All In The Family s02e16 Episode Script
Archie and the FBI
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days yo tengo un escritorio.
Yo tengo un escritorio.
I have a desk.
Right.
Yo tengo un libro.
Yo tengo un libro.
I have a book.
Good, Michael.
Yo tengo un cuarto.
Yo tengo un cuarto.
I have a room.
You got a cuarto for which you don't pay no "rento.
" What are youse learning yourselves Spanish for? Ain't English good enough for youse? Fine, arch.
When do you want to start learning that? Dry up, huh? [ Doorbell rings .]
Didn't you hear the "bello" go "Ringo"? Good evening.
May I-- no.
[ Doorbell ringing .]
Listen, Sonny boy, if you're working yourself through school, work the other side of the street, 'cause we've no use for magazines here.
I'm not selling magazines.
I'm an investigator for the United States government.
You? The government? Right.
Name's Bradford.
You Mr.
bunker? Oh, yeah, sir.
Uh-- right.
May I come in? Yeah, sure.
Come on in, Mr.
Bradford.
Certainly.
Step right in the house.
Listen, I'm sorry for calling you "Sonny boy" over there, but you look so young and all, that-- right.
I get that a lot.
Oh, you do, huh? Well-- oh, anyway, this is my son-in-law By marriage, Michael stivic.
There's my daughter, Gloria.
This is Mr.
Bradford, an investigator for the United States government.
How are you? [ Gloria .]
Hello, Mr.
Bradford.
Sit down, Mr.
Bradford.
Take that chair.
That's the best one in the house.
Tell us what we can do for you.
I'd appreciate it if I could ask you a few questions.
Certainly.
Ask anything you'd like.
I believe you know a Mr.
Larry grundy.
Larry grundy.
I-- wait a minute.
Why? You work together in the same plant.
He lives just across the street.
Larry grundy from across the street.
We bump into each other now and then.
Daddy, you're making Mr.
grundy sound like a stranger, and you've known him for at least 15 years.
I thought he was one of your best friends.
Will youse two-- huh? Is he? One of your best friends.
Well, I got a lot of best friends, Mr.
Bradford.
Some of them I don't hardly even know.
Is Larry grundy in some kind of, you know, trouble? Not at all.
This is just a routine investigation.
Well, that's good.
Now, would you say Mr.
grundy is a man of good character? Hey, wait a second, arch.
You don't have to answer that question.
This man can't walk in here, flash a badge and start prying into people's characters.
Dummy up, will ya? This is the government.
The government can do whatever it wants.
Don't you know that? He's violating the bill of rights.
It's against the constitution.
Don't be bothering the U.
S.
government with the constitution.
Why? You afraid the government might read it? They don't even know the war's unconstitutional.
Don't write that down, Mr.
Bradford.
Anyway, he's talking about another war, an old war.
You know, 1812.
The one between the states.
Archie, this guy can't just walk in here-- will you and Gloria just go and finish what you was doing upstairs? We weren't doing anything upstairs.
Then go on upstairs and start something! No, no, I mean, just-just sit there and study your book.
Hello, everybody.
I'm back.
Oh! Hiya, Edith.
Hey, Edith, we got a visitor over here.
Come here.
Mr.
Bradford, I'd like to introduce you to my wife.
This is Mrs.
Edith bunker.
Edith, this is Mr.
Bradford, an investigator for the federal government.
Oh, how do you do, Mr.
Bradford? Hello there.
Sit down, Mr.
Bradford.
You don't have to stand up for Edith.
Archie, they was having a sale at Macy's, and I got you fruit of the loom underwear for half price.
Not now, Edith.
Not now.
They call 'em irregulars, but I couldn't find nothin' irregular about 'em.
Can it wait till later? It's just that some of them have little red hearts.
She's a little bit on the dingbat side.
Edith, Mr.
Bradford don't want to investigate nobody's underwear.
He's investigating a neighbor of ours, Larry grundy.
Oh, I knew this was gonna happen.
What? He left his garbage cans out all week.
Edith, that ain't it.
Well, that's how it piles up if you don't keep after it.
Would you stifle yourself and scram out of here! Now, uh, Mr.
Bradford, what did you want to know about Larry grundy? Right.
You ever notice the sort of newspapers and books he reads? Careful, arch.
If he reads, it's probably a mark against him.
Will you button your face! Hey, Edith, the last time you and me was over by grundy's, did you notice what kind of books he's got on his shelves? I don't remember no shelves.
There you are.
No shelves, no books.
I think he's okay.
[ Doorbell buzzes .]
That's the back door.
I'll get it.
Right.
Do you know if Mr.
grundy belongs to any organizations? Oh, well, let's see.
Well, there's the bowling team, there.
Then there's the American legion, the knights of Columbus.
But don't hold that last one against him, you see.
'Cause, I mean, he's one of your good catholics.
He don't bother with it.
Archie, can I see you for a minute? Edith, please.
