Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 s02e16 Episode Script

Every relationship has its own dynamic.
For example, my mom and I still like to talk every night before bed.
And then the dog found my other gardening clog.
And that's everything that happened to me today.
And the day's not over yet.
Let's put on some Lyle Lovett and get horizontal.
Mmm.
Okay, Bye.
Ew.
But I don't think I will ever understand Chloe and James' dynamic.
Good thing your face was so oily tonight.
I could check my makeup in your forehead.
I wish you had.
You look like a runner-up at a child's beauty pageant in ohio.
You look like you just got back from the douchie awards and you won five douchies.
Only award You could ever win is for letting rappers touch you.
I don't get how you guys talk to each other like that.
It's so mean, especially before bedtime.
It's not mean.
It's just us.
And what I don't get is what the hell you're wearing.
Oh.
They're my midwest breakfast pajamas.
I've had them since high school.
When I was in high school, you were a grown man pretending to be in high school on tv.
Watching me pretend to be in high school on Tv was as close to high school as you ever got.
You are agitating me.
I'm gonna need a second cup of chamomile to go to sleep.
Ooh.
Put some of these in there.
You'll sleep like you're dead.
I'm not perfect, I'm no snitch but I can tell you Ba-Da-Da-Da-Da-Ba, ba-Da-Ba ba-Da-Da-Da-Da-Ba, ba-Da-Ba June! Look at this backpack I found on the subway.
I think it belongs to a little kid, but it's still got good stuff in it.
Sorry.
Just taking a self-Portrait for my art show.
What do you think? This side, this side, or naked? Art show? Yep.
It's called "Different butter VIOLATIONS.
" Ooh.
How are you gonna violate butter? I hope you smack around some margarine.
I hate margarine.
Actually, I'm recreating some butter violations that I've encountered over the years as a health inspector.
You guys'll be there, right? Of course, Eli.
We wouldn't miss-- is there gonna be wine? Like, good wine? Like, wine I could drink this fast? Hello.
Is James there? Uh hey.
Uh, good news.
Brunch with Emily tomorrow is still on.
Are you sure? You haven't lost interest since we talked this morning? No.
Isn't that great? I can't wait for you to meet her.
She's really smart, positive attitude, great breasts.
You know what? Actually, "Great breasts" Before "Positive attitude.
" You--You should flip those in your mind.
How's my fade coming? That's not what your haircut's called.
Well, I'm excited to meet Emily.
I won't rock anything too slutty 'Cause I don't want to intimidate her.
But I do wanna Wear my new push-up bra, so I'm gonna have to figure this out.
I can't believe James has been seeing the same girl for a month.
It's so sweet that he likes her enough that he wants to introduce her to us.
It's like we're his parents.
Or his friends, June.
Or just his friends.
Oh, I know this place.
I ran out on a check here once.
But it's okay.
I was wearing a wig.
Hey.
Thank you for coming.
This is the lovely Emily.
You must be Chloe.
It's such a pleasure to-- Veto.
Ohh.
I'm sorry.
We have to break up.
This was fun, though.
W--I don't-- I don't understand.
I-- James and I have veto power over whoever the other one dates.
Yeah, if one of us yells "Veto," the other one has to honor it and end the relationship immediately.
You're saying that like it's a thing, and it is not.
It is a thing.
It's our thing.
We've been doing it forever.
Ever since Chloe wanted to date nascar champion Jeff Gordon.
Veto.
What?! veto! What?! ve-- veto! But Jeff Gordon is a celebrity, so you're in good company.
Bye forever.
Uh do yourself a favor, though.
Come back here sometime and try the cinnamon buns.
They're amazing.
How could you vet Emily so quickly? You didn't even know her.
I didn't need to.
It's like a special power.
Some people have special powers Where they can't see, and some people have special powers Where they can't hear.
Those are blind and deaf people.
They're actually lacking powers.
My special power is, I know when James' relationships are going to end badly.
I don't know how I do it, but I take one look at the girl and it's like I "Beautiful mind" it.
And trust me, if he kept going out with her, he'd become soft and complacent.
That poor girl.
You vetoed her right to her face.
She didn't even get any bread.
June, if you're not being completely honest with your friends, then you're not helping them be the best that they can possibly be.
By the way, you're using the wrong foundation for your skin tone, it actually clashes with your skin tone.
It's like your face is one girl, and your neck is another.
I just bought a whole tub of this stuff! I don't know.
I almost think too big is worse than too small.
I know.
That's because you a guy.
