Big Nate (2022) s02e16 Episode Script

- [chuckles]
Ahh!
[food squelching]
- So what's everybody
doing for Thanksgiving?
- My fam's gonna to do
what they always do,
buy a discounted turkey on
Friday, celebrate on Saturday.
- I'm jealous.
We eat dinner at 8:00 a.m.
[sighs]
My parents think the pilgrims
were morning people.
- We eat turkey for most meals.
Thanksgiving is just another
day for us Applewhites.
[giggles, chomps]
- Turkey,
it's for all the days.
Paid for by Eew Turkey Pieces.
- I'm headed
to NYC to see my Dad.
We usually order
Thai food and eat
in his living room
slash kitchen slash
dining room slash balcony.
- Well, the Holloways
are skipping Thanksgiving
this year to give
me time to prepare
for the Pumpkin Pageant,
where I will be playing--
- The titular role of Rock in
"The Story of Plymouth Rock."
- Rock happens to be
a nuanced character,
whom I've been refining
for months.
- She's got that down.
- Mm.
- Well, team, looks like I'm
the only one sticking to
my regular Turkey Day routine.
Ha-chaa!
- You know, Nate,
my family doesn't do holidays.
- Hm, bummer.
Good luck with that.
Yeah, anyway, Thanksgiving
at my house is the best.
- Great!
See you Thursday.
- Not good.
Me and Ruby are this
close to becoming off-ish.
- I ain't afraid
of no commitment.
- But she doesn't know
how weird my family is.
And they're even
weirder on Thanksgiving!
[turkey gobbling]
- [laughs]
[all screaming]
all: I wanna at some corn
all night
And drink corn every day
- If Ruby sees any of that,
our relationship is donezo.
- Did somebody say donezo?
[laughs, honks]
[upbeat music]
- Don't want to go
to school today
The sun is red hot
and I wanna play
But if I get caught
they'll make me pay
Detention again
- Big Nate, Big Nate
- Math and social studies
just ain't my thing
- Big Nate, Big Nate
- Rocking with my band
is where I'm king
Stealing the teacher's teeth
or bailing on a test
- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Big Nate
[loud clang]
[loud crash]
- So when Ruby comes, I
need you guys to act normal.
- My boy is becoming a man.
- [groans]
He's 11.
- He's gonna have a girlfriend.
[gasps] A potential
daughter-in-law.
I've always wanted a girl.
- Nice, Dad.
Thanks.
It's a no.
- Please!
The stakes are very high here.
I never, ever ask for anything.
- That's a lie.
- You ask for
stuff all the time.
- I just want Ruby to think
I come from a normal family
with normal
Thanksgivings,
where we don't play
"Find Gramp's Prosthetic
Finger in the Stuffing,"
and we definitely don't sing
songs dressed as ears of corn.
- Fine.
But you're cleaning my
room for a year, dorkus.
We will have a boring
Thanksgiving just once,
one time.
- Yes!
[laughs]
Uh, Dad?
[whimpers]
- Oh, I can't say no.
Not with young
love on the line.
- Awesome!
[chuckles]
Because there is actually
one other little super
teeny tiny, small thing.
We have to uninvite
Gram and Gramps.
- What?
Why?
- Well, in case you
haven't noticed,
they have lost their marbles.
I mean, Gramps brought his
lucky chain saw
to Chad's bris.
- Whoo-hoo-hoo!
- Mazel tov.
- But how am I supposed to
uninvite my own parents?
- Oh, it's simple.
Ellen calls and says
she has a fever.
If they don't want to get
sick, they won't come over.
- And then, I roll center
stage and welcome the pilgrims.
Welcome, one and all.
I am the rock
known as Plymouth.
- Hi.
We are the pilgrims.
Can we have this land
if we say "dibs"?
- Well, the people
who currently live
here haven't called dibs yet.
- Great!
And these people you mentioned,
about how much land are they
willing to give up by force?
