Housebroken (2021) s02e16 Episode Script

1
[upbeat rock music]
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff,
ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff,
ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
[music crescendos]
♪
Nice renovation, Darla.
Above-ground pool. Sweet.
- And new boxes!
- They just landed like this.
[sniffs]
It smells really, really bad here.
Imagine if you had
a dog's nose.
I'm gonna have to roll
in a lot of poop
to get this smell out of my fur.
ALL: Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep.
ALL: Aww.
Wow. It is so satisfying
seeing Shel's family like this.
I know, I really saved
this relationship
and got Shel on the path
to parenthood, yeah.
I mean, I don't wanna say
I have a perfect record
as a therapist, but I do.
Ooh, I want to play
hide and go seek with them.
I think that concept may
be over their heads.
They don't know how to hide
or seek or "and go."
Lookin' at all these babies
kinda makes one wonder
about parenthood, huh?
Stop it.
You have no coins in purse.
I have no oven in kitchen.
You understand?
[babies meeping]
- Motherhood is just so beautiful.
- Oh, yeah, it is beautiful,
and then instantly exhausting.
Would you give me one second?
Ugh!
- Where's Shel?
- He said something about
having trouble connecting
with the babies and how
he needs space to masturbate.
Hmm. that doesn't sound like
the relationship I saved.
Excuse me.
Shel?
- Shel, is that you in there?
- No.
- Shel. Oh, Shel.
- Not so loud. They'll hear you.
Oh, I'm not cut out to be a
father of one, let alone 29.
All fathers do is vanish,
and leave you alone while
you stand on a pile of hay
crying, "Daddy! Why?"
[sobs]
Woof.
I smell a thera-portunity.
Trademark pending.
Shel, do you think you might
have some unresolved issues
with your own "daddy," perhaps?
[sobbing]
I just wish I could
connect with him. [sniffs]
But he's passed on
to the other side.
- Oh, I'm so sorry for your
- Of 12th Street. Let me finish.
He's way over there, at the
12th Street Animal Sanctuary.
Closure is available to us!
- And I won't leave until you get it.
- I'm really moved.
And not just down there
for once.
[babies meeping]
All right.
I'm getting your dinner
as fast as I can.
I only have no hands.
- Hmm. Interesting.
- You need something, cat?
I'm just so interested
that you feed
all these babies from
one big pile on the ground.
- Not in little bowls? Okay. Okay.
- Well, they're not kittens.
They don't need bowls,
and I don't need an audience.
Oh, just ignore me,
like you do with your babies.
- What?
- Hmm?
It's so nice
these old animals have a place
to live out their golden years
in dignity.
I'm sorry to be a bother,
but my rectum just fell out.
Can you please kill me?
- Aww, no.
- That's him.
[birds chuckling]
I like it when you two laugh
at the same time.
- Daddy.
- Just go say hello.
No. I can't do this, Honey.
Let's go home.
I'll pretend
to love my children.
You can do this, Shel.
I'm here for you.
[grunts]
Fine.
Daddy? Uh, Dad?
- No. Uh, Papa?
- Perfect.
I'll be with you every step
of the
[horse whinnies]
Is that
- Pony Ferrari!
- That voice.
Is that
Please. No.
- No!
- It is you!
- It's me, Dr. Honey.
- Leave me alone.
[neighs]
Whoa. Easy, boy.
I know it's weird seeing me
in a non-therapeutic setting.
- Isn't he a heartbreaker?
- What happened to him?
Well, evidently, and we can't
really say who told us this
But it was this super ugly dog,
the kind with the long necks.
- A whippet? A pharaoh hound?
- It doesn't matter.
His entire world fell apart
because he got some bad advice
from his terrible therapist.
- Gulp.
- Yeah.
That's what
the dachshund told
oh, my God.
It was a dachshund.
Isn't that funny?
You stop thinking
about something
and it just comes to you!
[laughter]
I didn't give Pony bad advice.
