Happy Endings s02e16 Episode Script

So I know everybody is wondering why I'm not drinking.
We haven't ordered yet.
And it's 2 in the afternoon not in a specially noteable time to not drink.
What can I get you guys? *** Table keg.
I'm good with water, thank you.
So I just started this super cleanse.
That I read about on Teri hatcher's tumblr.
Apparently sugar is as addictive in animals as cocaine.
Wow, we really are losing the war on drugs.
If animals are blowin' rails.
Anyways, t-hatch says you have to give up all sugars, So, sadly, no alcohol.
Pen, not to be rude, but I don't think.
You're gonna last even a half-hour.
On this thing, you stupid idiot.
Such a stupid idiot.
Yuk, yuk, yuk it up, because my body is a temple.
And your bodies are stadium urine troughs.
mnh.
Ah, water.
The wettest treat.
Hey.
My body is a temple, too.
Here's your table keg.
Damn it.
I'm in.
Yay! I can't do anything alone.
Hey, what up, busters? Whoa! Oh.
Is that Could it be You look a little like a friend we once had.
Mm.
What was his name, uh What was his name? What was his name? Mornk? Mornk.
Huh.
It was mornk.
We have not seen mornk in a while, Since he got that serious boyfriend.
And settled down.
Grant is not my serious boyfriend, And we are not "settling down," okay? We're just two dudes that party hard.
And sometimes pass out in the same general vicinity.
Then where's grant now? He's parking the car.
He dropped me off 'cause we're sharing.
This cute toggle-button coat.
- Crap.
Damn it! - aw! Okay, well, are you at least gonna come.
To Dave's thing tonight? Oh, yeah.
I wouldn't miss it for the world.
What thing are we talking about? Dave got his mobile liquor license, And he's turning his truck into a speakeasy.
And serving old-fashioned cocktails! what? But seriously, though, Dave has a lot of stupid ideas.
Mm.
I call it "the boxer thong" business in the front Party in your rear.
Guys, I'm changing my name to Dustin.
Alex, will you marry me? I just hope Dave doesn't get.
Too depressed tonight when he crashes and burns again.
Guys, can you believe this? No, we can't.
Whore's bath? Uh, yeah, David, I did take a whore's bath, okay? I had a one-night stand, And I didn't have time to shower, So did I rub some dryer sheets on my pits.
And splash some water on my hush.
- In the bathroom of an - au bon pain? yes, I did.
I'm sorry that I'm a modern-day single woman.
Who enjoys sex as much as a man.
Sue me.
I meant the drink, "whore's bath.
" It's gin-based.
Oh! No, thank you.
I am on a cleanse.
I haven't had sugar in four days.
Well, that probably explains.
The Sandra bernhard one-woman show.
You just screamed in our faces.
A round of whore's baths.
yeah! Hey, thanks for staying back.
And helping me clean, j-spot.
Drunk Jane loves a good cleaning.
You should have seen me on new year's.
I was fall-down mopping.
I know.
I was there.
Yeah.
Excuse oh.
Oh.
All right.
I'm just gonna get I'll just get at this glass.
There's a spot that Hi.
Hi.
ohh! Bitch, it is 5:30! Wait a second.
Hmm? Who'd you have a sex dream about? - what? - I did not have a s A who dream? A sex I Pfft.
I did not have one of them damn things.
I think I know.
Your "wake up from a dream" gasps by now, all right? There's the "oh, it's the last day of school, And I wish there were more days of school.
" - Mm.
Then there's the - "ohh!" "I'm being chased by an outfit that's too matchy matchy.
" ohh.
- And then finally - "ohh!" Sex dream.
Fine.
It was Dave.
okay.
It doesn't mean anything.
Fact you can't have a sex dream about someone.
Unless, deep down inside, you're attracted to that person.
Um, didn't you have a sex dream about Fran sinclair, the mom dinosaur on the TV show "dinosaurs"? exactly.
Okay.
Hey, Dave.
Hey, man.
What's going on? Depends who's asking.
I am.
Where's Jane? Why do you want to know? Whoa.
G-guy, come on.
What is that smell? It's my busch.
It's the new fragrance by Kyle busch.
Smells great.
Thanks.
Hey, man.
No! bitch, it is 5:40.
Hey, Al.
What are you doing? I'm taking this cleanse to the next level.
Sugar's obvious, But there are so many other poisons.
That we have been ingesting over the years Gluten, corn syrup, this poison.
Have you been eating that? One time by mistake.
I thought it was my pirate cereal.
They do look alarmingly similar.
One day off of sugar, and I already feel great.
Watch how high I can jump.
wow.
Nice ups.
well, the cleanse is making me feel.
Pretty great me-self.
Hey, pen.