But trust me, if you're a woman, small just makes your nose look giant.
Are you guys still talking about penises? No, we've moved on to sunglasses.
Did we? Oh.
Special k is calling.
She just got back from thailand.
I gotta go.
Ooh, spec-- What up, bitch? Shut up, bitch.
I am in, bitch.
Ooh! Special K just told me about a party that's happening right now where spike Lee is angry.
James has been dying to work with him.
We've gotta go.
Oh, my god! I love him! This is gonna be so much fun! I memorized every word of do the right thing.
" Please recite it to me while I do my hair.
"Let me tell you a story about the right hand, left hand.
"It is a tale of Good and evil.
Hate--It is with this hand that Cane iced his brother.
" Grab your least annoying fedora, James! We're going to see spike.
Chloe.
I can explain.
What is she doing here? I vetoed her.
Yeah, I, uh I didn't end up doing that.
Hi, Emily.
I'm June.
We met at brunch.
"Norbit"! I hated this movie until I realized that's Eddie Murphy, that is Eddie Murphy and guess what? That is Eddie Murphy.
Oh, my God.
You're clothed under there.
Why don't I give you guys time to talk? I'll go stand in the dining room.
won't be awkward that I can see you, and you can see me.
Talk.
I I-I-I don't know what to say.
She likes me for me, not the guy on tv.
Right, em? Oh, it's True.
I didn't even know he was on a show.
Ugh, veto! I veto your face.
Chloe, it's done.
You can't just override the veto.
Or can he? This isn't the first time James hasn't honored the veto.
Ugh! Luther! Sorry, James.
I couldn't resist.
Chloe's shock-Snapped me so many times.
Your relaxer got discontinued.
Fire island exploded.
Patti Labelle died.
All right, Chloe, listen to me.
It's True I haven't always honored the veto, but only times when I really, really liked the girl.
Or wanted to keep sleeping with her.
That doesn't make it okay.
And you broke up with Those girls anyway, which means I was right to veto them.
Yeah.
Eventually, those relationships ended, but I decided when, not you.
I mean, you can be a little Mm, difficult.
sometimes it's easier just to tell you one thing and then do something else.
So you've just been humoring me? No! No.
Well I mean Yeah, technically.
Okay, you know what? This isn't gonna work.
Chloe, listen.
I told you.
I'm not gonna break up with Emily.
No, I meant you and me.
This isn't gonna work.
I think we should take a break.
Maybe we should.
Fine.
But don't come running to me when your career suffers because your relationship with her makes you soft and complacent.
Well, don't you come running back to me when you realize how difficult it is to live in a beek-Less world.
This is serious.
We should do something.
They're breaking up! Don't worry.
I've got this.
Hey! No! Too slow, ho.
I stole spike Lee's baseball hat.
I'm not wearing it.
I won't wear it.
But it's fun to hold.
Give me your keys.
I'll put 'em in there.
I can't believe you went to that party after you and James broke up.
You guys have been friends for seven years.
It is a big deal.
It happens.
Friendships die.
Hats get stolen.
Keys go in them.
Well, you can pretend you don't care, but I can't.
You both mean a lot to me, and I am not going to choose sides.
I did that one weekend when my parents split up.
I chose my dad-- June, can you save this awesome story for when you're hanging out with James? Thanks.
Hello, ladies.
Not to sound like "That guy," but my art show Flyers are ready.
Cool! I'm excited.
I love butter.
Why? Because you're from one of Those states where Cholesterol's a food group? What are you talking about? Do your people eat straight from the churn or do they use plates? Chloe, I'm not doing this mean thing with you.
Does anyone in your family have their original knees? Oh, god, I don't know if it's allergies or what, but there's something in there.
Oh, forget it! You're terrible at this! Hello, former friend of James.
I have taken the liberty of returning all the possessions you left at his place.
Your handcuffs, a goo goo dolls cd another Goo Goo dolls cd, and a map to Ted Danson's house.
Great, because I also put together a box of things that James left here.
That is weird.
I have that same back scratcher.
And that is a photo of my dog Maisie! This is my stuff! Oh, you caught that, huh? I was gonna say, James already has two back scratchers.
You're looking at 'em.
Mmm! It's amazing.
Nobody has ever cooked in this kitchen before.
He was keeping money in the oven.
Ha! I just think it's great that I can be friends with both you and Chloe.
I'm gonna be totally neutral, you know? I'm not picking my dad again.
Well, sounds like there's a story here, June.
Let's blow past it.
