In Living Color (1990) s02e16 Episode Script

You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me It's a'ight to be - In living color And how would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat - And at night it was safeto walk down the street - In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color Everybody here is equally kind Everybody here is equally kind Everybody, everybodyeverybody, everybody - Everybody here is equally kind - In living color What's mine is yoursand what's yours is mine In living c-c-c-olor You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me It's a'ight to be - In living color You can do what you wanna doin living color [Audience Applauding, Cheering.]
Ladies and gentlemen, Keenan Ivory Wayans.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Welcome to the show.
Glad you could join us tonight.
We're gonna have a lot of fun.
A few surprises.
So even if you gotta go, hold it for about a half.
We'll be back.
See ya.
You can do what you wanna doin living color [Announcer.]
Tired of making up lame excuses? Don't you wanna cuddle? Baby needs a hug.
[Yawning.]
I can't hug you right now.
I'm still sleeping.
[Announcer.]
Is postcoital cuddling bringing you down? See, you don't understand.
I got to be somewhere at 6:00 tomorrow morning.
Then I'll leave with you.
No.
But, uh, you can't leave with me.
.
.
'cause my car was in an accident and it only has one seat left.
- Then I'll sit on your lap.
- Uh, listen.
Now, I didn't wanna have to tell you this, and it's top secret.
I'm on a mission for the C.
I.
A.
I have to travel alone.
It's a matter of life and death.
But if you die, I don't wanna live.
[Thinking.]
Geez, what do I have to do to get rid of her? [Announcer.]
Sounds like you needthe Ejector Bed from Rudeco.
Yes, it's simple to operate and can ejectup to 2,000 pounds in a single thrust.
Oh, wow.
This never happened to me before.
I guess I must've been under a lot of stress.
Maybe some fresh air might help.
[Announcer.]
Yes, the Ejector Bed.
Your best friendin a sticky situation.
- [Woman.]
Honey, I'm home.
- [Gasps.]
- It's my wife.
- Oh, no! Where will I hide? [Announcer.]
Don't get caught without one.
The Ejector Bed from Rudeco.
Ejector Desk and Ejector Chairsold separately.
Yes! All right, guys.
Guys! Benny, now since it's your last night of freedom.
.
.
[Laughs.]
The guys thought you should have your cake and eat it too.
[All Whooping.]
- What the.
.
.
- Surprise, Benny! Frenchie has "arrivayed"! Hey, and it's a good thing, "mon soup de jours," 'cause on the way in here, they had this little skinny girl with a half a pair of drawers on.
I said, " Woman, don't you know this is a bachelor party?" Sent her home, man.
- What? - You did what? Who is this guy? Allow me to introduce myself.
The name is Leonard, but all my friends call me "Frenchie.
" 'Cause I'm hip, I'm slick and all the women love my eight tracks.
- Gotcha! - Man, how the hell did you find me again.
! Oh, well, it wasn't easy.
I had to follow every caterer in town.
There's about 457 of'em.
Finally, I tracked down the guy from Samurai Sushi, followed him right over here.
- Samurai Sushi? - That's right.
- So-So wait a minute.
Where are they now? - Well, "mon Frusen Gladje," they was about to bring y'all some raw fish.
I said, " Hey, little Chinaman, you better get your butt in the kitchen.
.
.
"and put some cornmeal on that and fry it up right.
That's right, and don't you forget the hot sauce.
" - Frenchie! - Hey, hey, hey.
Don't worry, "mon Lean Cuisine.
" In the meantime, I got pork rinds and pig feet for everybody.
- [All Groaning.]
- Come on, man.
Eat up, y'all.
Man, come on.
Benny, just forget that clown.
Now you got to think how beautiful Karen is gonna look tomorrow.
She'd better.
It cost me a fortune.
- Her dress by Dior.
- Mm-hmm.
Her diamond, Cartier.
And her hair, Sassoon.
Hey, man.
Well, if you're gonna look good, you got to spend the money.
My suit from Piggly Wiggly.
My shoes, they from Fayva.
.
.
and my hair done by World of Curls.
Yeah, uh, look, how about a movie, guys? Hey, say no more.
