Sledge Hammer! s02e16 Episode Script
Suppose They Gave a War and Sledge Came?
Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
Aah! Gotcha, Swenson! - You're history! - You too, Bryce.
Swenson was bait for a trap and you bit.
Sayonara, baby! It's dirty tricks like that that keep me on top of the corporate ladder.
I'm smarter than the lot of you.
Get out of here! I've still got a game to play.
Shoot! Nobody shoots Ed Bryce in the back! I always get it in the front! Deceased was one Edmund Bryce, 49.
President of Vectrocon.
It makes - Vectros? Cons? - Hammer, put that down.
- Leading computer company.
- Thank you, Doreau.
Bryce liked to play war games with his top executives.
They'd don military uniforms and use guns that shot paint pellets.
Put that down! White-collar weirdos.
Why play war when you can join the police and kill for fun? - And use bullets.
- Don't put that down.
Articles I've read say war games help sharpen business skills.
Strategy, tactics, risk taking.
Risk taking! I risk my life every night of my life.
That's risk taking.
- Being a cop? - Eating pork nuggets.
You don't know what's in them.
You are risking your life if you don't get cracking on this case! Move it! - Your mother? - Put that down.
- What? - Put that down! The kid is ugly - Put that down and get on that case right now! Yeah, well Thought they'd moved that.
- What you got, Majoy? - Nothing so far, Inspector.
Some tyre tracks that might be a clue but we need a plaster cast to identify the car.
Looks like it might have been made by a 617 XJ radiaI snow-tread recap on a three-ton 1982 Skybird with broken shock absorbers and steering misalignment.
Just an uneducated guess.
Any two-year-old knows that, Doreau.
Find that two-year-old and make him chief of detectives.
Enough home-spun humour.
Give me the facts.
Did you find any reaI clues like the murder weapon or fingerprints? Or a zip code? All we got is some boot prints there in the mud.
- Here, Inspector.
- That coffee smells good.
I can't make it out clearly but it looks like the boot had a monogrammed S in the soles.
Are you sure it's a monogrammed S? You sure it isn't maybe a B or a five or maybe part of a question mark? I can't make a positive ID untiI I get it ca Cast.
I hope you didn't drink all my plaster.
No No Keep beating the bushes, Daley.
That's what police work is about.
- Beat the bush! - Hammer.
Searching, groping, feeling.
Sledge, I wouldn't go in those bushes.
- And why is that? - They're full of poison ivy.
Hey, Doreau, guess what? I'm immune.
I'm immune.
I'm immune.
I'm immune.
Inspector Hammer and Detective Doreau.
Uh We want to see Bryce's associates.
A Mr Arvin Swenson, Sho Nakamichi and a Durward Monroe.
Yes, well, Mr Swenson is on the 28th floor.
You can't use the elevators.
Mr Bryce disconnected them.
He felt people could stay in better shape if they used the stairs.
Bryce is lucky he's dead.
I'd kill him! By the way, I'm Tina Clanton, Mr the late Mr Bryce's private secretary.
This way, please.
I'll meet you on 28.
You know, Sledge, this is a long way up.
Sit this out.
You must be itching.
Will you stop nagging me, Doreau? I told you, I'm immune.
Go on.
Mr Swenson will see you now.
Help me! I'm a big fan of the police department.
This is a reaI pleasure.
Perhaps you could tell me who would want Edmund Bryce dead.
Oh About 120 million Japanese.
Our products are pushing theirs back across the Pacific.
- They don't fancy that one bit.
- 120 million Japanese, huh? Some people just can't bury a grudge.
And after we let sushi into this country! I know you want to cut to the bottom line.
A lot of people hated Bryce.
Me included.
He recently denied me a promotion and I was mucho angry.
Sledge, look at the bottom of his boots.
They have an S on them.
You gave it away, Planet Of The Apes reject.
This boot print was at the murder scene.
You should have gone barefoot.
That's bull, pucky boy.
- Yeah? - These boots arrived today.
They've been on order for six weeks.
This is their first time on.
