United States of Al (2021) s02e15 Episode Script

1 Hey, you asleep? - What? - Oh.
Good, you're up.
Hey, uh, where should I take Holly for our date? You fake bronchitis for this? Man, you're a romantic guy.
Help me out.
Take her to the beach.
Write her poems in the sand.
Let the waves take the poems.
Good night.
Uh, yeah, I don't know.
What about skydiving? That is not a date.
That is what you do when you want to deliver soldiers inside enemy territory.
Well, then what, man? I don't want to be like every other guy she's dated.
Okay.
I was saving this one for myself, but you can have it.
Rent a villa on a cliff that overlooks a tea field.
There's no cliffs in Ohio.
And there's no magic in your heart.
What about camping? Great, perfect.
Good night.
Yes, camping seems good.
Just her and me and the great outdoors.
No, no, I can't live with this.
Why would you sleep on the ground when you don't have to? I think she'd like it.
There is nothing to like.
You can get lost.
You can run out of food.
You can be eaten by a bear.
You can get killed by somebody named Jason.
They make those movies for a reason, Riley, to warn young lovers.
Yeah, camping.
Definitely camping.
- Where you going? - The bathroom.
Smart people do it indoors.
Fire's going.
Want to unpack? - Whiskey.
- Ooh.
Hot dogs.
We're unpacked.
I only see one sleeping bag.
Got a problem with that? No, ma'am.
Let's get these dogs going.
Yeah.
I'll have this ready for you in a second.
I'm good.
Whoa.
Where'd you get that? Would you believe I took it off a guy in a fight? Yeah, I would.
I was in Manila with some Navy buddies.
We pissed off some pirates.
- You're kidding.
- Of course I'm kidding.
I got it from a buddy at TSA.
They have, like, thousands of knives.
Did you camp much growing up? We lived in an apartment.
I used to camp out on the fire escape.
You know, it's nice to look up and see stars instead of wet laundry.
You know what I like about you? Better be a long list.
You haven't once said, "Where's the bug spray?" "How can you buy hot dogs and no buns?" "You call that a toilet?" Civilians.
Can't live with them, sworn to protect their freedom.
Yeah.
You think we have time to have sex before these hot dogs cook? God, I hope not.
So, what are we thinking today? Red? Yellow? Green? Should we just go full traffic light? What about completely gray? Then I could tell people I'm 60, and everybody would be like, "Whoa, you look amazing.
" Yeah, I'm just gonna surprise you.
What about this? Don't you think this would look good? Nah, short hair makes me look like an elf.
I meant for me.
But, Hazel, you have such beautiful hair.
I don't want beautiful hair.
I want cool hair.
Well, I think your hair is very cool.
Aunt Lizzie, don't you think I would look good with this hair? I think maybe this is between you and the lady behind me with the scissors.
That cut would be a big change, baby.
Why don't you think about it for a while? I have been.
In fact, I calculated, and if I have half as much hair, you'll save $3,000 a year in shampoo.
Multiply that by six, and that's college money.
If that's your math, I don't see you getting into any colleges.
- Mom.
- Honey.
I give people haircuts every day they end up regretting.
Doesn't that say more about you than me? Danger.
Danger.
Trust me, this is one of the few things in the world I am an expert in.
That's not true.
You're also an expert in making me sad.
Wow.
The answer's no.
You're so mean.
Thanks for backing me up.
We all have our roles to play.
I'm the cool aunt, and you're mean.
Thanks.
Good morning.
Ah, morning.
How was your romantic date squatting over a hole? It was incredible.
Did you know Holly's an all-state softball pitcher? I don't even know what softball is.
And get this, she doesn't like chocolate.
- I don't like chocolate.
- I know, and I always thought that was weird, but now I think it's adorable.
Ha.
Riley Jaan, I think you are in love.
You think? Every time you say her name, your eyes light up like there is a cartoon bird on your shoulder.
After Vanessa, I never imagined a future with anyone, but man, when Holly says she wants to buy a food truck, I see myself driving that food truck.
Even though she specifically said only she gets to drive the food truck.
This is big.
