M*A*S*H (MASH) s02e16 Episode Script

## [Off-key "Retreat".]
##[Off-key Continues.]
Parade rest.
As you all know, tonight Colonel Blake will resume his command after a week in Tokyo.
Now, unless I made a few remarks about my recent stint as your temporary supreme commander, I would be derelict in my "officiousness.
" I think you'll all agree that by trying to introduce more discipline, more order, I have hopefully made this a more enjoyable war for all of us.
Leadership is a lonely business.
Your Napoleons, your Kaisers, your Attilas the Hun were all alone there in the front office as I have been this week.
I have thought of you, and, oh, you have thought of me.
But some of the notes in the suggestion box were really below the belt.
I mean, why drag my mother into this? - [Mutters.]
- Oh.
Well, um, that's about it.
Corporal, deform the men.
Company, ten-hut! Dismissed.
## [Off-key.]
To the return of Henry Blake.
Able to leap tall bar stools at a single bound.
Faster than a speeding nurse.
- It's Super Colonel! - Ta-da! - More cocoa, Frank? - Just a smidge.
Frank, I'm gonna show you something you've never seen before.
Oh? My diary.
Last night's entry.
"Dear Diary.
I can't go to sleep before I tell you "about my scrumptious Major F.
B.
"In the last few days, it's been so exciting to watch his growth "as a commander.
"Diary, I really feel this man, dare I say, my man, "has greatness in him.
And I'm grateful that a little bit of it occasionally rubs off on me.
" - Oh, Margaret.
- [Knocking.]
- [Radar.]
Major Burns, sir? - He's not here! We had a call from Col.
Blake.
- What is it? - Are you there? I just got here.
He's doing a snap inspection.
Yes, sirs.
Just slip the message under the door.
It's verbal.
I'll get my mouth dirty.
[Groaning.]
- What is it? - Col.
Blake's apologies, sir.
He won't be home for two more days, and he said that you should keep carrying on.
I guess that goes for both of you.
That'll be all, Corporal.
Dismissed.
Smoke if you got 'em.
I don't smoke, sir.
- Then go to sleep, on the double! - Yes, sir.
Two whole days! - Hit it! - Hit it! ##[P.
A: "Pomp and Circumstance".]
Ten-hut! - The O.
R.
Was jumping, huh? - Full house every night.
- I think we're ready to open the war on Broadway.
- Lots of head wounds.
That comes from trying to take hills the other guys have grown fond of.
You pulled every one of'em through.
You guys make me look awful good.
- All right, Henry, what is it? - What is what it? Henry, you're bursting with something.
Your face could open a branch smile.
Okay, guys, brace yourselves.
- Sit down.
- We're sitting, Henry.
Then I'll sit.
I can't sit.
I'm already sitting.
- Then I gotta stand.
- Henry! Okay, guys, okay.
I'm in love.
Okay, guys, okay.
I'm in love.
Okay, okay, I know it's crazy.
I'm 44 years old and I only hear about half of what anybody says.
And I'm starting to brush my hair with a towel.
And my hips are forming a rain gutter for my waist.
And I'm thinking about moving my cot into the latrine so that I can cut down on the traveling time.
And yet, this middle-aged mess from Bloomington, Illinois, is head-over-heels, puppy-dog in love.
Well, don't keep us in suspense.
Who's the man, woman or child? - Check one.
- Fourth picture's the best.
That's a nice looking kid.
- Real winner.
- And you're in love with her mother? Get out.
No, that's it.
That's her.
Nancy Sue Parker.
Nancy Sue.
Henry, did you get a chance to ask her her age before the gym teacher called the police? Just a minute here.
She's no kid.
She'll be 21 in August.
Henry, you've got a corn that's 21.
Okay, okay.
I know, I know.
I'm a damned fool, right? - No, Henry, we didn't say that.
- Where did you meet her? I'm in the Dai-Ichi Hotel coffee shop with Mel Rosenbloom.
