Buffy the Vampire Slayer s02e16 Episode Script

- So what do you think?|- It's nice.
But do you think Cordelia will like it? I don't know.
|Does she know what one of these is? OK, big yucks.
When are you gonna|stop makin' fun of me for dating Cordelia? I'm sorry.
But never.
I just think you could find|somebody more better.
Yeah.
Parallel universe, maybe.
Here the only other person|I'm interested in is, um, unavailable.
Besides, Cordy and I are really gettin' along.
Yesterday we sat together, not even speakin'.
|You know, just enjoying comfortable silence.
Man, that was dull.
I'm glad that you guys are getting along.
|Almost really.
And don't stress over the gift.
It's new territory for me.
My valentines are|usually met with heartfelt restraining orders.
She'll love it.
I wish dating was like slaying - simple,|direct, stake to the heart, no muss, no fuss.
Sorry to say, Xand.
|Slaying is a tad more perilous than dating.
Well, you're obviously not dating Cordelia.
Wait up! Hey, wait up! Excuse me? Where's the fire sale? Oh, sorry.
Didn't see you.
You didn't call back last night|to talk about dance outfits.
I'm wearing red and black,|so you need to switch.
Red and black? Is that what Xander likes? - Xander? What does he have to do with this?|- Well, a girl wants to look good for her geek.
- Xander's just|- When'll you start wearing matching outfits? Cos I'm planning to vomit.
Let's go.
Papers on my desk.
Anybody tries to leave without giving me|a paper is looking at a failing grade.
This time I'm ready for ya.
|No F for Xander today.
No, this baby's my ticket to a sweet D minus.
- Hey, Amy.
|- Hey.
You guys goin' to the|Valentine's Day dance at the Bronze? - Go ahead, you know you wanna say it.
|- My boyfriend's in the band.
- Cool!|- I think you've now told everybody.
- Only in this hemisphere.
|- What about you? Valentine's Day is just a cheap gimmick|to sell cards and chocolate.
Bad break-up, huh? Believe me when I say "Uh-huh".
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, Amy.
I just hate to think of you solo|on Valentine's Day.
I'll be fine.
Mom and I'll have a pig-out.
It's a|time-honoured tradition among the loveless.
- Did you guys see that?|- See what? In class.
I think Amy worked|some magic on Miss Beakman.
- You mean like witchcraft?|- Her mom's a witch.
An amateur psycho.
|Amy shouldn't be messing with that stuff.
- Maybe I should go talk to her.
|- Buffy? Buffy? - Might I have a word?|- Have a sentence even.
- Oh, good.
Well|- Back it up before you leave.
- Rupert.
|- Ms Calendar.
I'm glad we ran into each other, actually.
|I was hoping that we could, uh Do you have a minute? Actually, not just now.
Erm,|I have a matter to discuss with with Buffy.
Right.
Let's go.
Are you OK? Me? I'll I'll be fine.
Um, I was more concerned about you,|actually.
Since Angel, erm, turned, .
.
I've been reading up|on his earlier activities.
You know, feeding patterns and the like.
And? Around Valentine's Day he's rather prone to .
.
well, erm, brutal displays of|he would think of it as affection, I suppose.
- Like what?|- No no need to go into details.
- That bad?|- Suffice it to say, I think it would be best .
.
if you stayed off the streets for a few nights.
I'll, erm I'll patrol.
|You know, keep an eye on things.
Better safe than sorry.
It's a little late for both.
Fancy it, pet? It's beautiful.
Nothing but the best for my gir Happy Valentine's Day, Dru.
Angel! It's still warm.
I knew you'd like it.
I found it in a quaint little shopgirl.
Cute.
Here.
I'll get it.
Done.
I know Dru gives you pity access, .
.
but you have to admit|it's easier when I do things for her! You would do well to worry less about Dru, .
.
and more about that slayer|you've been tramping around with.
Dear Buffy.
Hm.
I'm still trying to decide|the best way to send my regards.
Why don't you rip her lungs out?|That might make an impression.
Lacks poetry.
It doesn't have to.
What rhymes with lungs? Don't worry, Spike.
Angel always knows .
.
what speaks to a girl's heart.
# Feelin' I've been lost for years # You can never understand me # Unless you've seen those tears # But you never get to sleep # When I'm away # I don't mind Oz has his cool hair today.
I think I'm a groupie! Oh, hey! Let's get outta here.