- Did I?
- You were his therapist?
Sounds like you were a quack.
I know. I hate myself.
On the other hand,
I can pleasure a lover
- using only my shell.
- Daddy, it's me.
I'm your son, Sheldon J.
Whatever-your-last-name-is.
What is this,
some kind of ambush?
You're blowing my chances
of scoring with these birds.
Like father, like son.
[chuckles]
Maurice, we're not getting
any younger.
[chokes]
[thud]
Aw, crap.
It had to be the hot one.
Look, I'm busy here, okay?
But after dinner
I like to stroll over
by that old shirt
and take an evening dump.
If you wanna talk,
you can find me there.
Oh, boy, will I ever.
[upbeat music]
Don't wake up. Don't wake up.
Don't wake up.
Don't wake up. Don't wake up.
[screams]
[babies meeping]
Damn it!
I've been judging
your interesting style
of parenting all day,
and I just want to say,
you're doing it all wrong.
Your babies should be cuddled
into your fur
- I don't have fur.
- Sharing the warmth of your body
- I'm cold-blooded.
- Gently nuzzling them.
Chico, I'm on my
last nerve here, man.
This is how tortoises have
been parenting
since the Jurassic Age.
- Oh, so do you spank them too?
- All right, cat.
If you think you can do better,
please do so.
Mama needs a drink.
I'm gonna go see what's
- fermenting in the compost.
- Fine! Go!
I'll look after these little angels.
- Cheep?
- Oh, hi, little cheeper.
I'm your new, better mommy
for right now.
- Cheep.
- Yes, I did have a litter
of my own a little while ago.
Humans took them away.
- Cheep.
- [laughs] What's that?
Overcompensating for my own
unprocessed grief
and crippling loneliness, you say?
You're funny, Cheep.
[upbeat music]
Pony, tell me what happened.
What good advice did I give you
that you took the wrong way?
[sighs]
I was the second most
successful party pony
- in the world.
- Yes, I know your whole backstory.
All the famous children
of the early aughts
sat on these haunches
Frankie Muniz,
Miranda Cosgrove,
Brad Pitt at his 40th,
the girl who played
young Jennifer Garner
in "13 Going on 30."
Pressure kept mounting.
And then I got
Willow Smith's birthday party.
I remember. I asked you for a
picture that you never gave me.
It was my chance to become
the number-one party pony,
but it was too much,
the pressure to be the best.
And I came to group, and do you
know what you said to me?
You told me not to get
caught up in the competition
and that time is fleeting.
Once all the glory is gone,
I'll have to face myself
and I'd better like the pony
I see in the mirror.
And I was like, wait, time is moving?
Where does it go?
And I freaked out
and couldn't perform.
I got the yips.
I bucked Willow off me
into the crowd,
where she landed on Brad Pitt,
who was 41 at the time.
[neighs]
My career tanked,
and it's all because of you.
[neighs]
My little Pony.
My little Pony!
Oh, I can comb
and brush your hair.
Honey. Honey!
My daddy never showed up
and it's bringing up a lot of
Not now, Shel.
Pony really needs me. Pony!
- Leave me alone.
- You are going to listen to me
and I'm not taking "whoa"
for an answer.
[chuckles] Eh?
Please let me help you.
You just need to get back
on that horse,
or rather, you know, let other
animals get back on you.
Pony Ferrari,
I'm gonna ride you hard
and put you away
mentally stable.
Shel, come here.
Thank you, Honey.
I really need to talk.
[grunts]
I can't. I'll buck you off.
Nope.
This is happening right now.
[grunts]
[snorts]
Pony, easy. You're safe.
You're safe.
- I'm starting to freak out!
- This is natural.
- This is working!
- Honey!
[grunts]
Ugh.
- Well, how did that not work?
- Nothing works.
So I'm just gonna break
into the human's office
and blow through, like,
100 sugar cubes.
Is it possible
I am a bad therapist?