I'm working with Mr.
Bradford.
It's important.
Mr.
Bradford, excuse me just a minute, huh? What is it? It's Larry grundy.
He's in the kitchen.
Shh! Uh, a little emergency in the kitchen, there, Mr.
Bradford.
Right.
Larry, what are you doing here? You got a guy in there asking questions about me-- a g-man.
You're telling me.
Level with me, Archie.
Why is he investigating me? Larry, don't you know why? No.
I ain't done nothing.
He's talking to everybody in the neighborhood-- the Spencers, the gutmans.
Who knows what they're saying about me.
What did you say about me? I just said what you was a member of, Larry.
The bowling team, the legion, the knights of Columbus.
That's all.
There's nothing wrong with them.
Yeah, yeah, unless you joined something I don't know nothing about.
No! Shh! The guy is right in there.
I'm going to talk to that guy myself.
Whoa! Hold it.
Get back here.
Bad move, Larry, because I don't think you and me should be seen together.
Wait.
You're turning on me? No, no, Larry.
You're not forgetting best buddies? Never, never.
All those times fishing together On schroon lake and sheepshead bay on my Uncle's boat.
Remember? Hold it.
Hold it, Larry.
What? Your Uncle.
How much do you really know about your Uncle? Archie! He went to Europe one year.
You are turning on me! No, no, I ain't, Larry.
Best buddies, still and always.
You say you don't know what the investigation's about, I buy that.
You say you ain't got nothing to hide, I buy that.
But, Larry, see, I ain't the guy you got to sell.
Now, this investigator's gonna be wondering why I'm in here so long.
So I tell you what you'd better do.
You go on home, see, and take it easy.
I mean, you know, lay low.
And don't call me up, Larry.
I'll get in touch with you.
But Archie-- best buddies, Larry.
Don't worry.
I ain't gonna say nothing bad about you.
Oh, yeah, and thanks, arch.
Thanks.
Oh, and Larry, uh, you better get a lawyer.
Here I am back now.
Edith, get out of the chair.
Oh, yeah.
So where was we, Mr.
Bradford? Right.
Now, as to his use of intoxicants, how would you describe Mr.
grundy's drinking habits? He seldom buys.
But I tell you, Mr.
Bradford, like I said before, we only bump into each other now and then.
There ain't no real-- what do you call-- connection between us.
Right.
Thank you very much, Mr.
bunker.
You've been most helpful.
Not at all, Mr.
Bradford.
I'm always pleased to serve my government like any loyal American.
Hold it just a minute, huh? Level with me.
Is, uh-- is grundy in trouble? Not at all.
Grundy is in trouble.
Archie, that man just said he wasn't.
That man is from the f.
B.
I.
, ain't he? He didn't say he was from the f.
B.
I.
He's a government investigator.
Efrem zimbalist always comes right out and says, "I'm from the federal bureau of investigation.
" That's when they're gonna shoot somebody, Edith.
When they're conducting an investigation, they don't bother with that stuff.
Oh, no, no, no.
No.
Larry grundy is in a jam.
Daddy, just because they're asking questions doesn't mean he did anything.
- [ Phone ringing .]
- Hold it.
Hold it.
Don't answer the phone.
I'll get that.
That might be the government again.
Hello? Oh, mcnab.
What do you want? Mcnab, what are you whispering about, anyway? You've got an investigator over there? One of them just left here.
Hey, listen, Jimmy, just between you and I, why are they asking questions about Larry grundy? They're asking questions about me? What the hell for? Jimmy, I ain't done nothin'! Listen, I'm gonna come right over there-- what? What do you mean, "maybe we oughtn't to be seen together"? Hey, listen, mcnab.
I-- hey, Jim-- Jim! This creep hung up on me.
What is it, Archie? They're investigating me, Edith.
What for? I don't know what for.
Mcnab says there's an investigator at his house asking questions about me.
That's crazy.
First Mr.
grundy and now you? Grundy.
That's it.
He's up to his neck in something.
- They know I'm his best buddy.
They think I'm in it with him.
- In what? Whatever it is he's in, meathead! How the hell do I know? Daddy, I think you're getting uptight over nothing.
What do you mean, "nothing"? You call that nothing? Investigators going around the neighborhood asking neighbors about you.
You should have heard mcnab on the phone there.
Nervous.
That dumb Mick, he's so scared, he'll tell them anything.
Wait till they get to old man bellini.
Oh, bellini.
Why did I have to call that dago a dago? Archie, how can your friends hurt you? By spilling everything they know.
But there ain't nothing to spill.
You ain't done nothing.
It's only my word against the f.
B.
I.
'S.
So? The f.
B.
I.
Can't do nothing to you.
How do you know that? 'Cause you're innocent.
But of what, Edith? Of what? Archie, aren't you gonna eat your dinner? I ain't got no appetite.
Forget about dinner.
