Happily Divorced (2011) s02e16 Episode Script

Happily Divorced is shot before a live audience.
And based on my real life.
- Here you go, miss Fran.
- Oh! Wow! How did you get this so fast from the newsstand? What newsstand? There was one in everyone's driveway.
I can't believe I made the California living section.
Oh, wow.
Ooh, here it is! Here it is! "Flower power.
" That's a great headline.
Look at that beautiful picture they have of me.
Uh, yeah, no.
- That's not you, baby.
- What? - Mmm.
- Who the hell is that bitch? Look, it says here she owns the hottest flower shop in L.
A.
"Cutting hedge.
" Cutting hedge.
That's clever But stupid.
What is she, like, 22? Her parents must've bought her the shop.
- Well, didn't your parents - Shut up.
Oh, look, look, look, look! Here you go.
"If your tastes lean more traditional, you might wanna try 'fantastic flowers!e" that's not so bad! It's Fran tastic flowers, Judi! They didn't even get the name right.
Thank God! With a review like that.
Look, there's more.
"The great thing about this quaint, little flower shop is there's never a wait.
" Oy vey! When did I become so unhip? Somewhere between the "oy" and the "vey.
" Oh, I just feel so irrelevant, and I slept with Peter for 18 years.
Oh, my God, how much weight have you lost? You're disappearing right before my eyes.
What do you want from me, Peter? Look, I have a third showing on a $2 million house, but I'm supposed to work for Joan today.
You've gotta call her.
Tell her I have walking pneumonia.
Well, wait, I've got a better idea.
Why don't I fill in for you? I've had a terrible morning.
It would be great for me to get outta here.
You're gonna fill in as Joan Collins' personal assistant.
Well, let me think about No.
Come on.
I'm depressed! I wanna spend the day with a celebrity.
It'll be a win-win situation.
You need me, I need you.
Oh, just say yes now, Peter.
It saves time.
Yes.
Oh, great! I'm gonna spend the day with Joan in Beverly hills.
We'll go shop.
We'll go have lunch at Mr.
chow's.
Oh, have I been craving those glazed prawns with the walnuts, Judi! Those glazed prawns are better than sex! Peter, can Joan pick us up at what do you think? because after the Okay, okay, look.
You're not grasping the whole assistant concept.
Oh? All those fun things you mentioned? Joan Collins will be doing.
You will be in the bowels of a parking structure trying to get a signal on your cell phone.
Well, what kind of fun is that for me? Yeah, I'm not doing that.
Look, Fran.
Okay! Trust me.
Go sell a house.
Go on.
Have a good day.
Don't start throwing her name around to get stuff.
Like what? Like free pies at Marie callender's.
? She was certain that he was her one and only ? ? But their union always seemed a little forced ? ? She got married anyway ? ? Turns out that he was gay ? ? They're still in love, but now she's happily divorced ? Well, this is the James Bond car.
God, it rides like a dream! I've never driven an Aston Kutcher before.
I have.
Oh, did you make that reservation for lunch at the Ivy? Oh, no, I forgot! That's what it was.
You know, as soon as we get on the set, I'll call Eh, why don't you just do it.
I'm only gonna forget again anyway.
Your phone is ringing.
Oh, but do you mind just holding it up for me? I've got a drink.
Yello? Darling, daddy and I are at Costco.
You wanna split a gallon of Russian dressing? Oh, all right.
Yeah, Peter loves that.
Do you want them to pick you up anything while they're there, doll? Yes, a Xanax and a decent assistant.
Don't call me, ma.
I'm working.
It's very unprofessional.
- You done? - Yes, thank you, miss Collins.
You're welcome.
Hey! You know, I hear that they shot Gilligan's island on this lot.
Maybe after you're done, we'll jump on the tram tour.
I'd rather stick a fork in my eye.
All right, I just thought it would be interesting.
Just a little piece of television history, that's all I'm saying.
Hi, I have Joan Collins here.
Okay, can I see an I.
D.
? Hello! It's Joan Collins! I Dynasty.
Oh, come on.
What? Were you born under a rock? No, I was born in the '90s.
For heaven's sakes, here, here.
Oh, Joan, I feel your pain.
I was yesterday's news just this morning.
- Park in the structure.
- Thank you! Here you go.
Oh, last year, I'm on the cover of the Llarchmont chronicle.
This year, five lousy lines in the living section.
I'll tell you, it hurts.
- When you're used to being - Drive! Here you go, miss Collins.
English breakfast, a spot of milk, honey, no sugar, and cookies on the side.
Darling, I asked for one cookie.
Eh, you'll eat what you want.
We'll take home the rest.
Uh, kids.
