The Last Man On Earth (2015) s02e16 Episode Script

1 Previously on The Last Man on Earth Did you give yourself a little haircut there? No, this is actually, uh, Mike's work.
TANDY: Hope you're not allergic to poison oak.
(whispering): I'm gonna get you back.
(screaming) This has got to stop.
I'm sorry.
Carol I'm sterile.
I want you to put Tandy's baby inside of me.
You've got it.
I don't know you But I want you All the more for that Words fall through me And always fool me And I can't react You have Suffered enough And warred with yourselves Yeah, at least they're not fighting anymore.
It's time that you Could they not fight somewhere else? They've sang this song, like, six times.
The movie is called Once! Take this sinking boat And point it home We've still got Time Raise your hopeful voice You have a choice You made it Now (freestyle rhythmic singing) (both laughing) That was great! It was really great.
You want to do another one? Sure, what are you thinking? "Falling Slowly?" - I'll go "Falling Slowly," yeah.
- Sure.
(laughs) I don't know you But I want you - I can't, I can't.
- (clears throat) All the more for that Hey.
I finished my drawing.
What do you think? It's really, uh, something.
Yeah, it's a stork dropping a baby into our eager hands.
Well, that's funny.
That looks like a little baby version of Todd, even has the little mustache there.
We should talk.
I think there may still be a way for us to have a baby.
Really? How? Well, I took a little initiative, and I talked to Todd, and he graciously agreed to be a sperm donor for us.
Oh, my God, that's great.
(laughing): Okay, I'm so relieved.
I just, I thought for sure you would be angry about another man performing the nasty with me.
W-wait, uh, t-the nasty? I-I-I thought we were talking turkey baster here, Carol.
Statistically speaking, the best way for Todd's product to gain purchase in my egg would be the old-fashioned way.
Don't you think you should have asked me about this first? I mean, this is you having sex with Todd.
Well, there is Mike.
No, absolutely not.
- My own brother, Carol? - Well re-enter Todd.
Pun intended.
(sighing): I don't know, Carol, and first and foremost, I don't know if I can stomach letting another man at your privates.
But, man, we really do want a child, and it's a dead end street with my guys.
Although what if you somehow fell for him.
Ah, you're not gonna fall for Todd.
But he is on kind of a roll.
No I can't think that way.
This is a chance to keep civilization going.
Let's do this, Carol.
Really? Let's have Todd put my baby in you.
(Carol gasps) TANDY AND MIKE: Your melody - I'll sing it - Uh-uh.
Loud.
(both laughing) - That was great.
- Yeah.
Should we do another one? Yeah, what do you want to do? Well, I-I mean, I'd do "Falling Slowly.
" Yeah, okay.
There we go.
So, Carol and I are getting a divorce.
Um What? What are you talk I thought you guys were doing great.
Oh, we are, never better, but, you know, she's getting married to Todd.
What? Hold on, I-I-I feel like I'm missing something here.
Oh, yeah, y-uh, we're having a baby.
Wildly lost at this point.
Okay, i-i-it'll be my baby, but it's Todd's.
Uh-huh.
In space, you get disoriented, but I feel like this is like what's happening? You know I'm sterile, right? - I did not know that.
- I should have led with that.
Yeah, no, that's a pretty natural opener, yeah.
A-anyway, big time blanks down there, like, extremely sterile.
- So, Carol is marrying Todd? - Yeah, 'cause they they're gonna have sex, so that means they have to get married.
She's very old-fashioned in that way.
You know what, I kind of love her for that.
Yeah, me too.
Yeah, I mean, I've never told her but You've never told her you loved her? No.
You got to do that.
You got to get on that.
Yeah, oh, no, no, I will, I'm just, uh, waiting for the-the perfect time.
Anyway, so quick divorce, marriage to Todd, impregnation, divorce from Todd, re-marriage to me, birth.
Yeah, well, that's-that's really nice of Todd to do that.
- He's a good dude.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
No, that's a that's a that's a yeah.
Yeah.
Um, uh, you know, I-I-I would've asked you, but, you know, Carol - is a little - Oh, yeah, yeah - uncomfortable with it.
