According To Jim s02e17 Episode Script

Daddy, will you help me with my homework? Okay.
This one here? Mmm-hmm.
"Billy Beaver has $500 to build a house.
"If he spends $100 on lumber "and $100 on bricks, "how much does Billy Beaver have left?" Three hundred dollars? Well, in Beaver Town, maybe.
But in reality Billy Beaver's gonna burn through that $300 really fast.
I mean, you got workman's comp, you got overhead, you got permits, honey.
(CHUCKLES) Unless you got a buddy down at City Hall, wink, wink.
I say the real answer would be minus $500.
So put that down, and if your teacher has a problem with it, have her call me.
What's next? Mommy, will you help me with my homework? (EXCLAIMS) Oh, baby! (SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) (CHUCKLING) What? What? Well, just that, you know, we're at a big fancy party.
Yes.
And I ain't wearing no underwear.
Oh, God.
And nobody knows.
Why do you do that? Well, it's my way of rebelling against the beautiful people.
"The in crowd.
" Whatever you wanna call them.
You mean adults? Yeah, there you go.
Hi, I'm so glad you guys made it.
Hey! Okay.
I need you to start laughing.
Why? Behind me, our regional director.
He thinks I'm cold.
So, laugh like I said something warm and funny.
Okay.
But not too big or he'll think I said something off-color.
My laughs aren't for sale.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, come on! I am no warmer or funnier than the next person.
Can I stop laughing now? Not yet.
Andnow.
Ouch! Oh! You know what? I want you to meet my new friend Lisa.
She just got transferred here.
She is smart and outgoing.
Just a great gal.
Oh, that sounds like someone I have no interest in meeting.
(CHERYL GROANS) I'll be at the bar.
Jim! Oh, thank you.
Oh You know what's a funny name for a city? Bangkok.
I mean, think about it.
You know? Bang Honey.
Hi, baby.
There you are.
How are you doing? Hey, you're missing all the fun.
I don't think so.
No? No, I've been to Japan, Mexico.
And this impish little lager is my passport to Germany.
Oh, I see.
Will you turn around? I want you to meet my friend Lisa.
I'd love to meet your friend Lisa.
(EXCLAIMS) Jimmy! DANA: What? You two know each other? Uh, yeah.
Um Well, yeah.
Jimmy and I went out We dated for, like, what? A month and a half? A year and a half.
Oh, right.
Oh.
A year and a half? Him? JIM: Yeah.
Why? I don't know.
Did you ever just not get a movie that everyone else loves? Well, look at you, Jim.
You're married! Yes.
Yes.
Oh! We've got three kids.
Yeah.
All of them mine.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Well, I can't wait to meet them.
Oh, that's a great idea.
Maybe we'll do that sometime.
We are.
What? Well, uh, Jim, I invited her for dinner on Saturday night.
Is that okay? Is it too weird? (VOICE CRACKS) No! Oh That's not weird! I mean, you know? My ex-girlfriend and my wife sitting down to dinner.
I feel like Warren Beatty.
Oh.
Warren Beatty? You didn't laugh at my thing.
What is the Arabic word for "sandstorm"? What's Arabic? Ooh! Sorry.
The answer is haboob.
My turn.
Uncle Andy, this is too hard.
Oh.
Okay.
How about an easier one? What color is Barney? Purple! Purple! Too bad that's not a real question.
Now, what silent film actress So uninvite her.
Don't blame me.
I'm gonna blame you.
I'm not a Oh, look who's up! BOTH: Mommy! Daddy! Oh, my girls, hello.
You know what? It's very late.
Uncle Andy, would you put them in bed and we'll be right up? Even though I'm not their parents, okay.
Good night, girls.
Good night, girls.
CHERYL: Love you.
GIRLS: Love you.
Love you more.
Love you.
All I'm saying is, next time you invite someone over for dinner, make sure I haven't slept with them.
I don't see why it's such a big deal for Lisa to come over.
It is a big deal, honey.
Come on, think about it, Cheryl.
Just think about it.
When the ex-girlfriend and the wife get together, it's a nasty cocktail.
Come on, Jim.
What? If I uninvite her now, I look like the jealous wife.
Besides, you know, I want her to come.
I like her.
(SIGHS) Jim? Jim? Jim? Cheryl, you better sit down.
Actually, you know what? It's gonna be tougher on me.
I'll sit.
Oh.
Cheryl, what I'm about to tell you, you may not believe.
But Lisa dumped me.
All right.
Now, let's not judge here, okay? I mean, in her defense, I wasn't the catch then that I am now.
(EXHALES) Wow! I feel so much better, honey.
I feel like an has been lifted off my shoulders.
Honey, why didn't you just tell me this before? Oh, Cheryl, I wanted to.
But it just It's embarrassing.
I mean, think about it.
Cheryl, Lisa dumped me.
Dumped me hard.
Oh.
It took me a long time to get over it.
I mean, you can understand that, can't you? Well One time it took a guy a couple of hours to call me back.
Does that count? No, that doesn't.
