Xena: Warrior Princess s02e16 Episode Script

“You sure about this?” “Yes, Gabrielle.
OK, I’m gonna let you off here.
” “I can’t believe you wanna to without me.
” “I don’t want to go without you, but King Lias’ message said the ceremony is tomorrow.
I’ll have to push Argo pretty hard to make it there myself.
” “I can follow you.
I’ll get there a day later.
Look-- if they want you there for security reasons, then maybe there’s a bigger probem than he’s letting on.
” “Gabrielle, relax.
Enjoy yourself for a couple o’ days.
I can handle this without you.
” “Hmm.
Fine.
Maybe there are a few problems around here that I can handle without you.
” “Well, if there are, I’m sure you’re up to the challenge.
See you in a couple o’ days.
” “’I’m sure you’re up to the challenge.
’ How patronizing can you get?!” Any time you’re ready; it’s your funeral.
Ah-hah! You’re next, Megalopolis.
I’m gonna cut your head off and feed it to the fishes! But first a special move I’m gonna put on ya.
” “Hey, Joxer.
You all right?” “Great! Sh! Sh-Sh! I’m just listening to make sure no giants tracked me.
Yeah-- and-- they didn’t.
” “Mmm-- that’s a load off my mind.
” “Yeah-- oh, wait! Where’s Xena?” “Ah-- she’s off being a hero.
” “Oh.
How come you’re not with her?” “’Cause I’m a sidekick-- obviously expendable, when push comes to shove.
” “Hmm.
Wait, wait, wait! That‘s great! Don’t you get it? You’re a sidekick without a hero.
And I’m a hero without a sidekick.
” “Of course.
You’re a hero.
A hero of what?” “I am Joxer the Mighty.
I’m the greatest hero that ever was.
I’m Joxer the mighty; he roams through the country--” “Joxer-- I’m not in the mood for this.
” “What?” “You know-- one day you’ll realize what it really means to be a hero.
And then you’ll change your tune.
” “I am a hero.
Look-- what would Xena do in a situation like this?” “Like what?” “Like um-- you know-- walking.
” “Actually, she would guard our rear.
” “She would?” “Mmm.
And she’d stay _way back to intercept anybody that might follow us.
” “Oh, ‘cause like if we get attacked from behind--” “Ah, deadly.
” “So, I could fight, I could--” “Yeah-- yep.
” “Great.
I’ll stay right back here.
Don’t worry-- no one’s gonna get _your_ rear.
” “Cupid?! Where are you?” “Yo, Mom-- What up?” “I have an overwhelming sense of grodiness, Cupid.
” “Why? What’s the problem?” “You did your gooey love thing on Princess Ileandra and Prince Sarpedon.
” “Yeah-- they’re a cooking couple-- it’s set.
” “But their marriage will unite their two kingdoms!” “Exactly.
Look, get to the point, Mom.
I’m real busy.
” “Their fathers plan to dismantle my temples that line the border.
If I lose those temples, I’ll have fewer than that hagster, Athena.
” “So you lose a few crummy temples! Bit deal! This is love!” “That’s way harsh, Cupid.
I’m Aphrodite, the goddess of love.
Temples are my kahunas-- the way I know whether I’m happening or not.
Now, I want you to undo this thing.
” “No way! They’re eloping! It’ll be over before you know it!” “Oh! This is so not fair! Ah.
You’re forcing me to get involved.
” “I am not!” “Yes you are! I can whip up a major jealousy rage in no time.
All I need is an accomplice.
” “You always do this! You’re gonna find some hero, right? Like Theseus or Perseus-- throw your little lust-spell on ‘em, then, pow! They’re your boy-toys.
” “As if, Cupid.
I don’t need a hero.
I can do it with anyone.
” “Anyone? I doubt it.
” “Well, then, I guess it’s time for the goddess of love to prove to her son just how powerful she can be.
You name the dude-- I’ll work with him.
” “Anyone, huh?” “Anyone.
” “No one’s gonna get me from behind if I walk backwards.
Yeah, guard, guard, guard-- guard, guard” “Hi, there, studmuffin.
