Home Economics (2021) s02e16 Episode Script

1
They're the best at selfies.
- At hashtags.
- At sponcon.
But there can only be one
next great influencer.
It's time for "Influencer Lagoon."
Coming soon to ABC.
And now an all-new "Home Economics."
Chapter 23.
Tom and Marina were living
every parent's nightmare.
Their babysitter had quit.
And they were now so busy
that they didn't even have time
to shop for the weekly Hayworth brunch.
How are the bacon and eggs coming?
Uh, bacon and egg?
There was only one left in the fridge.
Ooh, bacon and egg.
Wow, you went all out.
We do have store brand toaster pastries.
Works for me.
Careful, it's hot.
Is this one per kid,
or like Vegas buffet?
These were a dollar a box.
I'm gonna grab an extra one
of these bad boys for JoJo.
We're meeting up later
to plan our Iceland trip.
She wants to see an elf.
Oh, honey, remember when
we used to travel together?
Ugh.
Our only date night this month is
meeting with our mortgage broker
to talk about refinancing
our house. Jealous?
Oh, yeah, that reminds me.
Connor, can Lupe watch our kids
just while we're between babysitters?
Anything to help restructure your debt
- with more favorable terms, Tom.
- Thanks.
- Ooh.
- Bon appétit.
Gretchen, are you excited to audition
- for the school musical?
- You wanna be Annie?
Connor, I can't just
give my niece the lead
- because I'm the director.
- Yeah, no, of course not.
Wink, wink.
- Okay.
- I'm a little nervous.
I don't know if I'm that good.
Oh, well, I didn't have confidence
when I was your age either
'cause your grandmother's criticisms
really did a number on me.
But anyone can sing if you
just believe in yourself.
Do you believe in yourself?
You're gonna be great.
I have been practicing a little song
for the audition. Wanna hear it?
- Yes!
- Yeah.
- Of course we do.
- Yes!
Yay.
Ooh ♪
Wow, you did that.
- Yes. She did it.
- Yes. That was
- something.
- It happened.
You did it! Feels like
it filled the room.
I didn't know you could
get so loud, honey.
Influencers, the time has come.
Ria and Jake, as losers of
the Best Angle challenge,
you're at the bottom two.
Now we'll find out who will
turn off their ring light
and delete their account.
I'm sorry, Jake, but
you've been unfollowed.
Please make your way to the
fire bridge for your exit selfie.
The rest of you can return
to Influencer Lagoon.
What do you think?
Think it was a mistake to vote off Jake.
I mean, he had a rare combination
of brains and biceps.
Well, this is crazy, but they
want me to be on next season.
What? I didn't know you applied.
It was months ago, and
I totally forgot about it.
But it's kind of a big deal.
Last season's winner dropped
her own clothing line
and is now frenemies with Kylie Jenner.
That's that's a good thing, right?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
The thing is, they want
me there next week.
- In Borneo.
- Oh.
So what about our trip to Iceland?
We just postpone till the fall.
It's just a few months away.
A few months?
We haven't even been
together a few months.
Yeah, and there's no contact
with the outside world.
Hmm.
Wait, are they all sleeping
in one giant bed?
Yeah, it's called the "charging matt,"
and it gets smaller every week.
And
You know, forget it.
Well, do you want to do it?
I was in a different
place when I applied.
It was before we got together, and I
I don't want to screw this up.
Well, I'm also on team
"Don't Screw This Up."
Hey, guys. I'm just
here to help Gretchen
with her audition for tomorrow.
Is she upstairs?
Yeah, um, you really
think you can help her?
Anything's possible if
you work hard enough.
Little G can do anything
she puts her mind too.
- She gets that from me.
- Exactly.
But to be clear, she's a
terrible singer, right?
Let's just say there's room to grow.
Pay stubs. Tax returns. Credit report.
Crossing "getting documents for the
mortgage broker" off of the list.
And that's the end of the list.
Actually, the email said we
need two copies of everything.
Adding "making copies" to the list.
I'll just have to find time
between my Costco run
and walking slowly into the ocean.
Why did we ever want to become adults?
So that we could eat cake
whenever we wanted.
Look, if these guys are gonna
be fixing the floor all day,
I can't work here.
Why don't you go write at the café?
Well, that's full of all those losers
that are working on their "novels."
I guess I could go to Ashburn.
Used to work at that library
all the time before we had kids.
That is such a beautiful campus.
- God, I miss college.
- I miss college!
Right? Oh, so much fun.
Late night with the boys,
cracking open some cold ones
and talking about Billy Shakespeare.
Mm, my college experience
was less about literature
and more about getting lit.
