Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012) s02e16 Episode Script

- Oh, no.
I forgot to set my alarm.
I overslept by one minute.
Mavis, I'm gonna be late for my bus.
- [growls.]
- Mm, got to have breakfast.
[soft piano music.]
Mmm.
Wait, wait, wait! [bicycle bell rings.]
Three points.
Wait, wait, wait! Oh.
Interception.
Wait, wait.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Wait.
You forgot about me! Oh.
Right on time.
Best day ever.
Wha-- Oh! [sighs.]
Wha--oh! Really? Oh.
- It's time for an all-new episode Of comedy bang! Bang!, starting now.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
Worst day ever.
- It's comedy bang! Bang! - No.
- And scott experiences alternate realities.
Featuring, me, reggie watts, And your host, scott aukerman.
- comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang!, uh-huh - Hey, there.
Welcome to comedy bang! Bang! We have a great show tonight.
Andy dick is here.
I'm scott aukerman.
And you'll notice that the show started right on time.
A little tip for all of you aspiring Talk-show hosts out there-- be punctual.
It's so easy, and it's literally the least you can do.
[breathing heavily.]
Hey.
Oh.
Sorry.
- Aukerman! Glad you decided to come to work today.
- Sorry, I missed my bus.
Okay, anyway, hey, welcome to the show, Comedy bang! Bang! You--you know how it goes.
I'm sliding doorman.
Uh, scott aukerland.
Aukerland? I'm scott aukerman.
"sliding doorman" is supposed to be at the bottom of the screen.
That's the joke.
[laughs sarcastically.]
Anyway, um, welcome to the show.
Look, we're late already.
Let's just get to it.
Reggie, do it.
Do it! Do it! [off-key synthesizer music.]
No, reggie.
- love we all need love - That's very moving.
- Thanks, scott.
- Hey, reggie, I was thinking.
You ever notice how one choice or decision You make in your life can just change And alter your entire history, You know, like a ripple effect? - I've never thought of that.
- For instance, what if on the day Of your very first keyboard/loop-and-pedal-based A cappella hip-hop and beatboxing class, You missed your bus? You'd probably be a whole different person right now.
- [scoffs.]
you are so deep.
- Also, I was thinking-- Money, isn't it just paper, you know? And time-- it's something someone invented To make you and I feel late.
- God, my mind is blown.
- All right, reggie, we'll check back with you later.
[coughing wildly.]
God.
I feel sick.
Could I get a bucket out here, In case I need to give the old technicolor yawn? [groans.]
Okay, well, coming up next on the show-- - Hey, scott.
- Oh, hey, it's mugsy balone My talking coffee mug.
How are you, mugsy? - Well, scott, the coffee inside of me is 155 degrees.
That's the perfect temperature for you to enjoy.
- Well, as catwoman once said, "perfect.
" - Yay.
Ah.
- Oh, I love to have my mouth on you.
- [laughs.]
- Ugh.
Anyway, coming up on the show, we-- - Hey, scott.
- What do you want, mugsy? - Well, scott, the coffee inside of me is now 155-- - Mugsy, I'm hot.
I'm sweaty.
I just swallowed, like, a gallon of raw sewage.
The last thing I want to drink is coffee.
- That's the last straw-- sipping straw.
- Look, mugsy, why-- - good-bye, cruel world.
- Mugsy, what - Mugsy.
- Ah.
- Mugsy! [mug breaks.]
He's dead.
[gulps.]
All right, let's introduce our first guest.
He is a triple threat.
And by that, I mean backstage He threatened me three times.
Please welcome andy dick.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
- Good to see you.
- Please.
- It's nice to finally meet you.
- Thank you for coming.
You're a good friend to the show.
- I love it.
- As shakespeare once remarked, "friendship reaps the seeds of love.
Its fruitful bounty 'tis both fair and ample.
" - Ah.
The immortal bard.
- I think that says it all.
Let's welcome our first guest.
He's in a movie? Or-- No, he told me he wanted to be in a movie But someone better-looking got the part.
Andy dick.
Hi.
