Batman (1966) s02e17 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
A glorious day for the annual luncheon of the Gotham City Charity Fund.
Uh-oh.
There's trouble on the wing.
- Wait for me.
- Help! Help! I'm being hijacked by Harry Hooligan! Please, won't somebody help me? Foul play in our fair city.
That crooked quack is up to no good.
Citizen Penguin to the rescue.
You foul filcher.
A feint.
I'll teach you to prey on helpless Gothamites.
Penguin, what's going on here? It's me you should be slugging.
What? Citizen Penguin molest a minion of the law? That is inconceivable.
Take care of this poor old man.
The Penguin did what? Floored a thug who was holding up a blind news dealer? Was polite to a police officer? Saved a baby in a buggy from being hit by a truck? And then donated $100,000 to the Gotham City Charity Fund? You're absolutely sure it was the Penguin? All right, Simms.
Keep an eye on him.
- Did you hear all that, chief? -That I did, commissioner.
Oh, that feathered fiend must be cooking up something pretty foul in his bubbling caldron.
There's only one man capable of unraveling this tangled skein.
Hark, is this a dagger which I see before me, the handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.
I have thee not, yet I see thee still.
It's very nice that you're playing the lead in Macbeth, Dick but don't forget that you have a civics exam coming up.
- Yeah.
-Besides, Alfred may be getting uncomfortable.
Oh, not at all, sir.
I've always had a fondness for Shakespeare.
One moment, sir.
Yes, commissioner? I see.
We'll be right down.
Civics will have to wait, Dick.
Penguin is up to some new tricks.
Alfred, you may exercise your familiarity with the Bard.
Did you hear those rumors in the lobby? The Penguin running for mayor.
-It's a free country, Robin.
-It won't be if he's elected.
Besides, I thought convicted felons were barred from holding any official office.
I suspect Penguin has done his civics homework well, Robin and has discovered that Paragraph 34-A of the city charter has never been officially repealed.
It specifically allows convicted criminals to run for public office.
Holy disaster area.
I don't think there's any danger of the Penguin being elected, Robin.
Hmm.
The people of Gotham City are not as simpleminded as he might think.
Thirteen, please.
I'm glad you two are here, Dynamic Duo.
I wanted a chance to say goodbye.
I think you tend to overestimate the Penguin, Mayor Linseed.
The Gotham City News Dealers' Association doesn't overestimate him.
They endorsed him.
Thanks to those shenanigans he pulled this afternoon.
The same shenanigans got him the endorsement from the Gotham City Charity Fund.
Not to mention the East Coast Bird Lovers' Society.
- Commissioner? -Yeah.
Bonnie.
Send in Gallus, Rooper and Trendek.
Gallus, Rooper, Trendek.
- Take it away, C.
F.
-Thank you, E.
G.
Now, this is an accurate depiction of the Gotham City electorate as determined by our famous random sampling method.
Result, 30 percent stated their preference for Mayor Linseed.
- Sixty percent preferred the Penguin.
-And 7 percent were undecided.
What's the fourth line of the chart? Ah, yes.
That represents two old ladies who are backing Harry Goldwinner, the monarchist candidate.
And that, gentlemen, is the big picture.
Now, if you'll excuse us, we have an appointment with the other candidate.
Gallus, Rooper, Trendek.
They're never wrong.
It's hopeless.
I can't possibly beat the Penguin.
He'll use every underhanded political trick in the book.
And he probably knows more underhanded tricks than even I know.
It is true that the Penguin is somewhat devious in his methods, but-- No, Batman.
I don't have a chance.
- There's only one hope.
-Yes? You, Batman.
- Me? - Yes, Batman, you.
You're the only one popular enough to stand a chance of beating that tricky bird.
The mayor is right, Batman.
The Penguin will try to smear whoever runs against him.
You're the only man in Gotham City whose reputation is spotless enough to stand up against him.
You've got to run, Batman.
I can run as deputy mayor on the same ticket with you.
It's the only way we can save Gotham City from the clutches of that feathered fiend.
