Wings (1990) s02e16 Episode Script

1
GOOD NIGHT, LOWELL.
LAST ONE OUT LOCKS UP.
NO PROBLEM.
NIGHT, HELEN.
THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC
HAS ME IN ITS SPELL
THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC
THAT YOU WEAVE SO WELL
THE ICY FINGERS
UP AND DOWN MY SPINE
THE SAME, THE SAME,
THE SAME
THE SAME OLD WITCHCRAF
WHEN YOUR EYES MEET--
MINE.
UH, HI, JOE.
THOUGHT I WAS
THE ONLY ONE HERE.
UH, JUST, UH,
CHECKING OUT THE MICROPHONE.
HA! WELL, IT SEEMS TO
WORK GREAT.
OH, WELL, GOOD NIGHT.
SEE YOU TOMORROW.
GOOD NIGHT, LOWELL.
[door closing]
FINAL GAME
OF THE WORLD SERIES.
2 OUTS. BOTTOM OF THE 9TH.
THE RED SOX ARE DOWN BY
[seagulls cawing]
(Brian)
NANTUCKET TOWER,
THIS IS CESSNA NEVADA
1-2-1 PAPA-PAPA.
REQUEST PERMISSION
TO CHANGE ALTITUDE
TO 5,000 FEET. OVER.
(man)
ROGER, SANDPIPER.
AFFIRMATIVE. OUT.
[sighing]
JOE,
IS THERE SOMETHING
A LITTLE EERIE
ABOUT THIS FLIGHT?
I MEAN,
I THINK IT'S THIS TOUR GROUP
THAT YOU BOOKED.
NOT ONE OF THEM
HAS SAID A WORD
SINCE THEY GOT ON THE PLANE.
AND SOMETHING'S WRONG HERE.
SOMETHING'S TERRIBLY,
TERRIBLY WRONG. I MEAN,
IT'S ALMOST AS IF
THEY'VE TURNED
INTO MANNEQUINS!
[screaming]
FUNNY, BRIAN.
WHY ARE WE
FLYING MANNEQUINS?
WHY CAN'T WE FLY HUMANS?
IT'S WHAT A REAL AIRLINE'S
SUPPOSED TO DO, ISN'T IT?
HEY, IT'S THE OFF-SEASON.
YOU TAKE WHATEVER BUSINESS
COMES YOUR WAY.
ACCORDING TO MY FIGURES,
WE'RE BARELY GOING
TO SQUEAK THROUGH.
WELL, EVER SINCE YOU LOS
YOUR PILOT'S LICENSE
YOU'VE BEEN OBSESSING
ABOUT THIS COMPANY'S FINANCES.
I WISH YOU'D STOP
WORRYING ABOUT IT.
SOMEBODY'S GOTTA WORRY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
JUST ENCOUNTERING
A LITTLE TURBULENCE HERE.
IN THE UNLIKELY EVEN
OF A WATER LANDING,
PLEASE USE THE PASSENGER
IN FRONT OF YOU
AS A FLOTATION DEVICE.
OOPS, SEEM TO HAVE
HAD A LITTLE MISHAP
BACK THERE, JOE.
BETTER PUT THAT LEG BACK ON.
HOW MANY PIONEERS OF AVIATION
HAVE SAID THOSE VERY WORDS?
JOE.
JOE, COME HERE
FOR A SECOND, WILL YOU?
THIS GUY TRIES TO SUE US
HE WON'T HAVE
A LEG TO STAND ON.
[chuckling]
A LEG TO STAND ON.
[blowing]
HELLO? IS THIS THING ON?
WOULD YOU SHUT UP?
TAKE A LOOK AT THAT.
WHAT?
NANTUCKET TOWER.
THIS IS CESSNA NEVADA
1-2-1 PAPA-PAPA.
HAVE YOU GO
ANY OTHER AIRCRAF
IN THE VICINITY? OVER.
(man)
NO TRAFFIC IN THE AREA. OVER.
