Hogan's Heroes (1965) s02e16 Episode Script

ANNOUNCER: CBS presents this program in color.
( theme song playing ) ( bombs whistling ) ( explosion ) ( distant air raid sirens wailing ) ( explosion ) Corporal! ( bombs whistling ) ( explosion ) ( clamoring ) LeBEAU: Right here! Hey, Lucas! Lucas, right here! All right! ( shouting over each other ) Over here! ( vehicle approaching ) Ow! General Burkhalter, what a surprise to see you, sir.
Be careful with that.
Pray tell, what do the nice Germans got now? It's too big for a bread box.
Why, Pumpernickel comes in all sizes.
Let's give the colonel a word.
Carter, will you watch it? Sorry.
I'm not too good with ears.
If you don't mind, I've gotten used to having one on each side of my head.
Have a seat, fellas.
One of you is next.
No chance.
My insurance doesn't cover haircuts.
Uh, General Burkhalter just drove into camp, Colonel.
And he brought a wooden crate with him this big.
A map or something like that, sir.
You interested? Always.
LeBeau, report to Klink's quarters.
Tell him Schultz told you to wash the windows.
See what you can find out.
Oui, Colonel, right away.
Carter.
I'm sorry.
My blood type is on my dog tags just in case.
Oh, what an unexpected pleasure, Herr General.
Actually, I had no intention of stopping here, Oh, what a brilliant idea! Now, only a man of your experience Klink, shut up and let me finish.
Of course, Herr General.
Excuse me.
I suppose you are curious about that.
Well, naturally, I It's a gift.
Thank you.
General Burkhalter, thank you very much.
It's not for you.
Really? ( chuckles ): What a marvelous sense of humor.
I've just been in Paris, uh, on military business.
Of course, of course.
While I was there, I realized that Goering's birthday is only a few weeks away.
Oh, yes, sir, I know.
I have the date right here in my calendar.
You would.
So, knowing his interest in art, I went to the Louvre and borrowed this.
This is Manet's famous painting, The Boy with the Fife, worth at least a half a million.
Exquisite! Oh! And you took it right out of the Louvre? Why not? France belongs to us.
KLINK: I am sure that Marshal Goering will be thrilled with this.
Yes, but until his birthday, I would like to keep it here in Stalag 13.
The enemy has increased its bombing activity, and I don't want the risk of having it destroyed.
General Burkhalter, you have nothing to worry about.
They never bomb a P.
O.
W.
camp.
That's why I came here.
I now place it in your custody until I return for it.
And if anything happens to this masterpiece, Klink, I will have the pleasure of shooting you personally.
Oh, please, Herr General, I-I-I-I It almost would be worth losing the picture.
Very funny, General Burkhalter, very funny.
( sotto voce ): Filthy Boche! All right, where is it? Where is what? You know what I'm talking about.
I just came from Klink's office.
He's angry? Angry? He's having kittens.
Biologically impossible.
I mean, just never could happen.
Thank you, Doctor.
All right, LeBeau, I'm going to ask you one more time.
Where is it? Okay, okay.
Here it is, but I will never give it up.
I'll die first.
LeBeau, don't you understand? If we don't return it, Burkhalter will flip.
And when he does, he'll have Klink shot or transferred.
What happens, then? We get a new commandant instead of Klink, maybe a gung-ho type.
And we're out of business.
HOGAN: Right.
Don't you think it bothers me when the Krauts do a despicable thing like this? Filthy pigs.
I understand how you feel.
Sure.
No Frenchman ever gave up anything worth half a million without a struggle.
Well, maybe I was a little hasty.
All right, let's go.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, I just happened to think.
We've got the painting and they haven't.
True, LeBeau stole it.
Why should we give it up just like that? Well, I don't know what you got on your mind, Colonel, but I like your thinking.
London's been asking for more information about German antiaircraft units, troop movements and fortifications.
The only thing they haven't asked for is the key to Berchtesgaden.
We could pick up a lot of important information between here and Paris.
ALL: Paris? It's pronounced Pa-ree, and that's where we're going.
He's around the bend, you know.
He's crackers.
