The War at Home s02e16 Episode Script
No Weddings and a Funeral
- Hey.
- Hey! Mm! Something smells good! A little too good! What the hell is going on in here? My Mom and her boyfriend said theyre coming over for dinner.
Oh, there goes my appetite.
You know, the two of them are always all over each other, you know, people of that age shouldnt have public displays of affection.
In fact, people of that age shouldnt have private displays of affection.
Why not? Theyre in love! Whats wrong with showing it? The Hey, whats with all the primping? - Im hanging out with Dylan.
- Ooh, is that you little boyfriend? Not yet, but fingers crossed! Yeah, the little birdies twitter around your head when he makes goo-goo eyes at you? Pff, no! Dad, why do you have to embarrass Kenny like that? Cause I like to treat him like I would treat any of you kids, Miss pimple-in-between-your-eyebrows.
Thats him! Do I look okay? Is this shirt too tight? Is it tight enough? Maybe I should change it into something tighter? Or less tight? Maybe I should just forget the whole thing! - Kenny, Kenny, you look great! - Yeah, come on, have a little confidence, alright? Havent you ever heard of Gay Pride? Hi! Dylan ! What are you doing here, I broke up with you, like, a year and a half ago! What are you, a glutton for punishment? Actually, Im here to see Kenny.
Kenny?! Wait, wait, my Dylan is now your Dylan? Oh no, Hillary! Youre the gay-maker! The last stop on the train to Gayville! Just sprinkle on a little Hillary and hello! Gosh, Mom, that necklace is gorgeous! That was a present from Sid.
And he bought it for me just for being me! The stones may sparkle, but not as much as Betty does! Vicky, that brisket was delicious! And I know brisket! I was the second largest kosher meat distributor in the tri-state area and I was my own best customer! I love meat! But not as much as I love Betty! Now if youll excuse me, I have to go picture my parents having sex, just to get that horrible image out of my head.
We have a little announcement to make.
Were getting married.
Wow! Congratulations! Its wonderful, Im so happy for you! Thank you! Wait a minute, Grandma, you dont have to get married, do you? Mike, every day you become more and more like your father.
Stop it! - So, Mom, whens the wedding? - Its two weeks from today.
- And we want you all to be there! - Well of course were all gonna be there! Yeah, I cant think of any reason why we wouldnt! But two weeks should be enough time for me to come up with something.
- So, Mom, give me all the details.
- Its all very casual.
Were having it in St.
Martin at the Royal Ocean hotel! Oh, Vicky, its to die for! Whoa, a trip to St.
Moron to watch you guys get married? That sounds that sounds a little expensive.
Yeah, but Betty wont be happy if youre not all there.
Sure she will.
And were really not that close a family.
Well, I wish I had known that before I spent all this money to treat everyone to an all-expenses-paid trip to the tropical paradise of St.
Martin! Daddy! Doesnt my Mom seem happy? I mean, really happy.
That was a post-botox smile.
Vicky, look at this hotel, theres a swimmer bar at the pool, that means I could drink as much as I want and I wont even have to worry about getting out to find a place to pee! Its so great that she found love and romance at this time in her life.
I mean, its inspirational! Hey, you know what? We should do something romantic! I totally agree.
You know what, give me 10 minutes to use the can, and Ill meet you upstairs.
Wow, youre going to the bathroom first? I feel like Im in a romance novel.
Come on, Dave! What do you want me to do? I want you to think of something romantic for us to do together! I had the best time tonight with Dylan! He spells his name with a y.
Why? Because hes cute! - Good night.
- Good night, Kenny.
- So, is Dylan his boyfriend? - Fingers crossed! Well, now that he has a boyfriend, and hes gonna be home alone while were away, I think you need to talk to him about safe sex.
Oh, what, are you kidding me? No! We dont know what he knows and doesnt know about sex! And Id like to keep it that way! And Id like to keep him from getting AIDS! Alright, alright, alright, fine, fine, Ill go have a talk with him about the birds and the birds.
