Wings (1990) s02e15 Episode Script
My Brother's Back - And There's Gonna Be Trouble
1
HEY, ROY,
GOT A MINUTE?
NO.
GREAT.
I'VE BEEN PRACTICING
SOME IMPRESSIONS
FOR THE LIONS CLUB
TALENT SHOW
AND I JUST WANT TO
TRY 'EM OUT ON YOU.
WHY DON'T YOU DO
AN IMPRESSION OF
SOMEONE LEAVING A ROOM?
ARE YOU READY? OK.
[phone ringing]
[sighing]
[speaking gruffly]
HI. I'M JACK BENNY.
LOWELL, THAT IS THE WORS
IMPERSONATION OF JACK BENNY
I'VE EVER SEEN.
BUT YOU KNEW
WHO IT WAS.
OK, WHO'S THIS?
[people chattering]
[speaking gruffly]
HI. I'M BETTE DAVIS.
OH, GEEZ.
NO, WAIT, WAIT.
THAT WAS KATHARINE HEPBURN.
I'M ALWAYS GETTIN'
THE 2 OF 'EM MIXED UP.
OK, HERE, TRY AGAIN.
[speaking gruffly]
HI. I'M BETTE DAVIS.
ROY!
[seagulls cawing]
JUST ABOUT DONE
WITH THAT, LOWELL?
I'LL BE THROUGH
IN A JIFF, JOE.
YOU KNOW, JOE,
THE LORD HAS BLESSED ME.
OH, YEAH?
HOW'S THAT, LOWELL?
I'VE GO
A BEAUTIFUL WIFE.
SOMETIMES I JUST LIKE
TO LIE IN BED
AND WATCH HER SLEEP.
HER FACE BATHED
IN MOONLIGHT,
HER HAIR CASCADING
ACROSS HER PILLOW,
HER BREASTS RISING AND FALLING
UNDER THE COVERS.
YOU EVER DO THAT, JOE?
YOU MEAN
WITH A GIRLFRIEND?
NO! I MEAN WITH MY WIFE!
THE GUYS TOLD ME YOU WERE
LOOKIN' AT HER FUNNY
THE OTHER DAY WHEN
SHE CAME TO PICK ME UP.
LOWELL, NO.
BELIEVE ME. NO.
I'M SORRY, JOE.
I GUESS I'M JUS
A JEALOUS FOOL.
NOW, JUST FORGE
I SAID ANYTHING ABOUT IT,
ESPECIALLY THE PAR
ABOUT HER HEAVING BREASTS.
AND, UH,
JOE, COULD YOU HAND ME
THAT CRESCENT WRENCH
DOWN THERE?
YEAH, SURE.
OH, GOD! I KNEW
I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.
AHA! SO THE TRUTH COMES OUT,
YOU HOME WRECKER!
NO, LOWELL,
IT'S MY BACK.
OH. WELL, THANK GOD.
LET ME HELP YOU UP.
HEY, JOE. ARE WE ON
FOR THAT 5 K RUN
IN THE MORNING?
UH, MY BACK'S
GONE OUT AGAIN.
OH! YOU OK?
OK, DON'T MAKE
ANY SUDDEN MOVES.
ALL RIGHT,
I'M GONNA GO FOR HELP.
HEY, LOWELL.
YEAH?
YOUR SHOE'S UNTIED.
HAH! NOT FALLIN'
FOR THAT OLD TRICK.
UH, THANKS, JOE.
OK, CAN YOU
STAND UP, HONEY?
OH, NO. I--I DON'T THINK SO.
I'M--I'M CLOSER TO THE FLOOR.
WHY DON'T WE GO THERE?
NO, NO, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT. BAD IDEA.
OH, THE FLOOR'S TOO HARD
FOR YOUR BACK?
NO. THESE ARE NEW PANTS.
OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES!
[groaning]
[grunting]
BE EASY.
[groaning]
LET ME HELP YOU.
[groaning]
WHOA, DON'T YOU KIDS
HAVE A HOME?
I MEAN, THE LEAS
YOU CAN DO IS
USE THE DESK IN THE OFFICE.
JOE'S BACK WENT OUT.
YEAH, I'LL BET IT DID.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, LET'S GE
THIS BIG BABY INSIDE, OK?
OW! OW!
WHAT'S WRONG?
[gasps]
WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL, JOE'S BACK WENT OU
AND BRIAN TRIED TO MOVE HIM.
OH, NO, MOVING HIM
COULD REALLY HURT.
WE SHOULD GET SOME ICE
FOR HIS BACK.
UH, NO, YOU ONLY APPLY ICE
AFTER YOU APPLY MOIST HEAT.
MAYBE SOMEONE SHOULD
TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL.
NO, IT'S ICE, THEN HEAT.
NO, IT'S HEAT, THEN ICE.
ARE YOU SURE
YOU JUST DON'T BREATHE
INTO A BROWN PAPER BAG?
YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE SHOULD
TAKE HIM TO A CHIROPRACTOR.
[razzing]
NO, WHAT HE REALLY NEEDS
IS SOME ACUPUNCTURE.
UH, THE HOSPITAL--
(Roy)
ACUPUNCTURE?
WHY DON'T WE JUST WAVE
A DEAD CHICKEN OVER HIM?
(Helen)
LET'S JUST GET A CONSENSUS
(Brian)
WHY DON'T WE JUST TAKE HIM
TO A GENERAL PRACTITIONER?
(Roy)
A GENERAL PRACTITIONER?
YOU KNOW WHA
THAT'S GONNA COST?
[all chattering]
(Helen)
OH, CHEER UP, JOE.
FEW DAYS BED RES
AND YOU'LL BE
AS GOOD AS NEW.
YEAH, BUT WHY TRACTION?
BECAUSE THE DOCTOR SAID
THAT'S THE FASTEST WAY
FOR YOU TO GET BETTER.
BESIDES, YOU LOOK SO HANDSOME
IN A HOSPITAL GOWN.
ESPECIALLY FROM BEHIND.
DON'T TOUCH ME, HELEN.
I'M STERILE.
ON BEHALF OF ALL THE WOMEN
OF CHILDBEARING AGE,
THANK GOD.
WHERE'D YOU
GET THOSE, BRIAN?
BORROWED THESE
FROM A LOCKED CLOSET.
WELL, I'VE GOT TO GE
BACK TO THE COUNTER
BEFORE LUNCH.
I LEFT LOWELL IN CHARGE.
LAST TIME I DID THAT,
HE SUCKED ALL THE PIMENTOS
OUT OF THE OLIVES.
SEE YOU TONIGHT.
BYE.
[sighing]
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS LOWELL.
I CAN'T BE HERE.
I'VE GOT AN AIRLINE TO RUN.
JOE, JUST STOP IT.
JUST RELAX, WILL YOU?
JUST STAY WHERE YOU ARE.
RELAX. I WILL TAKE CARE
OF EVERYTHING. TRUST ME.
BRIAN, THE LAST TIME
YOU SAID, "TRUST ME,"
I WOUND UP NAKED ON I-95,
TRYIN' TO FLAG DOWN
ONCOMING TRAFFIC.
BUT WHO PULLED OVER
FOR YOU?
EXCUSE ME. HI.
UH, I'M NEW HERE.
WOULD YOU BE
DR. HEILBRON?
YES, I AM. AND, NURSE,
I WANT THIS PATIEN
SHAVED IMMEDIATELY.
LOOK, BRIAN
WELL, I DON'T KNOW,
DOCTOR.
I'VE NEVER SHAVED
ANYONE BEFORE.
I--I THOUGHT I WAS JUS
GONNA PASS OUT, YOU KNOW,
MAGAZINES AND CANDY BARS.
WELL, AS SOON AS
YOU FINISH SHAVING HIM,
JUST GIVE HIM A BUTTERFINGER.
BRIAN
SHAVE HIM
FROM HEAD TO TOE.
I WANT HIM AS SMOOTH
AS THE DAY HE WAS BORN.
BRIAN--
I DON'T KNOW
WHERE I'M GOIN' IN YET,
AND, UH, I LIKE TO
KEEP MY OPTIONS OPEN.
YES, DOCTOR.
SO, JOE, YOU WERE SAYIN'?
THERE, YOU SEE?
THA-- BRIAN, THAT IS EXACTLY
THE KIND OF IMMATURITY
COME ON.
AND IRRESPONSIBILITY
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT. YOU DON'
TAKE ANYTHING SERIOUSLY.
