Whitney s02e16 Episode Script

Oh, my God.
Why do they have to hold hands? It's like, we get it.
You're in love.
Check his email.
We're holding hands.
Ugh! Since when? Oh! Pfft.
Check out this jackass.
Stroking her hair? Keep an eye out for her body tomorrow.
- What, what, what! - Oh, my God.
That's my therapist.
Okay.
Do you wanna go say hi? No! I'm afraid she'll charge me.
Why does she have a birthday cake? She's obviously having a birthday party.
But where are the people, Alex? Where are the people? Ah! God, she's eating it with her hands.
Okay, okay.
Just calm down.
She--she's a psychiatrist.
She obviously had to take a test to prove that she's normal.
Let's just not panic.
See, look.
Someone's coming.
Oh, no.
I'm starting to think no one else is coming.
Here you go, Roxanne.
Another one on me.
Wow, you keep giving me free drinks, and they're literally gonna be on you.
You have been in a really good mood the last week.
Are you quitting? No.
You're seeing someone.
No wonder you've been checking your phone every five minutes.
My Amazon order has shipped.
So what is this girl like? Is she pretty? No, I'm not telling.
I like to keep my private life private.
But all I know is, uh Man.
I could use a little - I could.
- Let's never do that again.
But even after that, I have this girl I wanna fix you up with.
Oh, my God.
How come as soon as someone gets in a relationship, they feel the need to set everybody else up? Look, she's a really nice girl.
Lives in my building.
Oh, a building.
Big whoop.
Roxanne, you mad at buildings now? Hey, hey, hey! What's going on? - Hi! - Hi! Are you okay? No.
We just saw my therapist in the park eating an entire cake alone.
- Cake? - Cake.
- Cake? - Cake.
- In broad daylight? - Yes.
I mean, this is a disaster.
The woman who is responsible for my mental health is clearly insane.
I mean, how am I supposed to take advice from this woman after I saw What I saw? Was it really that bad? Dude, it was like a velociraptor at a birthday party.
Well, look, you've been with her forever.
So just talk to her about it so you can both move past it.
Yeah, you're right.
I'll just-- I'll just go see her and we'll talk about it.
There's probably a perfectly good explanation for it, you know? But you are going with me for moral support.
Plus, people have told me that from certain angles, I look like a cake.
Really? Because from this angle, you look like a boy.
Roxanne! It is 1:00 in the morning! Oh! Oh! Hey! What are you doing up? Well, I had a dream that I was being sucked out of the apartment by a giant spaceship.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
You're upset that mark is going out with that girl, aren't you? What? Why would I care? I would never date mark.
Look.
He can't wait around for you forever.
I hate him! Ugh! Roxanne, what are you so scared of? Just--no! What's there not to be scared of, Lily? I mean He could cheat on you.
He could be a pill addict.
He could steal your pills.
He could be using you, or he could dump you.
Yeah, he could.
But he also might love you like crazy.
Nah.
Roxanne, you know what you need to do? You need to grow some balls.
Hey, Dr.
Price.
Hi! I have your Ambien prescription right here.
They can do two-year refills now, so just try not to die.
Oh, um, well, you know, I've actually been sleeping pretty well lately.
It's, uh been a piece of cake.
Well, there must be something wrong.
I mean, what about paranoia, anxiety? Nicki Minaj's body must be pissing you off.
Okay, we'll talk about that later.
Um, look.
I need to talk to you about something else actually.
Um, it's kind of embarrassing, but I've-- I saw you yesterday.
Leaving Marshall's? No.
Look.
I saw you in the park eating cake like an animal.
First of all, you wouldn't know a piece a cake if it sat on your face.
You don't have to insult me, okay? What you did was weird, okay? And you cut your cake in squares, not in slices.
It's chilling.
Slices collapse, and that makes me feel like the walls are coming down.
Don't say that.
Obviously, don't say that.
That--that's something I would say.
And I feel like that's just not stable.
And if you're gonna be my therapist-- Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you wanna talk about me? Fine.
We can talk about me, okay? I just had two white Russians at Denny's.
And sometimes I pee standing up.
And I keep a box full of arugula in my closet.
- Okay, okay! - You wanna go, girl? Okay! Okay.
No, no, no! I love cake! Carrot, Bundt, rum baba! Okay, you name it, it's in my mouth.
We're good.
Um, let's just not talk about it.
Let's--you know what? Let's just, um-- let's just move past this.
That's another thing about me that you don't know.
I don't move past things.
I quit.
I'm no longer your therapist.
No.
No, no, no! No, no, no! Okay, okay.
Please, no.
No, no, I have to go rape a cake.
Oh, hello, princess.
Princess? Yeah, that's what she calls you in therapy, like a five-year-old little girl.
- Hey.
- Hi, I'm Lily.
