To sell it, silly.
Ca-ching! I tell you what, ditch Fury and I'll cut you in for 10%.
We'll be a team.
But I get top billing.
- So, we're gonna fight, then? - Yeah, pretty much.
Okay Boom.
Seriously? I hate you, Deadpool.
I know you mean "love.
" Whoa, don't break that.
That's a collector's item.
Are you out of your mind? Totally.
But I know that list is going to make some super villain very happy.
And that's gonna make me very rich.
So hand it over and I'll only partially un-alive you.
Yikes.
- Huh? - Huh? Duck! No, piranhas! They're so bitey.
Oh that's so much funnier when it happens to someone else.
- Booby traps.
- You said, "traps.
" I can't believe I actually looked up to you.
- You're just as bad as Taskmaster.
- Sometimes.
And sometimes I'm bad for money, sometimes I'm good for money.
As long as I'm having fun with said money, I make my own rules.
What was that? You can't just do whatever you want without the consequences.
That's how people get hurt.
Ugh, come on, you sound just like Fury.
Except not as cool.
It'll help if I pop out your eye.
You're good for a total psycho.
Oh goody, oh, it's the insult game, okay.
They should call you "elevator operator" 'cause you're bringing me down.
Or "tonsils" 'cause you're a pain in the neck.
Ba-boosh! Lame.
Next you'll be telling me to "go soak my head.
" Ah, what a swellegant idea.
But it'll look a lot funnier in my imagination.
What? Spider-Man, go soak your head.
Stop doing that.
You can't attack me with puns.
Puns and bullets and pointy things.
Yes I can.
I'm running the show now.
And this is just the tip of the spear.
This fight is getting fishy.
Smooth moves, but I gotta' give you the hook.
You can't just string this along.
Arr, fancy meeting you here, me wee squiggly spider.
Huh? - Fun house! - More like a mad house.
You're getting a kick out of this, aren't you? Fight me any way you want.
You're not getting that list.
Hey! Welcome to the funny farm.
Where you belong.
Don't count your chickens just yet.
I can fantasy fight 'til the cows come home.
Ow.
Ow ow ow.
Sue-wee! Ow.
Oh, I walked into that one.
Ow.
Don't you ever take anything seriously? Your SHIELD training? Fury's rules? Responsibilities? Forget SHIELD.
Forget rules.
Forget that these shiny sticks are swords and hop right on.
There's one rule I'll never forget.
I'm throwing the book at you.
Oh, see I knew you had a pouch.
Copycat! With great power, comes great responsibility.
Ugh, that's not very clever.
Or funny - Eh, I mastered "fantasy fu.
" - Morality, ha! You know, we don't all have the luxury of morals.
Have I told you my origin story? Like a billion times, now.
How about telling me the truth? - You can't handle the truth.
- Really? Fine.
So once there was a kid, a weird, special kid.
And his life was a toilet.
Maybe somebody treated him badly.
Maybe he got hurt by bad people.
So maybe Fury's hero-school was the boost he needed.
And for a while, the kid bought what Fury was selling.
Until he realized it was more fun to laugh at the pain.
To hurt those that hurt you, times a thousand.
Forget it! You wouldn't understand.
Actually I do.
If things had gone a little bit differently, I could have been just like Deadpool.
Okay, so I'm gonna call this one, bugs.
You beat me fair and square, makin' me feel emotions and stuff so I'm gonna go home, cry myself to sleep by my bed made of money! Hang on! You're coming back to SHIELD too.
- You have to face Fury.
- "You have to face Fury.
" You're hilarious.
Smell ya' later, sucker.
Bye, Spider-Man.
Ouch, my butt's burning! Weirdest fight ever.
But at least I got the list back.
Sure did.
You da man.
You know, I know a guy who'd pay top dollar for that aah! Yes I am the man.
The Spider-Man.