United States of Al (2021) s02e16 Episode Script

Mm.
That omelet was delicious.
Feel like I'm at a bed and breakfast.
Mm.
Hope I get a good Yelp review.
My yelp was the review.
Hey, stop being dirty.
The kids are coming.
Good morning.
Morning, Lois.
Your dad was just making me breakfast.
Yeah, he was.
Calm down, we're all adults here.
Yeah, you are.
Hey, fellas.
Good morning.
Ah, Lois, I had a hunch, but this confirms that you are beautiful at all hours of the day.
Hey, I saw her first.
Yeah, you did.
Ah.
I got to run.
Here, I'll walk you out.
No, you stay here so your kids can make fun of you.
- Bye, everyone.
- Buh-bye.
Bye.
- Dad, you okay? - Shh.
Mr.
Art, what's wrong? Ah, my gout's flaring up again.
When did it start? In bed, at the worst possible moment.
I was making all the right sounds for the wrong reasons.
That was you? Thought there was a hurt animal outside.
I-I'm sorry, w-what is gout? It's like a kind of arthritis you get from having a bad diet.
Oh, we call it nikres.
That is very serious.
Eh, it's fine, comes and goes.
Why you hiding it from Lois? It's embarrassing.
Makes me look like an old man.
Oh, you're afraid she's gonna figure it out? What'd you have for dinner last night? - That's none of your damn business.
- Dad.
It was an Outback Steakhouse.
If you order a salad, they take you out back.
- This is worse than it's ever been.
- I know.
He needs to go to a doctor.
- You should tell him.
- You should tell him.
Both of you are afraid to talk to your own father? Afraid? No.
Going to? Also no.
Hey, what you doing over there? Trying to start a union? Lizzie has something she wants to tell you.
Dad, we're all concerned about you, and we think maybe you should go to a doctor.
Doctor? What's a doctor gonna say? I don't know.
I'm not a doctor.
Although, it's never too late.
See, that's the problem with you kids.
Every time you get a little paper cut, you call an ambulance.
- But you're clearly in pain.
- So? My uncle accidentally shot my father hunting.
Did he complain? No.
He just shot my uncle right back.
Did my uncle complain? No.
Those were men.
Mr.
Art, at least do it for the people who care about you.
I'm not going in so they can run a bunch of tests, say a bunch of gibberish, and charge me up the yin-yang.
- Yin-yang? - Ass.
- Dad - Drop it.
The last thing I need is some doctor poking around under the hood.
The hood? I think ass again.
So how about that girl you been seeing? She still in the picture? Yeah, she's fine.
What about your daughter? Anything going on there? Mm, not really.
I mean, she's terrific.
What about your therapist? You talking to him at all? I'm sorry.
I just got-got a lot on my mind.
It's all right.
I get paid no matter what.
It's my dad.
He's got gout.
He's not taking it seriously.
Let me guess, man likes his steak.
And his beer and cake and Scotch and cigars.
Is he a big man? You mean fat? Ah, your word, not mine.
He's more like a bowling ball than a bowling pin.
The crazy part is he refuses to go to the doctor.
Yeah, I get it.
- You do? - Yeah.
You ever have a car you were afraid to take to a mechanic because you're afraid of what kind of mess he's gonna find under the hood? That's exactly what he said.
Well, he didn't make it up.
A lot of us belong to that club.
Well, I think it's dumb.
Definitely dumb.
So, why do you do it? Fear.
Of what? Dying, stupid.
You know, young bucks like you, you have the luxury of looking at your mortality like it's a movie you might see someday.
You laugh at it.
You flirt with it.
Half the time, you dare it to come get you.
But the closer you get to it being a real thing Doc? I'm still here.
So, what do I do? Take him to Iguazu Falls in South America.
I've always wanted to see that before I go.
It's like ten Niagaras.
Mr.
Art, I have something to make you feel better.
Mm, you gonna make LeBron move back to Cleveland? This is a paste of ginger, onion, garlic, and turmeric.
It is my mother's secret remedy.
Am I supposed to eat that? No, I rub it on your feet.
- How about you rub it on a steak? - Ooh You should stop eating meat for at least six months.
Sure, then I should teach myself German and mud wrestle the Queen.
Come on.
I hate to see you in pain.
Well, I see three doors that can fix that.
Fine.