YOU KNOW, JOE,
I'VE BEEN ON CALL
FOR 48 HOURS STRAIGHT,
DID 5 GALL BLADDERS
THIS MORNING,
I'M SURROUNDED BY THE STENCH
OF DISEASE AND DEATH.
EXCUSE ME IF I JUST WAN
TO LAUGH, JUST A LITTLE.
ALL RIGHT, SHUT UP
AND GET ME DOWN FROM THIS.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
JOE, COME ON, NOW, LOOK--
WHOA!
THERE'S A SOUND
THAT'LL BRING A GROWN MAN
TO HIS KNEES, HUH?
COME ON, SERIOUSLY,
I KNOW I GOOF AROUND
A LOT, OK?
BUT YOU NEED ME NOW
AND I WANNA COME THROUGH
FOR YOU.
WELL, IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE
A CHOICE. ALL RIGHT. OK.
RIGHT.
WELL, LET ME BRIEF YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
THERE'S A SCHEDULE
OF ALL MY DAILY ACTIVITIES
IN THE BOTTOM RIGHT-HAND
DRAWER OF THE DESK.
MMM-HMM.
IT'S FILED UNDER
"S" FOR SCHEDULE.
SUB-HEADED "D" FOR DAILY.
NOW, THE BEAUTY
OF THAT SYSTEM IS--
JOE, JOE, JOE, JOE.
I'M SURE YOUR SYSTEM
IS AS WONDERFULLY EFFICIEN
AS IT IS EXCRUCIATINGLY
SELF-EXPLANATORY.
EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE
JUST FINE.
OK.
BRIAN?
WHAT?
THANKS.
FORGET IT, OK. JUST--
JUST TAKE IT EASY, BROTHER.
ALL RIGHT?
[kisses]
BEHAVE!
GOODBYE.
BYE.
[woman on P.A. chattering]
NOW,
I HAVEN'T EVER ACTUALLY
HANDLED A STRAIGHT-EDGED
RAZOR BEFORE,
BUT, IF YOU JUS
BEAR WITH ME--
NO, UH, NO, WAIT. YOU KNOW,
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
HE WAS NOT A REAL DOCTOR.
THAT'S MY--
IT'S MY FIRST TIME, TOO.
WE'RE BOTH NERVOUS.
NO. NO, NO, NO, NO!
YOU GET THA
AWAY FROM ME!
NURSE! NURSE!
NURSE!
(Brian)
WE'VE COME UP WITH AN IDEA
THAT WE FEEL SURE THAT YOU
AND YOUR STUDENTS COULD
REALLY GO FOR, MR. GREELY.
RIGHT. WE ARE AIMING FOR
A GUINNESS WORLD RECORD.
THE MOST HIGH SCHOOL
BAND MEMBERS
STUFFED INTO
A TWIN-ENGINE CESSNA.
THAT'S RIGHT.
NOW, IT'LL BE
GREAT PUBLICITY
FOR SANDPIPER AIR
AND IT'LL GIVE THE KIDS
MEMORIES THAT THEY'LL CHERISH
FOR THE REST OF
THEIR LIVES, YOU KNOW?
HMM.
W-WHAT? YOU
YOU WANNA BRING
THE MASCOT ALONG?
THE BAND MASCOT IS FINE.
THE MORE THE MERRIER.
[laughing]
OK. SEE YOU AFTER SCHOOL.
HOW WAS THE FLIGHT, KENNY?
AH, GREAT, SIR.
AND I FINISHED HANDING OU
THE PROMOTIONAL GIFTS
TO THE PASSENGERS
LIKE YOU ASKED.
HMM, NOT A BAD IDEA, HEY?
OH, IF I MAY
SAY SO, SIR,
PAINTING CRABS
WITH THE SANDPIPER LOGO
WAS A STROKE OF GENIUS.
AN INSPIRED CAMPAIGN.
AH! EMPTY FLATTERY.
I LIKE THA
IN AN UNDERLING.
[knocking on door]
THANK YOU, SIR.
HI, GUYS.
(Kenny)
HEY, MISS CHAPEL.
HAVE YOU SEEN OUR NEW
PROMOTIONAL GIMMICK?
AH! BLOB OF PAIN
ON THE BACK OF A CRAB.
THAT'D MAKE ME
FLY YOUR AIRLINE.
THAT IS NO
A BLOB OF PAINT.
THAT IS A SANDPIPER. HUH?
HMM.
WELL, YOU TRY PAINTING
A MOVING CRAB.
BRIAN, I'VE GO
A GIMMICK FOR YOU.
GREAT. I LIKE
HEARIN' NEW IDEAS.
LET'S TOSS IT AROUND,
SEE IF IT MAKES SALAD.
WHY DON'T YOU LOAD
ALL THE PASSENGERS
ONTO THE PLANE,
MMM-HMM.
AND THEN FLY THEM
WHERE THEY WANNA GO?
THAT HAS BEEN DONE
TO DEATH, HELEN.
SEE, I AM LOOKING
FOR FRESH CONCEPTS.
NEW IDEAS.
IT'S INCREDIBLE.
THE FLOODGATES ARE OPENING.
THE IDEAS ARE FLOWING.
KENNY?
WINGS ON THE SIDES
OF PLANES. WHY?
WRITE IT DOWN.
WRITE IT ALL DOWN.
GOT IT, SIR.
OH, GET A LOAD
OF MY MASTER STROKE.
I'VE ARRANGED
A LITTLE PROMOTIONAL JUNKE
FOR A GROUP OF TRAVEL AGENTS
FROM THE LARGES
AGENCY IN BOSTON.
AN ALL-EXPENSE-PAID TRIP
TO OUR CHARMING AND HISTORIC
ISLAND OF NANTUCKET,
COURTESY OF SANDPIPER AIR.
IN FACT, I BELIEVE
THAT FAY IS ESCORTING
THEIR WELL-FED BODIES
THROUGH OUR
COBBLESTONE STREETS,
AS WE SPEAK.
BRIAN, HOW CAN YOU
AFFORD THAT?
AFFORD? COME ON.
SEE, SEE, THAT'S JOE TALK.
DON'T YOU GET IT?
WE BUTTER UP
THESE TRAVEL AGENTS,
WE SHOW 'EM A GOOD TIME,
AND THEN THEY SEND
ALL THEIR BUSINESS TO US.
(Kenny)
EXCUSE ME, MR. HACKETT.
DOES "JOE TALK"
HAVE QUOTES AROUND IT?
IT'S YOUR CALL, KID.
I'M CALLING JOE.
NO. HELEN, HELEN, HELEN,
PLEASE. NOW, LOOK,
I KNOW I'M NO
REAL WELL-KNOWN FOR
COMING THROUGH ON THINGS,
BUT I WANNA PROVE TO JOE
THAT I CAN DO THIS.
I WANNA PROVE TO MYSELF
THAT I CAN DO THIS.
HAVE YOU CONSIDERED
YOU MIGHT BE GETTING IN
OVER YOUR HEAD A LITTLE HERE?
YOU--YOU REALLY HAVE
THAT LITTLE CONFIDENCE
IN MY ABILITY?
"THAT LITTLE" IMPLIES
THAT I HAVE SOME.
I HAVE NONE.
BRIAN, I'M BACK
WITH THE TRAVEL AGENTS.
THEY HAD
A WONDERFUL TIME.
SELDOM IN LIFE
DOES ONE ACHIEVE
SUCH IMMEDIATE VINDICATION.
KENNY!
GO WARM UP THE PLANE
AND START YOUR PRE-FLIGHT.
AYE, AYE, SIR.
I NEVER DOUBTED YOU
FOR A MINUTE.
KID'S A NATURAL SUCK-UP.
SO, THEY ALL HAD
A REALLY NICE TIME, HUH?
OH, YES. THEY ENJOYED
THE CRANBERRY BOG,
MMM-HMM.
AND THE WHALING MUSEUM.
BUT THEY REALLY LOVED I
WHEN I TOOK THEM THROUGH
HERMAN MELVILLE'S HOUSE.
FAY, HERMAN MELVILLE
NEVER LIVED ON NANTUCKET.
HE DIDN'T?
WELL, THA
CERTAINLY EXPLAINS
WHY THAT LADY
IN THE TOWEL
WAS SCREAMING AT US.
