Boston Legal s02e17 Episode Script

Previously on Boston legal Nice night.
Suddenly it is.
You had sex with her here? Hot, sweaty sex in the coat check room.
I'm not a one-woman man.
As long as we're together, feel free to have sex with anyone else you want.
I care about what could happen to this firm now! Let me tell you what will happen to this firm if Denny Crane left.
It would dry up and blow away and you with it! By the way, did I tell you? Bev and I are getting married.
No.
I would have remembered that.
Alan, help me with my tie.
Certainly.
I can't do it this way.
Turn around.
Oh, I wish you and I were getting married.
That's you and I.
Both of us, to others.
I'm not gay.
I understood you the first Freudian slip.
Well, I, I, I I don't want to leave you.
No doubt there will be some adjusting.
But you're not losing an Alan, you're gaining a Bev, the girl of your recent dreams.
Alan, you're my best friend.
If you want, you can dream about her, too.
Denny, you're generous to a fault.
There you are.
Denny Crane.
Getting hitched.
Indeed.
Ladies and gentlemen, would you please rise and welcome for the first time as husband and wife, Mr.
and Mrs.
Denny Crane.
White roses, gold-leaf cake, Bev's boobs swimming out of her wedding dress.
Who said money can't buy tastelessness? I think Bev and Denny did a lovely job.
Will you listen to you people? Can we not for just one moment appreciate the simplicity and timelessness of two souls in love? Congratulations.
I saw you were the lucky one who caught Bev's garter.
Yes, I'm going for a full battery of tests first thing in the morning.
I love you.
I love you more.
I love you more more.
Mainlander.
Oh, my angel! Denny, this is my dear friend Troy.
Troy.
Denny, mahalo and congrats.
Thank you.
Troy lives on the big island.
Oh, yeah? Well, we'll have to come and look you up on our honeymoon if there's time.
Oh, excellent, excellent.
I've got some new listings you two are going to fall for.
Uh, Troy's a realtor.
He's been keeping an eye out on houses for us.
I didn't know we were in the market for a second home.
Actually, darling, when you see the Kona coast, you may be thinking of first homes.
What am I supposed to do, beam myself to Boston every morning? Would you excuse us, Troy? Hey, come here.
Now, honey, I just want you to humor me in my wild notions.
I want to put this thought in your head, and it's only a thought.
That's all.
But now that we're starting this new chapter in our lives, what do you say we really do it? Retire? No, that's an old person's word.
I'm talking about new beginnings.
But, Bev, you know I'm the rainmaker at the firm.
Our clients want to know that Denny Crane is taking care of their business.
And Bev wants to know that Denny Crane is taking care of well, Denny Crane.
But we have lots of time for these thoughts.
Tonight's all fun and games, right? Hi.
Nice night.
Suddenly it is.
Has anyone seen Denny? It's time for our toast.
Oh, last time I saw him was over near the coat check room.
Denny? Is it time to cut the cake? Of course, there is no pre-nup.
Actually, Denny signed one.
He just neglected to have Bev sign it.
I thought it was a lovely reception.
I never got to the cake.
It looked fantastic.
Any of you try it? It was supposed to be marble with a little fudge Shut up, just shut up! While you sit here prattling about cake fillings, Bev has hired an army of lawyers to gut this firm.
She won't get far, Paul.
It's a straightforward annulment.
They were only married for three hours.
Legally, they never had the opportunity to consummate the marriage after the ceremony.
Oh, yes, we did.
You had sex with another woman and your wife in the three hours you were married? It was my special day.
I'd taken my little blue pill.
There's no cure for cancer, but we've got three pills for that.
Look, there are other criteria for an annulment.
Legally, we can always say that Denny was not of sound mind.
That cannot become public knowledge, despite the repeated shootings, the television appearances, people still believe Denny runs this firm.
I am one of those people.
Bev's attorney Eli Granger will be here in less than an hour.
My suggestion for now is that we simply hear him out.
Alan, it's awful.
Joan? What's awful? My boss.