(LAUGHS) Oh, honey! Of course I understand why you might not want her to come over for dinner.
But, you know, honey, we're all adults here, right? I guess.
Yeah.
And wouldn't it be nice to get past this? (SIGHS) Yeah, I guess.
Yeah.
Good then.
It's settled.
Just wear underwear.
They're waiting for you to tuck them in.
Gracie bit me.
She did? Yeah.
She wouldn't spit out her gum, so I went in after it.
Oh, hey! Hey, how did it go tonight? Not good.
What do you mean? Well, at Dana's party, guess who Cheryl met? Lisa Christie.
Oh, my God.
Your Lisa Christie? Uh-huh.
And you know what's worse? She invited her over for dinner Saturday night.
Uh-oh.
How much does Cheryl know? I just told her that Lisa dumped me, that's it.
That's all? That's all.
You didn't tell her about No, no.
Nothing else.
Nothing else.
But that's where you come in.
When Lisa comes over for dinner Saturday night, I need you to create some kind of diversion.
Like what? I don't care.
Whatever you do best.
I am not gonna make love to your ex-girlfriend on the dining room table.
(LAUGHTER) So, I am looking all over the mall for Jim, right? And, big surprise, I find him asleep in the massage chair in front of the big-screen TV.
No, wait.
And there's this whole group of Japanese tourists around him taking pictures, 'cause they think he's part of the display.
(ALL LAUGHING) Oh, God, Jimmy! That is so you.
All right.
All right, go ahead.
Everybody make their fun.
Go on.
Oh, come on, it's a good story, Jimmy.
CHERYL: Oh, hon, come on.
You know, she's the only person who's ever called me that.
Honey, look, I could have told a lot of romantic stories too, but I'm killing with this stuff.
Killing me with this stuff.
CHERYL: Oh! (LAUGHS) You don't have to tell me how romantic Jimmy is.
This is the guy that shows up in front of my apartment with a horse and carriage (COUGHS LOUDLY) Andy, Andy.
Oh, my Jim! DANA: Andy, are you okay? Uh, piece of chicken down the wrong pipe.
Oh.
We had pork chops.
I didn't say it was from today.
Anyway, go on.
Well, he rents this Yeah.
How about topping me off? And he fills it with flowers.
(SCREAMING) (WOMEN EXCLAIM) Andy, it's just lukewarm.
Oh.
I guess I expected it to be hot.
And therefore gave the appropriate response one would give to the anticipated stimulus.
Okay, Lisa, go on.
Well, um, we drove around Grant Park for about an hour and then And then we called it a night.
Well, I mean, it wasn't the greatest story, but you told it so well, Lisa.
Okay, time for lovely Cheryl's upside-down cake.
And we'll stop making fun of me, okay? Please.
You know we do it because we love you.
It doesn't sound like it.
Aw! You know, if I'd have said yes to Jim's proposal that night, you would not be married to this great guy.
You proposed? (SCREAMS) Cheryl, I wasn't quite done with that pork chop.
(GARBAGE DISPOSAL WHIRRING) And people wonder why giant alligators survive in the sewers.
There's your answer.
You are unbelievable.
What? I told you.
I told you she dumped me.
Yeah.
But you didn't tell me that you asked her to marry you.
You're right.
Yes.
I didn't.
Well I'm gonna tell you right now.
I want you to know that I proposed to Lisa.
Whoo! Wow! All of a sudden I just feel this huge weight off my shoulder.
Like, 80 pounds? Exactly.
I mean, I just feel so light.
I can just dance around.
Cheryl, what're you doing the dishes for? We got people here.
We didn't even finish dinner.
Jim, it soothes me.
Dishes don't have secrets.
Oh, Cheryl.
How could you not tell me that you proposed to another woman? (EXCLAIMS) I meant to tell you, but you know, you're always either pregnant or there's something good on TV or You know, we lead busy lives, Cheryl.
Do you know what bothers me the most? The way you proposed to Lisa.
The carriage and the flowers.
Everything was so romantic.
The way I proposed to you was romantic too.
Uh, we were in a bar.
You were goofing around, you poured beer on my head.
Fine, fine.
I could have gotten you the carriage and the flowers and a singing coachman.
But, you know, is that what you really wanted? She got a singing coachman? (EXHALES) I feel so much lighter.
You know, I always thought that beer proposal was cute, but now I find out you could have done better.
A lot better.
And you did.
Cheryl, look, when I proposed to Lisa, that wasn't me.
All right? That was just a big show.
When I proposed to you, come on, it was fun, it was spontaneous.
And I wasn't trying to impress you.
Well, mission accomplished.
Cheryl, all I know is the best thing that ever happened to me was Lisa turning me down.
Because now I have you.
(CLICKS TONGUE) And look at us.
We're married, we have a house, we have kids.
You know? Got each other.
Got cake we're waiting for.
I guess that beer proposal was kind of unique.
You won't see that in a Meg Ryan movie.
No.
You do love me, don't you? Oh, honey, of course I do.
It's just that I wanna kill you.
