Bizaardvark (2016) s02e17 Episode Script

1 Hi, guys! Today we are doing "Balloon Drop Pop.
" Where a bunch of balloons are gonna fall, and we're each gonna try and grab the balloon that matches the color we're wearing.
Then, put it in our basket.
You can also pop any color balloon that isn't yours.
The person with the most balloons in their basket at the end of the game wins.
Drop the balloons! (ALL SHOUTING) Yes! (BALLOONS POPPING) (SCREAMING) Uhh! DIRK: Hey! (BALLOONS POPPING) Well, uh, I think these two definitely lost.
- It's his fault, no, it's their fault.
- We would've won How could it be, we had a three-way tie? Great job, guys.
- Girl power.
- Whoo, whoo, whoo! Thanks for watchin' "Balloon Drop Pop".
Hope you guys enjoyed.
- No! - (GIRLS SCREAM) BOTH: You could spend all day On a swing eating a baguette But why do boring things like that When there's the Internet? Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! - Let's go make some videos - Hey! You could watch Dirk doing crazy dares - Saying, "Here we go" - Here we go! He'll do anything you want Just don't try this at home Or watch Amelia teaching ya How to look your best Making over people is her never-ending quest You could watch Do you have constant foot odor? You could watch us make ridiculously funny videos Like the one with evil pop-up books That punch you in the nose Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos And I I missed it.
Well, team we built the Parthenon.
And only a week past the due date.
Partial credit high-five? PAIGE/FRANKIE: C-minus! Well, I think we've earned ourselves a burrito break.
Bernard, is that hot sauce? Uhh, it's Paige's! It's only mildly hot.
Wait Why am I nervous about this? Every time he uses hot sauce he rubs his eyes, runs around screaming, and slams into the walls.
Then I have to figure out if the carpet's stained with hot sauce or blood.
Just do the lick test.
I'm not doin' the lick test! Speaking of stains, you were supposed to clean the bathroom floor.
If I'd known about his aiming issues, I woulda got yellow tiles.
FRANKIE/PAIGE: Eww! Grandma! My house, my rules.
If you don't like 'em, you can find somewhere else to live.
Oh, man, I have to go to the bathroom, but I don't wanna go somewhere that disgusting.
I'm gonna go use that abandoned porta-potty in the alley.
GRANDMA: And stop eating the toothpaste! Stop buying all the delicious flavors! Man, this stinks.
Where's Paige? - Oh, she left.
- Bummer.
I could really use a friend to talk to.
What do you mean? I'm here.
Yeah this isn't really your thing.
I go to Paige when I need helpful life advice.
I go to you if I need a snarky comment, or something with glasses.
Ay! I'm a good friend! Tell me what's wrong.
It's Grandma.
She never lets up! She treats me like I'm a baby.
Sorry if I'm a little cranky, I haven't had my juice yet.
(SLURPING NOISE) All right.
Helpful friend advice.
I can do this.
What if you stood up to Grandma? I can do that? Yeah.
You're not a little kid anymore, you're 15.
You're almost a man! Yeah, you know? I found a chest hair today.
- Oh.
- It's either Dirk's or Grandma's, but, I did find it.
Ahhh! Why are you so excited? Is there some kind of sea otter parade today? No! That's next month in Vancouver.
Jessie Grant is coming to Vuuugle to film a video! Who? Never heard of her.
Are you serious? She's awesome, she's a total weirdball who sings quirky songs.
Here, watch.
Nobody knows that I can't play piano It looks so flawless when I play these keys My singing is great You can't tell I'm lip synching Now watch me play this beautiful song (ELEPHANT TRUMPETING, EXPLOSIONS, A-OOGA HORNS) - Hi! - Ahh! Jessie Grant! I love you! Do I? I don't know! What? (SCREAMS) Wow! It's always nice to meet fans.
Oh, I'm not a fan.
I find you off-putting.
You're funny.
Do you want an autograph? Sure.
Do you know anyone famous? (LAUGHS) I'll take that as a no.
(LAUGHS) I'll take an autograph.
You can sign my face! I'm sorry.
That was weird.
You can sign my face.
Tempting, but I actually have to set up for auditions.
I'm picking one Vuuugler to co-star in my video.
Co-star in your video? I mean, cool.
