Raising Hope s02e16 Episode Script

There's no air coming out her nose.
She's really doing it.
Hold your breath all you want the DMV is not gonna give you back your driver's license.
- Hey.
- Bongo.
Dibs.
Ask just ask me to hand it to you.
I'm going camping for a few days.
Sabrina's starting an Occupy Natesville protest.
Apparently, there is some terrible stuff going on.
But the good news is, it really isn't our fault that we're poor.
People didn't used to get so mad at each other.
And you know when it started? Right when Oprah went off the air.
That can't be a coincidence.
- Maw Maw's still not cheating.
- All I know is, protestors leave a mess.
Doctors hate diseases, cops hate robbers, and maids hate messes.
Especially since Knock-Knock does cleanup for street events.
Which is why I despise parades and yelled those mean things when the pope drove through town.
I doubt he understands curse words.
Don't kid yourself.
The pope understands curse words just fine.
Well, I'm going to the protest, so I need you to take care of Hope.
- No way.
- I'm not watching her and Maw Maw.
- How about I take Maw Maw? - Ooh.
You want to go yell at the government, Maw Maw? How's that sound? I don't think we're getting our message out there.
Two moms just asked me where to leave presents for the birthday party.
The income redistribution has begun! You people call this a protest?! We're not gonna get our driver's licences back if we don't get some attention! Police say drivers were distracted by this fire which was caused by an elderly woman setting her bra on fire.
Fire department officials postulate that the bra was from an earlier era when they were much larger and made from highly flammable foam material.
I've forgotten what I'm angry about! Her bras are old I washed one once and found a phone number in it that only had four digits.
To find out how the protest is affecting nearby businesses, we spoke to Natesville real estate developer and owner of the local mall, Richard Galleria.
This traffic is a nightmare.
If people can't get into the mall, they can't shop.
If people can't shop, then I have to tell the nice Asian woman who works at the scrunchies kiosk, Sayonara no mas trabajo.
We also heard from Mayor Hellmann.
I want the protestors to know that I feel their pain.
But I assure you it is nowhere near as painful as pepper spray is from point-blank range.
I got pepper-sprayed once.
Shh.
I want Hope to see our woman mayor.
Let's face it, her mother was a serial killer, Maw Maw's a crazy old kook, and I scrub toilets for a living.
I want Hope to know she can grow up to anything she wants.
I don't like that mayor she's too much of a party girl.
So she drinks on the weekends who doesn't? Monday through Friday she is all business.
She got the library moved indoors.
She got the strip club to put up drapes.
And she almost got us that minor league arena-football team.
And you should enjoy the experience of being the 99.
That's a big number, 99.
There was an Agent 99 in Get Smart.
She was very smart.
We are the 99%! Hey! We are the 99%! Bring it on, you jackbooted fascists! Yeah, you think just because you got your shields and your little batons and your little fire hoses and your rubber bullets that can kill at close range you think we're scared of that stuff? That's fine.
We have people to spare.
Now we got a core group of martyrs.
Natesville eight, doing just great! I can't go to jail.
I suffer from a shy bowel.
It's cool.
Just take off.
Natesville seven, protesting is heaven! I don't see any German Shepherds, but I'd just as soon not risk it.
Natesville six, getting rid What? I can't lose my day care license.
Plus all the cute black guys are gone.
Okay, fine.
Just leave.
Natesville five, we're still alive! Well, there's five of us and five of them.
I don't like these odds.
Let's call in the auxiliary.
Ooh.
I just got a text calling me in for my auxiliary police post.
Well, good luck.
I'll try not to pepper spray your eyes.
I can't risk going to jail.
From behind, all you can see is my long hair and childbearing hips Okay.
I know this is about Hope's future, but I'm worried about the future of who's gonna change her diapers tonight.
Go.
All right, let's put on a good show for the TV cameras.
All right, obviously the old lady is not in her right mind.
So, let's do the humanitarian thing, boys, and just drop her off at her home.