[glass shattering]
- Dee Dee, my office now!
- But-- but you can't
cancel the Pumpkin Pageant!
It's a defining
moment in my career.
[sobbing]
- [sighs] I'll
let you put on the pageant.
- Yes!
- A pageant about anything but
unsanitized American history.
- So write and
perform an entirely new
pageant in two days?
- Yep.
And it's Thanksgiving, so
give the people of Rackleff
a happy, positive
story about Rackleff.
- But our town
is so undramatic.
My play was supposed
to be hard-hitting.
It was going to matter!
- Who needs hard-hitting
when you can
be compassionate and friendly?
And you know, I'm not trying
to get canceled anytime soon.
You know what I mean?
Yeah?
- [groans] What am
I supposed to do?
Write a play about ice cream?
- A Thanksgiving
pageant about Scoopsies?
- I am not complaining.
- Well, I am!
A pageant needs drama.
Where's the conflict?
Where's the intrigue?
[groans]
Oh, what?
Huh?
Lady Dairy,
founder of Scoopsies--
the Mother Teresa of dessert.
Never heard of her.
But something about
her seems sketchy.
- Sketchy?
She dedicated her life
to providing Rackleff
with delicious ice cream.
- Exactly.
Why isn't she
a household name, hmm?
What is she hiding?
- All right, gang, we have
one day to make this dump
look like the home of a
totally normal family.
- Everybody's working
for the weekend
Everybody wants
a new romance
Everybody's going
off the deep end
- [growls]
- [groans]
[doorbell rings]
- [gasps] Uh, Nate?
It's your girlfriend.
- What? Ruby?
Ellen!
Why is she so early?
- Nate?
- Ellen!
Augh! Do something!
[pants]
Remember, we are--
[spits loudly]
--a normal family hosting
a traditional Thanksgiving.
- What's all the ruckus?
- Dad, what could
have possessed you
to be dressed like that?
- Well, we can't
act like ourselves.
So I decided to act
like someone else.
- No, no, no, no, Dad.
No!
- Oh, relax, you two.
I got this.
- You must be Nate's dad.
I'm Ruby.
- Well, howdy, Ruby.
Aren't you just a peach?
Nate's just scraping
some tongue blisters off
in his water closet.
Now, come on in now, you hear?
Don't be shy.
[turkey gobbling]
- [coughs]
- Good cider, Ruby?
I squeezed the apples
myself with my armpits.
- Blech.
Where are you from
originally, Mr. Wright?
- Yeah, Dad.
Tell Ruby about the town you
grew up in where everyone
has an accent like yours.
- Oh, bless your heart.
I was born and raised in the
quaint hamlet of Townberg.
Yep, Townberg.
- So, what is it you guys
usually do on Thanksgiving?
Besides eat.
- [laughs]
That's a good one, Ruby.
We obviously love, uh--
[mutters]
- [cries]
Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Football, yes.
A total Thanksgiving
tradition, football.
- You're kidding me!
I love football.
- [whimpers]
[rock music]
- Ahh!
Ahh!
- [whimpers, screams]
- Hey, guys.
[all yelling]
- Go deep!
- [screaming]
[loud explosion]
- Touchdown!
- Are you sure
about this, Dee Dee?
- Yes.
Don't argue with my process.
- Oh!
[gentle orchestral music[
[scatting]
- All right,
little maestro.
Give me some twinkle toes.
Cabriolé.
Brisé, brisé.
- Ugh.
- Wow.
So this is where
the magic happens.
- Hey, focus.
We're here to get the scoop
[rimshot]
On this Lady Dairy woman.
She had to have some
skeletons in her closet.
- Uncle Pedro says that's
actually the worst place
to keep skeletons, from a
climate-control standpoint
and a smell standpoint.
- Creepy.
- OK, why couldn't we
have just asked someone
for information on Lady Diary?
You know, the reasonable way.
- [groans]
Audible eye roll.
