Big Nate (2022) s02e17 Episode Script

- The bases are loaded,
and so is my bladder.
Team captain Charlie Benedict
steps up to the plate.
If the Bobcats
can pull off a win,
they'll play in the
Rackleff County Championship
for the first time in history.
All eyes are on Charlie.
- All eyes are on Charlie?
- Yeah, because he's captain.
I mean, can you imagine
if I were captain?
We're talking off-the-charts
historic levels of awesome.
- It's a high fly ball.
It's going, going
- But no, all that glory
is for Charlie Benedict.
- Gone!
PS 38 wins the game.
They're going to the
championship, folks.
Charlie Benedict did it
and just in time.
Ooh!
- Charlie!
- OK, look.
I'm stoked we won.
But how come Charlie
had to be the hero?
Why not me?
I'd love to get all
the glory for once.
[sighs] But that would
take a freaking miracle.
- Oh my God!
Charlie Benedict fell in
the soft cement again.
There will never be
another like him.
OK, who can fit in this hat?
Nate, you're the captain now.
- Hello, miracle.
[upbeat music]
- Don't want to go
to school today ♪
The sun is red hot
and I wanna play ♪
But if I get caught
they'll make me pay ♪
Detention again ♪
- Big Nate, Big Nate ♪
- Math and social studies
just ain't my thing ♪
- Big Nate, Big Nate ♪
- Rocking with my band
is where I'm king ♪
Stealing the teacher's teeth
or bailing on a test ♪
- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
Big Nate ♪
[loud clang]
[loud crash]
- I wanna rock ♪
- Rock ♪
- Oh my God!
- There they are!
- Yeah, Nate, team captain.
Yeah!
- Go get 'em, Nate!
- Oh, yeah,
bring home that trophy.
- Whoo-hoo!
- What's wrong, Fran-Fran?
Wishing you were on the team?
- What?
No.
- Oh, that's right.
We all know you hate sports
because of the incident.
- I believe the scientific
term is ball-a-phobia.
- I thought it was
"ball-itation," you know,
hesitancy around balls.
- Would everyone
stop saying "balls"?
Yes, I've abandoned sports.
But that decision
had nothing to do with--
- B-b-b-b-b-b-b, balls?
- I'm eliminating the
possibility of head injuries
to preserve
my brain for science.
In fact, I have a meeting to
discuss the future of my brain
right now.
I'm interviewing potential
college advisors.
- [laughs]
And is that
April with a tilde?
- [groans]
- Name's Trick Dinger.
My prices are steep,
but I'm worth it.
I'll guarantee
a college acceptance.
- But I haven't even
given you my list
of extracurriculars yet.
- Burn it.
All that matters
are the sports you play.
- That can't be true.
I don't even play sports.
- You do now.
[horse neighing]
- Next!
- OK, kid, you're client
58 out of 8,000 today.
Let's get down to brass tacks.
What sports do you play?
- [groans]
- Hey, hey, hey,
saw your ad, little man.
- Zeff?
- Thought I might
be of assistance.
- No offense, but did you
even graduate high school?
- Psh, I have a PhD in the
School of Life, brother.
Just looking for
a little part-time job
to bring in a little
extra ch-cheese.
- Cheese!
- Got my eye on some tasty
throwing stars, ha, ha.
Little suckers sting, man.
- Right, well, here's my
list of extracurriculars.
- Ahh!
Gosh darn it,
whose scroll is this?
- Frijoles frescos, amigo.
Yeah, man, that means
"cool beans" in Español.
- I don't think
that's how you say it.
- So what sports do you play?
- Isn't anyone impressed
by my extracurriculars
or my 5.0 GPA?
I competed in the NUMBERDOME.
- Self-destruct!
Self-destruct!
- Competition!
Righteous!
Colleges love sports.
- No, I stopped playing sports.
- Oh, man, why'd you go
and do a thing like that?
Don't you want
to go to college?
- Ahh!
- All right, I'm going
to be real with you,
because I like you, Craig.
This mathlete mumbo jumbo?
Useless.
But don't you worry.
I'm sure we can find one
sport that you can play.
- [sighs]
Fine.
I'll try.
Just as long as it
doesn't involve balls.
- What was that again?
- Balls.
- Howdy-ho.
How's El Capitan doing?
Ready to win that trophy?
- You know it.
And it has nothing to do with
my quest for personal glory.
- [yelps]
- Heh, that's a practice swing.
- Now, listen, Nathan.
No pressure,
but PS 38 has never
made it to a
baseball championship
before or any championship.
