Stuck in the Middle (2016) s02e16 Episode Script

1 If you're planning on winning the Marshport Extreme Science Games this year, get ready to take a backseat to this seat.
I came up with the world's first affordable self-cleaning toilet.
You don't have to be royalty to sit on this throne.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS) - Sour Bear? - Hmm? I was offering you a Sour Bear.
I thought it'd be nice, the poor girl hanging out with a toilet.
Yeah, it wasn't glamorous dragging this through the halls, but once I win the Science Games, eek! I'll flush all the doubters down the drain.
More for me.
(EXPLOSION) I'm new here, but if that's the way your toilets work, I'm definitely holding it till I get home.
Potassium chloride and sugar! Bad mix! Thanks a lot, Sour Bear.
You ruined my project.
And you ruined mine! You just dumped my erosion study of Cape Cod down the toilet.
Well, there goes being the first freshman to win the Golden Beaker.
Maybe I did you a favor.
Sugar that goes in one end eventually comes out the other.
That's a lot of singed butts.
Well, maybe I did you a favor.
Because no one is taking home the Beaker for a box of sand.
(APPLE CRUNCHING) Oh! This is where I always come to think.
Didn't know anybody else knew about it.
You take it.
I'll find someplace else.
We can share.
The way things are going, we'll probably run into each other in another five minutes, anyway.
I'm Harley.
Sophie.
My dream project for the Science Games was a sling launcher, you know, like they use for drones.
Oh.
I thought that was a banana on skates.
I was working on an idea for a space capsule.
Maybe we could partner up.
Sure.
We blew up a toilet together.
Who knows what we could accomplish? I'm liking the vibe on this girl.
I have a lot of friends, but with Ellie away at school, I'm missing my go-to girl.
If I were to invent a Build-Your-Own-Buddy kit, Sophie would be the picture on the box.
I'd say we could go to my house, but we're still moving in.
Let's go to your house.
My house? Where my family lives? That's not where I take friends I want to keep.
That's where I take friends I want to lose.
Hey, Harley's friend.
Want to see our spider collection? Actually, can you help us find our spider collection? (SCREAMS) Please? Somehow, I've gotta make sure my family doesn't scare Sophie off.
Because after meeting them, an exploding toilet will be the least freaky thing she sees today.
Hey, hey, hey, hey Sometimes it feels like things are outta control Like you're living in a circus Tryin' to figure out your way in the world Where you're at is kinda perfect So turn it up, turn it up Do your thing, don't stop Let the games begin, let's jump right in I wanna get stuck with you In the middle of the party We're just getting started I wanna get stuck with you In the eye of the tornado, rowin' in the same boat I wanna get stuck with you Get stuck in the middle with you I wanna get stuck with you Well, cleared all the stray underwear off the table.
- New friend.
- Yeah.
I met this really cool girl, Sophie, so I don't want anyone doing anything annoying or weird or basically anything a Diaz would do.
I know how to keep Lewie and Beast busy.
I'll slip them that video game they're not supposed to have, the one where old presidents become zombies.
Mount Gushmore! Perfect.
And I'll tell Georgie I just read LeBron is working on a four-point shot.
Four-point shot? That's not a thing.
Exactly! She'll be trying to figure it out all day.
Oh, and Daphne will heckle her the whole time, so that's two annoying birds with one basketball.
What about Rachel? Just tell her you have a friend coming over to do homework.
Yes! Homework.
Friend.
Either of those words will make her stay far, far away.
Well, that's everybody who could do some damage.
Oof! You're forgetting one.
You.
Your friends love me.
Exactly! For reasons I don't understand, whenever I bring a friend over, they get sucked into your tractor beam of charm.
Pretty soon, you get distracted, and well Wait, you mean the prom is tonight? And then the girl doesn't want to talk to me anymore because it's "awkward.
" That's fair.
Only I wouldn't call it "tractor beam of charm.
" It's more of a magnetic field.
Whatever it is, just stay in your room and power it down until Sophie's gone.
Here comes Zombie George Washington.
Let's show 'em you can do more with an axe than chop down a cherry tree! I cannot tell a lie! You're gonna die! - (DOOR CLOSES) - Not my report card.
Not my report card.
