The Real O'Neals (2016) s02e16 Episode Script

1 Kenny, your laundry's done.
We ran out of all of your organic starch, so you're just gonna have to rough it.
Aah! Hello.
Allison.
You scared the crap out of me.
I almost hit you.
It's okay.
I have cat-like reflexes.
Seriously, my doctor told me it's a rare condition.
Kenneth, I can't handle anything else coming out of your closet.
Would you like to explain what your lesbian friend is doing pulling a "Stranger Things" in your bedroom? I'm sorry.
I didn't tell you at first, 'cause I know she's not your favorite, but her parents are splitting up and things have been kind of rough at home.
Oh, that's a shame.
Maybe you could talk to her parents about divorce.
You're kind of nailing it.
Oh, no.
I don't tell other people how to parent.
I didn't listen when those nosy women told me not to let Jimmy eat Styrofoam peanuts, and he turned out just fine.
Really? Mm-hmm.
- Jimmy! - What's up, bro? Did you get into any of the 15 colleges you applied to? Not a one.
I'm still not talking to her parents.
Fine.
But can she stay here, through? She's all alone.
All right, fine.
She can stay here temporarily.
And she has to stop startling me.
- Deal.
- Oh, God!! We'll figure it out, Eileen.
Hey, man.
So, why the surprise visit? Well, I need to ask you something.
I'm coming up on a pretty big milestone.
This week is the one-year kiss-a-versary for me and Eileen.
All right.
I hadn't realized it had been a year already, or that a kiss-a-versary was a thing.
Well, it has, and it isn't.
Okay, keep it together, Clive.
Where are you going with this, man? I would like to ask permission for your ex-wife's hand in marriage.
Just say yes or punch me, but no name-calling.
Those bruises don't heal.
What? Are you kidding me?! Of course, buddy! [Laughs.]
Of course you have my blessing! Whoo-hoo! Oh, man! That is an ass-ton of relief.
Oh, here Let me show you the ring.
Yeah.
It's the same I gave to my ex-wife that she later threw at me from her Jetta.
What do you think? Wow.
I think you're lucky she didn't hit you with the Jetta.
She tried.
And also, I mean, it's got bad vibes from your ex.
You want to give Eileen something that isn't tainted with failure.
Mother has my great-grandmother's ring.
It's gorgeous.
Only problem is, Mother will never let me have it.
She even hides the Bed Bath & Beyond 20% coupons from me because she thinks I'll ruin them.
Clive, we're going to your mom's and we're getting that ring.
Great.
Let's also steal the coupons.
I've got my eye on a duvet that's just 20% too expensive.
Shannon! Look what I found.
A positive pregnancy test? Where did you find that? It was in the downstairs bathroom in the trash can.
It was stuffed in the bottom of bag of old fries.
Jimmy, I thought we were done eating trash fries.
You were done.
I never agreed to that, and I never will.
Well, it certainly isn't mine, and Allison is a lesbian and clearly a virgin, so - It's Mom's! - It's Mom's! - Oh, God! It has Mom's pee on it! - Ew, pregnant pee! Ahh! God! Well, Mom is obviously not ready to share the news yet, so we better keep this to ourselves.
You're right.
Right.
She'll tell us when she's ready.
Right.
And please tell me you stopped eating the fries once you found the pee stick.
I don't want to lie to you, Shannon.
Now, when Mother gets back with the cookies, I'll make an excuse to leave, and you keep her busy in here.
Clive, I literally just finished telling you that was the plan.
- I know.
I'm just so excited.
- Calm down.
Here we are.
Victoria, I can't tell you what a pleasure it is to finally meet the mother of my best friend.
But I have to tell you, you look more like his sister.
Oh, you flatter me.
My secret is I never smile.
I just look amused, and I have a deep understanding of the female orgasm.
Ahh.
Well, as the Chippewa say, I have to go take a tea-pee.
[Sighs.]
He has the same constitution as his father Weak and needy.
And yet you are so strong and independent.
You have no idea.
I was a Rockette, you know.
- Oh! - Mm-hmm.
Well, Clive has told me many fascinating things about you, but he never mentioned Wow! Oh, look at those high kicks.
That's a flexibility you have to be born with.
I'm not sure if Clive told you, but, um, my lover Gary and I have parted ways.
He did not share that with me.
That is That's good information to have.
Shame to let all that flexibility go to waste.
Well, all done.
Pat, we should probably get going.
Why don't you go on ahead, Clive.
I-I'll catch up.
Mother.
This one is mine.
And, Pat, we have plans.
Mm-hmm.
You'll be back.
Probably.
If you're my friend, you won't go past third base with her.
But I think it was all worth it for this ring.
Oh, yeah.
