According To Jim s02e16 Episode Script
Slumber Party
Whoa, Ruby.
Sweetie, come here, honey.
We have to talk about your birthday.
Do you want the Little Mermaid, Cinderella, or Snow White? I want a clown.
Are you sure, honey? 'Cause once you get a clown you're stuck with him.
Did I not say that at your bridal shower? Then can I have Prince Charming? Oh, Ruby.
Oh! Prince Charming doesn't just show up at your door.
You have to go out and search for him.
You have to go to bars, join a gym Dana All right, Ruby, come on, let's go make tiaras.
Now, the first thing to look for in a prince is no wedding ring.
Hello.
Hi, Daddy.
Hi, girls.
Honey, thank you.
Here you go.
Hey, did you get the plates for Ruby's party? I sure did.
What do these look like? Jim, how could you get NASCAR plates? Jim, NASCAR plates don't go with Disney Princess cups.
Now it's all a mish-mash, there's no theme.
Well, can't "no theme" be the theme? Okay, what's all this? Well, those are the munchies you asked me to pick up.
Jim, I said scrunchies.
I wanted them to go in the goodie bags.
As usual, nothing gets done right unless I do it.
Hey, just because it wasn't done your way doesn't mean it was wrong.
Yeah, Jim, it kind of does.
What's a scrunchie? It's a cloth-covered hair ornament with gentle elastic designed to aid in the twist and loop of a ponytail.
Duh! Well, here's a stumper for you, what are testicles? Oh, baby! Cheryl, hey! Wake up! What, are you still sleeping? You don't look so good.
Put some make-up on.
Cheryl, come on, you're not even trying anymore.
Jim! I'm sick.
What? My throat hurts, I've got a temperature.
Oh, honey, I can't be sick today, it's Ruby's birthday.
You are burning up, let me get you a couple of aspirins.
Oh, thank you, honey.
Oh, I can't believe I'm gonna have to cancel her party.
Yeah, now don't you feel silly about making such a big deal out of the NASCAR plates? Mommy, am I seven now? Oh, yes, you are, my big birthday girl.
How many hours till my party starts? Oh, sweetie, don't sit too close to Mommy, okay? I'm sick.
Um Honey I am really sorry, but I don't think I can do your party today.
No, you have to.
Oh, honey, I wish I could.
I just don't want to get all the other kids sick.
Can't Daddy do it? That is so cute.
What's cute? She thinks you can do the party without me.
No.
Honey, that's not Daddy's thing.
Whoa, not my thing? Cheryl, flossing may not be my thing.
Judging Amy may not be my thing.
Flushing a toilet may not be my thing.
But throwing a little party for my daughter, Cheryl, that's my thing.
Jim, Jim, I'm serious, you know, it's a lot of work to There's a whole list of things that goes into throwing a party like this.
What's this? It's my party book.
Scared? I'm not scared of books, I just prefer movies.
Come on, I can do it.
Ruby, I, your father, will take care of everything.
And this may surprise your mother, but I'm perfectly capable of taking care of my children.
Head! Oh! She's fine, she's fine.
She's just a little clumsy.
Oh, poor Gracie, feeling a little left out today because Ruby's getting all the attention? Oh, don't worry, your birthday is in, like, what, seven months? Seven! Wow, that must be like a lifetime to you.
No great comeback, princess? I didn't think so.
You put a cupcake on my chair, didn't you? That's right, princess.
Did I hurt you? I'm so sorry.
Hey, aren't you supposed to be in bed? Yes.
What are you doing down here? Are you checking on me? No, honey, I always like to take a walk right after I throw up.
Honey! What? You didn't even write the girls' names on the goodie bags.
No, they're all Britney or Ashley, what difference does it make? You can't just wing it.
You know, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
Oh, great.
Why don't you shave your head and chant that at the airport.
Oh! Ta-da! Do I know how to make a cake for a princess, or what? Oh, Dana, it's beautiful, and honey, thank you for dressing up, the girls are gonna love that costume.
Yeah.
Well, I figure if you're gonna be a spinster aunt, you might as well be a good one.