He's the - The U.
N.
Gynecologist? - The U.
N.
Gynecologist.
And we're trying to decide which bathhouse to go to after breakfast.
Well, the hostess comes over and she says, "Do you mind sharing?" And wham, bang, Miss Nancy Sue Parker of Independence, Ohio, pulls up a chair and sits right down in my heart.
- Hit me.
- She's a clerk typist, a civilian, with the air force.
Our eyes met and it was as though we'd known each other all our lives.
Except that you're one life up on her.
Half-hour later, there I am, Dr.
Henry Blake walking down the Ginza holding hands with that beautiful kid, capillaries wide open wanting to yell, "I'm in love" to everybody in sight.
Secure in the knowledge that very few Japanese correspond with your wife.
[Mclntyre.]
Oops.
- You said the magic word.
- It's an ordinary word.
Something found around the house every day.
Hey, what what am I gonna do about Lorraine? Henry, what is there to do? You've flung your fling.
You spent a week in the rumble seat of the time machine.
Now it's back to Dr.
And Mrs.
Henry Blake regret to announce their forthcoming anniversary.
It's not that simple.
I mean, you guys aren't reading me.
I've got the big "L," L-U-V the real thing.
Hawkeye pegged it, Henry.
You think you're the first to do what you did? Hold it.
It's happened to many a married man, dead or alive.
I grant you, sometimes you can't always tell the difference.
Henry, why don't you just file this under "Andy Hardy Remembers His Teeth in the Glass.
" Okay, I think you guys will be clued in better on Friday when Miss Parker comes up for the weekend from Tokyo.
Gloryosky, Henry.
It will all be on the up-and-up, of course.
Well, of course.
I mean, she'll have her own tent and I'll be in mine.
Right.
Now, if you'll excuse us, we'll start digging the tunnel.
## [Humming.]
- [Door Rattling.]
- Hello? [Radar.]
Uh, the door's locked, sir.
Um, hang on, Radar.
This door's never locked.
Just hold your bladder, Radar.
Come in.
What is it, Radar? - Huh? - You wanted to see me? Yes.
Captain Cosgrove confirmed that he'll fly Miss Parker that's the young lady here at 1700 hours Friday night.
Thank you.
Yes, sir.
Uh, flowers will be placed in the V.
I.
P.
Tent immediately after delousing and disinfecting.
That's lovely.
Anything else? Uh There'll beJapanese lanterns in the officers' club and the cook is making a special cocktail dip out of powdered eggs, lard and prune juice.
Sounds yummy.
Radar.
- Sir? - See to it that this gets put on the jukebox, please? - "You Make Me Feel So Young"? - Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
- Is that it? - Uh, yes, sir.
- Good.
- Oh.
These letters from home came while you were away.
Mm-hmm.
Just put 'em on my desk.
Well, if you want I could wait for you to dictate an answer.
- That'll do, Radar.
- Yes, sir.
Mm-hmm.
[Indistinct Chattering.]
- How you doing, champ? - Terrific.
Henry, your hair is bleeding.
Four, - five - Half-hour to Miss Parker, sir.
- Uh-huh.
- You okay? Of course I am.
Twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine - Hey, Henry, she get here yet? - Not yet.
The school bus must be late.
Pierce, 86 on those cracks.
- As a personal order? - Okay, Henry.
Teenager at 2:00.
- Hi! - Hi, Henry.
Oh! Easy.
Now watch it.
Don't get your pretty little foot caught.
Kill your engine, will you? I'm a doctor, you can believe me.
That's a nice leg.
That sweater's not filled with chopped liver either.
Whoopsie.
Watch the mud.
Radar! Hold on.
Miss Nancy Sue Parker, these are Captains Pierce And these are Captains Mclntyre.
Hi.
So nice to meet you.
Henry's told me what great doctors you are.
Just by seeing you I can tell it's true.
