All In The Family s02e17 Episode Script
Mike's Mysterious Son
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days [ humming .]
[ Doorbell ringing .]
Coming! Oh! Is Michael stivic here? I'm afraid not.
Can I help you? Well, you see, I've had something of his for four years, and now I'd like for him to have it.
Oh.
That's very nice of you.
What is it? His son.
Son? Oh, no! No, miss-- I mean, come back! I don't think-- please! Missus-- oh, my! She's made a terrible mistake, little boy.
Was that lady your mommy? And Mike-- oh, my.
What are we gonna do? You see, Gloria is upstairs.
Well, here, take off your coat.
I'm sure your mommy will be right back As soon as she finds out it's the wrong house.
What's your name? Is it Billy? Jimmy? Tommy? Will you tell me if I guess it? Oh, dear.
[ Gloria .]
Ma, are you talking to Michael? Uh, just a minute, Gloria.
You see, that's Gloria.
Now, don't let on why you're here.
Uh, it-it ain't Michael, Gloria.
Your name ain't Michael, is it? [ Footfalls descending stairs .]
Hey, ma, what a cute little boy.
Where did he come from? I don't know.
I-I mean, I do know.
Oh, he came through the front door.
That's where he came from.
Huh? Will you help me fix the dinner, Gloria? No.
I wanna know who the little boy is.
Hi there, big fella.
Who are you? Hey, ma, who does he belong to? Oh, um-- some lady.
I don't think you know her.
Oh, don't tell me you're baby-sitting? Yeah, yeah.
Something like that.
Oh.
Hi there, big fella.
What's your name? Oh, ma, look at that.
Isn't that cute? When he pouts he looks just like Michael.
No! No-- oh.
I mean, Mike has a mustache.
Yeah.
I'll bet he's hungry.
You are hungry, aren't you? You see, Gloria? He's starved.
Come on, dear.
Sit over here, and Gloria will go out in the kitchen and make you A nice peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
But, ma, he just said he wasn't hungry.
Little boys are always hungry.
Please, make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Little boy, if we bring you a nice peanut butter and jelly sandwich, would you tell me your name? But you've got to.
Where do you live? What's your mommy's name? - Hi, Gloria, I'm home.
- Hi, Mike.
Hi, ma.
Gloria's in the kitchen.
Oh, thanks.
Guess who.
Um, Ryan O'Neal? Right.
Ooh! You're always right.
Hey, what's that-- what's that you're wearing? It smells nice.
Peanut butter.
Oh, Michael.
Oh, you're makin' a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
But, Gloria, you hate peanut butter and jelly.
Hey, Gloria, you're-you're not, uh-- no, Michael, I'm not pregnant.
Oh, good.
I still hate peanut butter.
Great.
Who's the sandwich for? Our little visitor.
What little visitor? Hey there, big fella, look what I just made for you.
A super-duper peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Hey, who's the little boy? What's he doin' there? He's eatin' a sandwich.
Mike, why don't you go upstairs? I'll bet you have some studying to do, haven't you? Oh, no.
I'll wait till after dinner.
Hey, you know, he's cute.
Hey, you know who he reminds me of? Nobody! I mean, nobody in your family.
Oh, no.
No, that's good! No, he reminds me of one of the guys from school.
Hey, ma, you never did say who his mother was.
Didn't I? I'd better go see how the dinner's doin' in the oven.
It's doin' fine.
I checked.
Who's his mother? Oh! Then I'd better go upstairs and make the beds.
Uh, you made them this morning, ma.
Did I? Yes.
Who's his mother? What is the matter, ma? There's a strange little boy in the room, and all we wanna know is who he is.
Yeah.
Who is he? Well, why are you askin' me so many questions? So there's a little boy in the room.
Is there anything wrong about having a little boy in the room? Is there a law against having a little boy in the room? It's nice having a little boy in the room.
And if you want me to answer any more questions, don't ask me! Gloria, what's with her? I don't know.
Well, stuck on the subway for 30 minutes again tonight.
Arch, uh-- let me tell you somethin'.
The way your mayor Lindsay runs the city's transportation system, a workin' man can get home for supper around breakfast time.
Look, arch-- daddy-- I'll say one thing for mussolini.
