Superman (1996) s02e16 Episode Script

Hang on there, Clyde.
Sorry, miss, we're closed.
Just look at what I'm selling.
You'll plotz.
Good work, Harley girl.
Now, what would be a suitable trade for our joke-in-the-box? For some reason, this just speaks to me.
What do you think, Harl? It's you, pudding.
Awfully nice doing business with you.
Ta.
What a pleasant fellow.
It's weird.
All this junk and the Joker only takes one lousy statue.
Especially since word on the street says he's desperate for cash these days.
Things are never what they seem with the Joker.
I guess the night brings out all the wackos.
It was made of jade, worth maybe a hundred grand.
I'd like a closer look.
Hey.
He can't leave a crime scene with evidence.
You want to stop him, be my guest.
According to this, the Laughing Dragon has earned quite a foreboding reputation.
Ever since it was carved in China nearly 30 years ago it has passed through several owners, all of whom died prematurely.
And I can tell you why.
This so-called jade is emitting low-level radiation.
Alfred, isn't Bruce Wayne about due for a trip to Metropolis? Yes, but do you think this is an appropriate time? I'd say the timing couldn't be better.
Ladies and gentlemen of the press if you stay calm, you may actually live to write about this.
Is the president secured? Copy.
We've already informed him of our change in flight plans.
-What's going on? -What's he doing to her? Let's make an example of this hero.
A very tragic example, I'm afraid, Miss? -Lane.
-Lane? Lois Lane? The one Superman always saves? Afraid so.
Thanks for strapping me in.
Happy I could help out, Mr.
President.
I hope I didn't shake you and the others up too badly.
I hate to say, I've gotten used to it.
Superman? Yes? How can I put this? I was just thinking, it might be nice to see each other when I wasn't, I don't know, falling out a window or something.
I'm grateful for all the times you've helped me, you understand.
-I understand.
-You do? -It's the First National Bank.
-You'd better go.
People might-- Get hurt.
"l understand, Lois.
" "Really, you do? " "Yep.
You're a complete moron.
" "Why, thank you, Superman.
I think I'm a total loser too.
" Jeez.
"A grateful president bestows heartfelt thanks on Metropolis' favorite son, Superman.
" Favorite son, my-- Mercy.
Start the car.
I'm coming down.
Right away, Lex.
The office.
Now.
Swell, Mr.
L.
"Mr.
L.
"? Mercy? Oh, yeah, she had a little accident.
All right, missy.
I don't know what your game is but I promise you you'll pay dearly for this! You're dead.
Do you hear me? Blah, blah, blah.
Whoa, mama! Check out the cute hitchhiker.
Yoo-hoo! -Joker.
-Lexy, old kid.
Do I have a deal for you.
Rich Corinthian leather.
What do you want? I sense we are kindred spirits, you and l.
Oh, there are differences to be sure.
Like hair.
But underneath it all, we're both entrepreneurs, men of vision.
We see an opportunity, we grab it.
Am I right? Right.
But in the past few weeks, I've had a run of bad luck bad luck that wears a cape.
Thanks to that miserable, pointy-eared rodent, Batman all my operations in Gotham City have been shut down.
But you too have an overgrown bully in long underwear which brings me to my little proposition.
I'm listening.
Pay me one billion dollars, and I'll kill Superman.
What makes you think you can kill Superman when you can't even handle a mere mortal in a Halloween costume? There's nothing mere about that mortal.
Besides I've read up on your flyboy.
I know his weakness.
See? Solid Kryptonite.
You know I can't be connected to this in any way.
Oh, you'll be Mr.
Clean, I promise.
Deal? Deal.
I hear Wayne's deal with LexCorp could run into the billions.
He's a high roller.
I hear he's nothing but Gotham trash.
Rich, spoiled and absolutely gorgeous.
-Mr.
Wayne.
Mr.
Wayne.
-What brings you to Metropolis? How long will you stay? Quick, is my hair straight? Excuse me, aren't you the famous Lois Lane? Me? Famous? Well, hardly.
I mean, uh.
This is Clark Kent.
Mr.
Wayne.
I read all about your adventure on Air Force One.
-You're quite the newsmaker.
-No more than you.
Which brings up the question of why you're in town.
Mr.
Wayne, your car.
Maybe we can discuss it over dinner, if you're available.
Totally.
I mean, I think so.
I'll have to check my calen-- Yes.
Great.
I'll pick you up at 8.
Who'd have figured a guy named Weasel could cook this good? Caesar Carlini, my old pal.
Why, I haven't seen you since.
Wait.
I've never seen you, have l? You need to get out more.
-Who is this clown? -Not "Clown.
" Joker.
I'm in town on business and I need a place to hang my hat.
Try the Motel Nine.
But it would be so much cozier at your place, like a sleepover.
Are you nuts? Kill him.
Can I play too? Carlini, all that spicy food.
You look a little gassy.
No.
Stop.
Holy guacamole.
Looks like you need a new leader.
I nominate me.
I second the nomination.
All opposed? They found him like this at the city dump.
The lights are on but nobody's home.
But we know who did it.
He's telling us right now.
As you can see, the WayneLex T7 can traverse the most difficult terrain never losing sight of its ultimate target.
Fourteen-point-eight seconds.
Congratulations.
This is your project too, you know.
Well, I'm proud of the work both our teams have done.
These robots are gonna revolutionize unmanned space travel.
Actually, there may be a use for them closer to home.
The Joint Chiefs have shown tremendous interest.
It doesn't take much imagination to envision these robots on the battlefield.
Except I won't allow it.
-What? -I don't like guns.
Well, Bruce, I think I have something to say about this.
Not according to our deal.
All technological applications need my approval first.
Blame it on me, Lex.
Tell your pals at the Pentagon I just don't have the imagination.
So he just appears when there's trouble? No special signal? He's not like your Batman, thank goodness.
Then how do you contact him? Committing a felony helps.
Listen, you seem awfully interested in Superman.
-Do you want me to fix you two up? -Sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
It's just that I was hoping to get away from the subject of the Man of Steel for one night.
I've been a little too consumed with him lately.
Maybe we could change subjects.
No more men in tights? Deal.
So just keep your ears open.
Let me know if you hear any buzz about the Joker.
Sure thing, Mr.
Kent.
But, uh, which one? There's lots of jokers around here.
Hey, sweetheart.
What are you, deaf? Another round! -What's going on? -What's happening? Who is he? It's been a long time, Binko.
I heard your boss Carlini's been replaced.
We need to talk.
Let's get out of here.
Get him! Hey! Where's the Joker? Who knows? Making ha-ha with Harley Quinn.
I don't know.
Honest.
I never went back after he muscled in.
I don't want nothing to do with that clown.
That's enough.
I think you got your answer.
I heard you were crazy.
I didn't think you were stupid.
-Bruce Wayne? -You peeked.
I won't have vigilantism in my town.
You'll be rid of me.
As soon as I find the Joker.
That may not be soon enough.
It doesn't take much, does it? The Joker has 20 pounds more where this came from.
Thought you might like to know.
-Hello.
-Hi.
I just wanted to let you know, I'll be in late tomorrow.
I'm having breakfast with Bruce.
Isn't that special? Do I detect a note of disapproval? You were the one who compared him to garbage.
Well, I was wrong.
He's very thoughtful and much deeper than the gossipmongers would lead you to believe.
-You'd be surprised.
-Would I now? I'll let you go so you can count sheep or whatever you Kansas boys dream about.
Bye.
Touché.
[ENGLlSH.]