Hey, finally got some good use out of that bridesmaid gown, huh? All right, I brought you magazines, tissues and cold medicine.
Hey, did you get me mouthwash? Oh, maybe not enough.
So, party man, anything in Cheryl's book I can help with? Yeah, you can throw it out.
I don't know if that's a good idea.
Last time you threw out Cheryl's instructions, we accidentally drove to Canada.
We had a fun time.
We saw a moose.
Oh.
I'll go get that.
Now, listen, it's not that big of a deal.
Come on, it's a two-hour kiddy party.
We put in a videotape, we feed them some pizza, pump them full of sugar and let them go.
Hi, Jim.
Well, hello, Sandy.
Hey.
Hi.
So are you ready for nine little girls? Oh, well, I think I can handle them.
Oh.
Oh, for me? You shouldn't have.
No.
No, those are for Oh! I got you.
Oh, God, you rascal, you.
Yeah.
You know, I have to tell you, you are a great dad.
My husband would never stick around for a slumber party.
Ah Slumber party? Yeah.
Yeah.
You mean, as in Slumber party, stay all night? Well, with these kids, it's more like stay up all night.
But All right, all right, I'm gone, I'm out of here.
I'll pick you up tomorrow after breakfast.
Have fun, girls! What are we gonna do? I got an idea.
I got an idea.
Hey, girls! Girls! Bedtime! "And then J.
Lo showed up at the Versace party with Ben Affleck on one arm "and a Cartier bracelet on the other.
"The benefit was to raise money for the survivors of" Blah, blah, blah.
The end.
Well, I'm gonna go put the finishing touches on the cake.
I wish I was J.
Lo.
Oh! You are, honey.
You're just living in Illinois with no talent and a fat husband.
Cheryl.
Cheryl! How could you not tell me this was a slumber party? I did.
When? When I looked you right in the eye and I said, "Jim, Ruby's having a slumber party.
" Did you tell me to focus? Yes.
Did you give me a treat? No.
Well, there you go! Cheryl Whatever, Jim.
Look, you know, Jim, come on, honey, just admit you're in over your head.
Honey, there's no shame in not being able to handle a room full of little girls.
Just go downstairs and call the moms and tell them to pick up their kids.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you'd love that, wouldn't you? What? This part of your plan, isn't it? What plan? Your plan, you win, I lose.
Oh, honey, that's not a plan, that's a fact of life.
Uh-huh.
And that's very funny, Cheryl.
Almost as funny as the little thing coming out of your nose.
Oh, damn! You know what, I'm gonna do whatever it takes.
By hell or high water, by hook or crook, and as God as my witness, this is gonna be the best birthday party Gracie has ever had.
It's Ruby's birthday.
You just can't let go, can you? Is this your card? No.
Yes, it is.
My card was a hundred.
There's no "a hundred" in the deck.
Oh, Jim, hey, help me, please.
What? I got two things, card tricks and impressions, and they don't strike me as a big Nixon crowd.
Daddy, when does my party start? Real soon, honey.
Real, real soon.
Hey, girls, look who's here! Ex-President Richard Nixon.
Would anyone like a glass of Watergate? You smell like the hamper.
Okay, Dana, let's go, cake time.
No, no, no, no, no, you don't start with the cake, you build to the cake.
Did the pizzas come yet? No.
Then we build to the pizzas.
Uh, uh, uh, Jim.
I have put my heart and soul into this cake.
I was working on it at 5:00 this morning and we don't serve it until I say we serve it.
Stop acting like a princess.
I am so not acting like a princess! Oh, my, God.
You butcher! What are you My cake! Just lighting the candle.
This is not your cake, by the way.
Oh, my God, look! My cake's on fire! All right, hold on, hold on, hold on, I got it.
Here.
Here.
Here, here, here! Cake's still good.
You ass! There are children here.
Watch your mouth! We do this by placing three-quarter-inch plywood over the existing studs, then covering it all with drywall.
Can you say drywall? You don't have a girlfriend, do you? Where's Dana? Where's the cake? There was some unpleasantness.
