Samantha Who? s02e16 Episode Script

They say you can't choose your family.
Well, that's probably best if you could, the return policy would have to be really strict.
Okay, what you think? What don't you just get yourself a dog you could dress up? Put back if you don't like it.
I'll give it for you for Christmas.
Thank you.
Oh my God.
Stop, what are you doing? I like it! It hides the flaws in your bone structure.
Mother I was looking for a foundation.
Not trying to join the witness relocation program.
Can you just try not to control like every aspect of my being.
I'm sorry, excuse me for caring.
Let's go look for some of those cute plastic clock.
Regina? Amy.
I wasn't sure if it was you.
There it is.
You still in Portland? Still there.
You still in Long Land Valley? Well, bye.
Bye.
Bye Samantha.
Bye.
Who is that? That's my sister.
Oh that's cute.
I have an aunt? What do you mean you forgot? It happens! You forgot way more than I have.
Okay, you know what? I let it go when you forgot that I was allergic to walnuts, 'cause you know, it was nice to see everybody at the hospital again.
But you did not forget to tell me you had a sister.
Because she's a horrible person, you better off not knowing her.
Mom, listen for the past year and a half, I've been trying to put together this possible of who I am.
And an aunt is a pretty big piece! When you were two years old, you ate a piece of my puzzle.
Victoria Falls, but I knew what Victoria Falls looked like because it was a picture on a box.
I'm your box.
But this is my family.
Why do you not want me to know my family? The same reason I don't want you to have a gun.
You might hurt yourself.
Okay, but You are not seeing her again.
The subject is closed.
This was a fun day, we should have start earlier.
Kisses.
Yeah but mom I said "kisses".
Okay.
See ya.
I'm gonna go back to the city.
Aunt Amy.
Hi.
Samantha Who S02 E16 I win it.
Wow, who ordered the sea monster? This is a deep sea delicacy I first had in Tokyo.
It's never on the menu but I always ask for it.
It honors the chef skills at removing the poison sac.
I don't know if it is the best month, but I am going to find out if they have live starfish To our new mom! I know! Isn't she fantastic? She lived in Tokyo.
The one in Japan.
It's like she's the mom I'm supposed to have you know.
And there was just some crazy mix-up at the hospital and I ended up with Regina.
Who is very nice by the way.
And I hope we'll keep in touch.
So how are you going to tell your fist mom about this? Well, I am an adult, and I'm gonna do what adults do and I am going to keep it a secret! So, please join me on pushing down my fears.
No, I'm going to see an other one of Tony's games so I don't want to be puffy.
He doesn't care what you look like, he is gay.
He is so gay! Yes, but I may be on Jimbotron.
Wooh, the Jimbotron.
What is that? Like a robot, an elephant or something? No, it's the big screen.
And my seat is like 3 feet away from the court.
I don't even have to bring my own wine, in fact they told me to stop.
Hey we should watch, I've never seen somebody I know on national TV.
Except for my high school boyfriend on the news.
After the police dug up his yard.
Sorry Sam's late.
It's ok.
sits down with his four fouls.
That's two games in a row he just can't get going.
Oh God, there's Andrea.
Oh Sam's missing it.
And those buh jeerings are for Tony Dane's girlfriend Andrea Belladonna Guess the crowd decided she is a jinx on Tony's game Why doesn't she leave? Oh, she's got her outfit planned for the whole season.
She's not going anywhere.
She even, if they keep loosing, she'll keep going to the game.
Just to get on TV.
Yeah.
Who are you calling? A bookie.
Love how you decorated it.
Did you do this all by yourself? I don't know, actually.
All I know, I killed the previous owner and I just moved right in.
See? This is nice.
This is an early Curbestin He was a Dutch potter who settled in Pennsylvania.
I collect these myself.
Really? Take it.
Please.
What? No! Sam, that's not why I Amy, seriously, I have no connection to anything in this house, so Well, except for this little African mask-y thing I named Dave.
You can't have Dave.
Thank you.
I should have complimented you and your flat screen TV.
Hello? Miss Newly.
You requested I alert you if your mother enters the building.
Huh, yeah Frank.
I was there when I told you.
Oh, she's here?! Can you just can you stall her for just a second? Okay, thank you.
My mom's here.
Stairs! Regina, to see "The Great Escape" at a dinner cruise is a one in a lifetime opportunity.
If we're late Samantha has not answered her phone all day.
What if she has been taking the pop stitch.
What if Todd finally snapped I'm sorry folks, the elevator has been acting up.
The only way to keep it for getting stuck is to stop at every floor.
Oh mom! And dad! What a delightful surprise.
You haven't return my calls all day.
Oh, right, yeah.
I I was at the park.
And this darn squirrel took off with my cell phone.
What kind of squirrel.
I smell perfume.
Oh, that that's that's Todd's cologne.
He bathe in that stuff.
It's just awful.
It's Amy's.
Todd is seeing Amy? That's not okay, because he knows how I feel about her.
She's been here.
You've been seeing her behind my back, I knew it! You did not.
So, do you you wear the cloths I buy you when you go out with her? Mom, please don't be ridiculous okay? Amy is fun, she's cool.