But this one, this one needs to be taught the definition of law and order! Hey, psst, let me just put the handcuffs on you and then I'll take you around the corner and let you go.
I want to be arrested! Our cause gets more attention from a jail cell! I'm not gonna fill out paperwork all night and miss a new episode of Burn Notice just to arrest somebody for a peaceful protest.
Right on.
Just five minutes.
No bail? Two weeks until your hearing? This isn't fair.
I know, but listen, they're just trying to make an example of me, you know? It's just gonna give more attention for my cause.
Nobody would have known who Nelson Mandela was if he hadn't been in jail for 20 years.
Mandela? The bald guy from Deal or No Deal? Never mind.
I'm gonna miss you.
I know.
I'm gonna miss you, too.
I smuggled my phone in here, so you can call me whenever you want.
I got it on vibrate.
Sorry.
I just got a text.
Apparently, the press conference with Mayor Hellmann and local businessman Richard Galleria has been delayed, so we're gonna send you back to your regularly scheduled episode of Gina Loves Horses.
I can't believe all the cool stuff the hippies left behind.
Burt, this isn't a scavenger hunt.
I thought you came down here to help me clean up.
Look, a Simpsons chess set! Man, it's gotta be a collector's item.
You don't see a lot of Simpsons merchandise.
Five Please tell me we are not responsible for getting rid of that abandoned car.
At your park, that would be an abandoned car.
At our park, it's a jungle gym.
This is your park? No jungle gym, no sandbox? You're thinking of the white people's park.
Everything's great at the white people's park.
The ice cream guy sells ice cream at the white people's park.
You know, they don't call it "The White People's Park" anymore.
They changed the name back in the '60s.
Oh, my God.
Sabrina Collins? It's me, Rikki! Rikki Hargrove? No.
Nothing.
Okay, well, Little Beavers? Lodge number 586? Rikki! Rikki! Oh, God, of course! You know, it's just so great to see a friendly face.
I've only been here two days and I'm already cold, lonely and starving.
You know what else is cold and lonely and starving? My heart.
Ever since my BFF in sixth grade dumped me to become popular.
No! See, the thing is, I just, I got I got busy with cheerleading, and you know, you had scouting, but I totally didn't dump you.
Like I didn't just dump your food onto the floor.
Look, I'm really sorry.
I swear, I really never meant to hurt you.
In fact, you know, the years of scouting were some of the-the best memories of-of-of my life.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Well, we can relive all of them these next two weeks.
And all those badges you missed? You can earn them.
Do you remember the Little Beaver's marching song? - Of course.
- Okay.
Oh, I meant of course not.
But, you know, it's gonna come back to me.
Okay.
Well, when it does, your pillow and your blanket will come back to you.
Morning.
See? That's what I mean.
People are too busy to be friendly these days.
Get yourself together! It was a onetime fling at a Christmas party.
There shouldn' be any drama.
You're supposed to be the mayor.
You're acting like a child.
You can't dictate my emotions, Richard! It's not even lunch, and you are drunk! I am not drunk.
If I were drunk, would I be able to touch my finger to your nose? I'm sorry.
Now, look, the press conference is starting.
I'll stall them, you straighten yourself up.
What's up? Another guy too busy for pleasantries.
Watch the door.
I'm gonna go help her collect herself.
You may wonder why the mayor appears tearful and wobbly.
It's my fault.
I was cleaning the ladies' room when the mayor walked in, and I had been experimenting with a little homemade floor wax, and unfortunately, one of the main ingredients is banana peels and Anyway, you get the picture.
No more questions.
Is she? No further statement at this time.
Ever since I bummed a smoke from one of those hippies at the demonstration, I have been absolutely starving.
Do we have any cake icing? Oh, my God! Mayor Suzie, please come in.
Burt, um, go find the camera.
Listen, Virginia, it was so wonderful what you did for me this morning.
I just want to know how I can repay you.
Hold on.