Can I have your portion, arch? You know, I think you'd eat through a tidal wave.
Lionel said he was coming over here.
What's keeping him? He said he'd run over as soon as the investigator left his house.
Oh, geez.
If that ain't mortifying.
The government checking me out with the coloreds.
I don't know what you're so worried about, arch.
Investigation has become the new American way of life.
Everybody's doing it-- the army, the Navy, the senate.
Banks and businesses-- every little credit bureau investigates.
Hire a hall, will ya? This ain't no little credit bureau of investigation.
This is the federal bureau of investigation.
Are they still out there? Sure they are, Edith.
Look out there.
I don't see nobody.
Of course you don't, Edith.
Them f.
B.
I.
Guys are experts at keeping themselves hid.
Then how do you know they're watching? Edith, when they ain't watching, you can see 'em, and when you can't see 'em, they're watching.
- You see? - Oh.
Them f.
B.
I.
Guys are damn tricky.
You don't really believe the f.
B.
I.
Has you under constant surveillance, do you? Sure he does, Gloria.
Why else would he put the flag out front at 8:00 at night? Because I love the flag.
Sure you do, arch.
It's useful too.
That way you can spot the f.
B.
I.
Guys When they come out of the bushes to salute.
You better keep filling your face.
You're eating for two, you know.
Edith, you see that empty house next to rizzo's there? Yeah.
You see the open window? Was that window open yesterday? Archie, I don't know what you're talking about.
Edith, they put guys into houses like that To watch 24 hours a day through high-powered "spectaculars.
" Hey, that's right, arch.
Yeah.
I hear they've got listening devices too.
Be very careful what you say.
They've probably got the house bugged.
They could have the-- no! What are you talking about? They couldn't do that without nobody knowing! What do you say a stupid thing like that for anyhow? Letting your imagination go crazy, talking about bugs.
There ain't no such thing around.
Did you lose something, Archie? - I didn't lose nothing, Edith! - No, he's just looking for bugs.
Bugs? There ain't no bugs in this house.
I spread the roach paste around last week.
Why are you torturing me? No, ma, I'm talking about microphones.
The f.
B.
I.
Can plant those things anyplace.
Keep your voice down.
Let's not get nobody sore at us, huh? Oh, I think it's too late for that, arch.
If Bradford planted a bug, they've heard everything you've said since then.
I ain't said nothin' since then.
Well, I don't know.
You said the f.
B.
I.
'S tricky.
That could be very damaging.
Shh! I ain't never been nothing but a patriotic citizen as long as I've been alive.
[ Loudly .]
I've been a number one loyal fan of j.
Edgar hoover, the greatest commie catcher of them all, and remember where youse all heard that.
From Archie bunker, veteran of the big war.
Why was you talking into the camel, Archie? Keep your voice down.
[ Whispering .]
Why was you talking into the camel? [ Yelling .]
Keep your voice down! Geez-- they can plant microphones anywhere.
They got microphones as small as an olive or a raisin.
Hey, arch! Look at this! Huh? That looks like a button.
It is.
I just tore it off my sleeve.
Are you trying to make a monkey out of me? You're doing it to yourself, acting scared and guilty, worrying about microphones.
The f.
B.
I.
Is investigating your father.
The bell.
[ Doorbell ringing .]
That's the door.
Edith, wait a minute.
It might be another one of them g-men, see? So don't say anything until you're sure who it is.
These guys can disguise themselves as anything.
Go ahead.
I'll be up here.
All right.
Hi, Mrs.
bunker.
Oh, it's Lionel.
I think.
Get over here.
What took you so long? What happened, Lionel? This agent came to our house and said he had to question your close friends.
Close friends? Who'd he talk to over at your house? The whole family.
We's close friends, ain't we? I know that, Lionel, but tell me what the man said, huh? Well, he asked if you were a loyal American, if you took more than a social drink, do you read much, did we ever hear you discuss politics-- yeah, yeah.
Lionel, what did you say? Oh, let me see.
Yes, no, no, yes, maybe sometimes-- hold it! Lionel, I can't follow that! Tell me what was asked and what youse answered.
There was nothing to it, really.
We know what you are, and we told him.
Lionel, just give me a "for instance" on that, huh? Well, we said you were 100 percent behind the constitution.
Which I am.
One hundred percent behind civil rights.
Which I-- hold it.
Well, you are for civil rights, aren't you? Lionel, that depends.
I mean, it depends on what the man said When you told him I said that.
What did he say? Oh, he said, "right.
" Then, you mean, the f.
B.
I.
Thinks I'm for the coloreds? It don't matter if you are or not.
We said you was.
And when we say something nowadays, they listen.
Bye, Mr.
bunker.
[ Mike .]
Bye, Lionel.
Wasn't that sweet of the jeffersons, giving you a nice recommendation? The f.
B.
I.
Better think it's nice, or I'll be wearing my fruit of the loom drawers in leavenworth.