OK, OK, OK. SO YOU PULLED
THIS ONE THING OFF.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
AND WHO KNOWS,
MAYBE SOME OF THE THINGS
THAT I'VE SET IN MOTION
WILL ACTUALLY PAN OUT,
AND MAYBE BY THE TIME
JOE GETS BACK HERE,
SANDPIPER WILL NO LONGER
BE A ONE-PLANE OPERATION.
MR. HACKETT!
THE PLANE'S MISSING!
SEE?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
THE PLANE IS MISSING?
WELL, IT WAS OU
ON THE TARMAC
A FEW MINUTES AGO,
BUT--BUT NOW IT'S GONE.
WELL, THEN THE PLANE
CAN'T BE MISSING, BUBBALA.
OH, MY MOM'S
ALWAYS COMPLAINING
THAT I'M LOSING THINGS.
FIRST MY JACKE
AT THE PARK,
THEN MY BASEBALL GLOVE,
NOW THE PLANE.
THE PLANE IS MISSING!
OH! YOU LOS
THE PLANE?
NO, I--I
YOU LOST JOE'S PLANE?
HOW COULD YOU
LOSE THE PLANE, BRIAN?
TELL ME, HOW COULD YOU
LOSE A PLANE?
WHAT DID I EVER
SEE IN YOU?
BRIAN, DO YOU WAN
TO SAY A FEW WORDS
TO THE TRAVEL AGENTS
BEFORE THEY LEAVE?
AH NO.
UH, THEN I SHOULD GO AHEAD
AND START LOADING THEM.
MMM. NO.
ARE WE HAVING A PROBLEM?
ACTUALLY, FAY--
UH, ACTUALLY,
KENNY ATE ONE OF HELEN'S
CLAM BURRITOS FOR LUNCH
AND HE'S PAYIN' THE PIPER
RIGHT NOW.
NOW, LISTEN, FAY,
I REALLY NEED YOU
TO STALL THESE PEOPLE
OUT THERE.
WHY DON'T YOU SING THEM
ONE OF YOUR IRISH
FOLK SONGS, HMM?
I THINK I CAN BE
A LITTLE MORE CLEVER
THAN THAT.
OK, KENNY, I WANT YOU
TO HOP ON YOUR BIKE.
I WANT YOU TO TURN
THIS AIRPORT UPSIDE DOWN.
WE'VE GOT TO FIND THAT PLANE.
YES, SIR.
AND, KENNY,
I DON'T WANNA PU
ANY PRESSURE ON YOU,
BUT YOU LOST IT,
YOU FIND IT.
OR ELSE I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN
AND I WILL KILL YOU!
HELEN, HELEN,
HELEN, HELEN!
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
CALL JOE, ARE YOU?
WHAT, AND TELL HIM
YOU LOST THE PLANE?
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
YOU WANT ME TO GIVE HIM
A HEART ATTACK?
ALL I CAN TELL YOU,
BUDDY, IS YOU BETTER
FIND THE PLANE,
AND FIND IT FAST!
OK.
(Fay)
TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO
REAL FAST.
IT'S A BIG PLANE.
HAS TO BE HERE SOMEWHERE.
[sighing]
LOOK, I KNOW I PROBABLY
DON'T DESERVE THIS,
BUT IF YOU JUST GIVE ME
A FEW MINUTES OF PEACE,
I CAN REALLY
SORT THIS OUT.
[knocking on door]
(Fay)
IRISH LULLABY
HI.
INSPECTOR HANSON
FROM THE F.A.A.
A LITTLE
SPOT INSPECTION.
SURPRISE.
THANKS. EXACTLY
WHAT I HAD IN MIND.
OH, DANNY BOY
OH, DANNY BOY
I LOVE YOU SO
HELEN, HELEN,
I JUST CHECKED
EVERY HANGAR.
I CHECKED EVERY CORNER
OF THE AIRPORT.
IT'S NOT HERE.
THE PLANE IS NOT HERE.
WELL, DID YOU--
THE PLANE IS NOT HERE!
HEY, HACKETT.
WHAT?
YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO ARRANGED
THIS LITTLE JUNKE
FOR US, RIGHT?
YES, SIR. YES, SIR.
WELL, WE'VE HEARD
MOLLY MALONE SING
EVERY IRISH DITTY
SINCE THE POTATO FAMINE.
NOW, WHEN ARE WE
GETTING OUT OF HERE?
VERY SOON, SIR.
VERY SOON.
IF JUST BEAR WITH ME,
JUST FOR A FEW MINUTES.
A FEW MINUTES.
ROY,
YOU GOT ANY EXTRA SEATS
ON YOUR 4:15 TO BOSTON?
MMM-MMM.
WHY? WHAT'S WRONG?
OH, NOTHING.
MR. HACKETT.
EXCUSE ME.
MR. HACKETT, IF I DON'
GET ON YOUR PLANE
TO INSPECT YOUR PILOT'S LOG
IN 10 MINUTES,
YOU'LL BE FACING
A POSSIBLE SUSPENSION,
A STIFF FINE,
OR BOTH.
SIR, I TOLD YOU
IT IS ON ITS WAY.
MY PILOT IS ENCOUNTERING
SOME HEAVY HEADWINDS
FROM MARTHA'S VINEYARD.
IN FACT,
HE'S ACTUALLY LOST GROUND
IN THE LAST 5 MINUTES.
MR. HACKETT,
ARE YOU BLOWING SUNSHINE
UP THE GOVERNMENT'S SKIRT?
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
[stuttering]
LET ME BUY YOU
A CUP OF COFFEE.
NO, THANK YOU.
OH, REALLY?
WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD
'CAUSE THAT CUTE BLONDE
BEHIND THE COUNTER
KEEPS ASKING ME
WHO'S THE BLADE
IN THE POWER TIE.
REALLY?
ABSOLUTELY, OH. ENJOY.
BRIAN, BRI-- I--I DON'
UNDERSTAND THIS.
WHY HAVEN'T WE
TAKEN OFF YET?
FAY, FAY, FAY,
THE TRAVEL AGENTS
CAN'T KNOW THIS,
[whispering]
BUT THE PLANE IS MISSING.
THE PLANE'S MISSING?
THEIR PLANE'S MISSING.
OH, THIS IS EVEN BETTER
THAN I THOUGHT.
YOUR PLANE IS MISSING?
OH, NO. YOU KNOW,
I DON'T KNOW HOW
THESE RUMORS GET STARTED.
WE'RE JUST DOING
A--A SMALL, LITTLE
PRE-FLIGHT SAFETY ADJUSTMENT.
NOW, IF YOU'D LIKE ME
TO BYPASS THAT
NO, NO, L-LOOK, JUST--
JUST--JUST STEP ON IT.
FINE, FINE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH
FOR YOUR PATIENCE. THANK YOU.
YOU ALL LOOK GREAT.
FAY, I WANT YOU
TO GET ON THE HORN
RIGHT NOW.
I WANT YOU TO SEE
IF YOU CAN RENT A PLANE.
BUT DON'T LET ANYBODY
KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOIN',
OTHERWISE WE'RE DEAD MEAT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"WE," PALEFACE?
(Lowell)
PSST, BRIAN.
YES, YES, YES, YES.
WHAT IS IT, LOWELL?
YOUR PROBLEMS ARE OVER.
YOU FOUND MY PLANE?
EVEN BETTER.
BRIAN HACKETT,
MEET PEGGY McCLOSKEY.
HOUSEWIFE, TOWN PSYCHIC.
OH, NO.
YOU DIDN'T BRING ME
A PSYCHIC. LOWELL!
MR. HACKETT,
I'M NO CHARLATAN.
I'M JUS
AN ORDINARY HOUSEWIFE
WITH PARANORMAL POWERS
I CAN NEITHER EXPLAIN
NOR CONTROL.
WHAT THE HELL?
WHAT THE HELL?
DO YOU KNOW
WHERE MY PLANE IS?
LET ME SEE.
NOW, THE PLANE
WAS ONCE IN YOUR HANGAR.
WHOA! HAS SHE STEPPED OVER
FROM THE OTHER SIDE OR WHAT?
I NEED TO FEEL SOMETHING
THAT'S BEEN IN THE PLANE.
BRIAN'S BEEN
IN THE PLANE.
PERFECT.
ATTENTION, WEARY TRAVELERS.
TIRED OF WAITING FOR FLIGHTS
THAT NEVER LEAVE?
FLY AEROMASS'S
COMFORT SERVICE TO BOSTON.
THE PLANE'S
RIGHT OUTSIDE THE GATE.