Okay, good to know.
I'm gonna get Cheryl.
Nope.
No.
We don't need Cheryl, we're fine.
We only got, like, 14 hours.
Fourteen hours? That must feel like a lifetime to you.
Okay, girls.
What do you wanna do now? We wanna make fairy-dust necklaces.
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
So, uh, what next? Tell us a story.
A story! What a great idea.
Yeah.
Hey.
Why don't you girls grab your sleeping bags, lie down in them in case you fall asleep.
But it's only 6:00.
What's your name? Ashley.
Ashley.
Adorable.
Common but adorable.
That is the cutest watch.
May I, sweetie? Aw! Hello Kitty.
Goodbye, Kitty.
Hey! Hay is for horses.
Okay, uh So what kind of story would you girls like to hear? A princess story.
Ooh! No, a rainbow story.
Ooh! A story about a pony named Twinkle.
Okay, I hear, "Scary story.
" Andy, you turn off the lights.
Here we go.
Once upon a time, there was this crazy guy and he had six fingers on his feet.
What's his name? It doesn't matter.
Is it Twinkle? No! Get off it! Anyway, they called him Old Finger Foots, yeah.
And he lived in a graveyard right where we built this house.
And he used to ride around on a skeleton horse.
Was his name Twinkle? No! What happened was, he was really thirsty one night.
Twenty years ago, this very night.
And he wanted some blood and popcorn and Cheetos and stuff.
And so he crept up the driveway with his six-fingered feet, and he looked in the window and a sharp windmill blade ripped off his head! My head! My head! So, remember, 9-1-1 is for real emergencies, not ghost stories, okay? All right, who dialed 9-1-1? Joe.
Joe, who? Joe mama! Are you out of your mind telling them ghost stories? Can you do me a favor? Can you just tell these little girls that if they don't go to sleep you're gonna put them in jail? Doesn't work, I tried it on my kids.
Daddy, Ruby's under the sink.
Thank you, honey.
Okay, entertain them.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
With what? I'm out of material.
Show them your webbed toe.
I usually charge for that.
Just do it! Hey, anybody in there? Come on, Ruby, what's going on? This is the worst party ever.
It is not.
It's a great party.
Everybody's having fun.
Are you? Well, yeah, I mean No.
I wish Mommy wasn't sick.
Oh.
Me, too.
You think this is a bad party? When I was seven I didn't even get a birthday party.
Why? I don't know.
That's ancient history.
Hey Oh, baby! I know why we're not having fun.
Because the real fun isn't supposed to start until the actual time that you were born.
Which was 6:48.
And what time is it now? Don't they teach you anything at that school? It's 6:48! So now the party can begin.
Hey.
Hey, baby, how are you feeling? Oh, better.
Who wrote "Poo" on Andy's forehead? Joe.
Joe, who? Joe mama.
I guess you had to be there.
Well, honey, the house is still standing, nobody's missing.
Looks like the party went okay.
The party went better than okay.
Oh, honey.
Every first grader is gonna be talking about it at the drinking fountain Monday morning.
The party couldn't have been more perfect.
Actually, better than perfect.
What's a better word than perfect? Oh, right, "me.
" Okay, honey, I was wrong and you were right, my way is not the only way.
Oh, that goes down so smooth.
All right, come on, you go upstairs and I'll fix you something to eat.
Okay, sweetie.
Hey, did you save me any cake? Cake? Oh, Cheryl, come on, I lit the thing on fire and hosed it.
Jim! Okay, girls, breakfast! Hey, honey, thank you.
You made Ruby's day.
Just doing my job, ma'am.
And by the way, you are never allowed to get sick ever, ever, again on anybody's birthday.
Okay.
Except for yours because that's "your day.
" Okay, girls, come on, breakfast! Let's go! There you go.
Thanks, Daddy, you're the best.
Oh, Happy Birthday, baby.
Hey, what's for breakfast? Everybody loves the Andy-man.
It's a gift, Jim.
