Dan Vs. (2010) s02e16 Episode Script

Oh, come on! What is this, a soccer mom parade? You know educated people call it futbol! Hey! That was my space! It's opening day -- every man for himself.
Opening day of what? And how can you call yourself a soccer mom? What kind of monster consumes that much mayonnaise? Hey! I just got this washed six months ago! Wait a minute.
Cart loads of ridiculously huge products Deranged drivers clogging up my street Isn't it great? A magical store has taken over the worst part of town for the convenience of all! Oh, no.
The bargain drones have landed.
GIGUNDO-MA-wha! GIGUNDO-MART!!!! This is insanity, Mr.
Mumbles.
(dan o.
s.
) These shopping zombies keep coming in droves.
Who are these nameless, faceless sheep who fall for such cult-like lunacy? Why yes, I would like one of your mouth watering free samples, thank you.
MMmm-- Yello? What're you doing right now? Well Not interested.
Drop everything and get over here.
(chris sighs) What is it this time, Dan? Lawn gnomes? Wicker? Save that bored little sigh for date night with your wife, this is important.
I have to bring down Gigundo-mart.
Dan, what could you possibly have against economy-sized products, a cheery mascot, and preferred membership pricing? It's hogging all the parking, for one, and Hey, how do you know so much about it? Quinoa-based Vienna sausage? And who was that, and why do I hear an echo? Are you somewhere cavernous? Am I ever.
I mean--I mean--I mean, no.
No.
I mean, uh I gotta go.
Something stinks, Mr.
Mumbles.
YEOWLS Me? You're the one who bathes with your tongue.
Dancing Shadow to Eagle's Nest.
I have a visual on the target.
(spyboss on communicator) Copy that.
Engage the sr50 prototype.
Let's see what this baby can do.
Hi hon, how're things at the office? Same old same old.
How's the shopping trip? Grrreat! This place is amazing.
The cheese section has the biggest chubs of Camembert I've ever seen.
They even have specialty departments.
"Sporting Goods," "Optical," "Surgical" Wow.
That's a great price for an appendectomy.
Good to know.
Hey, I gotta run, but can you grab us some paper towels? Sure! I'll grab a pallet.
Eagle's Nest, the SR50 has been compromised I miss my SR49.
(greeter coughing) Welcome to gigundo-mart.
May I s--may I--May I see your membership card? Nah.
I'll just take a pat down.
Sorry, sir.
We don't do pat downs.
Members only.
Oh, in that case That's how we did it on San Juan hill.
I'll see myself out.
San Juan Hill? Not my fault that guy had a bad vacation in Puerto Rico.
(gasps) Ah-ha! So the truth is revealed-- Oh, hi Dan.
You're sleeping with the enemy.
I'm not sleeping with anyone.
Plus, this isn't the enemy.
It's just a store.
They sell things.
Things you might even want to buy.
Lighter fluid, crow bars.
.
My crowbar IS almost worn down to the nub But I'm not gonna buy one here! Right, You can't.
They come in an eight pack.
Look, I like Gigundo-mart's "buck busting values on things I use every day.
" Help me with these raccoon traps? I will not be an enabler.
Either boycott this behemoth or this friendship is finito.
So it's your way or the highway? Get this straight bulk-head: there is no highway! Just a lonely road with you on it! My choco-dillas are melting.
I'll see you later.
You wish! Who outsources production of a top secret prototype to the lowest overseas bidder? Ugh! This is why eight year-olds shouldn't work in factories.
Hey, you.
That's quite a haul.
I had no idea saving money could be so much fun Or cost so much.
Will that big wheel of cheddar even fit in the fridge? I'll make it fit.
Would you hand me a paper towel? Ah! I knew I forgot something.
Oh well, it's a good excuse to go back and check out the vitamin wing.
Excuse me, my gigundo friend, you seem burdened by that bale of cheese puffs.
Allow me to help.
That photo doesn't look like you.
I got liposuction last time I was here.
Aisle 16.
Have a gigundo day.
Attention sample gobblers, and you! The guy with his face in the twenty-nine cent pizza! This is a public service announcement.
Exposure to Gigundo-mart may cause dizziness, headache, nausea, and an unnatural attraction to bison or elk-- I learned this move on the b--on the be (cough) on the beaches of Normandy.
Shooting out or shooting in? You shut up! Dan! I could've hurt you! You've already hurt me, Chris.
The important thing is you came back to apologize.
Get out of my car, Dan.
You're taking up grocery space.
Nonsense.
Just get me to Wally's Hardware Emporium & Explosives Depot tout suite.
But Dan I-- (chris o.
s.
) Daaaaaannnnn -- ! I'm not helping you blow up Gigundo-mart, Dan.
It's the only place I'm truly happy.
If you're going to be in the revenge business, Chris, you've got to stop being so squeamish.
I'm not in the revenge business, I'm in the well, I'm between jobs, but that's not the point.
Hey, are you listening to me! Wha- where's all the good stuff? Sorry, boys, we had a liquidation sale.
We sold everything.
That fella got the last barrel of nitroglycerin.
I'm gonna show them fish who's boss.
Man, I wish I was that guy.
But why, Wally? Why? We're going out of business.
I can't compete with the prices at Gigundo-mart.