Anyone-- anyone home besides family? Larry, did anybody see you coming in here? No, I snuck in the back way.
What is this with the uniform? I got bugle practice tonight over at the legion hall.
What are you trying to prove? Since when do you have to wear a uniform to bugle practice? Since you started flying your flag at night.
You ain't kidding nobody, 'cause I know there was a g-man at mcnab's today Investigating you.
Investigating me because I was best buddies with you.
"Was" is right.
"Was" is what I said.
Hey, come on, you guys.
You're letting this thing snowball.
This fear and suspicion's crazy.
He's the one that's crazy.
He's calling me un-American.
The f.
B.
I.
Done that.
It ain't my fault if you're a subversive.
Me? A two-time commander Of American legion post 3201 a subversive? Benedict Arnold was an admiral, and he was as subversive as a termite.
Listen, you.
I fought for my country.
Purple heart-- wounded in action.
Wounded in action? You was wounded trying to open a beer can in the px.
It was during the war, wasn't it? Listen, I got war decorations, too, and real ones.
You want me to get your "good conduct" medal? Will you stay out of this? I want to tell you something else.
I don't have to dress up In no uniform like a tin soldier to prove that I'm American.
You-- you're attacking the American legion! No, I ain't, buddy.
I'm attacking you.
I should have known there was something a little funny about you The night you come into kelcy's bar with that weird old pal of yours.
- Who are you talking about? - I'm talking about petey.
The guy with the strawberry burl on the side of his nose.
He was always covering it up with talcum powder.
Petey, the white-nosed commie.
Pete-- petey, a commie? That's right, and you are his pal.
Listen, don't you point at me, not with what you got living in your house.
What are you talking about? This subversive radical here.
Hey, hey, hey-- you've got him living with you, and what does that make you? You longhaired freak.
Hey! Hey! You keep away from me.
I seen you walking down the street carrying peace signs out in the open.
"Peace" this and "peace" that.
"Down with war.
" All kinds of un-American slogans.
I'm sorry, commander.
I didn't know that peace was on the subversive list.
You hear that commie talk? Now, that's a dangerous subversive.
You're nuts, grundy.
The kid's stupid, but he ain't dangerous.
No, no, you can't weasel out of this.
You got a pinko subversive living under your own roof, and you're as bad as he is.
Listen.
You want to step outside? Anytime.
No, daddy! Oh, no, arch.
No, no! Keep away from me.
You step outside with me, you're gonna be the sorriest white man living.
There ain't never been a day I couldn't take you.
Oh, yeah? Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah.
You're both acting like children, and such good friends.
Don't try to hold me back.
I'm gonna have to beat the dog out of this guy.
Oh, I'm waiting, bunker.
You are, huh? You're ready, huh? Yeah! Yeah! You're ready to go, huh? Then take off that uniform! Yeah! I ain't gonna fight against the American uniform.
If I take off this uniform, you're in big trouble.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Go on! Take it off right now! Well, first I got to go to bugle practice, don't I? Listen, you'd better be on your way, or they'll be blowing "taps" for you, bugler.
- Hit the trail.
- I ain't moving an inch until I get back my fishing rods - Which I loaned you last summer.
- [ Telephone rings .]
Answer that phone.
You want back the fishing rods You loaned to me last summer, huh? Hello? Well, I'll give 'em to you.
They're right in the closet.
Here.
Take 'em.
And when you get 'em home, you know what you can do with 'em, hooks and all.
Archie, it's about the investigation.
It's Mr.
hoppy, your shop steward.
Hoppy, the shop-- hiya, Billy.
Archie here.
What's up? Huh? No kidding? Yeah, yeah, I understand, Billy.
Yeah, sure.
Thanks for calling me up.
Yeah.
Bye-bye.
What is it, Archie? That was Billy hoppy, the shop steward.
He's been calling the guys from work.
It's about this investigation.
He said it ain't the f.
B.
I.
Doing it at all.
It's the air force.
It's because of some defense contract we had down at the plant.
Defense contract? Oh, yeah.
Them little gizmos we was making That looked like a bottle cap with a tail on it.
That was for the air force? Yeah.
We finished off that contract six months ago.
Yeah, yeah.
That's what Billy reminded 'em, so The union called up the air force, and, uh, they dropped the whole thing like that.
Then all the snooping was for nothing.
- [ Both .]
Yeah.
- Well, ain't that wonderful! Then you two can stop fighting.
You can be best buddies again.
Can't you? [ Door shuts .]
Ah, well.
All that "best buddy" stuff Is all for kids, anyhow.
Hey, arch, listen to this.
We've been doing some research On some of the people investigated by the government in the last year.
Yeah, daddy, you're in good company.
Congressmen, senators, supreme court judges.
Did you hear that, Archie? How about that? Yeah.
[ Mumbles .]
Dr.
Spock, huey Newton, father berrigan, abbie Hoffman, Jerry rubin-- [ announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days yo tengo un escritorio.