He was no bundle of laughs, but he sure could make a train run on time.
Look, arch, uh-- wait.
Ho.
Hey, hold your horses.
Hey, who's this here? Yeah, that's what we were tryin' to tell you, arch.
Well, go ahead and tell me, meathead.
What's with the kid? Well, we don't know.
Mom said somebody brought him here.
I didn't think he grew like a mushroom out of the chair.
Who brought him? Little boy, I brought you a nice glass of milk-- oh, Archie, you're home! No, Edith, I'm still at work.
What you see standin' here is merely a pigment of your imagination.
Edith, who is this kid-- Archie, I need to talk to you.
What? Gee, uh, who's the little kid here? That's just what I wanted to talk to you about.
Well, whoop-Dee-do.
First time in 23 years our minds are "synchrosized.
" Who's the child? He's-- he's-- oh, Archie, we got trouble.
Can't you answer me a simple, three-word question? Who is that kid? What's the big mystery? Oh, Mike! Oh, Archie! Oh, Gloria! Oh, Edith! What is it? Well, you see, the bell rang, and I-- and I went and answered the door, and there was this woman there.
Yeah? And she left the little boy and sort of ran away.
Wait a minute.
Are you telling me that Some woman showed up here at the door you've never seen before, you don't even know, and left the child here? Edith, I mean, you don't know the person.
Maybe that person could be a kidnapper.
That would make you an "accessidy" after the fact.
- Ma, are you sure it was her son? - Oh, yeah.
I'm sure it was her son.
Well, how are you sure? Did she tell you that? No, not exactly.
Ma, what exactly did she tell you? She told me it was your son, Mike.
What? What? What? What? She asked for Michael stivic and just left him here.
Ma, you have to be kidding! - She better be kiddin'! - Michael! That's your son there? Michael? No, no! Of course he's not my son, Gloria.
Get your hands off my daughter, you palooka, and head for the Y.
M.
C.
A.
! Daddy-- daddy, calm down.
I'm sure Michael has a reasonable explanation.
Michael, tell daddy your reasonable explanation.
Well, I mean, it's obvious Some nut left a kid on our doorstep, that's all.
No, no! That ain't all! That kid was left special delivery for Michael stivic! There can't be more than one of them in this world.
Archie, all that proves is that whoever this nut is, she knows my name.
I mean, haven't you ever gotten anything you didn't ask for? I'm lookin' right at it.
Look, uh, Archie, that kid-- I mean, I would know if I had a son, wouldn't I? I mean, look at that kid! He doesn't even look like me! Except a little when he pouts.
Ma, please! Daddy-- daddy, Michael's right.
It's obviously a big mistake.
Of course it's a mistake! It always is! This is a mistake that he made I figure about four years ago.
And look at this.
His mistake is gettin' peanut butter all over my chair! I'll get it off.
Oh, he has it on his face.
Have you got a hankie? Michael, what are we gonna do? Uh-- uh-- I'll call the child welfare bureau.
Why would anybody do a thing like this? Who knows, Gloria? Some stupid reason.
Look.
Here's a picture of the little boy.
We don't need no picture of him, Edith.
We can see what he looks like.
He's standin' with his mother.
Oh.
His mother's very attractive.
Uh, I wanna report a child leaving.
Uh, a child leaving.
Uh-- no, no, I don't mean the child left.
The child is here.
The mother left.
Uh-- yes, I'll hold on.
Michael, here's a picture of his mother.
Do you recognize her? Gloria, if I thought for one second That that boy was my son-- that's Marilyn Sanders.
I mean, I don't understand it, Michael.
In all the time we've been together, you never ever once even mentioned Marilyn Sanders.
- Michael! - [ Grunts .]
Did you fall asleep on me again? No, Gloria.
What makes you think that? I've heard every word you've said all night.
Every single word.
Michael, look at me.
Hmm? - We have some more talking to do.
- More talking? Gloria, it's 5:30 in the morning.
You've said everything there is to say twice.
You miserable creep.
You said that three times.
You're not funny, papa! Ohh! Don't say that, Gloria! Don't say that! You have no right to say that! And you have no right to be that! Gloria-- well, it's true, isn't it? I don't know if it's true! But Marilyn Sanders knows, doesn't she? Gloria, I tried to reach her.
