NewsRadio (1995) s02e16 Episode Script

Morning, boss.
Morning.
Is somebody burning old sneakers out there? Oh, I know.
Actually, Matthew is making his special herbal tea again.
Has Catherine called in yet? Uh, actually-- Hey, Dave, you got a minute? Sure.
Catherine called Yeah, Catherine-- Beth, Beth, Beth, could we have a minute, please? Thank you very much.
I really appreciate it.
Dave, it's my weird nephew, Theo.
I mean, the poor kid is so weird.
I mean, he's just weird.
Okay.
How weird is he? [WHISTLING.]
Well-- Hey, Matthew, you know my nephew, don't you? You mean Theo? Oh, yeah.
He's really cool.
That weird, huh? Yeah.
What smells like urine? Oh, this.
I made my special herbal tea.
If anybody wants to dip in-- No.
All right.
Anyway, Theo has made some really bad career choices lately.
You know, the poor kid is so down.
He's really down.
Well, as impressive as you make him sound, sir, I don't think I can find a job around here for your weird nephew, Theo.
All right.
Can you just talk to him about a job in the radio industry? I'd be very happy to.
I'd appreciate that.
If you can just get me his phone number.
Okay.
Theo, what's your phone number? I'm in the book.
Oh, that's right, that's right.
Theo, this is Dave.
Dave, this is my weird nephew, Theo.
Pleasure to meet you, Theo, but I really do have to rush.
It's a fresh batch, and it is herbaliffic.
Theo! Matthew.
Cool.
Cool.
Anybody? Matthew, get that out of my face.
Okay.
Maybe later.
Dave, I'll see you later.
Theo, I will be back later.
Okay.
So, Theo, I hear you're interested in radio.
Anything would be better than what I'm doing now.
What are you doing? I give motivational speeches at corporate events.
Beth! Boss? Theo.
No.
Yes.
Why? Because.
Catherine? Why didn't you-- Sick.
You were talking-- Lisa Oh, my God.
Hi.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
What's your name? I really don't like to give that out.
Actually, it's against office policy.
Oh, my God.
That is so smelly.
Oh, that does smell good.
Yes.
It's my herbal tea.
It's my special tea.
Matthew, please do not spill that urine tea on me.
I'm not going to spill it.
It's my special tea.
Oh! I used to be a waiter.
I'm fine.
I'm a little bit dizzy, though.
[.]
Hey, Lisa--are you having popcorn for breakfast again? Dave, I do not have an eating disorder.
Yes, you do.
Catherine's called in sick.
Is she okay? Yeah.
she'll be fine, but I need you to fill in for her, all right? Definitely.
Did you clear this with Matthew and Bill? No.
Why should I? It's my decision, not theirs.
Well, I know, but as the employer, it's your job to make your employees feel they're part of the decision-making process.
Is this something you learned from that stupid book on Japanese management technique? You don't actually have to listen to them, just pretend to.
It helps create a more harmonious group energy.
Again, is this from that stupid book on Japanese management techniques? This is just a standard management technique that has been used by personnel supervisors since the days of Ho Lu, grand emperor of the Wu Dynasty.
Well, would you mind getting in the booth? Not until you clear it with Bill and Matthew.
Fine.
And, you know, you're not-- I know, I'm not fat.
Matthew, I need your advice on something.
What up? Well, Catherine's called in sick, and I wanted to put Lisa in the booth to fill in, but I wanted to get your input.
My input is, I think I should do it.
I'm sure you would do a wonderful job, but Lisa does have more experience.
Screw experience, Dave.
I want to do it.
You're an only child, aren't you? Yeah.
Yeah, why? No reason.
Thanks for your input.
So I'm going to do it, yeah or I'm sure that Dave will consider your input when he makes his final-- Lisa, no offense, but this is really between Dave and I.
Thank you, though.
Found you! You're it.
You are so much fun, you know that? How did you get out? Mr.
James! Hey, your ride's here.
Hey, it's been fun.
Bye-bye.
Hey, Theo, you ready? Do I have to go? No, I think we got some time.
Yeah.
Why don't you show Beth your appreciation for all her help.
Oh, no, thank you.
I don't kiss on the-- I don't kiss.
No, it's not that.
Go on, Theo.
Uncle Jimmy, please, don't make me do this.
Oh, come on, son, you got a gift, use it.
Use what, sir? He didn't tell you what he does for a living? He gives speeches to corporations, right? Tell her, son.