Mr.
Loomis just fired me.
I'm sorry.
You work so hard, you know? Eight years at that frigging escrow company.
Why did he fire you? Well, one day six weeks ago, he brings us all in for a staff meeting, and he says, "Due to the spiraling costs of health care insurance," "all smokers have exactly six weeks to quit," "at which point I'll test their system for nicotine," "and if you fail the urine test, then you'll be terminated".
Fired.
Frigging health Nazi.
You know, I got rent to pay, and of course, I tried to quit.
You know, I wanted to.
I did the patch, and I did that little nicotine sucky thing, you know? But the more I imagined losing my job, the more I panicked, and the more I panicked, the more I smoked.
Now I'm up to three packs a day.
And today was the day.
He just made me pee in a cup, and then he fired me.
Well, unless that's some type of sex game with your lover, I find that appalling, and we won't let him do it.
We won't? I'm off to court right now.
But what floor is your office on? I'll pay him a visit.
The tenth.
Just follow the evil stench of vitamins and celery.
Ah, well, good morning, everyone.
Shirley, I can see I didn't bring enough silent flunkies to fill my side of the table.
Double-shot espresso, skim milk, two sugars.
Scoot.
Let's start over.
Eli, welcome to Crane, Poole & Schmidt.
That's my seat.
Get out.
Please get Mr.
Granger a cup of coffee, skim milk, two sugars.
Thank you.
Now, Eli, besides telling you your fake tan is coming off on your collar, what can we do for you? The parting of ways, marital dissolution.
My client's trauma is incalculable, and yet look at me.
I've calculated it.
To the point.
Mrs.
Crane gave up her career, a lucrative office furniture business, to be a stay-at-home wife.
She made irrevocable sacrifices, and still, as a generous offer, considering her pain, she is willing to take only 50% of Mr.
Crane's assets.
What? Including his equity in the firm here, of course.
They were married only three hours.
And it would have lasted longer, had Denny here not banged a cocktail waitress at his own wedding reception.
We're not here to judge.
Though the state of Massachusetts is, and in cases like this, we are a "fault" state, and clearly Denny is at fault.
And by the time Mrs.
Crane gets what's hers, who knows? Maybe I'll have my name on the door here.
Do you smoke it or take it in the arm? Brad.
There will be no divorce.
Beg pardon? Bev and I had an agreement.
When we first got together, she told me that I could sleep with whomever I want.
Delmonico's restaurant, January 14th.
Happiest night of my life.
So I had sex with another woman or a navy burberry.
I'm not quite sure which, but the point is, she granted me the right to tomcat, and I exercised that right.
No divorce.
No reconciliation.
We're going to court.
Every good marriage takes work.
Kurt Loomis.
Alan Shore.
I've noticed you at the juice bar on the first floor.
You always leave a penny, never take one.
I admire that.
Ha, thank you, Al.
So I guess you're here to speak about Joan.
Yes, Kur, I am.
Well, I'm sorry to see her go, but rules are the rules.
You break them, you've got to pay the price.
I've never heard our entire system of justice encapsulated so succinctly.
Well, that's me.
However, instances arise where the rules themselves are unfair.
This is one of those cases.
Nope.
The no-smoking rule is as right as the Bible.
Good for the company, good for the employees.
It's just good, period.
Well, and this may be in the Bible somewhere, you do have the right to forbid your employees from smoking at work, but why do you think you're justified in telling anyone what they may or may not do on their own time? Because it's good for them, and my lawyer told me I could, guy just like you.
You see, everyone here is what you call an at-will employee.
And like most workers in this country, they can be fired for anything, anytime, any place, any way.
You see, Al, I used to coach football.
I never would have guessed.
It's like I used to tell my players.
There are two ways to do things, my way and the wrong way.
Joan did things the wrong way, so I cut her from the squad.
I have a similar bit of wisdom I like to share.
We can do this my way or another way that will have you writing a very large check and crying like a baby.
Are you threatening me, Al? Why not just rehire Joan and forget we ever met? I know I'd like nothing more.