Ooh! Traffic ticket for Mom! I'm totally putting this on the fridge the way she does with our report cards, so she has to "live with her bad decisions.
" Ooh! Look at this! Burn! It's one of those red-light camera tickets.
(SIGHS) Could you keep it down! We're trying to dismember the founding fathers over here! (GASPS) Oh, no! This isn't Mom's ticket, it's mine! That's 500 bucks and traffic school! Plus the money you have to pay us to keep it quiet.
Dummies, you're in this, too.
What? It was from that weekend that we took the car without Mom knowing so I could go to that mall in Rhode Island and you could play in that loser-tag tournament.
- Laser tag.
- I was talking about the people, not the game.
You can barely tell that this is you.
Maybe it wasn't me.
It was.
You yelled at us.
I remember.
It was hurtful.
Keep up! If you guys ever want to play laser tag again, we need to convince Mom she was the one driving.
That won't be hard.
Wrangling a seven-kid circus already has her on the edge.
Guys, has anyone seen my coffee mug? Never mind! We just need to give her a little push.
(DOORBELL RINGS) I got it! Any one of you guys goes near that door, there's going to be trouble.
I swear I'll hurt you.
Hey! Hey.
Who's the girl in the middle of the street throwing a basketball at your house yelling "Georgie for four"? Oh, that's just our neighbor.
Poor thing.
She's always wandering over.
Hey, Harley, want to help us make Mom think she's crazy? No, stranger in my house! Get out of here! I'm so sorry.
The Science Games are pretty cutthroat.
We don't want just anybody walking in here.
- Hmm? - Wow.
This looks great! You really took my design to the next level.
Next level is where I begin.
I rigged this helmet to collect data from our launch.
Oh! And check this out.
I modeled our launcher on your sketches and Air Force technology.
You know, if the Air Force launched watermelons into a pond.
And this green little guy is gonna be our test pilot.
Or I could be the test pilot! I'm pretty tough.
I already survived a toilet explosion.
That's crazy.
It wouldn't be safe.
Besides, Watermelon already has his heart set on it.
(CHUCKLES) Oh! Hey, Mom.
Let me take a picture of you.
Oh, I really don't have time.
It's for the Hot Mom Challenge! I guess I have a minute! (CHUCKLES) (CLEARS THROAT, SIGHS) You could look hotter.
Oh.
(CLEARS THROAT) All right.
What happened to the bags? I set them down right here.
You didn't bring any bags.
(SIGHS) I guess I left them in the car.
Mom brain.
Oh This is gonna be way too easy.
If anyone asks, the Hot Mom Challenge is a thing.
Who's this? A friend over to do homework.
Later! I can't believe I'm about to pull this off! Sophie's going to make it out of here without any of my siblings harassing her.
(SIGHS) I hope one day I can say the same.
Oh! I left my notebook up in your room.
- I'll go get it.
- No! I mean, what kind of a host would I be if I made you walk up all those stairs? Go wait by the door.
I'll be right back.
SOPHIE: Are you serious? Uh-oh.
Who's she talking to? Yeah, I thought it was a cat, but it was a skunk.
No way! Your brother's so funny! Hilarious.
I love him! Well.
See you at school tomorrow.
Great.
Sounds good.
You didn't tell me he was so cute.
I can't.
Not again.
Wait, you mean today is Valentine's Day? Of course.
I got you a old picture of my dad! Won't you be my valentine? HARLEY: We're still hanging tomorrow, right, Tara? Ooh, chocolate chip, my favorite.
- Whoa! - You said you'd stay in your room! Hey, Mom just got home from the store, and there's a five-minute window before those babies are gone.
That cookie got caught in the crossfire, but you had it coming.
What is this? A trip down failure lane.
These are all the girls you've disappointed in the past.
Not fair.
Grace Decker moved to Connecticut when her dad changed jobs.
That's the story she told you.
The point is, they all used to be my friends, and now they're not.
I get it.
This is about Sophie.
Relax, there's nothing going on.
Really? I saw you guys talking in the hall at school.
We bumped into each other.
You went to the library with her.
She's new! I was just showing her where it was.
Library?! I'm surprised you knew where it was.
Harley, trust me, I have zero interest in Sophie.