Cool, cool.
Are you looking for songs or jokes, or Ah, cool, cool, you're walking away from me now.
Well, see you soon! But not if you see me first! (LAUGHS) Oh.
Well, that went well.
Bernard, did you eat my bananas? You know you're not allowed to eat pointy fruit.
(THINKING) Remember what Frankie said.
You don't have to take this.
You know what, Grandma? I'm sick of you treating me like a baby.
Excuse me? I do not like your tone, young man.
Oh no, you guys are fighting during movie night? BOTH: Yes! Well, I guess I'm watchin' this movie now.
I'm tired of how strict you are.
I've said it before, my house, my rules.
Mm-hm, she has said that.
If you don't like 'em, you can find somewhere else to live.
Maybe I will.
I really have to go to the bathroom, but I don't wanna miss anything! Bernard, close that door.
Close the door.
Close the door! Bernard Miriam Shotz.
If you leave this house, there will be consequences! - (GASP) - (WHISPERS) Consequences.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Hey, Bernie.
Hey, Frankie, great news.
I took your advice.
I stood up to Grandma, and I feel like my entire life changed.
You see! I can be a good friend.
From now on, when you need help, you come to Frankie Wong.
Great! Because I ran away from home, I have nowhere to stay, and I'm right outside your door.
What? Hey, hey, roomie, what's the juice box sitch up in here? What's up, guys? I'm Paige.
I'm Frankie.
BOTH: And we're Bizaardvark.
Today, we're going to make our favorite dessert, chocolate chip cookies! We have everything we need except the recipe.
We are going to do our best.
It could be delicious.
Could be terrible.
Yeah, just like life.
That's deep, man.
- I'm gonna start with the dry ingredients.
- All right.
I'm gonna start with the wet ingredients.
- So I'm gonna put Ooh.
- I'm gonna do butter.
What is this? This is a cup, I think.
- Gonna use the sugar? - It's gonna be a little too sugary.
- I can feel it in my bones.
- That's not a thing.
- Ahh! - (LAUGHING) Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! No, you have to Ahh! (LAUGHS) (LAUGHING) (BOTH LAUGHING) I feel like I did a great job.
I feel like I did a great job, too.
Now let's bake 'em! - (TIMER DINGS) - Let's see how they turned out.
- (BOTH GASPING) - Ohh! - Oh my god! - (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) - Yours look so better.
- Mine are literally perfect.
Look at them.
- What is this? - (LAUGHING) - All right.
- (LAUGHING) - (CRUNCH) - Mmm (LAUGHING) Ooh, my gosh, there's so many pointy fruit! And so many hot sauces! Dad, I don't know what happened.
I I told him to stand up for himself, but I I didn't think he'd run away from home.
I I I thought he was smarter than that.
BERNIE: Ahh! I got hot sauce in my eyes! Well, I just got off the phone with his grandma, and I told her he's here and he's safe.
Ahh! I stabbed myself with a pointy fruit! So, what are your plans for getting out of this? - What do you mean? - Frankie, I love you.
But, when it comes to helping others, you're really good at asking Paige to handle it.
First of all, I resent that comedic pause.
And why does everyone think that about me? I care about Bernie.
I'm a good friend.
Ahh! I put the hot sauce on the fruit, - and now they're both in my eyes! - (CRASH) - Uhh - Bernie? I'm here for you.
I'm gonna help you through this tough time.
You can stay as long as you want.
Frankie? Is that you? I'm hearing Paige's words but it's your voice.
This is gonna be a mess.
Bernie's movin' in And Frankie's new life is terrible He's lifting weights in the evening - And he's grunting like a goat - (GOAT NOISES) He's storming in at 3 AM 'Cause he can't work the remote He's digging for toys in the cereal And he's not using a spoon By the way, I'm sick.
(SNEEZES) And he's back in the room to wake Frankie up 'Cause he's frightened by racoons Frankie! Their hissing sounds like sprinklers! Those are the sprinklers! Ohhh.
Bernie's movin' in Coo.
Coo.
Next.
(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING) I'm gonna put that in the maybe column.
Next.
Hey, how's it goin' with Bernie? - Not good.
- (SIGHS) You're not the only one.
Dirk told me Bernie leaving has been rough for him, too.
