The Drew Carey Show (1995) s02e16 Episode Script

[instrumental music]
Oh, well, that's
smart eating, Drew.
Most of the fat is in the skin.
Oh, Mimi, why you gotta
be like that?
I mean, your face.
They're seat covers.
Finally saved enough money to
put a down payment on a new car.
Wow, you can
afford a new car?
Yup, brand new '91.
Well, what's the matter,
was the old one
gettin' a little tight
around the hips?
[laughing]
I'm back.
- Hey.
- Hi.
I got your postcard
from Atlantic city.
Looks like you and grandma
had some good times.
Yeah, until grandma got drunk
and decided to talk to me
like I was her girlfriend.
Oh, guess what?
Her new guy can
still go out at her
like a 65 year old.
You have my mail?
Yeah, it's mostly bills
and your Victoria's Secret
catalogue came
butI lost it.
Oh.
- Did you get the new car?
- Buick LeSabre.
You know, it's a little more
than I wanted to spend
but at least now, when the cute
girl in the next lane laughs
at me I know it's not the car.
It'll just be me.
You didn't have to stretch
yourself so thin, Drew.
Haven't you heard of deferred
payments? It's great.
I don't know anything
on my micro for six months.
It's not due till March first.
And I bought this TV
no payments for a year.
So, that's not due until..
March first, uh-huh.
But, the pottery wheel
no payments for a year
and a half
so I am good on this baby
till March first.
Oh, my God!
That's in two weeks!
Pottery wheel? Gee.
You think that would
have paid for itself by now.
Oh, my God. I am so screwed.
What am I gonna do?
You need money?
I got three words for you.
Prisoners love panties.
[telephone ringing]
Hello.
Yes, this is Drew Carey's desk.
May I ask what
this is regarding?
Oh, well, that's okay.
'Cause I'm hiswife.
What? Oh, how awful.
Oh, one minute, I'll go get him.
[on office speakers]
Drew Carey, your bank
is on the phone.
(Mimi)
'They need to talk to you'
because you bounced a check.
I repeat, you bounced a check.
I don'tbelievethis.
[on office speakers]
I bounced a check? It wasn't
the one for my prostate exam?
Was it?
How could I bounce a check?
I-I just deposited
a bunch of checks.
Oh, one of' em bounced,
from who?
What? I don't even know
a Kyra Sullivan.
Is her phone number
on the check?
Thank.. Oh, you know what?
It's one of my friends
must have took it
when I was having
my garage sale.
Thanks, just, you know,
just transfer the money
from my savings.
Yeah, I know there's
a fee for that.
Yeah, I know there's a fee
for this call.
What? A multiple fee fee?
Well, listen, buddy, I got
a fee-fees of my own.
How about I get your fee
right here, fee.
Follow up--
Well, that was rude.
Bounced check?
I don't believe it.
What'd you blow
all your money on?
Having your corkscrewed
tail removed?
Real nice, Mimi, hit a guy
while he's down.
I gotta call this woman,
and get my money back.
Could you please file
this paper for me?
And for once,
could you be careful?
I was up all night working on
that proposal.
Oh-oh. Oh-oh-woah.
I think I'm gonna drop it.
Oh, oops.
(Mimi)
'Right into the shredder.'
Oh, lucky it wasn't..
[shredder whirring]
on.
Oh, I forgot.
That wasn't my proposal
that was you vacation request
your medical claim forms
and, oh yeah, you finally
got a letter back
from Antonio Banderas.
Hey ♪
Up every morning ♪
Hey ♪
Just to keep a job ♪
Hey ♪
I gotta fight my way ♪
Hey ♪
Through the hustling mob ♪
Hey ♪
Sounds of the city ♪
Hey ♪
Poundin' in my brain ♪
Hey ♪
While another day ♪
Hey ♪
Goes down the drain ♪
Yeah yeah yeah ♪
But it's a 5 o'clock world ♪
When the whistle blows ♪
And no one owns
a piece of my time ♪
And there's 5 o'clock me
inside my clothes ♪
Thinkin' that the world
looks fine ♪
Yeah ♪
Hey ♪
Holiday ♪
Hey ♪
Ee-e-e yeah ♪
Hey ♪
Hey ♪♪
[instrumental music]
So, you sure this
check bouncer of yours
is really gonna show up?