So, uh youre youre reading a comic book, huh? Yeah.
Yeah, well, you know how those things come wrapped in plastic to protect them? Um, yeah.
Well, thats always a good idea in general, you know, its good to keep things wrapped up to protect them, you know what Im saying? Please tell me this is about me leaving the ham out on the counter? Oh my God, are you trying to talk to me about safe sex? Yeah, but, uh, theres nothing to feel weird about.
This is the most uncomfortable moment of my entire life! Okay, now, look, I looked up some stuff online, and it turns out that theres safe, safer, and safest sex.
The safest sex would be you calling up Dylan and saying I hate you, Im moving to Russia, and dont ever contact me again.
Okay, I understand, are we done now? Unfortunately not.
Now listen to me, when two guys, uh, you know, together, and they decide they, uh Oh, how did it come to this? How did that wind up in a conversation about the intricacies of gay sex? That makes sense? Yeah yeah, I really dont think we need to talk about this anymore.
I think I got it.
No, no, you think you got it? Come on, thats not good enough, Kenny, alright? This isnt like regular sex when theres some girl there to say no to everything.
You two guys, okay, and lets face it, I mean, guys are animals, and what happens when you get two animals together? Huh? They attack each other! Right? So before you go out there and you get attacked, you need to learn all the facts, alright? Now, listen to me.
When it comes to bondage and, according to my research, it will come to bondage Honey, you know what? I came up with a really great romantic idea for us.
We will renew our wedding vows! We get this small banquet room at the Hunnington Inn and do a lunch or a brunch and we have all of our friends over, we get really dressed up, we take lots of pictures, wouldnt that be great? Eh! Eh? Please! Tell me youre saying eh because you want the big banquet room! Come on, come on, baby, why would I want to spend all that money on something I already own? Im just kidding, Im just kidding you, my love, but seriously, why do we go through all that trouble? Alright, I get your point, I mean, - who needs all those other people? - Yeah! - Its just about us! - You and me! I know! While were in St.
Martin this weekend, we could just stroll down to the beach, just the two of us, holding hands in twilight and pledging our undying love to each other? Eh! Anybody want another cigar? I thought you said you cant smoke! No, I cant eat steak.
Oh, Im sorry, it should be a lot easier for you if you had a little nots pin to use.
So, not the playing cards and bragging about the size of our funeral plots, isnt she a joy, but isnt it time this bachelor party got cooked? Whens the stripper getting here? Albert, she got here an hour ago, she finished already! What? Damn this medication Im on! My short-term memorys in the toilet! Did I enjoy it? - Well, yeah, actually, you were drooling a lot.
- Really? Oh, wait! The other medication Im on causes that! Thanks, sweetie, and God bless you for giving me a senior citizens discount! Hey! Guess what, fellas! Im not a virgin anymore! Hey, Sid! Are there any leftovers for me, huh? I could sign over my social security check! Sid, Sid, what were you doing in there? I know youre about to become my son, Dave, but dont you think youre a little old for that talk? Sid, youre getting married, I mean, even Albert knows it, and he cant remember his last name! I aint married yet! When I am, Im a one woman guy! Tonight Im a wild man! Now, if youll excuse me, Im gonna go home.
Im exhausted.
Oh, man I cant let Betty marry this guy! I gotta tell her about this, but if I do, there goes my dream trip to the Carribean but do I really have a choice? Eh! Dont mind if I do! I guess I really did have a choice! This blows! I cant believe I have to fly courtful while you guys are up here in the first class! Oh, you know, Sid booked the tickets, okay, I mean, hes old, you know, he didnt know how many grandchildren there are.
Hey, is it my fault if you dont make an impression on people? This isnt fair, its crowded and smelly back there! Aw, well, you know, things arent rosy up here, either.
You know, I ordered the flame mignon, but they were out, so now Ill have to get some lobster tail.
