Grown-ish (2018) s02e16 Episode Script
Self Care
1 Hustle a lot, hustle a lot, I'm all I got ZOEY: After a recent string of setbacks, things were finally starting to look up for young Zo-Zo.
Snitches get stitches, money get I'd successfully held down a job at the bookstore for two weeks and only called in sick twice.
Shout-out to my work ethic! And I'd even complied with their basic-ass khakis dress code.
I was officially on my way to financial freedom.
- [Ding!.]
- I'm tired and hungry Well, not exactly freedom.
- [Ding!.]
- Hustlin', hustlin', hustlin', hustlin' But at least like a halfway house situation.
But that wasn't all.
My academics had also improved.
- [Ding!.]
- Eating on steak and shrimp Hustle a lot, hustle a lot After all the hard work it took to get my life back on track, not to mention getting my car back from Dad, I decided it was time to reward myself with a weekend devoted to self-care.
And as much as I deserved it, my girls needed it even more.
With Ana having her Aaron problems, and Nomi's situation with Professor Hewson, I decided to take the MLK weekend - [Horn honks.]
- and get out of town for a girls' self-care retreat.
Whoo! Send you straight to meetcha maker And where better to do that than at my parents' empty house.
[Sighs.]
Ladies welcome to serenity.
JUNIOR: Psh.
More like paradise.
M'lady.
M'nightmare.
Watch out, world, I'm grown now I'm grown Learn something new every day I don't know, so I'm-a feel my way Got the weight of the world on me But no regrets, this is what I say Watch out, world, I'm grown now - I'm grown - You can tell me My heart beating so loud Mama, look, I'm grown now I'm grown What are you doing here?! And why in the world did you not go skiing with the rest of the family? You may not realize it, Zoey, but it is exhausting being our baby brother's primary caregiver.
Sometimes, I need a break from skin-to-skin, and so does Devante.
Whatever.
Please just do not bother us this weekend.
Okay, Zoey! I see you! Come through, Johnsons! You know, I'm almost not mad at you for making us miss the Martin Luther King Parade for the first time in our lives.
- Mm-hmm.
- Zo, I thought that you said you grew up wealthy, but I mean, are these floors even heated? [Scoffs.]
Ladies! Welcome! Please, make yourselves at home.
There are plenty of beds for everyone.
I mean, obviously, you are welcome to crash with me, assuming that you're not allergic to spider silk.
Um can I actually talk to you alone for a second? Night mare.
Junior.
Sweet, sweet Junior.
How do I say this gently? You know, me and you, we shared one drunken, sweaty night on the dance floor, and you made it rain on me, but, uh, that's pretty much where it ends.
You know, you're my girl's brother, and I I just don't want this to become a a "thing.
" Say no more.
I can read between the lines.
- Okay.
- You're afraid I'll hurt you.
Plus dating a single parent isn't for everyone.
ZOEY: You are not Devante's father! [Snaps fingers.]
[Whispers.]
Spider silk.
I'm disturbed.
[Sighs.]
Okay.
Yeah.
It's all taken care of.
Great! Well, in that case we are here this weekend to cleanse our mind, body, and soul.
Excuse me.
I know Jesus.
My soul stays clean.
Okay, well, that means no phones or social media, and definitely no alcohol, drugs, or junk food.
[Crunches.]
[Muffled.]
Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not going through this breakup without carbs.
Do you have spaghetti that I can dip this in? Honey, it wasn't, like, really a breakup.
- Yeah.
- You're right.
- [Scoffs.]
- I don't even get the dignity of a breakup title because I didn't even get the relationship! Uh, well, this this here is exactly why this weekend is so important.
We need to heal ourselves because no one else will.
Right.
So how exactly does the healing happen? - Mm-hmm.
- Good question.
By treating ourselves well, clearing our heads, and relaxing, which actually brings me to our first self-care activity.
[Giggles.]
Ooh! Adult coloring books.
Ugh, white-people shit.
[Scoffs.]
And on MLK weekend.
Mnh-mnh.
Hi, it's me, Aaron.
I'm a part of the Hawkins Brotherhood.
While we here at Cal U enjoy beautiful, well-kept facilities, our surrounding community isn't so fortunate.
There's no net here.
How do you know if you make it or not, you know? So But we want to give these kids the park they deserve.
Uh, so, let's clean up this park and pass a long-lasting legacy.
[Bleep.]
[Chuckles.]
- [Scattered applause.]
- There you have it.
There you have it.
You guys feel that? That is why we are here.
