Spin City s02e16 Episode Script

DOES THE ADMINISTRATION HAVE ANY OFFICIAL STATEMENT ON THE GROUNDHOG DAY INCIDENT? FIRST OF ALL, THERE IS NO WAY THAT THE MAYOR COULD HAVE ANTICIPATED THE ELECTRICAL SHORT THAT CAUSED THE SPRING DOOR TO MALFUNCTION WHEN THE GROUNDHOG WAS--QUOTE--RELEASED.
STILL, I DON'T THINK IT'S FAIR FOR YOU ALL TO DESCRIBE THE ANIMAL AS HAVING BEEN CATAPULTED.
HOW FAR DID THE GROUNDHOG GO? ABOUT 38 BLOCKS.
MR.
MAYOR? MR.
MAYOR? MR.
MAYOR! OH, YES, JAMES.
I'M SORRY.
WERE YOU HAVING TROUBLE HEARING ME, SIR? NO, NOT AT ALL.
I HAVE YOUR NOTES ON THE PARK RANGER SITUATION.
WELL, I HARDLY THINK THERE'S A DANGER OF RADIATION.
YOU'RE ADMITTING THAT YOU KILLED THE GROUNDHOG.
NO.
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
NO.
THE--THE AUTOPSY REPORT CLEARLY SHOWED THAT THE ANIMAL DID NOT DIE FROM THE IMPACT.
HE HAD A HEART ATTACK.
WHICH, YOU KNOW, IS UNDERSTANDABLE, BECAUSE, UH, YOU KNOW, THERE'S A REASON THEY DON'T CALL THEM AIR HOGS.
MR.
MAYOR, I HAVE REPORTS THAT YOU WERE SEEN HAVING A DINNER DATE LAST WEEK.
SIR, ARE YOU INVOLVED IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP? WELL, AS ALWAYS, I'M WITH MIKE.
HE'S MORE THAN JUST MY DEPUTY.
WE KILLED THE LITTLE SUCKER, ALL RIGHT? HE'S DEAD.
I'M GLAD HE'S DEAD.
YOU THINK THE MAYOR'S HAVING TROUBLE HEARING? NO.
THE MAYOR'S HEALTHY AS A HORSE.
WHAT DOCTOR DOES HE GO TO? A BUDDY OF HIS.
DR.
FRANKLIN.
ISN'T HE A VETERINARIAN? YEAH.
SO WHEN HE SAYS HE'S AS HEALTHY AS A HORSE I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
IT TOOK SO LONG TO COMMUTE FROM BROOKLYN.
IF YOU EVER HAVE TO REALLY BE HERE EARLY, YOU COULD CRASH AT MY PLACE.
YOU COULD TAKE THE BED AND I'LL TAKE THE BED.
LET ME SAY THAT SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO MOVE TO MANHATTAN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SLEEP WITH STUART.
IN FACT, I ENCOURAGE WOMEN NOT TO.
SO YOU'RE THE GUY.
I WOULD LOVE TO MOVE OUT, BUT YOU DON'T GET IT.
NO ONE LEAVES MY HOUSE.
YOU'RE BORN THERE, YOU GROW UP THERE, YOU GET MARRIED THERE.
EVENTUALLY YOU DIE THERE AND GET BURIED IN THE BASEMENT.
I DIDN'T TELL YOU THAT.
MIKE, I JUST BUMPED INTO COUNCILMAN SIMMO, AND HE SAYS CAN'T MAKE DINNER TONIGHT AT TRIBECA, AND THAT'S SUCH A TOUGH PLACE TO GET INTO.
I WAS WONDERING IF CLAUDIA AND I COULD HAVE THE TABLE.
PAUL, THEY KNOW ME THERE.
SO YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO BUCK THAT TIP OF YOURS TO AT LEAST 8%.
FINE.
BUT I'M GONNA HIT THAT BREAD BASKET HARD.
YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE, MIKE.
IT'S NICE TO EAT ALONE SOMETIMES.
REALLY? I CAN'T EVEN EAT ALONE AT HOME.
I HAVE TO SET A PLACE FOR DANNY.
WHO'S DANNY? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? HE'S RIGHT OVER NEVER MIND.
I AM GOING TO EAT ALONE IN MY APARTMENT TONIGHT IN THE DARK, CONTEMPLATING THE FACT THAT MAYBE MY FRIENDS DON'T TAKE CARE OF ME THE WAY THEY SHOULD.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME OVER TO MY HOUSE FOR DINNER TONIGHT? YES! SEE THAT? WHY IS IT THAT STACY'S THE ONLY ONE WHO KNEW I WAS FISHING FOR A DINNER INVITE? OH, WE ALL KNOW.