What you up to? Nothin'.
Just getting a breath of fresh.
Are you sure you're okay, penny? What? Yeah.
Fine.
Why do you ask? 'Cause you're wearing pajama jeans, Pedicure flip-flops, And you're on the verge of tears.
I will have you know.
That these are not pajama jeans.
These Are pajoveralls.
They make those? Max, why are you trying to sneak out? We're dating.
Why are you naked? I think you know why I'm naked, bud.
Come have some coffee.
I made a frittata.
I don't want to settle down, grant! This isn't settling down, Max.
This is breakfast.
Then what is a frittata? It's kinda like an egg pizza.
Pizza, you say? Mm-hmm.
Color me intrigued.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Dave is so hot right now.
What? Dave's not hot at all.
Not sexy in any way.
Gross.
Ew.
Ugh.
Blech! I mean "hot" as in successful.
He's getting tons of press.
Oh.
Oh.
You guys are being really weird.
Jane, give me another smell of your sandwich.
Come here.
- Oh, that's the ticket.
- hey, Brad.
Be a dear.
Chew up a bite of your sandwich and blow it into my mouth.
Uh, pen, I think this cleanse is making you a little cr okay, fine.
- If you won't shut up about it! - mmm! Mmm.
You know what? You happy now, dad, okay? You want me to drink some booze, too? Is that what you want, miss? Mmm! You know what? Tough love, both of you.
Respect the hell out of you guys.
Please don't tell Alex.
Please.
Guys, it's all happening.
I am a hit.
Okay, don't look, but Colin Hanks is here.
Shaun Brumder from the movie "orange county" Is at my truck! It's happening! Aah! You don't get to touch me.
Ohh.
What? Oh! Gotta buzz.
Colin's runnin' on empty.
Oh, I hope I don't call him "tom" by mistake.
Wish me luck.
good luck.
What is going on with you two? We have to tell her.
Ohh.
I agree.
Penny, this isn't easy for us to say, But I'm not actually black.
This is just a giant mole.
- Okay, no.
- we had sex dreams about Dave.
he's like our brother.
Gross.
You don't even know how gross.
It was probably just a weird onetime thing, And now that we've said it, it'll never happen again.
ohh! Ohh.
Aah! Aah.
Hmm.
Babe.
No sleeping.
It's not safe.
Yeah.
Wake yourself up.
Oh, my God, you guys.
I had a sex dream about Dave last night.
so did we, And it was even more graphic this time.
He made me keep my heels on.
Mine was like that scene in "varsity blues," But instead of winning the district championship, Dave had sex with me repeatedly.
How is that like "varsity blues"? Jon Voight was coaching us.
I don't want your life.
Well, mine was disgustingly graphic, too.
Dave! Penny.
Will you marry me? Oh, David, yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
A million times, yes! ohh! Ugh.
Just filthy And not at all revealing of my subconscious desires.
do you guys realize what's happening? What? Dave is Freddy-kruegering us in our dreams with sex.
Yo, guys.
aah! What do you think of this sweater? It's from Colin Hanks' new clothing line.
Anyway, I might invest.
- It's great.
- really nice.
Stop undressing you with my eyes.
Why are you guys acting so weird? we're not.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
I think I know what this is about.
You do? Yeah, you guys think that.
Just 'cause I'm on this crazy rocket ride.
That I'm gonna forget you.
Well, I'm not, even when I'm invited to awesome parties.
Thrown by, like, Scott Storch.
Or the guy that started American apparel.
Ew.
What? Yeah.
yeah.
Right, guys? That that's exactly why we're acting weird.
you nailed me it.
It.
Look, guys, come on.
Why don't you swing by the truck tonight? We're having a little b-day soiree for Colin.
I'll toss you up on the list.
Come on.
Group hug.
- okay, no.
That's all right.
- mnh.
No.
Gotta go.
Bye-ee.
I gotta go.
bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.
Bye-ee.
Bye-ee.
Bye.
Ohh.
I'll catch up with you guys tonight.
Bye-ee.
Oh, food, how I have missed you.
Mmm.
hey! pen, you home? I found out some more stuff.
We can stop eating.
Oh, and I signed us up.
For a mini triathlon, so if anyone asks, We're dwarves.
Penny? penny? penny? Oh, hello, Alexandra.
- hello, Penelope.
- how's it goin'? Great.
Healthy.
A little exhausted from not wavering.
From our cleanse at all ever, but you know that game.
Whew! - I am exhausted.
- Gonna nap out.
peace! Ah.
No worries.
Hey.
Can I borrow that sweater I love? Oh, that sweater? Yeah.
That's oh, no.
You know, that is at the cleaners, The one that exploded, so got to get new cleaners .
Oh, okay.
night-night .