I mean you, big guy.
I need a strong warrior type to do me a favor.
I’d be ever so grateful.
Take this to Princess Ileandra.
” “Ileandra.
” “It’s a wedding present.
” “Present.
” “Make sure you deliver it personally.
” “Oh, OK.
Don’t worry.
I won’t let you down.
Hey-- you’re Aphrodite, aren’t you? Don’t worry, I’ll bring it!” “No.
” “Break her in half.
” “Blood, valor, and victory! Hah-hah! Ah.
Ah! Here you go! Watch that step.
” “He’s so strong.
” “You saved us.
” “My hero.
” “My sword is always ready to pleasure you, my lady.
” “He’s so good-looking.
” In a time of ancient gods, warlords, and kings, A land in turmoil cried out for a hero.
She was Xena, a mighty princess, forged in the heat of battle.
The power the passion the danger Her courage will change the world “Ladies, please, please.
“Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
” “He’s mine, Sister.
” “Please-- each of you is like a-- rose in the garden of life.
I’ve come to sample the fragrance of but one.
” “Who?” “Who?” “Princess Ileandra.
” “Me-- that’s me.
I’m Princess Ileandra.
” “Then I have a gift for you.
It’s golden finish is but a dim glimmer of the shimmering radiance of your cream-like skin.
” “Put it on, quick.
” “Oh.
” “Joxer.
” “Huh?” “That was amazing.
What has gotten into you?” “Ah, ah-- I don’t know.
Um-- protecting your rear and uh-- ah, dya-- where am I?” “Say that thing again-- about my skin and cream.
” “Cream and-- skin? What? I don’t know-- who I am, anymore.
” “Thank the gods you two arrived when you did.
I’m Princess Ileandra of Mylon.
” “I’m Gabrielle.
Where are you headed?” “Pyros-- I’m going to elope with my betrothed, Prince Sarpedon.
” “Mmm-- romantic.
” “Romantic, yes-- practical, no.
I had no idea it was so dangerous outside of the castle.
Would-- you go with us? I’d be so grateful.
After all, you two did save our lives.
” “Ow! Ah! Oh! Ow! Ooh! You! Ahh!” “That is the guy who saved us, isn’t it?” “That’s Joxer.
He saved you.
” “I did? I mean, ah, oh, I did-- I did.
Yes-- umm-- sure, there must have been, uh-- twenty of them-- or more-- or less.
Whatever it was, I, you know-- I-- I tore ‘em apart with my bare hands, so--” “So-- will you help us?” “Ah, Joxer-- are you up to this?” “Of course, of course, it’s all coming back to me, now.
They had cross-bows, right? I mean cata-- catapults? Chariots? Whatever-- I mean, I was very fierce when I-- when I took them out and-- listen, as far as your skin is concerned-- ah, it reminds me of-- cream-- just before it curdles-- ‘cause that’s when it’s the best.
” “There’s nothing like a wedding to bring two families together.
To you, Linius.
And peace to both our kingdoms.
” “And you, Baris.
Peace between our kingdoms.
” “It’s a done deal, Mom-- Give it up.
” “It’s been a long time coming.
Now, to rid ourselves of these pesky temples to Aphrodite.
” “Pesky!” “This one on your land blocks my view of the river.
” “Who would wanna look at a stupid river, when you could look at me? Tell him, Linius.
” “Done.
I’ve always thought this one was ugly.
” “Ugly?!” “Hey, show some class, Mom.
You can’t always have everything your way.
“King Linius.
It pains me to reveal this.
But I feel it my duty as a lady of honor to inform you.
” “I know what you’re gonna say.
They’re eloping.
” “What?!” “Yes-- my spies are more effective than yours, my friend.
Don’t be alarmed.
It’ll just save us the expense of a wedding banquet.
” “Yes-- yes-- good.
” “Careful, Cupid.
You know I always win.
” “It’s not the elopement I speak of.
I saw Princess Ileandra in the arms of another man-- a gallant warrior named Joxer.
” “Nonsense! Take it back, woman!” “Oh, it’s true.