Hi! You know, I parked in someone else's spot.
Are you old enough to drive? I'm the producer.
What do you drive, a big wheel? That's not funny.
Miss Collins, Rob Lowenstein.
So thrilled to have you on board.
Let me know if there's anything I can do for you.
Well, maybe we can discuss it over cocktails later? - Oh.
- Oh, no, miss Collins.
You have that photo shoot for AARP.
That you remember.
Uh, here's miss Collins' scene, and they would like to see you in wardrobe.
Well, usually, men like to see me out of it.
Uh, Joan, have they given you a call time for tomorrow? I gotta go from Hancock park to Beverly hills and then schlep over to studio city? Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Tomorrow, it'll be Peter's problem.
Never mind.
Carry on.
Oh, wait a minute.
Uh, Lowenstein, come back here a minute.
There must be some mistake.
There's seven lines here.
Mm, yeah, you're right.
These two were cut.
Five lines for Joan Collins? - Is that a problem? - Uh, yeah, there's a problem! She's a huge star.
She's coming here expecting a big part in a series, and you're throwing her a couple of lousy lines? Do you know how that's gonna make her feel? Employed? Look, you're just gonna have to beef this up for her.
You gotta give her a couple of costume changes.
You know, she passed on hot in Cleveland to do this.
Oh.
Okay, well, uh, all good stuff, and I would love to talk, I would, but I've got this thing to take care of.
Well, Rob, look, it's been an absolute pleasure.
I just want what's right for our project.
- Oh, we both do.
Mm-hmm.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
What do you think of me casting Joan? I-I think it was inspired.
I think she's gonna be a huge pain in the ass.
Yeah, that's what I was worried about that also.
Mm.
I'm gonna tell casting to replace her.
You tell Joan.
Oh, hey, Petey.
- Did you sell the house? - Nupe.
Oh, well, maybe next time.
I had a very productive day with Joan.
Didja? You'll hear all about it tomorrow.
Oh, I won't be seeing her tomorrow.
Oh, really? Did she give you the day off? Hundreds of them.
She fired me.
Oh, my God! Oh, Petey, I was afraid of this.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to outshine you.
Well, I'm not gonna take the job.
- I'll call her tomorrow - Stop talking! They fired her, so she fired me What? And apparently, after talking to you, the producers felt her part should be played by an unknown.
Not you! Fran, you were only there for three hours.
All you had to do was drop her off at the studio and pick up her stupid dog at the dog groomer's.
Fran, I loved this job.
I was good at it.
And it gave me something I don't get from real estate.
- What? - An income! I don't know, ma.
I thought I was doing such a good job filling in for Peter.
I was organized.
I was professional.
Oy, Joan's keys.
Yeah, well, she's fired.
Where's she going tomorrow? Darling, no good deed goes unpunished, especially when you do it.
Hello, sunshine! I was just thinking, "where's my beautiful daughter?" We don't see you enough.
I don't work for Joan anymore, daddy.
You're never gonna get to meet her.
Son of a bitch.
What did you do? Do I really need to relive this, daddy? Sure, what do you care? You don't lie in bed at night fantasizing about how she smells like vanilla and gardenias.
Tonight, you're gonna be sleeping on the couch smelling scotchgard and ass.
Dori, mixing it up is what keeps a marriage fresh.
Now who I am going to fantasize about? Hello! Could I borrow a few scouring pads? My cleaning girl, Marisol, ran out.
Marisol? My girl is working for you now? Well, you fired her.
Why did you fire Marisol? That woman would talk my ear off.
She'd come and sit right where you're sitting and tell me all her problems.
That would drive me nuts.
Dori, did you ever provide her with lunch? Of course I did.
Oh.
Well, I got a little Chinese left from sunday.
Wait.
No, I don't.
Marilyn, where are you going with my sandwich? Well, I gotta give the girl something since your wife started with the perks.
Oh, ma, how am I gonna get Peter to forgive me? I mean, I know the way I used to do it, but now he'd just look down at me and say I need my roots dyed.
Franny, shh.
I'm trying to think of a way to get Marisol back.
I thought you hated her.
What do you want her back for? Because Marilyn took her away.
Oh, come on.
That can't be it.
Yeah, it is.
Oy, this goes back to queens boulevard.
These two women are famous for their stupid rivalry.
This one doesn't want anything until the other one has it.
Oh, my God.
That's it! Oh, thank you! Thanks, you guys! Love you! What the hell was that about? What did I say? I don't know, but remember it for the next time we wanna get rid of her.
Coming! Miss Collins, I just wanted to say that I'm willing to - You stole my keys.
- No, I didn't.
I forgot to return them.