NOTHING AT ALL? OVER.
NEGATIVE, SANDPIPER. OVER.
THANKS. OUT.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
I DON'T KNOW, MAN, IT'S LIKE
IT'S HOVERING OUT THERE.
[rumbling]
HOLY--
DID--DID YOU SEE--
DID YOU SEE HOW FAS
THAT THING WAS GOING?
NOTHING MOVES THAT FAST.
IT'S GONE.
I THINK WE JUST SAW A U.F.O.
[both laughing]
YOU DIDN'T HAPPEN TO GE
THE LICENSE PLATE NUMBER
ON THAT THING, DID YOU?
NO,
BUT THE BUMPER STICKER SAID,
"55,000 MILES PER HOUR.
A LAW WE CAN LIVE WITH."
FAY, DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE?
WHY, SURE, HELEN.
WHAT IS IT?
WELL, I WAS JUST GOING
OVER MY BOOKS
AND I'M SURE
IT WAS JUST AN OVERSIGHT,
BUT I NOTICED THA
YOU HAVEN'T PAID
YOUR LUNCH BILL THIS MONTH.
I-I'M SURE I DID.
UH, NO, IT'S JUST THA
WHEN SOMEONE PAYS ME
I MARK IT DOWN
IN MY LEDGER RIGHT HERE.
I'M SURE YOU DO,
BUT I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER
PUTTING THE MONEY
IN AN ENVELOPE
AND GIVING IT TO YOU.
$42.50.
WELL, YOU KNOW, MEMORY CAN
PLAY TRICKS ON US SOMETIMES.
EVIDENTLY YOUR BOOKS
CAN PLAY SOME TRICKS, TOO.
WELL, IF YOU WOULD LIKE
TO LOOK AT MY ACCOUNTS,
I CAN CLEARLY SHOW YOU--
OH, HELEN, I WOULDN'T DREAM
OF DOUBTING YOUR HONESTY.
I'LL JUST PAY THE BILL
AGAIN.
FORGET IT, FAY.
I DON'T CARE
ABOUT THE MONEY.
UH, WOULD IT BE ALL RIGH
IF I GIVE YOU A CHECK?
FAY,
I'M NOT GOING TO ACCEPT IT.
I HAVE 2 FORMS
OF IDENTIFICATION.
FAY.
MY BANK HAS A SERVICE CHARGE
OF 5 CENTS FOR EACH CHECK.
PLEASE EXCUSE ME, FAY.
HERE YOU GO.
I COULDN'T TAKE THIS, HELEN.
I KNOW HOW MUCH
A NICKEL MEANS TO YOU.
(Brian)
ROY, ROY.
[clears throat]
DID YOUR PILOTS
REPORT SEEING
ANYTHING STRANGE TONIGHT?
I MEAN, BESIDES YOUR TIE?
WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT,
HACKETT?
JOE AND I SAW A U.F.O.
[Helen gasping]
REALLY?
A U.F.O.
OH, I LOVE THAT STUFF.
YOU KNOW, CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
OF THE THIRD KIND,
THAT'S ONE OF
MY FAVORITE MOVIES.
YOU KNOW HOW
THAT BIG MOTHER SHIP
PASSED OVERHEAD?
AND, HEY!
WHO KNEW TRUFFAU
COULD ACT, HUH?
[laughing]
HAD THIS CUTE
LITTLE FRENCH ACCENT--
YO, HELEN,
CAN I JUST JUMP IN HERE?
JUST FOR ONE SECOND.
WHAT DID IT LOOK LIKE?
AH, WELL,
THERE WAS A BLUE LIGHT--
NO, I MEAN THE MOTHER SHIP.
I NEVER SAW THE MOVIE.
WHAT DID IT LOOK LIKE?
IT WAS THIS HUGE THING.
HAD LIGHTS ALL AROUND IT.
HEY, HEY, HEY,
I--I SAW THE REAL THING
MYSELF, OK?