Yo tengo un escritorio.
I have a desk.
Right.
Yo tengo un libro.
Yo tengo un libro.
I have a book.
Good, Michael.
Yo tengo un cuarto.
Yo tengo un cuarto.
I have a room.
You got a cuarto for which you don't pay no "rento.
" What are youse learning yourselves Spanish for? Ain't English good enough for youse? Fine, arch.
When do you want to start learning that? Dry up, huh? [ Doorbell rings .]
Didn't you hear the "bello" go "Ringo"? Good evening.
May I-- no.
[ Doorbell ringing .]
Listen, Sonny boy, if you're working yourself through school, work the other side of the street, 'cause we've no use for magazines here.
I'm not selling magazines.
I'm an investigator for the United States government.
You? The government? Right.
Name's Bradford.
You Mr.
bunker? Oh, yeah, sir.
Uh-- right.
May I come in? Yeah, sure.
Come on in, Mr.
Bradford.
Certainly.
Step right in the house.
Listen, I'm sorry for calling you "Sonny boy" over there, but you look so young and all, that-- right.
I get that a lot.
Oh, you do, huh? Well-- oh, anyway, this is my son-in-law By marriage, Michael stivic.
There's my daughter, Gloria.
This is Mr.
Bradford, an investigator for the United States government.
How are you? [ Gloria .]
Hello, Mr.
Bradford.
Sit down, Mr.
Bradford.
Take that chair.
That's the best one in the house.
Tell us what we can do for you.
I'd appreciate it if I could ask you a few questions.
Certainly.
Ask anything you'd like.
I believe you know a Mr.
Larry grundy.
Larry grundy.
I-- wait a minute.
Why? You work together in the same plant.
He lives just across the street.
Larry grundy from across the street.
We bump into each other now and then.
Daddy, you're making Mr.
grundy sound like a stranger, and you've known him for at least 15 years.
I thought he was one of your best friends.
Will youse two-- huh? Is he? One of your best friends.
Well, I got a lot of best friends, Mr.
Bradford.
Some of them I don't hardly even know.
Is Larry grundy in some kind of, you know, trouble? Not at all.
This is just a routine investigation.
Well, that's good.
Now, would you say Mr.
grundy is a man of good character? Hey, wait a second, arch.
You don't have to answer that question.
This man can't walk in here, flash a badge and start prying into people's characters.
Dummy up, will ya? This is the government.
The government can do whatever it wants.
Don't you know that? He's violating the bill of rights.
It's against the constitution.
Don't be bothering the U.
S.
government with the constitution.
Why? You afraid the government might read it? They don't even know the war's unconstitutional.
Don't write that down, Mr.
Bradford.
Anyway, he's talking about another war, an old war.
You know, 1812.
The one between the states.
Archie, this guy can't just walk in here-- will you and Gloria just go and finish what you was doing upstairs? We weren't doing anything upstairs.
Then go on upstairs and start something! No, no, I mean, just-just sit there and study your book.
Hello, everybody.
I'm back.
Oh! Hiya, Edith.
Hey, Edith, we got a visitor over here.
Come here.
Mr.
Bradford, I'd like to introduce you to my wife.
This is Mrs.
Edith bunker.
Edith, this is Mr.
Bradford, an investigator for the federal government.
Oh, how do you do, Mr.
Bradford? Hello there.
Sit down, Mr.
Bradford.
You don't have to stand up for Edith.
Archie, they was having a sale at Macy's, and I got you fruit of the loom underwear for half price.
Not now, Edith.
Not now.
They call 'em irregulars, but I couldn't find nothin' irregular about 'em.
Can it wait till later? It's just that some of them have little red hearts.
She's a little bit on the dingbat side.
Edith, Mr.
Bradford don't want to investigate nobody's underwear.
He's investigating a neighbor of ours, Larry grundy.
Oh, I knew this was gonna happen.
What? He left his garbage cans out all week.
Edith, that ain't it.
Well, that's how it piles up if you don't keep after it.
Would you stifle yourself and scram out of here! Now, uh, Mr.
Bradford, what did you want to know about Larry grundy? Right.
You ever notice the sort of newspapers and books he reads? Careful, arch.
If he reads, it's probably a mark against him.
Will you button your face! Hey, Edith, the last time you and me was over by grundy's, did you notice what kind of books he's got on his shelves? I don't remember no shelves.
There you are.
No shelves, no books.
I think he's okay.
[ Doorbell buzzes .]
That's the back door.
I'll get it.
Right.
Do you know if Mr.
grundy belongs to any organizations? Oh, well, let's see.
Well, there's the bowling team, there.
Then there's the American legion, the knights of Columbus.
But don't hold that last one against him, you see.
'Cause, I mean, he's one of your good catholics.
He don't bother with it.
Archie, can I see you for a minute? Edith, please.
I'm working with Mr.