It's too late.
She already likes you.
She does? What'd she say? Start from the top.
I've been down this road before, and I don't want to have to cross out her face.
So, we're going to take the goat by the horns and give you a crash course on how to treat Sophie.
Okay.
But it's "bull by the horns.
" I saw you eat that cookie off the floor.
It's goat.
Okay! Please let everyone know that dinner's ready.
Dinner! (SIGHS) Yeah, that's exactly what I meant.
I hope everyone's excited for my famous enchiladas! Are they famous for being tuna casserole? What? You really are forgetting things lately.
I know I put enchiladas in here! Well, we're having tuna.
If you were a girl and Ethan sent you a cat video, would you think that's cute? I am a girl, and no.
What are you up to? Puppeteering Ethan so I can keep him from chasing away my almost best friend.
That's twisted.
What are you doing? Convincing Mom she lost her mind so I can get out of a traffic ticket.
I won't ask any more if you don't.
Deal.
Look, an adorable video of a kitten playing a tiny piano.
Send it to Sophie so she'll know you're thinking of her.
Great idea! After this, I'll send her the one of the raccoon throwing up into a fan.
Here's a good rule of thumb don't send anything you got from Lewie and Beast.
This card has Lady Gaga on it.
Sophie is gaga for Gaga.
You should send it to her.
And use that joke.
"E-Town McMoney"? It's my rap name, yo.
(SIGHS) This is why I have extras.
Yo, wrap your fingers around this pen and try again.
This is looking awesome.
We are so winning the Golden Beaker trophy.
Our main competition is poop.
That is some bold smack talk.
No, it's literally a pile of poop.
Hybrid fertilizer project.
This calls for a celebration Sour Bear.
Check it out.
Your brother got me these.
And tonight, he's taking me to a movie.
We'll get more Sour Bears! Do you think I have a problem? (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) Don't wanna be late for class.
I'm impressed.
Ethan sent those on his own and planned a movie by himself.
I should've come up with this plan three friends ago.
Told you I'd be home before curfew! And you didn't turn the clocks back this time.
I'm impressed.
Night.
We can't sleep! Will you make us some warm milk? Oh, guys, I'm paying bills.
Good idea! How can we help? I'll get the milk.
Sorry, we're out of milk.
Milk? We asked for juice.
You did? (DOOR OPENS) Told you I'd be home before curfew! Didn't you just come in? Uh, no.
Why would I come in, then come in again? Are you okay, Mom? You seem really scattered lately.
Mom brain! We'll get our own juice.
Oh I think I'll go help them.
Uh-oh.
No! A red light ticket? Yikes! Not stopping at a red light is a bad decision, Mom.
Wait, in Rhode Island? I wasn't in Rhode Island two weeks ago.
Was I? Oh, I'm really starting to lose it.
At least you still have your looks, Hot Mom.
Oh Oh.
Hey! What are you doing here? Working on my new graphic novel.
It's about a time-traveling squirrel in the Old West, because really all I can draw is squirrels in cowboy hats.
No! I mean, aren't you supposed to be at a movie with Sophie? That doesn't start until 7:00.
- It's 8:30! - Whoa! This time-traveling thing is really messing with my head.
I'll smooth it out.
I'll tell her how sorry I am.
Talking to her is not enough.
This is a doing situation.
You have to do something to let her know how sorry you are.
Harley, I got this.
Okay.
He don't got this but Harley knew.
The perfect "I promised you a nice night out but then I was Ethan" gift.
And he doesn't have to know anything about it.
Better not look.
That'd make you an accomplice.
I'm so excited for today's Science Games.
Can't wait to launch this guy way up into the air.
Don't worry.
He can't hear.
That's why you put googly eyes, not googly ears on these things.
Oh! Here comes my gift to Sophie.
I mean, Ethan's gift to Sophie.
(IN GERMAN ACCENT) Why, hello there, Sophie! You know my name? Of course I do! I'm Albert Einstein! That's Al to the Ber to the E to the Stein.
Ethan sent me to say I'm sorry, and also good luck at the Science Games! You don't have to be a genius to know you're a very special girl.
(LAUGHING) (RAP BEAT PLAYING) Please, no.
