My Name is Earl s02e16 Episode Script

I told you- the light beer drinks faster.
Well, it only makes sense.
My name is Earl.
Check it out.
I was in my deaf lawyer's office, and the most unbelievable thing happened.
- She can hear now? - No, you idiot.
- She can see through walls? - Yeah, that's it, genius.
She can see through walls.
With Joy's court date gettin'closer she was meetin'with her lawyer's assistant to go over a few things.
Don't say things you've seen in the movies like "You're out of order," or "You can't handle the truth.
" It's all here, in this pamphlet.
God, don't you have anything shorter? There is nothing shorter.
That's why it's called a "pamphlet.
" Technically, there is a leaflet or a flyer.
Just make sure your whole family's in court- parents, husband, cousins, even your half sister.
Half sister? I don't have a half sister.
Um, according to our background check, you do.
- That son of a bitch.
- Last Christmas Joy's father admitted to several multiracial extramarital affairs.
So her havin'a half sister didn't come as that much of a shock.
- Wow, a half sister.
- Is it the top half or the bottom? I'm amazed they even kept her alive.
I'm amazed they kept you alive.
Congratulations.
That's great.
Yeah, great like a weenie wart.
You're never gonna guess who it is.
Liberty Washington.
Liberty Washington was Joy's sworn enemy ever since kindergarten.
She said I was supposed to erase it, dummy.
No! She said I could, you road whore! Your mama's a road whore! As Joy and Liberty grew, so did their hatred for each other.
And that's why America should join the League of Nations.
Thank you, President Wilson.
Mr.
Henry Cabot Lodge, your rebuttal.
Rebuttal? Or big-buttal? - President Wilson smokes cigarettes down by the creek.
Oh, yeah? Well, I happen to know that Henry Cabot Lodge has a condom in her purse.
- Bring it! - Let's do this! Girls.
As time passed, and they saw each other less and less they still managed to hate each other more and more.
Liberty! Joy.
Parking space says "Compact," so unless you want a ticket, you better move your fat ass! What'd you just say? Whoa! Whoa! Oh, hell no! - Oh, you gonna cut me? - Oh, yeah.
Okay.
What do I got? Enjoy the parking space, 'cause you're gonna be here for a while! Liberty, just calm down, okay? I got hair spray and a lighter.
- Hope your man likes barbecue.
- Bring it.
Don't test her.
I've seen her cook a turkey that way.
- Just-Just go.
- Fine.
But I'm not leavin' because I'm scared.
I'm leavin' to find my man a new parkin' space.
Hmph! I could've taken her.
You've seen how much damage I can do with a homemade blowtorch.
I got a better idea.
Let's see how much damage we can do with her credit card that I just took.
Me and Joy went on a big shoppin'spree on Liberty's dime.
We even paid for a homeless man to have laser eye surgery then hired him as a butler for the day.
Sir, madame, your pockets are hot.
And by the end of the month, Liberty was up to her eyeballs in debt.
No, I did not buy tickets to Graceland.
Elvis stole his music from the black man.
Why would I want to see what he bought with the money? And there it was.
Number 101 on my list- - Hello.
- stole a girl's identity.
If I was rentin'jet skis in Tennessee right now do you think I'd be answerin' this phone call? Can you believe that somebody with my blood runnin' through their veins could be such a royal bitch? God! How come I never got anything from that stolen card? How do you think we paid for your tap dancing lessons? Oh, yeah.
I was really good at that.
When we went to Liberty's to make up for stealin'her identity I found out she'd always known there was a white sheep in her family.
Yeah, my mama told me she was my half sister but I was led to believe if I kept quiet, there'd be a college fund when I turned 18.
But I think by lookin' at my house, you can tell that didn't materialize.
Talkin' aboutJoy gets her so agitated it even upsets Mr.
Bearded Dragon over there.
Last week, he couldn't even eat his lettuce and whatnot.
Not even the arugula.
Anyway, I was hopin' to do something to make up for runnin' up your credit card.
I don't know what you can do.
I got all that debt erased.