[sobbing]
We're pathetic.
Nate, this is our only chance
to redeem our 100-year history
of failure.
Our entire legacy rests
on your shoulders.
But no pressure, no pressure.
OK, happy Tuesday.
Remember, no pressure.
- [gulps] My legacy of being
totally awesome is at stake.
Time to get serious.
- Welcome to badminton,
a refined sport
for civilized dudes
like vousand moi.
Just gently hit the
not-ball-shaped birdie
over the net.
- [cackling]
- [whimpering]
- Well, I can see
this is going to take work.
Quest accepted.
- All right, all right,
listen up, Bobcats.
As your new
and improved captain,
it's my duty to ensure victory.
In one week, we are facing the
most important day of my life.
- Don't you mean our lives?
- Silence!
- Ahh!
- [coughs]
As I was saying, we will
be implementing
a little concept
I like to call the three Ds--
discipline, discipline,
and discipline.
- That's just
one D three times.
- Discipline!
[gavel banging]
Peel, peel, peel!
Put your backs into it.
- But my fingers hurt.
I keep scraping my skin off.
- Oh, hey, you know what
those mangled fingers mean?
- Discipline!
[gavel banging]
Crossing this river will
prepare you for the pressure
of the big game.
Think of the
alligators as umpires.
- But wouldn't the
alligators be the other team,
metaphorically, I mean?
- OK, would you
just walk the rope?
- [whimpering]
[alligators growling]
- [panting]
- Uh, Nate, I think
the rope is fraying.
- Is it the rope or your ego?
- Ahh!
- It may have been the rope.
[siren wailing]
[machine beeping]
- PS 38 is cursed.
Our starting lineup
is in intensive care.
- Oh, OK, OK.
We can fix this.
Maybe they can delay the
game until everyone heals.
- Healing is for softies.
In my day, we didn't let
a few boo-boos stop us.
- We'll never win
that trophy now.
What'll we do, John?
- Maybe it's time
you and I headed
for that island paradise
we always talked about.
- Uh, we've never talked
about an island paradise.
- Then who did I
marry in Vegas?
- OK, would you snap
out of it, fellas?
This championship and my
glorious, yet selfless victory
can still happen.
We just need to find
some replacement players.
- This will look so good
on my college applications.
Everyone knows colleges
go nuts for sports.
- This is so exciting.
I mean, I thought
I actually had to be
athletic to be an athlete.
Rude.
- I have never before
been part of team.
In Stylgravia, all sports
are played in solitude
to encourage self-discovery.
This is why we play
with no clothes on.
[together]
Eww.
- Someone put a barrel on him.
- Educational.
- Ahh.
- All right, all right,
everyone, listen up.
I can't believe
I'm saying this,
but you are the last
remaining hope for PS 38
to win the championship.
This is your moment, Bobcats?
So get out there
and make me a hero.
[school bell ringing]
- OK, bud,
this game is called squash.
- Uh, this is really a sport?
- Of course it is.
Why else would they make
a vegetable that
goofy-looking, man?
Now, go ahead.
Whack that nom ball
against the wall.
- Actually, botanically
speaking, squash is a fruit.
But I get your point.
[inhales, exhales]
I can do this.
[bell dings]
[all cackling]
- Ahh! Ahh!
- Wonder if we were
supposed to peel it first.
- [grunts]
- Kim, after you hit
the ball, you have to run.
- I'm not a runner.
I'm a dancer.
- Finally it's happened
to me ♪
Right in front
of my face ♪
- [laughing]
- Somebody help!
I want off this ride!
- [sighs]
OK, Chad, I'm going to
lay it in nice and easy.
Keep your eye on the ball.
- Oh, I don't have to keep
my eye on the ball, Nate.
With biological sonar, I know
exactly where it's going.
- Biological so what now?
- Biological sonar,
or echolocation,
you know, like a dolphin?
[chirping]
- OK, Gina, what are you doing?
There's no writing in baseball.
- Excuse you, brainless?
I am taking notes.
- [groans]
Oh, OK.
Lose the notebook,
Gina, and take a lap.
Hillary, your turn to pitch.
Batter up.
[dramatic music]
- Huh?
♪
- Ugh, maybe Francis had the
right idea to quit balls.
- [screaming]
- It's hopeless.
I failed at every
non-ball sport.
I'll never get into college.
- I'm also a crisis hotline
counselor in training.
Unload your burdens, brother.
- I suppose there's
no harm in telling you.