- Radar! - Yes, sir? - Would you take Miss Parker's - Bags.
Yes, sir.
And you, you just have to be Corporal O'Reilly.
Yes, I just have to be, ma'am.
Nobody else wants to be.
Is he adorable? You just wanna take him home and cuddle him.
We do that all the time.
But if you get him wet, his stuffing comes out.
Okay, guys, I think we'll just run along.
Would you like to freshen up, Nancy? Whatever you say.
You're the boss.
It's nice to have met you.
Will I see you again? Oh, yes, we live here.
Well, come along, dear.
- What do you think? - The age difference could be a problem.
Yeah.
She's 21 and his wife is 42.
Well, here you go.
Yep, we've had a lot of V.
I.
P.
S in here.
But no one V.
I.
P.
Er than you.
Okay, Radar.
Mucho "appreciado.
" Thanks a lot.
Uh, will that be all, sir? That'll be more than all, Radar.
Do you wanna answer those letters home, sir? Not now, Radar.
- Yes, sir.
- Bye, Radar.
Bye, ma'am.
He really is adorable.
The whole place is adorable! Oh, Henry.
- Gosh, did I ever miss you.
- Me too.
- You're all I thought about.
- Me too.
- What are you wearing? - Practically nothing.
Rats! I gotta go on duty.
I got a patient with a weepy abscess.
- Boy, I love you.
- Me too.
##[Soft Jazz.]
- Good evening, Lieutenant, Captain.
- Hi, Kwang.
- Dry martini, right, Captain? - There should be dust on the olive.
- Sheila? - I'd like something weak.
How 'bout me? I can't say no to anybody.
- I'll just have some ginger ale.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Oh.
- ## [Humming.]
There she is.
Nancy Sue, I'd like you to meet two of my friends.
This is Bob.
Is that what all the fuss is about? - [Henry Laughing.]
- He's making a jackass out of himself.
- It's immoral.
- Disgusting.
- Frank, is that your knee? - I thought it was yours.
Well, as long as it's ours.
Watch it.
- All we have to be is polite.
Simply correct.
- Right.
- Anything more looks like we approve.
- How could we? A married man fooling around with another woman.
- Honey, I want you to meet some people.
- Okay.
Miss Parker, Majors Houlihan and Burns.
Nancy, Margaret, Frank.
I'm Frank.
She's Margaret.
It's a very genuine pleasure to have you at the 4077 th, Nancy dear.
Oh, it's mine too.
Everyone's been so terrific about being nice to me.
It's nice to be nice to the nice.
She's darling, Henry.
Looks a little like your oldest daughter, doesn't she, Frank? He has three.
They're all back in the States.
Well, "goom-bye," people.
We're gonna wet our whistle.
Glad to have met you.
"It's nice to be nice to the nice"? Just making conversation.
Try doing it with your mouth shut.
Well, have fun, kids.
Oh, you remember Capt.
Pierce.
And this is Lt.
Sturner.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Can I interest you two in a blast? Kwang, we'll have - One Pink Lady.
- And I'll have a Peach Blow Fizz.
- [Kwang.]
Yes, sir.
- Uh-huh.
- Golly, you really have a fun command.
- Oh, yes.
- ##["Buckle Down, Winsocki".]
- Now you have gone and done it.
- Done what, dear? This is just like my music from Ohio State.
I used to be a cheerleader.
I don't know why that doesn't surprise me.
Does that take me back to those Saturday afternoons.
Kwang, I think we'll have our drinks at the table.
God, makes my legs homesick.
- Give us a cheer, Nance.
- Pierce.
Come on.
One for the Gipper.
Look at Henry.
The proud father.
- ##[Ends.]
- Oh! [Mclntyre.]
Wow.
Oh, wow! That was swell.
Big news, Nancy.
The team broke its leg.
They want you to star in the second half.
I used to be so much better.
I'm so out of shape.
- Is there anything I can do to help? - Steady, Mclntyre.