Let me make sure I'm hearing this right.
Are you granting us a wish? I guess if you want, you can call it that.
Oh, yes, I do.
I want very much to call it that.
It's been my dream my entire life to find a genie or a magic lamp or catch a leprechaun and be granted three wishes.
Oh, well, I only actually said one wish.
Oh, yeah, I heard you, but traditionally, when people are out granting wishes Well, I'm not a genie.
Okay, then I would like a stop sign in front of my house.
Hey.
Uh, Burt, hang on a second.
Excuse me.
Maybe we should do something good for the community.
This is for the community.
When people slow down and stop, we'll stand out front and wave.
Bring a little friendliness to this town.
I think we should use our wish to get proper play equipment in Rosa's park.
We could even call it that.
"Rosa's Park.
" Sounds catchy.
Wait, wait.
I got it.
we would like to use our wish to get three more wishes.
Fine.
I can do three things, especially since those first two are very easy.
Guys! Guys, you gotta come in the kitchen.
There's an old lady living in the side of our toaster, and her face is all Wait a second.
I'm high, aren't I? Lyrics to the Little Beaver's marching song.
Nice try.
And don't try and quote them over the phone, 'cause I'll be listening.
I think I just swallowed the second verse.
Crap.
It's fine.
Trust me.
The second verse is on her bum.
But, uh, hurry up, 'cause she hasn't gone in a while.
Hi, neighbour.
.
We're the Chances.
Taking advantage of our stop sign to add a little friendliness to our community and say hi to folks.
Hi.
.
Hi.
Okay.
I am sold.
I know, right? Yellow.
You were right.
They put in a play structure at our park.
Now you don't have to be wipe to slide.
Yay! They're loving the play equipment.
It's fun pulling the strings of government.
I can see why rich people like it.
What's with the stop sign? We got three wishes from the mayor and we wished for this stop sign and Rosa's Park.
We're still trying to decide on wish three.
You have a wish credit from the mayor and you aren't getting Sabrina out of jail? She's being tortured.
Didn't it get better when you brought her the song? No, it just got worse.
A little beaver marches without fear A beaver's always in the front and not the rear When a beaver's lost and cold She warms up by rubbing sticks I'll never give up because A little beaver can't be licked.
Fine.
You got your singing badge.
And luckily for you, I kept your uniform.
What? Now put it on.
God Now, it's time to sell some cookies and get your small business Beaver badge.
Where am I supposed to sell cookies? Howdy! Good luck.
These guys haven't seen cookies or the Little Beavers in a long time.
Fine, take wish three.
But I don't think the mayor's gonna know who you are, so you should probably wear that T-shirt we got at the carnival with the family photo ironed on it.
Why can't we just go away for the weekend? I can't really talk right now, but I'm not going away with you.
You need to move on.
I'll move on.
And when I do move on, you are gonna be so jealous that you're gonna want me back.
Uh, Mrs.
Mayor? I'm, uh, I'm Virginia Chance's son.
Oh, you may not remember.
She's the cowboy prostitute, and I'm the prospector, uh, right here.
Really? Virginia didn't tell me she had such a cute son.
Well, that's because she doesn't think I'm very cute.
- Oh - Anyway, um, my parents said I could use their third wish.
It's all it's all there in my mom's note.
Well, if you were gonna wish for chiseled pecs, you're too late, because you already got 'em.
Uh, actually, my girlfriend was put in jail for the whole Occupy misunderstanding.
I'm sure she's moved on.
Yeah.
There's a lot of sex in our jails.
- We should go out.
- Look, I'm very flattered, but I don't think I could do that to my girlfriend.
Let me just get this straight.
You're rejecting me? Is that right? 'Cause let me tell you something: I would be a real catch for you, even if I wasn't the mayor.
Don't think of it as rejection.
It is rejection, but that seems to be upsetting you, so maybe try to think of it in a different way.
You know what? How about I think about it like this? Get the hell out of my office! Hi.