Her phone was disconnected.
There was no address.
There's no way I can contact her! I thought you'd already done that.
Oh, that-- you! Even if it's true, Gloria, I'm a human being, and human beings make mistakes! But most people's mistakes don't walk in the front door and say, "hi, daddy!" Will you listen to yourself, Gloria? You sound like queen Victoria! What happened to the modern, liberated girl I married? She became a mother by special delivery! Look, Gloria, that-- that boy, he can't be my son.
I mean, it's practically impossible.
The odds are all against it.
You went out with her, didn't you? Well, yeah.
I knew her, but not that well.
It-- it was only once.
If I remember my biology right, once is enough.
For fruit flies! With human beings, it only happens that fast in the movies! I don't care where it happened! I just wanna know why you didn't marry her.
Because I didn't love her! Then how could you take her-- because I liked her.
She was pretty.
Thank you.
Oh, come on, now, Gloria.
No, I don't wanna hear You know I didn't mean it that way.
Anymore about her! What was she like, Michael? Well, she had a nice Sense of humor.
Michael, that's not what I mean.
Do I have to spell it out for you? For crying out loud, Gloria! On that subject, I never gave grades! Look, Gloria, I love you.
You're the only one that matters.
No one else ever-- ever came close.
Are you sure? Sure I'm sure.
Hey, before we met, that doesn't count.
I mean, we both had lives of our own.
You went out with other guys.
I never asked you about them.
I figured if you wanted to tell me about 'em, you'd tell me.
Well, Michael, if you really wanna know-- don't tell me! I don't wanna know! Michael! [ Arguing continues .]
Do you hear this? World war III's still blazin' away At 5:30 in the A.
M.
Geez, I gotta get up in an hour, I ain't even been to bed yet.
I know.
I thought I was gonna be able to drop off once or twice up there In a lull in the "hostililities.
" But then the kid kept botherin' me.
Had me in a midnight shuffle.
- What did he want? - Water, Edith.
Half the night he was fillin' up on it, the other half He was gettin' rid of it.
Where are you going, Michael? I'm not going anywhere! Ah, here come the lovebirds.
Michael, you can't run away from the problem! I'm not running away, Gloria.
I just wanna get something to eat.
Will you listen to that! If that guy was on the Titanic, he'd keep on eatin' Till the water come up over his nose! You can't blame him for havin' a good appetite.
Whoa-oa-oa! This bird's got appetites in all directions.
Come on, arch.
Daddy, stop it! Somebody should've told him to stop it before he become father of the year! You stop picking on Michael! Yeah.
She's been doin' a great job of that all night by herself.
And you shut up! I don't wanna hear another word out of you! I've come to a decision.
I've decided to stay with you Whether the little boy is yours or not.
Gee, it sounds like you're stayin' with me out of revenge.
No! I'm staying with you because I love you! Well, if you love me, you better understand one thing, Gloria! I don't think that that kid is mine, but if he turns out to be, he's my responsibility! That's where you're wrong, Michael! He's our responsibility! Look, don't-- what? He's our responsibility.
Look at this here.
A whole love scene done in yells.
Ain't that nice, Archie? Ah, beautiful, Edith.
Well, I've had enough of it.
What are you gonna do? I'm gonna go upstairs and try to get The world keeps turnin' over, and every time it turns it leans on me.
Come here, Archie.
Look.
Ain't he cute? Yeah.
What if he is our grandson? Huh? Once removed.
He can't be our grandson.
Only person in this house he's related to Is casanovski in the kitchen there.
And I want the two of them out of this house, father and son.
Archie-- shh! Don't argue with me! Gloria, I love you.
I love you too, Michael.
What do we got to eat? Michael, why don't you go in the living room and relax, and I'll make you a nice breakfast.
Okay, thanks.
[ Knocking .]
Hi, Mike.
Marilyn.
You remembered.
Sure, I remembered.
Oh, boy, did I remember.
You, uh-- you look nice.
Are you kiddin'? I've been up all night worryin'.
I must look like the wrath of God.
Where's Danny? Danny? Oh, the boy.
Yeah.
Uh, he's, uh, right here.
He's on the couch.
He's sleepin'.
He's fine.
So How you been, Marilyn? Great.
Just great.