Voilà.
[Chuckles.]
Clive! It's the Murray family crest.
What are you from, a family of tacky sorcerers? No! Here.
Clive, you have to buy Eileen a new ring.
Don't you have like three months' salary saved up? Three months? Try three years.
I get all of my clothes from the school's lost and found.
Hey, you have the same electric toothbrush I do.
No.
But I should get one.
It also cleans sneakers.
Well, consider it a welcome gift.
Thanks.
Why is your fish in my bathtub? Are you cleaning its tank? No.
I'm giving Catfish Everdeen a bath.
Isn't her whole life a bath? You just blew my mind.
Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed.
Oh, actually, the air mattress was for You know what? Never mind.
Oh, hey, did you get a chance to read that pamphlet I left out for you about being a child of divorce? I couldn't get all the way through it.
It's a pamphlet.
I know.
Well, hopefully your parents can figure out a civil way to resolve their issues.
You know, our family is actually closer - [Snoring.]
- Allison? [Air hisses, squeaks.]
I really hope that was the air mattress.
Ow! What are you doing? I am making things safe for little VP Jimmy.
This house is a death trap.
Like this Look at this dangerous pill.
You know, is it medicine, is it candy? There's only one way to find out.
No, Jimmy It was a bug.
Okay.
Well, you do realize you're about a year and a half too early for baby-proofing, right? It's never too early to drown in the toilet.
[Sighs.]
Jimmy, 100 outlet covers? What's this? He got into college.
Oh! God! I snoop.
Also, your dad took out a second mortgage on the house.
Bye.
Hey, Jimmy, you hear from any of the colleges you applied to yet? Nope.
Swing and a miss on all of 'em.
Good thing college didn't agree, because somebody's got to stay here and protect the baby.
Oh, wow.
This is good.
This is gonna be hard for the baby, you know, 'cause 'cause they don't have thumbs yet.
Okay, I'm trapped.
Shannon! Mom! Got it.
Thank you.
- [Snoring.]
- Kenny.
Eileen: Kenny! I'm awake! Where am I? You're in the kitchen, drooling on a loaf of bread.
We need to talk about Allison.
She ate two boxes of waffles.
8 waffles each That's 16 waffles.
And the toaster's cold.
She ate them frozen.
I keep going out of my way to give her advice, but she refuses to listen to it, and she wore my meditation kimono.
Is this her retainer in my coffee mug? She has some boundary issues when it comes to oral hygiene.
Kenny, I know she's your friend and she means a lot to you, but - girl's got to go.
- Girl's got to go.
[Sizzling.]
What are you doing? Crisping my waffle.
With my curling iron? I didn't know how to use your stupid toaster.
And I bet this how they do it on "Orange is the New Black.
" Okay, Allison, we need to talk.
Great.
Your mom keeps the house way too hot.
Actually, it's about you staying here.
And it's not that I don't enjoy you or Catfish Everdeen.
- It's just - Oh, you don't have to worry about it.
I talked to my parents last night, and they worked things out.
I was gonna tell you after I finished this waffle.
Perfect! [Clears throat.]
I mean that's so cool.
Love wins.
Aunt Jodi.
Hey, sweetheart! What are you doing here? I need to ask you something about Jimmy.
Your mom let him eat those Styrofoam peanuts when he was a kid.
I think that's the reason for everything.
Not this.
He got into college.
He did? Yay! But he's not telling anyone, and I can't figure out why.
Well, people have their reasons for keeping things to themselves.
Not Jimmy.
Remember he showed us his first armpit hair.
Oh.
Chris.
I'm just worried that something's wrong.
And you're so good at getting people to open up.
It's true.
Something about the way that I touch people's hair.
Sherry just told me that she's making her kids sick on purpose.
[Doorbell chimes.]
Hi! Can I help you find something? Uh, we need an engagement ring.
Oh! When's the date? Ah, well, we haven't set one yet.
Yeah, he has to get a "yes" first.
Oh, well, you better snap him up, because I can think of about 15 things I'd like to do to him.
Wow.
Everyone is hitting on you today.
Yeah.
Well, I love flirting with you gays.
I can say the most outrageous things because I know nothing is ever gonna happen.
Like, um, "Let's go into the stock room and just [bleep.]
each other.
" We are actually straight.
Oh! My bad.
Well, gentlemen, I have a wonderful princess cut right here.
This is beautiful.
Yes.
Gorgeous.
Oh, man! And look how your delicate fingers really show it off.
There's no way she says "no" to that ring.
Yes.
She's going to love it.
[Chuckles.]
Huh.
This is so great! It is so exciting.
I mean, there's so much to plan.
Not just the wedding, but we also have to find you a great place to live.