- Honey, when you have a sec
- Not now, Shel.
We'll address your neediness in group.
[Scott Joplin's
"The Entertainer" playing]
ALL: Meep meep meep meep
meep meep meep meep ♪
Meep meep meep meep ♪
Meep meep meep
meep meep meep ♪
Meep meep meep meep
meep meep meep meep ♪
Meep meep meep meep ♪
Meep meep meep
meep meep meep ♪
Meep meep meep meep
meep meep meep meep ♪
Meep meep meep meep ♪
Meep meep meep
meep meep meep ♪
Meep meep meep meep
meep meep meep ♪
Great work, everyone.
Every cat needs to know at
least one public domain song.
And that's nap time.
[babies meeping]
[babies purring]
- Cheep?
- What?
No, this is totally natural.
[upbeat music]
- And where is your mate?
- Well, he ate some poison
- and passed away this morning.
- Oh. That's too bad.
- Daddy!
- Oh, no.
Daddy, I brought
a baseball glove.
I thought maybe,
if you had time,
we could hump it together.
What do you think this is?
"The Brady Bunch"?
Daddy, I waited for you
all night
by that shirt for you
to take a dump.
Listen, kid,
when I was your age,
us tortoises were almost extinct.
I had to repopulate
our entire species
by myself!
All right? Was it awesome?
Yes, but a lot of work.
Do you have any idea
how many children I've had?
No, but it sounds like
a lot more than I have.
Exactly. And am I
supposed to be some kind
of attentive father
to all of them?
I mean, what do you think?
I'm gonna go around
and start crying about my dad
just because he was
never there for me? Huh?
[sobbing] Daddy!
I was never close to him,
you know.
Oh, I do.
I wish I wish I could help you
maybe get some closure
with your dad.
Maybe that would help me
get closure with
It's too late, you idiot.
He's crossed over
to the other side.
- Oh, I'm so sorry for your
- Of the barn! Let me finish.
He's all the way over there
by that bird bath.
[somber music]
- Bastard.
- I'll help you.
Come on, Dad.
We can do this together.
- Daddy!
- Granddaddy!
[sobbing]
[upbeat music]
And of course I want her
to take the ball from me
and throw it again,
and I know she can't do that
unless I let go of the ball,
but something is stopping me.
Am I too pliant?
I mean, what should I do?
Yes, you're asking me
to give you advice
that could possibly ruin
your life forever.
- So
- Well, I just wanna know
if I should drop the ball,
and you've made it about you.
Okay, well, obviously, Elsa,
you should
uh
uh, uh
- uh, sorry, I'm a bit, uh
- Yes?
- So sorry. I think maybe, uh
- Are you okay?
Oh, my God.
I think I have the yips.
- Oh, my God. Yes.
- Diablo, ask me something.
Okay. Uh
What are the yips?
Oh, that's easy.
You see, it's the kind
of performance anxiety
that makes it
impossible to perform
at your j
- jo
- Are you yipping right now?
- Ahh.
- While that's going on, let me just jump in
and say, I'm a better parent
than Darla, so that's neat.
I've been raising her kittens
with attachment and compassion.
Whoa, buddy.
Aren't they tortoises?
I don't believe in labels
or boundaries.
Chico, I really think you should
- Ahh!
- Meep.
Wow, you brought
your babies to group.
You're like Tori Spelling.
You shouldn't bring
your babies to group,
unless you brought enough
for all of us.
Meep meep.
[babies meeping]
Well, I couldn't leave
my perfectly independent babies
on their own.
Are you gonna step in here
or should I?
I don't think I can ever
step in aga aah.
[sobs]
My career is over!
Ahh!
- [grunts]
- Nibbles, no!
Look at us connecting, Dad,
while breaking the cycle
of neglect together
- as father and
- Shut up!
I'm trying to get closure
with my dad.
Yes, Daddy.
- Ahem. Daddy?
- Good. Stay with it.
I just, uh, wanted to say hello.