- [sighs]
- Check it out, family photos.
- Wait a sec.
Here's an article written
by a Ms. Secretary.
"Was lovely Lady Dairy
as Lovely as they say?"
The rest of the article has
red and black ink all over it.
- Redacted papers--
classic coverup operation.
Someone's hiding something.
We gotta turn this town
upside down to find out.
- Hey, y'all aren't
supposed to be here.
- Teddy, now!
- Dairy air.
- [farts]
- [coughs] Whoa, man.
Weird day, isn't it?
- [honking]
- Yeah!
[all groaning]
- Wouldn't be Thanksgiving
without a few bumps, bruises,
and permanent brain damage.
Am I right?
- [groans] No, you are not.
- My hip is making
a funny noise.
- Yabba, dabba.
- Hey, that's some
nice taxidermy.
- Huh?
Oh yeah, the family moose head.
Comes out every Thanksgiving.
- Old Eastern Malagash,
we call him.
- Oh.
I kind of figured it was fake.
- Oh, it is.
Yeah, no it is.
Totally fake, yep.
Obviously.
[laughs]
- Yep.
We don't hunt mooses.
We prefer to hunt--
squirrels?
- Yes, squirrels.
Yeah,
everybody hates squirrels.
- So you kill them?
- What?
No!
No, no, no, no.
Don't worry, Ruby.
We always put the
squirrels, um, back.
- What we do is,
we bag the squirrels.
Then, we treat them to
a nice afternoon brunch.
Grandpappy called it
squaggin', the annual Wright
family hunting tradition.
- I'll be honest with you guys.
That sounds awesome!
- Uh, it does?
- Oh, right up my alley.
I'm vegetarian.
- [stutters] Vegetarian?
Well, thank goodness
we bought some sort
of vegetarian turkey thing
and so many other veggies.
Right, Ellen?
- Yes!
Oh, and you know what?
That reminds me.
I need to dip out to
the store and pick up
a few things that
are definitely not
tofurkey or other vegetables.
- Great!
Yes, good plan.
You do that while we go
get our squaggin' on.
[laughs]
- Now squag your squirrels
round and round
Gotta bag 'em to and fro'
We don't kill 'em none,
just brunch for fun
Do the squaggin' do-si-do
- Ahh!
- Yee-haw!
- Hmm, what am I missing?
[slurps]
- Ahh!
- Mm?
- [groans
both: Huh?
- Meet at Rackleff Library?
Signed, Ms. Secretary?
[laughter]
- [whimpers]
[gasps]
Tofurkey!
Mwah!
- Turducken!
- [chuckles]
This is so exciting!
Feels like we're
in a spy movie.
- I'm gonna need
a fresh pair of underpants
before this day is over.
- Ha!
Rookie mistake.
Just turn the ones you're
wearing inside out, bro.
You'll know it's time to clean
them when they get crunchy.
- [shudders]
- Psst!
[all gasp]
- Ms. Secretary?
Hello?
[chair creaking]
[tense music]
[all yelling]
Mrs. Shipulski?
But, but--
- You're Ms. Secretary?
- Sit down, children!
There's not much time.
- Made it through
a successfully
non-violent hunting trip.
Now, we just gotta get
through dinner without Ruby
completely writing me off.
- [yells]
- Well, hey, son.
- Hey, Marty!
- No. Oh!
No, no,
no, no, no, no, no!
Gram, Gramps!
You came.
- Of course we did!
[chuckles]
Come on; come on.
Get in here.
Ohh-ohh-ohh.
OK, that's enough.
- We brought our poor
Ellen some cow tripe.
We just couldn't stand
the thought of her sick
in bed all day.
On Thanksgiving, no less.
- Not to mention, it's my
year for the corn ballad solo.
Even brought my Charbuphonica.
- [chuckles]
Good gravy, Ellen.
You've shrunk!
Just how sick are you?
- Oh, yeah.
Don't worry about it.
