Dharma & Greg s02e16 Episode Script

- T's okay, Greg.
You can ook.
- 'M sorry, ook at what? Oh, come on, the blond with the legs and the rack.
You had to see that.
Oh, her.
Didn't notice.
T's okay.
'M secure in our reationship.
I mean, I know that men are visually stimulated.
T's a bioogica fact.
A right, she's pretty.
So that would be somebody you'd go out with? - 'M not singe.
- But if? Okay, if I were single, maybe she'd be somebody 'd go out with.
That's a man, Greg.
- Was it worth all that just to set me up? - Do it again in a heartbeat.
Hey, Jeff.
- What are you doing? - Random act of kindness.
Meter maid's coming.
That's kind of nice.
Hey, just trying to be a good neighbor.
- That's not your car? - No.
Just a random act of kindness.
T's against the aw.
You can't put quarters in other peope's meters.
Wait.
How is it against the law to help somebody? Don't know, don't care.
Oh, but look at this car.
Look, it's got a baby seat in the back.
Right now the mother is probably struggling with a crying, hungry baby.
She's stuck because somebody's writing a check for $ 1.
98.
Don't you hate that? Hate that.
She knows the meter's running out and she's praying for a mirace and you, A.
Semetzki Is it Amy? Ann? Anyway, you and I could be that miracle.
Don't think so.
Wow, now I know what the "A" stands for.
You can't put quarters in other peope's meters.
Yes, can, "A".
Woudn't do that if were you.
- Random act of kindness.
- Dharma, don't.
A right.
Now 'm writing you a ticket.
Random act of kindness.
- That's another one.
- Dharma.
Is that another? Nice handwriting.
- Well - Eight tickets.
Lucky we talked her out of the assault charge.
Didn't assaut her.
Gave her a hug.
Yeah, random act of kindness.
Thank God meter maids don't carry guns.
We, 'm not paying these because they're wrong.
You have to pay them.
Excuse me, even you said that the law was wrong.
Know, but you can't fight city ha.
Hi.
'm here to fight city ha.
- Third floor.
- Thank you.
Number 37.
Yes.
That's me, number 37.
Heo.
'M Dharma Finkestein-Montgomery and I am here to fight city hall.
- 'M sorry.
- I got these tickets and - Second floor, room 206.
- And they' take care of everything? - Second floor, 206.
- Thank you.
Fifty-four.
- Five-four.
- Fifty-four.
That's me.
Hi.
'm Dharma Finkestein-Montgomery and I got these tickets - Cash, check or charge? - No.
Can't pay them Sixth floor, room 612.
- Okay.
They' take care of everything? - Sixth floor, room 612.
Got it.
One hundred twenty-nine.
One-two-nine.
Okay, hi, yeah, 129, that's me.
I got these tickets.
'M not going to pay them.
Reason for financial hardship? No, no, no.
There's no financia hardship.
Second floor, room 206.
No, no, no.
Two-oh-six is the cash-check-or-charge lady and I was already there.
- Do you have your receipt? - She didn't give me a receipt.
Eighth floor, room 899.
Don't need a dupicate receipt.
'M here to change an unjust aw.
Building permit? Don't even have a house.
No, you see what it was? It was just a random act of No, 'm not homeess.
I just have these tickets.
Cash, check or charge? No! You okay, Pete? Yeah, 'm fine.
Hey, Vaentine's Day is coming up.
What are you and Dharma gonna do? Go away for the weekend or maybe just, you know, go out for a nice dinner.
That sounds nice.
Can you hand me that affidavit? Sure.
Thanks.
Are you sure you're okay? Yeah, 'm fine.
What's going on with you and that gir? What's her name? Eieen? There is no Eileen.
I made her up.
But you said you met her parents and that they hated you.
They would have.
Hey, how'd it go? We, et's see.
Got a I got a fishing license.
I can open a bakery and as soon as I get this puppy notarized, 'm egay bind.
Honey, are you okay? Oh, you bet.
L I am okay.
Why do you ask? ' Make you some tea.
Oh, no, you're gonna make the tea and then you' te me I gotta go to a different husband to get the cup.
- Sit down.
- Know, then you' ca my number.
Two million and four, two million and four.
Hey.
Where's Dharma? Gotta tak to her.
Can't tak to her right now.