I mean, every mother I know goes around givin' her kid away.
I'm in great shape, ya dumb jerk! - I'm sorry, Marilyn.
I-- - oh, forget it.
Why'd you shave your beard off? [ Mike .]
Oh, uh, i got married, and-- [ Marilyn .]
Oh.
[ Mike .]
Uh, how do you like it this way? [ Marilyn .]
I don't know.
I have to get used to it.
Well, before she gets too used to it, Michael, I think you better ask her The $64,000 question.
Who's the snotty kid? Shh! Shh! Listen, here, you-- don't shush me! Did you hear what she just called me? Gloria! Gloria! Quiet! You're gonna wake up the little boy.
Uh, Marilyn, this is my wife, Gloria.
Gloria, this is my old-- Marilyn.
This is Marilyn.
Hello.
Well, are you gonna ask her the question? Uh, yeah.
Uh, Marilyn Uh, I'm not, uh-- no, you're not the father, Mike.
- Oh, thank God.
- What? - I didn't mean it that way.
- Where do you come off puttin' down my kid? You couldn't father a boy like that on your best day you ever lived! [ Voices overlapping .]
[ Archie .]
Will youse two pipe down! Last time I seen you, youse was in each other's arms.
The battle is still ragin' on! But now we see a new platoon in the field.
Who's this? Daddy, ma, this is Marilyn Sanders, the little boy's mother.
Hello.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
The mother, huh? Well, if you've come to pick up the child, you can collect the father too, and the three of youse trot off on a honeymoon together.
Daddy, Marilyn just told us Michael is not Danny's father.
Oh, no? Well, that's the best news I heard all night.
And it's a damn lucky thing for you you ain't! -What is it with you people? You all hate kids or something? -Now, wait a minute.
Now, just wait a minute.
Don't hit us with that "hate kid" stuff.
I mean, you know, we didn't drop the child off on the dead run.
- It was you done that.
- Listen here, chunky! You think it's easy to bring up a kid, hold down a job And look for a husband and a father for the kid all at the same time? Guys you meet today bring you home from a date, take one look at the kid, and it's slam, bam, thank you, ma'am.
You should write a letter to "dear abie.
" You're a panic.
My last kiss-off was a month ago.
This terrific guy, as soon as he found out about Danny, that was it.
And then last week I met this new fella, and I-- and I didn't want the same thing to happen all over again.
So I thought if I could just leave Danny somewhere Until I could get something going with this guy-- but, Marilyn, why'd you pick on me? Oh-- well, I saw you one day in Macy's with blondie there.
Name's Gloria.
I didn't mean it as a rap, honey.
Anyway, the two of you looked-- you looked kind of sweet together.
Happy.
Oh, boy, is this gettin' corny.
Let me take my kid and I'll get the hell out of here.
Danny? Come on, honey.
Mommy's back.
Come on, sweetheart.
We're gonna get your shoes on.
You all right? So you came back because you missed him, huh? No, actually, I came back because he swallowed my diamond earrings.
[ Horn honking .]
Tell the cab to wait.
I'll be right out.
Tell the cab to wait.
She'll be right out, meathead.
- Where's his coat? - Yeah, where's his coat? Oh, right here.
But why don't you keep the blanket so you don't have to wake him, Mrs.
-- miss-- it's missus.
- Oh, I didn't mean that-- - don't worry.
I was married to Danny's father.
But he wanted Danny as much as you people.
[ Archie .]
Hold it there, sis.
You got some kind of nerve sayin' that.
You come into our house, you turn the joint upside down, you cost me a night's sleep.
Then you're gonna stand there and blame your life on us.
Archie, be nice.
Think of the little boy.
Don't be tryin' to make me feel bad about that! What's the use of me thinkin' about him? I mean, there ain't nothin' I can do about him.
You know, look, sis, we got a little house here And a family and, uh-- well, I mean, the best we can do is wish you luck.
Luck.
And God bless us, everyone.
Right? Oh, I hope that poor girl Finds a nice husband and settles down.
Sure.
Well, while all of youse is standin' around here Dreamin' up them charmin' possibilities, I gotta go upstairs, change my clothes and get ready for work.
Daddy, before you go, I think you owe Michael an apology.
I owe him an apology? Well, he owes me Two years' rent.