Nope, I think we're done.
Actually, this is just the beginning of our little game.
I'd assumed that as a coach, you'd have figured that out.
Trying to quit? Not really.
I just suppose there should be a law requiring me to try to quit.
What are you in for? Divorce.
Ah, been there.
Not with a husband.
Boyfriend after frigging boyfriend.
I suck at relationships.
Actually, I suck at almost everything.
When I'm not inhaling, I'm sucking.
The story of my life.
The only thing I've actually ever been good at is my job, which I never sucked at but got fired just the same for inhaling.
I was good at it.
I was good.
I was good.
I was Good.
I can't make my rent.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
No, I do.
Actually, I'm suing.
That's it.
and I'm gonna win.
Alan Shore's my lawyer, and he's good.
He's good.
Who have you got? Uh, I had Denny Crane.
Now I've got Eli.
Alan Shore's in my boss' office right now trying to settle.
He's going to come walking off that elevator any second and tell me I've got my job back, or they're giving me money, or I'm gonna get everything I want.
Otherwise I have to win this.
I have to win.
We're being audited.
The entire firm? To determine Denny's net worth.
Let them.
We have nothing to hide.
Hold on a second there, aunt Sally.
This could be well, a problem.
Why? Denny, what have you done? Little things.
How little? I may have, on occasion, laid off an occasional personal expense on the firm, occasionally.
Good lord! Call Joel Landson in accounting.
Get him up here right away.
Mind you, it's not exactly illegal, but it's not legal either.
It's in the fuzzy gray area.
Denny's home address.
Bottom line.
Should this information become public And we can be sure that Bev's lawyers will see that it does.
The IRS could get involved.
Our reputation will be sullied.
Clients will begin to wonder if they've been bilked.
There could be more investigations, and all of the partners will be liable.
We're talking Arthur Andersen headlines.
We're screwed.
We don't own enough shredders.
Our only chance right now is to settle and settle quickly.
Um, we can't do that.
Why not? Because I want to stay married.
I thought you were bluffing! That doesn't seem to be an option right now, Denny.
I'm gonna make it an option, and as we know, my name on the door.
That's it! Paul.
Denise, I want you to look over the partnership agreement and tell me hypothetically what would be required for me to sell my portion out and take early retirement, and hypothetically I would need that very fast.
Paul, don't do anything you'll regret.
Doing nothing is what I'll regret most.
I have devoted my life to keeping this firm an outstanding institution.
Now in the twilight of my career, this, this mess could destroy my reputation, all because Denny cannot control his aged groin.
All right, listen, guys.
I can fix this.
Now just let me talk to Denny.
I know what to say.
I can make him settle.
Paul, just wait this out, please.
The purchase of a home is one of life's great stressors, and while I'm no braggart, in my eight years at Loomis escrow, I had the most escrow closes.
I had the highest customer satisfaction record.
All of my year-end reviews were fours.
That's out of a possible four.
I was employee of the year three years running.
I mean, if I was such a bad worker, then why was I awarded the $100 gift certificate to the Hungry Whistler? Your honor, at this time, if I may enter into evidence Ms.
Zeder's three employee of the year plaques.
Please note the inscribed nickname, "Just ask Joan".
Thank you.
I can see that.
Now, Joan, do you smoke cigarettes? Yeah.
Have you ever smoked at work? Yes, but only on my breaks on my time, away from the door, and I'm a courtesy waver, so, you know, I not in anyone's face.
Does your smoking impact your job in any way? No, and I've never been late because of smoking.
In fact, actually, it helps calm me down so I can focus on my work.
Thank you, Ms.
Zeder.
Ms.
Zeder, did your boss tell you to quit smoking, or you'd be fired? Yes.
Nothing further.
Denny.
I was a marine.
I served my country proudly in the first Gulf war.
I am an honest, honorable person.
I want you to know that I do not lie.
We're clear on that? Yes.
Are there any guns in here? I want to be clear on that as well.
There are many guns.