Fine.
I'm a magician.
I do magic tricks-- stupid, dumb, moronic magic tricks.
You happy? Oh, could I see one? Okay.
Fine.
Fine, fine.
Now, ma'am, we've never met before, correct? Correct.
Do you have a $100 bill? No.
Check your bra.
Ohh! Fine.
May I see that, please? Thank you very much.
Whoa! Oh, where did it go? What time is it, young lady? I don't know.
My watch-- It's gone.
I believe this belongs to you.
No.
I'm sorry it's wet.
Let's dry it off with this common household scarf.
Now, I believe you have something that belongs to me.
There, are you happy now? Mr.
James, would it be all right if I asked Theo to lunch? Yeah, go for it, go for it.
Let me see him.
Oh, is this bunny wunny-- you smell.
All right, dude, this ought to do it.
You sure? Yeah.
Just, uh, don't put anything on it, or touch it, or go near it.
Dave.
Bill, I need your advice.
As you know, Catherine called in sick today, and we need to figure out who should fill in for her in the booth.
Me.
I can handle it myself.
No, I think it's too much for one person.
I think we should strongly consider Lisa.
CHICAGO ACCENT: How about my friend, Eddie, from Chicago? Eddie? Is he a real person or a different voice? Different voice.
Then no.
INDIAN ACCENT: What if Eddie were from India? Bill, let's consider this.
Both Matthew and Lisa have their merits.
Matthew smells like urine today.
Then we're agreed.
It should be Lisa.
Lisa doesn't really do it for me, I mean, not like she does it for you, which, I guess, explains why you're pushing her for the job, huh? Lisa has more experience in the booth.
"More experience in the booth.
" I'm really not up on sexual euphemisms, but I get the gist.
Well, thank you for helping me make my decision.
Any time.
And thanks for including me in this decision-making process.
Makes me feel good to know my opinion is valued.
Wow.
See, it works.
Well, I'll just run this decision past the custodial staff, then we can get you on the air.
Well, you'll thank me later for the harmonious energy borne of my ancient wisdom.
Okay, I just want to go on record saying this decision is a load of crap.
Look, Matthew, this was a difficult decision, but we all had our input-- Then why is Joe on the air? Hmm? BILL: Parks department declined to comment, but said the commission's findings will be announced on Thursday.
We'll be back in 60 seconds.
WNYX news time--10:15.
What is Joe doing in the booth? I guess Dave told Bill that he could pick anybody he wanted to.
That's not what you were supposed to do.
I didn't.
I guess some people's input is more valuable than others' people's inputs.
Bill What is he doing in the booth? So far, just the station ID and the current time, but he's learning fast.
What is he doing in the booth? You said I was part of the decision-making process.
This is my part.
Joe's not qualified to be on the air.
He's an electrician.
So was Thomas Edison.
So what? Now, you realize Bill is doing this because he's threatened by us.
Yes, he is totally threatening us.
Threatened by us, Matthew.
Oh, right.
I'm sorry, Joe, but I can't let you do this.
Okay.
Hang on there, buddy.
I know a diamond in the rough when I see one.
What are you talking about, Bill? You can't just pluck someone off the street and put them behind a microphone.
How do you think Edward R.
Murrow was discovered? That is not how Edward R.
Murrow was discovered.
Don't try to confuse me with the facts.
Joe, don't let this nattering nabob of negativity break your spirit.
Okay, enough fooling around.
All right.
I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on this one.
Trying to reason with savages is thirsty business.
I'm going to get another cup of coffee.
Joe, I'm sorry, I can't let you do this.
That's okay, man, I don't care.
All right.
Great.
But you got to get somebody in here because we're back on the air in 15 seconds.
Bill just went to the break room.
I can cover it.
It's no big deal.
Are you sure you know what you're doing? I just got one question.
What's this mean, "You're listening to WYNNYX"? That's WNYX, Joe.
I'm kidding.
Relax.
All right, good luck.
No problem.
WNYX news time--10:21.
This is Joe Garelli, filling in for Catherine Duke.
The stock car racing world was shaken today when NASCAR legend Travis Sullivan announced his retirement.
Sullivan, a three-time Winston cup winner who's been on the circuit for 30 years plans to spend more time with his family.
In local sports, Knicks reserve guard Jeff Washington goes under the knife for a tenolysis on his injured right ring finger tendon today.