She better show up. You think
I've been sitting here
for the last hour drinking beer
for nothing?
I could've been..
well, she better show up,
that's all.
Mm-hm.
Could you pass the ketchup?
[chuckles]
Hey, man.
I know you're in trouble
but you can't
go a whole month without
spending any money.
Why don't you just let me
lend you a few bucks?
Hey, look at this.
What do we got here?
Roasted nuts, staples
napkins, lemons.
- Olive?
- Oh.
- Give me that.
- Kate.
I think, it's a good time for us
to remember the story
of the grasshopper and the ant.
Wait, how'd you hear about
the grasshopper and the ant?
Nobody outside of drug coast
is supposed to know about that.
What do you mean?
I'm talking about the Fable.
Oh, yeah, the Fable.
Genetically engineered ants and
grasshoppers killed two workers.
All a big fairy tale.
Go on.
[chuckles]
Guys, I don't need
a lecture about money.
I maybe cash poor
but I am condiment rich.
Hey, they're throwing out old
meat at the "Stop and Shop."
Who's gonna give me a ride?
Old meat. Why didn't
you say something?
I'll give you a ride if
Drew lets us borrow the new car.
Come on, I just got it.
- Oh, please.
- Come on, come on.
Alright, you can put
your meat in my trunk
but don't get it mixed up
with my meat.
No playing "Starsky and Hutch."
Oh, come on, we're not
gonna play "Starsky and Hutch."
Two guys and a girl, looks like
"Dukes of Hazzard" to me.
Hey, last one up
on two wheels is a revenor.
- Wo-hoo.
- We-hee.
Excuse me. Are you Drew Carey?
Let's see, a woman's approaching
me in a bar
and it's not last call
on St. Pattrick's day.
You must owe me some money.
I'm Kyra Sullivan,
and I'm so sorry about this.
Yeah, and I know this must
be embarrassing for you.
Let's just get it over with.
Right, I have the cash in here.
Oh.
God.
I hope, I didn't forget it.
Oh, dear.
Let me retrace my steps.
Step, step, step,
Warsaw door.
Step, step, step, my car.
Drive, drive, drive, my house.
Step, step, step,
oh there's my earring
that doesn't help you.
Step, step, step.
Oh, hi, puppy, watch out,
mommy's walking.
- Step, step--
- Okay, listen.
I only have so much time
here, before we get back
to "crawl, crawl crawl."
Why don't you sit down over,
and relax.
Boy, Kyra.
That's an unusual name.
I knew a Kyra once,
in junior high, Kyra Sims.
That's my maiden name.
Oh, my God.
I knew that name
sounded familiar.
Drew, Drew Carey
from junior high.
Kyra Sims.
I don't believe it,
look at you, you look great.
Well, you lost a lot of weight.
Oh, and look at you.
Big as life.
What a loser way to meet you
after all these years.
No, no. I'm really the one who
should be apologizing to you.
Look, I know this
is kinda lame, but..
I'm really sorry, I told all
those guys in seventh grade
that I got to second base
with you.
It was really cool of you
not to deny it.
Hey, you had more
of a second base
than I did, back then.
Well, still, nice of you.
I was 13.
I was tired of running
the bases by myself.
[laughing]
Oh, boy, it's really good
to see you again.
We had a lot of good times,
back then.
Yeah, it was a full week.
My old roommate stole
a whole book of my checks
and wrote them all over town.
Oh, what a jerk.
[sighing]
That's not the worst part.
He was paying off gambling debts
and my address
is on those checks.
These guys know where I live.
All I need is a week,
and I can clear everything up
butuntil then
I'm scared to go home.