If I am such a bother to you, I won't waste my time trying to help you.
You're on your own.
Thank you.
Hm.
Oh, come on, you know I have to help you.
Please let me put this on your foot.
No.
You don't like it, try to run away.
What if we load him up with cough syrup, put him in the car, and take him to the doctor? Isn't that kidnapping? Not if you don't ask for money.
Well, that is a man who does not want to be helped.
What happened? He kicked me when I tried to put onion, turmeric, ginger, and garlic on his feet.
I feel like that would just make him hungry.
Yes, that is one of the side effects.
Hello.
Hello, Lois.
It's Awalmir.
You know me as Al.
I know.
You do this every time.
What's up? Oh, I was just working at the grocery store, and there are some beautiful ruby red grapefruits on sale, and I thought to myself, "Who might enjoy some ruby red grapefruit?" And a voice inside me said, "Lois, Lois, Lois.
" - Well, thanks for the tip.
- So now that I have given you the good news about the grapefruit, would it be really nosy of me if I asked how much you love Mr.
Art? A little, but since you asked, I love him a lot.
Uh-huh.
Now, what about if he only had one foot? Uh, I don't know.
I guess? That is not the answer I was looking for.
What's going on? He has gout.
What? He was fine yesterday.
He is hiding it because he is too proud, and he refuses to see a doctor.
Well, that sounds like Art Dugan.
I'll talk to him.
Thank you, Lois.
No, thank you for giving me the heads-up.
But, of course, you can't tell him that I told you about this.
So, what am I supposed to say when he asks how I know? See, now that is something I'd like you to figure out.
We can talk about it when I drop off the grapefruits.
- Hello.
- Oh, hey, Lois.
What a treat.
Oh! Ah, my foot must've fallen asleep - while I was sitting there.
- Don't bother.
I know about the gout.
Oh.
Who's the snitch? They all called me, but only Al brought me grapefruit.
Those sneaky little Because they love you, you idiot.
Now, here, let me help you.
I got it, I got it.
I need you to go see a doctor.
Eh, don't worry, I'll be fine.
You know, I'm willing to take care of a man, but only if he's willing to take care of himself.
Is that a threat? You bet.
I'm getting pretty sick of people telling me what to do.
You know, I'm not so much telling you what to do.
I'm telling you what I'm gonna do.
Which is get in my car, go home, and wait for your phone call telling me you went to see a doctor.
And that's the next time I'm gonna see you.
Oh, who was that? Oh, you snitching rat bastard.
Oh, good, she came.
Hey, before we get to the doctor, how about we stop at the VFW bar for a quick drink? Nice try.
Come on, we all know what's gonna happen.
Doctor's gonna look at my foot, make a super serious face, and tell me not to enjoy my life.
Let's just have one last round, like a tiny, sad Mardi Gras.
Nice try.
This could be a good thing.
You ever think of that? Not once.
If he tells you to exercise, we can work out together.
- We could play golf.
- Yeah.
At the 19th hole, I can get a sugar-free lemonade and beat my own head in with a nine-iron.
Oh, come on, with that head, you'd need at least a five-iron.
If he tells you to eat less meat, we could try grilling plant burgers.
Plant burgers? Aw, my poor grill.
He deserves better.
We could still grill fish.
Hey, that's not funny.
There's Quincy's Bar, pull over.
You didn't seriously put on the child locks, did you? Yes.
Why are we still waiting? I already gave them my blood.
What more do they want? Hang in there.
Geez.
There ought to be a rule, you know, if the doc takes longer than a half hour, the appointment's free.
I think you're describing a pizza.
Oh, God, pizza.
I'm never gonna have pizza again.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Although, looking at these records, you've been keeping us waiting for about a decade.
Yeah, I've been busy being happy.
So, the gout can be treated with some medication and basic lifestyle changes.
Here we go.
But I'm concerned with your blood work.
Your A1C shows you're already prediabetic.
Aren't we all prediabetic? No.
And your cholesterol and triglycerides are off the charts.
Do you ever have shortness of breath climbing up stairs? No.
You huff and puff getting out of your chair.
That's not what she asked.
Do you ever have chest pain with exertion? Not really.
Not really? It's not a pain, just a little tightness.
- No big deal.
- Okay.
I'm gonna send you to the ER for an arteriogram, make sure there's no blockage of an artery.