They finally realized a black woman didn't have any use for a tanning bed orJimmy Buffet tickets.
Hey, Liberty, my sister's watchin' the twins so if you want to wrestle, we gotta do it now.
Turns out Liberty was tryin'to become a pro wrestler.
Every Saturday at Camden High, they had amateur wrestling events and Liberty was becoming the star.
She knew that wrestling needs controversy so she paid her neighbor to be her rival.
She also knew she wanted the crowd on her side and it was hard for people not to root for Liberty when she was fightin'the Klanimal.
Her neighbor Karen was not only light enough to throw around she was a former ice skater, so she had some good moves.
Even Liberty's husband, Ray Ray, was in the routine.
He played an evil manager called "Da Man.
'" Martin Luther King Boulevard? Not in my town! It's gonna be Wayne Newton Avenue! A talent scout from the Black Ladies of Wrestling was coming to see her at the end of the month, and Liberty was ready.
That's so cool that you're a wrestling villain.
Only time I got to be a villain was in a church play.
I got to pokeJesus with a broomstick spear.
- All right, it's practice time.
- Baby.
I'm still dizzy from that pile driver on Saturday.
I love you, Ray Ray, but you're gonna have to suck it up.
- I have an audition, and I need a villain! - It's pretty outside.
When was the last time we just went for a walk? - Why do you always have to drop me on my head? - Here we go again.
- Well, wrestling is your thing.
- Waa, waa, waa.
I like picking wildflowers and guessing what the clouds look like.
You're squashing my dreams, Ray Ray! You're squashing my dreams! Can I take Ray Ray's place, Earl? I think it'd be fun to be a wrestling villain.
Plus, I'd be good at it 'cause I got a really hard head you can break stuff on.
Remember the bottle and the shovel and that thing they measure your feet with at the shoe store? Well, technically, I should be the person helpin'.
But I know how much you love wrestlin'.
What do you think, Liberty? Well, let's see.
Hey, Ray Ray! You can go on that long walk with your stupid lizard! I found a new white devil! While Randy's dream of gettin'beat up by a woman in tights was finally comin'true Joy was tryin'to find ways to make herself more sympathetic to herjury.
Come on, Mr.
Turtle.
If you're gonna keep sleepin' with us you're gonna have to do somethin' about your breath.
This pamphlet says pregnant women have a 50% higher acquittal rate with sympathetic juries.
Double snap.
- Darnell, get your jammy bottoms off right now.
- Why? Because you're gonna get me impregnated so I won't be incarcerated.
Damn, I know a lot of big words.
Joy, that's a terrible reason to have a baby.
A terrible reason? Darnell, the reason I had my first child was a broken condom.
The reason I had my second one was because we were standin' up you had a cramp in your leg, prohibitin' you from makin' a timely exit.
Stayin'out ofjail is the best reason I've ever had.
- Now, gimme that thingy and let's do this.
- No, no, no! Stop pullin' on me! What if the worst case scenario happens and you go to prison? Then I'll be takin' care of three kids who miss their mama and that's not fair to them or to me.
Is that all you think about- you and the kids? I love you, Joy.
But I'm sorry, I won't do it.
Fine! But just so you know I didn't wash the sheets from last night yet, so I may not need you anyway! Since nowadays wrestling is planned in advance I played Liberty to help Randy learn his lines.
"Step off, 'cause you're about to get bum-rushed by a black woman with an attitude.
- Bi-otch.
" - "W ell, come at me.
"Even if you knock me down, you're not gettin' anywhere because I made sure the S.
A.
T.
s are 'rackially' biased.
" "Oh, no, you 'di-int.
' Bring it on, sucka fool.
" Hey, Randy, I just saw a praying mantis eating a monster cricket down by the swimmin' pool.
Cool.
I've been waitin' for someone to step up and take on that cricket.
Well, looky here.
Looks like we got us a little private time.
- You want to have sex? - Joy, are you crazy? Crazy for you.
Made us some sangria.
I'll drink the sangria, but the days of me and you havin' sex are over.
I need to get knocked up, Earl.