- Understood, yeah.
I-I wanted it to be you.
I did, I did.
You know, fought pretty hard for it really hard, you know, valiantly but, uh, Carol calls the shizzies.
- Yeah.
- The shots.
- Hey, say no more.
- Yeah.
Uh Oh, right, yeah, yeah.
(clears throat) Yeah, we got a song to sing here, okay.
So, when's the big the big wedding? Oh, no, I talked to Carol, and she promised me it's not gonna be some big to-do.
("The Wedding March" plays) (Mike whoops) Good luck to you, buddy, she's a handful.
(laughs) (sighs) Pretty ugly spot for a wedding, huh? (laughs) Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man and this woman, however briefly, in holy matrimony.
Marriage should never be entered into lightly, for its sacred bonds last forever.
Its union eternal.
Now we come to the part in the ceremony where Carol and I will divorce.
Who will be notarizing the papers? I will.
I'm a licensed notary.
Okay, so, here and here.
All right.
Carol and I are duly divorced.
Uh, would anybody like to go out on a date? (laughs) CAROL: Too soon.
(laughs) It's time for the vows.
Carol? Todd, this is not my first sexual rodeo but still you accepted me as a pure and unsullied vessel for your seed, and because of you, our child will not be a bastard.
No judgment, Erica.
None taken? Carol, that was beautiful.
Todd? I can't believe we're-we're doing this.
(laughs) Join the club.
I am so honored and blessed by the opportunity to make a life for you and Tandy, and to do so in the presence of my two lovers, with their full support makes it all the more special.
Tandy, you're like a brother to me, man, and like a brother, I'd do anything for you.
It just it all comes back to family.
Yeah, uh, thank you, Todd.
Yeah, that was very, uh enlightening.
Now I'm obligated to ask if anyone has an objection to these two being married, speak now or forever hold your peace.
Anyone? Nobody? Well, if that's the case, I guess I'll say it no friggin' way.
I'm sorry? What? I am so sorry to ruin this beautiful wedding, and I love you, Todd.
You are like a brother to me but Mike you're even more like a brother, because you are a brother my brother, brother.
What are you saying? I'm saying, Mike Shelby Miller, will you be our sperm? Well, I thought you said Carol didn't want that.
It wasn't Carol.
It was me plus, I didn't think you'd want to do this.
Yeah, of course, I'd want to.
Uh, that is, if Carol is okay with it? Well, I should probably check with my fiancé.
Todd? Dear Lord.
- He's fine.
- Yeah - Yeah? - Right, bud? No, of come on, uh, yeah, of course, I mean, y-you know he's your brother.
I mean, it kind of makes sense.
So, I-I, you know, yeah, of course, yeah, please, - I'm not upset.
- (Tandy laughs) What do you say, Spaceman? I-I'd be honored.
(all chuckling) Todd, could you go take a seat? I'm going, okay? Okay.
- I'm going.
- Okay.
Sorry, yeah, hey, thanks.
Here we go.
This is Frickin' ridiculous.
Well, switching gears, uh Yeah.
Pretty ugly spot for a wedding, huh? (laughter) Okay, I'll be at the bar.
TANDY: Marriage should never be entered into lightly, for its sacred bonds last forever.
- GAIL: There you go.
- MIKE: All right, here we go.
I can't wait.
Mm-hmm.
It's a raisin ball cake.
Mmm.
Can you taste the mustard? Sure can, yeah, mmm.
CAROL: It's kind of a new thing I'm starting Say we like to body rock the parties just to give it a little more spice, bringing out the acidity of the raisins.
Rock the parties Party, party You like to body Rock the party We like to instant pop the parties Party, party P-p-party, party You okay? Yeah.
- Why wouldn't I be? - I don't know.
Uh, detecting kind of an anger in your moves.
Well, you must be reading my moves wrong.
Okay.
Are we good here? Absolutely.
'Cause you seem upset.
Why would I be upset? I don't know, 'cause you said you're okay with it.
Well, then I guess I must be okay with it.
So, we're good? So good, bro.