Bradford.
It's important.
Mr.
Bradford, excuse me just a minute, huh? What is it? It's Larry grundy.
He's in the kitchen.
Shh! Uh, a little emergency in the kitchen, there, Mr.
Bradford.
Right.
Larry, what are you doing here? You got a guy in there asking questions about me-- a g-man.
You're telling me.
Level with me, Archie.
Why is he investigating me? Larry, don't you know why? No.
I ain't done nothing.
He's talking to everybody in the neighborhood-- the Spencers, the gutmans.
Who knows what they're saying about me.
What did you say about me? I just said what you was a member of, Larry.
The bowling team, the legion, the knights of Columbus.
That's all.
There's nothing wrong with them.
Yeah, yeah, unless you joined something I don't know nothing about.
No! Shh! The guy is right in there.
I'm going to talk to that guy myself.
Whoa! Hold it.
Get back here.
Bad move, Larry, because I don't think you and me should be seen together.
Wait.
You're turning on me? No, no, Larry.
You're not forgetting best buddies? Never, never.
All those times fishing together On schroon lake and sheepshead bay on my Uncle's boat.
Remember? Hold it.
Hold it, Larry.
What? Your Uncle.
How much do you really know about your Uncle? Archie! He went to Europe one year.
You are turning on me! No, no, I ain't, Larry.
Best buddies, still and always.
You say you don't know what the investigation's about, I buy that.
You say you ain't got nothing to hide, I buy that.
But, Larry, see, I ain't the guy you got to sell.
Now, this investigator's gonna be wondering why I'm in here so long.
So I tell you what you'd better do.
You go on home, see, and take it easy.
I mean, you know, lay low.
And don't call me up, Larry.
I'll get in touch with you.
But Archie-- best buddies, Larry.
Don't worry.
I ain't gonna say nothing bad about you.
Oh, yeah, and thanks, arch.
Thanks.
Oh, and Larry, uh, you better get a lawyer.
Here I am back now.
Edith, get out of the chair.
Oh, yeah.
So where was we, Mr.
Bradford? Right.
Now, as to his use of intoxicants, how would you describe Mr.
grundy's drinking habits? He seldom buys.
But I tell you, Mr.
Bradford, like I said before, we only bump into each other now and then.
There ain't no real-- what do you call-- connection between us.
Right.
Thank you very much, Mr.
bunker.
You've been most helpful.
Not at all, Mr.
Bradford.
I'm always pleased to serve my government like any loyal American.
Hold it just a minute, huh? Level with me.
Is, uh-- is grundy in trouble? Not at all.
Grundy is in trouble.
Archie, that man just said he wasn't.
That man is from the f.
B.
I.
, ain't he? He didn't say he was from the f.
B.
I.
He's a government investigator.
Efrem zimbalist always comes right out and says, "I'm from the federal bureau of investigation.
" That's when they're gonna shoot somebody, Edith.
When they're conducting an investigation, they don't bother with that stuff.
Oh, no, no, no.
No.
Larry grundy is in a jam.
Daddy, just because they're asking questions doesn't mean he did anything.
- [ Phone ringing .]
- Hold it.
Hold it.
Don't answer the phone.
I'll get that.
That might be the government again.
Hello? Oh, mcnab.
What do you want? Mcnab, what are you whispering about, anyway? You've got an investigator over there? One of them just left here.
Hey, listen, Jimmy, just between you and I, why are they asking questions about Larry grundy? They're asking questions about me? What the hell for? Jimmy, I ain't done nothin'! Listen, I'm gonna come right over there-- what? What do you mean, "maybe we oughtn't to be seen together"? Hey, listen, mcnab.
I-- hey, Jim-- Jim! This creep hung up on me.
What is it, Archie? They're investigating me, Edith.
What for? I don't know what for.
Mcnab says there's an investigator at his house asking questions about me.
That's crazy.
First Mr.
grundy and now you? Grundy.
That's it.
He's up to his neck in something.
- They know I'm his best buddy.
They think I'm in it with him.
- In what? Whatever it is he's in, meathead! How the hell do I know? Daddy, I think you're getting uptight over nothing.
What do you mean, "nothing"? You call that nothing? Investigators going around the neighborhood asking neighbors about you.
You should have heard mcnab on the phone there.
Nervous.
That dumb Mick, he's so scared, he'll tell them anything.
Wait till they get to old man bellini.
Oh, bellini.
Why did I have to call that dago a dago? Archie, how can your friends hurt you? By spilling everything they know.
But there ain't nothing to spill.
You ain't done nothing.
It's only my word against the f.
B.
I.
'S.
So? The f.
B.
I.
Can't do nothing to you.
How do you know that? 'Cause you're innocent.
But of what, Edith? Of what? Archie, aren't you gonna eat your dinner? I ain't got no appetite.
Forget about dinner.
Can I have your portion, arch? You know, I think you'd eat through a tidal wave.