Carter, call the colonel a cab.
I'll go along with it, sir.
How do we get to Pa-ree? painted us a ticket.
All leaves are canceled until this picture is found.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
The entire camp is on red alert.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! Every prisoner is confined to barracks until further notice.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
( knock at door ) Come in.
Well, Hogan? I found it, sir.
You found it! Schultz, did you hear that he found it? Let's see.
Oh, Hogan, I will never forget you for this.
This really proves that when people Is that the picture? With a tweezer and a little bit of glue, you should be able to I want to know who did this! LeBeau.
Sir, I was carried away by my love for France.
You will be carried away once more.
Schultz, arrange for a trial at once.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! And I promise you this will be a fair one.
The verdict will be execution by firing squad.
Take my advice.
Ask for an unfair trial.
Silence! Marvelous.
The same firing squad can take care of both jobs.
"Both jobs"? LeBeau's execution and yours.
I know just the man to pick out for that.
KLINK: Silence! Hogan, enough of your American sense of humor.
Well, how do you think your pal Burkhalter's going to react when you hand him that empty frame? Cancel the firing squad.
LeBeau, do you realize what kind of a situation you've gotten me into? This picture was intended for Field Marshal Goering.
May I suggest, Herr Kommandant, a tweezer and a little bit of glue? Ah, shut up! What am I to do? It might be possible to duplicate the painting from a photograph.
A good artist could copy it.
But Colonel, the only good copyists are in Paris.
Oh, you're right.
Didn't occur to me.
Better forget it, sir.
No, no, no, no.
I shall go to Paris and have it done.
I'm even willing to pay for it.
Oh, sure, you go to Paris in a German uniform and ask a Frenchman to help you, he'd stab you first, then talk business.
Then what? LeBeau, you must know a good artist in Paris.
Oh, yes, sir, there is my friend Monsieur Verlaine.
He has copied many of the great masters in the museums.
Hogan, are you suggesting that I permit you and this cockroach to go to Paris? Marvelous how you put two and two together sometimes.
Impossible.
Schultz, who'd you have in mind for the firing squad? There is Willie, and there is Fritz Silence, Schultz! Hogan, can I have your word of honor as an officer and a gentleman that you will not try to escape? Absolutely.
One of my men made a mistake, and I want to help straighten it out if I can.
Very well, Hogan, I trust you.
However, I will keep your men as hostage just in case.
Told you he had faith in me.
Schultz and Corporal Langenscheidt will accompany you as guards.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! Herr Kommandant, there are many checkpoints we have to pass.
I will have orders drawn up stating that you are taking these men to Paris for questioning by my authority.
Now, is there anything else? Yes.
I think it's okay for Schultz to cancel the firing squad.
Of course.
But, uh, Schultz, hang on to the list of names, just in case.
The painting and the uniform are under the back seat of the car, Colonel.
Right, Kinch.
Mind the store till we get back, huh? Right, will do; good luck.
Good-bye, Kinch.
Send you a postcard.
Yeah, you do that, buddy.
Good luck, Hogan.
( engine starting ) Schultz, hurry it up.
( whining ) Why do I have to wear the general's uniform?! We're not taking any chances.
Just in case we're stopped.
I have orders signed by Commandant Klink.
Outside of Stalag 13, the word Klink means two glasses have been knocked together.
Now, put it on.
Come on, Schultz, it's beautiful.
I made it myself.
I don't know.
I could get into trouble.
They might send me to the Russian front.
So what if they do? Wouldn't you rather go as a general than a sergeant? That's true.
I never thought of it.
Come on, get it on.
Put one leg.
Not a bad war after all, hey, Carl? What about them, Sergeant? General.
Don't worry.
I have the situation under control.
Oh, jawohl.
Very good wine.
I hope they let us keep France after the war.
That's the fourth artillery officer we've seen and all from the same unit.
Remember, it's the 509th.
Oui, I have it memorized.
( sighs ) Where's your friend, Verlaine? He'll be here.
Don't worry, Colonel.
And don't call me Colonel.
It's too dangerous.
Kills me to see those rats in Paris.