- So, were you born in New-York? - I dont wanna have sex with you! - What? - Im a virgin! Slow down, will ya? I dont Ive never been with another guy in a house all alone before, okay? - Kenny, just relax! - Hey, Im bad at being gay, I think Im allowed to be a little upset! Ive never been in this situation either, okay, this is all new to me, too! Really? Trust me.
All of it is new to me.
So, you dont want to start having crazy sex right this second? Um, no.
Not really.
Is this a great date or what? Yeah, I just cant get over the fact that I was the last girl that Dylan went out with! Well, its not like you turn everyone you go out with gay, its just been a few.
A few? Who else? Well, this Paul.
Paul? Pauls gay now? Paul? I thought you knew Pauls actually into girls, Im just torturing her.
Take me, if youre afraid of flying, youve got to find ways to distract yourself.
Ow, what was that for? Look at them, how sweet hes being to her! I cant even get you to say I love you on the beach! Why cant you be more like Sid? Please, maybe Sid isnt the sweet perfect guy that she thinks he is, okay? - What is that supposed to mean? - Nothing, okay? Nothing.
Lets just forget it.
You know what? I think youre just jealous cause Sid makes you look bad.
- Is that what you think? - Yeah.
- Yeah, you want me to be more like Sid? - Yes.
- You want me to be more like Sid? - Yes, I do.
Okay, how about I go find that stewardess and I give it to her right on top of the beverage cart? - How about that, huh? - What? Yeah, because thats what your step-daddy-to-be did.
Okay? He did it with the stripper at his bachelor party, okay? - No, he didnt.
- Yes, he did.
- Thats not true.
Vicky! Yes, he did, okay? Yes, he did.
What? Dave, that is horrible! My Moms gonna marry that man! Wait a minute, why did you wait until just now to tell me this? Because I wanted to go to St.
Martin.
Whats more important, my mothers happiness or a free trip to the Carribean? Vicky, I know what answer youre hoping to hear, but we both know which ones gonna come out of my mouth.
- So, what do you feel like doing? - How about a movie? I ran into Funny girl and All about Eve.
Hmm.
Those sound kind of gay.
Yeah, they do, dont they? - I like Lord of the Rings.
- I love Lord of the Rings! They have the best battle sequences ever filmed! Oh my God, thats exactly what Larry said! I think Viggo Morgencen was born to play the part of Aragorn.
Larry says that too! Oh, yeah? Well, does Larry say that you have the most soulful eyes hes ever seen? Hey, Sid! How are you? Listen, I got the most unbelievable wedding present for you! Really? You dont have to do that, Dave! But tell me what it is, Im very excited! Okay, here it is.
My wedding present to you is an honest and loving relationship with Betty! But I already have an honest and loving relationship with Betty! Do you, Sid? Do you, really? Because I think that little thing that you did at your bachelor party with that stripper is eating away you as we speak.
No, no, Im fine.
I gloved up.
You know, Sid, you feel guilty, okay? You feel really guilty, okay, so just tell Betty what you did, and after that youre gonna feel fantastic! Believe me, I know, because after I told Vicky, I felt terrific.
You told Vicky? Why would you do that to me, Dave? Well, you know, she kept going on and on about how romantic you are, and frankly, I couldnt compete with you on your level, so I had to tear you down to mine.
Dave, why would I upset Betty like that, she doesnt need to know! Im old school.
I thought you were too! Yeah, well, apparently, we must have gone to different old schools, because in my old school you dont cheat on your own lady.
Well, thats a high faluting attitude coming from man who just last night had is face between two big melons going sky Alright, well, first of all, I was looking for my keys! Alright? And I didnt have sex with anyone, look, just tell her what happened, alright? Because if you dont, Sid, Im telling you, you are not gonna be able to live with yourself! Yes, I will.
No, you wont.
Okay? Larry, what the hell are you doing up here? Its awful back there! Larry, another word out of you, okay, and next time this family goes on a trip, Im gonna leave you in a kennel.
Betty! Hey, listen, Sids got something really, really important to tell you.
Sid, go ahead, tell Betty! Come on, Sid, go ahead, tell her.