My friend saw it, too.
” “Then I withdraw my approval from the marriage! I can’t have my son marrying a harlot!” “Who are you calling a harlot?! This is vicious slander!” “Perhaps-- but I’m stopping all negotiations till we get to the bottom of this.
” “No! I’m stopping all negotiations until I get to the bottom of this!” “Lust versus love.
You’re just over your head,Sonny.
” “How could you do that?! That’s way not fair!” “All right-- I suggest we continue this conversation when we’ve both mellowed.
I’m outta here.
” “Oh, I guess I love Sarpedon because he’s the most caring, loving, sensitive man you ever want to meet.
” “He’s also-- the luckiest man in the world.
” “I guess that’s-- that’s Prince Sarpedon.
” “What’s he got that I haven’t got?” “Well, Princess Ileandra for starters, and-- muscles.
” “OK, OK, OK.
” “Umm-- I’d like you to meet my new friends.
This is Gabrielle and-- what was your name again?” “Joxer, for the tenth time.
” “Right-- they escorted us safely here.
” “I thank you.
” “Yes, thank you for everything.
” “I’m glad we could bring you together.
” “Bye-bye.
” “Don’t you just love happy endings?” “Yeah-- but just once, I’d like to have a happy ending.
” “Mmm.
” “Wait a minute.
You’re saying I fought all of them and won?” “Yes-- maybe you hit your head, and that’s why you can’t remember.
” “I don’t think so.
” “Mmm.
” “I think it was more like a warrior haze.
” “A warrior haze?” “Yeah-- you know? OK-- enemy’s coming at you; heart’s pounding; your muscles are flexing.
Then your mind shuts down and lets your body take over.
” “Right.
Well, you seem fine, Joxer.
And Ileandra’s with Sarpedon.
So I guess all’s well that ends well.
” “Yoo-hoo! Joxer-- over here.
You disappoint me, Joxer.
I thought you’d cruise the hero wave with the happy couple.
You know make sure they get home safely.
” “Wait a minute.
You mean, Sarpedon and Ileandra need my help?” “Duh! Oh, and one other thing-- “Your beauty inspires me to do the manliest of deeds.
” “Ooh! I am so good; but when I’m bad, I’m better.
” “I’m so happy to be with you.
I never wanna leave.
” “Well-- why don’t we just get married now?” “Here?” “Sure-- the gods are smiling on us.
Our friends are here.
Why not?” “But we need a priest to bless our union.
” “Yeah.
Would, um that one there do?” “Oh, Sarpedon-- yes.
” “Your eyes speak of desire.
Your lips of ecstasy.
” “Hi, Joxer.
” “Sarpedon.
“You ready, my beloved?” “Ecstasy.
” “Soon, my darling, soon.
Ileandra-- I have waited so long for this moment, I can barely--” “Joxer! Hah! There you are.
Sorry.
” “Ileandra, my love-- I tell you from the depths of my soul,-- I love you.
” “I love you-- not you-- him.
” “Ileandra! What is the meaning of this?!” “I think it’s as obvious as the-- deep azure which sparkles in my lady’s eyes.
Ileandra-- has made her choice.
” “How dare you come between us?” “Joxer, cut it out!” “Gabrielle-- a man must do what a man must do.
” “Ah-uh.
” “You will not take Ileandra from me.
” You fight with passion, my friend-- I like that.
It’s too bad you have no skill.
” “This necklace-- is it a gift from you?” “A trinket-- most unworthy of my Ileandra’s beauty.
Where? Who are the-- Gaby? Ow! No! Stop! Wait! What’s the problem?!” “You dare to ask me that, after giving Ileandra a gift of love?” “Gift-- this? Here-- take it! You tangle with the wrong man, my friend.
Go home, gallant boy-- for your only crime is that you love too well.
” “Oh, you set me on fire.
” “I know.
” “That sucks.
Well, you’ve done it, Mom.
You’ve managed to mess up yet another one of my perfect matches.
How can you call yourself the goddess of love?” “Oh, get a grip, Cupie! Love isn’t just about happy endings.