To run for mayor of a great American city like this one It's a great responsibility but am I worthy of it? If you're not, nobody is, Batman.
Guardian of the people's trust No, no, I'm not worthy of it.
You're the only man in Gotham City who is, Batman.
- You've got to accept, Batman.
-We're the representatives of the people.
And we call upon you to save Gotham City from the horrible fate of the Penguin as mayor.
Very well.
I accept the call of the people.
Hooray for Batman! Batman for mayor! - Hooray! Hooray! -Hooray! Ha, ha! NARRATOR".
Not far away, at Penguin Campaign Headquarters Hey, Penguin, vote for him.
All together! For he's a jolly good Penguin For he's a jolly good Penguin For he's a jolly good Penguin Which nobody can deny All right, back to work, everybody.
When we're through with this campaign, even Mayor Linseed will vote for me.
Gee, I wish I was old enough to vote for you, Mr.
Penguin.
Don't worry, little one, you'll get your chance on my fourth term.
Quick, the latest figures.
How much of a lead do I have in the polls? - None.
-None? Well, just three hours ago you told me that I had 60 percent of the electorate.
- That was a pre-Batman poll.
-Since Batman announced his candidacy - Fifty-five percent favor Batman.
Thirty-five percent favor the Penguin.
Seven percent are undecided.
And 3 percent are still backing Harry Goldwinner, the monarchist candidate.
So old Pointy Ears has thrown his cowl into the ring, huh? Good.
Once and for all, I'll settle matters with that masked moron.
And when I finish with him he won't garner enough votes to be elected dogcatcher.
Hold it.
All workers double the assessments.
Triple the size of the posters.
Quadruple the number of campaign buttons.
We'll give the voters of this city the kind of campaign that they want.
Plenty of girls and bands and slogans and lots of hoopla.
But remember, no politics.
Issues confuse people.
See, a big smile, hearty handshake, a very catchy campaign song.
That's the way to win an election.
Quack, quack, quack.
NARRATOR".
Meanwhile, at Batman Campaign Headquarters Don't you think we should make them a little bigger, Batman? I think these are quite large enough, Robin.
After all, the voters are interested in issues, not in window dressing.
Sure, Batman, but a little showmanship wouldn't hurt us any.
No, Robin.
I wanna conduct a campaign that deals with the issues.
I'm convinced the American electorate is too mature to be taken in by cheap vaudeville trickery.
After all, if our national leaders were elected on the basis of tricky slogans brass bands and pretty girls our country would be in a terrible mess, wouldn't it? I'm sure you don't remember me, Batman.
I'm Harriet Cooper, Dick Grayson's aunt.
Of course I remember you, Mrs.
Cooper.
Welcome to campaign headquarters.
Oh, you always say exactly the right thing.
And I'm sure you're going to do exactly the right thing for the people of this great city: win the election and be an outstanding mayor.
I'm going to try.
The Penguin must be beaten at all costs.
And I know costs run high in a political campaign.
Perhaps this will help.
Too generous.
Not for such an important cause.
This is just my little way of taking an interest in politics.
As all good citizens should.
- Thank you.
-Bye.
Bye.
Holy bank balance.
It's because of people like Aunt-- Mrs.
Cooper that our cause must not fail, Robin.
Mm.
NARRATOR".
And so the campaign begins.
Hey, you, that's against the law.
Well, chief, how does the campaign look to you? I just don't know, commissioner.
At first I thought Batman was a shoo-in.
But that blasted bird has put on a fantastic campaign.
There's nowhere in Gotham City doesn't have one of his ugly posters.
I just don't know, commissioner.
Hi there.
How are you? Hello, Batman.
We came down for your rally, and we're with you all the way.
- Thank you.
I appreciate your support.
-We brought our babies for you to kiss.
- I'm afraid I can't do that.
-What? It's a rather unsanitary habit, you see.
Babies that small are very susceptible to germs.
- My child, unsanitary? -That's not what I meant.
A politician that won't kiss babies? That's outrageous.
I admit it's rather unusual, but-- It's more than unusual.
It's downright suspicious.
It's more than suspicious.