IT'S JUST HER TURN.
ALL RIGHT.
I KNOW YOU'VE ALL HAD SOME COMPLAINTS ABOUT YOUR PAYCHECKS BEING LATE, SO I TRACKED DOWN THE CAUSE OF THE PROBLEM.
BOB FROM ACCOUNTING IS DEAD.
IN FACT, HE DIED WHILE HE WAS SIGNING THE CHECKS.
DO YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW IF HE GOT TO THE L's? BOB'S OFFICE IS NOW AVAILABLE UPSTAIRS.
I WANT IT! I WANT IT NOW EVEN IF BOB'S STILL IN IT.
LET'S SAVE SOME TIME HERE.
DOES ANYONE WANT STUART TO STAY? IT'S UNANIMOUS.
CONGRATULATIONS, STUART, AND EVERYONE ELSE.
YOU ARE EVEN MORE HANDSOME THAN YOU ARE ON TV.
OH, MRS.
PATERNO, YOU KNOW, THEY PUT A SPECIAL FILTER ON THE CAMERA TO KIND OF TONE IT DOWN A LITTLE BIT.
OTHERWISE THERE WERE CONCERNS ABOUT PUBLIC SAFETY.
WE CAN'T BELIEVE OUR BABY WORKS FOR THE MAYOR.
WE ARE SO PROUD OF HER.
HE SEEMS LIKE A VERY INTELLIGENT MAN.
WHY, THANK YOU.
WE WERE WORRIED ABOUT HER WORKING IN THE CITY, BECAUSE MANHATTAN'S A DANGEROUS BOROUGH.
YEAH.
STACY'S COUSIN ROBERT, HE GOT SHOT THERE.
MA, HE WAS ROBBING A BANK.
IN BROOKLYN THEY GIVE YOU A WARNING SHOT.
YOU KNOW, IT IS GOOD THAT MIKE IS HERE TONIGHT, BECAUSE, UM, THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT TO TELL YOU GUYS.
I'M THINKING OF GETTING MY OWN APARTMENT.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOUR FAMILY'S HERE.
WE LIVE HERE.
YOU WANT A BIGGER ROOM? YOU GET GRANDMA'S IN A FEW YEARS.
MIKE, HELP ME OUT HERE.
MORE SALT, GRANDMA? MOM, DAD I WANNA MOVE OUT.
SO GO.
THERE.
SEE THAT? SEE HOW EASY THAT WAS? I MEAN GO.
GO NOW.
YOU EITHER LIVE HERE OR YOU DON'T.
FINE.
IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT IT, THEN I'M OUTTA HERE.
THIS IS GREAT.
TALK TO HER.
I CAN'T! (SOBBING) STACY, STACY! DID I MENTION HOW GOOD THIS LASAGNA IS? BECAUSE I WISH THAT I COULD BE MINIATURIZED, AND I WOULD JUST--I WOULD DIVE RIGHT INTO THE PAN, AND I'D EAT THROUGH IT LIKE A LITTLE ITALIAN PAC-MAN.
YOU'RE HER BOSS.
SHE LISTENS TO YOU.
TELL HER TO STAY HERE.
NO, I THINK IT'S BETTER, YOU KNOW, IF I JUST--I STAY OUT OF IT.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN) LOOK.
M-M-MAYBE I'LL JUST HELP WITH THE DISHES.
NO.
(PLATE SHATTERS) O.
K.
, YOU BREAK, I'LL DRY.
HEY.
YES, STUART? YEAH.
UH, I LOST MY COMB, AND I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU MIGHT HAVE A FEW HUNDRED THAT YOU'RE NOT USING.
LISTEN, BONDEK, THAT KIND OF MEAN-SPIRITED HUMOR MAY GO OVER ON ONE, BUT NOT HERE ON 2.
UP HERE, OUR CREDO IS COURTESY, HONESTY, AND RESPECT.
GET USED TO IT PLEASE.
HEY, STUART.
HOW YOU DOING? YOU ALL MISS ME, HUH? WE DO MISS YOU.
THE WAY YOU ZERO IN ON OUR IMPERFECTIONS, OUR INSECURITIES.
YOU MEAN HOW NIKKI IS ALONE AND DESPERATE? JAMES IS A MISPLACED COUNTRY BISCUIT? NOW DO ME, DO ME! SAVE YOUR PICKUP LINES FOR THE DISCO.
HA HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! BONDEK! HEY.
HOW WAS YOUR DINNER LAST NIGHT? GREAT.