A tenolysis? That sounds complicated.
What is it, Joe? It doesn't say here, Bill, but I believe it's a semi-invasive surgical procedure to remove scar tissue from the proximal and distal junctions of a ruptured tendon.
You don't say? In other local news Ha, ha, ha, ha.
What's so funny? I just don't think Bill was expecting that.
Okay, you're right.
He's not working out at all.
Okay, do it to Bill.
Sir, we've never met before, is that correct? Who the hell are you? Dave, I'm serious.
He's completely unsuitable for broadcasting.
What are you doing--aah! Where have you been? I just took an extra long lunch with Theo, if you know what I mean.
Ew, Theo? Jealous? Disgusted.
That's what I thought at first too, but once you get to know him, he's just so Disgusting.
He's intriguing, know what I mean? Not at all.
I'm having trouble putting my finger on it too.
It's like he's so Disgusting.
Unpredictable.
He's mysterious, he's full of surprises.
Oh, no.
What? It's the magic tricks, isn't it? No.
Yes, it is.
You like a guy because he can do magic tricks.
No.
Yes! If he could juggle, you'd be pregnant by now.
He's so cute.
Look what he gave me.
A quarter.
But he pulled it out of my mouth using his tongue.
Beth! Listen, can you watch the phones a little while longer? Theo and I are going to take a walk in the park.
Beth? You forgot your magic mouth coin.
Magic mouth coin? Give it up.
Cool.
What does it do? Dave? I just wanted to apologize to you.
I shouldn't have put Joe in the booth.
No need to apologize.
Joe's doing great.
I know, but I overstepped my boundaries.
I just thought I'd let you guys know we've gotten life 50 calls in the past hour for Joe.
People love him! Hey, that's great! So why did you pick Joe? Oh, I've always thought of myself as something of a mentor to our lower-level employees.
Bill, when you get back to the booth, could you tell Joe that Cindy from the Bronx thinks he's "All that and a bag of chips"? I'll pass that along.
Oh, could you also tell him-- Thanks, Lisa.
Thank you.
Fine.
I put Joe on the air because I didn't want anyone any better to get that much air time.
I thought Joe would make me look good.
Well, it looks like you've been hoisted on your own petard.
Look, he can be slow-witted, but there's no need for name-calling.
At any rate, I've learned a valuable lesson.
Good.
And I apologize.
Now get him off the air.
No.
Why not? Because he's good, and we're not going to change anchors three times in one day just to accommodate your personal whims.
Okay.
A cold front is expected to reach the city by morning, with temperatures dropping to the low 20s.
I hate to put you on the spot, but what's causing that cold front, Joseph? Well, if it's anything like most cold fronts, a low pressure system sitting off the coast is causing cold air to move down from Western Canada.
Uh, that's very interesting.
Well, what's new in Washington, Joe? I can't seem to locate my news report here, but if memory serves correct, the story was-- on Capitol Hill today, Senator Patrick Moynihan's plans for a new, federally funded Penn station died in committee today.
The bill would have moved the train station across the street to the historic post office building.
WNYX news time, 12:21.
Thanks, Joe.
By the way, what's so historic about the post office building? Built in 1908, the post office building was designed by the firm of McKim, Meade, and White, an early proponent of interchangeable, machine-made girders.
Thanks, Joe.
Those two weeks in New York City tour guide school paid off after all, hey, Bill? In the national news, the congress is deadlocked once again on the issue of farm subsidies.
Department of agriculture official will meet next week-- What's up, dude? What's going on? I am fixing my computer.
Good.
Good, good, good.
Found the problem.
Look, I figure if you can do my job, I can certainly do yours, Joseph.
Cool.
Have fun.
How do you like my fake radio voice? Really wasn't listening.
Want me to give you a hand with that when I get off the air? Joe, really-- seriously, just-- I think I can handle it.
You know that there's capacitors in there? You know about that? Yes, I know there's capacitors in there.
And you know that capacitors store energy? How about that, big guy? All right.
Take it easy.
Are you feeling all right? You look a little pale.
Oh, no, I'm fine.
I've probably had just a little too much excitement.
Want some water? Yeah.
You know what? They have the best water in the accounting firm on the third floor.
Don't ask me why.
Okay, so I'll just get you some water.
Okay.
Thanks.
What's wrong? Don't make me say it.
Say what? Okay.
Fine.
The magic is gone.