Within reach? No.
All right.
Several weeks ago I took your fiancee out to lunch.
It's not that.
I offered her $500,000 to end her relationship with you.
What? I know.
It was a foolish thing to do, but I felt that I was acting in the best interests of the firm and you.
She turned you down.
Yes.
But before she did, she hesitated.
She considered it.
And it's my belief that if I had offered her more, she would have taken it.
Thank you, Brad, for telling me that.
It couldn't have been easy.
You're fired.
What? Name on the door.
See you.
He fired me.
I'm a partner.
He fired me.
Brad, the review committee will take care of this.
He can't just fire you without consulting the partners.
Of course he can.
He's Denny Crane.
His name's on the door.
If he wants me gone, I'm gone.
Damn it, Denny, you just can't.
Can.
All of it.
This is a law firm! This is a living, breathing entity.
Yes, you may have founded it, but hundreds and hundreds of people now have their lives attached to it, and at this moment, through the choices you make, you have the potential to unravel this entire place and the individuals who have given everything to it.
That may be, but still So help me, if you say it's still your name on the door, I will shoot you with one of your own guns.
That won't change the door.
Denny, you cheated on your wife at your own wedding reception in what has become some sort of cloakroom fetish that is a new low even for you.
Yeah.
It is, isn't it? And now you're saying you don't want the marriage to end? What is going on here? You've known me 30 years.
You tell me.
One moment I'm enjoying my own wedding reception, and the next, my gut's telling me something's wrong.
And somehow having sex with that waitress or the coat made everything feel right.
And once things felt right again, I wanted Bev back.
Denny, your once charming and eccentric behavior has turned into a series of self-destructive impulses.
I love you, but it's time to take a step back and look at what you're turning into.
Shirley, I love you, too.
Shirley, you want something.
I'll guess it's sex.
Let me take my coat off.
As much as I'd love to, Alan, if we did, I wouldn't have time to deal with your needs.
Yes.
Well, another time.
What's on your mind? I am sure you know what's going on with Denny.
Shirley, in this case, I've decided to stay above the fray and catch the show from the mezzanine.
In case you missed the first act, Denny's decision not to settle on his divorce leaves the firm quite vulnerable.
We may be open to public audit, uh, potential lawsuits.
Paul has threatened to leave, and we may lose Brad if we're not careful.
Sounds exciting.
So you want me to convince Denny to settle so that we all may be settled? Something like that.
I won't do it.
Alan, you're willing to see this firm go down? You're asking me to manipulate my friend, and I won't do it.
It would have been easier just to have sex with you.
Health insurance premiums keep going up.
I run a small business.
I'm competing against Escrow services that are nationwide chains and others that are on the internet.
I have to either cut costs or close my doors.
It's that simple.
And if Ms.
Zeder would have been able to quit smoking, would you have kept her on the payroll? Of course.
We didn't give her the $100 gift certificate to the Hungry Whistler for nothing.
Mr.
Loomis, your desire to cut costs makes absolute sense, but we heard your office manager testify that when you weigh Ms.
Zeder's productivity against any increased insurance premiums, you still come out ahead.
So your argument is, dare I say it, a fumble, correct? I have to think of the future.
If she gets cancer or heart disease or any of the other things that smokers get, my rates go sky-high.
Mr.
Loomis, how do you feel about fat people? Because according to the Surgeon General, Other businesses are firing people for that.
I haven't done it yet.
So you're thinking about it? I'm always thinking.
Anyone can see that.
How about alcohol consumption? People who have more than 15 drinks a week are at risk of becoming alcoholics, and alcoholism can cause cirrhosis of the liver, pancreatitis, increased incidence of cancer.
Wouldn't it be a good idea to monitor your employees' alcohol intake? Maybe I should.
Well, what about coffee? Caffeine temporarily increases your blood pressure, trans-fatty acids and stress.
Both of these things could cause heart attacks.
That would certainly raise your premiums sky-high.
It's been proven arguing 30 minutes a day lowers your immune system, as does loneliness.