They used to call me Marina Tequila.
Wow. Classy.
Remember having absolutely no
responsibilities whatsoever?
- Ugh.
- My to-do list was just a list of boys.
Right?
Wait, what?
"As Tom looked over the documents
"for the mortgage broker,
"he felt the burdens of
adulthood suffocating him,
pulling him down into a murky abyss."
Yo, thanks for watching my stuff, man.
Oh, no problem. By the way,
"Sister Carrie" is an amazing book.
Yeah, I'm reading it
for 20th Century Lit.
- Dreiser is dark.
- So bleak, but so honest, right?
You know, I'm writing a paper right now
about whether the characters
can escape the social class
- they're born into.
- Well, they can. But at what cost?
It's actually a big question
in the novel I'm working on.
Oh, word? Are you taking
Intro to Creative Writing?
You think I'm in Intro
to Creative Writing?
No, I'm, uh
I'm actually in Advanced
Creative Writing.
Yeah, it's pretty tight.
Bro, that class is so hard to get into.
- You must be really good.
- Word, word.
Well, I mean, you know, for a student.
Which I am.
Just a college student
who loves college life.
Well, hey, you know, some buddies and I,
we're gonna go get some beers
and play Settlers of Catan in the quad.
If you wanna join, you can.
Oh, I should probably
finish this chapter.
Uh, for class.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it.
You do you, bro.
You know what? Screw it.
I'm gonna blow it off.
We're college kids, right?
We got all the time in the world.
- Dope.
- I mean, we're young.
We can set the world on
fire, right? Party time.
Yeah, well, you know.
Just gonna play Settlers.
Oh, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, yeah.
Let's just let's build some roads.
Hello, influencers.
You've all gotten pretty
good at influencing people.
But what about animals?
Inside this tent are eight horses,
nature's original influencers.
It's time to double tap some hooves
and get these manes on fleek.
Let's giddy-up and give these
horses a glow up of a lifetime.
You watching "Influencer Lagoon"?
Only to remind myself how stupid it is.
I mean, there's this challenge
where you have to match a
filter with a moment in history.
And someone actually picked Velancia
for the Boston Tea Party.
Oh, crazy.
- Right?
- Yeah.
Are you sure you don't
want to be on this show?
Totally. I'm happy with
my decision to stay.
But?
I mean, yes, the exposure
could supercharge my career
and get my hat line
off the ground, but
my heart says I should
stay here with Connor.
You said it yourself.
It's a silly reality show.
True, but what do you want?
D, I have made my decision.
I'm fine with it.
Please don't say anything to Connor.
I don't want him to feel guilty.
- Promise.
- Okay. I won't say anything.
Are they giving that horse a makeover?
It makes a difference, right?
How I wonder what you are ♪
That was so great, sweetie. Good job.
Okay, that was decent.
I was going to say "not horrendous,"
but your description works.
I'm proud of her.
I mean, she's probably
not Annie material, but
Oh, definitely not.
All right, she wasn't that bad.
Look, I know I am just your
humble assistant director,
for some reason known only to God,
but you can't cast Gretchen as the lead.
Even if she could hit a
high C above middle E.
- Why?
- It's kind of an unspoken rule
that the children of Windmount's
more financially generous parents
get the lead roles.
And your brother isn't
exactly in their league.
- Wait, what? That is ridiculous.
- I know.
Private equity doesn't bring
in the dough like it used to.
No, no, that policy is ridiculous.
Wait, so I have to set aside lead roles
for Constance Pinterest
and Alessandra Nintendo
because their parents make more money?
That is the Windmount way ♪
I hate that you have
the voice of an angel.
Thank you ♪
Tom, where are you?
I'm outside the library.
I'm sorry. I totally spaced.
I know it sounds weird,
but I'm actually hanging
out with some college kids.
They're pretty cool.
They're from "The Quill."
What?
It's a literary magazine.
No, Tom, that's not what I
Look, I just dropped the kids off at
- Tino, head up!
- We have to go home.
We have to change, and we have
to get to the mortgage broker.
Uh, yeah, you got it.
Uh, look, first, you wanna come
through and say what's up?
We're in Strauss Hall, D21.
Wait, what? You're in a dorm?
Yeah, I'll drop you a pin.
But be cool. Their RA's,
like, a real jerk.
I'm just kidding.
You're the best, Xander.
- Fight me, bro.
- What? All right, I'll check you later.
- Oh!
- Yes!
Tommy, my man.
- Tom?
- Oh, sweet, babe. You came.
Okay, what is going on?
I mean, besides you
having a midlife crisis?
These kids actually think
that I'm a real student.