So we're even.
[ Announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days [ humming .]
[ Doorbell ringing .]
Coming! Oh! Is Michael stivic here? I'm afraid not.
Can I help you? Well, you see, I've had something of his for four years, and now I'd like for him to have it.
Oh.
That's very nice of you.
What is it? His son.
Son? Oh, no! No, miss-- I mean, come back! I don't think-- please! Missus-- oh, my! She's made a terrible mistake, little boy.
Was that lady your mommy? And Mike-- oh, my.
What are we gonna do? You see, Gloria is upstairs.
Well, here, take off your coat.
I'm sure your mommy will be right back As soon as she finds out it's the wrong house.
What's your name? Is it Billy? Jimmy? Tommy? Will you tell me if I guess it? Oh, dear.
[ Gloria .]
Ma, are you talking to Michael? Uh, just a minute, Gloria.
You see, that's Gloria.
Now, don't let on why you're here.
Uh, it-it ain't Michael, Gloria.
Your name ain't Michael, is it? [ Footfalls descending stairs .]
Hey, ma, what a cute little boy.
Where did he come from? I don't know.
I-I mean, I do know.
Oh, he came through the front door.
That's where he came from.
Huh? Will you help me fix the dinner, Gloria? No.
I wanna know who the little boy is.
Hi there, big fella.
Who are you? Hey, ma, who does he belong to? Oh, um-- some lady.
I don't think you know her.
Oh, don't tell me you're baby-sitting? Yeah, yeah.
Something like that.
Oh.
Hi there, big fella.
What's your name? Oh, ma, look at that.
Isn't that cute? When he pouts he looks just like Michael.
No! No-- oh.
I mean, Mike has a mustache.
Yeah.
I'll bet he's hungry.
You are hungry, aren't you? You see, Gloria? He's starved.
Come on, dear.
Sit over here, and Gloria will go out in the kitchen and make you A nice peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
But, ma, he just said he wasn't hungry.
Little boys are always hungry.
Please, make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Little boy, if we bring you a nice peanut butter and jelly sandwich, would you tell me your name? But you've got to.
Where do you live? What's your mommy's name? - Hi, Gloria, I'm home.
- Hi, Mike.
Hi, ma.
Gloria's in the kitchen.
Oh, thanks.
Guess who.
Um, Ryan O'Neal? Right.
Ooh! You're always right.
Hey, what's that-- what's that you're wearing? It smells nice.
Peanut butter.
Oh, Michael.
Oh, you're makin' a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
But, Gloria, you hate peanut butter and jelly.
Hey, Gloria, you're-you're not, uh-- no, Michael, I'm not pregnant.
Oh, good.
I still hate peanut butter.
Great.
Who's the sandwich for? Our little visitor.
What little visitor? Hey there, big fella, look what I just made for you.
A super-duper peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Hey, who's the little boy? What's he doin' there? He's eatin' a sandwich.
Mike, why don't you go upstairs? I'll bet you have some studying to do, haven't you? Oh, no.
I'll wait till after dinner.
Hey, you know, he's cute.
Hey, you know who he reminds me of? Nobody! I mean, nobody in your family.
Oh, no.
No, that's good! No, he reminds me of one of the guys from school.
Hey, ma, you never did say who his mother was.
Didn't I? I'd better go see how the dinner's doin' in the oven.
It's doin' fine.
I checked.
Who's his mother? Oh! Then I'd better go upstairs and make the beds.
Uh, you made them this morning, ma.
Did I? Yes.
Who's his mother? What is the matter, ma? There's a strange little boy in the room, and all we wanna know is who he is.
Yeah.
Who is he? Well, why are you askin' me so many questions? So there's a little boy in the room.
Is there anything wrong about having a little boy in the room? Is there a law against having a little boy in the room? It's nice having a little boy in the room.
And if you want me to answer any more questions, don't ask me! Gloria, what's with her? I don't know.
Well, stuck on the subway for 30 minutes again tonight.
Arch, uh-- let me tell you somethin'.
The way your mayor Lindsay runs the city's transportation system, a workin' man can get home for supper around breakfast time.
Look, arch-- daddy-- I'll say one thing for mussolini.
He was no bundle of laughs, but he sure could make a train run on time.