Here.
Mom? Mom? - Buffy, it's me.
|- Yeah.
You just startled me a little.
I was just checking the back door.
|Somebody left these for you.
# Hey! # I can't sleep # Hey! # I can't sleep # Hey! # I can't sleep - Hey.
|- Your clothes.
You look so good.
Oh.
I let Buffy dress me.
- Well, not physically.
|- Perfect.
Had to make this harder, didn't you? Clearly the fact I please you visually|has got us off on the wrong foot.
- Xander|- Let me finish.
I've been thinking a lot about us lately.
The why and the wherefore.
You know, once, twice.
|A kissy here, a kissy there.
And you can chalk it all up to hormones.
And maybe that's all we have here -|tawdry, teen lust.
But maybe not.
Maybe something in you sees something|special inside me, and vice versa.
I mean, I think I do.
See something.
So Xander.
Thank you.
It's beautiful.
I wanna break up.
OK, not quite the reaction I was lookin' for.
I know.
I'm sorry.
It's just Who are we kidding?|Even if parts of us do see specialness, .
.
we don't fit.
Yeah.
OK.
Do you know a good day to break up with|somebody? Any day besides Valentine's Day! I mean, what?|Were you runnin' low on dramatic irony? I know.
I didn't mean to do it this way.
Uh Well, you did.
Dude! Way to get dumped! - Buffy, my bud, you would not believe|- Can't talk right now.
Angel.
- Do you need help?|- It's all right.
Gee, Xander, you should learn a second|language, so even more girls can reject you.
What are you doing? Amy.
Good to see ya.
You're a witch.
No, I'm not.
|That that was my mom, remember? Yeah.
I'm thinkin' it runs in the family.
|I saw you work that mojo on Miss Beakman.
- Maybe I should tell somebody.
|- That's not That is so mean! - Blackmail is an ugly word.
|- I didn't say blackmail.
Yeah, but I'm about to blackmail you,|so I thought I'd bring it up.
What do you want? What do I want? I want some respect around here.
|I want, for once, to come out ahead.
I want the Hellmouth to be workin' for me.
You and me, Amy.
We're gonna cast a little spell.
- A love spell?|- Yeah.
Just the basic.
Can't eat, can't sleep,|can't breathe anything but little old moi, Well, that kind of thing is the hardest -|to make someone love you for all eternity? Whoa! Whoa! Back up.
|Who said anything about eternity? A man can only talk|self-tanning lotion for so long.
I don't get it.
If you don't wanna be|with her for ever, what's the point? I want her to want me, desperately,|so I can break up with her .
.
and subject her to the same hell|she's been puttin' me through.
Oh, I don't know, Xander.
- Intent has to be pure with love spells.
|- Right.
I intend revenge.
Pure as the driven snow.
Now, are you gonna play, or do we need to|have another chat about invisible homework? I'll need something of hers.
|A personal object.
Right.
"Soon" what? You never held out on me|until the big, bad thing became my ex-honey.
- Where's this from?|- He said it with flowers.
This isn't the time to be Mr Protective Guy.
I can't prepare|when I don't know what's coming.
No.
Of course.
You're right.
S-sit down.
Don't flatter yourself.
I'm not gonna make|a big scene.
I just want the necklace back.
- What? I thought it was a gift.
|- Last night it was.
Today it's scrap metal.
- I figure I can melt it down, sell it for fillings.
|- You're pathetic.
Come on.
I'm not gonna add to|the Cordelia Chase Cast-Off Collection.
It's in my locker.
I can wait.
Here.
It's a good thing we broke up.
|Now I don't have to pretend I like it.
Diana, .
.
goddess of love and the hunt, .
.
I pray to thee.
Let my cries bind the heart|of Xander's beloved.
May she neither rest nor sleep .
.
until she submits to his will only.
Diana, bring about this love and bless it! Blow out the candle now! Remember? I don't remember.
- What?|- Morning, ladies.
Some kind of weather|we've been havin', huh? What do you want? You can't be|sniffing around for more jewellery to melt .
.
cos all you ever gave me|was that Smallmart-looking thing.
Is this love? Cos maybe on you|it doesn't look that different.
What are you doing? Are you going,|like, Stalker Boy on me now? - Sorry, my mistake.
|- Yeah, I should say so.
What is his deal? Oh, here's another.
Here.
