Hot In Cleveland s02e16 Episode Script

"Hot in Cleveland" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Nooooooo!!!! - What's going on? - Wha.
.
what happend? I gained a pound.
Oh my God.
So you gained a pound.
There's more coming.
You're Clevelanders now.
She's right.
It's happening.
My body is going native.
Ugh, you eat deep-fried Oreo on a dare and the next thing you know, you're on that slippery, buttery slope to an elastic waistband.
No! I've gained a pound too! Oh, good.
I'm not alone.
Well, you don't have to sound so happy.
Well, I'm on an emotional roller coaster.
You understand.
You're porky like me.
Uh-uh.
I'm not going near that thing.
Last week, I went to an Italian street fair and I had a cannoli inside a zeppoli inside a stromboli.
It was their version of a turducken.
Oh, please.
The average woman could eat your combined weight in cheese fries.
You know, if we were in Los Angeles, this would be so easy.
All we would have to do is go dance off the extra pounds.
But we can't do that here because we don't have our GBFFs.
Your what? G-B-F-Fs.
Gay best friends forever.
In L.
A.
, every woman has one to go shopping with and dancing with.
Watch the Oscars pre-show with.
These are the gays of our lives.
Well, you can still dance with straight men.
Dancing with a straight man is like putting a hat on your dog.
It's fun, but you know he hates it.
Now I really miss Jeffrey.
Oh, and I miss Vladimir.
I miss Daniel and Rodney and Charles.
I can't hold on to my gays.
Shocker.
You know what we need to do? Go out and find Cleveland GBFFs.
I would love to find a Cleveland Jeffrey.
Someone who knows all the latest fashions and then tells me which ones I'm too old to pull off.
Someone who can call me "bitch" and make it feel like a hug.
Let's do this.
No, wait.
Is there even a gay part of Cleveland? Of course.
It's down where the auto shops have all been turned into cute cafes.
And one art gallery I do not recommend.
I love this.
You know, when you go out with straight men, you have to create the illusion that you're not wearing any makeup.
But for a gay club, you can just slap it on with a trowel.
They are gonna go crazy for us.
We are so not gonna get laid tonight.
You three look ridiculous.
Ugh.
It's a sea of product-free hair and the game is on.
Are we sure this is a gay bar? You're Victoria Chase.
It's a gay bar.
Well, hello, new friend.
I'm glad I saw you before the others started to swarm.
May I get you a drink? That would be lovely.
Let me think.
A Bellini, 'cause the peach will match your complexion and the champagne will sparkle like your eyes.
I'm intoxicated already.
Oh.
Young, Latin, adoring.
Could he be any more my type? Mmm, yeah, don't forget, we're here to find GBFFs, not lovers.
I know, but he's just so attractive.
A part of me wishes that I could be a man for one night and have him look into my eyes and want me the way that only a man can want another man.
I think we're getting into a weird area here.
Well, I can't help it.
I mean, look at those arms and shoulders.
Nice buns too.
What? It's the name of the bar.
Oh.
Well, Victoria's got her target, but what about us? I think that loser drinking alone looks like your type.
Oh, thank you, Elka.
I mean, I know you meant that as an insult, but he's perfect.
I've always chosen the popular and charismatic gays and they've always left me.
But a stray gay, I'll befriend him.
He'll be so grateful.
He'll never leave me.
Okay, you've got your fawning Latin.
You have your stray you're gonna lock in a shed out back.
But I don't see anybody here for me.
I mean, they all look straight.
They're all wearing plaid.
And not ironic plaid.
Not even lesbian plaid.
Elka? Elka Ostrovsky? Lydia Dombrowski? Oh! Elka, what are you doing? She had that coming.
Elka, why did you hit her? Who is she? Lydia was my best friend Until the camping trip when she slept with my husband.
I didn't do that, Elka.
And I didn't punch your face in order to hear it talk me.
Bob and I were in the sleeping bag because I had frostbite and he was trying to keep me warm.
Liar.
If you don't believe that, then believe my three toes.
- Oh, jeez.
- Ugh.
No.
One went to market, one stayed home, one had roast beef, and the last two got black and fell off.
So the story Bob told me.
Was true.
Mm-hmm.
I burned all his baseball cards for nothing.
You burned baseball cards? See? This is the least-gay gay bar ever.
Oh, Lydia, I'm so sorry.
Oh, honey.
- Can I buy you a drink? - No.
Let me get you one.
I own this place.
Really? A gay bar? Initially, nice buns was a bakery and then it was a gym and then it was a gay gym and now it's a gay bar.