- Your drinks, Colonel.
- Thanks, Kwang.
- That was really nice.
- [Man Over P.
A.
.]
Attention Doctors Blake and Mclntyre.
Report to surgery on the double.
It's an emergency.
Doctors Blake and Mclntyre.
- Oh, fudge! - Henry, I'll work with Trapper.
No, no, you've had a little of the wet stuff, Pierce.
I'll take it.
I'll be right back.
Nancy, it's all in a day's work.
- Come on, Mclntyre.
- We'll keep your drinks warm.
Okay.
- What do you think? - Yuck.
- I meant Nancy.
- What's not to like? - Yeah.
- Suction.
- Suction.
- Everybody likes Nancy.
I honestly think even my wife would like her.
Henry, get away from the ether.
So this happened three times.
Finally, the guy turned to his wife and said [Plane Passing By.]
Thanks a lot.
Good night, Captain.
Good night, Lieutenant.
- Aren't you supposed to salute? - We don't know each other well enough.
- Good night, Nancy.
Nice meeting you.
- Me too.
She your girl? No, I'm married to my work.
I'm too cheap to buy a ring.
- Well, here you go.
I'll see you tomorrow, I'm sure.
- I'm sure.
- Breakfast is at 5:00.
- But isn't it still dark then? It helps if you can't see it.
- Speaking of seeing - The light is right on the Here.
- Thanks.
- No charge.
- You're tall.
- My folks planned it that way.
They saved up their money, so no matter what happened, I'd be tall when I was 21.
- I love tall men.
- Me too.
I've always been crazy about Abe Lincoln.
Hawkeye, the first time we met, you knew it too.
- It was in the air.
- That was Henry.
He was sweating a lot.
Nancy.
In the first place, I wanna thank you from the bottom of my mouth.
Secondly, we're not in the parking lot at the prom.
And lastly, one of us loves Henry Blake, and I think it's me.
It was nice meeting you and your pom-poms.
- Hey, buddy.
- Beat it.
I haven't got a dime for a cup of coffee.
Henry's Nancy just gave me a good night tonsillectomy you wouldn't believe.
- You're kidding.
- And Henry thinks he's found the real thing.
Holy cow.
Radar just got Henry out of postop to talk to his wife on the telephone.
Come on, before he blows his marriage.
- Was she good? - My lips may never walk again.
Don't send me your stubs.
I can't balance your checkbook in a war zone.
Lorraine? Lorraine? Lorraine, please don't talk to me and the kids at the same time.
L What Andrew? Andrew, I don't care if your sister did put an ice cube down your underwear.
Girls will do that.
You mustn't hit her with the dog.
Now look, Andrew.
Until I get home, you're the man of the house.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know Mommy thinks that she is, but you really are.
So behave yourself and take good care of everybody till I get back.
Just as soon as the war is over, son.
Okay, pal, put her on.
Lorraine, honey Yeah.
Send me the check stubs.
I'll straighten it out.
Of course I do.
Good-bye, darling.
What do you guys want? - We We just wanted to say good night, Henry.
- Right, yeah.
Listen.
Remember I said I found a girl who was the real thing? Well, she's $68 overdrawn.
- Good night.
- Good night, Henry.
Good night.
- Radar? - Sir? - My wife was very grateful that I called her.
- Yes, sir.
Makes me wish I had.
Well, I figured since you didn't have time to answer her letters Good night, Radar.
See you at breakfast.
Yes, sir.
5:00 sharp.
Let's give ourselves a treat, huh? Yes, sir.
Now, you will call me, won't you, Henry? Oh, yeah, sure.
I don't get to Tokyo that often, but you'll be the first.
Good-bye, Henry.
Rah, rah.
That's life, huh? I couldn't wait till she got here.
Now I'm glad she's gone.
Just as well, Henry.
If you'd sucked your gut in one more time, your belly button would've fallen out your back.