Maybe make up for lost time.
Dad?
Daddy?
Hey.
He's dead.
But otherwise,
I think it went really well.
- No! This was a terrible idea. [sobbing]
- Wait, no!
[groans]
- Wait, he's not dead!
- Really?
[groans]
- Nope. He's gone.
- [sobbing]
Why did I wait so long?
- Daddy issues, unresolved.
- Do not go in there.
- Pony.
- You can't fix me, Honey.
I know, and I'm sorry
I ruined your life
and then tried to
nonconsensually ride you.
- I should just give up.
- Yes.
- Not just on you, but on myself.
- Yes.
- Did you blow through all those cubes?
- Nope.
My little Pony pity party
starts right now
and goes all the way
to question mark,
- question mark, question mark.
- Giddyap.
[upbeat music]
♪
- Whoo!
- Ow!
I'm gonna do some donkey kicks!
- Let's write an opera!
- A dog opera!
- With cats!
- Let's do "Cats" starring dogs!
- But first
- BOTH: More sugar!
♪
[bowling pins clattering]
♪
[retches]
[grunts]
- [neighs]
- Hee!
- Oh! Oh! Oh!
- Yeehaw!
- Oh!
- Get him! Get him!
[cars honking]
[tires screech]
[both gasp]
[clattering]
[grunting in pain]
[both laughing]
Ow! Ooh.
We're out of sugar.
We're out of sugar!
Who do we kill?
Wait, ooh.
There's some in your gums.
[giggles] It tickles!
It tickles!
Stay still. [laughs]
I'm looking a gift horse
in the mouth.
[stomach rumbles]
[retches]
[upbeat music]
Here are your
newly enriched little angels.
You're welcome.
What do you say
to your birth mother?
ALL: Ta-dah!
Well, that's gonna take them
some time to unlearn.
Goodbye, Fizban the Fabulous.
Bye, Sam the Spectacular.
- Bye, Megan Thee Stallion.
- Oh, my God.
Only two percent of them
survive to adulthood.
You're not supposed
to name them.
And this one's trying to nurse.
Chico, you turned them
into cats!
- What?
- Oh, this is a disaster.
I can't train them.
I don't have a squirt bottle.
You're right.
Why don't I just take them
and raise them as my own?
- That might be easier.
- What did you do, man?
Well, I just gave them
the unconditional love,
attention, and ball of yarn
they've been denied.
- No, that you've been denied.
- Look, I didn't have to come here,
steal your children, and
twist them into unnatural
cat-tortoise hybrids that
will be equally unwelcome
in both the cat
and tortoise communities.
I could be at home alone,
- nobody caring whether I live or die.
- Oh, dear.
That's the saddest thing
I've ever heard.
I'm not done.
I could be eating food
I find in the couch cushions
by myself.
Pooping in a box that is filled
with so much other poop
by myself.
Staring out the window
for hours waiting for someone,
anyone to pass by and see me.
Okay, now I'm done.
- Yikes.
- Cheep.
You get down from there.
You're not a cat.
Meep.
[upbeat music]
- Huh? Ugh.
- Morning, beautiful.
- Or should I say Mrs. Beautiful?
- Ugh. Oh, God.
So I guess
you're my rock bottom.
Well, last night,
I certainly rocked your bottom.
[hisses]
Ready for round two?
- My mule's got a stevia hookup.
- Mm-hmm. Why not?
My life's not going
to destroy itself.
Honey, the good news is,
my grandfather is dead,
which should give you an idea
of how bad the bad news is.
- I really need your help.
- First of all, you're screaming.
Second, I can't help you.
Obviously, I never could.
I'll just ruin your life
like I ruined Pony's.
- Facts.
- Honey, please.
I don't wanna lose the chance
to make things right
- with my daddy.
- Shel, I'm a sugar head now.
Just leave me here
with Pony and
- Cheryl.
- Cheryl? Okay.
Just leave me here
with Pony and Cheryl.