There go your married employees and your single ones.
You're going to have to watch these people all the time, Mr.
Loomis.
I hope you're a multitasker.
Mr.
Shore, I think you're exaggerating.
No, I'm just welcoming us all to 1984.
The bus arrived a little late, and our tour guide George Orwell is good and dead, but nonetheless we made it, and big brother Loomis is watching us.
Objection.
Nothing further, that is, if it's okay with Mr.
Loomis.
I, um I drafted a memo for you regarding the partnership agreement.
Thank you.
As a second topic, I'm not saying this firm is about to dissolve, but if it did Hypothetically.
If it did, would you be interested in breaking off and setting up your own firm with someone? Someone & Bauer would probably be the name on the door.
Um, I would certainly have to think about that, hypothetically.
Well, that's all I could ask, if I were asking.
There you are.
Here I am.
How's your case? Not over.
How are your various enterprises? You mean Bev.
Everyone here thinks my situation upstairs is clouding my judgment, that only an idiot would want to stay with her.
Everyone in love is something of an idiot.
This might get ugly, Denny.
It may have already.
And I don't care.
At a certain age, Alan, you'll find it extraordinary the compromises one is willing to make for even the possibility of love.
Increased globalization, megacorporations.
How can a small businessman compete? Two ways.
He must offer a unique, terrific product or service, and he must keep costs down.
Now Kurt Loomis runs a first-rate escrow company, and he wants to do right by his employees by offering them health insurance, but if he doesn't keep his biggest expense in check, health care, he loses everything.
So he instituted a very strict no-smoking policy.
Now Mr.
Loomis is not only reducing his business costs, he's also helping his employees who smoke by giving them motivation to quit.
Now Joan Zeder knew the company policy.
She was given ample time to quit smoking, and she knew she'd be fired if she didn't, but she chose cigarettes over her job and because Ms.
Zeder is an at-will employee, Mr.
Loomis had a legal right to fire her.
And as to what smoking is doing to her health, she can read the warning label on the pack.
The great Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw had a rather jaundiced view of our country.
Shaw said that while our Constitution was set up to prevent political dictatorship, in doing so, we established a society where every ward boss is a dictator, every financier a dictator, every private employer a dictator, all with the livelihood of the workers at their mercy.
Well, if Mr.
Loomis wants to emulate Mussolini in how he treats his employees at the office, that's one thing, but Joan Zeder's actions at work have always been commendable.
Mr.
Loomis also declared himself emperor over Ms.
Zeder in her home.
There he found her smoking something which is not against the law, which is, in fact, none of his business, but he fired her anyway.
Shouldn't we be able to have private lives that aren't governed by the people we work for? My god, I cannot believe I just asked that question in an American courtroom.
My head may explode.
Your honor, the right to privacy, as you well know, is guaranteed under our Constitution, but now, thanks to our current supreme court, that right is flickering like a candle in the wind, and the breeze is picking up.
But justice Scalia and his ilk aren't judging this case.
You are.
And at what point will we say, will you say, that provided we do not violate the law, other people cannot dictate what we do in the privacy of our own homes? Your honor, when you consider this case in the privacy of your chambers where no police or lawyers or Loomis may enter, please think about the dying gasps of our precious right to privacy and what our lives might be like if it actually passes away.
Conference room.
I'm putting this thing to bed.
It's high.
It could have been much higher.
Denny, you want to take a look at this? No need.
Here's our counteroffer.
Two words.
Well, maybe three.
Barbara's built-ins.
Can Denny and I please have the room? Bev It's all right.
I've got it.
So what do you know? "Barbara's built-ins, only the best".
You marketed to old people in retirement homes in and around Boca raton.
You sold built-ins for television sets and built-ins for dishwashers, built-ins for microwaves, but you never built them in.
That's not true.
I did some lovely work.
I always meant to finish the jobs that people had contracted me for, but I I had a cash flow problem, and it made more sense financially to just To rob the geezers and skip town.
How long have you known? Since our third date.