Now this is what you gotta do This is what you gotta do There's one thing you must do Round up Boogie Round up, round up, round up I must get mine I'm out to get it - If I'm being honest, - Mm-hmm.
I never really knocked moccasins with someone I don't know that well.
Yeah, well, why don't we get to know each other then? - Okay.
- Yeah? Um how'd you and Phil meet? - I saw his billboards, - Mm-hmm.
And then I caught him sniffing my bra, and I almost shot him, and then he wet himself and we've been together ever since.
So, just a classic pee-at-first-sight, huh? (laughs) (laughing): Yeah.
Exactly, yeah.
All right, Carol, I would have peed like crazy the first time I saw you, too.
(laughing): Oh, would you? Heck, I may have even squeezed out a little, teeny, tiny turd.
(both laugh) (laughing): I don't know.
Oh, Tandy, what the hell have you done? (laughter continues) (laughter) (laughing): He's really How's that happy couple, huh? - Oh, we're great.
- Mm-hmm.
We're just getting to know each other - even more.
- Mm-hmm.
So, today's the big day, huh? I got you a little gift.
You are such a doll.
You b oh, wow.
- What? - Thanks, Phil.
- Wow.
- It's for the connubial venture.
You know, uh, s-some outfits for the occasion.
Hey, that's a that's a nice blue.
- Look at that.
- Huh.
- Uh-oh.
- What? You know, I think they're fairly self-explanatory, but in case they're not, uh, this hole is for your penis, Mike.
And this is for your corresponding sexual area, Carol.
Anyway, when we get into that sex room, let's just keep it simple, huh? This is not the Winter Olympics.
There's no style points.
No hot dogging.
Let's just represent our country, get through the race, get back to the village.
It's just an honor to be there.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yep.
- Yeah.
I-I think we know what we're doing.
Oh, no, no, no, I know.
I-I-I we'll figure it out as we go, yeah I'm sorry, "we?" W-what are you talking about? Oh, I'm gonna be there.
Here we go.
Huh? What do you think? Here, right here, is the, uh, insemination bed.
Uh, this is my seat.
It's right here on the 50 yard line.
Although, I might move it down closer to field goal range once we get going, you know, depending on what's you know, where the action's at and such.
Uh, we'll deal that'll be a game time decision.
Anyway, uh why don't we take our positions and, uh, you know, make a baby.
Phil, I got to say, I-I'm not totally comfortable - with this arrangement.
- Well you know, this is the arrangement we got, so, uh, if you don't like it, there's the friggin' beads.
Okay.
All right, well, uh, sorry, Carol, - I just - lt's okay, Mike.
- Yeah.
- (Mike chuckles) Uh, Mike, Mike, wait, w-w-wait a minute, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Hear me out.
Look, there actually is a very serious reason I need to be here.
I'm listening.
I want to get a real close up of that genitalia of yours.
JK, this is a bad time for a joke, but seriously, have you ever seen the movie Indecent Proposal? Yes, of course.
I just think that if Woody Harrelson had been in that room, Demi Moore would have never stayed with Robert Redford, and I will go to my grave with that opinion.
But Demi Moore ends up going back to Woody Harrelson at the end of the movie.
Yeah, but (sighs) Look, just do what you need to do.
Please don't look at my genitals.
You know I can't make that promise, Mike.
I cannot believe I'm gonna do this, okay.
You're gonna do it! (laughs) He's gonna do it.
He's back in.
- (whispering): Okay.
- All right.
- Thanks, Mike.
- Hey, yeah, no.
Let's get into positions, huh? Those, uh, robes off.
Oh, yeah First here.
(clears throat) - Hi.
- Hi.
- Please - (Carol chuckles) begin.
CAROL: Okay, Mike.
- Yeah.
- Let's get this picnic started, huh? Why don't you lay out the gingham blanket.
I'm sorry, what? You're on a friggin' picnic, Mike! God, it's like he's never had sex before.
Okay, I-I-I guess I'm opening up the picnic basket? Yes, Mike.
- Mm-hmm.
- Very good.
What did you bring? Uh, uh potato salad.
No, 'cause you know - I have a bad po-tah-to allergy.
- Okay.
Got a fricking po-tah-to allergy, dude.