NICE CONVERSATION, GOOD FOOD GOT A CURSE PUT ON ME.
HAVE YOU BEEN CHEWING ON YOUR PEN? OF COURSE NOT.
AAAAAAHHHHHH.
YOU KNOW, MOST CURSES START SMALL AND JUST KEEP BUILDING.
THIS MEANS NOTHING.
AAAAGGGGGHHHHH! JANELLE--OH, MIKE.
MIKE, YOU WANTED TO SEE ME? (LISPING) AH, YES, SIR, I DID, SIR.
YOUR MOUTH IS BLUE.
DID YOU HAVE A SNOW CONE? YES, SIR.
COME ON.
SIR, WERE YOU HAVING TROUBLE HEARING THE REPORTER'S QUESTIONS YESTERDAY? NO, I'M FINE.
O.
K.
DID YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO LOOK AT OUR PLAN TO GATHER UP ALL THE CHILDREN IN THE CITY, DIP THEM IN EGG AND ROLL THEM IN BREAD CRUMBS? I'LL RUN IT BY THE COUNCIL.
SIR, I THINK YOU MIGHT BE HAVING A PROBLEM-- I'M JOKING, MIKE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL AT ME AS IF WERE DEAF.
I'M BARELY 50.
YOU THINK I'M SO OLD I'M FALLING APART?! NO, I'M SORRY, SIR.
I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU, AND I-- (HEARS DISTORTED AND MUFFLED SPEECH) SORRY.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I'M SORRY, MIKE.
Y--YOU DON'T HAVE AN ALARM CLOCK IN HERE.
NO, I USUALLY GET A WAKE-UP CALL FROM THE FRONT DESK.
YOU KNOW, I KNOW THIS IS CASUAL FRIDAY-- WELL, IT WAS LATE, AND I DIDN'T WANNA BOTHER ANYONE, ANDI HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.
I CRASHED HERE ON THE COUCH.
YOU LOOK HORRIBLE.
WHAT HAPPENED? CAR ALARM ALL NIGHT.
NO HOT WATER THIS MORNING.
AND STARBUCKS? OUT OF COFFEE.
I KNOW THIS IS GONNA SOUND KIND OF WEIRD, BUT DOES YOUR GRANDMOTHER HAVE ANY SUPERNATURAL POWERS? NO.
SHE COULDN'T PUT LIKE A (SPITS) CURSE OR HEX ON YOU OR ANYTHING, COULD SHE? SHE COULD PUT A HEX, BUT SHE CAN'T FLY.
MIKE? DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE RANGERS? THEY THEY WHAT, JAMES? THEYPLAY HOCKEY.
STACY, GET DRESSED.
JAMES, FOCUS.
UH, THE RANGERS HAVE ARRANGED A PHOTO-OP WITH THE MAYOR THIS AFTERNOON.
I BETTER GET DOWN THERE AND SET IT UP.
SEE, THIS IS WHY YOU CAN'T LIVE HERE.
YOU KNOW, I USED TO HAVE A PRETTY WICKED SLAP-SHOT BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL.
BETTER PUT DOWN THAT MASK.
HERE COMES THE HEAT.
SMOKIN'.
HEY, MIKE, CAN I TALK TO YOU? OH, GOD! (THUD) UGH! WHAT'S UP? CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND? SURE.
SLOW DOWN.
I'M WEARING LOAFERS.
DO YOU THINK IT'S SMART FOR YOU TO BE OUT HERE ON SKATES, WHAT WITH THE CURSE AND ALL? THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A CURSE.
LOOK.
YOU'RE A ZAMBONI.
OOOOHHH! OOOOOHHHH! AND FLAHERTY STEALS THE PUCK! HE'S GOING ACROSS THE ICE.
BREAKS THROUGH HE SCORES! YYYYOOOOOWWWWWWW! (THUD) I'M O.
K.
I'M HURT.
OH, I'M HURT.
OH, NO.
I KNOW WHY MIKE HAS YOU FOLLOWING ME TODAY.
HE THINKSTHAT I'M HAVING A HEARING PROBLEM! YES, HE DOES.
YOU'RE LYING.
I KNOW HE DOES.
NOW, YOU TELL MIKE AND ANYONE ELSE WHO WANTS TO KNOW MY HEARING IS JUST FINE.
JAMES DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS OVER THERE? IT'S CANDICE FOXWORTH.
WE'RE DATING.
I'LL LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE.
NO, PLEASE! STAY! YOU'RE RIGHT.
I NEED YOU TO STAY AND HELP COVER FOR THE FACT THAT I AM HAVING SOMEPROBLEMS.