Um, "Valentine's Day.
|Angel nails a puppy to the" - Skip it.
|- But I don't wanna know.
|I don't have a puppy.
Skip it.
Right you are.
I'll get another batch.
I have a plan.
- We use me as bait.
|- You mean make Angel come after you? No, I mean chop me up and|stick me on hooks for fish to nibble at .
.
cos it would be more fun than my life.
Yeah.
I heard about you and Cordy.
- That's her loss.
|- Yeah.
Not really the popular theory.
You know what I'd like? Why don't you and I do something tonight?|Just the two of us.
- Really?|- Yeah.
We can comfort each other.
Would lap dancing enter into that scenario|at all? Cos I find that very comforting.
Play your cards right OK.
Uh you do know that I'm Xander, right? I don't know, I just .
.
heard that you and Cordy broke up, and .
.
I guess I was just surprised how glad I was.
It's funny how you can|see someone every day, .
.
but not really see them.
You know? Yeah, it's funny.
And it's just gettin' funnier.
Xander, can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah, OK.
- Xander?|- Yeah.
- I don't think the spell worked out.
|- It bombed.
No biggie.
Well, we can always try again.
|I am still pretty new at this.
Oh, no, no.
It's OK.
It was wrong to meddle|with the forces of darkness.
I see that now.
- I think we've all grown.
I gotta go.
|- We don't have to cast any spells.
We can just hang out.
Sure.
- What?|- Well, I liked spending time with you.
You're so sweet.
It's funny how you can|see a person every day and Not really see them? Exactly.
- So, anyway, I thought|- Hi, Xander.
- What?|- You're in my history class, right? - Yeah.
|- Maybe we could study together tonight.
Do you mind? We were talking.
I really gotta go.
Right now.
Sorry.
I wanted to surprise you.
Good job! High marks.
Don't be so jumpy.
|I've been in your bed before.
Yeah, but, Will,|we were both in footie pyjamas.
Xand, I've been thinking.
Will, I think I know what you've|been thinking.
But this is all my fault.
- I cast a spell and it backfired.
|- How long have we been friends? A long, long time, Too long to do|anything that might change that now.
But friendships change all the time.
People grow apart.
They grow closer.
This is good - how close we are now.
I feel|comfortable with this amount of closeness.
In fact, I can even back up|a few paces and still be happy.
See? I want you, Xander, - .
.
to be my first.
|- Baseman? Tell me we're talking baseball.
We both know it's right.
It's not that I don't find you sexy.
Is it Oz? Don't worry about him.
He's sweet, but he's not you.
Yes, he is! And you should go to him.
|Cos he's me! I-I-I don't wanna use force.
Force is OK.
That's it! This has gotta stop! It's time for me to act like a man.
And hide! Ha, very funny.
What did I do now?|Wear red and purple together? You know what you did.
|Xander is wounded because of you.
Are you tripping?|You wanted me to break up with him.
Only a sick pup would let Xander get away,|no matter what her friends said.
What does it take to make you people happy? # Yeah # Got the love, got the love # Mm, yeah # Got the love, got the love # Got the love, got the love # Sugar baby # Got the love, got the love # Oh, now, babe,|you been gone such a long time # Been thinkin' 'bout what it is we got # Not all the time in the world # Whoo! # But we got a lot # Now, there's much more|than a ghost of a chance # We can make it # Right this time # Cos you got to stay mine # Yeah, I got the love # Got the love, got the love Xander.
- What is it?|- It's it's me.
- Throwing myself at your mercy.
|- What? Why? I made a mess, Giles.
See, I found out that|Amy's into witchcraft, and I was hurt I guess.
So I made her put the love whammy|on Cordy, but it backfired.
Now every woman in Sunnydale wants me.
Which may sound swell on paper, but Rupert, we need to talk.
Hey, Xander.
Nice shirt.
Rupert, I know you're angry at me, and I don't|blame you, but I am not just gonna go away.
I mean, I care far too much about you to Have you been working out? I cannot believe|you are fool enough to do this.
Oh, no.
I'm twice the fool it takes to do this.
Has, erm|Has Amy tried to reverse the spell? All Amy wants to do|is talk honeymoon plans.
- Maybe I need to talk to Xander alone.
|- Do you have any idea how serious this is? People under a love spell, Xander, are deadly.
They lose all capacity for reason.
And if what you say is true,|and the entire female population is affected Don't leave the library.
I'll find Amy|and see if we can put a stop to this thing.