- [whispering indistinctly.]
Sam rockwell got the part.
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
[off-key synthesizer music.]
So, um, andy, you, um-- You were on just shoot me? - That--no.
David spade was on just shoot me.
- [groans.]
- I'm sorry.
I-- - you--you-- - I didn't watch tv back then.
I had a life.
[laughs.]
- that's cool.
- I assume that you got into acting by accident? - Why would you assume that? No, actually, I worked really hard.
I went to school for it.
What are you--what? - I'm sorry.
I sometimes don't know the faces my face is making.
- Well, you're looking at me like, "huh?" - Was that how I looked? Really? - Yeah, like, "what? You were-- you went to school?" - I think it's just when I hear something Really surprising, like you went to school - That's surprising to you? - Well, you just-- I mean, from what I know-- - Seem dumb? - I mean, I wouldn't use the word "dumb.
" I would use the word "uneducated" or - Oh, my god.
[groans.]
- So, andy, because I was on time this morning, Even though I barely made my bus-- And practically anything could've happened To prevent me from doing so-- I was able to get to work and do a little research, And what I read about you astounded me.
Your pet cockatoo passed away recently.
- Yeah, that's true.
Yeah, very sad.
- Well, I was going to buy you a new cockatoo And present it to you here on the show.
But I didn't want it to seem like I was trying to replace the one you had.
- Yeah, you wouldn't be able to.
- No, so what I did instead was I contacted the international star registry And I purchased a star in your cockatoo's name.
- A star in the-- in space? - Not just any star, the north star, Which from this day forward Shall be known as "sweet cheeks tenderoni iii.
" - Oh, my-- so the north star? - Anytime anyone talks about it.
- That's incredible.
That must've cost you an arm and a leg.
- You know what? You're worth it.
- You are such a sweet guy.
I love you so much.
[sighs.]
- so that pet cockatoo of yours, He still squawking around or? - He died.
He was my best friend.
- You have a best friend that's a bird? Look, I'm sorry, I just think it's weird that-- - [bleep.]
you, okay? [bleep.]
you and [bleep.]
you.
[bleep.]
this.
[bleep.]
it.
Either you-- let's start over, Or you can [bleep.]
this whole [bleep.]
thing.
- We'll be right back with more andy dick.
- No, we won't be right back with more andy dick.
[bleep.]
that.
- Oh, my god.
- Mm.
- You know what? I'm gonna do something for you.
I want you to have my beach house in malibu.
All summer, you can have it.
- What? - Yeah.
- Your famous malibu beach house? - Party central.
- Thank you so much.
I didn't know how this day could get better, But it looks like it just did.
Well, tell you what-- We'll be right with more andy dick after this.
Come on back.
It's a little weird.
- God, you are just-- you're mean.
[synthesizer music.]
Both: Hi.
Scott aukerman here.
I hope you're enjoying the show.
If you love comedy bang! Bang!, Make sure to friend us on facebook And in real life.
Follow us on twitter and in real life.
And email us constantly at comedybangbang@example.
Com.
- Comedy bang! Bang! Uses example.
Com exclusively.
It's the sign of quality in fake email addresses worldwide.
Son of a bitch.
Oh.
- We are just on the same wavelength right now.
- Why have we not met earlier? - I don't know.
- It's--it's incredible.
- Welcome back to the show.
We're here with andy dick.
And, andy, you were saying during the break That this is one of your all-time favorite interviews? Is that right? - No, no, no, no.
No, I was saying that this is my all-time Favorite experience ever.
- I feel the same way.
Reggie? - Totes.
- This is weird to say.
But can the three of us all be best friends? - I assumed we were.
- I thought so too, but I-- - I mean, that's how I feel.
- I just wanted to vocalize it and put it out there.
- I love it.
Yeah, me too.
We are best friends.
Thank you so much.
- This is going so well.
- Welcome back to the show.
We're here with andy dick.
And, andy, you were saying during the break That you didn't want to be here.
- That this is-- this is the biggest [bleep.]
joke I've ever been a part of.
And you know what? I'm not a part of it.