It is, isn't it? Rub your hand on my head.
I could use some of that good luck.
I want to do something to show her how I feel.
I think you have two choices.
Go simple or go big.
Go on.
If you go simple, give her a perfect dark red apple and say it's your heart.
If you go big, give her a giant ruby and say it's your heart.
I should write this down.
Do you have anything I can break or set on fire? Hell yeah, I do.
Why? Mom won't let me cut my hair.
It's my hair.
It's my head.
Yeah, but you're her daughter, so it's kind of her head, too.
Well, it stinks.
Well, before you know it, you'll be on your own, making your own decisions.
And you'll wish you had someone around to tell you what to do.
I doubt it.
Here's the thing.
When you start making decisions, you start having regrets.
Like what? Yeah, when I was younger, I had the chance to be a roadie for Whitesnake.
Really? Yeah.
What's Whitesnake? As decent and gifted a collection of musicians you'll ever meet.
Point is, before you know it, you'll have nothing but decisions.
I can't wait.
You think that.
Then you get car insurance without collision.
You pick the cable provider without baseball.
You go to the grocery store, but you spend too much time deciding what you want to cook, you get hungry, you end up eating a rotisserie chicken in the parking lot on the tailgate of your truck, and the kid collecting carts is like, "That poor bastard couldn't even make it home to eat his rotisserie chicken.
" All right, nice talking to you.
Here I go again on my own Going down the only road I've ever known So, what do you think I should get? I just don't know.
They are all very romantic.
Oh, look at this barbed wire.
It says you would climb over barbed wire for her.
Look at this tiger.
It says you would fight a tiger for her.
How late is this place open? This could take a while.
Uh, you want me to fix your eagle? What's wrong with it? Nothing.
It's perfect.
Maybe I just get her name.
Her name? Riley, look at this wall of romance.
Y-You should get a beach at sunset with a palm tree, and underneath it, two lovers.
That's you and Holly.
I don't know.
Or maybe get these two dragons.
That's also you and Holly.
Yeah, I'm just gonna go with "Holly.
" Maybe here on my ribs.
Or maybe it could start on your ribs, wrap around your back and end at your heart? It's only five letters.
What's her last name? Oh, that's not kale in there, is it? Can we not have the kale conversation? I like iceberg.
- I know.
- It knows what it is.
It's not trying to be all fancy.
I know.
Check it out.
Boom! Oh, on the ribs.
Did it hurt? Yeah.
Oh, my God, why did you do that? Because it's awesome.
Does she know about this? No, it's a surprise.
Big surprise.
Oh, dude, this may be the dumbest thing you've ever done.
No, it's romantic.
No, it's stupid.
You're gonna freak her out.
Why are you the enemy of romance? I want her to know I'm crazy about her.
Well, she'll definitely get the crazy part.
You don't know her like I do.
She's cool, laid-back and independent.
Okay, you know her a little.
And this tattoo makes you look weird, desperate and really clingy.
It does? Oh, yeah, now I see it.
Too bad.
I liked her.
Okay, you guys are crazy.
She's not gonna break up with me over a tattoo.
Spilt milk, buddy.
Let it go.
I tried to talk him out of it.
How do we play this off so I don't seem clingy? Ah.
Dump her.
I'm trying to stay with her.
Okay.
Uh Tell her your grandma's name is Holly.
Isn't that still kind of weird? It's very weird but not as weird.
What if she breaks up with me and I'm stuck with this tattoo? Date blind women? And waste a million sit-ups? No, thank you.
You could cover yourself with tattoos so it is just one of many stupid things on your body.
Okay, that is the best idea yet, but I'm seeing her tonight.
If you sleep with her, keep your clothes on.
Yes! That is the kind of out-of-the-box thinking I'm looking for.
Let's get those clothes off.
Uh, yeah.
Uh, hang on, hang on one sec.
What are you doing? Uh, safety.
You've seen Backdraft, right? It may not have affected me as, uh, deeply as you.
If there's another shirt under this, I'm gonna be really upset.
Uh, you know what I always thought would be sexy? What? 'Cause I probably have one.
Shirt.
No pants.