Here's the proof.
Receipt proves it.
For now.
I don't buy that receipt! And shave those arms.
Mr Nakamichi is waiting to see you on the tenth floor.
How many we got to go? Ten from 28, that's, uh Add the one, that's 120 There aren't that many floors Don't help me! Miss Clanton, what was Bryce like? Demanding, competitive, complex.
And he took cream and no sugar.
I liked him.
Did you ever play in his war games? No.
Those were strictly a male affair.
Mr Bryce said that women should make pound cake, not war.
Probably afraid a woman would beat him.
Hey! Men never lose to women.
Unless they go to Sweden for an operation.
Forget your female fantasy power trip and let's go.
We've got 19 floors to go.
- 17.
- 19.
The male equation still holds.
Sixteen and a half Sixteen and three-quarters - And 19.
- 17.
So I was a little bit off.
- Mr Nakamichi.
- 174,522 plus 16 Oh! Oh.
I was figuring out how much it would cost to get my daughter braces.
Any idea about who would want to see Edmund Bryce dead? Me, for one.
He wanted me to cheat on the books but I refused.
Now he's dead, I can retain my professionaI integrity.
Yes.
And you also have time to drive around your 1982 Skybird.
With the broken shock absorbers? Come on, it's just a toy.
Actually, it's a modeI of my '824x4.
You get one free when you buy the vehicle.
So it was you who killed Bryce? Your tyre tracks are all over the death scene.
No offence! My 4x4's been in the shop since Tuesday.
Check on it.
Now I have work to do.
If you need a suspect, speak with Durward Monroe on 38.
- He hated Bryce too.
- 38?! - We'll go after lunch.
- Bless you.
What's this dohickey? The complete production flowchart.
Cost versus manufacturing coordinates for the entire North American continent.
It's taken me seven years to perfect.
Aah! Ooh! Ooh! Sledge! Ow! Sledge! Ooh! Ooh! Ow! Sledge! Sledge! Oh, Sledge! Are you all right? Speak to me! Doreau, Doreau, I I don't get you any more.
- Why is that? - Cos I'm dead.
Just doesn't track, Doreau.
Two suspects, each with a motive.
They leave clues nailing them to the murder scene but their ridiculous alibis check out.
I haven't been so confused since Oliver North was testifying.
- Bingo, Inspector.
- I don't have time for police fundraisers.
Earth calling Hammer.
I found the murder weapon.
It's registered to Durward Monroe.
Monroe? It's a lock.
Monroe is the murderer.
Now where did you find this? I found it buried under a hill of fire ants.
- Oh! - That's why I put it in plastic.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Come on, Doreau, don't quit.
We're almost there.
Be strong.
Forget you're a woman.
Mind over matter.
Almost there.
You can do it.
Come on, girlie! How did I let you talk me into this? You know I need my strength for deductive reasoning.
- You carry me up to 38.
- That won't be necessary.
Mr Monroe has come downstairs to see you.
He's in Swenson's office.
- How convenient.
I'm sorry.
- How convenient! Yeah? Yeah? I have an ad campaign to get out.
Can you find a subliminaI sexuaI message in this? No, I thought not.
Everybody loves it! You're crazy! Wacko! Sick! - Who was that? - My mother.
You're under arrest for the murder of the late Mr Edmund Bryce.
Not late - I like to think of him as the new and improved, totally silent Edmund Bryce.
Now that's a concept with pizzazz.
How does this concept grab you? The murder weapon's registered in your name.
That means you go to jaiI where a bunch of convicts will show you their idea of pizzazz.
I didn't kill him! I reported my gun stolen almost a month ago.
Let's see if there's any truth in advertising.
Daley? What are the odds of you answering the phone? Did a Durward Monroe report a gun missing a month ago? Mm-hm.
Yeah.
OK, thanks.
LeRoy Neiman, eat your heart out.
Monroe's story checks out.
He reported his gun missing.
Probably the first time you've told the truth.
How do you feeI? Light as air.
Refreshed.
Effervescent.