Whenever I make love to a woman more than twice, I have her investigated.
But, Denny, since you knew my history, why, why didn't you have me sign a pre-nup? Because I loved you.
And when you can send someone to jail with a phone call, there's your pre-nup.
Well, you know, I still could have you audited.
Stalemate.
Exactly.
And you know why it's a stalemate? Because we're so much alike.
The fact that we have something on each other means we belong together.
Our love is a fairy tale written by real people.
All I'm saying is, even after all this, I'd like to make it work.
Denny I love you.
But I love Hawaii more.
Well, you'll be the one that got away from Denny Crane.
Which that makes you, uh, a large fish in a very small pond.
Mr.
Shore, I believe in the right to privacy that you so passionately defended, and I believe that when Mr.
Loomis fired Ms.
Zeder for actions that in no way affected her performance at work, he acted unreasonably, but unfortunately, the law doesn't require Mr.
Loomis to be reasonable.
Therefore, there is nothing I can do.
I am granting the motion to dismiss.
Court is adjourned.
What? I'm sorry, Joan.
We can always appeal this, Joan, and in the meantime, find you a new job.
New job? Alan, I'm a smoker, an evil, villainous smoker.
If I go on a job interview, and I'm honest.
I tell them I have a 2-pack-a-day habit, that's it.
Liability, leper.
Yeah, no, this is a new world order, Alan.
I am just a cog and, I've got to find a way to fit in.
I've got to find a way to quit, even if it kills me.
You know what I'm gonna miss most about smoking? It's like, you work your ass off all day.
People screaming at you.
"Where's my this? Where's my that?" "Why you haven't you answered my e-mail that I sent you seven seconds ago?" And in all that chaos, all that frenzy, smoking was more than a habit.
It was it was a place to go where I could just shut out the rest of the world and find a little square bit of time and peace for me, just a little bit.
That sounds perfect.
If I may suggest an alternate habit, intercourse.
What? I find it just as relaxing, that break in the day or several times when you shut the rest of the world out, breathing in the moment, feeling it run through your body, that nice high in the end, much like a cigarette.
Was, uh, was that a proposition? Not really.
But if, as a friend, you ever need any assistance, whenever you feel like having a smoke, just call me instead.
Thanks, Alan.
An agreement has been reached on the matter of Crane vs.
Crane.
I will buy a house for Bev in Hawaii.
She will accept.
Marriage is dissolved.
Mrs.
Crane, I think we should consider our options We're done, Eli.
We're done.
Look me up if you're ever on the big island.
I am the big island.
Come on.
Brad.
I really couldn't have fired you by myself.
Yes, you could have.
Yes, I could have.
But sometimes people say things they don't really mean, like "I love you" or "you're fired," so I really want you to stay with the firm.
While everyone was whining about Bev, you actually tried to take her out.
I admire that.
You have very large testicles, my friend.
Well, thank you, Denny.
I'm flattered you have that opinion of me.
It's not my opinion.
I saw you in the shower at the gym.
Good God! You know the best part of my marriages has always been the first day.
Just married, a grand thing.
But for me there was nothing more devastatingly lonely than being married for a while.
You never talk about your wife.
What was she like? She had all the most delectable qualities one could hope for, creativity, desire, zealotry, a gorgeous clavicle, healthy lack of inhibition.
Sounds spectacular.
What happened? She began to know me too well, and I began to hate her for it.
Even when I was unpredictable, she'd predict it.
For those of us who aspire to be original, it's the worst sort of banality.
She died.
I've missed that banality ever since.
I wonder if sometimes I get remarried just to have someone listen to my stories again.
That's a terrible reason.
Someone with that admiring look in their eye.
Yes.
Denny, they're doing some sort of renovations at my hotel.
They start at dawn and make a horrendous racket.
It wakes me up.
I can't get back to sleep.
It's always something with you.
Night terrors, clowns, renovation.
I was wondering if I could spend the night at your place.
How long is the renovation gonna take? They won't say.
Well Stay as long as you need.
Thanks.