Say no more.
I got the tape right here, y'all.
Now this here's a real man's film.
Go on, put it on.
- Oh, here you go.
- [Sensuous.]
Hey, Frenchie, she's not bad.
The good stuff's on the way now.
Right there.
What the hell is this? Disco Godfather? - That's right.
Rudy Ray Moore at his best.
- Rudy Ray Moore? He's the writer, director and choreographer.
Man, I'm telling you.
Can't nobody do the robot like Rudy Ray Moore, man.
- Man, you're outta your mind.
- Uh, guys.
Uh, I guess it's time for a toast.
[Laughs.]
All right, guys.
Now, you guys all know.
.
.
on our freshman year at Harvard.
.
.
- Benny and I bought a bottle of 1952 Dom Perignon.
- Whoo.
! Now here's the deal.
We swore not to open this bottle until one of us got married.
And you beat me.
Congratulations.
So here it is ma.
.
.
Hey, what happened to the champagne? Oh, the champ.
.
.
Oh, man, I threw that old stuff out, man.
My friend Benny can't drink nothing from 1950.
That's the best.
.
.
1991 Cold Duck.
- What? You poured it out? - December.
Hey, don't thank me.
It was my "pleaziray.
" 'Cause I'm hip, slick and all the women love my typing skills.
- Man.
He's gonna get it.
- Aw, listen.
Don't worry.
.
.
Benny, come on.
Don't worry.
At least you still got your gift.
[All Laughing.]
[Hysterical Laughter.]
Whoo! Now that was "tres Epilady.
" But I got you something that you can really use.
Check it out, Benny.
- That's from me to you.
- Hey.
Hey.
A Mercedes emblem.
This will go good with my car.
Well, it is off your car.
I hit it on the way in.
- But the chain is my idea.
- What! You curl king, get out of my house! Get out of here! Oh, come on, Jacques Cousteau.
Don't be so Grey Poupon.
Oh, come on! King Cobra, you're out of here! Come on! - Get out of here! Get out of here! - But, Benny.
- Hi! Is Frenchie here? - Come on in, "mon petit croutons.
" - Frenchie, who are these women? - That's what I was trying to explain to you, Benny.
The little girl in the half-pair of drawers.
.
.
I told her one wasn't gonna be enough.
I told her go home and get her friends.
That's right.
'Cause I'm hip, I'm slick and all the women love my.
.
.
Y'all fill it in.
Come on now! - Hit that box! - [Dance.]
Work it out.
[Disco.]
- [Laughing.]
- [Continues.]
[Announcer.]
Have you recentlybeen injured? Were you fullycompensated for all damages? Chances are somebodygot away with murder.
At the law offices of Lonnie Parker.
.
.
they specialize in personal injury claims.
- Hi.
I'm Lonnie Parker.
- [Sirens Wailing.]
And it's my job to see that you get what you deserve.
Lonnie Parker got me Thanks, Lonnie.
Lonnie Parker got my husband one million dollars.
.
.
- and I've never been happier.
- [Chuckles.]
Thanks, Lonnie.
Lonnie got me four million for my accident.
Thanks, Lonnie.
Thank you.
If you've been in an accident.
.
.
or are going to be in an accident, please give me a call.
I promise to get you full value for your tragedy.
Hablemos español.
Call 555-L-O-N-Y.
- Lonnie.
That's me.
- [Rings.]
- And I'll.
.
.
- [Together.]
See that you get cash for your crash.
[Announcer.]
Call now, 555-LONYand get cash for your crash.
[Dance.]
[Continues.]
[Announcer.]
Now back tothe comedy stylings of Les and Wes Rawls.
[Audience Whistling, Clapping.]
Other kids were afraid of the dark.
.
.
we were afraid of loud, ripping noises.
[Laughs.]
Yeah.
And we didn't drink milk, we drank half-and-half.
That's half-and-half because we're twins.
We're Siam.
.
.
- Remember those fights in the car, huh? - Yeah.
Hey, Mom, Les's kidneys are on my half.
Our favorite show is Twin Peaks.
- I didn't even get it out.