I can spit atoms Do physics like a boss Ethan loves your project It's super awesome sauce - Sophie, Sophie - What were you thinking? Why would you send me this? - Why would I send you this? - You're a very special girl - Why would anyone send you this? - Very special girl Your brain is so dope, your brain is so fly Soon you'll be flinging melons up into the sky Yeah! Sophie.
Sophie.
Sophie.
Well, if you didn't send it, who did? Special girl! Special girl! Up into the sky! Lay it down, Einstein! Whoo! (SIGHS) BEAST: What you doing? Looking for my keys.
I can't find them anywhere.
Ah, here they are.
- Oh! - Must've fallen underneath the seat.
There's something else.
Hmm.
Cranston Coffee Company.
Isn't that the coffee shop at the mall in Rhode Island? Yeah, I think so.
And there's your name, Suzy, right there on the cup.
Wow.
Seems like you were there, Mom.
Seems like it.
I guess that solves the mystery of the ticket.
Well, I feel better now.
Mom brain.
Don't worry! Happens to the best of them.
(SIGHING) Mom brain, huh? - Wait! - ANNOUNCER: Up next, Melissa Carter's hybrid fertilizer project.
I don't get it, Harley.
Why would you send me a hip-hop Einstein? It's the Science Games! I thought it was funnier in my head.
A rapping German scientist? You embarrassed me in front of the whole school.
I don't know why it was funny in my head! And why were you sending me gifts from your brother? Yeah, I'd like to know that, too.
There's a whole whiteboard of photos I could show you, but let's just say I didn't want to lose a friend.
ANNOUNCER: Up next, Harley Diaz and Sophie Adam's watermelon launch.
There'll be plenty of time to yell at me later, but right now, we have a Golden Beaker to win.
May not be great at relationships, but I'm still pretty clutch at science.
Wait, where's the watermelon? (GASPS) Oh! I put it on the snack table! The one time they don't eat the cookies first! Maybe I can save him! Hands off that fruit with the face! I can't believe this.
Our project is ruined.
I'm gonna tell the judges we can't compete.
There's gotta be something we can do.
It's over, Harley.
I wanted to win the Science Games, too.
And being the new kid, I thought this would be a chance to make a friend.
Turns out I was wrong about both.
ANNOUNCER: Last call for Harley Diaz and Sophie Adams.
I'm off to Skylar's pool party.
I don't remember saying that was okay.
You said it last week.
Yeah, and you said that you'd take us to laser tag tomorrow.
And buy us ice cream after.
Well, I have been very forgetful lately.
It's funny, I've been thinking about my trip to Rhode Island.
You know, when I got my coffee? It's so rare that I treat myself like that.
Well, you should.
It might help your memory.
Thing is, the cup said Suzy.
Right, that's you.
Did you forget that, too? It's just that when I do go for coffee, I'm not Suzy.
I'm a carefree single gal on her way to Paris.
You see, Suzy drinks coffee at home, but at the coffee shop, my name is Celeste, and yet the cup I found in my car says Suzy.
That's right, I figured out your little scheme.
You're all grounded, and you'll be paying for the ticket and going to traffic school.
Traffic school?! And with everyone forgetting everything, here's something you may all want to remember.
Don't mess with Mom.
(SIGHING) I couldn't save him, but he made a noble sacrifice, and he's delicious.
Look out, duck pond! Here I come.
SOPHIE: Harley, no! - ETHAN: Harley! - (GIRLS SCREAMING) BOY: Whoa! Are you okay? Forgot to calculate I weigh more than a watermelon.
I didn't make it to the pond, but did I have to land in poop? It's hybrid fertilizer.
Have you smelled me? I have, and now that I know you're okay, I'm gonna stop smelling you.
Are you out of your mind? You risked your neck to save a silly science project.
That's not what I was trying to save.
Aw.
I'd hug you right now, but this is actually as close as I can get without gagging.
That's fair.
HARLEY: It's easy to worry about your siblings messing things up, but sometimes, you mess up all on your own.
The Golden Beaker.
Isn't it beautiful? Sure is.
Congratulations, Melissa.
Well, we didn't win, but when people ask how we met, we've got a pretty good story.
I guess you can lose the trophy and still win a prize.
All right, this is almost pretty good.