Like Donald Duck? Yeah.
I want to Donald Duck you.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Hazel, you okay? No.
I hope my stories didn't make you sad.
It's okay.
I-I had a good life.
Go away.
Come on, Hazel, what's going on? Oh.
Uh, I made one of those regrets you were talking about.
Lizzie! What's going Oh, wow.
Mom's gonna kill me.
Yeah, she might.
Okay, sounds like you got this.
Oh, come here.
I thought it would be easy 'cause I watch Mom do it, but it's not easy.
It's hard.
Can I tell you a secret? When I was in eighth grade, I thought I could bleach my own hair, and I thought I could use real bleach, and that is not true.
What happened? It burned out a giant chunk of my hair all the way to the scalp.
I had to wear a hat to school for three months.
They even let me wear it during the Pledge of Allegiance.
Do you think Mom's gonna be mad? Has your mom ever been mad at you before? Yeah.
And did she stay mad? No.
Because she loves you.
That's nature's way of making sure children become adults.
Will you come with me to tell her? Sure.
Do you still have that hat? It's a beret.
- Ugh.
- I know.
Yeah.
Hey, Dad, come here.
I want to show you something.
- What's up? - Um, as you may recall, I got a tattoo.
I do recall.
Uh, and I'm having second thoughts.
So, uh, looking for a way to get rid of it before Holly sees it.
I told him he should burn it with a little bit of acid from the battery of my car, but he's being a baby.
I'm not being a baby.
So, here's my second-best idea.
We turn "Holly" into "Hazel.
" Uh, what? Keep the "H" the way it is.
The "O" becomes an "A.
" First "L" becomes a "Z.
" Second "L" becomes an "E.
" Now, this is where it gets a little sticky.
The "Y" becomes an "L" with a little heart at the top.
Huh.
I mean, it's better, right? I'd go battery acid.
Chicks dig scars.
Mm.
Listen to your father.
I don't think I can do this.
Yes, you can.
Your only other choice is to run away from home.
That's on the table? Not anymore.
Hey, Lizzie.
Hi, Elmer Fudd.
Hazel, is there something you want to say to your mom? You're the best, and you're pretty.
Well, thank you.
I'm gonna go to my room for six months.
Hazel.
I cut my own hair.
I know you told me not to do it.
And I screwed it up, and it looks dumb, and you were right, and I was wrong.
Show me.
I don't want to.
It can't be worse than the hat.
Oh, my God, what did you use, a steak knife? Actually, sh No one asked you, cool aunt.
Okay.
Damage is done.
And you know what? This is partly my fault.
It is? I should've let you do this.
I was just scared that short hair would make you look older, and that's hard on me 'cause you're growing up so fast.
Can you fix it? Yeah.
Go get your hair wet and grab my kit, and we'll see if we can clean this up.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Mm-hmm.
Nicely done.
Thanks for giving me a heads-up.
I would've thrown a chair through a window.
She's young.
You'll have other chances.
I did this.
- Wow.
- I, uh, may have gotten a little ahead of myself.
You think? Yeah.
So You're such an idiot.
Like an idiot you never want to see again or an idiot you're kind of fond of? Come here.
Just so you know, I'm gonna make fun of you forever.
Forever? Little clingy.
Hey, can you hand me the crescent wrench? Holly's middle name is Charlotte.
Oh, geez.
You're useless when you're in love.
Oh.
Hey, here she comes.
- Hey, baby.
- Hey, guys.
Hey.
What's up? You tell me.
Hold on a moment.
The pressure in your tires looks low.
Oh, yeah.
- I could see that from a mile away.
- Mm-hmm.
Seriously? That's all you have to say to me? I'm sorry, baby, of course.
I love your jeans.
Yeah, they look fly.
That's what the kids say, right? - Yeah, I think so.
- Yeah.
My hair.
I'm talking about my hair.
Oh, well, y-you had a helmet on.
Don't feel bad.
You guys are jerks.
Oh, come here.
You look great.
So grown-up.
Yeah, like a little weather lady.
Hazel.
Are those new shoes? - Too late.
We already did the thing.
- Oh, okay.