Hi, I'm Lulu.
What? Oh, Lulu.
Uh, no, sweetheart.
What's your name? It's really nice to meet you.
Would you like a drink? Oh, no, thank you.
I don't drink.
Oh, no.
So how was the game? Wha--uh, phew.
Why don't you drink? Uh, you know, I guess I just never saw the point of it.
I love life.
I just don't wanna miss any of it.
Sorry, what's this bit? How was the game, please? It was awesome.
The cubs are back.
Yeah! They're on fire! Are they? Are they on fire? Are they back? Roxanne, stop being yourself.
I cannot believe that she quit.
I mean, what am I gonna do now? What, am I gonna order my prescriptions from Canada? - Princess? - Okay, come on.
You have weird nicknames for me too.
You call me McRib.
Yeah, but I say it to your face.
I only call you princess to Dr.
Price.
So she thinks I'm a princess? She eats cake in the park.
She's literally Marie Antoinette.
Look.
I only started calling you princess because you come from this perfect family.
You know, you guys have a white brick house, you have wreaths everywhere.
You and your brother were planned.
It just--it only comes up because I can't really talk to you about my problems because you can't really relate because you have this perfect life.
Well, that's not true.
Tell me something that you think I can't relate to.
Right now.
Go.
This feels like a trap.
Look, you know what? I'm your new therapist now, okay? You don't even need her anyway, all right? Seriously.
Look, I'm gonna listen to your problems and then just give you advice.
So lie down on the couch, and I'm gonna sit right here on the chair.
Okay, this is already stressing me out.
We need a new couch.
No, just tell me what you were gonna talk about with Dr.
Price today.
Okay, um Well, I was talking about my mom.
You know, she's dating this new guy, and I know she is gonna ruin it.
She always does this.
She's been doing this since I was a kid.
She's just using him because he has a tanning bed.
Okay, well, we obviously can't control what she does.
So why don't we just let this one go? We'll circle back.
Um Let's see.
Uh, oh! I just--I have been feeling so much anxiety recently, and I think it has something to do with my dad because he left me a message checking in.
Which means, you know, I'm gonna call him back, he's not gonna answer, and then I'm gonna worry that something happened to him or, you know, he needs money.
Do you think he needs money? - Alexander! - Yes, sir! Ma'am! Okay, so you just told me that you would be my therapist, and then you fell asleep.
So obviously I can't talk to you about my problems.
Look, the reason why I fell asleep listening to your problems is because, quite frankly, there's nothing to listen to.
It's just not that compelling hearing you talk about your problems when you don't really have any.
Excuse me.
I am hanging by a thread.
No, you're not.
Look, everything you're worried about isn't a problem now.
You're just reliving things that happened 20 years ago over and over again.
But that stuff really messed me up.
Well, in that case, then everybody's messed up.
I mean, your parents got divorced.
So half of everybody's parents get divorced.
Your mom's hard to deal with? Whose isn't? You need to accept it instead of just opening up old wounds.
Okay.
Now you're calling me old.
Whit you're happy.
I am? Yes.
Really? Yeah.
Are you sure? Yeah, because you know why? You have a boyfriend that loves you, you have awesome friends, and you have the best job in the world And we have Apple TV.
But I got screwed up as a kid.
That's like my thing.
But you know what, it doesn't have to be your thing now.
You deserve to live without all that weighing you down.
Okay, everything you're saying make a lot of sense, but I just--I don't know how you would know any of this.
I mean, you've never had to worry about anything.
Look, I have stuff too.
I've been cheated on, and I've been hurt and You know what, my brother called me the other day and told me that my parents are getting separated, so-- Oh, my God.
Why didn't you tell me? I don't know.
I just-- I felt like if I said it out loud maybe it would make it real.
Honey, I'm so sorry.
Come here, McRib.
Garza was genius.
He struck out- like nine guys.
It was awesome! So is Lulu short for Elizabeth? You know what, um, I wanna show you something outside.
Oh, okay.
W-what? You.
Wait, Louise? Roxanne you cannot be rude to that girl.
Don't make me knock you out again.
What the hell's going on with you two? Uh, nothing.
We're just leaving.
Lily, could you give us a second, please? Of course.
Could I get 5 for a cab? You know what, just hit my PayPal.
What's your problem? I don't have a problem.
I just love life and don't wanna miss any of it.
Roxanne, the only reason that I'm seeing her is because you're too stubborn to go out with me.
This is your fault.
Well, if that's the kind of girl you're into, then you never really liked me.
Let's go out.
On a date.
Tomorrow night.
I'm paying the check.
You're wearing flats.
Mark, you just like the chase.
God, how many times are you gonna use that excuse? You know what, this morning I woke up and I found a gray hair.
- Where? - Don't worry about it.
It's handled.