Juries go easier on pregnant women and you know I got a deaf lawyer and I'm guilty, so I need all the help I can get and Darnell's not givin' it to me, so I need it from you.
Look, it sounds like a perfectly good plan, but I can't be a part of that.
Besides, I can't do that to Darnell.
Oh, come on, Earl.
You spent a few years taking care of one of his babies.
- Now he can take care of one of yours.
- Joy, just go home.
God.
I have never been Two-for-three, but never 0-for-2.
Randy.
You know where babies come from? Yeah.
The bottom of that fuzzy lightning bolt.
Joy! Is that sangria? So I went back to my list item, which meant more lookin'at girls wrestlin'.
Five, six, seven.
And bribe the ref, turn around hit, kick, gouge the eyes palm the blood pack, rake the face.
Blind man reach, blind man reach.
Hey, baby.
There's a man on the phone wants to know if we're interested in a mountain time-share.
Says there's only two left, so we gotta act quick.
Not interested.
Is that quick enough for you? My mama was a telemarketer.
They have feelings.
Well, so do I.
And right now, I don't feel your support of my wrestlin' dreams.
Well, support is a two-way street.
If you're bringin' up that baby thing right now, I swear I'm gonna lose my mind.
My daddy was a Ray.
I'm a Ray Ray.
I want a Ray Ray Ray.
Damn it, Ray Ray, you think I don't want a little mochachino bambino runnin' around here? Of course I do.
But a girl can'tjust give up on her dream.
I did.
I could've skated in Nagano, but Carlos knocked me up.
- I want a baby! - We're not talkin' about this.
- Oh, yes, we are.
- I'll tell you what.
We can talk about it if you beat me in arm wrestlin'.
I hate it when we decide stuff this way.
That's when I decided to stop bein'a watcher and start bein'a doer.
Joy wanted a baby in her belly, but not in her life.
And Liberty wanted a baby in her life, but not in her belly.
Of course, the catch was how to convince two sisters who hate each other to make a baby together.
All right.
Let's wrestle.
So I did my research on surrogate babying.
From what I learned from the drawings, it was definitely possible.
And boobs look gross without the skin.
Are you guys done with this gum on the side of the TV? Pink gum, yes.
Green gum, no.
This surrogate baby thing could really work.
I just don't know how to convince both women to go for it.
Be like tryin' to get Pepsi to have Coke's baby.
They're just natural enemies.
You just have to get them so excited about the idea that when they find out who they have to do it with, they won't care.
Like how Patty, the daytime hooker, uses my picture for her ad.
- You're not the girl in the ad.
- You think you're disappointed? You should've seen the gay guy who called expecting a Greg Louganis type.
It's a really good idea, Catalina.
I'll just get 'em both so fired up, they'll have to agree.
This egg represents you.
I started with Liberty and Ray Ray explaining the scientific process of surrogate baby-making.
And then you are the mayonnaise.
And all you do is mix the two together, and you got a baby.
It's that simple.
They seemed excited.
Then I explained things toJoy and Darnell.
It's actually pretty simple.
You just take the stuff like that and gently insert it.
Ah.
Like such.
And then you wait a little while.
Okay, ding, ding, ding.
He's ready to come right out.
And you got yourself a little baby.
Then they were into it too.
As crazy as it sounds, me explaining a highly complex medical procedure was the easy part.
The final step was gettin'everybody together.
And that's when things got ugly.
You? You? Earl, if this is who I'm supposed to meet, we're done.
I'd rather have a pit bull stick a litter of puppies in me than carry this woman's demon child.
That pit bull would have to be pretty drunk to knock you up! Okay, that's a nice icebreaker.
Now, let's stop right there while the score is even.
- Slut! - Road whore! Okay, still tied, 2-2.
Look, I know there's history between you guys, but there's also a lot at stake.
Liberty, we're talkin' about the opportunity to have your dream career.
What, the moon take a night off so your butt could eclipse the sun? For your information, I'm auditioning for the Black Ladies of Wrestling.
- What's your little man's name? - Oh, this right here is Mr.