Lionel said he was coming over here.
What's keeping him? He said he'd run over as soon as the investigator left his house.
Oh, geez.
If that ain't mortifying.
The government checking me out with the coloreds.
I don't know what you're so worried about, arch.
Investigation has become the new American way of life.
Everybody's doing it-- the army, the Navy, the senate.
Banks and businesses-- every little credit bureau investigates.
Hire a hall, will ya? This ain't no little credit bureau of investigation.
This is the federal bureau of investigation.
Are they still out there? Sure they are, Edith.
Look out there.
I don't see nobody.
Of course you don't, Edith.
Them f.
B.
I.
Guys are experts at keeping themselves hid.
Then how do you know they're watching? Edith, when they ain't watching, you can see 'em, and when you can't see 'em, they're watching.
- You see? - Oh.
Them f.
B.
I.
Guys are damn tricky.
You don't really believe the f.
B.
I.
Has you under constant surveillance, do you? Sure he does, Gloria.
Why else would he put the flag out front at 8:00 at night? Because I love the flag.
Sure you do, arch.
It's useful too.
That way you can spot the f.
B.
I.
Guys When they come out of the bushes to salute.
You better keep filling your face.
You're eating for two, you know.
Edith, you see that empty house next to rizzo's there? Yeah.
You see the open window? Was that window open yesterday? Archie, I don't know what you're talking about.
Edith, they put guys into houses like that To watch 24 hours a day through high-powered "spectaculars.
" Hey, that's right, arch.
Yeah.
I hear they've got listening devices too.
Be very careful what you say.
They've probably got the house bugged.
They could have the-- no! What are you talking about? They couldn't do that without nobody knowing! What do you say a stupid thing like that for anyhow? Letting your imagination go crazy, talking about bugs.
There ain't no such thing around.
Did you lose something, Archie? - I didn't lose nothing, Edith! - No, he's just looking for bugs.
Bugs? There ain't no bugs in this house.
I spread the roach paste around last week.
Why are you torturing me? No, ma, I'm talking about microphones.
The f.
B.
I.
Can plant those things anyplace.
Keep your voice down.
Let's not get nobody sore at us, huh? Oh, I think it's too late for that, arch.
If Bradford planted a bug, they've heard everything you've said since then.
I ain't said nothin' since then.
Well, I don't know.
You said the f.
B.
I.
'S tricky.
That could be very damaging.
Shh! I ain't never been nothing but a patriotic citizen as long as I've been alive.
[ Loudly .]
I've been a number one loyal fan of j.
Edgar hoover, the greatest commie catcher of them all, and remember where youse all heard that.
From Archie bunker, veteran of the big war.
Why was you talking into the camel, Archie? Keep your voice down.
[ Whispering .]
Why was you talking into the camel? [ Yelling .]
Keep your voice down! Geez-- they can plant microphones anywhere.
They got microphones as small as an olive or a raisin.
Hey, arch! Look at this! Huh? That looks like a button.
It is.
I just tore it off my sleeve.
Are you trying to make a monkey out of me? You're doing it to yourself, acting scared and guilty, worrying about microphones.
The f.
B.
I.
Is investigating your father.
The bell.
[ Doorbell ringing .]
That's the door.
Edith, wait a minute.
It might be another one of them g-men, see? So don't say anything until you're sure who it is.
These guys can disguise themselves as anything.
Go ahead.
I'll be up here.
All right.
Hi, Mrs.
bunker.
Oh, it's Lionel.
I think.
Get over here.
What took you so long? What happened, Lionel? This agent came to our house and said he had to question your close friends.
Close friends? Who'd he talk to over at your house? The whole family.
We's close friends, ain't we? I know that, Lionel, but tell me what the man said, huh? Well, he asked if you were a loyal American, if you took more than a social drink, do you read much, did we ever hear you discuss politics-- yeah, yeah.
Lionel, what did you say? Oh, let me see.
Yes, no, no, yes, maybe sometimes-- hold it! Lionel, I can't follow that! Tell me what was asked and what youse answered.
There was nothing to it, really.
We know what you are, and we told him.
Lionel, just give me a "for instance" on that, huh? Well, we said you were 100 percent behind the constitution.
Which I am.
One hundred percent behind civil rights.
Which I-- hold it.
Well, you are for civil rights, aren't you? Lionel, that depends.
I mean, it depends on what the man said When you told him I said that.
What did he say? Oh, he said, "right.
" Then, you mean, the f.
B.
I.
Thinks I'm for the coloreds? It don't matter if you are or not.
We said you was.
And when we say something nowadays, they listen.
Bye, Mr.
bunker.
[ Mike .]
Bye, Lionel.
Wasn't that sweet of the jeffersons, giving you a nice recommendation? The f.
B.
I.
Better think it's nice, or I'll be wearing my fruit of the loom drawers in leavenworth.