Wow, that's terrible.
Hey, uh, look, I never thought
I'd ever say this
but, uh why don't you lay low
at my place
till the heat dies down..
baby.
You'd do that for me?
Yeah, if you don't mind
sleeping on a lumpy couch.
Oh, wait a-what kind
of gentleman am I?
Here, listen, I'll take
the lumpy couch
and you can have the lumpy bed.
This is so great.
Oh, before I forget,
let me write you
a good check
of my other account.
Oh, you know,
I should've asked you this
before I asked you
to stay with me.
You're not still married, or
anything, are you?
Oh, no. I dumped my old man
a long time ago.
Wow, you dumped your old man
and now you're shacking up
with me till the heat dies down.
(Lewis)
Hey, Drew.
Everything is fine.
The car drives great.
Boy, those airbags really come
at you, don't they?
[instrumental music]
- Good morning.
- Hey, you're up early.
Yeah, I forgot to reset
your alarm again.
By the way, I'm impressed.
Clocks that run on potatoes.
Potatoes, they taste good
they're a natural
source of power.
Try running anything
on stuffing.
Actually, I'm going down
to where my old roommate works
and I'm gonna give him hell
about stealing those checks.
Where does he work?
At a toll booth
on Ohio turnpike.
Tollbooth, huh?
You know some way
I always wondered about those--
There's porta potty
on the side of the road.
Oh.
You know, it's really sweet
of you to give me your bedroom
but why don't you just use
the other bedroom?
Oh, I've figured you kinda
needed your privacy
besides at night, my-my body
is kind of an orchestra.
You know, I just get more
and more attracted to you.
[sighs]
Well, I better get going.
Oh, wait.
I wanna show you something,
it's the valentine you gave me
when we were
in the seventh grade.
See, the two skunk's tails
form the top of the heart there?
"Would you be my valentine,
you little stinker?"
Oh, that is so cute.
Hey, wait a minute, you haven't
been like, carrying that around
in your wallet all this time,
have you?
No, of course not, I keep
it pinned to my underwear.
I'll never forget
what you wrote inside here, I..
think it's one
of the sweetest things
anybody have ever said to me.
"I don't think you're fat."
I still don't.
Hey, Kyra, you know what?
Since we're already, you know,
like, living together, uh..
why don't we go out tonight?
You know, like, on a date.
[sighs]
Okay, but I get
to make the plans.
Pick me up at my place.
Where the hell is my car ♪♪
Yeah, hi, it's Drew Carey.
Yeah, listen,
I just bought a car from you
and I don't even have the paper
work yet and now it's stolen.
Yeah, '91 blue color Saber.
Phew.
Repossessed?
No, look, my down payment check
couldn't have bounced.
That's impossible.
The only way it could have
bounced is that the women
who wrote me the check
and it didn't clear.
I'll call you right back.
[sighs]
Yeah, grandma, it's Drew.
Listen, you know those
new teeth I helped you buy?
Yeah, I can hear
them chattering, sound great.
Listen, uh, no matter
who comes to your door today
don't open your mouth.
[instrumental music]
Listen, everybody, I know you
are used to big fancy cars
for your executive car pool
and I had one, I swear.
I'm gonna get it back.
But in the mean time
hey, how many
of you have ridden
in a real delivery truck
before, huh?
Let's see a show of hands.
Come on, it's not my fault
no one else had a car available.
[dogs barking]
Up, here comes our delivery man.
Scooch in a little,
will ya there?
There were hounds!
You didn't tell
me there were hounds.
I forgot.
Damn, it's freezing in here.
Hello, Bean. Bet there's
somethin' warm in here.
- Hey, hey, don't do that!
- Mittens!
(Oswald)
'Those are women's mittens,
Mr. Wick.'
Well, considering where my
testicles are at the moment
I think I qualify.
You know what my problem is?
Slow metabolism?
No, I believe
the best of people.
- I trust people.
- Yeah.
Here we are,
hey, buddy, you mind, uh
runnin' this up, uh, onto that
house for me?
