Bewitched (1964) s02e16 Episode Script

If we don't come up with something on the Kingsley potato chip account I have to bring Larry home to work tonight.
- That's all right.
- Two weeks.
Twelve hours a day, and nothing.
- Where's my case? - Here.
I don't understand it.
I've never hit a dry spell like this before.
- Well, you'll think of something.
- I sure hope so.
Well, better put a lot of coffee on just in case.
Haven't you forgotten something? Good.
"A crunchy, tasty, crackling, good experience fit for the crown heads of Europe.
" What do you think, Larry? Who cares about the crown heads of Europe? We're selling a product as American as apple pie.
"Kingsley's potato chips, as American as apple pie.
" I got it.
"Kingsley's potato chips may be new and improved but they're still a chip off the old block.
" This from the man who gave the world the Caldwell soup slogan.
Pathetic.
Larry, I've got it! I've got it.
Listen.
"Other potato chips may be like chips that pass in the night but Kingsley's potato chips make you feel like your chip just came in.
" How can you say something like that with such enthusiasm? I always get enthusiastic when I'm desperate.
I've noticed.
Whenever you leap to your feet and yell I know it's going to be a bomb.
Look, why don't we knock off and try again tonight at your house? "Knock off a bag of Kingsley's potato chips tonight at your house.
" How about that? - Yeah, how about that.
- I don't get it, Larr.
My mind just isn't functioning properly.
Relax, Darrin, you're trying too hard.
You're all tensed up.
You're right, Larry.
Even my brain feels clenched.
All you need is a few hours' rest and I'm sure that by tonight you'll be brimming over with great ideas.
Kings Tonight.
That idea of yours about the costumes and crowns, that wasn't too bad.
What was it? I'm so punchy, I can't remember.
The royal court, playing on the word "king.
" - Kingsley potato chips.
"King.
" - Any luck? - Nothing.
- Can't you remember what you said? I'm sorry, Larry.
My brain just isn't working.
Oh, Larry, he's tired.
If only he could get away for a little while, take some time off.
Maybe that would help.
And I think I have just the place.
I own a little cabin in the woods, a kind of a Catskill retreat.
- Sounds wonderful.
Black? - With sugar.
It's quiet, it's empty, it's yours.
Darrin can take tomorrow off, and you can spend three days right in the most beautiful scenery that ever took your breath away.
What's the place like, Larry? Well, it's kind of rustic.
Thanks, Sam.
I haven't had a chance to get up there in, let's see, three years.
As a matter of fact, it's up for sale now.
- Is it really quiet? - There isn't even a phone.
What do you say? No, Larry.
I can't goof off in the middle of an assignment.
You're no good to me like this.
Miserable, sleepy, grumpy.
- I get enough of that at home.
- Put it out of your mind, Larry.
There's nothing you can do or say that'll make me go.
- You're fired.
- I'll go.
Well, it's quite something, isn't it? It certainly is.
Rustic, dignified.
Did you ever see anything with so much charm? And such downright character.
Well maybe it's better inside.
Oh, my stars.
Honey, watch where you step.
You better stay there.
Well, here we are, "hovel sweet hovel.
" How could Larry do this to us? So I didn't come up with an idea.
Is that any reason to send us into penal servitude? Darrin.
- Darrin, l - No.
- Oh, well, Darrin - No, Sam.
No magic.
Look, we can't use your witchcraft every time we get into trouble.
There's something unnatural about it.
You understand, don't you? Oh, boy.
That's all we need.
Sweetheart, may I make an un-magical suggestion? - Please do.
- Let's go home.
Okay.
Wait a minute.
We better check on what the roads are like around here when it rains.
Remember, Larry said no telephone.
Honey, we'll just have to chance it.
Well, I'm game.
I mean, even if the roads are slippery and muddy they can't hold us up too long.
The chances of getting hit by lightening are, well, extremely slim.
And I suppose if the bridges are washed out, it really won't Okay.
All right.
Okay, okay.
Make me the phone.
Thank you.
Operator, I'd like a road report, please.
Can you connect me? Sam.
What was that? That was bad news.
It seems like the roads around here wash out when there's a sun shower.
Honey, I don't want to chance it, not in your condition.
Are you cold? Well, a fire would be nice.
Well Sam does it make you feel guilty to know at this moment the Boy Scouts of America are trying to do that trick with sticks and stones? Oh, so that's how they do it.
My, isn't that beautiful? It's the perfect time for a little redecorating.