Sid? Sid? Sid?! You see? I was right! Poor bastard couldnt live with the guilt! I just cant believe hes gone! You know the last thing I said to him? - You dont look so good? - No.
As soon as we get to the hotel, Im trimming your nose hair! Sure, Sid knew how much you loved him.
I know, but you can never say it enough, Vicky.
And now hes gone, I can never say it again.
I cant believe Daves gone! Do you know the last thing he said to me before he died? Eh! Is there anyone else who would like to say something about Sid? - I would.
- You would? Yeah, I would.
Uh, Sid taught me something before he died.
Youre never too old to have sex with a stripper.
Youre never too old to fall in love.
Or too young.
You know, Sid he was appreciative of his life.
He loved his friends, he loved traveling, he loved meat.
But he didnt love those things a tenth of as much as he loved Betty.
And he wasnt afraid to express it.
This isnt easy for me cause its not my style, but, uh, I wanted to say it for all you people, to my wife Vicky, that I love you.
More than youll ever know.
And I want you to know that I know that Im lucky to be able to love you.
And, uh, thats it, so I want to invite everybody back to my house to enjoy some cornbeaf and some brisket, alright, because Sid would want it that way.
Thank you, everyone, and directions to Dave and Vickys are available in the back.
Now that was a romantic gesture.
That means we dont have to do this, uh, you know, silly renewing the vows thing? Dave, I know the answer youre hoping for, but I think we both know which ones coming out of my mouth.
My, you know what, but if we do that, Im gonna do this Stop it! Well, I didnt know Sid very long, and I certainly didnt get a chance to talk to him much on the plane I still fell like he was a part of the family, and Im sure hell be missed by all of us.
This is the worst bachelor party ever! Albert, this isnt Sids bachelor party, its his memorial.
Right! When does the stripper get here? - She was here already.
- Damn it! Did I enjoy it? Yeah, you had a great time, in fact, you had sex with her.
Wow, yeah, I still got it! We gonna play cards or not? And where the hell is Sid? That guy would be late to his own funeral!
- Hey! Mm! Something smells good! A little too good! What the hell is going on in here? My Mom and her boyfriend said theyre coming over for dinner.
Oh, there goes my appetite.
You know, the two of them are always all over each other, you know, people of that age shouldnt have public displays of affection.
In fact, people of that age shouldnt have private displays of affection.
Why not? Theyre in love! Whats wrong with showing it? The Hey, whats with all the primping? - Im hanging out with Dylan.
- Ooh, is that you little boyfriend? Not yet, but fingers crossed! Yeah, the little birdies twitter around your head when he makes goo-goo eyes at you? Pff, no! Dad, why do you have to embarrass Kenny like that? Cause I like to treat him like I would treat any of you kids, Miss pimple-in-between-your-eyebrows.
Thats him! Do I look okay? Is this shirt too tight? Is it tight enough? Maybe I should change it into something tighter? Or less tight? Maybe I should just forget the whole thing! - Kenny, Kenny, you look great! - Yeah, come on, have a little confidence, alright? Havent you ever heard of Gay Pride? Hi! Dylan ! What are you doing here, I broke up with you, like, a year and a half ago! What are you, a glutton for punishment? Actually, Im here to see Kenny.
Kenny?! Wait, wait, my Dylan is now your Dylan? Oh no, Hillary! Youre the gay-maker! The last stop on the train to Gayville! Just sprinkle on a little Hillary and hello! Gosh, Mom, that necklace is gorgeous! That was a present from Sid.
And he bought it for me just for being me! The stones may sparkle, but not as much as Betty does! Vicky, that brisket was delicious! And I know brisket! I was the second largest kosher meat distributor in the tri-state area and I was my own best customer! I love meat! But not as much as I love Betty! Now if youll excuse me, I have to go picture my parents having sex, just to get that horrible image out of my head.
We have a little announcement to make.
Were getting married.
Wow! Congratulations! Its wonderful, Im so happy for you! Thank you! Wait a minute, Grandma, you dont have to get married, do you? Mike, every day you become more and more like your father.