Believe it or not,
only one short year ago,
I was on my way
to becoming a baseball hero.
I was having a great game.
I already had two hits.
We were down by 3,
and the bases were loaded.
- Heh-heh.
- Heh-heh.
I swung my bat, and then--
[all gasp]
- --I ran.
Crowd went crazy
cheering me on.
I'd done it!
Won the game!
[laughter]
- Or so I thought.
Something was wrong.
They weren't cheering.
They were laughing.
[laughter]
Then I saw it, the ball
in the catcher's mitt.
I was so caught
up in the moment,
I hadn't realized I'd
missed the ball completely.
I ran the bases
like a pea brain.
We lost,
and they just kept laughing.
I failed everyone.
- Oh, man,
little bro, that's rough.
What'd you do then?
- The only thing I could
do, I ran home crying
and vowed never to put myself
or my team in a position
like that again.
- Oh, man, I know I'm a
professional in training,
but can I give you
a hug or some hard candy?
- Please, no.
Now do you understand
why I can never play sports?
- Oh, now, hold on.
I'm sure there's
something we can do.
Here we go.
Crisis hotline manual says,
"Make sure and get
a callback number
in case you get disconnected."
Hey, you may receive
a questionnaire in five
to seven business
days asking how I did.
All 5s gets me a free
hot yoga workshop.
- Namaste.
- And then the
entire village was
attacked by angry chinchilla.
[all gasp]
- That does it.
- Ah, Captain Nate, please
have a seat for story climax.
As I was to say--
Ahh!
- The championship is
days away, and none of you
are ready.
Archer, enough with the
Stylgravian horror stories.
Kim, this isn't a dance class.
- [groans]
- And, Chad,
you're not a dolphin.
- We don't know that.
- Gina, get your nose
out of your notebook.
And, Hillary, you're slower
than a sloth in a sack race.
Pick up the pace.
[bubble pops]
- [sobs]
Make it stop.
- All right, you know what?
Never mind.
Here's what's going to happen.
I'm going to put you
right where I need you.
Don't try to win.
Don't do anything.
Don't even move.
I will win the
championship for us.
- Batter up.
- Oh.
- Whoo!
Hoo-hoo!
I am the luckiest
barrel boy in the world.
- Oh-oh, I got it.
- No!
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
Up you go, Chadwick.
- Ahh!
- Wah!
- Nate!
Watch out!
- [screams]
Oh!
[whimpers]
[slurping]
Ugh.
After I live out the rest of
my days in this human fishbowl,
my gravestone
will say, "Here lies
Nate Wright, not a champion."
- And that's what
it was all about--
- [groans]
--wasn't it?
I thought you just
broke your leg.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, my dad has
a small, but impressive
iron lung collection.
Wait, what are you doing here?
- I brought a little memento
from our time together.
- Uh, why would
I want a memento
of any time spent with you?
- Just read it, pinhead.
- [groans]
Fine.
"When Kim dances
on the base paths,
"she confuses the defense
and steals bases easily.
"Chad's batting average, when
using echolocation, is 965.
Hit hockey puck into the"--
check it out,
a light bulb moment.
Yep, I just might
be able to make
this team a winner after all.
[laughs] How did-- oh, wait.
With me stuck
in this tin coffin,
we're still one player short.
[gasps]
- Ugh. Can I help you, sir?
- Francis, we need to talk.
- Francis, the failed athlete,
can't come to the door
right now.
I'm fast-food Fred.
Would you like fries with that?
- Yeah, I don't have time
to care about whatever's
going on here.
I need you to play baseball.
- Baseball ruins lives,
so this is my future now.
- OK, OK, what if I told you
I have a foolproof,
100% non-mockable way
for you to play baseball?
- Please pick up your order
at the kitchen window.
- OK, I'm going
to take that as a yes.
- Two minutes till
game time, miscreants.
If you can't fill the
ninth spot in your lineup,
you'll have to forfeit
the championship game.
[cackling]
- What are we even doing here?
Our own captain
doesn't believe in us.
We stink.
- Wait.
Just give it
a little more time.
Come on, Nate, I'm not
getting into any colleges
by losing a championship game.
- Hey, guys,
I'm sorry I'm late.
- Ugh, can we hurry
up and forfeit now?
- Ha, ha, ha, oh, no.
We're not forfeiting, Bobcats.
We're playing.
- But we don't have
enough players with you
and your freaky contraption.
- Really?
My freaky contraption?
- It's a lifestyle choice, OK?
- Look, this is our ninth
player and our new catcher.
- Hey, guys.