YOU CAN SEE IT. THERE IT IS.
FOLKS, FOLKS, FOLKS, FOLKS,
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE,
DON'T GO.
WELL, GIVE US
ONE GOOD REASON
WHY WE SHOULDN'T.
ONE OF HIS PILOTS
IS NARCOLEPTIC
AND THIS MAN
CONSTANTLY DENIES IT.
HE'S LYING!
SEE!
THE COVER-UP CONTINUES.
PHENOMENAL.
JUST HAVE A SEAT.
ALL OF YOU, YOUR FLIGH
WILL BE LEAVING SHORTLY.
MR. HACKETT.
DID YOU IT?
YOU FIND THE PLANE?
OH, NO, BUT I HI
A HUGE POTHOLE
OUT ON THE TAXIWAY.
MAN, I REALLY
TRASHED MY BIKE.
OH, DEAR,
I BETTER HAVE A LOOK.
IF YOU EVER EXPEC
TO GET ANOTHER BOOKING
FROM MY TRAVEL AGENCY,
YOU'D BETTER GET US OU
OF THIS DAMN TERMINAL.
AND MISS THE FLOOR SHOW?
IT'S JUST ABOUT TO BEGIN.
OW! NOT THE IODINE.
IT STINGS! IT STINGS!
IF YOU TRAVEL WITH ME,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO
THROUGH THE METAL DETECTOR.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE SANDPIPER V.I.P. LOUNGE
IS PROUD TO PRESEN
THE EXOTIC MUSICAL STYLINGS
OH!
OF HELEN CHAPEL
AND HER ENCHANTED CELLO.
BRIAN, WHAT ARE YOU--
HELEN, YOU JUST HAVE TO
HELP ME STALL
FOR A FEW MINUTES.
NO, I DON'T.
YES, YOU DO.
NO, I DON'T.
WELL, THEN, FINE.
YOU'LL JUST SEE JOE
ON CONJUGAL VISITS. FINE.
WHAT'RE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
DON'T YOU SEE?
HE FINDS OUT ABOUT THIS,
HE KILLS ME,
GOES TO PRISON,
AND THEN YOU'LL ONLY
SEE HIM ONCE A MONTH
IN THOSE SWEATY OLD TRAILERS.
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
THAT'S FINE.
WHAT?
LOOK, HELEN, HELEN,
HELEN, PLEASE.
IF OUR RELATIONSHIP
MEANS ANYTHING TO YOU
OK.
I LOVE YOU.
OH, AND, UH, DON'T PLAY
ANY OF THAT CLASSICAL STUFF.
YOU KNOW,
KEEP IT PEPPY, PEP
HI. HI.
OYSTER CRACKERS. TAKE ONE.
PASS 'EM ON. OYSTER CRACKERS.
ANY REQUESTS?
HOW ABOUT THE THEME SONG
FROM MISSING?
I'M SORRY, BRIAN.
DON'T TELL ME THAT.
I TALKED TO
EVERY RENTAL OUTFI
ON THE ISLAND.
[cello playing]
THERE ARE NO PLANES
FOR RENT.
OH, GOD.
BUT IF YOU EVER NEED TO
RENT A DIALYSIS MACHINE,
I KNOW JUST THE PLACE.
I HAD JUST STEPPED
OUT OF THE SHOWER
WHEN I HEARD
THESE VOICES
SAYING SOMETHING
ABOUT MOBY-DICK.
THERE THEY ARE!
THEY'RE THE ONES
THAT BROKE INTO MY HOUSE.
AND THERE'S THE RINGLEADER.
UH, I'M--I'M NOT TAKING
THE RAP FOR THIS, BRIAN.
UH, OFFICER, I CAN
EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.
NO
[band playing]
ALMOST EVERYTHING.
[whistle blowing]
HELLO. I'M MR. GREELY,
DIRECTOR OF
THE SIASCONSET HIGH
MARCHING MULES.
HACKETT,
WHAT IS GOIN' ON HERE?
THINK I FORGO
TO MAKE A PHONE CALL.
WHERE'S THE PLANE?
AH, THAT SEEMS TO BE
THE QUESTION OF THE DAY.
IT WILL BE HERE SHORTLY.
JUST--JUST--
I TELL YOU WHAT, GUYS,
IN THE VERNACULAR OF MUSIC,
[phone ringing]
TAKE 5.
WHERE DO YOU WANT ESTHER?
ESTHER. JUST
CAN'T SHE WAIT IN HERE
WITH THE REST OF YOU?
OK, IF YOU SAY SO.
HACKETT, THE CONTROL TOWER
JUST CALLED.
I HAVE GOT A PLANE
TRYING TO PARK
BUT YOUR JUNIOR PILO
LEFT HIS BIKE
ON THE TAXIWAY.
MR. HACKETT,
MY PATIENCE IS WEARING THIN.
[mule braying]
YES
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
(Greely)
THAT'S ESTHER, THE MASCO
OF THE MARCHING MULES.
THINGS ARE STARTING
TO UNRAVEL HERE.
THE BIKE. THE BIKE.
[cello playing]
FAY, WHAT IS ALL THIS?
JOE, YOU'RE BACK.
OH, YEAH,
IT'S MUCH BETTER.
THANKS.
NO, I MEAN YOU'RE BACK.
YOU'RE HERE IN THE FLESH.
UH, YEAH, YEAH.
THE DOCTOR SENT ME HOME
EARLIER THAN EXPECTED.
HEY, WHAT THE HELL
IS GOING ON HERE?
UH, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
JOE, YOUR BACK.
YES, LOWELL, I AM.
NO, I MEAN YOUR BACK.
HOW IS IT?
FINE. IT'S FINE.
JOE, YOU'RE BACK.
YES, MY STUPID BACK IS FINE
AND I'M HERE, DAMN IT!
NOW, WOULD YOU TELL ME
WHAT IS GOING ON?
ALL RIGHT, HACKET
THAT'S IT. TIME'S UP.
[all chattering]
QUIET!
YOU'VE BEEN
IN THE PLANE.
BRIAN, WE NEED TO TALK.
JOE. JOE, JOE, JOE.
I--I--I COULD GIVE YOU
A VERY LONG SONG AND DANCE
ABOUT WHAT YOU SAW
OUT THERE.
SOME OF I
MIGHT EVEN BE TRUE,
BUT--BUT IT ALL
BOILS DOWN TO THIS.
I DON'T KNOW WHY,
I DON'T KNOW HOW,
BUT THE PLANE
IS GONE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
THE PLANE IS
HERE.
IT'S GONE HERE.
IT'S HERE NOW.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
OH! OH, THANK YOU, GOD.
WELL, WHY WOULDN'T I
BE HERE? OF COURSE,
IT WAS GONE EARLIER, RIGHT?
YEAH.
Y-YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?
WELL, YEAH, THE GUYS
FROM NEW BEDFORD CAME
AND TOOK IT OU
FOR ITS 100-HOUR CHECK,
DIDN'T THEY?
THEY DID? THEY DID!
OF COURSE, THEY DID.
WHY--WHY ARE
YOU SO SURPRISED?
IT WAS ALL
IN THE DAILY SCHEDULE.
THE DAILY SCHEDULE.
WHOA, I'M TELLING YOU, JOE,
'CAUSE WITHOU
THAT DAILY SCHEDULE,
I WOULDN'T KNOW
WHAT I WAS DOING.
THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
THE DAILY SCHEDULE! LOOK.
I JUST HAVE A FEW
LOOSE ENDS TO TIE UP
OUT THERE.
AND BY THE WAY,
DO WE HAVE ENOUGH PETTY CASH
LYING AROUND FOR BAIL MONEY?
D-DON'T EVEN WORRY
ABOUT THAT! YOU LOOK GREAT.
GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK.
[gasping]
THE PLANE'S BACK!
I KNOW THAT.
GOD LOVES ME.
HELEN, D-DID I SEE
A MULE OUT THERE?
UH
THE BAND AND
THE--THE POLICEMAN
AND THE WOMAN WITH THE
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.
BRIAN'S GONNA
TAKE CARE OF THIS.
IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK.
YEAH.
IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK.
I THINK.
MMM, OH, OH, UH, CAREFUL.
DOCTOR PUT YOU
ON MY LIST OF DON'TS
FOR ANOTHER WEEK.
OH, RIGHT. SORRY.
JOE,
DIDN'T YOU USED TO
HAVE HAIR ON YOUR ARMS?