Add more weight! More! There are no more weights! (GROWLING) This is normal.
This is normal.
This is normal.
This is normal.
What am I gonna do? I I wanna be a good friend but Bernie is driving me nuts.
D Uhh Make him move out? I can do that? I I don't know, Frankie, I really gotta focus on my audition for Jessie's video.
Ooh! I'm next! Should I tell Jessie how much I love her before I audition, or after? Or both? Both might be best.
Paige, don't come on too strong, you'll freak Jessie out, and make her wanna leave and never come back.
- That's it! - (BELL DINGS) Oh, no the guy from the Lightbulb Channel is auditioning? He's got one bit, but man, it's good.
No, if I come on too strong and pretend I have a crush on Bernie, it'll weird him out and and he'll wanna go back home.
That's a good friend thing to do, right? - Paige Olvera? - Yes! That's all I needed to hear, thanks! Hi.
Don't you hate it when you type something on your phone, and your phone changes it to what it thinks you were trying to type? This is "The Auto-Correct Song.
" I look up in the sky and see white fluffy clowns I turn on my tunes and play them really luggage Hergen-bergen-dergen smergen-lergen My dumb phone thinks that actually a word (LAUGHS) That was really funny.
Next.
W Hey, wait, what do you mean next? Sorry, it's just not what I'm lookin' for.
Hey, funny girl from yesterday.
Do you wanna be in my video? AMELIA/PAIGE: What? Why would I want to be in a stupid video with someone I'm not even a fan of? (LAUGHS) Oh, this girl never turns it off.
Well, uh, if you want Amelia, you're gonna take me, too.
We're a package deal.
No, we're not.
We're a package deal.
Oh, wow, I love this chemistry.
You're both in.
See you tomorrow.
This is actually happening! Aren't you so excited? Say yes! Yes? Frankie, where do you guys keep the Whoa.
Is that a candlelit dinner? It is darling.
Bernie, having you here the past few days has made me see you differently.
Man, this is good! Can I have some of yours? Eat all you want.
I like a man who's hungry.
Uhhh, Frankie? Is everything okay? Why? Am I making you uncomfortable? No, your eyes are just real blinky.
It's gross.
Maybe see an optometrist? Bernie, I want us to be more than friends.
Serious friends.
(WHISPERS) Mi amor.
Yes.
Me would love some more.
Bernie, I want you out! Of Of my Of my mind.
Because I can't stop thinking about you.
Wait this is weird.
Are you trying to get me to leave? No! Y You're the man of my dreams.
All right, well, if I'm the man of your dreams, then we should kiss.
On the lips.
Well, you're in luck.
'Cause that's where I'm gonna kiss ya.
No, I can't do this! I knew it! You just want me gone.
Fine! I tried to be supportive, but having you here is just too much.
Well, I'm not going home.
But I'm definitely not staying here.
You're a bad friend, Frankie.
And by the way, you and me I think we should see other people.
Hey, guys, I'm Bernie, and this is Don't say our names! We're on a mission.
Sorry, Agent Dirk.
So we must maneuver through these lasers in order to retrieve the most sought after jelly beans in the world.
- Here we go! - Okay.
This is where your size comes to good use.
- It's a no-go over here.
- Ahh! Ahh! Ahh, they've got your leg! Warrior pose! Dirk jump! Ooh, ooh, ooh! (YELPS) DIRK: Karate kid! Aah! Aw.
Why am I better at this than you? - I'm getting up! - You're half my size! - Yes! - We got 'em! - We got the jelly beans! - Yeah! DIRK: Let's go celebrate! Whoo! (ALARM GOING OFF) I'll save you! - Ahh-ahh! - We gotta go! Dirk! Have you seen Bernie? He stormed out of my house last night.
Look as his best friend, I don't think I should be talking to his ex-girlfriend.
I was faking the whole thing.
Yeah.
He said you'd say that.
He spent the whole night in the Dare Lair, if you wanna go apologize.
I'm rootin' for you two! Yeah, everything's great, Grandma.
I've been bouncin' around since I left.
Hung out at Frankie's place, and last night I slept in Dirk's cannon over there.
Oh! You got a little somethin' on your face.
Lemme get it.
- Bernie, what are you doing? - Umm, nothing.