THERE WAS A BLUE LIGHT,
SHOT FROM ONE PART OF THE SKY
TO THE OTHER
IN LIKE 4 SECONDS, OK.
HOVERED THERE,
SHOT STRAIGHT UP,
DISAPPEARED.
WOW, THAT'S REALLY WEIRD.
NO, NOT REALLY,
I ALWAYS WONDERED
WHEN THE PEOPLE
FROM HIS PLANET WERE
GONNA COME BACK FOR HIM.
I'M NOT KIDDING AROUND, ROY.
I REALLY DID SEE THIS THING.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT ALONE, BRIAN.
MY MOTHER-IN-LAW CLAIMS
SHE WAS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS.
CLAIMS THEY TOOK HER
ABOARD THEIR SPACESHIP,
EXAMINED HER GENITALIA
AND THEN SENT HER BACK.
I CONTEND HER NEIGHBOR VERN
TOOK HER ABOARD HIS WINNEBAGO,
BUT SHE'S STICKING
TO HER STORY.
THANK YOU, CARL SAGAN
FOR THAT CLOSE ENCOUNTER
OF THE STUPID KIND.
NOW, WOULD YOU GET OU
OF HERE AND FINISH WORKING
ON THAT TOWER SPOTLIGHT, HUH?
BRIAN, MAYBE THAT SPOTLIGH
IS WHAT YOU SAW.
YEAH, FAY'S PROBABLY RIGH
EXCEPT YOU CAN SEE I
A LOT BETTER
ONCE I TAKE IT OU
OF THE TRUCK
AND FINISH ASSEMBLING IT.
HACKETT, HACKETT.
IT COULD HAVE BEEN ANYTHING.
IT COULD HAVE BEEN
HEAT LIGHTNING,
THE NORTHERN LIGHTS,
A METEOR.
A BIG, FLORESCENT EAGLE.
THERE YOU GO.
IT COULD HAVE BEEN
A WEATHER BALLOON.
M-MOVING AT THE SPEED
OF LIGHT?
WELL, YOU KNOW,
WHEN THE AIR'S LEAKING OUT,
THEY JUST
[spitting]
DO YOU HAVE TO DO THAT,
LOWELL?
WELL, YOU DO IF YOU WAN
TO MAKE THE
[spitting]
SOUND.
LOOK, LOOK,
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME,
THEN WHY DON'T YOU
JUST ASK JOE,
BECAUSE HE SAW IT ALSO. RIGHT?
SAW WHAT?
THE U.F.O.
THEY DON'T BELIEVE
THAT WE SAW IT.
I DON'T KNOW WHA
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, BRIAN.
STOP FOOLING AROUND.
IT'S BEEN A LONG NIGHT.
I KNOW WHAT I SAW.
GEE, HACKETT,
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY.
OH, YES, I DO.
NA-NU, NA-NU, NA-NU!
HEY, UH,
DO ME A FAVOR,
WILL YOU, JOE?
CAN YOU SEE IF THERE'S
A LARGE DAGGER
STICKING OUT OF MY BACK?
OH, THAT'S RIGHT. SORRY.
YOU DON'
SEE ANYTHING.
BRIAN, YOU SAW IT.
I SAW IT. THE MANNEQUINS
IN THE PLANE SAW IT.
BUT IF WORD GETS OU
ABOUT THIS,
WE'RE GONNA BE KNOWN
AS CRACKPOT AIRLINES.
WELL, EXCUSE ME,
BUT IT'S DIFFICULT FOR ME
TO BE QUIE
ABOUT THE MOST EXCITING
EXPERIENCE I'VE EVER HAD
IN AN AIRPLANE.
WAIT--WAIT A SECOND.
SECOND MOST EXCITING
THIRD
DO HELICOPTERS COUNT?
LOOK, LOOK,
BUSINESS IS BAD ENOUGH.
WE CAN'T AFFORD ANY BAD PRESS.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I SEE YOUR POINT.