If this jingle brain didn't do it, who did? I don't know.
I'm in the dark.
Like you usually are.
You - if I see one more disgusting ad like that I'll be back.
With Jerry Falwell.
Sledge, thank you for your denunciation of that chauvinistic ad.
Oh, that was completely gratuitous.
There was no reason for that computer to be in there.
By the way, does your back feeI rested? We have a way to go.
Getting enough vitamin C in your system? There's logic in this.
If studying a map was good enough for Napoleon, it's good enough for me.
You planning to nuke Waterloo? I'm planning on solving the murder of Edmund Bryce.
I just received an invitation to the next Vectrocon war games.
I assume this came from the killer.
Once I'm in the games, he's gonna try to kill me.
That's where this comes in.
What, a map of Belgium? No, it's a map of the war games playing area where Bryce bought the green banana of death.
This is Bryce.
Yakamichi, Swenson, Monroe and all the other yuppie yoyos playing Bang Bang You're Dead.
If I can figure out the events leading up to the murder, I can anticipate the way the killer operates.
Doreau, any luck on the Bryce homicide? - No but I have an idea.
- All right, let's hear it.
Nakamichi, Swenson and Monroe are all tied to the crime by personaI articles.
and the murder gun.
But they were not in possession of those articles.
Then each of them is innocent? Unless they all worked together to confuse us, so we wouldn't know they were all in on it.
That is the kind of sick, twisted thinking I'd expect from Hammer but not from you! Hammer! What the hell are you doing? Testing my options for when I meet Bryce's killer.
- That's the mortar.
- Hammer! - You should see the missile! - Hammer! Hey, I had a battleship here.
Who took the battleship? Hammer has a plan to unmask the murderer.
He thinks the killer will try and murder him in the war game.
- I wish him all the luck in the world.
- Thank you but we won't need it.
- I mean the killer! - You must be joking.
He won't take me out before I unmask him.
But what if he does get to you first? - You get my parking spot at the precinct.
- Thanks! About time.
Now we can get this idiotic tea party on the road.
Just for that, I'm gonna kill you first.
Who do I have to thank for my invitation to this shindig? Inspector Hammer, here's your weapon and your uniform.
The ones Bryce was wearing the day he was killed.
I'll use this one - and forget the uniform.
I never wear off the rack.
Let's play, huh? Mmm! I love the smell of paint gun in the morning! Let's rock and roll! Yee-ha! Don't worry, amigo.
Before this day is over, you'll make a red stain.
But not with paint.
- You're dead, Inspector Right Wing.
- Surprise, Sheepdip! Hey, you only had to shoot me once.
Overkill.
Besides, every paint job needs a second coat.
- Red sun's up.
- Aah! Aah! Hey! Bryce's killer, come out wherever you are.
Shit.
You can stop for the Hide And Seek, Tina.
How did you figure it out? The men had everything to lose by killing Bryce.
Only a woman would kill a man with nothing to gain.
You doubled Swenson's boots, stole Monroe's gun.
You put 4x4 tyres on your car to make it look like the others were involved.
But I saw through it.
Incredible.
How did you figure it out? I tried to blame it on welfare cheaters but it seemed like a logicaI way to go.
Oh, give it up, Tina.
There's no way you can win.
I'm a man.
And you're nothing but a soft, silly woman.
That's what Bryce said when he dumped me for those cheap floozies! You killed him because you wanted to be the only cheap floozy? OK, OK, the only expensive floozy.
No.
I killed him because when I complained, he said he was gonna fire me.
Sounds like my kind of guy.
Say hello to Bryce for me.
- Freeze! - What are you doing, Doreau? I'm here to save you.
It's not necessary.
It's a nine-shot Beretta.
She's out of bullets.
I counted.
Hammer! You idiot! This has been a pretty sad event.
Yeah.
That a woman could have a fataI attraction for a man is unbelievable.
I'm talking about the fact that I never got to use my hand grenade.
Hammer, don't even think about it.
Put it away now.
Hammer, put it away! Hammer! It's who I am.
It's what I do.