Look, arch, uh-- wait.
Ho.
Hey, hold your horses.
Hey, who's this here? Yeah, that's what we were tryin' to tell you, arch.
Well, go ahead and tell me, meathead.
What's with the kid? Well, we don't know.
Mom said somebody brought him here.
I didn't think he grew like a mushroom out of the chair.
Who brought him? Little boy, I brought you a nice glass of milk-- oh, Archie, you're home! No, Edith, I'm still at work.
What you see standin' here is merely a pigment of your imagination.
Edith, who is this kid-- Archie, I need to talk to you.
What? Gee, uh, who's the little kid here? That's just what I wanted to talk to you about.
Well, whoop-Dee-do.
First time in 23 years our minds are "synchrosized.
" Who's the child? He's-- he's-- oh, Archie, we got trouble.
Can't you answer me a simple, three-word question? Who is that kid? What's the big mystery? Oh, Mike! Oh, Archie! Oh, Gloria! Oh, Edith! What is it? Well, you see, the bell rang, and I-- and I went and answered the door, and there was this woman there.
Yeah? And she left the little boy and sort of ran away.
Wait a minute.
Are you telling me that Some woman showed up here at the door you've never seen before, you don't even know, and left the child here? Edith, I mean, you don't know the person.
Maybe that person could be a kidnapper.
That would make you an "accessidy" after the fact.
- Ma, are you sure it was her son? - Oh, yeah.
I'm sure it was her son.
Well, how are you sure? Did she tell you that? No, not exactly.
Ma, what exactly did she tell you? She told me it was your son, Mike.
What? What? What? What? She asked for Michael stivic and just left him here.
Ma, you have to be kidding! - She better be kiddin'! - Michael! That's your son there? Michael? No, no! Of course he's not my son, Gloria.
Get your hands off my daughter, you palooka, and head for the Y.
M.
C.
A.
! Daddy-- daddy, calm down.
I'm sure Michael has a reasonable explanation.
Michael, tell daddy your reasonable explanation.
Well, I mean, it's obvious Some nut left a kid on our doorstep, that's all.
No, no! That ain't all! That kid was left special delivery for Michael stivic! There can't be more than one of them in this world.
Archie, all that proves is that whoever this nut is, she knows my name.
I mean, haven't you ever gotten anything you didn't ask for? I'm lookin' right at it.
Look, uh, Archie, that kid-- I mean, I would know if I had a son, wouldn't I? I mean, look at that kid! He doesn't even look like me! Except a little when he pouts.
Ma, please! Daddy-- daddy, Michael's right.
It's obviously a big mistake.
Of course it's a mistake! It always is! This is a mistake that he made I figure about four years ago.
And look at this.
His mistake is gettin' peanut butter all over my chair! I'll get it off.
Oh, he has it on his face.
Have you got a hankie? Michael, what are we gonna do? Uh-- uh-- I'll call the child welfare bureau.
Why would anybody do a thing like this? Who knows, Gloria? Some stupid reason.
Look.
Here's a picture of the little boy.
We don't need no picture of him, Edith.
We can see what he looks like.
He's standin' with his mother.
Oh.
His mother's very attractive.
Uh, I wanna report a child leaving.
Uh, a child leaving.
Uh-- no, no, I don't mean the child left.
The child is here.
The mother left.
Uh-- yes, I'll hold on.
Michael, here's a picture of his mother.
Do you recognize her? Gloria, if I thought for one second That that boy was my son-- that's Marilyn Sanders.
I mean, I don't understand it, Michael.
In all the time we've been together, you never ever once even mentioned Marilyn Sanders.
- Michael! - [ Grunts .]
Did you fall asleep on me again? No, Gloria.
What makes you think that? I've heard every word you've said all night.
Every single word.
Michael, look at me.
Hmm? - We have some more talking to do.
- More talking? Gloria, it's 5:30 in the morning.
You've said everything there is to say twice.
You miserable creep.
You said that three times.
You're not funny, papa! Ohh! Don't say that, Gloria! Don't say that! You have no right to say that! And you have no right to be that! Gloria-- well, it's true, isn't it? I don't know if it's true! But Marilyn Sanders knows, doesn't she? Gloria, I tried to reach her.
Her phone was disconnected.
There was no address.