I hadn't really thought about that.
Know what? Maybe I could talk to Marco about you taking over my lease at the Hazelwood.
What? No.
I don't want to live there.
That place is the worst.
Uh, okay.
Don't yuck my yum.
That is my home, and those are my friends.
Obviously you have not been to The 'Wood on "make your own pizza" night.
We make our own pizzas.
At night.
Clive, why would I want to live with a bunch of sad, divorced men? Well, maybe they don't want to live in a garage.
Well, if you want me to live where you've lived before, why don't I just go move in with your mother? You wouldn't! Oh, I don't know what I'd do.
I'm feeling very unhinged right now.
In fact, suddenly I don't feel like ring shopping with you anymore.
Lovers' quarrel? There is so much stress leading up to the big day.
You said it, sister.
So, we're getting a new electric toothbrush Waffles.
- And hair gel for you.
- Yeah.
- I hope Allison's doing okay.
- Yeah.
You know, I'm really gonna miss having her around.
Me, too.
[Both laugh.]
I thought you were serious.
I thought you were serious.
I love her, but she's just a lot to take.
And that creepy fish It watched me when I went to the bathroom.
I got weird vibes from that fish, too.
[Air squeaks.]
What was that? It was us.
Do you think she heard us? Yes.
I heard you.
Allison.
What are you doing in our minivan? I thought everything with your parents worked out.
I lied to you about that.
My parents' relationship was never in trouble.
In fact, they're stronger than ever because they have a common enemy.
Is it your pervert fish? No.
It's me.
They found out I'm gay, and they kicked me out.
Oh, my God.
Did you come out to them? No.
But they read my Jennifer Lawrence blog.
And they saw me kissing my girlfriend.
Kind of hard to walk that one back.
Why didn't you tell me? I didn't want you to feel bad.
They blame you.
They think I became gay when I joined your LGBT club.
That doesn't make any sense.
That is ridiculous.
Mom, we have to talk to Allison's parents.
Oh, no.
I don't get involved with other people's business.
Mom, you're the perfect person to talk to them.
No.
I'm sorry, Allison, but this family business, your family's business.
That's okay.
I can live in your van.
After all, Jewel did it for years.
And how's that working out for her? When was the last time you heard from Jewel? - She - Christmas albums don't count.
Oh.
Jimmy: Thanks for texting me about wanting to give me a free haircut.
- How'd you know I needed it? - Hairdresser's intuition.
Plus we never get one-on-one time.
Anything new with you? No.
Same old, same old.
Oh, my God! I got into ASU, but I hid the letter because I don't want to go, and I accidentally killed Allison's fish - and replaced it with another one.
- I knew it! I'm sorry! I hugged it too hard! No, not that.
Why don't you want to go to college? Yeah, you've been working so hard to get in.
'Cause I don't think I'm ready to leave you guys yet.
I mean, that's what I wrote my essay about that got me in, but they're too dumb to even understand that, which makes me think that ASU really is just a party school.
Jimmy, you have to go.
No, I do not.
Anyway, now that mom's having a baby, we can't afford college.
- What? - Jimmy! I can't help it.
Her hands are magic.
Your mom's having a baby? Yes.
But nobody else knows.
We found the pregnancy test in a bag of trash fries, which also tested positive for flavor.
[Sighs.]
This seat taken? No, but it's sticky.
I deserve it.
Oh! You weren't kidding.
I am planted.
Look, buddy, if we're moving too fast, I can pump the brakes.
I think I just got so excited to get your blessing, I didn't think it through.
But now I get it.
I'm not just marrying Eileen.
I'm marrying all of you.
I understand if you don't want me living in the back yard.
Are you kidding me? Of course I want you there.
I just assumed you'd want to go somewhere else 'cause that's the normal thing to do.
But nothing about this is normal, yet somehow we make it work.
So, you're okay if I stay in the tiny house? Absolutely.
I would be ecstatic.
I can't be the man I want to be without this guy right outside my back door.
Ladies, I beg you, live your lives! You know? Uh, so this is a pamphlet explaining that being gay is not a choice, and here's one that will maybe help the two of you understand what Allison is going through.
Uh, now this pamphlet is for a sale at the J.
Crew outlet, uh, which could be yours for the small price of accepting your daughter.
Kenny, we don't need your pamphlets.
We have a plan that will bring Allison home.
You do? Okay.
That's That's great.
She must agree to see our church's counselor once a week to fix her problem.
See, I told you they wouldn't listen.
Yeah, that's the thing Um, she doesn't have a problem.
It's just who she is, and she is amazing.
Trust me.
Kenny, why should we trust a boy who lured her into his deviant club? My club is not deviant.
We do community outreach.
Chess Club got kicked out of the Ramada Inn.