Ashley Mmm, mmm, mmm! Okay, birthday girl gets to eat first.
Sweetie, come here, honey.
We have to talk about your birthday.
Do you want the Little Mermaid, Cinderella, or Snow White? I want a clown.
Are you sure, honey? 'Cause once you get a clown you're stuck with him.
Did I not say that at your bridal shower? Then can I have Prince Charming? Oh, Ruby.
Oh! Prince Charming doesn't just show up at your door.
You have to go out and search for him.
You have to go to bars, join a gym Dana All right, Ruby, come on, let's go make tiaras.
Now, the first thing to look for in a prince is no wedding ring.
Hello.
Hi, Daddy.
Hi, girls.
Honey, thank you.
Here you go.
Hey, did you get the plates for Ruby's party? I sure did.
What do these look like? Jim, how could you get NASCAR plates? Jim, NASCAR plates don't go with Disney Princess cups.
Now it's all a mish-mash, there's no theme.
Well, can't "no theme" be the theme? Okay, what's all this? Well, those are the munchies you asked me to pick up.
Jim, I said scrunchies.
I wanted them to go in the goodie bags.
As usual, nothing gets done right unless I do it.
Hey, just because it wasn't done your way doesn't mean it was wrong.
Yeah, Jim, it kind of does.
What's a scrunchie? It's a cloth-covered hair ornament with gentle elastic designed to aid in the twist and loop of a ponytail.
Duh! Well, here's a stumper for you, what are testicles? Oh, baby! Cheryl, hey! Wake up! What, are you still sleeping? You don't look so good.
Put some make-up on.
Cheryl, come on, you're not even trying anymore.
Jim! I'm sick.
What? My throat hurts, I've got a temperature.
Oh, honey, I can't be sick today, it's Ruby's birthday.
You are burning up, let me get you a couple of aspirins.
Oh, thank you, honey.
Oh, I can't believe I'm gonna have to cancel her party.
Yeah, now don't you feel silly about making such a big deal out of the NASCAR plates? Mommy, am I seven now? Oh, yes, you are, my big birthday girl.
How many hours till my party starts? Oh, sweetie, don't sit too close to Mommy, okay? I'm sick.
Um Honey I am really sorry, but I don't think I can do your party today.
No, you have to.
Oh, honey, I wish I could.
I just don't want to get all the other kids sick.
Can't Daddy do it? That is so cute.
What's cute? She thinks you can do the party without me.
No.
Honey, that's not Daddy's thing.
Whoa, not my thing? Cheryl, flossing may not be my thing.
Judging Amy may not be my thing.
Flushing a toilet may not be my thing.
But throwing a little party for my daughter, Cheryl, that's my thing.
Jim, Jim, I'm serious, you know, it's a lot of work to There's a whole list of things that goes into throwing a party like this.
What's this? It's my party book.
Scared? I'm not scared of books, I just prefer movies.
Come on, I can do it.
Ruby, I, your father, will take care of everything.
And this may surprise your mother, but I'm perfectly capable of taking care of my children.
Head! Oh! She's fine, she's fine.
She's just a little clumsy.
Oh, poor Gracie, feeling a little left out today because Ruby's getting all the attention? Oh, don't worry, your birthday is in, like, what, seven months? Seven! Wow, that must be like a lifetime to you.
No great comeback, princess? I didn't think so.
You put a cupcake on my chair, didn't you? That's right, princess.
Did I hurt you? I'm so sorry.
Hey, aren't you supposed to be in bed? Yes.
What are you doing down here? Are you checking on me? No, honey, I always like to take a walk right after I throw up.
Honey! What? You didn't even write the girls' names on the goodie bags.
No, they're all Britney or Ashley, what difference does it make? You can't just wing it.
You know, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
Oh, great.
Why don't you shave your head and chant that at the airport.
Oh! Ta-da! Do I know how to make a cake for a princess, or what? Oh, Dana, it's beautiful, and honey, thank you for dressing up, the girls are gonna love that costume.
Yeah.
Well, I figure if you're gonna be a spinster aunt, you might as well be a good one.