No.
Alone at last.
- Buff! Give me a heart attack.
|- Oh , .
.
I'm gonna give you more than that.
Buff, for the love of God,|don't open that raincoat.
Come on, it's a party.
Aren't you gonna open your present? It's not that I don't want to.
Sometimes|the remote possibility you might like me .
.
was all that sustained me.
But not now.
Not like this.
This isn't real to you.
|You're only here because of a spell.
I mean, if I thought you had one clue|what it would mean to me But you don't.
So I can't.
So you're saying this is all a game? A game? I No! You make me feel this way|and then you reject me? What am I, a toy? - Buffy, please calm down.
|- I'll calm down when you explain yourself! Get away from him.
He's mine.
Oh, I don't think so.
- Xander, tell her.
|- What? I uh He doesn't have to say.
|I know what his heart wants.
Funny.
I know what your face wants.
What is this? You're two-timing me?! Goddess Hecate, work thy will.
Before thee let the unclean thing crawl! Buffy! Oh, my God! - Wh-what just happened?|- Buffy.
Where where is she? - Oh, my God!|- Why is she here? Can you focus for a minute?|You just turned Buffy into a rat! Buffy can take care of herself.
- Why don't we go someplace private?|- Can you I'm not going anywhere|until you change her back.
You heard him.
So why don't you|undo your magic trick and get lost? Who made you queen of the world? Well, you're old enough to be.
Well, what can I say? I guess Xander's|just too much man for the pimple squad.
Goddess Hecate, to you I pray - .
.
with this|- Quit with the Hecate! OK, what now?|You don't like my locker combination? It's just not right.
|You never loved him.
You just used him.
- You make me sick.
|- OK, Harmony, .
.
if you need to borrow my Midol, just ask.
You two, sit! Be quiet.
We have to catch the Buffy-rat.
Ooh, there! Good, Buffy.
Just - That kinda hurt.
|- Kinda? What was that for? I was on the phone all night|listening to Willow cry about you.
Now, I don't know exactly what happened,|but I was left with the strong urge to hit you.
- I didn't touch her, I swear.
|- Xander! Where's Buffy? Amy turned her into a rat.
I don't see her.
|If anything happens to her, I'll Oh, just go home.
Lock yourself away.
You're|only going to cause more problems here.
Um, Amy,|Jenny and I will try and break the spell.
Oz, if you could aid us in finding, erm|Buffy? Sure.
Absolutely.
- If|- Just go.
Get out of my sight.
Buffy? What are you doing?|You guys are crazy! You thought you could do better? - We'll knock that snotty attitude out of you!|- No! Argh! You must have botched the ritual so that|Cordelia's necklace actually protected her.
It should be reversible.
|Where did you learn animal transformation? Why did you send Xander away?|He needs me.
- That's a laugh.
|- He loves me.
We see into each other's souls.
No one can love two people at once.
- What we have is real.
|- Instead of making me ill, help me.
- You have no idea what I'm going through.
|- I know it's not love! It's obsession - selfish, banal obsession.
Xander has put himself in danger.
If you cared about him, you'd help save him|rather than wittering on about your feelings.
Now, let's get on with some work.
|Now, Jenny Great.
I think we - .
.
lost 'em.
|- I should have known I'd find you with her.
- Will.
Come on, you don't wanna hurt me.
|- Oh, no? You don't know how hard this is for me.
|I love you so much.
I'd rather see you dead than with that bitch! - OK, now I really think we've lost 'em.
|- Dammit, what's going on? - Who died and made you Elvis?|- Buffy's house.
Get inside.
I'll explain later.
- Come on!|- Xander? Cordelia? Yeah.
Hi.
What happened?|Why are you all scratched up? - Where's Buffy?|- She's, um .
.
around.
Well, sit down and tell me about it.
Why don't you run upstairs and|grab some bandages out of the bathroom? Let me, uh, get you something to drink.
You in the mood for cold or hot? I-I I think it's more of a hot night, don't you? - Whatever.
|- You are so tense.
Mmm.
- What are you doing? Make me yak!|- Cordelia, go upstairs.
This is between us.
- Gross.
I think not.
Let's go.
|- What are you doing? Hey, get your hands off me! And keep your mom-aged mitts|off my boyfriend.
Former! Why has everyone gone insane? Insane? Is it so impossible for you to believe|that other women find me attractive? The only way to get girls|to want you would be witchcraft.
