Whitney s02e15 Episode Script

Lil, I can't believe I have so much of your stuff.
Oh my gosh, it's my whoobee from when I was a kid.
Yeah, it's so soft.
What is that made out of? Is that cotton and, uh, what's that, polio? Oh, man.
I used to wear this to school every day.
I was home-schooled.
Cool.
The Bulls are in overtime.
Oh! This mix is from Todd.
Lisa Loeb, Toad the Wet Sprocket, Goo Goos.
Oh, God, what's this? Oh.
It's a v-neck.
Must be Neal's.
And Neal.
Uh, Alex, can you talk? Neal.
Goo Goos.
Alex.
Be a person.
Come on, so much talking about stuff I don't even care about.
Lily, all these ex-boyfriends sucked.
Why don't we just throw all of this stuff away? I don't know.
I-- I miss them.
And the weird thing is, I don't miss them as boyfriends, I miss them as friends, you know? Like, it's just-- you can't really make new guy friends at our age.
They're either married and aren't allowed to hang out with you, or they're doing the long game to sleep with you.
Stop reading Steve Harvey.
Okay, come on, I am telling you, throwing this stuff out would feel so good.
I do it all the time with Alex's things.
My doggy! Oh, it's Paco.
Oh, God! Oh, no.
He lost his ball.
- Here, here, here, here.
- What? No! - Come on, just Chuck--come on! - Get away from my dog! It smells! Just put it in there! No! Oh, wow, this is awesome.
Yeah, I know, when you cook the bacon well-done, you can't even tell it's expired.
No,The Exorcist Director's Cut is playing at park theater.
I missed it last time it was here.
- You wanna go? - No, thanks.
If I wanted to see a girl's head spin around while she projectile vomits and curses God, I would watch Roxanne's Oh, you know who loves horror movies is Lily.
You should invite her.
You know, you heard her yesterday.
She's looking for a guy friend.
Well yeah, but she's got you and Roxanne.
I can't imagine two cooler dudes.
Come on, she's your friend too.
I don't know, Lily is-- Lily is kind of, uh-- ah, ah, ah, ah ah, ah, ah! And I'm just--I'm more-- I-I am not that.
I want you and Lily to hang out.
Ah, I-- wait, are you-- are you trying to arrange a threesome? What are you ta--no! - Wha--no--I know! - Of course not! Ew, gross, gross.
I'm not-- I was just seeing if you were bringing that up.
But, no, no.
I'm not into that.
Thank God.
Look, I want Lily to have a guy friend, and I want that guy friend to be you.
Please? I'll stop reminding you about errands during sex.
- Fine.
All right.
- Thank you.
I'll invite her to the movie, but hey, look, if we fall in love, that's on you.
That would actually be perfect, 'cause she already has her second wedding entirely planned.
That looks a little high.
Oh, it's exactly the right height.
Trust me, I've played darts my whole life, and I don't want to brag, but I'm great.
Well, I do want to brag, because I'm great at that too.
Oh, really? Do you have a 1978 case of torpedo flights that you inherited from your dad? No, geek, because my dad is cool.
Well I do.
All right, well, let's see if you can get those rickety-ass darts somewhere on that wall.
I'm gonna kick your ass and have my way with it.
Wait Yeah.
Well let me see what you got, punk.
Oh! Oh.
Okay, your turn.
I told you it was too high.
I told Lily 7:30.
She texted me back a monkey face.
So, is she coming? Obviously.
She just has to finish her vision board for her new closet.
A vision board? Are you kidding me? That could take all night.
What's a vision board? Oh, see? All right, look, if she ruins this night for me, you're going bowling with Mark.
- Hey, girl! - Hi! Oh.
So, yeah, we should probably get going, huh? What, now? We still have an hour.
Well, yeah, but we wanna get there early.
God, no, then we'd have to sit through all the stupid previews.
- Right? - Blech.
You mean the free mini-movies? Yeah, maybe you should go.
There's probably gonna be a line at the snack bar-- Oh, no, no.
We're good.
I brought us eggs.
Just need to peel 'em.
The threesome is off! - Oh - Do it again.
- Okay, okay.
- One more time.
Okay, one last time.
One last time.
Your mother's in here, Karras.
Would you like to leave a message? Oh, man.
Hey, you know what I'm in the mood for? - What? - A scone.
I'm kind of in the mood for a scone too.
But then again, you know what? I'm kind of stuffed from all those eggs.
Yeah, I know.
You know, if you leave a little bit of the shell - on the top of the egg - Uh-huh.
It looks like it's wearing a tiny hat.
What? What? You're blowing my mind! - Why didn't we do that? - I don't know! - Next time, man, next time.
- Yeah, yeah.
You know what? You're the only girl I've ever met that loves scary movies.
And you're the only guy I've ever met that loves scones.
Hey, you know what? In the summer, they show horror movies at Rosehill Cemetery.