Wait a minute.
I think I saw it under the bed.
hang on.
If you don't mind Penny, you are so busted! I knew you had my my morning jacket jacket.
you devil.
Oh, guilty.
Lock me up.
Devil.
You live and you learn, And that's a lot for you to think about.
While you leave my room.
Penny, are you sure you're feeling okay? You look a little flushed.
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just, uh, you know, It's hot in this piece.
Well, turn the fan on, dummy.
I'm not proud of that.
Well, my life is in shambles.
Whoa, whoa.
Max, hold your horses.
Why? Because there's syrup all over the floor, And those look nice.
Thanks.
Grant won 'em for me at six flags.
As part of our marathon day of togetherness, Which also included.
A wine tasting at my cousin vino's, His-and-his massages, and some light cowguying.
I mean, it was, like, the most relationshipy day ever, And the worst and weirdest part I loved it.
Max, it's okay.
Look, why don't you just stop fighting it.
And start enjoying yourself? You said the same thing about "Krippendorf's tribe," And now it is one of my favorite movies.
Ooh! Floor bacon.
Oh, you know what? It's just a loose moccasin.
Hello, filthies.
Look who I ran into.
At my new favorite vegan eatery, cafe thankful.
Avi.
Namaste, penny.
Turns out, we're both into cleanses.
My cleanse is pretty next-level.
I'm only eating clear foods, And I've given up all sexual intimacies.
That's right, y'all.
Avi's celibate! Are you sure that's a choice, avi? Good dig, but jealousy is not a sweatpant that fits you well.
burn! Oh, yeah! Oh.
Please don't touch me.
I'll explode like a water bottle.
On a cross-country flight to Albuquerque.
Where's that flight from? J.
F.
K.
Get out of my bedroom.
Um, Max, do you want to talk about something? Yeah.
Yeah, I think we need to talk about something.
You're a great guy.
I love staying in with you.
Like, I love it a lot, and I just I don't know.
I wanted to tell you.
Thanks.
I-I like it, too.
And this is weird to say, But I could maybe see us having some kind of future.
And moving in together down the line.
Into some cool place like a converted brewery.
That's still a working brewery and I don't know, doing something dumb.
Like getting married and having.
A couple dumb kids.
I could picture that, too.
Uh, except the, um The kids part.
I-I don't want kids.
Oh.
You don't? Uh, no.
It's just not my thing, you know? You Want kids? I mean I don't know.
This morning, I didn't want frittatas.
Now if you told me I could never have one again, I'd kill you in cold blood, assassin-style.
I didn't realize that maybe you wanted kids someday.
Maybe I want kids someday.
"Maybe I want kids someday"? Maybe I do want kids someday.
"Maybe I want kids someday"? I definitely want frittatas.
Where are your frittatas at? Max, it's it's a leather couch.
Oh, you got it at crate and barrel 2.
So you're all having sex dreams about Dave? I mean, he's like our brother.
You had sex with him on and off for a good ten years.
Fair point.
Well, good luck with all of that.
Is that din-din? Yeah.
Ever since she started rolling with Avi's crew, All she eats is pills and powders.
Sounds like my Vegas diet.
So if I take Tuesday before Monday, I will die instantly, But if I take Tuesday on Monday with Thursday, I could probably dunk on 10.
Has penny told you about my jumping? I told 'em you were losin' it.
Penny, judgments are the gluten of thoughts.
I'm going to hang out with Avi's crew.
He gets me.
How is she the only one not having sex dreams about Dave? Yeah.
It's like, what is she doing different than us? the cleanse.
No booze.
This all started with Dave's drinks.
you're right, Because I didn't have a dream at first, But then I gave up the cleanse, and then I had one immediately.
Yes! thank God! Whoo! It's the drinks, guys.
- It's just the drinks.
- oh, man.
I mean, I had no doubt whatsoever, But still, I mean whoo! Ahem.
Um Hey, um Oh! Right.
Oh.
- These drinks? - yeah.
I got it.
Yep.
I got it.
That that one.
Okay, this is all Well yeah.
Too weird Yes.
Too weird.
So let's just get out of here.
Yeah, let's just go.
Let's get out of here.
Right on that.
Maybe put that back.
Maybe you want to put the drink where well, I mean Just a little bit.
Okeydokey.
Colin, you're gonna love my entourage, man.
By the way, I'm kinda the Shaun Brumder.
Of my group, so Nice.
Wait.
What? Wow.
They left? Dave, listen to me.
There are two things I always say.
One, "yes, that Hanks.
" And second, "fame doesn't really change you.
It changes your friends.
" You're so right, Hanks.
go and brush your shoulders off.
You got new friends now, like me and my intern beans.
Yo, man.
I'm beans.