Oh.
I'm not picking sides, but I do think that you and Chloe shou-- I'm--I'm gonna stop you right there.
I don't need to hear anything about Chloe.
I know exactly what's gonna happen.
The next time she projectile vomits in a club full of 20-Somethings, she's not gonna have me to pay the dry cleaning bill.
Okay, she didn't really projectile Vomit all over-- last wednesday.
Twice last month.
Saw the pictures of your dinner with James on Instagram last night.
Oh, yeah, it was fun.
Yeah, it looked like it.
Uh, did you see the pictures I posted? No, I didn't.
Oh, right! I didn't post any pictures, because I was home alone watching a documentary about snakes.
All, this is Beckett Everett.
He's got four t's in his name, he just did a three-Episode arc on "High school Fangs.
" Thank you.
Oh, my God.
You were the best part of the new Orleans 1800s flashback season.
Yes, he was.
He's the next James Van der beek, only he's gonna be even huger and Better.
His head is better proportioned than James' was at that age.
Chloe, you can't replace James.
Yes, I can.
I replaced my shoes, I replaced my dog, I replaced my roommate until you put down roots of steel.
Superman was the man of steel.
That was random.
Why would you say that? Did your handsomeness just Leak into your brain? Can that happen? Ugh! God! Why is everyone So bad at this? Can I have $200 to pay my cell phone bill? I've been been prank calling Kelly Osbourne more than usual.
I don't have $200.
I've only done, like, three episodes of "H.
S.
F.
," and I'm supporting my mom.
She's also my manager.
I call her my "Momager.
" Thank you.
La-La, la-La, la Hey, Chloe, it's me.
I guess you paid your bill, because I'm leaving you this message.
Just wanted to make sure you're okay, because I haven't seen you since yesterday when you stormed out on Beckett Everett who also has five "E's" in his name.
No one else noticed it.
Anyway, call me.
Luther.
Are you okay? I've seen something, and I'm conflicted.
I don't know what to do or how to feel.
I do you want to come in? I don't think so.
Do you at least want to take off your coat? No.
No.
Oh, god.
Did something happen to Chloe? Mm-hmm.
Did she spiral out without James? Is she in jail? Is she dead? Is she dead in the street? Unh-Unh.
Oh-Oh, oh-Oh, oh-Oh I-I just I don't Oh-Oh, oh-Oh Chloe has a job working at gloss mobile? It's awful.
But also kind of funny.
Like a tornado ripping through a banana factory.
I saw it on youtube.
People and bananas, swirling and swirling It's sad.
Oh-Oh, oh-Oh What is she doing? Come on.
We gotta go in and talk to her.
Mnh-Mnh.
I don't act until I know how I feel.
I learned that lesson when I tried to throw myself into my mother's Coffin.
Mm.
Chloe? Um do you work here at--At gloss Mobile? I'm sorry.
You're gonna have to take a number.
But there's no one else around.
Number, ma'am.
Hi.
Welcome to gloss mobile.
How can I help you? Are you interested in an accessory for your device today? Chloe, what are you doing here? I don't know.
I came in to pay my bill, and I got into it with customer service about rollover minutes, and the next thing you know I was working here.
Is this because You need money since you and James-- June, this has nothing to do with money.
I have plenty of scams to generate money.
I'm here because I love it.
Um, did you call 10? Twice.
I've moved on to 11.
You're supposed to stay within the vicinity.
I was standing right over there.
I didn't hear you call 10.
Ironic that you'd be a 10, seeing as how you're clearly a 2.
You're awfully confident for a grown woman with Bangs.
Let me guess why you're here.
You dropped your phone in the toilet while caressing your hot dog and grapes? Ew.
Those foods don't even go together.
I'm gonna switch carriers.
Ha! Good luck with that.
Check your contract.
We own your ass.
Ahh.
So satisfying.
Chloe, I think I know what's happening here.
You are trading insults with customers because you miss doing that with James.
No.
I know it doesn't seem like me.
But I really think I found my niche-- I learned that word in training.
I love glo-Mo.
I signed up for 90 hours this week.
I tried to sign up for more, but apparently, that's all they're open.
I mean, no wonder the Chinese are beating us.
I'm numbers 12 through 25.
I have a lot of questions.
Wait, I'm confused.
Isn't it a good thing that Chloe has a job? She's clearly hurting.
Chloe isn't the kind of person who gets a paycheck, or who heats things up in the microwave at lunch.
This is the kind of thing that she spent her whole life trying to avoid.