We have four regulation basketball courts here in these privileged walls of Cal U, but the kids on the next block don't even have a net to put on their hoop.
So, I want us to dig deep, and let's show these kids that Titans care! We're taking donations right here.
So, uh, yeah.
We Titans care! All right, whoo! - [Scattered applause.]
- All right.
Play the music, play the music.
Thank you.
Enjoy yourselves.
[Clears throat.]
- What do you guys think? - Call the cops, man! We murdered that video.
Don't call anyone yet.
We didn't murder anything, okay? We still need donations.
What are we looking like on that? $50 $50.
Are you kidding me? That's it?! Guys Bro, yo, give it some time, playboy.
Yo, this joint's just getting started.
Doug, I need you circulating, getting this conversation started.
We need donations.
Vivek, this music What is it? Wrong.
We need something that makes people want to give.
Like, uh, Gucci Mane or, um Michael McDonald.
- Gotcha.
- All right.
As for me, it's go time.
Ma'am! Oh, isn't this so soothing? No, it's whack.
I did not miss the MLK parade to color dumbass mermaids.
We need some drinks.
[Chuckles.]
[Singsong voice.]
Look what I brought! Yes! Let's celebrate these civil rights.
What? N-No! Guys, this weekend is not about celebrating civil rights.
Huh? And that sounded rough.
Um, it is.
But it is also about celebrating us.
What kind of dry and dusty celebration is this? I am bored as hell.
- Yeah.
- Yes! - Excuse me.
- I will get the cups! Aw, y'all, we're gonna do the ASMR videos next.
NOMI: [Clears throat.]
"Dear Diary, Steve Newcomb is def the Lupe Fiasco of our middle school.
His Vines are like so on fleek!" Oh, my God.
Where did you get that? I don't know, some random, sealed box that had your name on it and said "do not open.
" - No.
Well, guess what.
- Hmm? My diary is not for public consumption.
Respect my privacy.
Oh, come on! You have us locked up in this bougie subdivision with no phones, no TV, and no [bleep.]
.
Let us have some fun.
#self-care.
- Fine.
- Yes.
But I will be doing the reading.
- Okay.
- Yes! Oh, my God, this one.
"Dear Diary, I can't believe my mom came to the roller rink where Steve Newcomb and I were couple skating.
O.
M.
G.
, tonight my life literally ended.
" So what happened? Well, okay, all I did was borrow a jacket she already told me I couldn't, but I mean, it was so dope like, big, white collar, striped, couture, you know? Okay, that's baby bullshit compared to what happened with Sky when she wrote down about her first oral sex experience in her diary.
- Wait, how old were you?! - Okay, hold on.
[Ding!.]
Okay, I thought it meant just talking about sex, okay? [Laughter.]
So one day, ashy-backed Gerald [Ding!.]
decided to tell the whole class a sex story during recess, and then I went home and wrote in my diary that I'd had oral sex with ashy-backed Gerald Wait for it.
and then our dad read it.
- Ohh! - Oh, my gosh.
- That's so embarrassing! - Are you serious? - Whoa! - [Clears throat.]
Sorry for the interruption, ladies, but I just worked out.
Please try not to stare.
You might hurt your eyes.
[Laughter.]
Ignore him.
Um, oh, wait, guys.
Listen to this.
This one is hilarious.
Um "Dear Diary, Hailey thinks she is so friggin' cool with her rose gold iPod Touch" - [Chuckles.]
- "but I don't even care because while she's making Harlem Shake videos, I'm over here setting goals.
" [Chuckles.]
"By the time I'm 20, I'll have my own blog" Well, I had a makeup vlog in, like, high school, so chiggity check! - Okay.
- Okay.
"I'll start my own fashion label" You didn't do that.
"which Frank Ocean will wear in one of his videos for like his fifth album" [Scoffs.]
That definitely didn't happen.
"I cannot wait to leave L.
A.
the moment I turn 18 and take the world by storm.
I know it'll be difficult juggling being a college student and having a fashion career, but I know I can do it.
" Oh, Zoey, you know what else you didn't do? - Hmm? - Any of that! [Laughs.]
Sorry, Diary.
But you did eventually get an iPod Touch that I broke, so ZOEY: Reading "Young Zoey's" dreams and realizing how short "College Zoey" had fallen of accomplishing them, it became clear I didn't deserve to be rewarded at all.
What are you doing, Zo? You okay? Yeah, I don't know.
Look at all this stuff ribbons and good grades and birthday cards from my dad to his favorite child.