Anyone-- anyone home besides family? Larry, did anybody see you coming in here? No, I snuck in the back way.
What is this with the uniform? I got bugle practice tonight over at the legion hall.
What are you trying to prove? Since when do you have to wear a uniform to bugle practice? Since you started flying your flag at night.
You ain't kidding nobody, 'cause I know there was a g-man at mcnab's today Investigating you.
Investigating me because I was best buddies with you.
"Was" is right.
"Was" is what I said.
Hey, come on, you guys.
You're letting this thing snowball.
This fear and suspicion's crazy.
He's the one that's crazy.
He's calling me un-American.
The f.
B.
I.
Done that.
It ain't my fault if you're a subversive.
Me? A two-time commander Of American legion post 3201 a subversive? Benedict Arnold was an admiral, and he was as subversive as a termite.
Listen, you.
I fought for my country.
Purple heart-- wounded in action.
Wounded in action? You was wounded trying to open a beer can in the px.
It was during the war, wasn't it? Listen, I got war decorations, too, and real ones.
You want me to get your "good conduct" medal? Will you stay out of this? I want to tell you something else.
I don't have to dress up In no uniform like a tin soldier to prove that I'm American.
You-- you're attacking the American legion! No, I ain't, buddy.
I'm attacking you.
I should have known there was something a little funny about you The night you come into kelcy's bar with that weird old pal of yours.
- Who are you talking about? - I'm talking about petey.
The guy with the strawberry burl on the side of his nose.
He was always covering it up with talcum powder.
Petey, the white-nosed commie.
Pete-- petey, a commie? That's right, and you are his pal.
Listen, don't you point at me, not with what you got living in your house.
What are you talking about? This subversive radical here.
Hey, hey, hey-- you've got him living with you, and what does that make you? You longhaired freak.
Hey! Hey! You keep away from me.
I seen you walking down the street carrying peace signs out in the open.
"Peace" this and "peace" that.
"Down with war.
" All kinds of un-American slogans.
I'm sorry, commander.
I didn't know that peace was on the subversive list.
You hear that commie talk? Now, that's a dangerous subversive.
You're nuts, grundy.
The kid's stupid, but he ain't dangerous.
No, no, you can't weasel out of this.
You got a pinko subversive living under your own roof, and you're as bad as he is.
Listen.
You want to step outside? Anytime.
No, daddy! Oh, no, arch.
No, no! Keep away from me.
You step outside with me, you're gonna be the sorriest white man living.
There ain't never been a day I couldn't take you.
Oh, yeah? Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah.
You're both acting like children, and such good friends.
Don't try to hold me back.
I'm gonna have to beat the dog out of this guy.
Oh, I'm waiting, bunker.
You are, huh? You're ready, huh? Yeah! Yeah! You're ready to go, huh? Then take off that uniform! Yeah! I ain't gonna fight against the American uniform.
If I take off this uniform, you're in big trouble.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Go on! Take it off right now! Well, first I got to go to bugle practice, don't I? Listen, you'd better be on your way, or they'll be blowing "taps" for you, bugler.
- Hit the trail.
- I ain't moving an inch until I get back my fishing rods - Which I loaned you last summer.
- [ Telephone rings .]
Answer that phone.
You want back the fishing rods You loaned to me last summer, huh? Hello? Well, I'll give 'em to you.
They're right in the closet.
Here.
Take 'em.
And when you get 'em home, you know what you can do with 'em, hooks and all.
Archie, it's about the investigation.
It's Mr.
hoppy, your shop steward.
Hoppy, the shop-- hiya, Billy.
Archie here.
What's up? Huh? No kidding? Yeah, yeah, I understand, Billy.
Yeah, sure.
Thanks for calling me up.
Yeah.
Bye-bye.
What is it, Archie? That was Billy hoppy, the shop steward.
He's been calling the guys from work.
It's about this investigation.
He said it ain't the f.
B.
I.
Doing it at all.
It's the air force.
It's because of some defense contract we had down at the plant.
Defense contract? Oh, yeah.
Them little gizmos we was making That looked like a bottle cap with a tail on it.
That was for the air force? Yeah.
We finished off that contract six months ago.
Yeah, yeah.
That's what Billy reminded 'em, so The union called up the air force, and, uh, they dropped the whole thing like that.
Then all the snooping was for nothing.
- [ Both .]
Yeah.
- Well, ain't that wonderful! Then you two can stop fighting.
You can be best buddies again.
Can't you? [ Door shuts .]
Ah, well.
All that "best buddy" stuff Is all for kids, anyhow.
Hey, arch, listen to this.
We've been doing some research On some of the people investigated by the government in the last year.
Yeah, daddy, you're in good company.
Congressmen, senators, supreme court judges.
Did you hear that, Archie? How about that? Yeah.
[ Mumbles .]
Dr.
Spock, huey Newton, father berrigan, abbie Hoffman, Jerry rubin-- [ announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.