Bunk'd (2015) s02e17 Episode Script

1 Okay, guys, we located the missing mail.
Apparently, Bob the mailman got attacked by a bear.
Oh, no! Zuri, I told you not to order all that smoked salmon.
Hey, I just wanted a taste of New York.
Apparently that bear did, too.
Anywho, this is everything the park rangers found at the scene.
(Metal clainging) Oh, his ring.
Bob's wife is gonna want this.
Huh, there's a letter in here just addressed to "Daughter.
" Oh, that's from my mother.
That's what she calls you? If I'm lucky.
And what does your mom say? If you don't win camper of the year, she's giving your room to the dog? Oh, no! No, no, no, no Is everything okay? Did your mom send you another pop quiz? I'll get your graphing calculator! No, it's worse! My mother is coming to camp Today! Where are you going? I'd rather take my chances with the mailman-eating bear! Here we go We're leaving the city behind right now Let's gather by the campfire light And sing this song All: Kikiwaka Hanging out with someone new Then falling out of a camp canoe What's that smell? It's on your shoe All: Kikiwaka Got a s'more in my hair Mosquitos in our underwear Shower's broke but we don't care All: Kikiwaka This is our home away from home away from home away from home But watch your back A bear just ate my phone All: Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka All: Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka All: Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka Hey, Jorge Whoa, it reeks! Ugh.
What happened in here? Dude, isn't it obvious? Marty Farty is having a party.
Guys, it's not me this time! Jorge, it's always you.
Yeah.
You're the one who says the lake is a bath and a toilet all in one.
It's called "multitasking"! And the nasty smell is coming from under the cabin.
Check it out! Let me guess.
I bend down and you blast me in the face with a heinie heater.
No, thanks.
Counselor? (Sniffs) Uh, oh.
This isn't one of Jorge's smells.
It's sad that you know that, man.
No.
No, it's Big Stinky.
The nastiest skunk in Moose Rump.
Two years ago he fumigated the whole camp with his black cloud of death.
I can't live like this.
I'd rather sniff one of Jorge's butt bombs.
Dialin' one up now! That's not what he meant.
(Farting) Too late Tiffany, I know your mom is scary, but we're here to help you.
Yeah, parents love me.
Heck, Xander's dad calls me the son he never had! It's the way Xander runs, right? You don't understand.
I lied and told my mother that this is a camp for the gifted and talented.
Gifted and talented? Jorge thinks one of the planets is named "Melvin.
" I know! Look, if she finds out this camp isn't full of geniuses, I'm going to be in big trouble.
Well, you know how I feel about bending the truth.
You love it.
Exactly.
So, we can just pretend to be geniuses for one day.
(Scoffs) Like you could pull that off! Huh.
I mean, thank you! But are you guys brilliant at Anything? Well, I created a whole line of dog makeup.
It takes the ugg out of your pug.
I'm great at finding loopholes in banking laws.
And I can play a pretty mean Yankee Doodle Dandy with my armpits.
I'm doomed.
I just know he's down there.
My nose hairs are wilting! What if it's not Big Stinky? What if it's a dead body? I bet it's Nosy Nancy.
Gladys said she left camp to see her parents, but I think it's because she knew too much.
Okay, we have to gently lure him out, and coax him back into the woods.
Got it! Hey, you're not gonna hurt him, are you? Well, I didn't grab this shovel to tickle him.
Just don't get him angry, 'cause when skunks get angry, they Skunk! (Yelling) Okay, if we want my mother to believe this is a camp full of geniuses, we have to put these glasses on.
Isn't that kind of stereotypical? You don't even wear glasses.
In front of my mother I do! She says, "If your eyes aren't ruined, you're not reading enough.
" Now, here are some "do's" and "don't's" for when my mother, Dr.
Chen, gets here.
When you say "yes," put a "ma'am" behind it.
And also when you say "no," right? I don't know.
I've never said that word to my mother.
Wow.
She sounds like a human splinter.
Tiffany: Now, for some "don't's.
" "Don't" look down when you speak to her, she takes it as a sign of weakness.
But don't look her in the eye, either.
She sees that as a challenge to her dominance.
That's funny, Tiffany's mom has the same rules as Mrs.
Kipling.
(Knocking) Oh, she's here! Quick, everybody Be smarter! Hello, Mother.
Daughter.
Salutations, genius campers.
I made you some brownies, as I understand that is a thing people do for occasions like this.
Thank you, ma'am Doctor Doctor ma'am.
Hey, these are delicious! And they're shaped like dodecahedrons.
I thought that would make them more Fun.
I see where you get your definition of fun.
Mother, when did you learn to bake? Yesterday.
I whipped these up in the lab.