This was me less than three years ago, and I I just I just feel embarrassed.
Like, how did I get so far off track? Okay, Zoey, step away from the box.
Sit down.
It's okay.
Embarrassment is being dumped on your own balcony by a guy you're not even in a relationship with.
I would've jumped.
Or pushed his ass.
Either way, somebody would've wound up - on that street.
- Yeah.
Okay, but I'm working at a bookstore.
That has nothing zero to do with fashion.
I totally get starting at the bottom it's necessary but this isn't even the right bottom.
Like, I should be so much further ahead.
I get it.
I thought I'd be some Olympic gold medalist by now.
And Sky would at least be bronze.
Your mama's bronze.
All right, you guys, we need to relax here.
We're 19, okay? We have plenty of time to establish our careers and our love lives.
Well you can say that, Nomi, because you're good.
You have straight A's.
No financial pressures.
No relationship drama.
Oh, my God, come on.
You guys are acting like I live this charmed life with, like, heated floors and organic applesauce.
Okay, I have I have things that I'm dealing with.
- Like what?! - Name one.
Just one.
Like I'm dating Professor Hewson.
- What?! - Huh? - Huh? - Hold on.
What?! Who? How's it looking? Horrible.
Got it.
Uh, excuse me, fellas.
Hey, not to interrupt, uh I don't know if you saw me.
I'm Aaron, the dude from the video earlier well-directed, well-acted and I was just asking, uh, if you'd be willing to donate to these kids in our community, man.
It would help out a lot, and I see your kicks, so I know you got it.
All right? Yeah, I'm wit' it.
Love what you're doing.
Really? Thank you.
That means a lot, bro.
Guys, you see what I'm talking about? This man, um - Mauricio.
- Mau Mauricio is stepping up and being the change that he wants to see in the world.
Now, Mauricio just generously donated to us $5.
$5? What are these kids supposed to do with $5? Um, I said "be the change," not "give me change.
" - Do you wanna up this - Bro, relax.
On top of that $5, I paid $10 to get in.
Fall back.
Fall back.
How about you fall back on my drinks? I've seen you drink at least $30 worth of Cuban rum, but all you can give these kids is $5? That's the type of man you are? Man [bleep.]
you and them kids.
- Who you talking to? - Chill.
- Y'all better get your boy! - No, who you talking to?! He don't know 'Ricio.
Like, for real, for real.
No, you know what? All y'all drinking and eating for free, you don't give a damn about the community! Is Professor Hewson the one who called you a misogynist? You called me a misogynist.
- Yeah.
- Hold up, is that how you got an "A" in that class while I've been busy busting my ass over this boring feminism propaganda? No.
I got an "A" because I'm an "A" student.
And we didn't even start dating until the semester was over ish.
Even so, she's still the professor, and you're the student.
You don't think that's a messed-up power dynamic? Is it? They're two consenting adults.
- Yeah.
- With a 20-year age difference! So what? It works out for Sarah Paulson and whatever old lady she's dating.
And can you imagine how wrong it would feel if she was a 40-year-old male professor? But she's not, and a lot of things would be different if the genders were reversed.
Guys, I honestly think it's fine.
Well, how do you feel? You've just been sitting here quiet the whole time.
I mean, I'm sure you have something to say.
Mm-hmm.
I already know how Zoey feels.
- Yeah.
- How? What? Wait, you told her? [Gasping.]
Not exactly.
Wow! We are the most secret-keeping group of bitches I have ever met.
[Exhales sharply.]
I'm proud of us.
Okay, fine, you know what? I-I think I think that Nomi is an amazing human being, and I honestly trust whatever she chooses is right for her.
And that's Professor Hewson.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Thank you, Zoey.
Of course.
But I still think that telling the both of you was a big mistake.
You guys are honestly being harsher than Paige even predicted you would be.
Okay, you know, no judgment, Nomi, just pure curiosity.
Like, what led you to smashing our gross old-lady professor? Okay, you're gross, first of all, and Paige is amazing, okay? And we have a real connection.
She's smart, and she's interesting, and she's given me so much great life advice.
I mean, she's the reason why I was honest and finally came out to my parents, okay? - Mm-hmm.
- I'm really happy for you.
Thank you.
I'ma pray for you.
Yeah, you know what? This is exactly why Paige told me not to say anything, because people - are narrow-minded.
- Okay, fine.
I'ma pray for Paige's old ass, too.
Mm-hmm.
God is good.
I need to smoke.
- I need a drink.
- I need spaghetti.