Why what's wrong
with this place?
Nothing, trust me.
Okay.
Alright then, out with it.
What's the problem at this stop?
This is no problem but, uh,
you see that beautiful
woman Drew's talkin' to.
- Hm.
- It's a guy.
And some would say
little overly affectionate.
Oh, that's a lovely idea
but I'm sure
when Carey gets up close
he'll see it's a man.
No, he didn't!
[laughing]
Wow, thanks, buddy.
Talk about gorgeous, man.
My date should kiss me so good.
Yeah.
Jack's in a real good mood
when he get's his estrogen.
[laughing]
[instrumental music]
Phew, man. What a day?
Kyra is probably
a thousand miles away by now.
Can't get my car back without
a cashier's check.
Thanks for giving
me a ride home, Kate.
Hey, what are friends for?
I mean, what do we use?
Maybe three four gallons
of gas at what?
Buck 28 gallon.
And my time is certainly
not worth
more than 10 bucks an hour.
And that would come to..
21.50.
But you're a friend,
let's call it 20 even.
Fine.
What, no tip?
Wait, wait, Drew. I know what
you need. A bounty hunter.
For 50 bucks, I'll cover
the state and find her for you.
Yeah, if you can find her,
I'll give you a 100.
- Hey, Drew.
- Found her.
That'll be a hundred bucks.
You're still here,
you got a lot of nerve.
Yeah, if Hickory Farms wasn't
givin' out free samples
in 10 minutes, I'd give
you a piece of my mind.
Give her hell, Drew.
What happened?
What do you want, lady?
The pup is dry.
Oh, I know what you want.
My change.
Oh, no, my second
check bounced.
Oh, God, Drew,
I'm so sorry.
That bastard roommate
of mine must have taken
checks from both accounts.
Oh, yeah, the evil roommate.
Let me guess, this evil
roommate of yours
can he change shapes
and become you, for example?
Let me tell you, Drew,
your anger is misplaced.
No, no, no, no.
My car is misplaced.
My money is misplaced.
My trust is misplaced.
But my anger is,
nothin' but net.
Oh, wow!
I wanted it to be romantic.
It was supposed to be
our first date.
Ribs and ham.
Wow, you made everything I like.
And no vegetables.
Actually, I did
make vegetables.
Beer-Battered Broccoli.
Wow, you can hardly
taste the broccoli.
Wait. I get it.
I eat this, I get sleepy,
next thing, you know
I wake up in a cargo ship,
part of some
chubby white guy slave trade
thing you got goin' on.
And here I thought
it was so smooth.
[scoffs]
But you got me, Drew.
You know what
a middle management guy
of your size goes
for these days?
Oh, we'll make millions!
[knock on door]
Oh, man, I wrote a check
for girl's scout
cookies last week.
It's probably
one of their goons.
Is Kyra Sullivan here?
- Now, who are you?
- I'm her old roommate.
What? Wait a second, there
really was an old roommate?
Yeah, and he's plenty
ticked off.
You think that was funny?
Parking your car
in my toll booth today?
I could have called the
cops but technically
you weren't
in Pennsylvania or Ohio.
Wait a second, there really
was an old roommate?
You're the reason
that I lost my car.
You're the reason
my grandma lost her teeth.
You're the reason I kissed
a man, full on the mouth.
I'm bouncing checks all
over town because of you.
I think you owe
both of us some money.
Oh, yeah.
Or what are you gonna do?
Whatever it takes to make
me look like less of an idiot
for not believing Kyra here.
You know, I may not
be able to beat you up.
I may not even be able to stop
you from beatin' me up.
But I know a woman with stubble
who would walk through fire
for me and she'd kick you ass.
You are insane.
Insane? You wanna see insane?
That was my dinner.
Now I'm really mad!
Okay, okay.
Here, drive safely
and have a nice day.
I didn't mean that.
Just force of habit.
And another thing, tow boy
how come those links don't start
till three hundred yards
after the booth?