SIR, WHAT KIND OF PROBLEMS? WITH MY HEARING.
WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? RANDALL, THIS IS A NICE SURPRISE.
HI.
UH NICE SURPRISE! (LOUDLY) YES, THIS IS NICE! SO, YOU COME HERE A LOT, BIG BOY? HERE? A LOT? I HEAR WHAT I NEED TO.
I WAS HOPING YOU MIGHT FIND SOME TIME TO SNEAK AWAY THIS AFTERNOON.
ABSOLUTELY.
I'D LOVE TO.
SIR, HOW DID YOU HEAR WHAT SHE-- IT WAS IN HER EYES.
PAUL, I'VE BEEN CURSED, O.
K.
? THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M GONNA SIT HERE AND LISTEN TO YOU CRITICIZE THE WAY I DRESS.
(TELEPHONE RINGS) GONNA ANSWER THAT? NO.
(TELEPHONE RINGS) WHEN I TALK ON THE PHONE THE GLASS FOGS UP.
BESIDES, IT'S JUST GONNA BE BAD NEWS.
MIKE FLAHERTY'S OFFICE.
UH-HUH.
UH-HUH.
UH-HUH.
THANKS.
SEE? IT'S GOOD NEWS.
THE RANGERS ARE GONNA RECOVER.
NEXT SEASON.
OH, BY THE WAY.
SOMEBODY SWIPED A HELMET.
DO THEY KNOW WHO DID IT? AAAAGGGGHHHHH! STUART, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I NEED TO MAKE SOME COPIES.
AND WHY EXACTLY DO YOU NEED 200 COPIES OF YOUR ASS? EASTER'S COMING.
I THINK STUART MISSES US.
I GOT, LIKE, 1,000 NEW FRIENDS UP THERE.
OH? WHO? THERE'S BEN AND YOU KNOW, THE OTHER GUY IN THE OFFICES, AND, UH, THE LADY WITH THE DRESS.
OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, I'VE SEEN THEM.
THEY HANG OUT AT THE, YOU KNOWPLACE.
HEY, WHAT'S WITH MY OLD DESK? IT LOOKS LIKE A FLOAT FOR THE GAY PRIDE PARADE.
IT IS.
STUART, WE WILL ALLOW YOU TO COME BACK IF YOU ADMIT THAT YOU MISSED US.
NO.
I MEAN, NOT UNLESS YOU GUYS DO FIRST.
EVERYONE DOESN'T HAVE TO KNOW.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I WILL DENY IT IF YOU SAY IT, BUT, UM, IT'S BEEN A LITTLE BORING AROUND HERE EVER SINCE YOU LEFT.
OF COURSE IT IS.
BETWEEN OPIE AND BIG CHIEF DATE-NO-MORE IT'S HARD FOR A POMPOUS FRUIT LIKE YOU TO GET THE VERBAL WHACKING YOU DESERVE.
CANDICE TOOK ME TO THE DOCTOR.
SOMEHOW SHE COULD TELL I WAS HAVING TROUBLE WITH MY HEARING.
SHE'S A PERCEPTIVE WOMAN, SIR.
DOCTOR WAS GOOD.
BIG EXPERT.
REALLY KNEW WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT.
REALLY? WELL, WHAT DID HE SAY? YOU'LL HAVE TO ASK CANDICE.
(GROANS) DON'T EVER GET OLD, JAMES.
THANK YOU.
NOW I LOOK IN THE MIRROR I DON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE MYSELF.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT RED-HAIRED LAD WHO USED TO STRIDE SO CONFIDENTLY ACROSS THE FIELDS OF CONNECTICUT? DIDN'T YOU HAVE BROWN HAIR, SIR? AND THERE GOES THE MEMORY.
HEY.
HEY.
OOH, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? DO YOU THINK IT'S FAIR FOR A NEW YORK CITY CABBIE TO GET VIOLENT JUST BECAUSE YOU MISPRONOUNCED HIS NAME? NO, I DON'T.
WELL, SOMEONE SHOULD TELL THAT TO MULLHAGMATA.
ISN'T THIS PLACE AMAZING? I MEAN, REALLY, WHAT DO YOU THINK? IT'S--IT'S CHEAP, IT'S--IT'S COZY Woman: OH, YES, YES!!!! YOU GET TO KNOW YOUR NEIGHBORS.
WHAT, DO YOU THINK THAT'S LOUD? MAYBE.
POOR MIKEY.
LOOK, STACY, I KNOW YOU.
YOU LOVE YOUR FAMILY.