I WON'T MENTION A WORD
OF THIS TO ANYBODY ELSE.
WHERE ARE THOSE PILO
IRREGULARITY FORMS?
NO, YOU--YOU ARE NO
FILING A REPORT ON THIS
TO THE F.A.A.
THERE'S NO WAY I WANT THIS
ON PERMANENT RECORD.
JOE, JOE, YOU KNOW
AS WELL AS ANYBODY ELSE
THAT IF A PILOT SEES SOMETHING
OUT OF THE ORDINARY,
HE'S REQUIRED TO REPORT IT.
NORMALLY, I WOULD AGREE--
WELL, WHAT ARE WE
SUPPOSED DO?
ARE WE SUPPOSED
TO FORGET ABOUT IT?
MAYBE THE F.A.A.
CAN EXPLAIN THIS.
OR MAYBE SOMEBODY'S
ALREADY MADE OUT A REPORT.
DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHAT WE SAW?
YES, OF COURSE I DO,
BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
THE RAMIFICATIONS OF THIS,
BRIAN.
RAMIFICATIONS.
DO YOU REMEMBER
FRED ATKINS?
YEAH, HE FLEW CHARTER
OUT OF NEW BEDFORD.
RIGHT, WELL,
HE REPORTED SEEING A U.F.O.
THE NEXT THING HE KNEW,
HE WAS BLACKLISTED.
THEY BROKE HIM.
LAST I HEARD, HE WAS
SITTING ON THE CORNER
OF 3RD AND MAIN,
SELLING USED CHEWING GUM.
THAT WAS FRED ATKINS?
YOU BETCHA.
THAT GUM WAS USED?
HERE'S YOUR WATER, FAY.
CAN I GET YOU
ANYTHING ELSE?
NO, THANK YOU,
I BROUGHT MY LUNCH.
UH, WHAT DO I OWE YOU
FOR THE WATER?
NOTHING.
THAT NAPKIN WILL
BE $42.50.
I PAID YOU.
OH, I BEG TO DIFFER.
YOU CAN BEG ALL YOU WANT,
I'M NOT PAYING YOU AGAIN.
LADIES, LADIES.
NOW THIS HAS GONE ON
FOR OVER A WEEK.
I'M SEEING A BEAUTIFUL
FRIENDSHIP TORN ASUNDER,
RENT IN TWAIN,
BIFURCATED.
LOWELL,
HAVE YOU BEEN LISTENING
TO THOSE STUPID
VOCABULARY TAPES AGAIN?
INDUBITABLY.
WELL, I KNOW HOW TO
SOLVE THIS ALTERCATION.
PLEASE ENLIGHTEN US.
WHAT?
TELL US HOW.
WELL, YOU CAN DO
WHAT THE WIFE AND I DO.
ARM-WRESTLE.
WELL, BUT YOU TWO CAN
LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES ON.
OR NOT.
LOWELL, I'M NOT GOING
TO ARM-WRESTLE FAY.
[imitating chicken clucking]
ARE YOU
CALLING ME A CHICKEN?
IF THE BEAK FITS.
OK, YOU GOT IT.
LET'S DO IT.
GREAT. I'LL REFEREE.
I LOVE A GOOD CATFIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, LADIES.
WE'RE PLAYING BY THE MARQUIS
OF QUEENSBURY RULES HERE.
ELBOWS ON THE TABLE
AT ALL TIMES.
SPITTING, BITING
AND SCRATCHING
ARE, OF COURSE,
REAL CROWD PLEASERS.
ALL RIGHT, LADIES,
READY,
SET,
GO.
GIVE IT UP, FAY.
IN YOUR DREAMS.
HELEN, I SAW A COCKROACH
SCURRY UNDER YOUR COUNTER
AND I FOLLOWED HIM.
YOU KNOW, LIKE I USUALLY DO.
AND THEN I--
LOWELL, CAN THIS WAIT?
WELL, I THOUGHT IT WAS
PERTINENT.