This is her rock bottom.
You're describing really normal things in a really dramatic way.
She was wearing pleated pants.
And her shoes my god, her shoes orthopedics.
Solid black.
Dead as night.
You know what this is? This is Chloe in a beek-Less world.
Eli.
Are you okay? I've seen something I was at my art show, which you're all late for, by the way.
I saw it, and I had to leave and come find you.
I just I don't know.
Oh-Oh, oh-Oh, oh-Oh oh-Oh oh-Oh, oh-Oh, oh-Oh oh! Hey, gang! Oh, my.
James is a giant Peach.
Yes, I know.
I put on a little weight since the last time I saw you.
I just had dinner with you two days ago.
Yeah.
I'm--I'm a quick fat.
When I'm happy, I tend to put on weight like that.
But it's okay.
Emily doesn't mind.
No.
Right, em? Show them how you rub my belly.
Oh, I think he's adorable.
He's my jiggly wiggly jigglepuss.
I'll get some cheese cubes.
All right.
Ahh! I tell you, I just feel so comfortable with Emily, with myself.
It just I just feel good in my own body.
But, James y-You're an actor.
Aren't--aren't you worried about your career? Nah.
Many fine actors have had dramatic weight gains and just kept right on Working.
Uh, Val Kilmer, Vince Vaughn, Steven seagal.
I find all three of those people hard to look at.
Anyway, this isn't about me.
This is about Eli and his show.
Right? I mean, look at this! Ah! James is voluntarily deflecting attention from himself.
This is his rock bottom.
That has got to be Eli's mother.
It's Eli in a dress.
Hey.
Sorry, I'm late.
I couldn't leave work early because my manager raj is being a real hard ass.
but I respect him.
Hey.
Hey.
Look.
They're back together.
They realized what a mess they are without each other and they're gonna talk.
Your velcro's crooked.
Thanks.
You've got frosting in your hair.
Oh.
I-I had frosting earlier.
That's it? That can't be it.
You know what? I'm done.
I'm not gonna stand back here and watch them throw away this beautiful friendship.
No more being neutral.
I choose mom and Dad.
Hey, look.
You guys are friends, so you should be acting like it.
I mean, look at each other! Chloe, you should say something I don't know, like, fat to him.
And then, James, you should say something about how lame gloss mobile is.
Then, Chloe, You'll be all like, "Well, you know what? You're even fatter than I said you were before.
" And then James will be all like, "Well, you know what? I'm faster than glo-Mo data transfers.
" And then Chloe will be like, "Well, what is it like competing against Brian Dennehy for roles?" and then James will be all like, "Oh, well, what is it like competing against lesbians For shirts?" Back and forth! Insults! Tears! Laughter! Hugging? Yes! They're hugging! She's got butter on her Butt.
Butter Butt.
I Oh, god.
I was standing against Eli's wall.
She's trying to wipe it off.
She's got it on her sweater.
Sweater butter.
Oh, now Luther's gettin' in there.
Butter Butt rubber.
Butter Butt rubber.
Okay, come on.
Obviously, I'm not doing so well.
Yeah.
Me, neither.
Nice neck pen.
At least I have a neck.
I've missed this.
You're right.
I got soft and complacent without you around to keep me sharp.
I don't wanna live in a beek-Less world.
It's too gruesome.
Yesterday, I had to fill out something called a w-2 form.
I mean, I wrote the word "Balls" In every section, but still I had to fill it out.
What is this? Get rid of this.
Excuse me.
There you go.
Can I have a glass of Champagne, please? Thanks.
Don't ever blow off my veto again.
I say we just veto the vetoes.
Okay, good, because Jeff Gordon called.
He's driving 500 times in a circle and then he wants to hang out.
Oh, you guys made up! Yay! I saved another relationship.
You know, when I got my mom and dad back together-- You weren't standing 10 feet from a dinosaur made of rancid butter, which you haven't even looked at yet.
None of you have looked at it.
Look at it! you're lucky you're a quick thin.
I know.
That got rough.
I was having trouble seeing my Dong in the shower.
It's always kind of been hard to see.
Right, Emily? Emily.
I'm so sorry.
We got off-Track there.
Uh, listen.
It's not gonna work out between us.
I got fat on your watch.
But James, I don't understand.
I like you no matter what you look like.
Yeah, that's the problem.
Yeah, see, I'm looking for someone to give me conditional love.
I already have someone who gives me unconditional love.
That's me.
Full-Fat milk? I mean veto! I veto Luther.