There’s also jealous love, and-- unrequited love, and tragic love.
And when you strip away all the tinsel, it’s really just about hormones, isn’t it? Don’t frown-- it’ll give you lines.
” “No, no, no! No, look! I don’t-- I don’t know what’s going on-- whether it’s some sort of sickness or something.
But I’m gonna find out.
And I’m gonna take you back to the man that you love.
” “I’m with the man I love.
Can’t you just leave us alone? We’ll set the world aflame with our passion.
” “Don’t fight the heart, Gabrielle.
It’s a powerful little muscle.
” “I want to become one with you.
” “Hmm.
” “Can’t we lose your sidekick?” “Sure.
” “I think I’m gonna be sick.
” “And you allowed this man to disarm you-- and steal Ileandra? “He was an excellent swordsman, Father.
Perhaps even better than you.
” “He must be a hired man.
Perhaps King Baris didn’t favor your marriage, after all.
” “He was fierce and passionate.
A man like that can’t be bought.
” “Can you be certain of that? We will attack at dawn.
” “No! Ileandra went with him willingly.
She has feelings for this warrior.
She’s made her choice.
I’m not gonna stand in the way of her happiness.
” “Prepare the men!” “For an attack on Baris’ kingdom?” “No, for an all-out search-- for the warrior named-- Joxer.
” “Yes, sir.
” “No one humiliates my son-- and gets away with it!” “Now, let’s go over this again.
” “I already told you-- I know nothing of this bumbling idiot of whom you speak.
I am the one and only Joxer.
” “Isn’t he magnificent?” “Mmm.
” “Ileandra-- Joxer-- look! Now-- it has something to do with the necklace.
Every time it rings, you change.
How about some cold water? This is ridiculous.
Don’t touch her, Joxer.
Cut it out!” “Come here.
” “Guys, stop it! I’ve had enough of-- oh! It’s gonna be a long night.
Oh, this is so sick!” “He never needs a place to hide-- with Gaby as his sidekick.
” “Sire, we’ll find him!” “Sounds like a small army.
” “It’s probably King Linius.
He’ll be furious I cancelled my wedding with Sarpedon.
” “Don’t be afraid, my love.
” “Ileandra’s right.
They’re looking for someone.
Now, come on-- maybe we can find another way out of here.
” “You’re not suggesting we run, are you?” “Have you got a better idea?” “Hmm-- we stand and fight.
” “Joxer-- I don’t think that’s wise.
” “Whatever happens-- our love will never die.
” “No, but he might.
” “Hold up!” “Look no further-- I am Joxer.
” “Stay together! He’s a dangerous man.
Forward!” “Come! Your destiny lies at the point of my sword.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
” “Joxer, what are you doing? Don’t be a fool.
” “Oh, sold-- oh, oh.
” “Uh-oh.
” “Joxer!” “Take them back to Amphis They’re to be executed for threatening the peace.
” “Wait! They’re my friends.
” “You’re lucky I don’t sentence you to the same fate-- you harlot! Take them!” “Joxer!” “Up you go!” “Joxer!” “It was all a mistake.
” “Yes, and the mistake was yours.
You toyed with my son’s heart when all the while, you loved another.
” “Please, King Linius, let me try to explain.
” “Don’t bother! You obviously chose that I won’t let my son be humiliated this way!” “Wow-- did you hear that? Ileandra’s really in love with me.
She chose me over Sarpedon.
” “No, Joxer.
She chose the other one the other Joxer.
The one who just stupidly beat Sarpedon in Battle, and then romanced Ileandra from under his nose.
” “Wow, I really did that.
No wonder they put me in these chains.
There’s no telling what I might do! Wow, this warrior haze is really great.
I’m gonna put myself under again.
” “Knock it off!” “Ooh! Oww!” “You can’t control it, Joxer.
You’re under some sort of-- hypnotic spell, or something.
Any bell ringing transforms you.
Not just the necklace.
Where did you get it?” “I don’t remember.
” “Well, think about it.
Did anything unusual happen to you that morning?” “Uhhh-- I woke up, and I ate breakfast.