Time for what? Take that silly old chair.
There.
That's better.
- Sam.
- You're right, sweetheart.
- I shouldn't be doing it this way.
- You certainly shouldn't.
- I should just do it all at once.
- That's not what I meant.
Now, Darrin, you're tired and overworked.
And you really need this little vacation.
You don't want to spend it in a dreary, dilapidated old shack, do you? Honey, I don't care about me, I'm worried about you.
Okay.
You talked me into it.
Well I guess a mother-to-be deserves some privileges.
How about a father-to-be? It's pretty hard to put anything over on you, isn't it? Then how come you do it so often? Mr.
Tate? - Yes? - How do you do? - How do you do? - We're Mr.
And Mrs.
MacBain.
- We've come in reply to your ad.
- Ad? - Concerning your cottage.
- Oh, that ad.
I almost forgot.
It's been listed so long.
We just got married, and we need a place in the country.
- Don't we, Charles? - We sure do, honey.
We're gonna be up that way tomorrow.
Is it all right if we have a look at it? Of course.
At the moment, some friends of mine are staying there.
I'm sure they wouldn't mind showing you through.
We'd appreciate it, Mr.
Tate.
From your description, it sounds like what we're looking for.
Well, to be honest with you, it might need a little work.
You don't have to sell us on it, Mr.
Tate.
For the money you're asking, we don't expect Buckingham Palace.
Well, it has great potential.
I'm sure anyone with talent could work wonders with it.
What a beautiful morning.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Sam! There's no lock on the door.
I wonder if it's all right to leave it open while we're gone.
- Would you like me to? Never mind.
Okay.
I guess I've used up my quota of witchcraft for the weekend.
For the weekend? For the whole year.
Well, Mr.
Tate was right.
It's no Buckingham Palace.
Who wants Buckingham Palace? I adore it.
- So do I.
- Come on.
- They don't seem to be home.
- Try the door.
Oh, Charles.
It's beautiful! It's just what we've been dreaming about.
You wouldn't believe it from the outside.
Oh, look at these curtains.
Nice bar.
- Oh, and the fireplace.
- Neat bar.
Have you ever seen such exquisite furniture? Would you like a drink? You get on that phone to Mr.
Tate, Charles, this minute.
You're calling from the cabin? You will? At the listed price? Don't you even want to quibble about it? He wants $1000 down, honey.
I think $1000 down would be fine, Mr.
Tate.
Then it's a deal.
I'll have the papers drawn up.
- Thank you, Mr.
Tate.
- My pleasure.
Oh, you must be Mr.
And Mrs.
Stephens.
- Welcome to our new home.
- New - What? - Home.
We just bought it, lock, stock and barrel.
Bought? Lock, stock and barrel? That's what I said.
- Didn't I, Charles? - You sure did, honey.
Sam, we can't let them.
You don't have to whisper.
They're outside, looking at the grounds.
Sam, we've gotta get out of this.
- Got to? - Got to.
We can't allow that young couple to spend their savings on this - This dump.
- Why? We'll leave it just as it is.
Honey, that's dishonest.
This isn't Larry's cabin.
This is witchcraft.
- But they'd enjoy it so much.
- Honey, turn it back.
- Well - Sam, turn it back and let's get out of here.
Okay.
Mr.
And Mrs.
Stephens? Yes? - It's too divine to be true.
- Yes, isn't it? Charles thinks he's died and gone to heaven.
Well, that's one way out.
Don't you think you're being just a trifle hasty? I mean, things aren't always what they seem.
- There are certain drawbacks.
- Such as? Well, the The cross ventilation.
It's broken.
Mrs.
Stephens, have you ever had a sinus condition? - Why, no.
L - Well, Charles has.
The doctor says it won't get better unless Charles can be where he can get plenty of fresh air.
Must it be this air? Well, the night Charles' doctor said that, I had a dream.
A little cottage in the country.
It was so beautiful, it It was so real that Well, that when I woke up, I said to Charles: "Charles, that's the one I want.
" Ever since then, we've been looking.
For months and months.
We've seen hundreds of places.
But not until we saw this one here did Did I see anything that remotely resembled the cottage of my dream.
- Come on, Charles.
- Where are you going? - Back to the city.
- You changed your mind? We're going to pack.
As soon as you're ready to leave, we're moving in.
Darrin, I can't do it.
Honey, this house is built by witchcraft.
It's the only one of its kind.