Bearded Dragon.
- Yours? - Mr.
Turtle.
Call me if you're ever interested in settin' up a playdate.
- Oh, that'd be nice.
- Fellas, stay with me here.
Now, Joy, remember, you're tryin' to stay out of prison.
Prison? I guess I'll be rich and famous while you're watchin'me on TVfrom behind bars.
Come on! Let's go! Darnell! I'm sorry, baby.
Sometimes I just respond to yelling.
My plan to get Liberty's egg in Joy's turkey had failed.
But I still had to do what I could to help Liberty so I got myself a seat next to the talent scout from BLOW.
This next girl, Liberty, is great.
I'd pay large sums of money to watch her wrestle professionally.
I'd buy a calendar with her on it, and/or an action figure.
Put your hands on your hearts for Lady Liberty! Look out, Lady Liberty! Here comes Da Man! You! On the back of the bus! Randy may have had the perfect head for wrestling but his heart was a little too soft, and hejust couldn't take the booing.
I'm not really Da Man.
I'm Randy, and I'm nice.
I like black people.
I love Oprah, especially when she acts black.
Get off the stage! Let me outta here.
I don't like it! I don't like it! Okay, it's show time.
Let's make this good, and remember to- Damn, girl, you hit me for real! And you messed up my eyelashes.
What the hell is wrong with you? I'm makin' sure you don't get rich and famous.
- Joy! - Joy? Not wantin'to see her sworn enemy get famous Joy made Liberty's neighbor an offer she couldn't refuse.
Oh, not my weave, not my weave, not my weave! Damn.
A de-weaving.
Now, you can't fake that.
I better go get that hair.
This is for slashing my tires! That's for trashin' my credit ratin'! And this is for makin' out with our math teacher when you knew he had a crush on me.
Ow! Strange as it seems this was the longest these women had ever talked to each other.
And it was probably healthy they were airin'out their grievances.
And that was for payin' my prom date to stab me.
But as painful as Joy's prom stabbin'had been Liberty had a much deeper pain to share.
This is for gettin' to grow up with my daddy.
This is for wearin' that "Daddy's Little Girl" T-shirt all the time.
And this is for every birthday he missed! Get up! And this is for every holiday! And this is for knowin' that the only girl that got to kiss him good night was his precious little blonde-haired Joy! Joy suddenly realized that even though they were sisters Joy was the only one who got to have a dad.
You poor thing.
After swallowin'her pride and a little blood Joy got up to give her sister a hug.
I was just trying to hug away your pain.
After the bout, Joy and Liberty spent time together nursin'their wounds.
They even worked on some you couldn't see.
Thanks.
- I had no idea.
- Well, how could you know? You know, I used to always imagine Dad bein' there with you and how happy your house was with the whole family together on holidays and every day, really.
I guess that's why I always took it out on you.
Liberty, this is Mr.
Saticoy from the Black Ladies of Wrestling.
Hey, bitches.
I like what you did out there.
If you can do that three times a night, I'll make you a BLOW girl.
And I want to hire you as well.
You'll be a team.
You'll play the fine white girl who starts datin' Mr.
Saticoy.
Mm-mm-mm.
Thank you, Mr.
Saticoy, but I can't accept your offer.
I might- I might be carrying a baby soon.
I mean, if you would want me to.
I need a surrogate.
And I can't think of anybody better than my half sister.
I finally felt like I deserved to cross Liberty off my list.
By stealin'her credit card, I had stolen her identity.
But today I gave her a new identity.
She was a Black Lady of Wrestling.
She was also a lovin'and carin'wife with a really supportive husband.
And with the help of an actual doctor who used more than mayonnaise and an eggbeater she soon became an expectant mother.
And whileJoy hadjust set out to try and make herself more sympathetic to a jury she got a new identity too- a surrogate mom.
Even though Joy and Liberty had called each otherjust about every name in the book there was one they hadn't used until now-sister.
Congratulations, guys.
Whoa.
Light beer goes down the same as milk.
I'm gonna see how it does against tomato soup.