They're losing their marbles.
- It's OK, Grandpappy!
Ellen's fine!
We went squaggin'!
both: Huh?
- Your tradition
of bagging squirrels!
- What are you talking about?
We're having squirrel
for Thanksgiving?
- Call me crazy,
but that doesn't sound
like one of our traditions.
- [whispering] Wow.
Um, are they OK?
- Yeah.
They don't have much time.
- So sad.
- Dinner's ready
[yells]
[both gasp]
- Ellen sweetie,
we're just
so glad you're feeling better.
109-degree fever is no joke.
- Turned out just allergies.
[chuckles]
- Oh, uh, Dad?
Can you pass our guest
of honor some of Ellen's
famous ambrosia salad?
- [laughs]
Ellen, a chef?
Nice one, Nate.
- You see what I mean?
Memories, all gone.
- Oh, I do declare I would love
some of them vittles, Ellen.
- What's with
that accent, Marty?
You got that tongue
paralysis acting up?
- Oh, are you guys not from
Townberg like Nate's Dad?
Hey, Gram and
Gramps, I could sure
use some help in the kitchen.
Let's go check it out together.
Right now, please.
[groans]
- OK, sweetie.
What's going on?
Are you still feverish?
And who's that girl out there?
- OK, listen.
That is Nate's hopeful
girlfriend Ruby.
And she's a vegetarian.
- Oh, OK.
So she's got a few slices
missing from the loaf, huh?
You know, a few peas
short of a casserole.
She's an eight-cornered
meatball.
- No, Gramps.
Nate just wants to impress her.
- Oh!
- Hence, this soy-based turkey.
- Huh.
Yeah, well, one teeny problem.
That's a turducken.
- It's a what?
- Chicken stuffed in a
duck stuffed in a turkey.
- Turducken!
- The Holy Trinity
of meat consumption.
- OK.
Well, that's good to know.
But FYI, I am about to
freak out because this meal
has to be vegetarian!
[panting]
- Get a hold
of yourself, honey.
Gram is on the case.
Hmm.
- [roars]
- I can work with this.
- I'll get the chain saw.
- So that plaque out front of
Scoopsies is total baloney.
Lady Dairy was a fraud.
- Lady Dairy stole her
recipes from her siblings,
before long wiping
out all competition,
her lucrative stolen
business model
gaining the attention of--
[together]
The Eew Corp!
- Eew Corp bought
out Scoopsies?
There's the drama
and intrigue we need.
Ooh, what a pageant
this is gonna be!
[all yelling]
- Somebody kidnapped
Mrs. Shipulski!
- Somebody?
Try Eew Corp.
[screams]
They're messing with my career.
Oh, which makes Dee Dee
a very angry actress.
- Hey, it's OK, Dee Dee.
We can still make a pageant
about something positive.
- Sure, fine.
I'll put on a pageant.
I'll give Eew Corp
and Principal Nichols
the kind of show they want.
But what they don't know
is how good I am
at third-act twists.
- Happy to report
that the tofurkey,
which is very much
a meatless tofurkey,
will be done very soon.
- Amazing.
I am hungry!
[tummy rumbling]
Oh.
Uh-oh.
Would you all excuse
me for just a sec?
- All too familiar
with that waddle.
- [groans]
- Hey, Ellen,
what was in that salad?
- First of all, you are
welcome for looking up
traditional Thanksgiving
vegetarian dishes.
Second of all, nothing weird.
Just pineapple, sour cream,
oranges, maraschino cherries,
mayonnaise, croutons-- oh!
And marshmallows.
- Ellen, marshmallows
are made from horse hooves!
[horse whinnying]
- [groaning]
- Ugh, what was in that salad?
[gags]
[whimpers]
[gulps]
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
[screams]
[smoke detector beeping]
- Gram, come quick!
- [roars]
- Oh, dear.
I cooked it a bit
too long, didn't I?
- No one will ever
know, sweetie.