” “After that?” “Um-- um-- yeah, I, ah-- found you-- um-- guarded your rear, met Aphrodite, had a pomegranite-- it had a lot of seeds.
- I don’t like the kind with--” - “Wait a minute.
Did you say you met Aphrodite?” “Yeah-- she was hot, too.
” “Well, she must want to break up Ileandra and Sarpedon.
And she’s using you to do it.
I’m gonna find her.
” “Hey! I know what you’re gonna do.
You’re gonna find a bell to ring, so I can get out of these chains, aren’t you?” “Hah.
No, no, no.
No-- you’re becoming a super-sexy warrior is what got us into this mess.
” “I’m disappointed in you, Gabrielle.
” “What?” “I think you’re jealous.
I can understand that.
I mean-- you wanna be the hero so bad, you can’t stand the thought of me saving the day.
Gabrielle, there’s nothing wrong with being a sidekick.
” “Glad you like it, Joxer.
You’ll make a great sidekick.
Just-- hang in there and keep the faith.
” “I’m not a sidekick; I’m a hero! Joxer the Mighty roams through the countryside, he never needs a place to hide.
With Gaby as his sidekick, fighting with her little stick.
Righting wrongs and singing songs.
Being mightly all day long.
He's Joxer, he's Joxer the Mighty.
Oh, he's Joxer the Mighty, he's really tidy.
Everybody likes him 'cause he has a funny grin.
Joxer! He's Joxer the Mighty! “Enter! Do you have word of Ileandra?” “Yes, King Baris.
The Princess has been taken to Amphis by King Linius and his personal guard.
” “His guard? Why did he need soldiers? And where is Sarpedon? Prepare my horse! I’m going to Amphis to get my daughter.
” “Aphrodite? Aphrodite.
I’d-- I’d like to talk to you.
If you can hear me--” “Could you be any more clumsy?! This is like a brand-new antique.
” “Aphorodite.
” You’re that goody-two shoes that hangs around my boy, Joxer.
” “Gabrielle.
” “Mmm.
” “Ah, Joxer is the reason that I’m here.
Look, you have got to take the spell off of him-- and everybody else.
” “Why should I do that?” “Now, I’m sure there’s a reason why you’re doing this.
But it can’t be worth breaking up Ileandra and Sarpedon.
They’re in love.
That _is_ what matters to you most, isn’t it?” “Ah, gosh-- she sounds like you, Cupid.
” “Cupid-- can you talk her out of this?” “What’s your name, little girl?” “Gabrielle.
” “Gabrielle.
Well, Gabrielle, when the goddess of love decides to do something petty and spiteful, she can be a tad difficult to reason with.
” “So you’re going to let an innocent man die?” “Oh, come on! No one’s really innocent.
Well-- maybe you.
Besides-- I can’t break the spell.
If I did, everyone would think I was pressured into it by some mortal.
My goddess stock would plummet.
” “But--” “I gotta bail.
Bodacious waves at Naxos.
Later.
” “If I can get her to break the spell, can you set everything straight again?” “Sure, but-- there isn’t anything you can do about it.
” “Oh, no.
Get those arrows of yours ready.
” “Hey, where’re you taking me?!” “How could you do this to me, Joxer?” “What?!” “How could you steal the only woman I have ever loved?” “I didn’t mean to.
” “Yeah-- sure.
That’s what all you great warriors say, but you always have to end up with the most beautiful women, don’t you? Tell me, Joxer, what’s your secret?” “Well, I-- try to eat right, exercise, although, uh-- I do get a little constipated sometimes.
You know?” “Having found the accused guilty of threatening the peace-- I hearby sentence him to public execution pubishment to be carried out forthwith.
” “Oh, ah, ah-- listen.
Why don’t we talk about this? I um-- we could have lunch.
There’s a great place right near Akmar the meat man.
Gabrielle, where are you?!” “Sarpedon, please-- stop this insanity.
I don’t love Joxer.
I never did.
I love you and only you.
” “You would say anything to save Joxer’s life right now.
I have seen you with him, Ileandra.
I know you love him.