- I thought you
said we were weirdos
who can't play baseball.
- I stand by that first part.
You guys are pretty weird.
[all groaning]
- But I didn't understand
at first what each of you
brought to the team.
Your weirdness actually
makes us better.
I'm sorry, guys.
A good captain listens to
his team, and well, I didn't.
I was too busy
being a glory hog.
It took losing
the use of my body
and being encased in a
pre-World War II life-support
system for me to see that.
- Lucky.
- Kim, I want you to
dance harder than you've
ever danced before.
- [chuckling]
- Chad, it's time to activate
your inner dolphin.
- [gasps]
[chirps]
- Artur, be the best nude
barrel boy you can be.
- [laughs]
Yay!
- And, Gina, I want you
to do what you do best.
- Ew, it's all sweaty.
- Yeah, sorry about that.
I have a gland issue.
Anyway, get out there and play
the weirdest and most awesome
game of baseball
this town has ever seen.
[all cheering]
- OK, you ingrown hairs,
let's play ball.
- All right, Francis,
you're up first.
- First?
First?
I don't know if I can do this.
- Buddy, buddy,
do you trust me?
- Uh, well, based on our
shared history, much of which
involves mental trauma
or physical injury, no!
- Look, you won't even
have to hit the ball.
I have a plan.
- Chop, chop, Mr. Pope.
[inspirational music]
♪
- Bleh.
- Ahh, my eyes!
- Oof.
- Hit by pitch.
Batter, take your base.
- This is your plan?
- You got on base, didn't you?
- Francis Pope gets hit by the
pitch and walks to first base
as we officially
start the Rackleff
County Championship game.
Up to bat
is Gina Hemphill-Toms.
- Still believe,
still believe ♪
- The pitch was five miles per
hour slower than your last.
You're already
losing steam, dorkus.
- [sobbing]
- Ball four.
Gina, take your base.
- [chuckling]
- [chirping]
- This is for all the dolphins
who never had a chance.
- I can do anything ♪
[dramatic music]
- [chirps]
[cheers and applause]
- Got to rage
every day on the inside ♪
The only thing I do
is sit around and kill time ♪
I'm trying to blow
out the pilot light ♪
I'm trying to blow
out the light ♪
- Take your base, Francis.
- Was young enough not
to know what to believe in ♪
- Oh. Oh.
- Ahh!
- If I can live
through this ♪
If I can live
through this ♪
♪
- [moans]
[snoring]
- Strike three!
[cheers and applause]
That's another
strikeout for Hillary
and her famous changeup,
the creeping doom.
- If I can live
through this ♪
- [gasps]
- Caw, caw, caw, caw.
- Ugh!
- Oh, for Pete's sake.
What is this, target practice?
- Anything, yeah, yeah ♪
- Ah!
- [grunts]
- [groans]
- Safe!
- And that's another
run for the Bobcats,
thanks to
Kim-can't-catch-her-Cressly.
[laughing]
[dramatic music]
Well, folks,
this very, very strange game
has come down to this, bottom
of the ninth, two outs.
The score is tied, and Francis
Pope steps up to the plate.
Ha-ha.
- [whimpering]
- I know what you're
up to, Nate Wright,
and it's not going
to work this time.
I am confiscating
your accoutrements.
- [groans]
[screams]
[chuckling]
- What are we going to do now?
- There's only one
thing left to do.
You're going to have
to hit the ball.
- You said I could trust you.
- Francis, you can do this.
Just focus on hitting the
ball, like I know you can.
I'll take care of the rest.
- But they're all
going to laugh at me.
- I'm going to laugh at you.
- [sighs]
No.
They're all going
to laugh at me.
[dramatic music]
[screaming]
[moaning]
[laughter]
- They're not laughing at me.
- Hey, get your head
back in the game
and throw the dang ball.
[inspirational music]
♪
- [cackling]
- I can do this.
- Ahh!
♪
- Ugh!
[screams]
[groans]
♪
[bell dings]
- That's it, folks.
PS 38 wins.
Unbelievable!
[cheers and applause]
An incredible
moment for Francis Pope
and a horribly
embarrassing
moment for Nate Wright.
[laughter]
♪
- [sighs]
Oh!
[upbeat music]
- Take me out to
the ball game ♪
Take me out with the crowd ♪
Buy me some peanuts
and Cracker Jacks ♪
Crunch, crunch,
I don't care ♪
If I ever get back ♪
Oh yeah, take me
out to the ball game ♪
Take me out with the crowd ♪
Nailed it.