Are you serious? [Sighs.]
Okay.
We're just six hours into my self-care weekend, and it's already a total bust.
Per usual, yet another one of my well-intentioned goals just dies a-a painful - [Jazz screams.]
- Oh, my God! Uh! - Oh, my God! - What happened? [All gasp.]
Excuse you! What?! I thought we were practicing self-care.
Hmm.
[Gagging.]
- Don't worry about them.
- Okay.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow! [Inhales sharply.]
I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty happy that the heat about inappropriate relationships is off me.
Oh.
What? She's the one who brought up self-care at me, and I was just trying to stay on theme.
[Laughter.]
Wha It is not funny, guys! - I'm sorry.
- It's kinda funny.
I do not know what the hell is so amusing about all this! I mean, I just watched my little brother and one of my best friends in the tub doing God knows what to your feet! Oh, I can tell you.
TOGETHER: No! Ugh! You know what? Self-care weekend is officially over, so y'all can do whatever you wanna do because I have failed.
NOMI: Listen, okay, you made a valiant effort, but you can't just carve out a weekend and then suddenly - expect everything to be solved.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, Zoey, it's like how you are with your curls.
It just doesn't happen overnight.
- It's a process.
- Mm-hmm.
First you start off by trimming off the dead ends, then you gotta find the right products, then you pineapple it at night, and then you plunk it in the morning.
It's about maintenance.
Just like self-care.
Yeah, you practice a little bit of it every day.
And, you know, you can't get curl and life goals in one weekend.
Wow, you're right.
Well, you know what? I just wish you would've told me that before I spent my last check on those coloring books.
- [Laughter.]
- I said I wanted spaghetti! JAZZ: Yes.
Should we have, um, spaghetti and wine? - I would really love that.
- Spaghetti and wine! Spaghetti and wine! Spaghetti and wine! Yo, bro, you need to calm that down, man.
Real talk, you don't want problems with 'Ricio.
This can't just be about Mauricio and that dumb donation.
No, it's not just that, okay? It's the fact that I I've been busy being an R.
A.
, I've been busy partying, and this whole Zoey and Ana thing.
You know? This is the first time this year that I've done a fundraiser, and I couldn't even get a stack to help clean up a park, you know? I've I just feel like I've lost focus.
Hey, come on, man.
Don't be so hard on yourself, man.
Look.
I think if you take a look at this total, you'll see you surpassed your goal.
Are you serious? You You did this? Yeah, man! You inspired me! Yeah, I see you out here doing your little activism thing, and I admire that.
And plus, I'm a very successful drug dealer, you know.
I am genuinely touched, man.
Thank you.
All right, cute, but y'all wanna wrap this up? We're sitting ducks out here.
Big 'Ricio never forgets, man.
Man, will you chill, please? Nobody's worried about Big 'Ricio.
- Hold up.
- What? Why does that Jetta not have his headlights on? [Tires squeal.]
Go, go, go, go, go, go! So, in some weird way, the self-care weekend had actually turned out to be a success.
We didn't need all the coloring books, tea, or clean eating.
Apparently, we just needed some quality time to purge some of our secrets.
- [Cheering.]
- And a good laugh at my brother's expense.
There we go! "Dear Diary, if I had to pick one thing to do for my 14th birthday party, it would be to raid my mother's closet and do a fashion show with my best friends.
" [Gasps.]
Here it is the infamous jacket.
- This woman throws nothing away.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my gosh.
Dude, your mom's clothes are so sick.
I know.
I mean, this jacket was almost worth the roller-rink humiliation.
- [Chuckling.]
- Oh, yeah.
- [Gasps.]
- Huh? - Wh - You guys You know what we should do? [Gasps.]
[Gasps.]
Yes, please.
- [Cheering.]
- Mirror, mirror on the wall Don't say it 'cause I know I'm cute Ooh, baby Louis down to my drawers LV all on my shoes - Ooh, baby - I be drippin' so much sauce Gotta been lookin' like - Ooh, baby - Lit up like a crystal ball That's cool, baby, so is you That's how I roll If I'm shiny, everybody gonna shine Yeah, I'm goals I was born like this, don't even gotta try Now you know I like Chardonnay, get better over time So you know, it ain't my fault That I'm out here gettin' loose Gotta blame it on the Gotta blame it on my juice Ya-ya-ee Ya-ya-ee, ya-ya-ee Ya-ya-ee Blame it on my juice Blame it, blame it on my juice Ya-ya-ee Ya-ya-ee Ya-ya-ee, ya-ya-ee Ya-ya-ee Blame it on my juice Blame it, blame it on my juice [Laughter.]