The heat from the depleted uranium baked them in no time.
On the bright side, Tiffany won't need a night light tonight, because we'll all be glowing.
Well, it is very pleasing to know my daughter gets to spend her summer in the company of fellow young geniuses.
That's right! We're geniuses with a capital J.
Ha! Humor.
And what is your area of expertise, young lady? Let me show ya.
You like Yankee Doodle Dandy? A-one, and a-two No, don't! Uh Don't spoil it.
Mother, they'll show you how brilliant they are later.
For now, why don't you go freshen up? Oh, good idea! I still have some cocoa powder and radioactive isotopes underneath my fingernails.
It burns.
Okay, Xandy, let's get this in all those hard to sauce places.
You're on your own.
I just can't believe Big Stinky got me again.
Wait Big Stinky is back? We gotta get rid of that thing! Why don't you ask it out on a date? Very funny.
Plus, I already have a boyfriend, right Xandy? Nope.
I actually thought Big Stinky was kinda cute.
You wouldn't think he was cute, if you had been there a couple of years ago.
We got massacred.
It was June.
A night like every other.
Or so we thought There was a campfire.
S'mores.
Laughter Xander: Little did we know, Big Stinky was out there.
Watching.
Waiting.
Hunting.
(Squeaking) Skunk! (All screaming) Xander: Poor, sweet, Lou.
She was the first to fall.
She got hit in the mouth with a toxic keister cocktail.
(Yelps) No Oh! Xander: They say a skunk has cold, dead, eyes.
That's a lie.
There was joy in Big Stinky's eyes.
He knew what he was doing.
And he was proud of it.
By the time that skunk ran back into the woods, we had lost two counselors.
Big Stinky killed them? No, they quit.
But a part of each of us did die that night.
Look, we gotta get rid of that skunk.
I say we trap him and take him all the way to Canada! What did Canada ever do to us? They're too polite.
They're up to something.
I'm excited to see your gifted colleagues perform.
Almost as excited as when I created that black hole in the lab.
Still haven't found Dr.
Jansen.
But if he comes back, I bet he'll have some fun stories to tell.
Meanwhile, while we set up, here's a crossword puzzle in hieroglyphics.
Ooh! One across is Ra, the sun god, obviously! And I did that without my Rosetta Stone.
Okay, guys, my mother leaves tonight.
So we'll get through this demonstration of your "genius," if you just stick to the plan! Tiffany, have you ever thought about just telling your mom the truth? Have you ever thought about cutting off your finger and sticking the bone in your eye? No, but I'm really concerned that you have.
First up, is our piano prodigy, Lou.
Just press play on the keyboard.
I have the song pre-programed.
And now, for a classical piece by every chicken's favorite musician, Bach.
Bach, Bach, Bach! Wow, Tiffany, this actually may work.
Woo hoo! Stand "Bach" Here comes treble! Oh, no Lou is going rogue.
Come on, Dr.
Chen, get your groove on.
Raise the roof! Look, I can't believe my mother is raising the roof without calling in a structural engineer! Okay, well, ah, this is clearly a remix.
Thank you, Lou.
Kids today and their crazy music.
(Bell ringing) Huh, Big Stinky took the bait.
But he's not here.
He's close.
(Sniffs) I can smell him.
Big Stinky! No! Griff! Skunk! Everybody, get off of the lawn! Get off of the lawn! (All screaming) All smell has broken loose! See? The more money you put in, the higher you'll climb on my patented triangle of success! One question, isn't that clearly an illegal pyramid scheme? What are you, a cop? Tiffany: Okay! Let's move onto our chemistry genius, Emma.
Do you remember how to pronounce the chemicals and what order to mix them in? Yes! And the order is blue, yellow, green.
Although those colors really clash It doesn't matter.
It's science, not fashion.
Today, I will be demonstrating a three layer color experiment using dee-eth Dy-chrom Hydro Planing? Chemicals! English is Emma's second language.
She only knows two languages? How did she get into this camp? She's rich.
Money talks.
And speaking of money Did you by any chance bring your check book? Back to the experiment! What was the order again? I just remember I hated it Oh, well.
Let's just mix these bad boys up! No! No Way this experiment doesn't turn out amazing! Emma: Ooh! Maybe I am a genius! Brava! Impressive! Finally something that is not an assault on my ears or pocketbook.
(Explosion) And they said my Ponzi scheme would blow up in my face.
What is going on here? Science! Ta da! Tiffany, do I need to warm up my arm horns? I just shaved so they're in tune.
No! Tiffany, may I speak to you privately? I'd rather have witnesses.
Tiffany, these people are obviously not geniuses, and I'm legitimately concerned that I've become dumber just being around them.