Stop it! - So, Mom, whens the wedding? - Its two weeks from today.
- And we want you all to be there! - Well of course were all gonna be there! Yeah, I cant think of any reason why we wouldnt! But two weeks should be enough time for me to come up with something.
- So, Mom, give me all the details.
- Its all very casual.
Were having it in St.
Martin at the Royal Ocean hotel! Oh, Vicky, its to die for! Whoa, a trip to St.
Moron to watch you guys get married? That sounds that sounds a little expensive.
Yeah, but Betty wont be happy if youre not all there.
Sure she will.
And were really not that close a family.
Well, I wish I had known that before I spent all this money to treat everyone to an all-expenses-paid trip to the tropical paradise of St.
Martin! Daddy! Doesnt my Mom seem happy? I mean, really happy.
That was a post-botox smile.
Vicky, look at this hotel, theres a swimmer bar at the pool, that means I could drink as much as I want and I wont even have to worry about getting out to find a place to pee! Its so great that she found love and romance at this time in her life.
I mean, its inspirational! Hey, you know what? We should do something romantic! I totally agree.
You know what, give me 10 minutes to use the can, and Ill meet you upstairs.
Wow, youre going to the bathroom first? I feel like Im in a romance novel.
Come on, Dave! What do you want me to do? I want you to think of something romantic for us to do together! I had the best time tonight with Dylan! He spells his name with a y.
Why? Because hes cute! - Good night.
- Good night, Kenny.
- So, is Dylan his boyfriend? - Fingers crossed! Well, now that he has a boyfriend, and hes gonna be home alone while were away, I think you need to talk to him about safe sex.
Oh, what, are you kidding me? No! We dont know what he knows and doesnt know about sex! And Id like to keep it that way! And Id like to keep him from getting AIDS! Alright, alright, alright, fine, fine, Ill go have a talk with him about the birds and the birds.
So, uh youre youre reading a comic book, huh? Yeah.
Yeah, well, you know how those things come wrapped in plastic to protect them? Um, yeah.
Well, thats always a good idea in general, you know, its good to keep things wrapped up to protect them, you know what Im saying? Please tell me this is about me leaving the ham out on the counter? Oh my God, are you trying to talk to me about safe sex? Yeah, but, uh, theres nothing to feel weird about.
This is the most uncomfortable moment of my entire life! Okay, now, look, I looked up some stuff online, and it turns out that theres safe, safer, and safest sex.
The safest sex would be you calling up Dylan and saying I hate you, Im moving to Russia, and dont ever contact me again.
Okay, I understand, are we done now? Unfortunately not.
Now listen to me, when two guys, uh, you know, together, and they decide they, uh Oh, how did it come to this? How did that wind up in a conversation about the intricacies of gay sex? That makes sense? Yeah yeah, I really dont think we need to talk about this anymore.
I think I got it.
No, no, you think you got it? Come on, thats not good enough, Kenny, alright? This isnt like regular sex when theres some girl there to say no to everything.
You two guys, okay, and lets face it, I mean, guys are animals, and what happens when you get two animals together? Huh? They attack each other! Right? So before you go out there and you get attacked, you need to learn all the facts, alright? Now, listen to me.
When it comes to bondage and, according to my research, it will come to bondage Honey, you know what? I came up with a really great romantic idea for us.
We will renew our wedding vows! We get this small banquet room at the Hunnington Inn and do a lunch or a brunch and we have all of our friends over, we get really dressed up, we take lots of pictures, wouldnt that be great? Eh! Eh? Please! Tell me youre saying eh because you want the big banquet room! Come on, come on, baby, why would I want to spend all that money on something I already own? Im just kidding, Im just kidding you, my love, but seriously, why do we go through all that trouble? Alright, I get your point, I mean, - who needs all those other people? - Yeah! - Its just about us! - You and me! I know! While were in St.