Snitches get stitches, money get I'd successfully held down a job at the bookstore for two weeks and only called in sick twice.
Shout-out to my work ethic! And I'd even complied with their basic-ass khakis dress code.
I was officially on my way to financial freedom.
- [Ding!.]
- I'm tired and hungry Well, not exactly freedom.
- [Ding!.]
- Hustlin', hustlin', hustlin', hustlin' But at least like a halfway house situation.
But that wasn't all.
My academics had also improved.
- [Ding!.]
- Eating on steak and shrimp Hustle a lot, hustle a lot After all the hard work it took to get my life back on track, not to mention getting my car back from Dad, I decided it was time to reward myself with a weekend devoted to self-care.
And as much as I deserved it, my girls needed it even more.
With Ana having her Aaron problems, and Nomi's situation with Professor Hewson, I decided to take the MLK weekend - [Horn honks.]
- and get out of town for a girls' self-care retreat.
Whoo! Send you straight to meetcha maker And where better to do that than at my parents' empty house.
[Sighs.]
Ladies welcome to serenity.
JUNIOR: Psh.
More like paradise.
M'lady.
M'nightmare.
Watch out, world, I'm grown now I'm grown Learn something new every day I don't know, so I'm-a feel my way Got the weight of the world on me But no regrets, this is what I say Watch out, world, I'm grown now - I'm grown - You can tell me My heart beating so loud Mama, look, I'm grown now I'm grown What are you doing here?! And why in the world did you not go skiing with the rest of the family? You may not realize it, Zoey, but it is exhausting being our baby brother's primary caregiver.
Sometimes, I need a break from skin-to-skin, and so does Devante.
Whatever.
Please just do not bother us this weekend.
Okay, Zoey! I see you! Come through, Johnsons! You know, I'm almost not mad at you for making us miss the Martin Luther King Parade for the first time in our lives.
- Mm-hmm.
- Zo, I thought that you said you grew up wealthy, but I mean, are these floors even heated? [Scoffs.]
Ladies! Welcome! Please, make yourselves at home.
There are plenty of beds for everyone.
I mean, obviously, you are welcome to crash with me, assuming that you're not allergic to spider silk.
Um can I actually talk to you alone for a second? Night mare.
Junior.
Sweet, sweet Junior.
How do I say this gently? You know, me and you, we shared one drunken, sweaty night on the dance floor, and you made it rain on me, but, uh, that's pretty much where it ends.
You know, you're my girl's brother, and I I just don't want this to become a a "thing.
" Say no more.
I can read between the lines.
- Okay.
- You're afraid I'll hurt you.
Plus dating a single parent isn't for everyone.
ZOEY: You are not Devante's father! [Snaps fingers.]
[Whispers.]
Spider silk.
I'm disturbed.
[Sighs.]
Okay.
Yeah.
It's all taken care of.
Great! Well, in that case we are here this weekend to cleanse our mind, body, and soul.
Excuse me.
I know Jesus.
My soul stays clean.
Okay, well, that means no phones or social media, and definitely no alcohol, drugs, or junk food.
[Crunches.]
[Muffled.]
Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not going through this breakup without carbs.
Do you have spaghetti that I can dip this in? Honey, it wasn't, like, really a breakup.
- Yeah.
- You're right.
- [Scoffs.]
- I don't even get the dignity of a breakup title because I didn't even get the relationship! Uh, well, this this here is exactly why this weekend is so important.
We need to heal ourselves because no one else will.
Right.
So how exactly does the healing happen? - Mm-hmm.
- Good question.
By treating ourselves well, clearing our heads, and relaxing, which actually brings me to our first self-care activity.
[Giggles.]
Ooh! Adult coloring books.
Ugh, white-people shit.
[Scoffs.]
And on MLK weekend.
Mnh-mnh.
Hi, it's me, Aaron.
I'm a part of the Hawkins Brotherhood.
While we here at Cal U enjoy beautiful, well-kept facilities, our surrounding community isn't so fortunate.
There's no net here.
How do you know if you make it or not, you know? So But we want to give these kids the park they deserve.
Uh, so, let's clean up this park and pass a long-lasting legacy.
[Bleep.]
[Chuckles.]
- [Scattered applause.]
- There you have it.
There you have it.
You guys feel that? That is why we are here.
We have four regulation basketball courts here in these privileged walls of Cal U, but the kids on the next block don't even have a net to put on their hoop.