The point is I'm not gonna waste any more time waiting around for you to realize that we'd be great together.
So don't blame me when you're 60 years old and you're still terrified of intimacy and you're still paralyzed by your divorce and you're still living with Lily and her third husband.
I just don't understand why you had to invite Dr.
Price here.
Face it.
She's just not that into you.
Okay, look, I just-- I really wanna do this right.
And I'm figuring, since she's so weird and crazy, she should probably be my friend instead.
Who only knocks once? Chilling.
- Hi! - Hi.
I usually don't come over to my patients' house for drinks, but I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, Alex.
Hi, Dr.
Price.
What do you like to drink too much of? I'll take a Mike's hard.
Lemonade? You can put some lemonade in, sure.
Um, here.
Let's, uh, take a seat.
- You know, I just wanted to-- - Okay.
Oh, thanks.
Sorry.
I wanted to, um apologize for how I acted the other day.
I'm really sorry.
You know what, I accept your apology and I actually wanted to apologize to you, because I was out of line, and that was totally unprofessional.
So I just wanna let you know that you can come back to me as a patient.
Oh, um, that's really nice.
But, you know, I actually realized recently that I-I don't have any big problems that need to be solved, and I just--I don't know if I really need a therapist anymore.
I actually realized that two years ago, but I had to redo my bathroom.
I respect that.
Um, you know, but you've helped me so much, and I really hope you'll stay in my life.
Oh, don't embarrass yourself.
You've been my best friend for four years.
Oh, my God, that's so sad.
Um okay, well, since we're friends now, I'm gonna go change into sweat shorts.
- Great! - I'm chaffing.
Oh, thank you! How are you, Alex? I don't know.
Uh nobody's ever really asked me that before.
Well, someone's asking you now.
Have a seat.
Uh, okay.
I actually kinda found out something crazy recently.
My parents are getting separated, and it kinda came out of nowhere.
Well, it came out of nowhere for you.
For them, it's probably been brewing for a while.
I feel like maybe I'm naive about relationships, you know? I mean, maybe they really don't work.
Well, you can't have that kind of attitude.
I mean, the people who make the biggest mistakes are the people who think that they're ever out of the woods.
The only relationships that work are the relationships that you work on.
Well, in that case, Whitney and I are in it for the long haul, because this is like a full-time job.
You don't need to tell me that.
She's been my patient for ten years, okay? But to tell you the truth, I'm not the one who's solved all her problems.
You are.
- Really? - Yeah.
It's kind of annoying.
But you have to remember, relationships take a lot of work.
You fight, and then you make up, then you fight, and you make up.
But the one thing that will never ever disappoint you is cake.
It's in the fridge.
Um, you want it inside, or you wanna take it outside? I'll take it inside.
- Hello! - Hey.
I just talked to Dr.
Price about my parents, you know.
This whole thing kinda sucks, but the thing that's cool about it is now I can finally relate to you.
That is cool.
And now that I'm happy, I can finally relate to you.
I mean, I can actually, you know, give you advice now, and, um-- This whole thing's just so surreal, you know.
Okay, I'm still here, and I would like some cake.
I mean, we used to go to Martha's vineyard like every summer.
Oh, well, life sucks.
Move over.
Thank you.
Mm.
Forks really slow you down, huh? Okay.
Am I the only person around who's not completely [bleep.]
up? Oh, wait, Mark, wait! Uh, wait up! Mark! Uh-- - Roxanne? - Hey.
What are you doing here? Uh, I just-- well, I-- you know, you just took off without me.
You just left me-- Wait, how did you even know that I was here? Uh Twitter.
Look, I'm sorry about the way I acted the other day withLulu.
But to be fair, her name does mean "toilet toilet.
" Roxanne, she's good for me.
She likes me.
Right.
Yeah, I know.
But monogamy doesn't really work.
I mean, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins.
Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett.
We're all just running around like that didn't happen.
Well, I'm done.
With me? Yeah, I know.
I don't blame you.
Ha.
I'm a disaster.
No.
I'm done listening to you.
It's early in the morning - I just think-- - Don't think.
That's when all the problems start.
- Yeah, but I'm-- - Shut up.
It's a chance-- Ah! Sorry! I just had an instinct to kill you.
I mean it is a park.
You know, we're in a park.
Okay, it's gone now.
All I need, all all I need all I need, all all I need all I need, all all I need is you smiling at me all all I need all I need Hi.
All I need, all all I need is life, love with you You again.
Do you think that we'll ever break up? You know, for the first time in my life, I don't think that.
For the first time in my life, I'm scared of something like that.
Well, if you ever try to leave me, I'll just kill you.
If you ever try leaving me, I'll kill us both.
That is so sweet.
- I hate you.
- I hate you too.
All all I need all I need, all all I need All I need, all all I need is life, love with you