Honey, no. If it weren't
for you, I'd be married
to a very unstable shoe
right now.
Even as a vomit-encrusted,
post-iguana-coital wreck
of a dog,
you're still the only one
I can rely on.
- Really?
- Of course.
You're my friend
with medical benefits.
Shel, you are the most loyal,
loving, passionate tortoise,
and if your father can't see that,
then he doesn't deserve
to be part of your life.
Boring! Come on, Honey.
I know a Mexican skunk who can
get us some dark agave syrup.
[suspenseful music]
♪
No. Shel wants my help
and you obviously don't.
- Oh, here it comes.
- One kid falls off your back,
so you'll never give another child
the joy of riding you again?
How many Culkins,
how many Fannings have
been deprived?
You are so fixated
on one failure from your past,
- you're missing the present.
- Blah, blah, bla [vomits]
Shel, I'm sorry
I wasn't there for you,
but I'm here now.
Now what's your problem again?
- My father.
- Right. Right.
Right. Right.
You can't change your father.
But you can change how you father.
You mean be the daddy
that I needed.
And I'm back, baby. Whoo!
What a rush! [laughs]
Let's go break that cycle.
[chuckles]
Turns out
I only have 12 hours to live.
- Hey, Dad, do you have a moment?
- I only have 12 hours to live,
but of course I have time
to be a great father.
- That's attractive.
- Make it quick.
I'm closing the deal on
this macaw. She's 110.
Used to watch Eleanor Roosevelt
do lesbian stuff.
I know you did the best you could.
And I kind of feel sad for you.
I mean, I have a family at home
waiting for me.
You never got to enjoy that.
I love you, Dad.
[sentimental music]
♪
- I don't care.
- I know. Bye.
[babies meeping]
- Daddy's home.
- That took way too long.
I'm taking a nap.
[chuckles]
I'm glad I'm home too.
Okay. Okay. Get off Daddy.
This is annoying.
Get off Daddy!
[meeping continues]
Wait. Wait a minute.
Aren't we
Darla, we're missing one!
The little one,
kind of greenish and annoying.
- [gasps] You're right.
- I knew how many babies we have.
- Aren't I a great father?
- The best one they've got.
Daddy issues resolved.
Suck on that, Maurice.
That's funny.
My dad's name is Maurice.
I'm going to pretend
I didn't hear that.
Darla? Shel?
How did you, like
who pressed the button
on the elevator?
- Give us back our baby, Chico.
- Who, Cheep? That's insane.
- You're insane.
- Come on now, Chico.
Give him back.
[tender music]
Meow.
Well, that's going
to make him tough to love.
I guess it is weird. I
don't know what I was thinking.
Well, now that I see you live
alone with a sweatshirt,
- I understand.
- Thank you for that.
Goodbye, Cheep.
Don't forget about me.
- Meow.
- You know what, Chico?
Why don't you keep him?
At this point,
he probably won't survive
out in the wild anyway.
No, no, no,
Cheep belongs with you.
You're a great mom,
unlike that bird over there.
Excuse me.
[chick cheeping]
Hey. Excuse me.
Did you just throw up
in your baby's mouth?
- Yeah. What's it to you, Karen?
- Hmm. Interesting.
[monitor beeping] Bob the
Peacock, I want to apologize.
I've had a little time
to take stock of my behavior,
and the dog I was that day
is not the dog I want to be,
nor the dog I am.
I hope you can find it in
your new heart to forgive me.
Well, Honey,
what I'm about to say
is actually going
to blow your mind,
because the day you left me
for dead
is actually the day I came alive.
Because baby, I found Jesus.
And you can too.
Okay, then.
So glad you're feeling better.
He was plucked for our sins
and yours.
- You're right. You're right.
- Now because of you,
I'm gonna spread the good bird.
Okay, well,
good luck with that.
- Because bird is the word ♪
- I'm so happy for you!
Bird is the word, ha ♪