Okay, all right, fine, okay uh, coleslaw? - Yes! - Okay.
Mike, you brought coleslaw, but it's high 70s out, so we got to eat it fast.
Enough with the friggin' side dishes, Carol.
Get to the main course.
Well, I'm pretty hungry for some fried chicken.
Okay, all right, well, let me, uh, let me grab you some fried chicken N-n-n-no, watch that hand.
Ow, ow, ow! Okay, all right, what I'm not allowed to touch her? Only with your penis.
Okay, fine.
All right, um, I'm sorry, where were we? Oh, fried chicken.
- Fried chicken, fried chicken.
- Okay, fried chicken.
- Uh-oh, oh, no, Carol.
- Oh! I just knocked over the baked beans.
No, you did not! (muttering): Oh, my God.
You know I love my baked beans.
CAROL: Now we got to clean them all up with our mouths.
They're really invested in this picnic theme.
Would you like some iced tea, Mike? MIKE: Ooh, that sounds good.
I don't know that I like living here anymore.
Oh, yes, this picnic is so good.
I'm starting to see some ants.
Oh, I-I-I see them, too.
They're heading right towards us.
They are on the blanket! - Carol - Oh, God.
They're on the watermelon, and they're climbing up onto the coleslaw.
- Oh, there's so many ants! - Carol! - Oh, the ants are all over this picnic.
- Carol Oh, no - Carol, Carol! - so many ants.
- Carol, Carol, look at me.
- Oh, oh, no! They are gonna ruin the coleslaw! Carol, I love you! I love you, Carol.
I love you, too, Tandy.
You're gonna do this now? Oh, come no, please.
Please, please, please stop.
Guys okay, guys, picnic's canceled.
TANDY: I love you, too.
I-I don't really care right now.
How was the picnic last night? Well, it was a very was a very crowded park, and we had a pretty serious looky-loo situation as well.
Yeah, and Mike's impotent, so that's kind of a bummer.
- (chuckles) - Yeah, Phil, I'm not impotent.
Mike, I was there.
I saw it, okay.
Or rather, didn't see it.
Wink, wink.
(laughs) No, it's fine, no judgments.
Wink, wink.
(laughs) Phil, having another person yell, "I love you," to the person you're having sex with is kind of a buzz kill.
Agree to disagree.
Uh, but, yeah, as he said, uh, I finally did declare my love for Carol, and it was, uh, quite well-received.
What, you hadn't done that before? Melissa, you know me, I'm kind of a perfect moment guy.
Morning, everybody.
Todd, made a little, uh, change there, I see.
Uh, yeah, I did.
Why, was I supposed to ask permission? Of course not, no.
Yeah, 'cause I'm free to do what I want, when I want.
I don't have to answer to anybody, except for Gail and Melissa.
Damn right.
Yeah.
Look, bud, I'm sensing a little hostility here.
Uh, what do you say we go out and take a little tandem jet ski ride and talk it out? Yeah, I'm afraid I'm a little booked up today.
Why don't you ask Mike? Well, I have a date with a friend from Bordeaux.
MELISSA: Gail, it's a little early for wine.
Hi, Gail.
Bye, Gail.
Good morning.
(smooches) Hey, I'm ovulating, so we should probably get to it, Mike.
Tandy, you want to get your grabber stick? - Yeah.
- Uh, Carol, give me that.
Okay.
You took this test just now? Yeah, it's still got pee on it, so you might not want to hold it over your cereal.
Carol, this isn't an ovulation test.
This is a pregnancy test.
Oh, gosh, they look the same.
Let me get an ovulation test.
No.
Carol.
You're pregnant.
I'm pregnant? (shouts) I'm pregnant! (squeals) (laughter) Yay! (shouts) ERICA: Congratulations! Mike, you're not impotent, bud.
Yeah, I know that.
I think you're missing the point.
That can't be my baby, anyway.
It has to be your baby.
No, nothing happened last night.
It's too soon, anyway.
What, so what are you saying? Buddy, that baby's yours.
- What? - Yeah.
I did it.
Sure did.
I did it! (laughs) Congratulations!