And you know I'm sorry that you're so threatened by her but I'm not gonna stop seeing her, 'cause you know what, she lets me be who I am.
Where is the bowl? What bowl? The bowl! The bowl.
Oh, no, no, Regina, not the bowl again.
I'm gonna be in the car, the movie boat leaves in 15 minutes.
The bowl that my mother passed on to me, that I passed on to you.
Oh, Amy complimented it, and I just You gave it to her?! Yeah.
She always wanted that bowl.
She only became friends with you so that she could get the bowl.
Yeah right, and Dena is only friends with me because, oh, she wants this clock.
I warned you.
But you wouldn't listen, so now I've lost a family heirloom.
Technically, it's still in the family.
I thought I was your family.
I guess not.
I will get the bowl back, okay? But you know you're wrong about this.
Amy didn't know about the bowl.
Samantha, could you bring the rolls to the table please? Yeah.
there might still be stuffing I prepared from recipes, see here I added The bowl.
You told me it was broken.
I was tired of you coming over here rummaging through my house looking for it I wouldn't have to rummage if your house wasn't such a wreck.
Oh I wanted to spend my energy taking care of my family There we go again.
You got a family I don't have one When are you going to start throwing in my face You're so immature! Why would you do this? I'm meeting someone after dinner.
And it looks like dinner's over.
Oh, gosh.
I don't wanna hear it Dave.
I had two moms, now I have none.
I'm an orphan.
Which is not bad.
No then you and I can go out and find other orphans And create a supportive ragtag family.
Just call your mother and make up.
She'll make you suffer for a while.
Then it will be over.
Like a slumber party.
Yeah you're right.
I'm gonna call her and apologize.
yeah, tell her she's right.
No, that is not an option.
If she knows that she was right, then she is gonna be even more up in my business.
Maybe if she got her bowl back, that would fix it but, there's no way that Amy is gonna give it up.
That's tough, that's a tough one.
What to do? What to do? Dena! Oh, pop corn? The bowl! Ok, somebody's hungry! No! This is the bowl! What? Yeah! Where did you get it? Potteryville 9 bucks.
I need it.
My mom gets a bowl, Amy gets a bowl.
Everyone goes back to hating Amy, the order is restored.
Plus, if I pull this off, my mother never has to know she was right.
I have change if you all you got is a ten Really? Yes! Tony can't miss a shot tonight Why did I bet $300 on a jinx? You? I bet a thousand.
What? I have a history of gambling.
I'm known to the thrill of betting a few hundreds You've destroyed me.
What's the score? Andrea.
Oh no, no, no.
Why aren't you at the game? Cause I want to show everyone that I'm not a jinx.
Tony is just having a little cold streek Not anymore he's not.
He scored 20 in the first quarter, and just bounced one in off the referee's head.
And I'm not there? Now they are going to be sure that I am a jinx Watch me save your thousand bucks.
Actually, it's 2 thousand.
Lying is also part of the addiction.
Andrea, Tony can't miss tonight.
Go! Get there while is hot.
And all the credit will go to you.
Yes.
Shoot.
I want to but I can't.
Why not? I've already wore these shoes to a game Go by the house, pick up another pair.
It's so crazy, it just might work.
You're gonna get your 2 thousand back.
It was actually 5 thousand.
But making you believe it was 2 thousand was exhilarating.
Mom, I brought you something.
I got it back from Amy.
She just gave it back? Yeah I mean no, when she remembered that this was the bowl that you guys used to fight over, she was horrified.
That it came between me and my mother.
Guess I owe you an apology.
No! No, let's not dwell on how wrong you were.
You have the bowl and the less we speak of it to anyone the better.
Thanks.
Howard, I got the bowl back.
The bowl.
Oh, Sammy, no you didn't bring this bowl back into our house.
Daddy, it's ok, it's over, we don't have to talk about it anymore.
No.
What are you doing? I'm going to my happy place.
It's a place where I go whenever your mother's family comes up.
Your happy place? It's a lumber mill in Oregon.
And I run it.
I got 20 employees 'casionally we do a run of four by four and two by six but really two by four is our bread and butter That sounds nice.
Can I work for you sometimes? Wow, sure.
You know, I thought about it.
Amy really has been the bigger person in all this.
If she thinks she can show me up by returning this bowl just watch me returning it right back in her face.
Ok.
See you later mom.
What?! No! No, no, no, wait, no! Oh my What are you doing here? I completely forgot to tell you, Amy left for Canada.
Hum, I was gonna call you about it, but that squirrel still has my phone.
So let's Well, we meet again.
Hey, I just wanted to welcome you back from Canada.
So, see you.
Let's go.
Can I have a minute? Well, I just thought I'd drop by to tell you how kind it was of you to give back on this bowl.
But I belive I am even kinder person because I am giving it back to you Well, it was very kind but I already have mother's bowl.
The one your daughter's sneaking out with.
Mom, I'm pregnant.
You were right.
Boys are only after one thing.
Samantha Sweetie, you gave me a fake! So? Look, they're completely identical.
Look at this.
Look, you know what? I switch 'em up, everybody gets a bowl.