ANYWAY, I
I FOUND THIS ENVELOPE.
IT'S GOT $42.50 IN IT.
THAT'S THE MONEY
I GAVE YOU.
IT MUST HAVE FALLEN
OFF THE COUNTER, FAY.
I GUESS THERE'S NO REASON
TO KEEP DOING THIS.
SO WHY DON'T WE JUST QUIT?
FINE. LET GO.
NO, YOU LET GO.
NO, YOU LET GO FIRST.
NO, I-I'M NOT FALLING
FOR THAT OLD TRICK.
IT FLEW STRAIGHT UP
AND IT DISAPPEARED.
SO,
WHAT DO YOU THINK,
INSPECTOR HANSON?
WELL, THAT'S
A VERY INTERESTING STORY,
MR. HACKET
BUT I'M AFRAID THE F.A.A.
CAN'T TAKE YOUR REPOR
AT FACE VALUE.
THERE ARE A FEW THINGS
WE'VE FOUND
THAT CAST SOME DOUB
ON YOUR, UH, CREDIBILITY.
MY CREDIBILITY. LIKE WHAT?
WELL, IT SAYS HERE
YOU ONCE REPORTED
SEEING AMELIA EARHAR
OVER THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE.
YEAH, YES, THAT WAS JUST--
I WAS PLAYING A LITTLE JOKE
ON A BUDDY OF MINE,
THAT'S ALL.
OH!
A JOKE.
(Brian)
YEAH.
[feigning laughter]
LIKE THIS U.F.O. SIGHTING?
NO, NO, THIS IS DIFFERENT.
WELL, HOW WOULD I KNOW THAT?
WELL, UH,
MY BROTHER JOE SAW IT,
FOR ONE.
OH, REALLY?
MAYBE I SHOULD TALK TO HIM.
NO, NO, YOU CAN'T.
IT, WELL, IT WOULDN'T DO YOU
ANY GOOD ANYWAY.
BECAUSE HE'S A
MUTE.
HE'S A MUTE.
JOE, JOE, UH,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
[door closing]
I THOUGH
IT WAS YOUR DAY OFF.
I HAVE SOME PAPERWORK.
HE SPEAKS.
IT'S A MIRACLE.
HI--HI,
I'M JOE HACKETT.
SO YOU'RE THE OTHER ONE
WHO WAS PRESEN
AT THIS ALLEGED SIGHTING.
INSPECTOR HANSON,
F.A.A.
YOU WENT AND FILED
THAT REPORT, DIDN'T YOU?
OH, HE SURE DID.
FRANKLY, OFF THE RECORD,
I'M SURPRISED.
IF YOU'RE LOOKING
FOR SOME ATTENTION
FOR YOUR LITTLE AIRLINE HERE,
THIS IS THE WRONG KIND.
LISTEN, UH,
IS THERE ANY WAY
THAT WE CAN MAKE
THIS REPORT DISAPPEAR?
I'M AFRAID
IT'S A LITTLE LATE FOR THAT.
HAVE A NICE DAY.
WHAT THE HELL
DID YOU THINK
YOU WERE DOING?
I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF.
I WANTED TO FIND OU
WHAT WE SAW.
YOU BETTER HOPE NOTHING
COMES OF THIS, BRIAN.
YOU BETTER HOPE
IT GETS BURIED UNDER TONS
OF BUREAUCRATIC PAPERWORK
AND NO ONE ELSE HEARS
A THING ABOUT IT,
YOU KNOW WHY?
PLEASE TELL ME WHY, JOE.
I WANT YOU TO GO ON
AND ON AND ON ABOUT THIS.
BECAUSE IF I LOSE MY BUSINESS,
I'M HOLDING YOU
PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE.
OH, COME ON!
LOOK, ALL I WANT FROM YOU
IS A PROMISE
THAT THIS GOES NO FURTHER.
NOT A WORD.
OK, OK, FINE,
YOU HAVE MY WORD.