Can't change.
Put some pants on!
I know what I'm doing.
Aah! Gotcha, Swenson! - You're history! - You too, Bryce.
Swenson was bait for a trap and you bit.
Sayonara, baby! It's dirty tricks like that that keep me on top of the corporate ladder.
I'm smarter than the lot of you.
Get out of here! I've still got a game to play.
Shoot! Nobody shoots Ed Bryce in the back! I always get it in the front! Deceased was one Edmund Bryce, 49.
President of Vectrocon.
It makes - Vectros? Cons? - Hammer, put that down.
- Leading computer company.
- Thank you, Doreau.
Bryce liked to play war games with his top executives.
They'd don military uniforms and use guns that shot paint pellets.
Put that down! White-collar weirdos.
Why play war when you can join the police and kill for fun? - And use bullets.
- Don't put that down.
Articles I've read say war games help sharpen business skills.
Strategy, tactics, risk taking.
Risk taking! I risk my life every night of my life.
That's risk taking.
- Being a cop? - Eating pork nuggets.
You don't know what's in them.
You are risking your life if you don't get cracking on this case! Move it! - Your mother? - Put that down.
- What? - Put that down! The kid is ugly - Put that down and get on that case right now! Yeah, well Thought they'd moved that.
- What you got, Majoy? - Nothing so far, Inspector.
Some tyre tracks that might be a clue but we need a plaster cast to identify the car.
Looks like it might have been made by a 617 XJ radiaI snow-tread recap on a three-ton 1982 Skybird with broken shock absorbers and steering misalignment.
Just an uneducated guess.
Any two-year-old knows that, Doreau.
Find that two-year-old and make him chief of detectives.
Enough home-spun humour.
Give me the facts.
Did you find any reaI clues like the murder weapon or fingerprints? Or a zip code? All we got is some boot prints there in the mud.
- Here, Inspector.
- That coffee smells good.
I can't make it out clearly but it looks like the boot had a monogrammed S in the soles.
Are you sure it's a monogrammed S? You sure it isn't maybe a B or a five or maybe part of a question mark? I can't make a positive ID untiI I get it ca Cast.
I hope you didn't drink all my plaster.
No No Keep beating the bushes, Daley.
That's what police work is about.
- Beat the bush! - Hammer.
Searching, groping, feeling.
Sledge, I wouldn't go in those bushes.
- And why is that? - They're full of poison ivy.
Hey, Doreau, guess what? I'm immune.
I'm immune.
I'm immune.
I'm immune.
Inspector Hammer and Detective Doreau.
Uh We want to see Bryce's associates.
A Mr Arvin Swenson, Sho Nakamichi and a Durward Monroe.
Yes, well, Mr Swenson is on the 28th floor.
You can't use the elevators.
Mr Bryce disconnected them.
He felt people could stay in better shape if they used the stairs.
Bryce is lucky he's dead.
I'd kill him! By the way, I'm Tina Clanton, Mr the late Mr Bryce's private secretary.
This way, please.
I'll meet you on 28.
You know, Sledge, this is a long way up.
Sit this out.
You must be itching.
Will you stop nagging me, Doreau? I told you, I'm immune.
Go on.
Mr Swenson will see you now.
Help me! I'm a big fan of the police department.
This is a reaI pleasure.
Perhaps you could tell me who would want Edmund Bryce dead.
Oh About 120 million Japanese.
Our products are pushing theirs back across the Pacific.
- They don't fancy that one bit.
- 120 million Japanese, huh? Some people just can't bury a grudge.
And after we let sushi into this country! I know you want to cut to the bottom line.
A lot of people hated Bryce.
Me included.
He recently denied me a promotion and I was mucho angry.
Sledge, look at the bottom of his boots.
They have an S on them.
You gave it away, Planet Of The Apes reject.
This boot print was at the murder scene.
You should have gone barefoot.
That's bull, pucky boy.
- Yeah? - These boots arrived today.
They've been on order for six weeks.
This is their first time on.
Here's the proof.
Receipt proves it.