Twin Peaks.
- [Booing.]
We're twins.
Did I mention we're Siamese.
.
.
But the worse thing was when he had his growth spurt first.
I mean, my feet didn't touch the ground for two years.
Thank you and good night.
You've been beautiful.
Mine did! We killed, man.
We killed! They loved us, man.
No.
I killed, you died.
Look at you.
You know, I'm getting tired of carrying you.
[Laughs.]
"Carrying you.
" That's funny.
That's a new joke.
That's great.
We can use that in the act.
We'll open with.
.
.
- Les.
Les.
I mean it.
- What? I'm tired of your lame jokes.
I'm tired of these crummy clubs.
I'm tired of you passing gas and blaming me.
I've got a nervous stomach.
My half.
- I don't wanna hear it.
I'm tired of these cleaning bills.
- What are you saying? I'm saying that I'm splitting up the act.
Splitting up the act, man? I don't understand.
We're a team.
Wes, you need me like Abbott needs Costello, man.
I need you like Michael needs Tito.
He does.
Who's gonna watch the monkey? Forget it, Les.
I made up my mind.
- I'm goin' solo.
- Yeah? Well, let's see how far you get without me.
- Hi, everybody.
I'm John Tesh.
- I'm Leeza Gibbons.
Welcome back to Entertainment Tonight.
Next up, comedian Wes Rawls, who's joining us via satellite.
.
.
from the set of his new movie with director Steven Spielberg.
- Thanks for joining us, Wes.
- Well, thanks for having me, Leeza and John.
I just want to say working with Stevie is really an experience.
Now, Wes, in moment here, we're gonna show our folks at home a clip from your movie.
But, first, I want to ask you about that other guy that you used to work with.
- Whatever happened to him? - Well, that guy was actually my brother.
- And, uh, we don't really keep in touch anymore.
- [Loud Snoring.]
But, I'm sure wherever he is, his heart is with me.
I know mine's with him.
[Chuckles.]
Where are we? Where are we? Wes, we seem to be getting some static on the line here.
It's really big of you that you never held a grudge.
- Was it a painful parting? - Yeah.
- I guess you could say it really tore me up.
- [Both Chuckling.]
I'm supposed to be in bed.
The doctor said I should stay in bed.
- What are we doing here? - Well, you know, I'm sure you could crack us up all night.
- But why don't we take this time to roll that clip from your new movie.
- [Coughs.]
[Karate Yell.]
[Announcer.]
He was justone man against the worldof organized crime.
Fortunately, Wes Rawlsprefers to fight alone.
Oh, that hurt.
And, fortunately, Wes Rawlsprefers to kill alone.
Wes Rawls is Lone Wolf.
- Wessie? - Yes, pumpkin? Whatever happened to your brother? I mean, you should really try to talk to him.
Yeah.
Brothers really shouldn't fight.
Oh, I guess you guys are right.
I mean, it was kind of silly.
I tell you what I'm gonna do.
First thing in the morning, I'll give him a call.
Promise.
But I tell you what.
For right now, let's get back to business.
- Shall we? - [Women Giggling.]
Yeah.
[Giggles.]
Just let me correct this for a second.
.
.
Les, what are you doing? I thought I told you to fill the french fry bin.
- I was getting ready.
.
.
- Look at this.
The coffee's cold.
- You didn't even change the mop water.
- I would've.
.
.
The whole dining area smells like sour milk and pickle juice.
- I got my shoes off.
- What are you operating on, half a brain? Get it together.
- [Phone Ringing.]
- I'm an idiot, sir.
I'm stupid.
I'm sorry.
Burgers are Wild.
This is Les speaking.
How may I help you? I'm wild to take your order.
- Les.
- Yes? - Les, it's me.
- Wes, is that you? - Yeah, man.
- Why are you calling me? Well, I've been thinking.
You know, we shouldn't be fighting.
I mean, we're brothers.
We should stick together, you know? - That's the way I feel, Wes.
- Hey.
- Yeah? - I think I even found a way we can work together again.
- [Clamoring.]
- Get the door.
All right, all right.
Just calm down.