FROM NOW ON MY STORY IS:
THE ONLY THING
I SAW THAT NIGH
IS THE SKY,
THE STARS, THE MOON,
AND YOU, JOE HACKETT.
ANNOUNCING THE ARRIVAL
OF AEROMASS FLIGHT 14
FROM HARTFORD.
WE AT AEROMASS WOULD LIKE
TO CONGRATULATE
OUR COLLEAGUES
AT SANDPIPER AIR
FOR THE INAUGURATION
OF THEIR NEW NONSTOP SERVICE
TO THE PLANET ZOLDAR.
IS THERE
A BRIAN HACKETT HERE?
BRIAN HACKETT?
YEAH, THAT'S ME.
WELL, MY COLLEAGUES AND I
LEARNED ABOU
YOUR U.F.O. SIGHTING.
UH--UH, NOW,
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT A U.F.O.
WE JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT YOU'RE NOT ALONE.
WE'VE SEEN IT, TOO.
SO, EXACTLY WHO ARE YOU?
WE'RE JUST PEOPLE
FROM DIFFERENT PARTS
OF THE COUNTRY
AND DIFFERENT WALKS OF LIFE
WHO HAPPEN TO SHARE
THE COMMON EXPERIENCE
OF HAVING SEEN A U.F.O.
AND BECAUSE OF THE SKEPTICISM
WE'VE ENCOUNTERED
FROM THE GOVERNMENT,
AMONG OTHERS,
WE DECIDED TO FORM
OUR OWN INDEPENDEN
INVESTIGATIVE UNIT.
WELL, I'M-- I'M AFRAID
ALL YOU PEOPLE HAVE COME
AN AWFUL LONG WAY
FOR NOTHING,
BECAUSE I DIDN'
SEE ANYTHING.
MR. HACKETT,
WE HAVE AN INFORMAN
AT THE F.A.A.
WE KNOW
YOU REPORTED A SIGHTING.
WHO ARE YOU, THE K.G.B.?
I--I TELL YOU WHAT,
WHY DON'T WE JUS
BYPASS THE RUBBER HOSES
AND GO STRAIGHT ON TO LUDMILA
AND THE COMPROMISING
VIDEOTAPE, OK?
WE ALL UNDERSTAND
WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH,
MR. HACKETT.
UH, PLEASE,
CALL ME X.R.Q. 24.
WE'RE ALL JUS
ORDINARY PEOPLE.
I'M A BOOKKEEPER.
AL TEACHES PHYSICS
IN HIGH SCHOOL.
TOM'S A DENTIST.
JOHN'S A CONTRACTOR.
AND I'M A PILOT.
THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING
TO CAREER DAY.
YOU KNOW, NONE OF US
WANTED TO SEE A U.F.O.
WE DIDN'T ASK
FOR THIS TO HAPPEN.
IT WAS THRUST UPON US.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I--I ALREADY
TOLD THE F.A.A. MY STORY.
I DON'T FEEL LIKE
SOUNDING LIKE A JACKASS
TWICE IN ONE DAY.
LOOK, MR. HACKETT,
I--I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL.
I'M A VERY
SUCCESSFUL CONTRACTOR,
BUT WHO WANTS
THEIR KITCHEN REMODELED
BY SOME WHACKO WHO
SAW A U.F.O. OVER
HIS GRANDSON'S TREE HOUSE.
WHO'D THEY SEND
TO TALK TO YOU?
UH, AN INSPECTOR HANSON.
OH, HANSON.
NOW, THEY NEVER SEND
HANSON OUT UNLESS
THEY WANT TO STOP A REPOR
DEAD IN ITS TRACKS.
SO, YOUR SIGHTING
MUST HAVE BEEN SIGNIFICANT.
WELL, I-- YOU KNOW
I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING.
OK, OK, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT YOU SAW.
IT WAS A BLUE LIGHT.
IT FLEW FROM ONE SIDE
OF THE SKY TO THE OTHER
IN A MATTER OF SECONDS.