For now.
I don't buy that receipt! And shave those arms.
Mr Nakamichi is waiting to see you on the tenth floor.
How many we got to go? Ten from 28, that's, uh Add the one, that's 120 There aren't that many floors Don't help me! Miss Clanton, what was Bryce like? Demanding, competitive, complex.
And he took cream and no sugar.
I liked him.
Did you ever play in his war games? No.
Those were strictly a male affair.
Mr Bryce said that women should make pound cake, not war.
Probably afraid a woman would beat him.
Hey! Men never lose to women.
Unless they go to Sweden for an operation.
Forget your female fantasy power trip and let's go.
We've got 19 floors to go.
- 17.
- 19.
The male equation still holds.
Sixteen and a half Sixteen and three-quarters - And 19.
- 17.
So I was a little bit off.
- Mr Nakamichi.
- 174,522 plus 16 Oh! Oh.
I was figuring out how much it would cost to get my daughter braces.
Any idea about who would want to see Edmund Bryce dead? Me, for one.
He wanted me to cheat on the books but I refused.
Now he's dead, I can retain my professionaI integrity.
Yes.
And you also have time to drive around your 1982 Skybird.
With the broken shock absorbers? Come on, it's just a toy.
Actually, it's a modeI of my '824x4.
You get one free when you buy the vehicle.
So it was you who killed Bryce? Your tyre tracks are all over the death scene.
No offence! My 4x4's been in the shop since Tuesday.
Check on it.
Now I have work to do.
If you need a suspect, speak with Durward Monroe on 38.
- He hated Bryce too.
- 38?! - We'll go after lunch.
- Bless you.
What's this dohickey? The complete production flowchart.
Cost versus manufacturing coordinates for the entire North American continent.
It's taken me seven years to perfect.
Aah! Ooh! Ooh! Sledge! Ow! Sledge! Ooh! Ooh! Ow! Sledge! Sledge! Oh, Sledge! Are you all right? Speak to me! Doreau, Doreau, I I don't get you any more.
- Why is that? - Cos I'm dead.
Just doesn't track, Doreau.
Two suspects, each with a motive.
They leave clues nailing them to the murder scene but their ridiculous alibis check out.
I haven't been so confused since Oliver North was testifying.
- Bingo, Inspector.
- I don't have time for police fundraisers.
Earth calling Hammer.
I found the murder weapon.
It's registered to Durward Monroe.
Monroe? It's a lock.
Monroe is the murderer.
Now where did you find this? I found it buried under a hill of fire ants.
- Oh! - That's why I put it in plastic.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Come on, Doreau, don't quit.
We're almost there.
Be strong.
Forget you're a woman.
Mind over matter.
Almost there.
You can do it.
Come on, girlie! How did I let you talk me into this? You know I need my strength for deductive reasoning.
- You carry me up to 38.
- That won't be necessary.
Mr Monroe has come downstairs to see you.
He's in Swenson's office.
- How convenient.
I'm sorry.
- How convenient! Yeah? Yeah? I have an ad campaign to get out.
Can you find a subliminaI sexuaI message in this? No, I thought not.
Everybody loves it! You're crazy! Wacko! Sick! - Who was that? - My mother.
You're under arrest for the murder of the late Mr Edmund Bryce.
Not late - I like to think of him as the new and improved, totally silent Edmund Bryce.
Now that's a concept with pizzazz.
How does this concept grab you? The murder weapon's registered in your name.
That means you go to jaiI where a bunch of convicts will show you their idea of pizzazz.
I didn't kill him! I reported my gun stolen almost a month ago.
Let's see if there's any truth in advertising.
Daley? What are the odds of you answering the phone? Did a Durward Monroe report a gun missing a month ago? Mm-hm.
Yeah.
OK, thanks.
LeRoy Neiman, eat your heart out.
Monroe's story checks out.
He reported his gun missing.
Probably the first time you've told the truth.
How do you feeI? Light as air.
Refreshed.
Effervescent.
If this jingle brain didn't do it, who did? I don't know.