(Joe)
IT'S A LONG STORY.
HEY, ROY,
GOT A MINUTE?
NO.
GREAT.
I'VE BEEN PRACTICING
SOME IMPRESSIONS
FOR THE LIONS CLUB
TALENT SHOW
AND I JUST WANT TO
TRY 'EM OUT ON YOU.
WHY DON'T YOU DO
AN IMPRESSION OF
SOMEONE LEAVING A ROOM?
ARE YOU READY? OK.
[phone ringing]
[sighing]
[speaking gruffly]
HI. I'M JACK BENNY.
LOWELL, THAT IS THE WORS
IMPERSONATION OF JACK BENNY
I'VE EVER SEEN.
BUT YOU KNEW
WHO IT WAS.
OK, WHO'S THIS?
[people chattering]
[speaking gruffly]
HI. I'M BETTE DAVIS.
OH, GEEZ.
NO, WAIT, WAIT.
THAT WAS KATHARINE HEPBURN.
I'M ALWAYS GETTIN'
THE 2 OF 'EM MIXED UP.
OK, HERE, TRY AGAIN.
[speaking gruffly]
HI. I'M BETTE DAVIS.
ROY!
[seagulls cawing]
JUST ABOUT DONE
WITH THAT, LOWELL?
I'LL BE THROUGH
IN A JIFF, JOE.
YOU KNOW, JOE,
THE LORD HAS BLESSED ME.
OH, YEAH?
HOW'S THAT, LOWELL?
I'VE GO
A BEAUTIFUL WIFE.
SOMETIMES I JUST LIKE
TO LIE IN BED
AND WATCH HER SLEEP.
HER FACE BATHED
IN MOONLIGHT,
HER HAIR CASCADING
ACROSS HER PILLOW,
HER BREASTS RISING AND FALLING
UNDER THE COVERS.
YOU EVER DO THAT, JOE?
YOU MEAN
WITH A GIRLFRIEND?
NO! I MEAN WITH MY WIFE!
THE GUYS TOLD ME YOU WERE
LOOKIN' AT HER FUNNY
THE OTHER DAY WHEN
SHE CAME TO PICK ME UP.
LOWELL, NO.
BELIEVE ME. NO.
I'M SORRY, JOE.
I GUESS I'M JUS
A JEALOUS FOOL.
NOW, JUST FORGE
I SAID ANYTHING ABOUT IT,
ESPECIALLY THE PAR
ABOUT HER HEAVING BREASTS.
AND, UH,
JOE, COULD YOU HAND ME
THAT CRESCENT WRENCH
DOWN THERE?
YEAH, SURE.
OH, GOD! I KNEW
I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.
AHA! SO THE TRUTH COMES OUT,
YOU HOME WRECKER!
NO, LOWELL,
IT'S MY BACK.
OH. WELL, THANK GOD.
LET ME HELP YOU UP.
HEY, JOE. ARE WE ON
FOR THAT 5 K RUN
IN THE MORNING?
UH, MY BACK'S
GONE OUT AGAIN.
OH! YOU OK?
OK, DON'T MAKE
ANY SUDDEN MOVES.
ALL RIGHT,
I'M GONNA GO FOR HELP.
HEY, LOWELL.
YEAH?
YOUR SHOE'S UNTIED.
HAH! NOT FALLIN'
FOR THAT OLD TRICK.
UH, THANKS, JOE.
OK, CAN YOU
STAND UP, HONEY?
OH, NO. I--I DON'T THINK SO.
I'M--I'M CLOSER TO THE FLOOR.
WHY DON'T WE GO THERE?
NO, NO, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT. BAD IDEA.
OH, THE FLOOR'S TOO HARD
FOR YOUR BACK?
NO. THESE ARE NEW PANTS.
OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES!
[groaning]
[grunting]
BE EASY.
[groaning]
LET ME HELP YOU.
[groaning]
WHOA, DON'T YOU KIDS
HAVE A HOME?
I MEAN, THE LEAS
YOU CAN DO IS
USE THE DESK IN THE OFFICE.
JOE'S BACK WENT OUT.
YEAH, I'LL BET IT DID.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, LET'S GE
THIS BIG BABY INSIDE, OK?
OW! OW!
WHAT'S WRONG?
[gasps]
WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL, JOE'S BACK WENT OU
AND BRIAN TRIED TO MOVE HIM.
OH, NO, MOVING HIM
COULD REALLY HURT.
WE SHOULD GET SOME ICE
FOR HIS BACK.
UH, NO, YOU ONLY APPLY ICE
AFTER YOU APPLY MOIST HEAT.
MAYBE SOMEONE SHOULD
TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL.
NO, IT'S ICE, THEN HEAT.
NO, IT'S HEAT, THEN ICE.
ARE YOU SURE
YOU JUST DON'T BREATHE
INTO A BROWN PAPER BAG?
YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE SHOULD
TAKE HIM TO A CHIROPRACTOR.
[razzing]
NO, WHAT HE REALLY NEEDS
IS SOME ACUPUNCTURE.
UH, THE HOSPITAL--
(Roy)
ACUPUNCTURE?
WHY DON'T WE JUST WAVE
A DEAD CHICKEN OVER HIM?
(Helen)
LET'S JUST GET A CONSENSUS
(Brian)
WHY DON'T WE JUST TAKE HIM
TO A GENERAL PRACTITIONER?
(Roy)
A GENERAL PRACTITIONER?
YOU KNOW WHA
THAT'S GONNA COST?
[all chattering]
(Helen)
OH, CHEER UP, JOE.
FEW DAYS BED RES
AND YOU'LL BE
AS GOOD AS NEW.
YEAH, BUT WHY TRACTION?
BECAUSE THE DOCTOR SAID
THAT'S THE FASTEST WAY
FOR YOU TO GET BETTER.
BESIDES, YOU LOOK SO HANDSOME
IN A HOSPITAL GOWN.
ESPECIALLY FROM BEHIND.
DON'T TOUCH ME, HELEN.
I'M STERILE.
ON BEHALF OF ALL THE WOMEN
OF CHILDBEARING AGE,
THANK GOD.
WHERE'D YOU
GET THOSE, BRIAN?
BORROWED THESE
FROM A LOCKED CLOSET.
WELL, I'VE GOT TO GE
BACK TO THE COUNTER
BEFORE LUNCH.
I LEFT LOWELL IN CHARGE.
LAST TIME I DID THAT,
HE SUCKED ALL THE PIMENTOS
OUT OF THE OLIVES.
SEE YOU TONIGHT.
BYE.
[sighing]
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS LOWELL.
I CAN'T BE HERE.
I'VE GOT AN AIRLINE TO RUN.
JOE, JUST STOP IT.
JUST RELAX, WILL YOU?
JUST STAY WHERE YOU ARE.
RELAX. I WILL TAKE CARE
OF EVERYTHING. TRUST ME.
BRIAN, THE LAST TIME
YOU SAID, "TRUST ME,"
I WOUND UP NAKED ON I-95,
TRYIN' TO FLAG DOWN
ONCOMING TRAFFIC.
BUT WHO PULLED OVER
FOR YOU?
EXCUSE ME. HI.
UH, I'M NEW HERE.
WOULD YOU BE
DR. HEILBRON?
YES, I AM. AND, NURSE,
I WANT THIS PATIEN
SHAVED IMMEDIATELY.
LOOK, BRIAN
WELL, I DON'T KNOW,
DOCTOR.
I'VE NEVER SHAVED
ANYONE BEFORE.
I--I THOUGHT I WAS JUS
GONNA PASS OUT, YOU KNOW,
MAGAZINES AND CANDY BARS.
WELL, AS SOON AS
YOU FINISH SHAVING HIM,
JUST GIVE HIM A BUTTERFINGER.
BRIAN
SHAVE HIM
FROM HEAD TO TOE.
I WANT HIM AS SMOOTH
AS THE DAY HE WAS BORN.
BRIAN--
I DON'T KNOW
WHERE I'M GOIN' IN YET,
AND, UH, I LIKE TO
KEEP MY OPTIONS OPEN.
YES, DOCTOR.
SO, JOE, YOU WERE SAYIN'?
THERE, YOU SEE?
THA-- BRIAN, THAT IS EXACTLY
THE KIND OF IMMATURITY
COME ON.
AND IRRESPONSIBILITY
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT. YOU DON'
TAKE ANYTHING SERIOUSLY.