So, I want us to dig deep, and let's show these kids that Titans care! We're taking donations right here.
So, uh, yeah.
We Titans care! All right, whoo! - [Scattered applause.]
- All right.
Play the music, play the music.
Thank you.
Enjoy yourselves.
[Clears throat.]
- What do you guys think? - Call the cops, man! We murdered that video.
Don't call anyone yet.
We didn't murder anything, okay? We still need donations.
What are we looking like on that? $50 $50.
Are you kidding me? That's it?! Guys Bro, yo, give it some time, playboy.
Yo, this joint's just getting started.
Doug, I need you circulating, getting this conversation started.
We need donations.
Vivek, this music What is it? Wrong.
We need something that makes people want to give.
Like, uh, Gucci Mane or, um Michael McDonald.
- Gotcha.
- All right.
As for me, it's go time.
Ma'am! Oh, isn't this so soothing? No, it's whack.
I did not miss the MLK parade to color dumbass mermaids.
We need some drinks.
[Chuckles.]
[Singsong voice.]
Look what I brought! Yes! Let's celebrate these civil rights.
What? N-No! Guys, this weekend is not about celebrating civil rights.
Huh? And that sounded rough.
Um, it is.
But it is also about celebrating us.
What kind of dry and dusty celebration is this? I am bored as hell.
- Yeah.
- Yes! - Excuse me.
- I will get the cups! Aw, y'all, we're gonna do the ASMR videos next.
NOMI: [Clears throat.]
"Dear Diary, Steve Newcomb is def the Lupe Fiasco of our middle school.
His Vines are like so on fleek!" Oh, my God.
Where did you get that? I don't know, some random, sealed box that had your name on it and said "do not open.
" - No.
Well, guess what.
- Hmm? My diary is not for public consumption.
Respect my privacy.
Oh, come on! You have us locked up in this bougie subdivision with no phones, no TV, and no [bleep.]
.
Let us have some fun.
#self-care.
- Fine.
- Yes.
But I will be doing the reading.
- Okay.
- Yes! Oh, my God, this one.
"Dear Diary, I can't believe my mom came to the roller rink where Steve Newcomb and I were couple skating.
O.
M.
G.
, tonight my life literally ended.
" So what happened? Well, okay, all I did was borrow a jacket she already told me I couldn't, but I mean, it was so dope like, big, white collar, striped, couture, you know? Okay, that's baby bullshit compared to what happened with Sky when she wrote down about her first oral sex experience in her diary.
- Wait, how old were you?! - Okay, hold on.
[Ding!.]
Okay, I thought it meant just talking about sex, okay? [Laughter.]
So one day, ashy-backed Gerald [Ding!.]
decided to tell the whole class a sex story during recess, and then I went home and wrote in my diary that I'd had oral sex with ashy-backed Gerald Wait for it.
and then our dad read it.
- Ohh! - Oh, my gosh.
- That's so embarrassing! - Are you serious? - Whoa! - [Clears throat.]
Sorry for the interruption, ladies, but I just worked out.
Please try not to stare.
You might hurt your eyes.
[Laughter.]
Ignore him.
Um, oh, wait, guys.
Listen to this.
This one is hilarious.
Um "Dear Diary, Hailey thinks she is so friggin' cool with her rose gold iPod Touch" - [Chuckles.]
- "but I don't even care because while she's making Harlem Shake videos, I'm over here setting goals.
" [Chuckles.]
"By the time I'm 20, I'll have my own blog" Well, I had a makeup vlog in, like, high school, so chiggity check! - Okay.
- Okay.
"I'll start my own fashion label" You didn't do that.
"which Frank Ocean will wear in one of his videos for like his fifth album" [Scoffs.]
That definitely didn't happen.
"I cannot wait to leave L.
A.
the moment I turn 18 and take the world by storm.
I know it'll be difficult juggling being a college student and having a fashion career, but I know I can do it.
" Oh, Zoey, you know what else you didn't do? - Hmm? - Any of that! [Laughs.]
Sorry, Diary.
But you did eventually get an iPod Touch that I broke, so ZOEY: Reading "Young Zoey's" dreams and realizing how short "College Zoey" had fallen of accomplishing them, it became clear I didn't deserve to be rewarded at all.
What are you doing, Zo? You okay? Yeah, I don't know.
Look at all this stuff ribbons and good grades and birthday cards from my dad to his favorite child.
This was me less than three years ago, and I I just I just feel embarrassed.
Like, how did I get so far off track? Okay, Zoey, step away from the box.