AT THAT POINT IT EITHER MADE
A LOOP OR IT FLEW STRAIGHT UP
AND DISAPPEARED.
(Joe)
IT FLEW STRAIGHT UP.
SO YOU SAW IT, TOO.
OH, OH, OH,
SO APPARENTLY RATS
THAT DESERT A SINKING SHIP
CAN GET BACK ON BOARD.
OK, FINE.
SO, EXACTLY
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US?
WE WANT YOU
TO TAKE US UP IN YOUR PLANE.
TONIGHT?
IN NEW MEXICO
THEY HAD SIGHTINGS
FOR 6 STRAIGHT NIGHTS.
IF THE SAME HOLDS TRUE HERE,
THIS IS A PERFEC
WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY.
EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.
SO, COME ON, JOE,
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
COME ON, WHAT ELSE
ARE YOU GOING TO DO BESIDES?
YOU'RE GOING TO STAY HOME
AND WATCH T.V.?
WELL, I STILL HAVE 5 HOURS
OF THE CIVIL WAR
TO GET THROUGH.
LET ME SAVE YOU SOME TIME.
THE NORTH WINS.
COME ON, JOE.
PLEASE, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, I'M WITH YOU.
GREAT, LET'S GO.
HEY, JOE, UH,
JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY,
WHAT MADE YOU
CHANGE YOUR MIND?
WELL, BEFORE THESE PEOPLE
CAME ALONG,
THE ONLY PERSON
THAT COULD CORROBORATE
MY STORY WAS YOU.
NO OFFENSE, BRIAN,
BUT GIVE ME A BREAK.
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND
OUR INVITING A REPORTER
FROM THE LOCAL PAPER ALONG.
NO, I GUESS IT'S OK.
ANYTHING WE CAN DO,
TO FURTHER THE CAUSE
OF SCIENCE.
KIND OF GLAD YOU CAME ALONG,
AREN'T YOU?
YEAH, I REALLY AM.
I HAVEN'T SAID MUCH ABOUT I
THESE LAST FEW DAYS.
BUT IT HAS BEEN
ON MY MIND CONSTANTLY.
(reporter)
MR. HACKETT,
WHAT DO YOU HOPE
TO ACCOMPLISH TONIGHT?
WELL, WE DON'T KNOW THA
WE'LL ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING.
IDEALLY, WE HOPE TO SEE
ANOTHER U.F.O.,
BUT IF NOT, AT THE VERY LEAS
WE'D LIKE TO
ENCOURAGE OTHER PEOPLE
WHO HAVE SEEN
WHAT WE'VE SEEN
TO STEP FORWARD
AND LET THEIR VOICES BE HEARD.
YEAH, YEAH,
THAT AND TO MEET WOMEN.
THANKS.
AH, THERE'S THE LIGHTHOUSE.
WE'RE GETTING CLOSE
TO THE SPOT WHERE WE SAW IT.
IS THERE ANYTHING
ON THE MONITOR?
NOT YET.
THAT'S PRETTY FANCY-LOOKING
EQUIPMENT YOU GOT THERE.
WHAT DOES IT DO?
WE DISCOVERED
IN PREVIOUS SIGHTINGS
THAT THERE WAS A DROP
IN ATMOSPHERIC IONIZATION
WITHIN A 3-KILOMETER RADIUS,
SO WE BROUGHT ALONG
AN IONIZATION COUNTER.
[beeping]
ALSO A HIGH-SPEED,
INFRARED CAMERA,
GRAVITATIONAL FLUX MONITOR
AND AN ELECTRONIC
TRIANGULATOR.
HMM, YOU GUYS GE
THE HOME-SHOPPING CHANNEL
ON CABLE, DON'T YOU?
[beeping]
UH, I'M GETTING
A READING.
4.56 BY 32
ON THE GRID.
IONIZATION 50 M.K.G.
AND FALLING.
MAGNITUDE 3,
FLUCTUATING AT 550.