Now, you don't want poor Charles searching forever with his sinuses.
Why don't we just leave it the way it is.
What possible harm could it do? Every time you say that, I feel like taking out accident insurance.
Okay, I'll call Fred Hinkle in the morning.
- Who's Fred Hinkle? - My insurance agent.
For Mr.
And Mrs.
Charles MacBain The young couple that were here yesterday? Yes.
They telephoned from the cabin this afternoon.
Strange they went for that price so quickly.
I asked for a couple of thousand more than I expected to get.
Oh, don't write that, Ms.
Thatcher.
Write this: Please draw up the said contract as quickly as possible.
Yours very truly, et cetera, et cetera.
Type that up, and you can go, Ms.
Thatcher.
Thank you.
There's no phone in that cabin.
- Is that everything? - I think so.
What is it? - Isn't that Larry's car? - It sure is.
We can't let him see the cabin when it's not looking a mess.
Turn it back.
I can't believe it.
How could this place deteriorate so much in three years? Well, it has a lot of potential.
I can't believe you spent the night here.
Oh, it wasn't so bad.
Sam fixed it up a little.
- Fixed it up? - Yeah, it looked pretty bad before.
A mess.
But can you imagine what it would look like with a few authentic Early-American pieces? Sure.
It'd be the best-furnished dilapidated shack in the country.
Why would the MacBains want this place? Maybe they're con artists.
Do you suppose there's oil on this property? - Darrin.
- What, honey? I'll be right back.
Hi there.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Well, you see, it's still there.
- Still there? When we got home last night, I had to keep convincing myself it was real and not just some magical dream.
Alice still believes in fairy tales with happy endings.
- I'll do my best.
- I beg your pardon? Nothing.
I'm afraid you're a little early.
That's okay.
We'll just sit in the living room and drink up the atmosphere.
- I'll get it.
I still can't believe it.
Well, welcome, landowners.
- Such as it is.
- Mr.
Tate.
I hope you haven't changed your mind.
Well, no.
- Haven't you? - Why should we? It's just as beautiful as ever.
- Beautiful? - I'm just crazy about Early American.
You sure have a good eye for decorating, Mr.
Tate.
I do? There's such an air of, well, enchantment about this place.
I can't explain it.
Don't try.
Please, don't try.
Enchantment? This pile of rubble? To you, Mr.
Tate, a man in your position this may certainly seem like a pile of rubble.
But to Charles and me, it's Well, it is Buckingham Palace.
And to think, it's all ours for only $5000.
Five thousand dollars? Oh, Larry, I'm surprised at you.
Just look at this place.
- Sam! - It wasn't easy raising the money.
But here's our check for the down payment, $1000.
Five thousand dollars.
Well, we realize it's worth a lot more.
Do you, Larry? You're right, Samantha.
I can't let you have it.
- Well, why? - It's a question of sleeping.
But the bed looks extremely comfortable.
It's not your sleep I'm worried about, it's mine.
I don't understand.
We want this place.
All right.
But at my price.
And that is? - This.
- The down payment? Paid in full.
- A thousand dollars? - You son of a gun.
- I hope those kids will be happy.
- They looked happy to me.
You did a wonderful thing for them, Larry.
Well, I suppose beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
You know, you're going to think I'm crazy.
But there was a time when that terrible old cabin looked beautiful to me too.
I can't get over the look on that young couple's faces.
You know, there are times when being a witch can be very satisfying.
Well, don't get carried away.
I meant it when I said no more spells.
- I promise.
- Under any circumstances? - Well - Sam! - Under any circumstances.
- Good.
You know, it's just a matter of willpower, self-control and - What's the matter? - I don't know.
I can't understand it.
I had the car checked just before we left.
Does that little needle pointing to "E" mean anything? Yes, it means I forgot to get gas.
The last station's about six miles back.
- That's a long walk.
- It certainly is.
- It really is raining out there.
- Pouring.
- Sam.
- What? Sam, would you, you know? - Darrin! You said - I know what I said! But this is This is an emergency.
Under no circumstances, you said.
Sam, this is no time to split hairs.
- Oh, is that what I was doing? - Yes.
Honey, couldn't you make this one exception? - I promised no more spells.
- Sam.
Would half a spell do? Half a spell? Now try it.
Half a tank of gas.
Now, what were you saying about self-control? Well, nobody's perfect.
Not even me.
As I was saying, there are times when being a witch can be very satisfying.