Sit down.
It's okay.
Embarrassment is being dumped on your own balcony by a guy you're not even in a relationship with.
I would've jumped.
Or pushed his ass.
Either way, somebody would've wound up - on that street.
- Yeah.
Okay, but I'm working at a bookstore.
That has nothing zero to do with fashion.
I totally get starting at the bottom it's necessary but this isn't even the right bottom.
Like, I should be so much further ahead.
I get it.
I thought I'd be some Olympic gold medalist by now.
And Sky would at least be bronze.
Your mama's bronze.
All right, you guys, we need to relax here.
We're 19, okay? We have plenty of time to establish our careers and our love lives.
Well you can say that, Nomi, because you're good.
You have straight A's.
No financial pressures.
No relationship drama.
Oh, my God, come on.
You guys are acting like I live this charmed life with, like, heated floors and organic applesauce.
Okay, I have I have things that I'm dealing with.
- Like what?! - Name one.
Just one.
Like I'm dating Professor Hewson.
- What?! - Huh? - Huh? - Hold on.
What?! Who? How's it looking? Horrible.
Got it.
Uh, excuse me, fellas.
Hey, not to interrupt, uh I don't know if you saw me.
I'm Aaron, the dude from the video earlier well-directed, well-acted and I was just asking, uh, if you'd be willing to donate to these kids in our community, man.
It would help out a lot, and I see your kicks, so I know you got it.
All right? Yeah, I'm wit' it.
Love what you're doing.
Really? Thank you.
That means a lot, bro.
Guys, you see what I'm talking about? This man, um - Mauricio.
- Mau Mauricio is stepping up and being the change that he wants to see in the world.
Now, Mauricio just generously donated to us $5.
$5? What are these kids supposed to do with $5? Um, I said "be the change," not "give me change.
" - Do you wanna up this - Bro, relax.
On top of that $5, I paid $10 to get in.
Fall back.
Fall back.
How about you fall back on my drinks? I've seen you drink at least $30 worth of Cuban rum, but all you can give these kids is $5? That's the type of man you are? Man [bleep.]
you and them kids.
- Who you talking to? - Chill.
- Y'all better get your boy! - No, who you talking to?! He don't know 'Ricio.
Like, for real, for real.
No, you know what? All y'all drinking and eating for free, you don't give a damn about the community! Is Professor Hewson the one who called you a misogynist? You called me a misogynist.
- Yeah.
- Hold up, is that how you got an "A" in that class while I've been busy busting my ass over this boring feminism propaganda? No.
I got an "A" because I'm an "A" student.
And we didn't even start dating until the semester was over ish.
Even so, she's still the professor, and you're the student.
You don't think that's a messed-up power dynamic? Is it? They're two consenting adults.
- Yeah.
- With a 20-year age difference! So what? It works out for Sarah Paulson and whatever old lady she's dating.
And can you imagine how wrong it would feel if she was a 40-year-old male professor? But she's not, and a lot of things would be different if the genders were reversed.
Guys, I honestly think it's fine.
Well, how do you feel? You've just been sitting here quiet the whole time.
I mean, I'm sure you have something to say.
Mm-hmm.
I already know how Zoey feels.
- Yeah.
- How? What? Wait, you told her? [Gasping.]
Not exactly.
Wow! We are the most secret-keeping group of bitches I have ever met.
[Exhales sharply.]
I'm proud of us.
Okay, fine, you know what? I-I think I think that Nomi is an amazing human being, and I honestly trust whatever she chooses is right for her.
And that's Professor Hewson.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Thank you, Zoey.
Of course.
But I still think that telling the both of you was a big mistake.
You guys are honestly being harsher than Paige even predicted you would be.
Okay, you know, no judgment, Nomi, just pure curiosity.
Like, what led you to smashing our gross old-lady professor? Okay, you're gross, first of all, and Paige is amazing, okay? And we have a real connection.
She's smart, and she's interesting, and she's given me so much great life advice.
I mean, she's the reason why I was honest and finally came out to my parents, okay? - Mm-hmm.
- I'm really happy for you.
Thank you.
I'ma pray for you.
Yeah, you know what? This is exactly why Paige told me not to say anything, because people - are narrow-minded.
- Okay, fine.
I'ma pray for Paige's old ass, too.
Mm-hmm.
God is good.
I need to smoke.
- I need a drink.
- I need spaghetti.
Are you serious? [Sighs.]
Okay.
We're just six hours into my self-care weekend, and it's already a total bust.