All right,
out of the way, people!
- [snarling]
- [cackles]
- Ahh!
[chain saw whirring]
- Is that a chain saw?
- No, that would just be silly.
I'm hoping it's just
a very loud blender.
[chain saw revving]
- Is that a chainsaw?
Oh, it's probably just
a really loud blender.
[whimpers]
- [cackling]
- What's going on in here?
- Impossible to explain.
Just go with it, Marty.
- [pants]
Why are you cutting whatever
that is with a chain saw?
- It's OK, Nate.
It's, uh, vegetarian.
[both cackling]
- [growls]
[both cackling]
- [growls]
- Oh, boys!
- It's vegetarian.
- Everybody, stop!
- If you'd like to make
a call,
please hang up
and try again.
- Why?
Why couldn't you just
stick to the plan?
Why couldn't you
just act normal?
And you two!
This is exactly the kind of
thing we uninvited you for.
[growls]
[balloon squeaking]
- [groans]
- Ellen was never sick,
was she?
- No, she wasn't!
I was trying to impress Ruby.
And you guys are
too much of a liability.
And no offense.
- [chuckles] None taken.
Oh, dang it!
Lost my finger.
- Nate, we were
just trying to help.
- With a chain saw?
[thudding]
- [snarling]
- [grunts]
Ahh!
[squelching]
- Ugh.
- Uh, hi.
Were you standing
there long enough to--
- I heard everything.
- [groans]
[wind howling]
[groans]
Ruby, I'm sorry.
I was, you know--
well, I-- I was
trying to impress you.
- Yeah, I could tell.
- I was just sure you'd think
our regular Thanksgiving
traditions were pretty nuts,
which is why I tried to make
my family act more normal.
- I'm not even sure
what normal is.
But for what it's worth,
I think
your fam is pretty kick butt.
- Thanks.
Guess I owe them a
pretty big apology, too.
They went all out for me
this year, even Ellen.
- You all sure are definitely
a rare breed of awesome.
- Really?
- Yeah!
Except that apple cider.
- Ugh, yeah.
That was really gross.
[laughter]
They might have something
better at the Pumpkin Pageant.
You want to check it out?
We can go watch Dee Dee's
super weird play.
[laughter]
- And so Lady Dairy
spent the rest
of her life spreading
joy, laughter,
ice cream, and deception.
- No, Dee Dee.
Don't do it!
- After stealing
ice cream recipes
from her very own siblings,
your dear Lady Dairy
shipped her brother and
sister to a frozen wasteland,
never to return.
Lady Dairy's power grew
stronger and her
pockets deeper.
She ruled over her
staff with an iron fist,
wiping out all
who stood in her way.
Scoopsies, a Rackleff
symbol for tasty bliss
founded in lies.
- Fake news!
- Liar.
- Prove it!
- Hey, stop!
What are you doing?
Don't you want the truth?
Ahh!
- Get off the stage,
and save those tomatoes
for the cafeteria.
- Oh no, she's bombing.
We gotta go help her.
- Ahh!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Listen up.
[together]
Huh?
As an encore to Dee Dee's
incredible truth-revealing
story, I present you
with something equally as
raw, real, and unconventional.
This is for my family.
[upbeat music]
I want to eat some
corn all night
And drink corn every day
- I can't choose cream,
cob, or roasted
So I think
I'll have all three
both: Oh bless me
all: Yellow, brown, or blue
I'll eat any corn I choose
- I could sure go
for some ice cream.
- Oh, let's go get Scoopsies.
- Hey, did you say Scoopsies?
all: The bells are ringing
You call the cab
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
I want to eat some
corn all night
And drink corn every day
I can't choose cream,
cob, or roasted
So I guess
I'll have all three
Doop, dee-doo, corn
Ah-doop, dee-doo
Corn
Doop, dee-doo, dee, corn
- Till the morning dew
[together] Yeah, corn,
I can't digest you