AND I DON'T THINK YOU'RE GONNA TRULY BE ABLE TO MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE UNTIL YOU MEND FENCES WITH THEM.
AND SURE, IF YOU'RE SITTING DOWN WITH THEM AND THE SUBJECT OF REMOVING THE CURSE COMES UP SO ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS SOME STUPID CURSE? SEE THAT BRACELET? THAT'S NOT A FASHION STATEMENT.
I GOT THAT AT THE EMERGENCY ROOM.
I WENT TO MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, AND I GOT HIT WITH A PUCK.
WELL, THAT CAN HAPPEN.
I WAS AT A KNICKS GAME! I GOT 17 STITCHES IN MY HEAD.
HERE'S THE CAPPER.
THE DOCTOR LOST THE NEEDLE IN THERE.
HE'S JUST GONNA GO BACK AND GET IT LATER.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE TAKING ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT MOMENTS IN MY LIFE AND MAKING IT ABOUT YOU.
I GOT A CONCUSSION! I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND, MIKE.
I THOUGHT YOU CARED ABOUT ME.
STACY, I MR.
MAYOR, THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE JUST FAXED YOUR TEST RESULTS OVER.
YOU HAVE AN INFECTION THAT'S CLOGGED YOUR EARS UP.
THEY'RE SENDING SOME ANTIBIOTICS.
WHO'S OLD NOW, JAMES? THAT'S ONE RIGHT IN YOUR FACE.
I'M GLAD, SIR.
THIS MACHINE'S NEVER GONNA BREAK DOWN.
SIR, HERE'S THE SPEECH FOR YOUR A.
C.
L.
U MEETING.
NOW, THEY'RE TOUCHY, SO JUST MAKE SURE YOU STICK TO EXACTLY WHAT'S WRITTEN.
NO PROBLEM.
MOVING BACK INTO THE HOUSE WOULD BE THE MOST DAMAGING THING I COULD EVER DO TO MYSELF.
BUT IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT I'LL DO IT ANYWAY.
GREAT.
I AM MOVING OUT, AND YOU WANNA KNOW WHY? BECAUSE I'M MAKING HER.
MIKE I'VE BEEN PUSHING STACY.
SHE DIDN'T WANNA LEAVE YOU, THE PEOPLE THAT SHE LOVES MORE THAN ANYONE IN THE WORLD.
I JUST TOLD HER SHE HAD NO CHOICE.
AND IF YOU WANNA PUT A CURSE ON ME, SO BE IT.
I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU.
O.
K.
, A LITTLE BIT.
YOU COME INTO MY HOUSE AND TRY TO TAKE MY DAUGHTER AWAY FROM ME? I WANTED TO DO IT OVER THE PHONE.
STACY, YOU'RE SURE IT'S JUST FAMILY THAT'S BURIED IN THE BASEMENT? MOM, DAD, MIKE-- HE'S JUST BEING A GOOD FRIEND.
THE TRUTH IS I WANNA LEAVE.
PLEASE DON'T MAKE THIS BE ANY HARDER THAN IT HAS TO BE.
WE'LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF HER.
YOU KNOW SHE'S A VIRGIN.
YEAH, I KNOW.
SHE CHECKED THAT BOX ON THE APPLICATION.
COME ON.
I'LL HELP YOU PACK UP YOUR THINGS.
(SOBBING) THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT, IF YOU'RE GONNA TURN ME INTO AN ANIMAL I PREFER TOADS OVER RODENTS.
THAT'S A NICE THING YOU DID.
I'M LIFTING THE CURSE.
(SPITTING) WE BOTH KNOW THERE'S NO CURSE.
MMM.
(CELLULAR PHONE RINGS) HELLO? YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.
JUST SPRAINS.
ALL THE RANGERS ARE GONNA BE BACK TO PRACTICE ON MONDAY.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
HEY, SOPHIE.
YOU EVER GO TO THE TRACK? YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
OH, LOOK WHO'S COME CRAWLING BACK.
STUART IS HERE BECAUSE I INSISTED HE COME BACK.
WE HAVE A LOT OF PROJECTS THAT HE'S INVOLVED IN, AND IT'S JUST MORE EFFICIENT IF HE'S HERE.
SO IF YOU WANNA BLAME ANYONE, JUST BLAME ME.
OH, WE WILL.
THANKS FOR BAILING ME OUT.
IT REALLY MEANS A LOT.
DON'T MENTION IT.
IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK.
HERE.
HOLD THIS FOR A SECOND.
Man: SIT, UBU, SIT.
GOOD DOG.
(BARKING) MOO.