Hey, finally got some good use out of that bridesmaid gown, huh? All right, I brought you magazines, tissues and cold medicine.
Hey, did you get me mouthwash? Oh, maybe not enough.
So, party man, anything in Cheryl's book I can help with? Yeah, you can throw it out.
I don't know if that's a good idea.
Last time you threw out Cheryl's instructions, we accidentally drove to Canada.
We had a fun time.
We saw a moose.
Oh.
I'll go get that.
Now, listen, it's not that big of a deal.
Come on, it's a two-hour kiddy party.
We put in a videotape, we feed them some pizza, pump them full of sugar and let them go.
Hi, Jim.
Well, hello, Sandy.
Hey.
Hi.
So are you ready for nine little girls? Oh, well, I think I can handle them.
Oh.
Oh, for me? You shouldn't have.
No.
No, those are for Oh! I got you.
Oh, God, you rascal, you.
Yeah.
You know, I have to tell you, you are a great dad.
My husband would never stick around for a slumber party.
Ah Slumber party? Yeah.
Yeah.
You mean, as in Slumber party, stay all night? Well, with these kids, it's more like stay up all night.
But All right, all right, I'm gone, I'm out of here.
I'll pick you up tomorrow after breakfast.
Have fun, girls! What are we gonna do? I got an idea.
I got an idea.
Hey, girls! Girls! Bedtime! "And then J.
Lo showed up at the Versace party with Ben Affleck on one arm "and a Cartier bracelet on the other.
"The benefit was to raise money for the survivors of" Blah, blah, blah.
The end.
Well, I'm gonna go put the finishing touches on the cake.
I wish I was J.
Lo.
Oh! You are, honey.
You're just living in Illinois with no talent and a fat husband.
Cheryl.
Cheryl! How could you not tell me this was a slumber party? I did.
When? When I looked you right in the eye and I said, "Jim, Ruby's having a slumber party.
" Did you tell me to focus? Yes.
Did you give me a treat? No.
Well, there you go! Cheryl Whatever, Jim.
Look, you know, Jim, come on, honey, just admit you're in over your head.
Honey, there's no shame in not being able to handle a room full of little girls.
Just go downstairs and call the moms and tell them to pick up their kids.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you'd love that, wouldn't you? What? This part of your plan, isn't it? What plan? Your plan, you win, I lose.
Oh, honey, that's not a plan, that's a fact of life.
Uh-huh.
And that's very funny, Cheryl.
Almost as funny as the little thing coming out of your nose.
Oh, damn! You know what, I'm gonna do whatever it takes.
By hell or high water, by hook or crook, and as God as my witness, this is gonna be the best birthday party Gracie has ever had.
It's Ruby's birthday.
You just can't let go, can you? Is this your card? No.
Yes, it is.
My card was a hundred.
There's no "a hundred" in the deck.
Oh, Jim, hey, help me, please.
What? I got two things, card tricks and impressions, and they don't strike me as a big Nixon crowd.
Daddy, when does my party start? Real soon, honey.
Real, real soon.
Hey, girls, look who's here! Ex-President Richard Nixon.
Would anyone like a glass of Watergate? You smell like the hamper.
Okay, Dana, let's go, cake time.
No, no, no, no, no, you don't start with the cake, you build to the cake.
Did the pizzas come yet? No.
Then we build to the pizzas.
Uh, uh, uh, Jim.
I have put my heart and soul into this cake.
I was working on it at 5:00 this morning and we don't serve it until I say we serve it.
Stop acting like a princess.
I am so not acting like a princess! Oh, my, God.
You butcher! What are you My cake! Just lighting the candle.
This is not your cake, by the way.
Oh, my God, look! My cake's on fire! All right, hold on, hold on, hold on, I got it.
Here.
Here.
Here, here, here! Cake's still good.
You ass! There are children here.
Watch your mouth! We do this by placing three-quarter-inch plywood over the existing studs, then covering it all with drywall.
Can you say drywall? You don't have a girlfriend, do you? Where's Dana? Where's the cake? There was some unpleasantness.