YOU KNOW, JOE,
I'VE BEEN ON CALL
FOR 48 HOURS STRAIGHT,
DID 5 GALL BLADDERS
THIS MORNING,
I'M SURROUNDED BY THE STENCH
OF DISEASE AND DEATH.
EXCUSE ME IF I JUST WAN
TO LAUGH, JUST A LITTLE.
ALL RIGHT, SHUT UP
AND GET ME DOWN FROM THIS.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
JOE, COME ON, NOW, LOOK--
WHOA!
THERE'S A SOUND
THAT'LL BRING A GROWN MAN
TO HIS KNEES, HUH?
COME ON, SERIOUSLY,
I KNOW I GOOF AROUND
A LOT, OK?
BUT YOU NEED ME NOW
AND I WANNA COME THROUGH
FOR YOU.
WELL, IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE
A CHOICE. ALL RIGHT. OK.
RIGHT.
WELL, LET ME BRIEF YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
THERE'S A SCHEDULE
OF ALL MY DAILY ACTIVITIES
IN THE BOTTOM RIGHT-HAND
DRAWER OF THE DESK.
MMM-HMM.
IT'S FILED UNDER
"S" FOR SCHEDULE.
SUB-HEADED "D" FOR DAILY.
NOW, THE BEAUTY
OF THAT SYSTEM IS--
JOE, JOE, JOE, JOE.
I'M SURE YOUR SYSTEM
IS AS WONDERFULLY EFFICIEN
AS IT IS EXCRUCIATINGLY
SELF-EXPLANATORY.
EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE
JUST FINE.
OK.
BRIAN?
WHAT?
THANKS.
FORGET IT, OK. JUST--
JUST TAKE IT EASY, BROTHER.
ALL RIGHT?
[kisses]
BEHAVE!
GOODBYE.
BYE.
[woman on P.A. chattering]
NOW,
I HAVEN'T EVER ACTUALLY
HANDLED A STRAIGHT-EDGED
RAZOR BEFORE,
BUT, IF YOU JUS
BEAR WITH ME--
NO, UH, NO, WAIT. YOU KNOW,
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
HE WAS NOT A REAL DOCTOR.
THAT'S MY--
IT'S MY FIRST TIME, TOO.
WE'RE BOTH NERVOUS.
NO. NO, NO, NO, NO!
YOU GET THA
AWAY FROM ME!
NURSE! NURSE!
NURSE!
(Brian)
WE'VE COME UP WITH AN IDEA
THAT WE FEEL SURE THAT YOU
AND YOUR STUDENTS COULD
REALLY GO FOR, MR. GREELY.
RIGHT. WE ARE AIMING FOR
A GUINNESS WORLD RECORD.
THE MOST HIGH SCHOOL
BAND MEMBERS
STUFFED INTO
A TWIN-ENGINE CESSNA.
THAT'S RIGHT.
NOW, IT'LL BE
GREAT PUBLICITY
FOR SANDPIPER AIR
AND IT'LL GIVE THE KIDS
MEMORIES THAT THEY'LL CHERISH
FOR THE REST OF
THEIR LIVES, YOU KNOW?
HMM.
W-WHAT? YOU
YOU WANNA BRING
THE MASCOT ALONG?
THE BAND MASCOT IS FINE.
THE MORE THE MERRIER.
[laughing]
OK. SEE YOU AFTER SCHOOL.
HOW WAS THE FLIGHT, KENNY?
AH, GREAT, SIR.
AND I FINISHED HANDING OU
THE PROMOTIONAL GIFTS
TO THE PASSENGERS
LIKE YOU ASKED.
HMM, NOT A BAD IDEA, HEY?
OH, IF I MAY
SAY SO, SIR,
PAINTING CRABS
WITH THE SANDPIPER LOGO
WAS A STROKE OF GENIUS.
AN INSPIRED CAMPAIGN.
AH! EMPTY FLATTERY.
I LIKE THA
IN AN UNDERLING.
[knocking on door]
THANK YOU, SIR.
HI, GUYS.
(Kenny)
HEY, MISS CHAPEL.
HAVE YOU SEEN OUR NEW
PROMOTIONAL GIMMICK?
AH! BLOB OF PAIN
ON THE BACK OF A CRAB.
THAT'D MAKE ME
FLY YOUR AIRLINE.
THAT IS NO
A BLOB OF PAINT.
THAT IS A SANDPIPER. HUH?
HMM.
WELL, YOU TRY PAINTING
A MOVING CRAB.
BRIAN, I'VE GO
A GIMMICK FOR YOU.
GREAT. I LIKE
HEARIN' NEW IDEAS.
LET'S TOSS IT AROUND,
SEE IF IT MAKES SALAD.
WHY DON'T YOU LOAD
ALL THE PASSENGERS
ONTO THE PLANE,
MMM-HMM.
AND THEN FLY THEM
WHERE THEY WANNA GO?
THAT HAS BEEN DONE
TO DEATH, HELEN.
SEE, I AM LOOKING
FOR FRESH CONCEPTS.
NEW IDEAS.
IT'S INCREDIBLE.
THE FLOODGATES ARE OPENING.
THE IDEAS ARE FLOWING.
KENNY?
WINGS ON THE SIDES
OF PLANES. WHY?
WRITE IT DOWN.
WRITE IT ALL DOWN.
GOT IT, SIR.
OH, GET A LOAD
OF MY MASTER STROKE.
I'VE ARRANGED
A LITTLE PROMOTIONAL JUNKE
FOR A GROUP OF TRAVEL AGENTS
FROM THE LARGES
AGENCY IN BOSTON.
AN ALL-EXPENSE-PAID TRIP
TO OUR CHARMING AND HISTORIC
ISLAND OF NANTUCKET,
COURTESY OF SANDPIPER AIR.
IN FACT, I BELIEVE
THAT FAY IS ESCORTING
THEIR WELL-FED BODIES
THROUGH OUR
COBBLESTONE STREETS,
AS WE SPEAK.
BRIAN, HOW CAN YOU
AFFORD THAT?
AFFORD? COME ON.
SEE, SEE, THAT'S JOE TALK.
DON'T YOU GET IT?
WE BUTTER UP
THESE TRAVEL AGENTS,
WE SHOW 'EM A GOOD TIME,
AND THEN THEY SEND
ALL THEIR BUSINESS TO US.
(Kenny)
EXCUSE ME, MR. HACKETT.
DOES "JOE TALK"
HAVE QUOTES AROUND IT?
IT'S YOUR CALL, KID.
I'M CALLING JOE.
NO. HELEN, HELEN, HELEN,
PLEASE. NOW, LOOK,
I KNOW I'M NO
REAL WELL-KNOWN FOR
COMING THROUGH ON THINGS,
BUT I WANNA PROVE TO JOE
THAT I CAN DO THIS.
I WANNA PROVE TO MYSELF
THAT I CAN DO THIS.
HAVE YOU CONSIDERED
YOU MIGHT BE GETTING IN
OVER YOUR HEAD A LITTLE HERE?
YOU--YOU REALLY HAVE
THAT LITTLE CONFIDENCE
IN MY ABILITY?
"THAT LITTLE" IMPLIES
THAT I HAVE SOME.
I HAVE NONE.
BRIAN, I'M BACK
WITH THE TRAVEL AGENTS.
THEY HAD
A WONDERFUL TIME.
SELDOM IN LIFE
DOES ONE ACHIEVE
SUCH IMMEDIATE VINDICATION.
KENNY!
GO WARM UP THE PLANE
AND START YOUR PRE-FLIGHT.
AYE, AYE, SIR.
I NEVER DOUBTED YOU
FOR A MINUTE.
KID'S A NATURAL SUCK-UP.
SO, THEY ALL HAD
A REALLY NICE TIME, HUH?
OH, YES. THEY ENJOYED
THE CRANBERRY BOG,
MMM-HMM.
AND THE WHALING MUSEUM.
BUT THEY REALLY LOVED I
WHEN I TOOK THEM THROUGH
HERMAN MELVILLE'S HOUSE.
FAY, HERMAN MELVILLE
NEVER LIVED ON NANTUCKET.
HE DIDN'T?
WELL, THA
CERTAINLY EXPLAINS
WHY THAT LADY
IN THE TOWEL
WAS SCREAMING AT US.