It's like a demolition derby
out there, huh?
Thanks for standing up for me.
[Kyra sighs]
I hope I can kiss
as good as that man.
Almost.
[instrumental music]
- Hey, Drew.
- All my furniture's gone.
I told you he'd notice
That Kyra.
She's the sweetest, you know.
She felt so bad about
bouncing that second check
she wanted to give you
somethin', so she's havin'
all your
furniture reupholstered.
- Yeah.
- Even the coffee table?
I guess she's
having it refinished.
- 'Yeah.'
- And my stereo?
What is this, a test?
She ripped me off,
don't you get it?
She took everything,
she robbed me!
It's, everything's gone.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
If she ripped you off,
why is your TV still here?
Oh, Gee, why would someone
take a 70 year old TV
where you have to use pliers
to change the channel.
Oh, man, she even
took the pliers.
Gee, and they seemed
like such nice people.
- Yeah.
- They?
Yeah, her and her brother.
You-you know, coming to think
of it, he was pretty in shape
for a guy
who worked at a toll booth.
Oh, my God. He was in on it.
It was all a big con.
How can I be so stupid?
How am I gonna
find these people?
We're sorry, we let 'em
get away with it.
But at least one of us
was on the ball.
She dropped her wallet
and something told me
maybe I should hold on to this.
[laughs]
Hey, I never said this
when I was sobered.
- But Oswald, you are a genius.
- Yeah.
And there's all kinds
of ID in here.
I mean, there's five
Social Security Cards alone.
And-and eight
driver's licenses..
Hey, Kate! It's Kate.
Hey, you're finally
getting your floor buffed.
That's one way of puttin' it.
Yeah.
Hey, I got good news too.
I went to the bank
and consolidated all my debts
into one big loan,
only 21% interest
no payments for a year.
Hey, it's the idiot's club,
welcome.
Hey, I found this note
from Kyra on your door.
"Dear, Drew, I'm sorry.
"I feel real crappy
conning you like this.
"But I'm my own boss
and the hours are good.
"I'll always remember
the special times we had
"in the fifth grade
at that place.
"That time you said
those nice things.
Always Kyra Sims."
I thought she spelt Simms
with two M's not one.
She did.
And we didn't meet
in fifth grade.
We didn't together
until seventh grade.
Oh, my God, she's not even the
same person I thought it was.
She's a total stranger.
I slept with a stranger.
Hey, I slept with a stranger.
Boy, how bad did
she need furniture, huh?
[knock on door]
Coming.
- Are you Drew Carey?
- Yes, sir.
Did you have
some furniture stolen?
You're a detective, right?
Well, be thankful you engraved
your name on all your stuff.
'Cause we found it
on a truck that had a
little accident
pulling out of a toll booth.
Ha, I told you they didn't
start those lanes soon enough.
Can you identify the suspects?
'Cause if you can, you're in
line for a reward, Mr. Carey.
See, I knew something good was
gonna come out of all of this.
- How much?
- Fifty bucks.
Fifty bucks, really?
Oh, it's great!
I-I'll be right up,
thanks very much.
Thanks, thank you,
bye-bye, thank you.
Did you hear that?
The insurance company
would have gave my $5000
for my old crappy stuff
but I'm not gettin' it, instead
I'm gettin' all my old
crappy stuff back plus 50 bucks.
I'm screwed again!
Drew, this only happened
'cause you're one of the most
wonderful caring, trusting
people in the world.
Sure once in a while,
you're gonna get burned.
You're gonna loose your car.
Your furniture.
Your dignity.
But hey, look on
the bright side
we got a great place
to play soccer inside.
[crackling]
More good news, Drew.
I'm on your team
and we just scored.
[whistling]
Oh-oh.
Oh.
Oh, listen up,
I know what you're thinkin'.
I-I told them
it was a fable, huh?
Oh, no, don't get mad at me.
So I'm guessin' you'll
be at the company picnic?
Hey, it was just a joke.