We're the Just want to say hello.
Hi, just want to say Can you believe this?! I don't know what's going on! No way, Rosa.
Are you serious? They're taking everything.
What happened? Wait.
I got another call.
Hold on.
Hello? Can you tell Jimmy to hurry up? This place is a nightmare.
All right! Take it easy, there's enough for everybody, but it would really help me out if I could have exact cigarettes.
What the hell did you do? Mayor Hellman wanted to go on a date and I said I couldn't do that to Sabrina.
I'll need you to move those vehicles later.
- Got a job to put a hydrant here.
- In the middle of our driveway? Yeah.
This whole area's gonna be a no parking zone.
By orders of the mayor.
Hey, neighborhood committee of friendship Well, I'm sorry I've had you on the phone for two an a half hours, but there's a fire hydrant right in the middle of my driveway.
And I have better things to do than talk on the phone, also.
You know, fine.
Fine.
I'll call someone else.
Well, my mother wasn't any help.
Look.
Since the actual police are busy gathering evidence, we are here live with auxiliary officer Barney Hughes in front of real estate developer Richard Galleria's home.
What happened, Officer Hughes? Well, uh, earlier tonight a brick was thrown through Mr.
Galleria's front window.
Now, we have some surveillance footage from the home that shows a female vandal matching the description of Mayor Hellmann getting into what I heard the real cops confirming to be the mayor's car.
Mmm.
Is that an actual uniform? Uh, no, I, uh made it myself.
Wow.
Whoa.
You still think she's a good role model? My write-in vote for Chocolate Rain Guy doesn't look so stupid now, does it? Hello? Virginia.
I am so screwed.
You gotta help me.
Oh, you want my help now? Well, why would I want to help a Life can be frustrating, especially when the people with all the power, the kings of the jungle, don't deserve it.
We've just entered minute 15 of this car chase between the Natesville Police and a driver we believe to be Mayor Hellmann.
The regular people, the little mice, have to sit back and watch the lions rule the world.
But every once in a while, the lion gets a thorn in their paw, and the little mouse is the only one who can help.
Some mice just like to sit back and laugh at the lion, but not the smart mouse.
Ooh, ooh.
Get a picture of me arresting the mayor.
I want to make it my profile pic.
The smart mouse pulls out the thorn and ends up with all the power.
Whoa.
Who thought it was safe to let me drive? Apparently, the elderly woman took her protest to a new level by stealing the mayor's car.
Thank you so much for saving me from jail.
I'll do whatever you want.
Even if you want me to resign.
Resign? Why would you resign? You're a great mayor.
You really think that? Yes! You lowered taxes.
And you tested the water in the reservoir, and then you shut down the reservoir.
And you put speed bumps in the bike lanes to slow those jerks down.
Yeah.
But you're a mess as a person, and that's gotta change so that you can become a good role model for the little girls of this town.
You've got to get rid of this guy who's making you mess up your life just 'cause he's too stupid to know how great you are.
You're right.
Thanks.
So, uh, your son, is he serious about this girl? I'm joking.
Everything good with you and Burt? So as soon as I got the power, I used it to help out regular people.
I got Sabrina out of jail The truth is, I still don't remember her.
Sheila Martinez? it's me, Rikki.
Rikki Hargrove, from scouting? Little Beavers.
Rikki! I got our stop sign back, so regular people could get to know each other Hey, Burt.
Can you help me? I think I'm lost.
I was supposed to make a right after the second stop sign, but if I make a right at this stop sign, I'm gonna be in your driveway.
What kind of pizza you got? Extra pepperoni.
Well, pull on in, neighbor! Then I made her re-fix up the poor people's park.
I did this all for you, baby.
'Cause I want you to know that the mayor is the most powerful woman in this town.
And she has to do whatever I tell her to.
You know what that makes me? The most-est powerful woman.
Let's go play on the new stuff.
But we're gonna let the Mexican kids go first, 'cause they've been waiting a while.