Okay, good to know.
I'm gonna get Cheryl.
Nope.
No.
We don't need Cheryl, we're fine.
We only got, like, 14 hours.
Fourteen hours? That must feel like a lifetime to you.
Okay, girls.
What do you wanna do now? We wanna make fairy-dust necklaces.
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
So, uh, what next? Tell us a story.
A story! What a great idea.
Yeah.
Hey.
Why don't you girls grab your sleeping bags, lie down in them in case you fall asleep.
But it's only 6:00.
What's your name? Ashley.
Ashley.
Adorable.
Common but adorable.
That is the cutest watch.
May I, sweetie? Aw! Hello Kitty.
Goodbye, Kitty.
Hey! Hay is for horses.
Okay, uh So what kind of story would you girls like to hear? A princess story.
Ooh! No, a rainbow story.
Ooh! A story about a pony named Twinkle.
Okay, I hear, "Scary story.
" Andy, you turn off the lights.
Here we go.
Once upon a time, there was this crazy guy and he had six fingers on his feet.
What's his name? It doesn't matter.
Is it Twinkle? No! Get off it! Anyway, they called him Old Finger Foots, yeah.
And he lived in a graveyard right where we built this house.
And he used to ride around on a skeleton horse.
Was his name Twinkle? No! What happened was, he was really thirsty one night.
Twenty years ago, this very night.
And he wanted some blood and popcorn and Cheetos and stuff.
And so he crept up the driveway with his six-fingered feet, and he looked in the window and a sharp windmill blade ripped off his head! My head! My head! So, remember, 9-1-1 is for real emergencies, not ghost stories, okay? All right, who dialed 9-1-1? Joe.
Joe, who? Joe mama! Are you out of your mind telling them ghost stories? Can you do me a favor? Can you just tell these little girls that if they don't go to sleep you're gonna put them in jail? Doesn't work, I tried it on my kids.
Daddy, Ruby's under the sink.
Thank you, honey.
Okay, entertain them.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
With what? I'm out of material.
Show them your webbed toe.
I usually charge for that.
Just do it! Hey, anybody in there? Come on, Ruby, what's going on? This is the worst party ever.
It is not.
It's a great party.
Everybody's having fun.
Are you? Well, yeah, I mean No.
I wish Mommy wasn't sick.
Oh.
Me, too.
You think this is a bad party? When I was seven I didn't even get a birthday party.
Why? I don't know.
That's ancient history.
Hey Oh, baby! I know why we're not having fun.
Because the real fun isn't supposed to start until the actual time that you were born.
Which was 6:48.
And what time is it now? Don't they teach you anything at that school? It's 6:48! So now the party can begin.
Hey.
Hey, baby, how are you feeling? Oh, better.
Who wrote "Poo" on Andy's forehead? Joe.
Joe, who? Joe mama.
I guess you had to be there.
Well, honey, the house is still standing, nobody's missing.
Looks like the party went okay.
The party went better than okay.
Oh, honey.
Every first grader is gonna be talking about it at the drinking fountain Monday morning.
The party couldn't have been more perfect.
Actually, better than perfect.
What's a better word than perfect? Oh, right, "me.
" Okay, honey, I was wrong and you were right, my way is not the only way.
Oh, that goes down so smooth.
All right, come on, you go upstairs and I'll fix you something to eat.
Okay, sweetie.
Hey, did you save me any cake? Cake? Oh, Cheryl, come on, I lit the thing on fire and hosed it.
Jim! Okay, girls, breakfast! Hey, honey, thank you.
You made Ruby's day.
Just doing my job, ma'am.
And by the way, you are never allowed to get sick ever, ever, again on anybody's birthday.
Okay.
Except for yours because that's "your day.
" Okay, girls, come on, breakfast! Let's go! There you go.
Thanks, Daddy, you're the best.
Oh, Happy Birthday, baby.
Hey, what's for breakfast? Everybody loves the Andy-man.
It's a gift, Jim.
Ashley Mmm, mmm, mmm! Okay, birthday girl gets to eat first.