She's insane.
' Wait.
So, what's new? My life is empty and has no meaning.
Asked you what's new.
Just leave me alone, Jane.
F it's any consoation, my ife sucks too.
Yeah? That does kind of help.
Listen, Dr.
Laura hung up on me, so let me ask you: If your boyfriend is finally up for his parole and he deliberately blows the hearing, he's found someone ese, am right? Probably.
Great.
There goes my Vaentine's Day conjugal visit.
How did you get another ticket? I thought I was gonna be in there for a few minutes but when I came out, it was on my car because no one put quarters in my meter.
Here's the funny part, look who gave it to me, A.
Semetzki.
For a split second there, I thought I was going to go on a shooting spree but the line for the gun permits was long and I totally get why.
- T's not ike we don't know each other.
- We did sleep together once.
- T wasn't great.
- T didn't make us barf.
A right.
Let's get married.
Cool.
Dharma, why don't you just pay the tickets and forget about it? No, never.
Because didn't do anything wrong.
T's the aw that's wrong.
Just can't get anybody to isten to me.
Well, if you wanna fight the law go to the Board of Supervisors meeting.
They hear public complaints once a week.
You knew this? And you? You didn't te me? 'M sorry.
Thought everybody knew.
Everybody knows that, right, Pete? Pete? They were like brownies, but they didn't have nuts.
They had raisins.
Let me get this straight.
You wanna change the official San Francisco treat from Rice-A-Roni to that thing your mother used to make that you don't remember the name of.
Yes.
We' form a committee right away and get started on that.
- Thank you.
- Next.
I would like books with the following words removed from the public library.
"Rectum.
" "Sphincter.
" - "Tushie.
" - Next.
My name is Zandar Gamma Gamma Three.
And I bring you a message from the planet Gamma Gamma Three.
- "Greetings, peope of" - Next.
Thank you.
'M Dharma Montgomery.
First of all, I just wanna let you know how much I appreciate how difficult your job is here.
- Thank you.
- You're wecome.
I guess most of the requests you get are kind of out there but my problem is very simple.
I am a parking meter fairy.
- And all I did - That's it.
'Ve had it with you unatics coming in here week after week.
"The airport's too far from my house.
" "Just because Mom's dead doesn't mean we're not carpooing.
" "Look, ook, found Tony Bennett's heart.
" Well, you know what? I quit.
You can all go Let me through.
'm a doctor.
- Thank you.
Hello.
- Hello.
So, what's the big surprise? Well, Dharma wants to tell you herself.
Greg, do I hear the pitter-patter of little feet? No, no, you don't.
You know what I hear a lot? I hear this metallic hum.
Kind of sounds like a little factory that makes metal shoes.
No, Finkelstein, she meant a baby.
- Dharma's having a baby? - No, she's not having a baby.
And that's your big announcement.
Hey, guys, thanks for coming.
- Should we wait for Pete? - Haven't been abe to reach him.
Can't find Jane either.
Oh, we.
Let's just get started.
- I have an announcement.
- We heard.
Big deal.
- You told them? - L l - Go ahead.
- Okay.
I guess you heard that the guy on the Board of Supervisors died and they're having a specia eection to replace him, right? And guess who decided to run? - Greg? - No.
Me.
Oh, Dharma, 'm sorry.
I made a genital-based assumption.
My fellow gyno-American, please forgive me.
I forgive you.
And don't ever ca me that again.
Anyway, I was just trying to change a silly little parking meter law but before that guy's head even hit the floor I knew that the universe was trying to tell me something.
Get involved, Dharma, make a difference.
Oh, isn't that adorabe? We have our own little candidate.
Edward, I think someone here needs a campaign contribution.
- Well, how about a hundred? - You're not taking me seriousy.
Good for you, dear, drive a hard bargain.
Don't touch their money, Dharma, it's a dea with the devi.
Are you calling us the devil? You want her elected so she' wage war to support your military-industrial complex.
The San Francisco Board of Supervisors does not wage war.
Of course not.
They send the young boys.
Where have all the flowers gone? Answer me that.
You smoked them, Finkelstein.
A right, now, there's no need for us to raise our voices.
I mean, goodness, it's not as if she's going to win.
T's not about winning, Mother.
T's about participating and making your voice heard.