Because you, my friend, are an asshole An asshole.
You know what? [bleep.]
you for saying all that, you-- - Please, please, please.
Please don't hurt me.
- [bleep.]
you.
- [sighs.]
Sorry.
[sighs.]
What do we do now? Andy, when your children And my eventual children grow up, Do you think they'll be best friends too or? - I can already see my daughter marrying your eventual son.
- There would be no greater honor.
- Wouldn't that be the best? - Mm.
- All righty, mr.
Aukerman, here's your keys.
Car's all fixed.
- What is this? - Oh, thanks, lou.
But I'm kind of in the middle of a show right now.
- A show? Look at that.
What do you do? What type of show do you do here with all this shit? - Well, it's a-- kind of a comedy show.
- Comedy.
[laughs.]
You want to hear about comedy? All right, listen to this.
Take these cameras down to the shop In the break room, those guys down there-- Now, that's where you get good comedy.
- Okay.
- Woman comes in, right? Says she's got a problem with her volvo.
I said, "don't talk to me.
Take it up with your gynecologist, right?" [laughter.]
All right, wait.
Here's one for you.
Who am I right now? Who am I right now? "hey, guys.
Is my buick fixed?" Bert sinclair.
Right? Right? [laughter.]
Guy's always coming in to get his buick fixed, right? It was an amazing time.
For one brief and exciting moment, Lou's auto was the hottest spot In the entire comedy scene.
- Yeah, you know, you'd do a quick set.
Then you'd replace a carburetor.
[chuckles.]
Then you'd replace a radiator.
Then you'd replace a fuel injector.
Then you'd replace an alternator.
It was wild.
Instead of rotating my tires, I leave the tires where they are And rotate the car.
[laughter.]
- So this rich, handsome doctor comes in.
And he says, "judy.
Judy! "you fixed my car so great, I'm gonna fall madly in love with you.
" It could happen! [laughter.]
- One time, I got to open for garry shandling.
That is to say, I-I opened the hood of his car.
He brought it in for an oil change.
- For me, lou's was a place Where you could really push the boundaries.
Hickory dickory dock This bitch had a cracked engine block.
[laughter.]
- Things were picking up, and then it happened.
Lenny got the call from carson Carson, california.
They got a pep boys out there, And they hired lenny to work on transmissions.
- We were all excited for lenny, but then he got bumped By a car.
An old lady was backing up in the pep boys garage.
[sighs.]
- Back at lou's, things started to get out of hand.
- The scene was changing.
People started bringing in escorts Ford escorts.
Eat me.
- I didn't like that scene, bro.
People were all paranoid.
It got ugly.
It got ugly.
Well, this chick comes in, Saying she got a problem with her volvo.
I was like, "hey, chica, don't talk to me.
Take it up with your gynecologist.
" [booing.]
- You stole my material.
- What are you talking about, bro? - Yeah, I found this material in your locker.
I was gonna use it to re-upholster my chevy.
- I never even heard of you, bro.
[bleep.]
.
- And then one day it all came to an end.
It was wild.
[laughter.]
- Hey.
Knock it off in here.
Jesus.
Get back to work.
- Me? No, I-I never performed there.
I, uh-- I played comedy clubs.
Made a ton of money.
A, uh, mechanic-shop break room-- It's a pretty illogical place To be performing stand-up comedy.
- Looking back, you know, it really was something.
You know, you just had some guys telling jokes in a break room.
Garry shandling brings his car in to get an oil change.
I go to pep boys.
I get bumped into by a car.
People bring ford escorts in, And some guy steals my upholstery material All in just a span of two days.
What a story A shitty story.
- Thank you! You people mean nothing to me! [laughter and applause.]
- Well, thanks for showing us that documentary, lou.
- Ah, no problem.
I'd sit around here and give you more great ideas for your show, But I got to go do an open-mic night.
They do it inside of an engine.
- Whoa.
- Yeah, I'll talk to you later.
All righty, mr.
Aukerman, here are your keys.
- Lou parvone! - Aukerman! - I'm sorry, boss.
Comedy bang! Bang! Has gone down the toilet.