That sounds serious.
We'll find out.
An artery? We came here for my foot.
Those are really far apart.
I'm gonna call the hospital and let them know you're coming.
See? Poking under the hood.
Hey.
Hey, Lizzie, is Hazel there? Yeah.
Okay, I don't want her to freak out, so repeat after me, "What do you mean there's a sale at the craft store?" What do you mean there's a sale at the craft store? Dad has to have emergency surgery.
What? We should get some glitter.
Doctor asked for some tests.
Dad's got an artery that's not great, so they're just putting in a stent.
- Now? - Calm down.
He's lucky they caught it before it got worse.
I'll call you in an hour.
All right? Just hang tight and, uh, take care of Hazel for me.
Okay.
- Let me get my coat.
- For what? Aren't we going to the craft store? Yes.
Look at the bright side, Mr.
Art.
50% of your artery - isn't blocked.
- Hey, that's a good point.
You'd still take I-70 if only two lanes were closed.
I wish you two would just shut up.
Come on, you'll be back on your feet and complaining in an hour.
Yeah, unless they find something else.
My buddy went in for a stent, and they ended up doing a triple bypass.
And they probably saved his life.
You and your friend are both lucky to have access to this marvel called modern medicine.
Whatever happens, you'll be good.
You're a tough son of a bitch.
That is no way to talk about your grandmother.
Okay, Mr.
Dugan, time to get you shaved.
Sure.
I don't too much hair on my chest.
Uh, no, the doctor goes in through an artery in the groin.
My groin? Well, take care, Pop.
Okay, good deal.
Thanks.
See you soon.
Hey, listen.
So, when your dad and Al took Grampy to the doctor, they found something wrong with his heart, so he had to have a little surgery.
- Is he okay? - Yeah.
It was just a minor procedure.
He's fine.
There's no reason to get upset.
Okay.
So, let's do him a favor and get rid of all the junk food.
Wait, what? He needs to start eating healthier.
But I don't.
Sorry, it's got to go.
You can't just throw this all away.
Our trash will be too delicious.
We'll get raccoons.
So, what? You want to eat it all before he gets home? I want to try.
You'll make yourself sick.
Better me than the poor raccoons.
Well, when you're right, you're right.
Hey.
How you doing? Ah, it was a blast.
Don't go through life without getting a stent.
Ah, it's very good to see you still have your humor, Mr.
Art.
Doctor said they ended up putting in two stents.
Oh, great, so they upsold me while I was unconscious? Lois is waiting outside.
Aw, no.
She said you don't have to see her if you're not feeling up to it.
I'd rather see her than you two.
You're feeling better already.
Hey, Al.
Sorry I kicked you.
Eh, it's all right.
I'm sure it hurt you more than it hurt me.
Yeah, it really did.
- Hey.
- Hey.
We'll be waiting outside.
How you feeling? - Lucky.
- Same here.
Yeah.
Hey, thank you.
If you hadn't lit a fire under me, I don't know what would've happened.
Thank you for not making me dump your ass.
You weren't really gonna do that, were you? I definitely was.
Wow, that's cold.
Sorry, you're more fun alive.
Well, they said you can go home in a few hours.
Great.
And I looked it up.
Apparently, after you get a stent, you can have sex anytime you want, you don't have to wait.
Oh.
Well, don't be surprised when the carpet matches the drapes.
All right, kiddo, time to learn to love some vegetables.
- I don't like it.
- Yeah, me neither.
Where should we start? - I'm thinking carrot.
- All right.
Sweet, crunchy, and if you squint, you can pretend it's a Cheeto.
Plus, they help you see in the dark.
Actually, that's British propaganda.
- Really? - Yeah, they put the story out so the Germans wouldn't know they were using radar technology to shoot down their bombers at night.
Wow, they're sweet, and they helped defeat the Nazis.
Good job, carrot.
Okay, what's next? Snap peas.
This does nothing for me.
You're not winning any wars with these.
Water break.
Ah That's the tastiest thing we're gonna have all day.
All right, we've been putting it off long enough.
Cauliflower.
I'll see you on the other side.
Okay, not bad.
Yeah.
I can't do it.
Power through, just power through.
Ugh, it's got a bad aftertaste.
It's got a bad during taste.
Chase it with a carrot.
Quick! Good job, carrot.