Honey, you're almost 40 years old.
I have a boyish charm.
And an inability to grow facial hair.
We need to go do important things.
Grown up things. Our mortgage.
- Boring.
- Hey, Tommy.
Hey, you're up, man.
Hey, hey.
- Hey.
- Who is this?
This is my wife. Uh
My wife!
No, I'm just kidding.
This is my girlfriend.
Or like, a girl I've been
chilling out with.
- It's Marina, right?
- Huh.
Dope. Are you, like, a grad student?
- No. No, I
- She's a senior. Like me.
She took a gap year. Couple gap years.
Couple?
Tell you what, I'ma
catch up with you later.
Okay, don't flip any cups
without me, okay? All right.
That's a good guy.
Tom, we have to go, okay?
We have to go to the meeting.
Then I have to go buy a new nightguard.
We have to pick up the kids from Lupe.
And we have to find a new sitter.
- There's laundry.
- Mm-hmm.
Wow, that is a such a
depressing list of things.
Or you don't have to do any of that.
'Cause we're college kids.
- Right? Marina Tequila?
- Turn it down ♪
And everybody shots ♪
- Turn down for what? ♪
- Marina!
Marina! Marina!
Turn down for what? ♪
That's the girl I've
been chilling out with.
Turn down for what? ♪
- Let's get lit!
- Let's get lit!
Ah, that's some cheap tequila
and I love it!
Aw, best friends forever?
My God. You were right hanging
out with people half our age
is kinda fun.
I just signed up for student council.
Jeremy just asked me to dinner
with his grandparents.
- I can order anything I want.
- This is wild.
- And the night is still young.
- And so are we.
- Ah!
- Hit 'em with the sound ♪
Hit 'em with the sound ♪
If you think about it, how would
we even test simulation theory?
Any sufficiently
sophisticated simulation
would be designed to evade such a test.
Dude, you're scaring me right now.
Dude, I know.
Hit 'em with the sound ♪
Hit 'em with the sound ♪
Hit 'em with the sound ♪
Sound sound sound
sound sound sound sound ♪
You have to leave Pre-Law.
Okay, trust me.
You go into law thinking you're
gonna make a difference,
but then one day someone steals
that Chinese chicken salad
from the fridge, and then you realize
you've been at the office
for 18 hours straight.
- Shots?
- Hit 'em with the sound ♪
Hit 'em with the sound ♪
Hey, you gotta film this on my phone.
For our friend Camilla.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- She'll love this.
Hey, what what is this?
Are you married?
No, those are some kids we,
like, we've been chilling with.
Turn the music off. Lights on.
You're not students?
We're students
of the world.
All right, fine. You caught us.
We're in our late 30s.
Oh, my God. I think I'm gonna be sick.
Actually, I think I might be too.
Can't do keg stands in your late 30s.
Stop saying it.
- My wife!
- No.
Okay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Kids'll be down in a second.
Great.
So crazy how JoJo was almost
on a reality show, right?
I know. Glad she decided
to stay, though.
Yeah, she said she wanted to stay.
That's definitely what she said.
You know, I know you love brownies,
so I decided to make you some.
Ho ho ho ho, nice!
Yeah.
Mmm.
Wow, these are, um
Whoa.
- You like?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- They, um
They might be your best batch yet.
Really? Whoa. Thank you for saying that.
- I did put a pound of salt in there.
- Is that what that is?
Yeah. You know, it's interesting.
These are bad brownies.
But you said you liked them.
It's almost as if sometimes people
say things they don't mean
so that the people they
care about feel good.
So you knew they were bad?
That's besides the point.
Let's say I didn't know they were bad.
How would you not know they were bad?
You just told me you put
a pound of salt in them.
Okay, so what I'm trying to point at
is that you lied to me about
liking the bad brownies
to spare my feelings.
Because you didn't want to hurt me.
Oh, it's not about the brownies.
It's about JoJo.
Okay, I wasn't sure if
we were gonna get there.
She only told me she didn't want to go
'cause that's what she thought
that's what I wanted to hear.
The important thing is
that I didn't say anything.
These are saltless.
Oh.
You only made one of the good ones?
Yeah, well, I already made my point.
Okay, I got caught up in the moment.
And I kinda lied about
being a college student.
Super cringe, bro.
- Big perv energy.
- All right,
well, I didn't do it to
be cringe or perv.
But I didn't lie
about being a writer.
Honestly, I wrote "Jeremiah's Plan."
Of course, you guys are busy
reading Jonathan Franzen,
not Tom Hayworth.
Wait, you're Tom Hayworth?
Author of "Farther Moons?"