Easy, LeBeau, easy.
This could be a little trouble.
Oh, LeBeau.
( speaking French ) Monsieur Hogan, Monsieur Verlaine.
Enchanté, Monsieur.
Mademoiselle Suzette.
How do you? Enchanté, Monsieur.
My feelings exactly.
( speaking French ) Be careful, LeBeau, the boys are interested.
Oh, you're right.
( speaking French ) ( clearing throat ) ( speaking French ) Give this to boche general.
( humming ) Oh.
( bell tinkling ) ( bell tinkling ) ( whistle blows ) They stole it from the museum? Filthy assassins.
Ah, animals.
Dogs.
You forgot pigs.
( laughs ) By the way, who are you talking about? Germans.
I got into the wrong conversation.
Please don't talk like that.
You make me self-conscious.
HOGAN: All right, look, save your hate meeting for later.
Get the painting started, huh? Oui, Monsieur.
That's right, get the pai Wait a minute.
This is the picture that was burned up.
Ja.
There is something wrong here.
You're part of it.
Shut up.
Now you know our little secret, Schultz.
Ach du lieber.
It was a lie.
Oh, you're in trouble.
You're in big trouble! If we're in trouble, can you be far behind? Oui.
And if you say one word, we will tell Klink you knew about this.
LeBeau, you wouldn't do that.
Mm, yes, you would.
We're in Paris; you're a General.
Half smashed on good wine, what more do you want? I want the truth.
That's what I want, the truth! What is the truth, Schultz, as you see it? I see nothing.
I know nothing.
Thank you, General.
Allô, Suzette? Oui.
Prepare the canvas for me.
Ah, oui, Papa.
This will be my greatest copy.
With this, I'll make my contribution to defeat the Germans.
Again, please be nice.
And you will hide the original for us until after the war? It is my sacred duty.
Vive la France.
Vive la France, à bas les Bosches.
Oh, à bas les Bosches, à bas les Bosches.
Bas les B What-What did he say? You wouldn't be happy with the translation, Schultz.
( siren wailing ) Hold it.
We've got company.
The two goons from the cafe.
Hey, they're stopping right here.
Uh-huh.
The Gestapo! Well, it ain't Robin Hood and his merry men.
What should we do? Get into the other room quick.
Come on! Let's go.
Come on.
So, let's go, let's go.
You try to get rid of them, huh? Ah, oui, I'll do my best.
( knock at door ) MAN: Open up! Gestapo.
Guten Tag, Fraulein.
Bonjour, Monsieur.
Just a routine check.
You live here alone, huh? With my father.
Aha.
Anyone else? ( laughs ): Well Anyone else, Fraulein? Well, my uncle stays with us sometimes.
Ah, your uncle.
And perhaps a few of his friends, ja? Oh, Monsieur, is it necessary to search? You are hiding something? SUZETTE: No, Monsieur.
The key at once.
What is going on here, darling? Nothing darling.
Who are these? Oh, I see.
They're bully boys.
What are you doing here? Just a routine check, Herr General.
Achtung! Hmm.
That's what they always say.
Raus, heraus.
How dare you come here and disturb a general of the Third Reich? Only doing our duty, sir.
We had no idea that you were Oh, you-you had no idea.
( chuckles ) You didn't know that a general might want to spend an afternoon with his, uh with his, uh ( clears his throat ) Niece.
Niece.
Thank you, darling.
I assure you, General, we had no intention of intruding upon your privacy.
No, you didn't! I tell you something.
Should it ever happen again, I will report you to your superior officer, and then to his superior officer, and then even to his superior officer.
I will report you all the way up until it comes back to me.
And if I ever report it to myself ( growls ) are you going to be in trouble.
They have gone.
They did? Why did you let them go? ( bottle clinking on glass ) Schultz, you were fantastic.
You saved us.
How did you ever manage to do it? Lucky for you, I was loaded.
( laughter ) You are right, Sergeant, it's not such a bad war.
( chuckles ) I'm glad you like it.
( laughs ) Voilà.
C'est fini.
It's finished, Colonel.
C'est parfait, parfait.
Oh, it's beautiful.