Hey.
Hey.
Do you have any cocaine? Psst.
Please.
Mm.
I don't know, pen.
I'm in a real pickle.
What, your super hot boyfriend loves you too much And wants to get married and have hella babies? Yeah, everything except the babies part.
Grant doesn't want kids.
That's perfect.
You hate kids.
Well, I don't know.
Wha I said, "wha " Look, pen, you know me.
I mean, we've made love.
Ew.
Ugh.
I think you mean ugh-mazing.
Anyway, there are two types of guys in this world One guy who makes a detailed calendar.
Of everything they're gonna do.
For the next five years of their life, And then the other guy, Who draws weird penises on said calendar.
Just to piss calendar guy off.
What are you saying? I don't know.
I just I know it freaks me out that grant knows for sure.
That he doesn't want kids.
Or that he knows for sure what he's gonna do.
With his future at all.
So what are you gonna do? Uh, we had a long talk last night.
For, like, five hours, and he's going away to do.
Some architecturing for a month, So I just suggested that we take a break.
Till we figure things out.
Wow.
Max, suggesting that you take a break.
Because you want different things that is so grown-up of you.
Mnh.
Proud of you.
Oh, shut up, pennis! No, it's not.
Would a grown-up do this? Ugh.
No.
Oh.
They want you to put that away.
Okay, people.
It is time to take our cleanse to the next level.
Tonight we eliminate all colored beverages And all solid foods But first we orgy till we cramp! Wait.
what? Oh, God.
Ooh.
You know, I got a thing.
Ugh.
Ohh.
So, Max, where's your serious boyfriend? Oh, you know what? Um Ugh.
We we kinda broke up.
- what? - What? Come on, man.
Yeah.
You know, um Say it ain't so.
Actually, it's, uh There there Funny st it's a funny story.
You know, there are two two types of of guys.
In this world.
There are Okay, so grant, uh, told Max.
That he wanted to have kids and settle down, So Max drop-kicked his dinner.
And then said, "I gotta feed the meter," And never came back.
classic Max.
Classic me.
We love that guy.
Right? He's the best.
Oh.
You guys still hang out here.
That's strange and interesting.
Well, I guess since we're all here, Uh, I just wanted to say, no hard feelings.
About you guys ditching out on me the other night.
I've been having a great time hanging with Colin.
Hanks.
Yep.
Yeah, we know.
Everyone knows his last name.
We're aware.
You know, he said the funniest thing to me.
About my rocket ride.
He said, "David, fame does not change you.
" It changes your friends.
" oh, my God.
Dave, we've been having sex dreams about you.
And you are not a gentleman in them.
Mnh-mnh.
Wait a minute.
You guys have been having those disgusting dreams, too? Yes.
Yes.
Really? You guys have been having sex dreams about me? I guess that makes sense.
I do exude a bit of a raw, un Oh, dude.
We are not attracted to you.
You are like a gross brother to us.
You're like a man to me, which I am not into.
I am extremely into men, But strictly ones that are not at all you.
All right.
Okay.
I get it.
The only reason we had those dreams.
Is because of the drinks on your truck.
That's why Alex is the only one who didn't have one.
What is in those things? That's ridiculous.
Turpentine.
Anyway, you guys aren't really mad about.
This rocket ride thing, right? No.
We're mad you keep saying "rocket ride," But we're thrilled for your success.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Hey, hang out with Colin anytime you want.
You know we love you.
Always.
Thanks.
I really missed you guys, Plus Colin Hanks He's a lot to handle.
So it's me, Justin Hoffman, and Frank Caliendo, And we're down in Tucson 'cause we're starring in the new "hangover" video game, And Caliendo goes to order the spicy tuna crispy rice, And bang! He falls right into the jacooz.
Classic Caliendo.
Ah.
True dat.
Ah.
Oh, God.
Ohh.
- oh, wow.
- Ugh.
He wants me to move to Tampa with him.
Dave? Are you here? Hello? Hi.
Hey, Buster.
Where is everybody? Oh, funny you should ask.
Turns out, I may have been a fad after all.
Check it out.
Ew.
Roof.
Aw, don't worry about it.
I still want to try.
One of those drinks everyone's talking about.
- Or Used to be talking about.
- yeah.
well, aren't you afraid.
You might have a sex dream about me? Eh I think I'll be fine.
All right.
There's yours.
Yes.
More importantly, here is mine.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Take it easy.
That's a 95-proof drink.
Whew! I haven't had a drink in weeks.
Hit me again.
all right.
It's your funeral.
Ohh.
Come on.
- hey! I'm sorry.
- Ohh! I said I was sorry.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
get oh.
Oh.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
Ohh.
Thank God.
It was just a dream.
oh, boy.