And while in the case of fecal matter, That would be a good thing, For a tv show, that's horrible.
You're fired! - Looks like this is the end of the road, my friend.
- You know, you could've stuck up-- - Sayonara, scott, Which is japanese for hasta la vista.
- [sighs.]
I'm so sweaty.
We'll be right back with more andy dick.
Come on back.
That was, uh, interesting.
- You know, one of life's great joys is finding someone With whom you have a special connection.
- That's how I feel.
I feel that about you.
- Welcome back.
We're here with andy dick.
And, boy, we are just having such a great time.
And, andy, you said during the break that you have maybe The quintessential great talk-show story.
- I almost told this story on letterman, But I think it's more appropriate with you.
- Thank you so much.
We want to hear it.
- You're the best.
- This is gonna be good.
I can't believe this day has come.
Fired from my own tv show? [sighs.]
I always thought I would quit.
And as I walked out, I would show my boss my butt.
He'll never see my butt.
[sighs.]
Oh.
[sighs.]
Oh.
Oh! Oh! Ow! Dagnabbit.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Whoa--gah.
Hey! Hey! [sighs.]
My god, out of all the stories I have heard about blu-ray players, That is by far the best.
All right, we'll be right back with more andy dick.
Come on back.
[synthesizer music.]
[synthesizer music.]
- What I like is that you don't wear a suit or tie.
- Welcome back to the show.
We're here with andy dick.
And, andy, you were saying That you received something during the break.
- Yes, you're gonna want to hear this.
I got a telegram From the academy of television arts and sciences.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Listen to this.
"dear comedy bang! Bang! Stop.
"please build yourselves a larger mantel "because you'll need the extra space "for all the emmys you're gonna win.
"stop.
Hee-haw, and merry christmas.
Stop.
" - oh, my gosh.
That is amazing.
- Congratulations.
- Mm, I just realized.
- What? - I don't have enough money to build a bigger mantel.
- Oh, don't worry about that.
Take some of mine.
- Are you serious? - For sure.
Why not? - Oh.
- You know what? - Oh, my gosh.
What an amazing show we're having.
This is crazy.
- That's crazy.
- Get something for reggie too.
- I will get something for reggie.
[chuckles.]
great, well, we're having a great time here With andy dick, and I can't think of a better show.
- [sighs.]
Want a bite? - No, thank you.
What? - What's the matter, pal? Miss your bus? - Yeah, twice today.
- Ah.
Well, you know, every time you miss your bus, It creates a separate reality That follows what would've happened if you didn't.
- Pal, you sound like my second-favorite aerosmith song After line up-- crazy.
Now, you better get a grip, Or else I'm gonna sit somewhere else.
- Scott, listen to me.
- How did you know my name? - Somewhere right now there are two realities In which you did not miss those buses.
- What are you trying to say-- That every time a human being barely achieves something, It creates a divergent time stream In which they actually don't achieve that thing? - No, what I'm saying is, Every time you miss your bus, It creates a separate reality In which you, scott aukerman, did not.
- Just me? - Yes.
- And just when I miss a bus? - Yeah.
[laughter.]
- Andy dick, everyone.
- This is the most fun I've ever had.
- Me too.
- After you.
- [sighs.]
- I can tell you don't believe me.
Let me prove it to you.
- What are you talking about? Hey! Oh, god.
- You'll see! [cackles.]
- who are you? Wait, wait.
No.
Hello? No! Hello? Wait, no.
Hello? Wait, no.
No! Hello? [loud explosion.]
There aren't enough realities! [indistinct hymnal chanting.]
Oh, no.
No! Aah! - Great show.
You know, if hank aaron saw that show, He'd call michael jordan and say, "hey, we just both wasted our lives.
" - Thanks, boss.
Hey, where'd that mechanic put my car? [car alarm chirps.]
oh, there it is.
See you later.
- See you.
[tires screech.]
- Scott! , scott.
He's dead.
Where am I gonna find a host for the show now? - You know, I might have some experience with that.
[engine revving, crash.]
- The wolf dead.