I'm not a thief.
I'm merely incompetent.
And I brought you this beautiful arrangement to show you how sorry I am for what I did.
Yeah, well, you should be sorry.
Well, let me just explain why I did what I did.
I mean, my heart was in the right place.
Yeah, it's your mouth that keeps moving.
Look, I was just trying to protect your feelings.
You're a big star, miss Collins, and I thought that they were insulting you with that small part.
Darling, there are no small parts.
There are just small rentals that you have to live in if you don't get them.
Do you know that my agent had to take a three-hour lunch at Spaggo to get my job back? Yeah, you got your job back? Do you know how hard it is for women of our age to get jobs in this town? Oh, miss Collins, I know.
Our age? Yes, I do.
There's a 22-year-old that just opened up a flower shop on Larchmont where the old Koo Koo Roo used to be.
No.
They closed the old Koo Koo Roo? Can you believe? Nobody made creamed spinach like they do I don't care.
Oh, miss Collins, replace that scotch with a Klondike bar, and I'm there.
Trust me, it's not going to take your problems away.
You're right, 'cause you're still here.
Well, you know, I'm beginning to think that Alexis wasn't such a stretch for you.
- Get out! - Fine.
I said my peace, and now, I'm going.
I'm sorry that you and Peter ended on a bad note.
However, he is not holding any grudges.
Oh, good, and now I can sleep nights.
My point is that he used your name, and thanks to you, he got a job with Linda Evans.
That bitch stole my Peter? He's her Peter now.
Don't wanna see that.
Don't wanna see that.
- Don't wanna see that.
- Hey, Petey! Don't wanna hear that.
All right, Peter, let's talk.
Oh, miss Collins.
I'm so sorry.
If I had known you were coming, I would've put on a pot of your favorite tea And underwear.
Look, Peter, I know you're working for Linda Evans.
I'm not working for Linda Evans.
You think I was born yesterday? Shut up.
Fran's told me everything.
Yeah, about how when Joan fired you, Linda snatched you up? I mean, uh, I'm not working for Linda Evans yet.
I start monday.
Well, I don't want you working for her.
What will it take to get you back? Oh, well, uh, can I have a raise? Nope.
- Can I have my birthday - No.
- Can I have my - No.
Well, we're pretty far apart.
There's no Linda Evans.
Take it.
I'll see you monday.
And by the way, where's my dog? Well, good night, Joan! Miss Collins, your English breakfast with a drop of milk, honey, not sugar, and one cookie on the side.
One cookie? Oh, get the box.
I'll eat what I want, and we'll take the rest home.
- Oh, hi, Petey.
- Hey, Fran.
What are you doing here? How'd you get on the lot? On the tram, through Gilligan's island, but, you know, I got hungry.
It's like a three-hour tour.
It's my luck.
The one cast away who gets off the island.
Oh, would you calm down? I just wanna talk to Joan.
Why? What did you do this time? Nothing! I just wanna thank her.
Remember that flower arrangement that I gave her? Well, her neighbor, Elton John, saw them, loved them.
He told Madonna.
Madonna told Rosie.
Rosie's having a major charity event honoring get this Kevin bacon! Who's hip and happening now? Good for you! Your phone must be ringing off the hook.
- Oh, yeah! - Go answer it! Oh, Peter.
Don't forget I'm the one that got you your job back.
You owe me a favor.
- Where's my Joanie? - Oh, my God.
What the hell is this? This is the favor.
Come on.
He's an old man.
It's his dream.
One picture, Joan with my father - Darling.
- And ma Hello! And Marilyn.
Joan, doll, these are my parents, Glen and Dori.
Oh, hi.
When I saw you on the big screen, you knocked Angie Dickinson right off my list.
Please.
Glen, the woman has been with Warren Beatty and Ryan O'Neal, but go for it.
Take off your hernia belt and show her what you got.
Marilyn Kappelmaster.
Enchante.
Hi.
You know, when I was a brunette, I often was mistaken for you.
Oh! It's like looking in a mirror! Yeah, in a fun house.
Could you sign a few of these glossies for my adopted daughter? Sure, thank you.
What adopted daughter? You remember, little eBay.
- Let's take some pictures.
- No, no, no.
Uh, miss Collins is wanted on the set.
Oh, no, no, no! Peter, please.
These are my fans.
I love them.
Let's take some pictures.
Watch my purse.
- Would you mind? - Sure.
Oh, Glen, come on in.
Peter, come over here.
Embrace the fact that you're stuck with them, just as I am with you.
Oh, by the way, I spoke to Linda Evans.
She said she's never heard of you or Peter.
Look, I got you fired once.
I could do it again.
Now, smile.