We should totally go.
Bring your eggs.
- Yeah! Okay.
- Yeah.
But, I'm warning you.
I don't really like the new ones.
I'm more into, like, vintage horror.
- Yeah.
- Like, you know, like - The Exorcist, The Omen - Uh-huh.
Best of all time The Shining! Yes! Okay! My college boyfriend, Max, and I went through this phase where we would watch it every night for a month.
- No way.
- Yeah, good old Max.
He loved phases.
Too bad I was one of them.
Yeah.
You know, uh, I don't, uh-- I don't normally do this, but, um you know, there's this guy at my gym, Phillip, and he's kind of cool, so maybe if you-- if you want, I could hook it up.
I mean, you know, if-- if you've got time or whatever.
All work and no play makes Lily a dull girl.
- Right? - Yeah.
I was gonna be like, "Rah rah rah rah"--I'm joking, yeah.
- I was gonna be like, "Aah!" - Yeah, I know, I know, I know.
- God, that's so funny.
- That's so funny.
What is this? - Scones.
- Hey, wha--oh, uh-- how did it go? Uh, hello, it was awesome! Lily's great.
I mean, once you get past the whole---- you know, she's just-- she's really fun.
I like--I love her.
Okay, okay.
Well, she's told me before that she doesn't find you attractive, so-- what am I doing? Oh, and you know what? You're gonna love this.
I'm gonna hook her up with my friend from the gym, Phillip.
No--oh, no.
No! No, no, no.
No.
What, I'm trying to do a nice thing.
Yeah, that would be nice for anyone else, but not for Lily, okay? She's gonna fall in love way too fast, she's gonna waste a year of her life, and she's gonna get her heart broken.
Don't.
Oh, wow.
I wish you had a more positive attitude, like my friend, Lily.
Hi, are you Phillip? Are you Lily? Yeah, hi.
Wowsville.
Wow, I mean Alex said that you were pretty, but hello! I mean, vogue? Vogue much? Oh, thank you.
- Have a seat.
- Okay, thank you.
Have a seat.
Get in there.
- This is so great to see you.
- Oka-oh.
Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah, that's a choice.
- Yeah.
So, you and Alex are friends, huh? Yes.
We have become quite good pals after my wife dumped me.
- Oh.
- And I went through what I like to call my "blue period.
" Yeah, no I've-- I've been there.
You know, we're like two peas in a pod, you and I, right? - Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
- That is powerful.
- Yeah.
Um how is the pasta here? You know what? I'm too excited.
I have to give this to you now.
I have a gift.
- Ta-da! - Oh It's an entire collection of Stephen King movies.
- Including The Shining.
- Mm-hmm.
Alex said that you love The Shining.
- Do you like it? - Yeah, no, definitely.
It's--well, this is great.
Thank you.
You hate it.
No, I'll return it.
Fine.
It's fine, it's fine.
- No, it's okay.
- It's a stupid gift.
It's a stupid gift.
I'm an idiot.
You know what? Um Since we met, like, - 30 seconds ago - Mm-hmm.
Why don't you sit - Oh.
- Over there.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
Um, Phillip You seem just really special.
Thank you.
But, um I'm not really looking for anything super serious right now.
Really? That's not what Alex said.
What, um, did Alex say? Oh, you know, don't-- don't even worry about it.
I know about your money situation, so I want you to know that this one is on me.
And why don't you get something extra for yourself? You know, take it home for the rest of the week.
R.
J.
, stop joking around.
Seriously, play for real.
This isn't even fun.
Look, Stella is getting her groove back, okay? Besides, that board is too high, those darts are too heavy, and I suck.
But I'm still gonna crush you.
Mark is embarrassing R.
J.
out there.
Roxanne, do that raccoon impression to distract Mark.
That wasn't an impression.
I was crying and eating nuts.
Okay.
Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh! Suck it, sucka! Oh, I'm gonna give you something to suck.
Ugh, I can't watch you two throw your tiny swords anymore.
And I'm not talking about the darts.
Eat it, loser.
Man, this bar is awesome now! - Alex, do something! - I did! - Didn't you hear me scream? - Oh, my God! That is not where things that go in me go! I am so sorry! I am so sorry! This is not how I pictured killing you.
All right, all right.
You know what? Everybody just calm down.
I don't want to deal with this right now, so let's--let's-- let's just change the subject.
No! Okay, Roxanne.
You just sit there, okay? And Alex will pull it out real fast.
He's great at that.
Uh-uh.
I'm not pulling that out.
I'll do it.
No, no, no! Don't touch it! God, why does this always happen to me? Oh, I think I need to find a soft place to pass out.
Roxanne, it has to come out.
No it doesn't.
I'll just live with it.
Eventually, my body will reject it.
Roxanne, let's go to the hospital, because you don't know where that dart's been, and I just remembered.
Wha--no.