Per usual, yet another one of my well-intentioned goals just dies a-a painful - [Jazz screams.]
- Oh, my God! Uh! - Oh, my God! - What happened? [All gasp.]
Excuse you! What?! I thought we were practicing self-care.
Hmm.
[Gagging.]
- Don't worry about them.
- Okay.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow! [Inhales sharply.]
I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty happy that the heat about inappropriate relationships is off me.
Oh.
What? She's the one who brought up self-care at me, and I was just trying to stay on theme.
[Laughter.]
Wha It is not funny, guys! - I'm sorry.
- It's kinda funny.
I do not know what the hell is so amusing about all this! I mean, I just watched my little brother and one of my best friends in the tub doing God knows what to your feet! Oh, I can tell you.
TOGETHER: No! Ugh! You know what? Self-care weekend is officially over, so y'all can do whatever you wanna do because I have failed.
NOMI: Listen, okay, you made a valiant effort, but you can't just carve out a weekend and then suddenly - expect everything to be solved.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, Zoey, it's like how you are with your curls.
It just doesn't happen overnight.
- It's a process.
- Mm-hmm.
First you start off by trimming off the dead ends, then you gotta find the right products, then you pineapple it at night, and then you plunk it in the morning.
It's about maintenance.
Just like self-care.
Yeah, you practice a little bit of it every day.
And, you know, you can't get curl and life goals in one weekend.
Wow, you're right.
Well, you know what? I just wish you would've told me that before I spent my last check on those coloring books.
- [Laughter.]
- I said I wanted spaghetti! JAZZ: Yes.
Should we have, um, spaghetti and wine? - I would really love that.
- Spaghetti and wine! Spaghetti and wine! Spaghetti and wine! Yo, bro, you need to calm that down, man.
Real talk, you don't want problems with 'Ricio.
This can't just be about Mauricio and that dumb donation.
No, it's not just that, okay? It's the fact that I I've been busy being an R.
A.
, I've been busy partying, and this whole Zoey and Ana thing.
You know? This is the first time this year that I've done a fundraiser, and I couldn't even get a stack to help clean up a park, you know? I've I just feel like I've lost focus.
Hey, come on, man.
Don't be so hard on yourself, man.
Look.
I think if you take a look at this total, you'll see you surpassed your goal.
Are you serious? You You did this? Yeah, man! You inspired me! Yeah, I see you out here doing your little activism thing, and I admire that.
And plus, I'm a very successful drug dealer, you know.
I am genuinely touched, man.
Thank you.
All right, cute, but y'all wanna wrap this up? We're sitting ducks out here.
Big 'Ricio never forgets, man.
Man, will you chill, please? Nobody's worried about Big 'Ricio.
- Hold up.
- What? Why does that Jetta not have his headlights on? [Tires squeal.]
Go, go, go, go, go, go! So, in some weird way, the self-care weekend had actually turned out to be a success.
We didn't need all the coloring books, tea, or clean eating.
Apparently, we just needed some quality time to purge some of our secrets.
- [Cheering.]
- And a good laugh at my brother's expense.
There we go! "Dear Diary, if I had to pick one thing to do for my 14th birthday party, it would be to raid my mother's closet and do a fashion show with my best friends.
" [Gasps.]
Here it is the infamous jacket.
- This woman throws nothing away.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my gosh.
Dude, your mom's clothes are so sick.
I know.
I mean, this jacket was almost worth the roller-rink humiliation.
- [Chuckling.]
- Oh, yeah.
- [Gasps.]
- Huh? - Wh - You guys You know what we should do? [Gasps.]
[Gasps.]
Yes, please.
- [Cheering.]
- Mirror, mirror on the wall Don't say it 'cause I know I'm cute Ooh, baby Louis down to my drawers LV all on my shoes - Ooh, baby - I be drippin' so much sauce Gotta been lookin' like - Ooh, baby - Lit up like a crystal ball That's cool, baby, so is you That's how I roll If I'm shiny, everybody gonna shine Yeah, I'm goals I was born like this, don't even gotta try Now you know I like Chardonnay, get better over time So you know, it ain't my fault That I'm out here gettin' loose Gotta blame it on the Gotta blame it on my juice Ya-ya-ee Ya-ya-ee, ya-ya-ee Ya-ya-ee Blame it on my juice Blame it, blame it on my juice Ya-ya-ee Ya-ya-ee Ya-ya-ee, ya-ya-ee Ya-ya-ee Blame it on my juice Blame it, blame it on my juice [Laughter.]