There's no way I can contact her! I thought you'd already done that.
Oh, that-- you! Even if it's true, Gloria, I'm a human being, and human beings make mistakes! But most people's mistakes don't walk in the front door and say, "hi, daddy!" Will you listen to yourself, Gloria? You sound like queen Victoria! What happened to the modern, liberated girl I married? She became a mother by special delivery! Look, Gloria, that-- that boy, he can't be my son.
I mean, it's practically impossible.
The odds are all against it.
You went out with her, didn't you? Well, yeah.
I knew her, but not that well.
It-- it was only once.
If I remember my biology right, once is enough.
For fruit flies! With human beings, it only happens that fast in the movies! I don't care where it happened! I just wanna know why you didn't marry her.
Because I didn't love her! Then how could you take her-- because I liked her.
She was pretty.
Thank you.
Oh, come on, now, Gloria.
No, I don't wanna hear You know I didn't mean it that way.
Anymore about her! What was she like, Michael? Well, she had a nice Sense of humor.
Michael, that's not what I mean.
Do I have to spell it out for you? For crying out loud, Gloria! On that subject, I never gave grades! Look, Gloria, I love you.
You're the only one that matters.
No one else ever-- ever came close.
Are you sure? Sure I'm sure.
Hey, before we met, that doesn't count.
I mean, we both had lives of our own.
You went out with other guys.
I never asked you about them.
I figured if you wanted to tell me about 'em, you'd tell me.
Well, Michael, if you really wanna know-- don't tell me! I don't wanna know! Michael! [ Arguing continues .]
Do you hear this? World war III's still blazin' away At 5:30 in the A.
M.
Geez, I gotta get up in an hour, I ain't even been to bed yet.
I know.
I thought I was gonna be able to drop off once or twice up there In a lull in the "hostililities.
" But then the kid kept botherin' me.
Had me in a midnight shuffle.
- What did he want? - Water, Edith.
Half the night he was fillin' up on it, the other half He was gettin' rid of it.
Where are you going, Michael? I'm not going anywhere! Ah, here come the lovebirds.
Michael, you can't run away from the problem! I'm not running away, Gloria.
I just wanna get something to eat.
Will you listen to that! If that guy was on the Titanic, he'd keep on eatin' Till the water come up over his nose! You can't blame him for havin' a good appetite.
Whoa-oa-oa! This bird's got appetites in all directions.
Come on, arch.
Daddy, stop it! Somebody should've told him to stop it before he become father of the year! You stop picking on Michael! Yeah.
She's been doin' a great job of that all night by herself.
And you shut up! I don't wanna hear another word out of you! I've come to a decision.
I've decided to stay with you Whether the little boy is yours or not.
Gee, it sounds like you're stayin' with me out of revenge.
No! I'm staying with you because I love you! Well, if you love me, you better understand one thing, Gloria! I don't think that that kid is mine, but if he turns out to be, he's my responsibility! That's where you're wrong, Michael! He's our responsibility! Look, don't-- what? He's our responsibility.
Look at this here.
A whole love scene done in yells.
Ain't that nice, Archie? Ah, beautiful, Edith.
Well, I've had enough of it.
What are you gonna do? I'm gonna go upstairs and try to get The world keeps turnin' over, and every time it turns it leans on me.
Come here, Archie.
Look.
Ain't he cute? Yeah.
What if he is our grandson? Huh? Once removed.
He can't be our grandson.
Only person in this house he's related to Is casanovski in the kitchen there.
And I want the two of them out of this house, father and son.
Archie-- shh! Don't argue with me! Gloria, I love you.
I love you too, Michael.
What do we got to eat? Michael, why don't you go in the living room and relax, and I'll make you a nice breakfast.
Okay, thanks.
[ Knocking .]
Hi, Mike.
Marilyn.
You remembered.
Sure, I remembered.
Oh, boy, did I remember.
You, uh-- you look nice.
Are you kiddin'? I've been up all night worryin'.
I must look like the wrath of God.
Where's Danny? Danny? Oh, the boy.
Yeah.
Uh, he's, uh, right here.
He's on the couch.
He's sleepin'.
He's fine.
So How you been, Marilyn? Great.
Just great.
I mean, every mother I know goes around givin' her kid away.