- Yeah, that was my debut novel.
- Dude, I love that book.
That's awesome. You're
you're a real writer.
That's legit. Hey, he's legit.
Oh, wow, thanks, Cody.
That actually means a lot.
And I know you must think
I'm some kind of weirdo.
But my wife and I, we
just wanted one break
from being boring adults.
We're usually very responsible.
Yeah, there is a reason
why I stopped being Marina Tequila.
Kari, thank you so much.
You're so sweet. And responsible.
Hey, you wouldn't be interested
in doing any babysitting, would you?
I am pretty good with kids.
Hmm.
Hey.
- How were the auditions?
- Terrible.
I can't cast Gretchen in the lead
because Connor doesn't
make enough money.
Connor, the guy with the lawn
in the middle of his house?
Mm-hmm apparently
it's the Windmount way
to dole out parts based on income level,
so Gretchen never stood a chance.
Well, she's also not a great singer.
Yeah, okay, she's Orphan
Number Six material, at best.
But still, she deserves a fair shot.
I just, I wanted these kids to believe
that they could do anything
if they worked hard enough.
But I guess I was just naive.
Well, someone's always
gonna be disappointed
when there's like twenty kids
auditioning for three leads.
What if they were all leads?
So apparently there are
no elves in Iceland?
I mean, on some level, I always knew.
But I still feel really disappointed.
Yeah, that sucks.
Hey, I wanted to give you this.
Oh, cute! Is this for our trip?
Aw, fancy lotion because you
know I don't like to be ashy.
And a snake bite kit?
Do they have a lot of snakes in Iceland?
They do in Borneo.
Connor, I told you I'm
not doing the show.
Yeah, because that's
what you think I want.
Okay, sure, there's a part
of me that wants to go.
- But our relationship
- Our relationship is great.
But this is your dream.
I wouldn't be a good boyfriend
if I stood in the way of that.
Don't worry about me.
What do you really want to do?
I wanna go.
Then you should go.
So what does this mean?
We're breaking up?
No. We're not breaking up.
We just gonna be apart
for who knows how long?
On a different continent
with no way to communicate.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
that's breaking up.
Yeah, I just didn't want to say it.
Yeah.
I can't believe I'm going.
Mm.
You're not going tonight.
So basically, it's a fictionalized
version of my family
it's three siblings at three
different economic levels.
Dude, I'm gonna read the hell
out of that when it's done.
- Oh, thank you.
- Hey.
You know, if you're interested, um,
I heard that there was a
guest lecturer position
in the writing department.
It'd be really nice to have a real
author teaching, you know?
Oh, well, yeah. I'll look into that.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
And if you guys are up to it,
we're gonna go to the rooftop
and eat like 200 chicken nuggies.
Ah, thanks, but I think we're
gonna pass on the nuggies.
Sweet.
You know what? I feel lighter.
And that's not just because
I threw up a bunch.
But you were right.
We needed this escape.
Okay, what's going on in here?
- Escape. Escape.
- Yeah, go.
- Go, go, go, go, go, go.
- Sorry.
Screw you, pig!
How'd it go breaking
the news to Gretchen?
Oh, she took it very well.
Especially since, uh, she's the lead.
What? She can't be the lead.
She can if every kid is the lead.
Sarah, it's called
"Annie," not "Annies."
There's only one lead.
Which is why we are no
longer doing "Annie"
and will now be doing
an original musical
which I will write where
every part is the lead.
Oh, boy.
It's called "Unsung She-roes:
Groundbreaking Women from
Sacagawea to Sotomayor."
Wait, shut your sweet mouth.
- This might actually be a great idea.
- Yeah?
More leads means more
parts for rich kids.
The school could soak even
more out of the parents.
Oh, no, no, no. I don't want
Looks like the cafeteria
is getting a sushi bar.
Sashimi for me-me, ow! ♪
Okay, did you just come up with that?
- Thank you ♪
- Okay.
Fantastic. Yes. I look
forward to meeting you.
Hey, you know that
guest lecturer position?
I got an interview.
Looks like Tommy's
going back to college.
Again.
- Shh!
- They're announcing the cast.
Oh.
Coming up next season,
we have a huge batch
of verified hotties.
Including a bae from the
Bay who came to slay.
I'm JoJo, and I am not
here to make friends.
I'm here to make followers.
Ooh!
Go, JoJo.
Oh, no, she better watch
out for Lil Taytay.
Come on, she can take Taytay.
I would look out for Amber.
Okay, so we're committed to
watching this show every week?
Because great.
'Cause 'cause I want to.
'Cause it's so good. It looks so good.