You're a bad influence, and this conversation is over.
Excuse me.
[Clears throat.]
I'm sorry to interrupt.
I'm Eileen, Kenny's mother.
I never want to interfere, but I just couldn't sit here, and I'm I'm done with my pie.
But your plan isn't going to work because there's nothing to fix.
Believe me, I've tried.
You can quote the Bible, and you can throw away their playbill from "A Chorus Line," but nothing you do is gonna make them not gay.
I knew I didn't lose that playbill.
We're not gonna put aside our beliefs and let her ruin her life.
It's time for tough love.
Oh.
Oh, well Kicking your kid out of the house isn't love.
And the only one it's gonna be tough on is you because you won't have a relationship with your daughter.
So, maybe just take a second look at those beliefs.
Allison will stay with us until, you know, you fix your problem.
Okay.
That's our pie.
Yes, but she eats an enormous amount.
I think it's only fair.
Come on, honey.
Let's go.
Okay, here we are.
Oh, good.
You guys are here.
Trash fries are still fries.
Everybody, family meeting in the living room, please.
Everybody in the living room.
Go ahead.
- What's going on? - Hang on.
Don't worry about it.
Just have a seat.
Well, not all of our family is here yet.
Okay.
Clive has something he would like to say.
O'Neals.
And Allison, who's here for some reason.
Um, after living under Mother's thumb for so long, being with all of you has felt like joining the circus.
Shannon, you're the ringmaster.
Jimmy, you're the clown.
Pat, you're the lion and the lion tamer.
Jodi, you're tickets and promotions.
And, Kenny, of course you are the bearded lady.
That is offensive, but, honestly, just glad not to be tickets and promotions.
And, Eileen, you are the incredible acrobat.
Elegant and strong, yet flexible.
Hey, now.
In the way that you are able to adapt to new circumstances gracefully and without fear of failing.
Uh, so, just indulge me this circus metaphor a moment longer to say that I would like to run away with all of you forever.
So [Gasps.]
Eileen O'Neal, and family Oh, my God.
will you marry me? Oh, Clive, it's beautiful.
I tried it on myself.
It was a little loose on my dainty fingers, so it should fit you just fine.
That was the loveliest proposal.
But no thank you.
Pat: Wait, what? Eileen, that was perfect.
He just hit it out of the park.
He did, but I don't want to get married again.
At least not right now.
For so long I've been worried about doing the right thing and what other people think.
I've lived by those rules and look where it's gotten me.
No offense, Pat.
Ah, that's okay.
I live in your garage.
I get it.
Well, it's a tiny house.
I love you, but I'm on a new adventure now, and it's not one I've chosen, but I want to see where it takes me.
I hope you understand.
You kidding me? You just told me you loved me for the first time.
I can live off of that for years.
Also, um, I don't think I'm ready to leave the Hazelwood.
They just installed the pickleball court.
Listen, I still consider this proposal a success, okay? And there's no reason to waste champagne.
I would love a drink.
No! Mom, you can't drink.
Why? 'Cause you're pregnant.
What? I am not.
I'm just a little full from all that pie.
Geez.
What? [Scoffs.]
So, wait.
Then who is? Jimmy, why does somebody have to be pregnant? Fine.
It's me.
I'm pregnant.
- [Gasps.]
- What? What? - Uncle Dwayne? - Yes.
It happened when you locked us in your room and you played The Cranberries.
Who were responsible for many unplanned pregnancies in 90s.
Wow! Well, I am super happy for you.
But I need a new bed.
Wait, so you're knocked up? Then how is she gonna take care of tickets and promotions? Oh, Jimmy.
Yeah! Kenny: A lot can happen to a family in one year.
People can get divorced but still grow closer, they can find what makes them happy, even if it's weird, they can find joy in completely unexpected moments, and they can stand up for what they believe in, even if its scary.
Kenny: "From the outside, you might think all these changes would make me want to go to college as far away from home as possible, where I can do keg stands and paint my belly at football games.
But it actually makes me want to stay close to home and paint 'O'Neal' on my belly, because we've become my favorite team.
" Jimmy, this is a really good essay.
Thanks.
It's all right.
You're gonna go, aren't you? I don't know.
It's expensive.
And, plus, it's it's far from here.
I don't know if I'm done with you all yet, so Well, go.
Or stay.
I don't care.
You care.
You care, bitch.
Well, um, Kenny, can you do me a favor? Hold her down, 'cause I'm gonna hug her.
- No.
- Yes.
No, you're not.
- Oh, it's coming.
- No! It's happening.
It's happening! Come here! Come here! Yeah! Peanut brother sandwich! Both: Peanut brother sandwich! Peanut brother sandwich!