” “No-- it was all a mistake.
” “Wait, wait! I have a last request.
I’d, um-- love to hear to the sound of a bell ringing.
Call me sentimental, but, ah--” “Denied!” “What a gip--no last request.
I’m gonna notify the executioners’ guild!” “Off with his head!” “Excuse me.
” “Wait! I regret-- that I have but one life to give for, for--whatever it is I’m giving it for! Oooh! Hah! You’ve gotta work on your aim, my friend.
” “Perhaps you used the wrong end.
Hah-hah! For inspiration.
” “Excuse me.
Hello.
” “I’m sorry.
My love, for you is still as strong.
I would gladly die for you.
” “Oh, you’re so noble.
But, would you mind moving? I really must watch him fight.
” “Enough of this play.
” “Are you all right? What--?” “Don’t even bother.
” “Well-- King Linius.
What an honor it is to meet a man known as the greatest swordsman in the kingdom.
I do hope that reputation is not-- unwarranted.
” “You’ve met your match.
” “You’re right.
You’re able to-- parry anything I-- throw at you-- with my left hand.
But I’m right-handed, you see.
Well-- this makes it interesting.
Missed me! Hah-hah!” “Take the fight into the temple!” “As you wish.
” “Ahhh! That was scary.
” “Exsqueeze me! There’s no fighting in my temple! That was a statue of me!” “Not anymore.
You can end this.
” “The only way to end it is to take the spell off Joxer.
” “Well?” “Dream on.
” “Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
” “Not my vase from Thrace!” “Take off the spell.
Take off the spell.
You’re the goddess of love.
Love is soft and gentle.
It’s not violent and cruel.
” “You don’t know much about love, do you?” “I know it’s not war.
Now, look what they’re doing to your temple.
” “All the more reason I don’t wanna lose my other temples.
” “If you don’t stop this, I’ll take Joxer on a tour of all your temples.
” “All right, I give.
He’s the idiot full time, again.
” “Where am I?” “Gabrielle.
Thank you for everyting.
” “You’re a real hero.
” “I’m just an over-achieving sidekick.
Remember, that love is about trust and giving.
It’s not about-- anger and jealousy.
” “She really doesn’t get it, does she?” “Maybe, she gets it better than any of us.
” “Hey-- where’d this come from? I’m sorry-- is this yours?” “Goodbye.
” “Congratulations.
” “Are they afraid of me?” “They are.
” “Oh-- No, they’re not.
They’re disgusted with me.
” “Oh.
” “You know-- now I know what it’s like to be admired by beautiful women and brave men.
Now that things are back to normal, I know what I am-- I’m a big phoney.
” “That’s not true.
” “Stop it, Gabrielle.
You’re the hero here even I know that.
I don’t even rate great sidekick.
Go on back to Xena.
I don’t know why I’m hanging out with you guys.
I don’t know why I convinced myself I ever could.
” “Hi, Joxer.
” “Hi, Xena.
Come to get a laugh at my expense? I can’t blame you if you did-- that’s all I’m good for.
” “Gabrielle told me all about what happened.
You did some very brave things.
” “Yeah, but that wasn’t me.
” “That’s where you’re wrong.
” “What do you mean?” “The gods can’t give us anything that isn’t in our hearts.
Aphrodite just used what was already there.
The real Joxer may not be the best swordsman around, but he’s always had the heart of a lion.
” “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.
” “You calling me a liar?” “No.
” “Well, then-- like I said.
” “How’d it go?” “I cheered him up.
” “Good-- I hated to see him so sad.
You know-- now that he knows the truth, I guess he’ll never be as deluded as he used to be.
Huh!” “Joxer the lion-hearted is ready for action!” “Maybe not.
” “Joxer the Mighty; he's very tidy.
Everyone admires him.
He's so handsome, it's a sin.
If you're in jeopardy, don't call the cavalry.
There's a better remedy.
(Although he doesn't work for free!) He's every man's trustee; he's every woman's fantasy.
Plus, he's good with company.
It's Joxer-- I’m Joxer the Mighty! Hah-hah!”