I'm in great shape, ya dumb jerk! - I'm sorry, Marilyn.
I-- - oh, forget it.
Why'd you shave your beard off? [ Mike .]
Oh, uh, i got married, and-- [ Marilyn .]
Oh.
[ Mike .]
Uh, how do you like it this way? [ Marilyn .]
I don't know.
I have to get used to it.
Well, before she gets too used to it, Michael, I think you better ask her The $64,000 question.
Who's the snotty kid? Shh! Shh! Listen, here, you-- don't shush me! Did you hear what she just called me? Gloria! Gloria! Quiet! You're gonna wake up the little boy.
Uh, Marilyn, this is my wife, Gloria.
Gloria, this is my old-- Marilyn.
This is Marilyn.
Hello.
Well, are you gonna ask her the question? Uh, yeah.
Uh, Marilyn Uh, I'm not, uh-- no, you're not the father, Mike.
- Oh, thank God.
- What? - I didn't mean it that way.
- Where do you come off puttin' down my kid? You couldn't father a boy like that on your best day you ever lived! [ Voices overlapping .]
[ Archie .]
Will youse two pipe down! Last time I seen you, youse was in each other's arms.
The battle is still ragin' on! But now we see a new platoon in the field.
Who's this? Daddy, ma, this is Marilyn Sanders, the little boy's mother.
Hello.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
The mother, huh? Well, if you've come to pick up the child, you can collect the father too, and the three of youse trot off on a honeymoon together.
Daddy, Marilyn just told us Michael is not Danny's father.
Oh, no? Well, that's the best news I heard all night.
And it's a damn lucky thing for you you ain't! -What is it with you people? You all hate kids or something? -Now, wait a minute.
Now, just wait a minute.
Don't hit us with that "hate kid" stuff.
I mean, you know, we didn't drop the child off on the dead run.
- It was you done that.
- Listen here, chunky! You think it's easy to bring up a kid, hold down a job And look for a husband and a father for the kid all at the same time? Guys you meet today bring you home from a date, take one look at the kid, and it's slam, bam, thank you, ma'am.
You should write a letter to "dear abie.
" You're a panic.
My last kiss-off was a month ago.
This terrific guy, as soon as he found out about Danny, that was it.
And then last week I met this new fella, and I-- and I didn't want the same thing to happen all over again.
So I thought if I could just leave Danny somewhere Until I could get something going with this guy-- but, Marilyn, why'd you pick on me? Oh-- well, I saw you one day in Macy's with blondie there.
Name's Gloria.
I didn't mean it as a rap, honey.
Anyway, the two of you looked-- you looked kind of sweet together.
Happy.
Oh, boy, is this gettin' corny.
Let me take my kid and I'll get the hell out of here.
Danny? Come on, honey.
Mommy's back.
Come on, sweetheart.
We're gonna get your shoes on.
You all right? So you came back because you missed him, huh? No, actually, I came back because he swallowed my diamond earrings.
[ Horn honking .]
Tell the cab to wait.
I'll be right out.
Tell the cab to wait.
She'll be right out, meathead.
- Where's his coat? - Yeah, where's his coat? Oh, right here.
But why don't you keep the blanket so you don't have to wake him, Mrs.
-- miss-- it's missus.
- Oh, I didn't mean that-- - don't worry.
I was married to Danny's father.
But he wanted Danny as much as you people.
[ Archie .]
Hold it there, sis.
You got some kind of nerve sayin' that.
You come into our house, you turn the joint upside down, you cost me a night's sleep.
Then you're gonna stand there and blame your life on us.
Archie, be nice.
Think of the little boy.
Don't be tryin' to make me feel bad about that! What's the use of me thinkin' about him? I mean, there ain't nothin' I can do about him.
You know, look, sis, we got a little house here And a family and, uh-- well, I mean, the best we can do is wish you luck.
Luck.
And God bless us, everyone.
Right? Oh, I hope that poor girl Finds a nice husband and settles down.
Sure.
Well, while all of youse is standin' around here Dreamin' up them charmin' possibilities, I gotta go upstairs, change my clothes and get ready for work.
Daddy, before you go, I think you owe Michael an apology.
I owe him an apology? Well, he owes me Two years' rent.
So we're even.
[ Announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.