Merci.
Très bien, Papa.
Merci.
France will never forget what you have done.
I salute you ( speaking French ) I salute you, Hogan.
My feelings exactly.
And I salute you Ugh, forget it.
Well, here it is, safe and sound.
Excellent.
You see, Klink, you can do a few simple things right if you try.
Thank you, sir.
I am always inspired by your example, sir.
Oh, uh, may I ask what you're doing, sir? I want to look at the painting, if that meets with your approval.
Of course.
May I assist you, sir? I can manage.
Mm.
Beautiful, just beautiful.
Well, back it goes in its little box, on its way to Goering.
Just a minute.
I don't know.
Looks different somehow.
Different? Mm-hmm.
Uh, the light, maybe? BURKHALTER: Maybe.
The great German genius, Colonel Klink, is in trouble.
( laughs ) He can't seem to handle anything right, can he? What do we do now, Colonel? Let's try to bail him out.
Come on, LeBeau.
( knocking ) Come in.
Yes, Hogan, what is it? I'm busy.
Sorry, sir.
We heard that you had Manet's famous picture, The Boy With the Fife, here in the office.
Well, what about it? Well, LeBeau and I would like to see it, with the General's permission, of course and yours, too.
Now, I can't have every prisoner in the camp come marching in here Wait.
A Frenchman? Oh, very much so, and a connoisseur of the arts, sir.
In fact, before the war, he was an art student.
Good.
He may be of some help.
Now, the General thinks that this painting is somewhat different.
Perhaps you will set him straight.
I will try, sir.
You are familiar with Manet's work? Oui, General.
You say you know the painting The Boy With the Fife? But of course.
I've seen it many times in the Louvre.
Very good.
I want you to take a look at this painting and tell me if it is the same one you have seen hanging in the museum.
I'm sure it is.
I didn't ask you, Klink.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Well, it is the original painting, isn't it? No, sir.
This is an expert copy of the original painting.
Copy you say? Klink! Yes, sir.
What has been going on here? Are you sure? Absolutely, but then how could it be anything else? What do you mean by that? Well, I had a letter from a friend in Paris who told me that the original painting was taken away from the Louvre by Field Marshal Goering and that a copy hung in its place.
This must be it.
Where is the letter? I'm sorry, sir, but I used the paper to roll cigarettes.
Colonel Hogan saw it.
I certainly did.
I-I saw it, too.
KLINK: Silence, Schultz! Herr General, I-I am terribly sorry this happened, but You and your prisoners have saved me great embarrassment.
Yes, sir, we We have? BURKHALTER: Do you realize that I might have presented this copy to Goering as the original, which he already has? I would have been a laughingstock.
Of course, sir, we-we we could never let that happen, could we? ( chuckles ) I hate the idea, but I am indebted to you.
Oh, not at all, Herr General.
Now I have to think of another gift for Goering.
How about a nice do-it-yourself hari-kari kit? KLINK: Silence! Herr General, I have some wonderful ideas for you.
Don't press your luck.
( chuckles ): Not at all, Herr General.
Well, there they go, two of nature's noblemen.
( sighs ) Boy is that Klink lucky.
You know, sometimes I wonder how he ever got to be a colonel.
I think somebody wants us to lose the war.
Anything else? We identified four separate antiaircraft units.
Five, Colonel.
There was one hidden in the Bois de Boulogne.
Oh, right, right, right.
And, uh, we saw a Panzer Division on the road outside of Paris heading towards the coast.
You got some pretty valuable information here, Colonel.
Yeah, get that off to London, can't you? Right away.
Let's go.
Oh, Colonel Hogan! Colonel Hogan, I have very good news.
Klink got caught in the barbed wire? No, but he gave me a 12-hour pass because everything went so good for the general.
Congratulations, Schultz.
And Sergeant Angler is going to introduce me to a very nice young lady he knows in town.
Hey, how about that? Romeos come in all sizes.
And I would like to ask you for a favor.
Sure, Schultz.
What is it? Could I borrow the uniform I had in Paris? Oh, of course.
Why not? Gentlemen, may I introduce you to my son, the General?