Excuse me.
You don't think can win? I think you should win if all things were fair.
But people like you are better than the kind of people who win.
- I mean - I know what you mean.
- No, l Let me try again.
- 'D stop now, son.
Can't beieve you don't think 'm a serious candidate.
Beieve you're serious.
Think you don't understand how difficut it is.
Dad, tell her what it takes to win a seat.
$ 78,400.
At east that's what the last clown cost me.
We, 've got news for a of you.
Not only am I going to win, don't need your money to do it because ' take my message to the people, wherever they are.
The malls, the supermarkets, the movie theaters those weird stores of lottery tickets and beef jerky.
That is where you will find San Francisco's next city supervisor: Dharma Freedom Finkelstein-Montgomery.
- Right on.
- Go, girl.
$ 78,000 and now he's dead.
You think we did the right thing? Yeah, I do.
So how about a kiss? What am I, your whore? 'Ve got my appication, my supporting documentation and my filing fee.
All I need you to do is just put your stamp right there and 'm officiay a candidate of the Board of Supervisors.
- Second floor, room 206.
- What? Room 206, second floor.
A right.
You know what, why don't we play a little game here, okay? Let's say take these documents and I go to room 206, second floor.
Then they send me to room 514, and then they send me to 901.
Then they send me to France where they wear the fancy pants.
But finay 'm a candidate.
And I run, and I run, and I run.
And I win.
First day on the job, "Good morning, Supervisor Dharma, nice briefcase.
" "Thank you, my husband gave it to me.
" "What woud you ike to do, supervisor?" "We, think woud ike to fire my friend, Mr.
D.
Abbott.
" Good luck.
Hi, 'm Dharma Montgomery and 'm running for the Board of Super Hi, 'm Dharma Montgomery and Hi, 'm Dhar 'm Dharma Montgomery.
Don't sam the door in my face.
'M running for the Board of Supervisors.
'D ike you to isten to what I have to say.
And if you agree with it, I would really appreciate your vote on election day.
'M sorry? And if you agree, I would really appreciate your vote on election day.
What is your position on child care? I definitely think the government should play a role in child care.
- Yeah.
- Great.
Justin.
This nice ady's gonna watch you for a while while Mommy goes to the grocery store.
- Thank you.
- Okay, ma'am? Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am? Lady? And as your supervisor it would be my job to help you in any way that I can.
Oh, terrific.
That sounds great.
Okay, you know what would help? In about 10 minutes, there's gonna be a ot of poicemen here.
What you could do is sit with me on my couch and say we've been here a day.
'M sorry, have come at a bad time? You were right, Greg.
What was I thinking? You can't give up after one bad day.
Greg, you have no idea what it's ike out there.
Peope won't even open the door long enough to take a flier.
You know what they do if you slip it under the door? They slip it back.
Sometimes with spit on it.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Larry, what's up? No, 'm pretty sure you caed me.
Hi, Abby.
What? Turn on Channel 7.
We' ca you right back.
While the special election to fill Supervisor Dawson 's seat is some weeks off, a few candidates have already begun campaigning.
Well, /'ll be honest with you, /'m a newcomer at this but / love this city.
And /'m just gonna go out there and knock on doors and tell people that Dharma Montgomery is someone who cares about them and who wants to make a difference in their lives.
No, honey, that was good.
/ feel that as the widow of Supervisor Dawson Well, kind of the widow because he was definitely leaving his wife for me.
- /'m like the hair to the throne.
Greetings.
/ am Zandar.
/ mean you no harm.
Well, this certainly will be a special election.
Now let's take a look at our weekend weather.
That's it? T's just me and those two? - You got a shot.
- Oh, 've got a shot.
Yeah! No, I totally agree, Larry.
Zandar is gonna be tough to beat.
Oh, can you hang on one second? Okay.
Improve your karma, vote for Dharma.
Oh, hey, Kitty, what's shaking? Yeah, I know, it does look like got a shot at it, doesn't it? Shocked the $50 panties right off your butt, didn't? Hey, Dharma.
Guess what we did for Vaentine's Day.
Oh, now you wanna make a donation to my campaign.
How much we talking about? Seventy-eight grand was yesterday's price, my friend.
Maybe we should come back and tell her later, sugar.
Sugar? What am I, your whore?