Martin this weekend, we could just stroll down to the beach, just the two of us, holding hands in twilight and pledging our undying love to each other? Eh! Anybody want another cigar? I thought you said you cant smoke! No, I cant eat steak.
Oh, Im sorry, it should be a lot easier for you if you had a little nots pin to use.
So, not the playing cards and bragging about the size of our funeral plots, isnt she a joy, but isnt it time this bachelor party got cooked? Whens the stripper getting here? Albert, she got here an hour ago, she finished already! What? Damn this medication Im on! My short-term memorys in the toilet! Did I enjoy it? - Well, yeah, actually, you were drooling a lot.
- Really? Oh, wait! The other medication Im on causes that! Thanks, sweetie, and God bless you for giving me a senior citizens discount! Hey! Guess what, fellas! Im not a virgin anymore! Hey, Sid! Are there any leftovers for me, huh? I could sign over my social security check! Sid, Sid, what were you doing in there? I know youre about to become my son, Dave, but dont you think youre a little old for that talk? Sid, youre getting married, I mean, even Albert knows it, and he cant remember his last name! I aint married yet! When I am, Im a one woman guy! Tonight Im a wild man! Now, if youll excuse me, Im gonna go home.
Im exhausted.
Oh, man I cant let Betty marry this guy! I gotta tell her about this, but if I do, there goes my dream trip to the Carribean but do I really have a choice? Eh! Dont mind if I do! I guess I really did have a choice! This blows! I cant believe I have to fly courtful while you guys are up here in the first class! Oh, you know, Sid booked the tickets, okay, I mean, hes old, you know, he didnt know how many grandchildren there are.
Hey, is it my fault if you dont make an impression on people? This isnt fair, its crowded and smelly back there! Aw, well, you know, things arent rosy up here, either.
You know, I ordered the flame mignon, but they were out, so now Ill have to get some lobster tail.
- So, were you born in New-York? - I dont wanna have sex with you! - What? - Im a virgin! Slow down, will ya? I dont Ive never been with another guy in a house all alone before, okay? - Kenny, just relax! - Hey, Im bad at being gay, I think Im allowed to be a little upset! Ive never been in this situation either, okay, this is all new to me, too! Really? Trust me.
All of it is new to me.
So, you dont want to start having crazy sex right this second? Um, no.
Not really.
Is this a great date or what? Yeah, I just cant get over the fact that I was the last girl that Dylan went out with! Well, its not like you turn everyone you go out with gay, its just been a few.
A few? Who else? Well, this Paul.
Paul? Pauls gay now? Paul? I thought you knew Pauls actually into girls, Im just torturing her.
Take me, if youre afraid of flying, youve got to find ways to distract yourself.
Ow, what was that for? Look at them, how sweet hes being to her! I cant even get you to say I love you on the beach! Why cant you be more like Sid? Please, maybe Sid isnt the sweet perfect guy that she thinks he is, okay? - What is that supposed to mean? - Nothing, okay? Nothing.
Lets just forget it.
You know what? I think youre just jealous cause Sid makes you look bad.
- Is that what you think? - Yeah.
- Yeah, you want me to be more like Sid? - Yes.
- You want me to be more like Sid? - Yes, I do.
Okay, how about I go find that stewardess and I give it to her right on top of the beverage cart? - How about that, huh? - What? Yeah, because thats what your step-daddy-to-be did.
Okay? He did it with the stripper at his bachelor party, okay? - No, he didnt.
- Yes, he did.
- Thats not true.
Vicky! Yes, he did, okay? Yes, he did.
What? Dave, that is horrible! My Moms gonna marry that man! Wait a minute, why did you wait until just now to tell me this? Because I wanted to go to St.
Martin.
Whats more important, my mothers happiness or a free trip to the Carribean? Vicky, I know what answer youre hoping to hear, but we both know which ones gonna come out of my mouth.
- So, what do you feel like doing? - How about a movie? I ran into Funny girl and All about Eve.
Hmm.
Those sound kind of gay.
Yeah, they do, dont they? - I like Lord of the Rings.