I'm in the dark.
Like you usually are.
You - if I see one more disgusting ad like that I'll be back.
With Jerry Falwell.
Sledge, thank you for your denunciation of that chauvinistic ad.
Oh, that was completely gratuitous.
There was no reason for that computer to be in there.
By the way, does your back feeI rested? We have a way to go.
Getting enough vitamin C in your system? There's logic in this.
If studying a map was good enough for Napoleon, it's good enough for me.
You planning to nuke Waterloo? I'm planning on solving the murder of Edmund Bryce.
I just received an invitation to the next Vectrocon war games.
I assume this came from the killer.
Once I'm in the games, he's gonna try to kill me.
That's where this comes in.
What, a map of Belgium? No, it's a map of the war games playing area where Bryce bought the green banana of death.
This is Bryce.
Yakamichi, Swenson, Monroe and all the other yuppie yoyos playing Bang Bang You're Dead.
If I can figure out the events leading up to the murder, I can anticipate the way the killer operates.
Doreau, any luck on the Bryce homicide? - No but I have an idea.
- All right, let's hear it.
Nakamichi, Swenson and Monroe are all tied to the crime by personaI articles.
and the murder gun.
But they were not in possession of those articles.
Then each of them is innocent? Unless they all worked together to confuse us, so we wouldn't know they were all in on it.
That is the kind of sick, twisted thinking I'd expect from Hammer but not from you! Hammer! What the hell are you doing? Testing my options for when I meet Bryce's killer.
- That's the mortar.
- Hammer! - You should see the missile! - Hammer! Hey, I had a battleship here.
Who took the battleship? Hammer has a plan to unmask the murderer.
He thinks the killer will try and murder him in the war game.
- I wish him all the luck in the world.
- Thank you but we won't need it.
- I mean the killer! - You must be joking.
He won't take me out before I unmask him.
But what if he does get to you first? - You get my parking spot at the precinct.
- Thanks! About time.
Now we can get this idiotic tea party on the road.
Just for that, I'm gonna kill you first.
Who do I have to thank for my invitation to this shindig? Inspector Hammer, here's your weapon and your uniform.
The ones Bryce was wearing the day he was killed.
I'll use this one - and forget the uniform.
I never wear off the rack.
Let's play, huh? Mmm! I love the smell of paint gun in the morning! Let's rock and roll! Yee-ha! Don't worry, amigo.
Before this day is over, you'll make a red stain.
But not with paint.
- You're dead, Inspector Right Wing.
- Surprise, Sheepdip! Hey, you only had to shoot me once.
Overkill.
Besides, every paint job needs a second coat.
- Red sun's up.
- Aah! Aah! Hey! Bryce's killer, come out wherever you are.
Shit.
You can stop for the Hide And Seek, Tina.
How did you figure it out? The men had everything to lose by killing Bryce.
Only a woman would kill a man with nothing to gain.
You doubled Swenson's boots, stole Monroe's gun.
You put 4x4 tyres on your car to make it look like the others were involved.
But I saw through it.
Incredible.
How did you figure it out? I tried to blame it on welfare cheaters but it seemed like a logicaI way to go.
Oh, give it up, Tina.
There's no way you can win.
I'm a man.
And you're nothing but a soft, silly woman.
That's what Bryce said when he dumped me for those cheap floozies! You killed him because you wanted to be the only cheap floozy? OK, OK, the only expensive floozy.
No.
I killed him because when I complained, he said he was gonna fire me.
Sounds like my kind of guy.
Say hello to Bryce for me.
- Freeze! - What are you doing, Doreau? I'm here to save you.
It's not necessary.
It's a nine-shot Beretta.
She's out of bullets.
I counted.
Hammer! You idiot! This has been a pretty sad event.
Yeah.
That a woman could have a fataI attraction for a man is unbelievable.
I'm talking about the fact that I never got to use my hand grenade.
Hammer, don't even think about it.
Put it away now.
Hammer, put it away! Hammer! It's who I am.
It's what I do.
Can't change.
Put some pants on!