Maybe someday it'll be a gay bakery.
No, that's down the street.
Pie-curious.
Ugh.
Old people sex talk, missing toes.
I need something beautiful to look at.
Where's my Leandro? Ah, there he is.
Don't fall in love.
Eh, might be too late.
Would you be okay if I go get my stray? Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.
I'll just keep scouting.
Ooh! Possible designer jacket headed this way.
Hi.
Armani? No.
Joe.
No, whose jacket are you wearing? Mine.
Yeah, keep walking.
Excuse me.
- Is this seat taken? - Never.
So you're not expecting a date or a straight gal pal? Nope, I'm completely alone.
Delightful.
I can't get over how smooth your skin is.
Mmm, and I yours.
I know we just met, but I have to say it.
I'm very attracted to you.
You are? Really? But--but aren't you-- Ah, don't be coy, Victoria Chase.
So charming.
Such presence.
You're gonna win for sure.
Excuse me? The celebrity drag queen contest.
I just saw the other contestants backstage getting ready and none of the Marilyn monroes can hold a candle in the wind to you.
So you think that I'm-- The most beautiful man I ever seen.
Bottoms up.
All right.
So he thinks you're a drag queen? Well, at first I was insulted, but then I realized it's just all this extra makeup.
Look, I'll admit that it's unconventional, but we really made a connection.
And honestly, if you don't bring up the fact that you're not a man in the first five minutes of conversation, it is so hard to swing it back around.
To review You're with a man who thinks you're a man pretending to be a woman.
Yes.
I am Victor Victoria Chase.
Honey, I know you don't like to think two steps ahead, but in this case, just one step might lead you to question what you're doing.
Well, I don't know.
Every relationship requires some acting.
And in this case, some props.
How are you even pulling this off? I mean, how are you explaining your voice? I told him it was naturally high because of my unusually long neck.
You should see how gently he touches my Adam's apple.
You don't have an Adam's apple.
Well, that's what Leandro loves about it.
That it's not there.
Well, then he's really gonna love your penis.
Okay, I have a few ideas about that.
Yeah, uh, please don't share.
Where are the other drag queens? Oh, Leandro says they're backstage prepping.
- Oh.
- Oh, look.
Here are a few now.
I don't know if I should be supportive, but I think you're gonna win this contest.
Matthew and I will vote for you.
Matthew? Oh, your lonely boy.
- Yes.
- Oh.
He's perfect.
He's never been a GBFF before.
I get to train him to be everything I want.
It's the ultimate female fantasy.
When you don't have to use sex as a reward.
It's a shame we lost so many years.
All our friends had to pick sides.
How's Esther? Oh, funny, pretty Esther? Uh-huh.
Dead.
You hear from Marty? Moved to Florida.
Same as dead.
Charles? Following the dead.
So the dead are still together? All except Jerry Garcia.
Dead.
To the dead.
So you have no opinion whatsoever about whether a woman my age should wear over-the-knee boots? You mean like for fishing? This place sucks.
So, how exactly does this whole GBFF thing work? Have you not seen Rupert Everett inanything? We go dancing together, we go to clubs, we get to be each other's plus one at weddings-- unless, of course, one of us hooks up with a groomsman.
Oh, I never hook up.
I know! We're gonna have so much fun.
We'll go shopping, we'll gossip.
I'll tell you what's wrong with the way you look.
You'll tell me what's wrong with the way I look.
You can make me look better than this? Oh, you weren't joking.
Rome has all the architecture d the history.
Yes, but London has all that and the theatre.
But if we're talking most beautiful, it would have to be-- Positano.
Wouldn't it be great if we were on my boat right now, sailing to Capri? Yes.
You stretched out in the sun Yes.
In your skin-tight speedo.
Leaving nothing to the imagination.
Oh, let's not rule out imagination.
Would you excuse me for just a moment? I'm gonna to pop into the ladies room.
Oh, I admire your commitment to your character, but they will never allow a man into the ladies' room.
I'll take you to the men's room.
Follow me.
He's taking me to the men's room.
What should I do? One word: Stall.
I can't stall.
I've really gotta pee.
Is that a signed photo of John Glenn? Oh, yeah, he could never get enough of the cream puffs When this was a bakery.
Hey, that's a picture of you and my husband on our camping trip.
I was in that picture.
How come you cut me out? Uh, you want to see my toes again? Remember, no peeking.
Zzzip.
Matthew! You look fabulous.
Thanks to my GBFF, Joy.
No, you're my GBFF.