Are you happy now? Why would I? I told you that monstrosity was a monopoly that would crush mom and pop businesses like tiny grasshoppers, leaving nothing but the green goo of broken dreams.
That's sad.
And gross.
You'll see, Dan.
Once you get inside, you're gonna fall in love with the place just like I did.
Whatever.
Just stick to the plan.
Excuse me.
Is that a sixteen burner barbecue grill? Welcome to Gigundo-mart.
Have a gigundo day.
I always do! See Dan, isn't this place is just a little slice of heaven a la mode? Where else can you buy spray cheese and a hot tub in the same aisle? When I'm through, this place will be scorched earth! What's not to like here? They sell everything you could possibly want.
Do they sell.
retribution? Maybe not that.
Hmph.
Where are the jackhammers? Aisle twenty-seven.
Between the yogurt and the coffins.
Actually, scratch that.
I've got a better idea.
(forklift beeping) Clean up on aisle three! Dan! What're you doing? Clearly, I'm baking a cake.
Stop! You've gone too far.
You have got to get a grip on yourself, and -- I must have these Olives.
Yeah, I'm the one with the problem.
Ow! Ready for seconds, punk? (o.
s) Ouch! Never mess with a guy with a forklift.
Unless you've got a bigger forklift.
Uh Yes! Mixed nuts! Halt, you hoodlum! Never! En Garde! (dan o.
s.
) Aaahhhh! Dan! -- It's about time! Would you hand me that package of paper towels? Ugh Thanks.
Ha ha! Uh-oh.
Aaah! Bad day Need cookie.
Better than new.
Huh? Chris? Chris, what're you doing? Assembling this shed I bought at Gigundo-mart.
We need the extra storage for all the big bargains I bought at Gigundo-Mart.
Chris, is that-- ? Yep! A six-pack of mattresses! Did you buy a hundred pounds of ferret food? We don't have a ferret! Well, I know where we can get a whole bunch cheap! Chris,this is for your own good.
You're a bulk-buying addict.
Let me out! I'm missing so many bargains! Your bargain days are over, mister.
Out of the way! I need a chewey chipster stat! Hey, where is everybody? At Gigundo-mart -- they sell a cookie the size of a manhole cover or fifty cents.
What?!! Yeah, Ninja Dave is in back crying.
He gonna have to close too.
GIGUND-M -- Oh, wait, I already did that.
It was one thing when they took away my explosives.
But if they want my cookies, they'll have to pry them from my cold dead fingers.
I can't believe you don't have any explosives left.
Well Well what?! You holding out on me? There is my private reserve.
But I was saving it for the in-laws.
Fine.
I guess you're prepared to live in a world without chocolate chip ninja-doodles.
I can't believe you had a nuclear briefcase the whole time I've known you.
We're not that close.
If what you said is true, this thing'll vaporize everything within a quarter mile.
So we should probably set the timer for thirty seconds just to be safe.
Oh, they're hiring.
So what? Well, I do need a new job.
I heard this place has great benefits.
What about the cookies? Think of the cookies man! I need to cut down on sugar anyway.
Fine! Run away! You are a disgrace to arms dealers everywhere! Elise What're you doing here? Taking this place down.
I hate what Gigundo-Mart's done to my husband.
Psh.
What can you do that I can't? Awesome! Gimme, gimme! Mitts off, little man.
(Elise's phone rings) Hello? Chris, calm down.
The first step is admitting you have a problem.
Can you do that? NO! Must - go - shop.
So - cold.
Chris, these are withdrawal pains from going cold turkey.
Oh, they have such great deals on cold turkey Pickle relish by the drum Six pack of lawn mowers Psychiatric help five cents, the doctor is in.
Let me talk to him.
Maybe I can help.
Hey, Chris, buddy havin' a hard time? Uh-huh.
Good.
That's what you get for letting me down! Dan! Chris, hang in there and -- Hey! (coughing) Membership Card? Halt! B-bye, bulk bargains.
Dan! Wow.
Dan, you have dug your own grave.
Aawww, look at the itty-bitty Elise.
Whose got the teeny tiny angry face? You do.
Yes, youuuu.
Ouch! Heh hehehehehe.
Dan! Turn me back right now! I can't he-a-r-r-r-r you.
Stay there and be small and insignificant till I get back.
Huh, Chris is right, I do need a moisturizer.
Hey! Whoaaaah! You've breached our perimeter for the last time, sonny.
Back away, old man, and nobody gets shrunk.
I'll never abandon my post.
I'll defend Gigundo-Mart until the day I die.
Or 'til my shift ends.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
Note to self: make the SR51 lighter.
Uh-oh.
Ugh.
That's better.
Ugh.
Okay, Guess I'll take my break now.
Dan! Now, Elise Aren't you always saying that "revenge is a small minded solution?"-- Or something stupid? Get out of my way! Hey! That's not a good price for such a tiny amount of food.
This place is lousy.
(customer o.
s) (overlapping voices) No bargains there/ Tiniest samples/ Smallest hot tubs ever.
Well, my work here is done.
Mine isn't.
So, Chris, are going to be alright? I think I'm getting better! I no longer feel the urge to buy thirty pounds of oregano.
I got you a souvenir.
A model replica of Gigundo-mart -- cool.
It even has a tiny little man inside.
Oops.