I'm not going to the hospital.
I just need a drink.
R.
J.
, get me a vodka soda.
We're actually all out of the good stuff.
All I got is house brand.
House brand? All right, take me to the hospital.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Are you the girl with alcohol poisoning? Probably.
Oh, dart girl.
- Oh.
- Oh! Do you feel anything? You want a Spongebob band-aid or a Dora? Dora.
That's it.
It's out.
Thank God! When was the last time you had a tetanus shot? Um, I don't--I don't know, when I was twelve.
So not that long ago.
Well, you're gonna need one, so I'll be right back.
What? Wait, what? With a--with a needle? Oh, I got this.
Excuse me, but she's really scared of needles.
She snorted her last flu shot.
If you have a dollar bill, I have a mirror.
Then look in it.
Oh, my God, Mark's voice mail is full.
Whose voice mail gets full.
Is Mark secretly a dad? Oh, my God! Oh, you are not gonna believe what just happened down at-- No, no.
You're not going to believe what just happened.
Alex set me up with the most desperate guy ever.
- What? - What? Yeah.
He gave me presents.
He talked about our future.
We facetimed with his mother, who, by the way, is lovely.
But he is a psycho.
Lily, I told him this was a terrible idea.
I mean, how could you think that guy was a good match for me? Well, wha--I don't know.
I mean, you know, you-- you always talk about how you want a boyfriend, and he always talk about how he wants a girlfriend.
- So I was just thinking-- - Oh, my God.
What? You think I'm desperate, don't you? What? No, I wouldn't say that you were desperate, exactly.
I just-- Roxanne has a dart in her back! What? And you told him I was poor? I said that you were in between money.
He palmed me a 20 when we said good-bye.
I mean, is this what you think of me, Alex? That I'm this broke, desperate, beautiful Stephen King fan? Is it? Is that what you think? - Shame on you.
- Shame.
Hold on, you know what? None of this would have even happened if you didn't make me hang out with her when I said I didn't want to.
You made him hang out with me? What's up? Oh, my God, you both think I'm desperate, don't you? Wow.
Mark threw the dart that is stuck in Roxanne's back.
- What? - What? Can I make you an egg? - Okay, you're just gonna feel a little pinch.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, - wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- What? So, um where are you from? I mean, do I detect a little Boston accent? - What? - Uh, she's just scared.
It's okay.
Roxanne I'm here.
I don't care.
It'll be over before you know it.
Let me do this.
Okay, no, no, I can't.
I'm sorry, I can't do needles.
I just--ugh, please! I'll stop drinking beer.
I just-- I need--I need more time.
Honey, I've got an E.
R.
full of people and I need this bed.
- Oh.
- Hey.
What--what are you doing? Look me in the eyes.
Look at me! Roxanne.
When I was a kid, my hero was Mike Singletary, one of the best linebackers to ever put on the uniform.
And I wore his number and I wanted to be exactly like him.
But I was afraid to get hit, so I sat on the bench.
And then, one day, they called me in and first play, they ran a fullback draw right up the middle.
This huge kid was coming at me like a runaway train.
But--but you tackled him, like Mike Singletary, and won the game? Oh, no.
I was knocked unconscious.
But when I woke up, I realized it didn't hurt nearly as bad as I thought it was going to.
And the coach gave me the game ball, kind of as a joke, but still.
Oh! Okay, okay, do it.
I already did.
Just waiting on Rudy to finish his story.
Oh, um thank you.
Thanks, Mark.
All right, get your ass moving.
We're double-parked.
Lily, please don't be mad at us or just me.
Look, Lily, um to be honest, I don't really remember how to apologize to any girl that's not Whitney, so I'm gonna try and not overthink this, but um Look, I really didn't think that I was gonna have a good time, but I totally had fun.
And I'm sorry I thought hanging out with you was gonna be so boring.
I was totally wrong.
And you know what? I'm sorry about Phillip too.
I-I don't think you're desperate.
Yes, you do.
Because I am.
- Lily.
- No, it's true.
I've spent the last ten years getting into relationships with any loser who liked me.
I've just been, like, searching so hard for someone to take care of me when, in reality, I just need to take care of myself.
Uh, have you been reading my emails? No, I really had this epiphany.
I'm--uh--how am I boring? The weird thing is that you're the one who made me realize this.
Duh.
How? You just--you made me realize the vibe I give off, and I need to elevate.
I-I am going to stay single until I find the right guy, and I'm gonna start looking for my own place.
So, Whit, I'm a new woman, and you can throw all those boxes of my stuff away.
To the left, to the left.
Well, you know what? I'm glad you're not mad at me, because I would have missed my movie buddy.
Really? Yes.
Who would have made my eggs for me? I'll make your eggs, Carol Ann.
Go into the light.
Oh, man.
Really funny.
Okay, are--are we-- are we done here? 'Cause I feel a new problem coming up.