OK, OK, OK. SO YOU PULLED
THIS ONE THING OFF.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
AND WHO KNOWS,
MAYBE SOME OF THE THINGS
THAT I'VE SET IN MOTION
WILL ACTUALLY PAN OUT,
AND MAYBE BY THE TIME
JOE GETS BACK HERE,
SANDPIPER WILL NO LONGER
BE A ONE-PLANE OPERATION.
MR. HACKETT!
THE PLANE'S MISSING!
SEE?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
THE PLANE IS MISSING?
WELL, IT WAS OU
ON THE TARMAC
A FEW MINUTES AGO,
BUT--BUT NOW IT'S GONE.
WELL, THEN THE PLANE
CAN'T BE MISSING, BUBBALA.
OH, MY MOM'S
ALWAYS COMPLAINING
THAT I'M LOSING THINGS.
FIRST MY JACKE
AT THE PARK,
THEN MY BASEBALL GLOVE,
NOW THE PLANE.
THE PLANE IS MISSING!
OH! YOU LOS
THE PLANE?
NO, I--I
YOU LOST JOE'S PLANE?
HOW COULD YOU
LOSE THE PLANE, BRIAN?
TELL ME, HOW COULD YOU
LOSE A PLANE?
WHAT DID I EVER
SEE IN YOU?
BRIAN, DO YOU WAN
TO SAY A FEW WORDS
TO THE TRAVEL AGENTS
BEFORE THEY LEAVE?
AH NO.
UH, THEN I SHOULD GO AHEAD
AND START LOADING THEM.
MMM. NO.
ARE WE HAVING A PROBLEM?
ACTUALLY, FAY--
UH, ACTUALLY,
KENNY ATE ONE OF HELEN'S
CLAM BURRITOS FOR LUNCH
AND HE'S PAYIN' THE PIPER
RIGHT NOW.
NOW, LISTEN, FAY,
I REALLY NEED YOU
TO STALL THESE PEOPLE
OUT THERE.
WHY DON'T YOU SING THEM
ONE OF YOUR IRISH
FOLK SONGS, HMM?
I THINK I CAN BE
A LITTLE MORE CLEVER
THAN THAT.
OK, KENNY, I WANT YOU
TO HOP ON YOUR BIKE.
I WANT YOU TO TURN
THIS AIRPORT UPSIDE DOWN.
WE'VE GOT TO FIND THAT PLANE.
YES, SIR.
AND, KENNY,
I DON'T WANNA PU
ANY PRESSURE ON YOU,
BUT YOU LOST IT,
YOU FIND IT.
OR ELSE I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN
AND I WILL KILL YOU!
HELEN, HELEN,
HELEN, HELEN!
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
CALL JOE, ARE YOU?
WHAT, AND TELL HIM
YOU LOST THE PLANE?
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
YOU WANT ME TO GIVE HIM
A HEART ATTACK?
ALL I CAN TELL YOU,
BUDDY, IS YOU BETTER
FIND THE PLANE,
AND FIND IT FAST!
OK.
(Fay)
TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO
REAL FAST.
IT'S A BIG PLANE.
HAS TO BE HERE SOMEWHERE.
[sighing]
LOOK, I KNOW I PROBABLY
DON'T DESERVE THIS,
BUT IF YOU JUST GIVE ME
A FEW MINUTES OF PEACE,
I CAN REALLY
SORT THIS OUT.
[knocking on door]
(Fay)
IRISH LULLABY
HI.
INSPECTOR HANSON
FROM THE F.A.A.
A LITTLE
SPOT INSPECTION.
SURPRISE.
THANKS. EXACTLY
WHAT I HAD IN MIND.
OH, DANNY BOY
OH, DANNY BOY
I LOVE YOU SO
HELEN, HELEN,
I JUST CHECKED
EVERY HANGAR.
I CHECKED EVERY CORNER
OF THE AIRPORT.
IT'S NOT HERE.
THE PLANE IS NOT HERE.
WELL, DID YOU--
THE PLANE IS NOT HERE!
HEY, HACKETT.
WHAT?
YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO ARRANGED
THIS LITTLE JUNKE
FOR US, RIGHT?
YES, SIR. YES, SIR.
WELL, WE'VE HEARD
MOLLY MALONE SING
EVERY IRISH DITTY
SINCE THE POTATO FAMINE.
NOW, WHEN ARE WE
GETTING OUT OF HERE?
VERY SOON, SIR.
VERY SOON.
IF JUST BEAR WITH ME,
JUST FOR A FEW MINUTES.
A FEW MINUTES.
ROY,
YOU GOT ANY EXTRA SEATS
ON YOUR 4:15 TO BOSTON?
MMM-MMM.
WHY? WHAT'S WRONG?
OH, NOTHING.
MR. HACKETT.
EXCUSE ME.
MR. HACKETT, IF I DON'
GET ON YOUR PLANE
TO INSPECT YOUR PILOT'S LOG
IN 10 MINUTES,
YOU'LL BE FACING
A POSSIBLE SUSPENSION,
A STIFF FINE,
OR BOTH.
SIR, I TOLD YOU
IT IS ON ITS WAY.
MY PILOT IS ENCOUNTERING
SOME HEAVY HEADWINDS
FROM MARTHA'S VINEYARD.
IN FACT,
HE'S ACTUALLY LOST GROUND
IN THE LAST 5 MINUTES.
MR. HACKETT,
ARE YOU BLOWING SUNSHINE
UP THE GOVERNMENT'S SKIRT?
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
[stuttering]
LET ME BUY YOU
A CUP OF COFFEE.
NO, THANK YOU.
OH, REALLY?
WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD
'CAUSE THAT CUTE BLONDE
BEHIND THE COUNTER
KEEPS ASKING ME
WHO'S THE BLADE
IN THE POWER TIE.
REALLY?
ABSOLUTELY, OH. ENJOY.
BRIAN, BRI-- I--I DON'
UNDERSTAND THIS.
WHY HAVEN'T WE
TAKEN OFF YET?
FAY, FAY, FAY,
THE TRAVEL AGENTS
CAN'T KNOW THIS,
[whispering]
BUT THE PLANE IS MISSING.
THE PLANE'S MISSING?
THEIR PLANE'S MISSING.
OH, THIS IS EVEN BETTER
THAN I THOUGHT.
YOUR PLANE IS MISSING?
OH, NO. YOU KNOW,
I DON'T KNOW HOW
THESE RUMORS GET STARTED.
WE'RE JUST DOING
A--A SMALL, LITTLE
PRE-FLIGHT SAFETY ADJUSTMENT.
NOW, IF YOU'D LIKE ME
TO BYPASS THAT
NO, NO, L-LOOK, JUST--
JUST--JUST STEP ON IT.
FINE, FINE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH
FOR YOUR PATIENCE. THANK YOU.
YOU ALL LOOK GREAT.
FAY, I WANT YOU
TO GET ON THE HORN
RIGHT NOW.
I WANT YOU TO SEE
IF YOU CAN RENT A PLANE.
BUT DON'T LET ANYBODY
KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOIN',
OTHERWISE WE'RE DEAD MEAT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"WE," PALEFACE?
(Lowell)
PSST, BRIAN.
YES, YES, YES, YES.
WHAT IS IT, LOWELL?
YOUR PROBLEMS ARE OVER.
YOU FOUND MY PLANE?
EVEN BETTER.
BRIAN HACKETT,
MEET PEGGY McCLOSKEY.
HOUSEWIFE, TOWN PSYCHIC.
OH, NO.
YOU DIDN'T BRING ME
A PSYCHIC. LOWELL!
MR. HACKETT,
I'M NO CHARLATAN.
I'M JUS
AN ORDINARY HOUSEWIFE
WITH PARANORMAL POWERS
I CAN NEITHER EXPLAIN
NOR CONTROL.
WHAT THE HELL?
WHAT THE HELL?
DO YOU KNOW
WHERE MY PLANE IS?
LET ME SEE.
NOW, THE PLANE
WAS ONCE IN YOUR HANGAR.
WHOA! HAS SHE STEPPED OVER
FROM THE OTHER SIDE OR WHAT?
I NEED TO FEEL SOMETHING
THAT'S BEEN IN THE PLANE.
BRIAN'S BEEN
IN THE PLANE.
PERFECT.
ATTENTION, WEARY TRAVELERS.
TIRED OF WAITING FOR FLIGHTS
THAT NEVER LEAVE?
FLY AEROMASS'S
COMFORT SERVICE TO BOSTON.
THE PLANE'S
RIGHT OUTSIDE THE GATE.
YOU CAN SEE IT. THERE IT IS.