I dare you to tell them apart.
That one.
No, that's mine.
I changed my mind.
Enough.
Stop it! Stop, give me that.
You are fighting to the death for a $9 bowl.
God, how did the women in this family get so screwed up? What's all this noise? It sounds like you're trying to wake the dead.
Mother go back upstairs.
I can handle it.
I have a grandmother? Ah yes! Tony totally tanked.
That's $300 for me and $5000 for you.
Hey you know what? Let's go to Vegas.
Right now! Nope.
I gotta buy my daughter a tree house, and locate a good rehab facility.
But you have fun What? Tony, there was no such thing as a jinx.
You wanna know what I think? I confuse you.
You see me up in the stand, and you say "oh, she's hot, I think I want her, maybe I'm not as gay as I thought I was.
" Well, here's what I think.
You're the only one who knows I'm gay.
So I when I'm looking at the stands and I see you, I see someone who can take everything away from me with a phone call and that's why I can't play when you're around.
Well, that's very different from what I thought.
Wait, wait , wait.
Tony, Tony, wait.
This is me.
6th grade.
That is a lot of facial hair.
Girls in gym threw chew toys at me.
It took years of painful electrolysis to become the stunning fox you see in front of you Why do you keep this? Because whenever I see someone less fortunate I pull it out and I look at it and I realize that I used to be less fortunate.
And then I don't have to feel sorry for them.
Look, no one knows about this.
So you can keep it.
I trust you.
Just like you can trust me.
I'm just asking, can you grow this back? Two to three days I have a grandmother.
How long have you known about her? Oh, I haven't seen you since you got yourself run over.
I guess your mother is ashamed of me.
I invited you to come and see her when she was in the coma.
Yes, it sounded like a lot of laughs Hi nana.
I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm supposed to call you.
Granny, or nounou but, hi.
Hey back off jumbo.
I got brittle bones.
Mom, Regina's trying to take my bowl.
Tell her she can't do it.
Oh for Pete's sake, I just gave it to you.
I brought it back.
Will you please tell her to give it to me.
I don't even know what you're talking about.
I just came down here to get my cigarettes.
Oh Regina, another flavorless meal.
Thank God I brought my own food.
Here, mom, I'll wash your bowl so you can take it home.
Uh, no, you can have it.
Someone from church left it at my house.
I don't need any more crap around.
It's your problem now.
Look what mom gave me What? Mother! Wait a minute.
I remembered.
This this is not about the bowl.
This bowl doesn't mean anything.
It's never meant anything.
The only reason that Amy wants it is because she gave it to you.
That's because she got everything What are you talking about? You always got everything you want.
You were the special little baby.
Are you kidding Regina the Queen-a.
Stop.
Stop it.
I loved you both the same.
I may have only enough love for one daughter but you each got half, so what's the big deal.
Well, it kind of is a big deal.
Maybe if they'd gotten more love from you, they wouldn't be fighting over this stupid bowl.
Oh look, they might have only half a mother but at least they had two daddies.
What? Our daddy was my daddy.
I know that.
Maybe I am just saying by then there was another rooster in the hen house Oh Lord, mother, ok Maybe we should just stop this.
Do a DNA test if you want.
You can dig up your daddy, but I scattered your uncle ashes at the fair grounds What? Uncle Jack? Now uncle Jack was a half wit, Luther.
Uncle Jack never got passed third base.
Luther was in a wheelchair! Please stop with the yelling again.
OK I just had enough!! I'm not cleaning up that mess.
My bowl.
You had no right to do that.
Yes I did.
It was passed on to me.
Oh God, with all this poison, all this hatred, I don't even want it.
You know, I don't need a bowl to know that my mother loves me.
I know my mother loves me.
All she ever tried to do is protect me from the two of you.
Oh Samantha.
What's all that noise down there? You stay out of this mother I'll come up there and unplugged you again.
Let's go.
You really don't want to meet this one.
Geez.
Okay, I don't like that family.
Is there another family that we can have? Oh this is good, now you can start from scratch.
Hey, you gonna be okay to drive? Yeah I'm fine.
I left my purse in there.
Oh no.
I'm trying to decide if it's worth going back in.
God, those people! I should have listen to you.
I was like that pretty girl on a horror movie you keep yelling at the screen "don't go back in the house".
And she always goes back in the house.
All she needs is to find out for herself And you would be pretty if you keep your hair off your face.
Thank you for my fresh start mom.
You're welcome.
Oh, here.
Where did you get this? You'd really think I was gonna get my sister the real one, did you? I swung by a store.
They're 9 bucks.
Yeah, but it's not the real bowl.
what is then? So from mother to daughter, you pass it down.
And you're gonna tell the story of the bowl.
And that her grandmother was right.
Yes, of course.
I love you mommy.
Ok, so no family is perfect.
I thought I found a documentary on one, but it turned out to be a sitcom from the 70s.
The point is you can't choose your family You're stuck with them.
Good and bad.
But that's okay.
Maybe the bad relatives are there to help you appreciate the good ones.
The ones who have been looking out for you all along.
I've got a bowl just like that one.
No Frank, not like this one.