Take your best shot.
Come on, come on.
Really? Guys, I am so sorry.
Me and my big mouth.
I should not have said that.
Don't worry about it.
No, I should not have said that.
Absolutely okay.
Oh, Cheryl! What? You took off your engagement ring.
No, that's 'cause I was doing dishes Don't do this.
He never even put it on my finger.
It's the same ring? Hey.
You know what surprises me? How much of that cake was eaten, considering how awkward dessert was.
I mean, that's a compliment to the chef.
Here, you left this.
Oh, thank you.
You're welcome.
Come on, Cheryl.
When I gave you that ring you loved it.
What was I supposed to do? Take it back? No.
Should have waited 11 years and laid it on me while I was cooking dinner for your old girlfriend.
If you recall, I begged you to cancel dinner.
So, why don't we just admit we both made mistakes and move on? How can you possibly think it's okay to give me the same ring you gave Lisa? It never touched her finger.
Come on.
What do you think, it's got cooties? Come on, it's a ring.
Oh! "L.
C.
" Lisa Christie.
You told me it stood for "Lovely Cheryl.
" A lot of things, honey, stand for more than one thing.
Come on.
I mean, you got, for example, AA.
Stands for alcoholics and it also stands for those guys who tow your car.
That's AAA.
(EXHALES) One more letter! You are so anal about your letters.
I'm getting ready for bed.
Cheryl, Cheryl, come on.
I know you're upset.
Move! I know you're upset but wait a minute.
Come on, it was a long time ago.
It's just a ring, honey.
You just don't get it, do you? I don't get anything! (SIGHS) Jim.
A ring is a symbol of love and commitment between two people.
Not three.
Cheryl (CLEARS THROAT) What? I Got nothing.
That makes two of us.
(EXHALES) I hate my toes.
I hate Randy Cooperman.
He called me a poo.
He did? Ugh.
You should just call him a poo right back.
Dana, no.
Come on.
Call him Randy Pooperman.
DANA: Yeah.
Hello, my lovelies.
Daddy's home.
BOTH: Hi, Daddy.
Daddy, can we paint your toenails? (EXCLAIMING) Uncle Andy did them at the office already.
CHERYL: Aw Come here, Cheryl, I wanna show you something.
What? Come on outside, I wanna show you.
Come on.
What are you up to? Jeez.
A guy gets caught telling a bunch of lies and all of a sudden you don't trust him anymore? Yeah.
Come on.
What's Daddy doing? I don't know.
Jim! What is this? This, my dear, is something I should have done 11 years ago.
Oh! For you.
Come on.
Get in.
Honey, it's so beautiful.
I just wanna look at it for a little bit.
Okay.
It's just that I'm renting it by the hour.
We need to shake a leg.
Oh.
Okay.
Thank you.
Honey! This must have cost a fortune.
Well, yeah.
But if Ruby's teeth grow in straight, we'll be in the clear.
Will you look at all this? Uh-huh.
You like it? Look at that.
Oh! Honey! And just for the record, this is a much nicer carriage than Lisa got.
Oh, right.
Forgotten about that.
Well, then, put it out of your mind.
Put it out of your mind.
(LAUGHS) I'm kidding, honey, I'm kidding.
Well (EXCLAIMS) She never got this.
Open it.
Jim Open it.
Oh! It's a bottle cap.
Yeah.
Exactly.
This is the bottle cap that was on the bottle of beer that I poured over you the night I proposed to you.
Oh, honey! Yeah? You saved it all these years? Uh-huh.
Yeah.
(EXCLAIMS) Cheryl, look, I knew I was gonna propose to you.
I just didn't know I was gonna propose to you that night.
(CHUCKLES) It just kind of rushed up on me.
I mean, it was that bar and I had a couple of beers.
Foghat was on the jukebox.
Yeah.
And you looked so beautiful that night.
And your laugh just went right through me.
Oh.
I just got caught up in the moment.
I don't know.
I just Said it.
So that night when we got back to my place, (EXHALING) I had the woman I wanted to marry, I had a spare engagement ring in the junk drawer.
I thought it was fate.
Oh, well Now, I may have bought that ring for somebody else, but, Cheryl, it's always belonged to you.
Oh, honey.
Thank you.
Honey? Yeah.
Can I call you Jimmy now? That is not funny.
No, you can't.
(LAUGHS) It's funny.
Now, as far as the ring is concerned, if you want me to buy you a new ring, I'll do that.
You know that.
Oh It's such a beautiful ring.
You know, it holds so many memories for me.
Yeah.
Get me another ring.
Okay.
Driver.
Once around the block.
(IN COCKNEY ACCENT) Right away, governor.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Giddyup, there, Belvedere.
(SINGING BY THE LIGHT OF THE SILVERY MOON) (ANDY HUMMING) Yeah, this is so much fun! Come on! Move it.
Giddyup.
You need a drink of water, Uncle Andy? Oh, yes.
Please, I am so thirsty.
Too bad that's not a real question! (BOTH LAUGHING) (LAUGHING) Hmm.