- I love Lord of the Rings! They have the best battle sequences ever filmed! Oh my God, thats exactly what Larry said! I think Viggo Morgencen was born to play the part of Aragorn.
Larry says that too! Oh, yeah? Well, does Larry say that you have the most soulful eyes hes ever seen? Hey, Sid! How are you? Listen, I got the most unbelievable wedding present for you! Really? You dont have to do that, Dave! But tell me what it is, Im very excited! Okay, here it is.
My wedding present to you is an honest and loving relationship with Betty! But I already have an honest and loving relationship with Betty! Do you, Sid? Do you, really? Because I think that little thing that you did at your bachelor party with that stripper is eating away you as we speak.
No, no, Im fine.
I gloved up.
You know, Sid, you feel guilty, okay? You feel really guilty, okay, so just tell Betty what you did, and after that youre gonna feel fantastic! Believe me, I know, because after I told Vicky, I felt terrific.
You told Vicky? Why would you do that to me, Dave? Well, you know, she kept going on and on about how romantic you are, and frankly, I couldnt compete with you on your level, so I had to tear you down to mine.
Dave, why would I upset Betty like that, she doesnt need to know! Im old school.
I thought you were too! Yeah, well, apparently, we must have gone to different old schools, because in my old school you dont cheat on your own lady.
Well, thats a high faluting attitude coming from man who just last night had is face between two big melons going sky Alright, well, first of all, I was looking for my keys! Alright? And I didnt have sex with anyone, look, just tell her what happened, alright? Because if you dont, Sid, Im telling you, you are not gonna be able to live with yourself! Yes, I will.
No, you wont.
Okay? Larry, what the hell are you doing up here? Its awful back there! Larry, another word out of you, okay, and next time this family goes on a trip, Im gonna leave you in a kennel.
Betty! Hey, listen, Sids got something really, really important to tell you.
Sid, go ahead, tell Betty! Come on, Sid, go ahead, tell her.
Sid? Sid? Sid?! You see? I was right! Poor bastard couldnt live with the guilt! I just cant believe hes gone! You know the last thing I said to him? - You dont look so good? - No.
As soon as we get to the hotel, Im trimming your nose hair! Sure, Sid knew how much you loved him.
I know, but you can never say it enough, Vicky.
And now hes gone, I can never say it again.
I cant believe Daves gone! Do you know the last thing he said to me before he died? Eh! Is there anyone else who would like to say something about Sid? - I would.
- You would? Yeah, I would.
Uh, Sid taught me something before he died.
Youre never too old to have sex with a stripper.
Youre never too old to fall in love.
Or too young.
You know, Sid he was appreciative of his life.
He loved his friends, he loved traveling, he loved meat.
But he didnt love those things a tenth of as much as he loved Betty.
And he wasnt afraid to express it.
This isnt easy for me cause its not my style, but, uh, I wanted to say it for all you people, to my wife Vicky, that I love you.
More than youll ever know.
And I want you to know that I know that Im lucky to be able to love you.
And, uh, thats it, so I want to invite everybody back to my house to enjoy some cornbeaf and some brisket, alright, because Sid would want it that way.
Thank you, everyone, and directions to Dave and Vickys are available in the back.
Now that was a romantic gesture.
That means we dont have to do this, uh, you know, silly renewing the vows thing? Dave, I know the answer youre hoping for, but I think we both know which ones coming out of my mouth.
My, you know what, but if we do that, Im gonna do this Stop it! Well, I didnt know Sid very long, and I certainly didnt get a chance to talk to him much on the plane I still fell like he was a part of the family, and Im sure hell be missed by all of us.
This is the worst bachelor party ever! Albert, this isnt Sids bachelor party, its his memorial.
Right! When does the stripper get here? - She was here already.
- Damn it! Did I enjoy it? Yeah, you had a great time, in fact, you had sex with her.
Wow, yeah, I still got it! We gonna play cards or not? And where the hell is Sid? That guy would be late to his own funeral!