What happened? Oh, I kept bugging him to tell me how he did his tricks.
And then finally-- hang on a second, I'll show you.
Okay.
You see this quarter? Ta-dah.
Hey, very impressive.
That's what I thought at first too, until I realized he keeps the quarter in the other hand.
It's totally bogus.
Oh.
Well, what did you think? Oh, Beth.
You didn't actually think that the quarter disappeared, did you? It could happen.
Maybe not.
But it was really beautiful while the fantasy was alive.
You know, it's like how you believe that Dave is "sexy.
" Dave is sexy.
Oh, yeah.
I know.
He is.
You know, Theo makes me think he's doing one thing, and he's really doing another.
He's just like every other guy I've been out with, except he uses props.
Dave is sexy.
I know.
He is hot.
Anyways, I don't know what to do.
I've been down this road too many times.
You've been down every road too many times.
I hear you.
Here you go.
Theo, that's empty.
Oh.
That's wonderful.
Thank you.
And that's today's McNeal Perspective.
Thanks, Bill, for that fascinating perspective.
Of course, I should point out that the balanced budget amendment does not, as you say-- Oh, my gosh, a late-breaking news item.
Why don't you take this one, Joe? Okay.
Yes, Bill.
In Albany today, former governor Mario Cuomo was quoted as saying, "The sixth sheik's sixth sheep is schick--" Ladies and gentlemen, I am very sorry for that.
We're obviously having some technical problems here.
We will return just as soon as we are able to get everything organized.
Please do not panic.
Not good, Joe.
Not good at all.
It was a tongue twister, dude.
I'm sure Cuomo had a hard time doing that one the first time.
Look, I was hoping against hope that this would work out, but I'm afraid your broadcasting days are over.
Okay.
Want some help with that now or what? Bill? I thought you were going to be adult about this.
I'm not the one who mispronounced a common nursery rhyme.
Regardless, Joe's going back on the air.
Come on.
Joe's good, but he's not that good.
What about all those phone calls? I made those up.
Why on earth would you do something like that? To drive you crazy.
Well, it didn't work! Don't yell at me because Joe's not the illiterate boob you thought he was.
All right.
Everyone, settle down.
You thought I was an illiterate boob? Lisa's words, not mine.
He also said he could kick your ass one-handed.
Now, that's just a lie! You say that, man? Come on, Joe, it's me! Can I say something right here? "Six sheep, six sheep, six sheep.
" There.
Now can I go on the air? All right, now everyone, just settle down, all right? The next person who speaks is fired.
What? DAVE: Enough.
How about if I just go back on the air? I said, enough! I--I thought you were sick? Must've been one of those four-hour bugs.
I feel fine now.
Are you sure? Good as new.
All right, well, good to have you back.
Thanks.
[COUGHING.]
You don't look so good.
I'm running 104 fever and my head is pounding, but I'll be damned if I'm going to lie in bed and listen to an electrician do my job.
Disgusting, wasn't it? You can say that again.
Especially since he was So good.
Yeah.
Well, how was I supposed to know? I really don't think it's going to work out.
I'm sorry.
Why not? Um, you know, I don't know how to say this.
It's not that-- It's not that I don't love you, I'm just not in love with you.
But we made out.
I know.
I know, but sometimes after two people make out, they--they grow apart.
I'm weird.
Admit it.
You think I'm weird.
You're not weird.
You're a wonderful person.
Really? Can I just [PRESSING BUTTON.]
Beth? Yeah? Yeah? I'd just like to give you this.
Oh, thank you.
That's a pretty scarf.
Oh, look.
There's a whole-- whole bunch.
Hey.
That's great.
Oh.
Something-- I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Have a good day, huh? THEO: Hey! Oh, sorry.
Hey, Beth.
Hey, Mr.
James.
So, how are you and Theo doing? Fine.
Fine.
You didn't dump him yet? Just this second, sir.
Good.
Good.
I was starting to worry about you.
So, what the hell was Joe doing on the air today? I don't have the specifics on that one, sir, but I thought he was good.
Yeah.
Yeah, he was good, but next time we need a replacement, why don't we use Bill's friend Eddie from Chicago? He gave me a call today.
He was really charming.
Uh-huh.
Aah! Okay, I have no idea how you did that, but really--no.
But we made out.
Let her go, son.
It's Chinatown.
But that really was an amazing trick you did.
Think that's an amazing trick? Watch this.
Dave? [.]