That is such a Well, yeah, OK.
Good point.
Oh, my God! Xander, honey, let Joycie in.
|Hon, let Joycie in.
- Upstairs! Buffy's room!|- Sweetheart? Good.
The mob still hasn't found us.
|We should be safer up here.
Works in theory.
Xander! - Where's Buffy?|- Cordy, get outta here! Perfect.
I wanted to do something special for Buffy.
|Actually, to Buffy.
But this is so much better.
If it's any consolation,|I feel very close to you right now.
- Buffy, how?|- Don't fret, kitten.
Mummy's here.
I don't know what you're up to,|but it doesn't amuse! If you harm one hair on this boy's head You've gotta be kidding.
Him? Just because I've finally found a real man.
- I guess I really did drive you crazy.
|- Your face is a poem.
I can read it.
Really? It doesn't say|"Spare me" by any chance? How do you feel about eternal life? We couldn't just start with a coffee? A movie maybe? - There he is! He's mine!|- Get off! All you had to do was love me! No! Get out of the way! Get off him! Back off! Ah, sorry, Dru.
Guess you're not invited.
It's never gonna work for us, Xander.
|We have to end it.
Here, Buffy.
Right.
Go on.
You first.
- Xander!|- Gimme a nail.
If we die in here,|I'm gonna kick your ass.
I mean it.
This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't|dumped me - but no, you're so popular! Me? I'm not the one who embraced the|black arts just to get the girls to like me.
Well, congratulations.
It worked.
It would've worked fine, except your hide's|so thick not even magic can penetrate it! You mean the spell was for me? Xander, let me touch you! Goddess of creatures great and small,|I conjure thee to withdraw.
Hecate, .
.
I hereby license thee to depart.
Buffy? - Oh, my God!|- Stay behind me.
Xander! I need you.
Come here, please! Erm, Diana, .
.
goddess of love, begone.
Hear no more thy siren's song.
Get off! Get off me! What's going on? Where am I? What's going on? - Hi, Oz!|- Hi.
I seem to be having|a slight case of nudity here.
But you're not a rat, .
.
so call it an upside.
- You think you could get me some clothing?|- Yes, I can.
Just, uh, don't go anywhere.
Really not an issue.
What What did we? Boy, that was the best scavenger hunt ever! - "Scavenger hunt".
|- Your mom seemed to buy it.
So she says.
She's so wigged at hitting on|one of my friends that she's repressing.
She's getting good at that.
|I should probably start worrying.
Well, I'm back to being incredibly unpopular.
- Better than everyone trying to murder you.
|- Mostly, but, uh .
.
Willow won't even talk to me.
- Any particular reason she should?|- How much grovelling are we talking? Oh, a month, at least.
Xander, come on.
|I mean, this is worse for her than anyone.
She loved you before you invoked|the great roofie spirit.
The rest of us - You remember, huh?|- Oh, yeah.
I remember coming on to you.
|I remember begging you to undress me.
And then a sudden need for cheese.
I also remember that you didn't.
- Need cheese?|- Undress me.
- It meant a lot to me, what you said.
|- I couldn't take advantage of you like that.
- OK, for a minute it was touch and go there.
|- You came through.
- There might just be hope for you yet.
|- Tell that to Cordelia.
You're on your own there.
- Cody Weinberg called me last night.
|- Cody Weinberg? - The one with the 35OSLO?|- The very one.
He's thinking of asking me|to the pledge dance.
- That's so huge!|- Yeah! There's just two other girls he's gonna ask|first, and if they refuse, then Watch it! Sorry.
God! I'm glad your mom stopped working at|the drive-through long enough to dress you.
Oh, that reminds me.
|Did you see Jennifer's backpack? - It is so trying to|- Harmony, shut up! - Do you know what you are? You're a sheep.
|- I'm not a sheep.
You're a sheep.
All you do is what everyone|else does, just so you can say you did it first! Here I am scrambling for your approval when|I'm way cooler than you cos I'm not a sheep.
I do what I wanna do|and I wear what I wanna wear.
And you know what?|I'll date whoever the hell I wanna date.
No matter how lame he is.
Oh, God! Oh, God! - It's gonna be OK.
Just keep walkin'.
|- Oh, God, what have I done? - They're never gonna speak to me again.
|- Sure they are.
If it helps, when we're around them,|we can fight a lot.
- You promise?|- You can pretty much count on it.