Calm down.
He'll sign everybody's autograph.
Just give him a chance.
- [Cameras Clicking.]
- Just be patient.
I guess I can say I'm your right-hand man on the left side, huh, Wes? Yeah, kid.
But, look, uh, in public, it's Mr.
Rawls, okay? Yes, sir, Mr.
Rawls.
Don't touch him.
- [Object Thuds On Sidewalk.]
- Get the bags, will ya? Get the luggage.
- I'm sorry.
- I should've left you flipping burgers.
Come on! - I'm sorry, sir.
- I go in first, not the bags.
- Come on.
- Yes, sir.
Don't you just love our new house, honey? Oh, it's so much bigger than that cramped apartment in the city.
Come on, son.
Let's get this last box.
What the heck is in this thing? [Man.]
Hey! What the hell's going on? - [Grunts.]
- Son, come here.
What the hell is going on here? I've been kidnapped by the Brady Bunch.
- Uh, who are you? - He's a bum.
I ain't no bum.
I'm an independent contractor.
.
.
who solicits donations and investments in a fresh air environment.
That's what I said.
He's a bum.
The movers must've picked up his box by mistake.
Hey, mister, this ain't no box.
This is my house, and I live here.
[Laughs.]
You have transported it against its will.
You'll be hearing from my legal firm of Ernest and Julio Gallo.
[Sniffs.]
I smell a lawsuit.
I smell something worse than that.
Oh, that's my new line of toilet water.
You know, like Cher has "Uninhibited"? Well, mine is called "Unflushed.
" Well, whatever it is, you're gonna have to leave.
- Honey, it is our fault that he's here, after all.
- That's right.
- He is a human being.
- That's right.
- So? - True.
So let's show him a little charity, huh? Yeah, show a little charity.
Okay.
He can stay tonight, but he goes back to the city in the morning.
Good man.
Good man.
Hey.
I think your wife got a crush on me.
[Laughs.]
Y'all just go ahead and do what y'all normally do.
Pretend I'm not even here.
Just go on and do what you would normally do.
Actually, we were about to have dinner.
Would you like to break bread with us? I don't mind if I do.
I just broke wind.
[Laughs.]
Oh, y'all sit down and eat, huh? Is that the thing? Oh, this is some new stuff here.
Look, I want y'all to know I ain't no freeloader.
I ain't just gonna eat up your food.
I wanna contribute something to this meal.
Now, I've been using this piece of bologna.
.
.
to plug up the hole in my shoe.
But since this is a special occasion, you go ahead and fry that up.
How thoughtful.
Oh, I got some doughnuts too.
[Together.]
Uh, we're not hungry.
Let's unpack some more.
I've got some homework.
Dad, can you help me with my math? I'm very busy, son.
Maybe a little later, okay? Hey, let me handle that.
I did all right in the math class.
Hey, look here, junior.
Say you got three boogers over here.
And you got.
.
.
four and a half boogers over here.
Now, I wipe three of'em off on this plate.
- What do you got? - Five? No.
A bad cold.
[Laughs.]
- A bad cold.
- What do you know? It's time to go to bed.
- Here we go, Billy.
Good night.
- 'Night, Billy.
Don't let the boogeyman get you.
If you need anything, the bathroom is right down the hall.
Oh, no.
That's okay.
I'm using my own facilities.
Oh, that's it.
He's going back to the city! - You just fit it in like that.
- That's it.
You're going back.
How am I gonna get back to the city? Hold that for me.
No.
Just take $20.
Take a cab or something.
Twenty dollars? What about my house? You destroyed my property.
Here's another 20.
Buy a new house.
What about my emotional distress and loss of income? That's a hundred dollars.
Would you please just leave? Hey, listen.
Do me a favor.
Give that to the kid for me.
- I'll leave it right there.
- Oh, yeah.
[Singing.]
Yo.
Keenan's been dissed and dismissed.
I'm running things now.
It's my pleasure to introduce from Strong Island, uh.
.
.
off the Elektra Records, these are the Leaders of the New School.
Give it up.
[Hip-hop.]
[Rapping.]
[Continues.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]