OH, I DON'
SEE ANYTHING YET.
PREPARE FOR
A CLOSE ENCOUNTER.
THIS IS GETTING EXCITING.
I HOPE THEY KNOW
WE COME IN PEACE.
JOE, DON'T
DON'T TURN AROUND.
WHY?
JUST TRUST ME
ON THIS ONE. JUST DON'T.
NO, NO, JOE, DON'T! DON'T!
OH!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HEY, NO, NO.
"JOE HACKETT,
OWNER OF SANDPIPER AIRLINES
AND LEADER
OF U.F.O. EXPEDITION
DEMONSTRATES ALIEN SALUTE."
THIS IS SO HUMILIATING.
YOU KNOW, JOE, YOU SHOULD
WEAR HATS MORE OFTEN.
YOU LOOK GOOD IN FOIL.
GOOD NIGHT, FELLAS.
GOOD NIGHT, ROY.
HEY, AND, YOU KNOW, ROY,
YOU HAVEN'T SAID
A THING ABOUT THIS ALL DAY.
I'M GETTING KIND OF NERVOUS.
GO AHEAD, MOCK US.
YOU HAVE A RIGHT.
OH, NO, NO, HACKETT,
THIS IS, UH,
THIS IS TOO EASY
FOR A MAN OF MY TALENTS.
IT WOULD BE LIKE
HOOKING A DEAD FISH.
YOU'VE TAKEN ALL THE SPOR
OUT OF IT.
GOOD NIGHT, FELLAS.
[Roy whistling]
HE MAY BE SLIME,
BUT HE'S GOT STANDARDS.
GOOD NIGHT, BOYS.
(both)
NIGHT, FAY.
HOW'S YOUR ARM,
HELEN?
AH, IT'S A LITTLE SORE,
BUT I'LL BE FINE.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
WHO WON
THE ARM-WRESTLING MATCH?
OH, FAY LICKED ME.
AH, SHE BEAT YOU, HUH?
NO, SHE LICKED ME.
SHE LITERALLY LICKED MY HAND.
I WAS SO STARTLED
SHE CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD,
PINNED ME TO THE TABLE.
EXPERIENCE BEATS YOUTH
EVERY TIME.
WE DID SEE SOMETHING
OUT THERE, DIDN'T WE, JOE?
YES, WE DID.
I MEAN,
WE MIGHT NOT KNOW WHAT IT WAS,
BUT IT WAS THERE, RIGHT?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
DO YOU BELIEVE
THERE ARE ACTUALLY
ALIEN SPACECRAFTS UP THERE
MAKING VISITS TO EARTH?
I DON'T KNOW.
IT SOUNDS CRAZY. BUT I MEAN,
THERE ARE PLENTY OF THINGS
THAT YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN.
THE EASTER ISLAND STATUES
AND THOSE CIRCLES
WHY DECAF COFFEEPOTS
ARE ORANGE, YOU KNOW.
YOU LOOK UP AT THE SKY,
ALL THE STARS,
THE VASTNESS
OF THE UNIVERSE
AND IT MAKES YOU REALIZE
HOW ARROGANT WE ARE
TO THINK THAT EARTH
IS THE ONLY PLANET WITH LIFE.
MAKES YOU FEEL
KINDA INSIGNIFICANT,
DOESN'T IT?
NOT WHEN MY SHOES
ARE SHINED.
WELL, I DON'T CARE
WHAT ANYONE SAYS,
I THINK THERE'S GOT TO BE
INTELLIGENT LIFE FORMS
UP THERE SOMEWHERE.
[whirring]
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
(Lowell)
HEY, GUYS, I FINALLY GO
THIS STUPID LIGHT TO WORK.
AH, IF YOU THINK
IT'S BRIGHT NOW,
WATCH THIS.
[whirring]
[electricity surges]
WHOOPS.
MEANWHILE, THE SEARCH
FOR INTELLIGENT LIFE
HERE ON EARTH CONTINUES.