Nothing.
Just dressing up Punching Bag Man like Grandma to work out my feelings, because I miss her so much.
Agh, I said it all.
What do you care, anyway? Bernie, I'm sorry for what I did.
I I I wanted to be a good friend, but I I messed up.
Is it true what you said about Grandma? You really miss her? Yeah.
Then why don't you go home and tell her? No way! If I go crawling home now, she'll just keep treating me like a baby.
I'm good here.
(BOOM) I should probably sleep on the floor tonight.
Dirk! We have to get Bernie home.
He really misses Grandma.
Yeah, I think she misses him, too.
What makes you say that? I miss you so much! I don't know.
She could also be fine.
She's tough to read.
If we could just trick Bernie and Grandma into being in the same room at the same time, they'd be forced to talk it out, and Bernie would move home.
What if we turned this phone booth into a time machine, and go back before Bernie and Grandma were fighting? Ahh, that wouldn't work.
We don't have any time juice.
Or, we just lock them in the phone booth until they make up.
I don't know, you lost me at time juice.
You said time juice.
Whoa! Now I see why Bernie broke up with you.
Amelia, where have you been? Jessie's ready to start.
Yeah, I just came to say I'm not doin' this.
W I don't get what she does, and being in her video would be bad for my brand.
I mean, look at her hair color.
Ugh! What is that? Uh But it's it's basically the same as you Amelia! Please, this is a really big deal.
The only reason Jessie is letting me be in her video is you.
If you're out, I'm out.
(SIGH) You're lucky I really like you.
All right, let's do this.
Okay, before we start, which one of you wants her name in my song? Oh my gosh, me! Please, me! Paige Olvera! Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please! Anyone but me is fine.
Great.
Stand over there and follow my lead, ladies.
I can't believe I'm gonna be in a Jessie Grant video! I can't believe I'm gonna be in a Jessie Grant video! Hey, guys.
This is a song about an animal that bit me at the zoo once, and I've felt a personal vendetta against it ever since.
Ooh, a vendetta video, I can't wait to see where this is going.
It's called "I Hate Sea Otters.
" What? Sea otters stink My hatred never ceases So now Paige Olvera's gonna blow this one to pieces (GASPS) No, no, no, no, no, no, this is this is sick, and I cannot be a part of this! - Quick selfie.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Shame on you! I love you! Bernie, you are gonna love this surprise, 'cause it might involve meeting the puppeteer behind your favorite TV show, Princess Puppets.
Great.
I'm going to thank that man for his contribution to this planet.
Roz, you are going to love this surprise, because it might involve meeting the puppeteer behind Bernie's favorite TV show, Princess Puppets.
Great! I'm gonna punch that idiot in his stupid face! FRANKIE/DIRK: Now take off your blindfolds! - Bernard? - You're not Hanz Yorgensen! - (BANGING ON DOOR) - Uh, uh, uh.
You are not coming out until you resolve all your issues.
You made sure the lock was secure, right? Frankie, come on.
I'm not smart.
What a waste of time.
- I'm outta here.
- No, no, no, no, no, no one leaves.
You two are making up today.
Bernie, you said you missed your grandma.
You said that? I might have.
To a punching bag and a wig.
And Grandma, I know you miss Bernie, too.
Dirk, what did she say? Let's smash open his piggy bank and split what's inside.
After that.
She stared at a picture of him and cried.
Really? You cried? You never cry.
Well, I missed you.
You missed her, she missed you.
Now let's dig deeper.
Why are you so hard on me all the time? You treat me like I'm a baby.
I worry about you.
I want you to be able to take care of yourself.
I'm not gonna be around forever.
(SIGH) I'm sorry if I come off harsh sometimes.
I just do it 'cause there's nothing I want more than to see you succeed.
I love you, Bernard.
I love you, too, Grandma.
Thanks for doin' all this, Frankie.
You're a good friend.
Anytime, Bernie.
And Frankie? How dare you break up with my grandson.
He's too good for you! I faked the whole thing! He said you'd say that! Well, we did it.
Guess our lives can finally go back to normal.
Seriously.
Although I could use a break from Grandma.
As a good friend, I gotta tell you, there is no reason you have to live there.
Hey, hey, roomie! Oh, no.
Dirk is movin' in