Oh, you'll get the hang of it.
I thought tomorrow night, we could go dancing.
Love it.
There's a lot of great clubs downtown or there's this one place in the flats.
Or Is that guy checking me out? No, I don't think so.
You were saying.
Great club.
Us.
He is totally checking me out.
Well, then you should play hard to get.
Don't even look-- and he's gone.
Story of my life.
Always a beard trimmer, never a beard.
Ooh, how did it go? Well, if there were an Emmy for outstanding performance in a men's room, I would have won it.
He still doesn't know? Well, if he did, would he have invited me to go dancing after the contest tonight? Dancing.
You're a lucky man.
You expect me to believe that John Glenn begged you to cut my picture out so he could look at it in space? You were very fetching back then.
And until Bill Clinton was president, there was no porn in space.
Let's get drunk.
Oh, hey.
That's a great picture, isn't it? Did you know my dad? - Your dad? - Mm-hmm.
Mom, are you okay? I'm fine, I'm fine.
Go get a mop.
The good one from home.
I'll just get one from the back.
I'll be right back.
What's going on? This three-toed liar slept with my husband and they had a son! - Wow.
- Oh, my! Oh, I'm sorry, Elka.
It was just one time, and we hated ourselves for it.
Not as much as I hate you right now.
I can't believe Bob had a son and never told me.
Well, he didn't know.
And Elliot doesn't know either.
And I'm begging you not to tell him.
What does your son know? I told him his father died in a lumberjack accident.
A lumberjack accident? I was a single mother and I wanted him to have a strong male role model, and the brawny paper towels were sitting right there.
I'm going to tell him the truth.
Oh, no, you'll crush him.
Oh, well, there's a lot of that going around.
Let us talk to her.
Oh, thank you.
Elka, listen, I know you're in shock.
It's completely understandable, but do you really want to hurt some innocent guy just to get revenge on his mother? Yes.
I have some experience with revenge, Elka.
It's never as satisfying as you hope, and the police always come sooner than you expect.
Just think about what you're doing.
And that coming from someone who hates to think about what's she's doing.
Mom, what is going on with you? I'm not gonna leave till I clean up this mess.
No, this is my mess.
I'll clean it up.
No, I will.
The rest of you can go.
I said go! What's going on with my mother? Oh, well, I can tell you something about your mother.
You didn't get those eyes from her.
You look so much like your father.
- Are you a lefty? - Yes.
Are you allergic to mustard but you can't stop eating it? Oh, yeah.
I swell up at every ball game.
How did you know that? And when you hear a military band, do you get goosebumps all over? Yes.
Every time.
Your father would've liked that.
Wait, she's touching him.
Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Stop talking or I'll never be able to read their lips.
The cumulus toothpaste is plexi-glass.
You're very good at that.
Thank you.
Wow, that, uh, that was some camping trip you guys went on.
You told him about the camping trip? Just how great it was to have a lumberjack with us.
Thank you, Elka.
It sounds like dad was quite the catch.
It's a good thing Elka was dating John Glenn at the time.
Elka dated John Glenn.
Would you stop? You're the worst at this.
Victoria, the contest is about to start in case you need to do any last minute shaving.
Oh, no need.
Electrolysis.
Ouch.
You are a strong man, Victoria Chase.
I'll see you in a minute.
Isn't he fabulous? And he's so attentive to my theoretical needs.
Did you tell him? No.
Are you okay? I'm in shock and it hurts.
I could use something to get my mind off it.
Well, Victoria's about to compete in a celebrity drag queen contest as a man in order to impress a gay man she's fallen in love with who doesn't know she's not a man.
That'll work.
Let's find out our lucky winner.
Are you ready? Are you ready? All right.
Second runner up is Liza Minnelli.
You did it.
Great job, Liza.
All right, step back.
The moment we've all been waiting for.
The winner of this year's celebrity drag pageant is Susan Lucci! Yes! Noooooo! It was sweet of you guys to get these pies for me.
But what about your extra pound? Mmm, there are no calories if you're consoling a friend.
So do you think you're ever going to see Elliot again? I'd like to.
Eventually.
It was nice looking into my husband's eyes again.
Oh, it's Leandro Apologizing for leaving me for Susan Lucci.
I just don't get it.
I mean, what does she have that I don't have? Oh, yeah.
That.
Should we try the lemon meringue? No.
The guys at pie-curious were right.
Once you go BlackBerry Well, I know these calories don't count, but I just need to know.
Aah! I lost a pound.
I turned the scale back.
In Cleveland, we call that a diet.