FOLKS, FOLKS, FOLKS, FOLKS,
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE,
DON'T GO.
WELL, GIVE US
ONE GOOD REASON
WHY WE SHOULDN'T.
ONE OF HIS PILOTS
IS NARCOLEPTIC
AND THIS MAN
CONSTANTLY DENIES IT.
HE'S LYING!
SEE!
THE COVER-UP CONTINUES.
PHENOMENAL.
JUST HAVE A SEAT.
ALL OF YOU, YOUR FLIGH
WILL BE LEAVING SHORTLY.
MR. HACKETT.
DID YOU IT?
YOU FIND THE PLANE?
OH, NO, BUT I HI
A HUGE POTHOLE
OUT ON THE TAXIWAY.
MAN, I REALLY
TRASHED MY BIKE.
OH, DEAR,
I BETTER HAVE A LOOK.
IF YOU EVER EXPEC
TO GET ANOTHER BOOKING
FROM MY TRAVEL AGENCY,
YOU'D BETTER GET US OU
OF THIS DAMN TERMINAL.
AND MISS THE FLOOR SHOW?
IT'S JUST ABOUT TO BEGIN.
OW! NOT THE IODINE.
IT STINGS! IT STINGS!
IF YOU TRAVEL WITH ME,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO
THROUGH THE METAL DETECTOR.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE SANDPIPER V.I.P. LOUNGE
IS PROUD TO PRESEN
THE EXOTIC MUSICAL STYLINGS
OH!
OF HELEN CHAPEL
AND HER ENCHANTED CELLO.
BRIAN, WHAT ARE YOU--
HELEN, YOU JUST HAVE TO
HELP ME STALL
FOR A FEW MINUTES.
NO, I DON'T.
YES, YOU DO.
NO, I DON'T.
WELL, THEN, FINE.
YOU'LL JUST SEE JOE
ON CONJUGAL VISITS. FINE.
WHAT'RE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
DON'T YOU SEE?
HE FINDS OUT ABOUT THIS,
HE KILLS ME,
GOES TO PRISON,
AND THEN YOU'LL ONLY
SEE HIM ONCE A MONTH
IN THOSE SWEATY OLD TRAILERS.
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
THAT'S FINE.
WHAT?
LOOK, HELEN, HELEN,
HELEN, PLEASE.
IF OUR RELATIONSHIP
MEANS ANYTHING TO YOU
OK.
I LOVE YOU.
OH, AND, UH, DON'T PLAY
ANY OF THAT CLASSICAL STUFF.
YOU KNOW,
KEEP IT PEPPY, PEP
HI. HI.
OYSTER CRACKERS. TAKE ONE.
PASS 'EM ON. OYSTER CRACKERS.
ANY REQUESTS?
HOW ABOUT THE THEME SONG
FROM MISSING?
I'M SORRY, BRIAN.
DON'T TELL ME THAT.
I TALKED TO
EVERY RENTAL OUTFI
ON THE ISLAND.
[cello playing]
THERE ARE NO PLANES
FOR RENT.
OH, GOD.
BUT IF YOU EVER NEED TO
RENT A DIALYSIS MACHINE,
I KNOW JUST THE PLACE.
I HAD JUST STEPPED
OUT OF THE SHOWER
WHEN I HEARD
THESE VOICES
SAYING SOMETHING
ABOUT MOBY-DICK.
THERE THEY ARE!
THEY'RE THE ONES
THAT BROKE INTO MY HOUSE.
AND THERE'S THE RINGLEADER.
UH, I'M--I'M NOT TAKING
THE RAP FOR THIS, BRIAN.
UH, OFFICER, I CAN
EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.
NO
[band playing]
ALMOST EVERYTHING.
[whistle blowing]
HELLO. I'M MR. GREELY,
DIRECTOR OF
THE SIASCONSET HIGH
MARCHING MULES.
HACKETT,
WHAT IS GOIN' ON HERE?
THINK I FORGO
TO MAKE A PHONE CALL.
WHERE'S THE PLANE?
AH, THAT SEEMS TO BE
THE QUESTION OF THE DAY.
IT WILL BE HERE SHORTLY.
JUST--JUST--
I TELL YOU WHAT, GUYS,
IN THE VERNACULAR OF MUSIC,
[phone ringing]
TAKE 5.
WHERE DO YOU WANT ESTHER?
ESTHER. JUST
CAN'T SHE WAIT IN HERE
WITH THE REST OF YOU?
OK, IF YOU SAY SO.
HACKETT, THE CONTROL TOWER
JUST CALLED.
I HAVE GOT A PLANE
TRYING TO PARK
BUT YOUR JUNIOR PILO
LEFT HIS BIKE
ON THE TAXIWAY.
MR. HACKETT,
MY PATIENCE IS WEARING THIN.
[mule braying]
YES
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
(Greely)
THAT'S ESTHER, THE MASCO
OF THE MARCHING MULES.
THINGS ARE STARTING
TO UNRAVEL HERE.
THE BIKE. THE BIKE.
[cello playing]
FAY, WHAT IS ALL THIS?
JOE, YOU'RE BACK.
OH, YEAH,
IT'S MUCH BETTER.
THANKS.
NO, I MEAN YOU'RE BACK.
YOU'RE HERE IN THE FLESH.
UH, YEAH, YEAH.
THE DOCTOR SENT ME HOME
EARLIER THAN EXPECTED.
HEY, WHAT THE HELL
IS GOING ON HERE?
UH, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
JOE, YOUR BACK.
YES, LOWELL, I AM.
NO, I MEAN YOUR BACK.
HOW IS IT?
FINE. IT'S FINE.
JOE, YOU'RE BACK.
YES, MY STUPID BACK IS FINE
AND I'M HERE, DAMN IT!
NOW, WOULD YOU TELL ME
WHAT IS GOING ON?
ALL RIGHT, HACKET
THAT'S IT. TIME'S UP.
[all chattering]
QUIET!
YOU'VE BEEN
IN THE PLANE.
BRIAN, WE NEED TO TALK.
JOE. JOE, JOE, JOE.
I--I--I COULD GIVE YOU
A VERY LONG SONG AND DANCE
ABOUT WHAT YOU SAW
OUT THERE.
SOME OF I
MIGHT EVEN BE TRUE,
BUT--BUT IT ALL
BOILS DOWN TO THIS.
I DON'T KNOW WHY,
I DON'T KNOW HOW,
BUT THE PLANE
IS GONE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
THE PLANE IS
HERE.
IT'S GONE HERE.
IT'S HERE NOW.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
OH! OH, THANK YOU, GOD.
WELL, WHY WOULDN'T I
BE HERE? OF COURSE,
IT WAS GONE EARLIER, RIGHT?
YEAH.
Y-YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?
WELL, YEAH, THE GUYS
FROM NEW BEDFORD CAME
AND TOOK IT OU
FOR ITS 100-HOUR CHECK,
DIDN'T THEY?
THEY DID? THEY DID!
OF COURSE, THEY DID.
WHY--WHY ARE
YOU SO SURPRISED?
IT WAS ALL
IN THE DAILY SCHEDULE.
THE DAILY SCHEDULE.
WHOA, I'M TELLING YOU, JOE,
'CAUSE WITHOU
THAT DAILY SCHEDULE,
I WOULDN'T KNOW
WHAT I WAS DOING.
THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
THE DAILY SCHEDULE! LOOK.
I JUST HAVE A FEW
LOOSE ENDS TO TIE UP
OUT THERE.
AND BY THE WAY,
DO WE HAVE ENOUGH PETTY CASH
LYING AROUND FOR BAIL MONEY?
D-DON'T EVEN WORRY
ABOUT THAT! YOU LOOK GREAT.
GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK.
[gasping]
THE PLANE'S BACK!
I KNOW THAT.
GOD LOVES ME.
HELEN, D-DID I SEE
A MULE OUT THERE?
UH
THE BAND AND
THE--THE POLICEMAN
AND THE WOMAN WITH THE
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.
BRIAN'S GONNA
TAKE CARE OF THIS.
IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK.
YEAH.
IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK.
I THINK.
MMM, OH, OH, UH, CAREFUL.
DOCTOR PUT YOU
ON MY LIST OF DON'TS
FOR ANOTHER WEEK.
OH, RIGHT. SORRY.
JOE,
DIDN'T YOU USED TO
HAVE HAIR ON YOUR ARMS?
(Joe)
IT'S A LONG STORY.