It's downright criminal.
What can you expect from a fake politician like Batman? Well, little darling.
Oh, little darling.
There's the little darling.
Where's the other one? Quack, quack.
Let me see the other one.
Oh! How could anyone not love such a sweet, darling, beautiful child as yours, madam? Anyone except Batman, that is.
I'm giving him a little kissy-kissy.
Don't tell me you good voters are going to go to the Batman rally.
I wouldn't go to his rally if you paid me.
The man's a child-hater.
That's right.
Down the block and to the right.
The Penguin rally is in full sway.
Count us in.
You can't trust a guy who doesn't like kids.
You slimy snake in the polls.
That was a dirty, low-down trick.
Right you are, Masked Muttonhead.
It's one of my lowest.
Politics is wonderful.
I can use all my lowest, slurpiest tricks, but now they're legal.
Oh, I should have been a politician years ago.
Bear in mind, Robin that most politicians are honest servants of the people.
The dishonest ones are the exception.
As candidate for mayor of Gotham City I hope that this campaign will be a sober discussion of basic issues.
I'm glad to see so many citizens who are concerned about their city's welfare and interested in its problems.
I wish Batman would put a little more zip in his speech.
- Chief.
Chief.
-Hmm-- Hmm? Huh? Oh.
Sorry, commissioner.
Couldn't you get Batman to agree to one little brass band? Batman feels that a political campaign should not be a vaudeville show, Mayor Linseed.
But this isn't a political campaign.
This is a funeral service.
I know my opponent is having a rally down the street.
I hope that he too will address himself to basic issues.
Champagne for everybody.
- Hooray for Penguin! -Hooray for Penguin! Hooray for me! Quack, quack.
Vote for Penguin, yes, sirree He's the bird for you and me Clean up Gotham, one, two, three So cast your vote for Pengy Friends and fellow Gothamites The Penguin platform is simple Extremism in defense of vice Moderation in pursuit of virtue My friends, the Penguin Party stands for mother country the flag It's such a pleasure to hear plain, honest talk from a candidate instead of the usual political mumbo jumbo.
--And class! Holy giveaways, Batman.
No wonder we couldn't get anyone at our rally.
Penguin was serving free champagne down the block.
To each his own, Robin.
Penguin depends upon the cynicism of the people while I depend on their good judgment.
Let's just hope that I'm right.
What's on our agenda for the rest of the day? You're scheduled to address two fraternal orders and a women's garden club.
Which is first? The Grand Order of Occidental Nighthawks.
They called and asked you to speak to the members.
The Grand Order of Occidental Nighthawks I wonder if there's any particular significance to that name.
After all, there's more to Penguin's caper than just running for mayor.
If he wins, he'll bleed Gotham City dry.
The Grand Order of Occidental Nighthawks.
Wanna feed it to the Bat Analyzer and see what we get? That won't be necessary, Robin.
G-O-O-N.
Welcome, Batman, to the Grand Order of Occidental Nighthawks.
Thank you.
It's always a pleasure to talk to the voters.
Our members can hardly wait.
Those faces look awfully familiar, Batman.
You're right, Robin.
I recognize three of them from the Gotham City police files.
- I smell a rat.
-Two rats, Boy Wonder.
Can you guess who the cats are? All right, Batman.
Enough with the fancy umbrella play.
Since you're so eager to discuss the weighty issues in the campaign, Batman we've fixed up a little surprise for you.
Well, Batman, it looks like the Penguin put the election on ice, huh? What's going on here? This is outrageous.
How dare you threaten the life of a political candidate? That's an outrage, I say.
Oh.
An outrage.
Look at that.
As the ice melts Batman and Robin will sink lower and lower into this vat.
It's a vat of sulfuric acid.
Ooh.
How horrendous.
I intend to summon the police this very instant.
Uh Oh, dear me.
I seem to have run out of dimes.
Quack! How tragic.
Well, don't fear, Batman.
I shall run to the police station myself.
If I hurry, I should be there in three or four hours at the most, hmm? I am off and running.
Citizen Penguin to the rescue.