Okay, okay Mother The truth is I lied about Camp Kikiwaka.
It's just a normal summer camp.
So you've been lying to me for the past two years? Tiffany, the word "lie" shouldn't even be in your vocabulary! I should know.
I redacted it from all your dictionaries! I'm really sorry for lying, Mother.
Well, you can think about that on the way home, while you write me an apology letter in 20 different languages.
Go pack your things.
But, Mother Now! But before we go, you didn't give that Zuri girl any money, did you? Even if I did, I couldn't get it back.
Zuri never leaves a paper trail.
Tiffany, you can't go.
Woodchuck cabin won't be the same without you.
Yeah, and you were gonna teach me how to play horse checkers.
That's chess.
I'll even miss Violet, the violin.
What are you talking about? Every time I play her, you hit me with a rock.
Yes, but I throw it underhand.
Despite that I'm going to miss you guys so much.
Being a woodchuck is the most fun I've ever had.
Oh, who am I kidding, it's the only fun I've ever had.
Then you should tell your mother that you want to stay.
Zuri: Yeah, Tiff.
You gotta make her see how great this camp is for you.
Except the food, which has zero nutritional value.
Have you guys noticed how the kids here never grow? Well, I gotta get going.
The only thing my mother hates more than waiting, is astrophysicists.
She says they're divas.
Tiffany, look, I know it's hard, but you have to try and convince your mom that staying here is the best thing for you.
Yeah, look how far you've come.
The first time I went to give you a hug, you thought I was attacking you.
To be fair, Lou, so did I.
Me, too.
You are a very aggressive hugger.
Look, I've got a rampaging skunk, a camp full of stinkos, and I'm running out of ketchup! So, get off your lazy butt and send help! Well, same to you, Mr.
Mayor! Man sprayed, man sprayed! Quick, Xander, take off your shirt! I got sprayed, not Xander.
I know.
Okay, new plan.
We're gonna catch that skunk and have his stink glands removed.
No, you can't do that! It's mean! Hey, I wasn't the one who sprayed butt water all over the camp! Gosh, I hope not.
That's kind of a deal-breaker for me, Xander.
Tiffany, hurry up! You're even slower than Dr.
Jansen, which is why he got sucked into that black hole.
On the bright side, "Someone" can no longer steal my yogurt from the fridge.
Mother, stop! Oh, first you lied to me, and now you're talking back to me? Skunk! And now you're calling me names? No! There's a skunk over there! And if he feels threatened, he might spray us.
We need to remain calm and quiet.
Get him! Ahhh! Sorry! My eyes! That's what I get for not wearing my goggles, even though I'm not in the lab! Stay calm, Mother.
I'm just going to use this water to irrigate your eyes.
(Spittting) Oh, that's a little better.
I'm starting to see colors again.
You're back? Is the skunk chasing you? Nope! Angry moose! (Moose calling) Here, stinky, stinky, stinky Guys, I don't want anything bad to happen to Big Stinky.
There he is.
Okay, you little stink box, your reign of terror is over.
No! Jorge, what are you doing? You're right in the path of his butt canon! I won't let you de-stink him and change who he is.
If you do that, he won't be able to protect himself in the wild.
What about protecting the camp? Just let me talk to him, for one minute.
Look, Big Stinky, I know how it feels to have people judge you because you smell bad.
That's just who we are.
We can't do anything about it.
Well, you could take a shower.
Or wear deodorant.
Own more than one pair of underwear I was talking to the skunk! Look guys, I bet if we just left Big Stinky alone, he would leave us alone.
Right, buddy? See? Kindness worked.
He's leaving.
(Yelps) I thought we were friends (Exclaming) Knock it off.
The weird thing is, Jorge actually smells better now.
We were running out of ketchup, so I had to cut it with lake water.
If you get a rash, that means it's working.
Where exactly did you go to nursing school? The university of Nunya.
Nunya? Yeah, none ya business.
Don't worry about Hazel.
She's really nice, if you never get to know her.
Maybe now is a good time to tell your mom how you feel.
I don't know.
It's okay, Tiff.
We got your back.
Okay.
Mother There's something I want to say to you I hope it's that a real nurse is coming.
(Scoffs) I heard that! You're going on my list, lady, right next to the mayor! Mother I want to stay at Camp Kikiwaka.
What? Absolutely not! You're learning nothing here! Not true! Tiffany has gained valuable, real world knowledge at camp.
For instance, how to take charge when someone gets sprayed by a skunk.
That was very impressive.
But it's not going to get her into Harvard.
But, Mother, there's more to life than getting into Harvard.
What? I shouldn't have gasped.
I just sucked in more skunk fumes.
I mean, this camp has done so much for me.
I'm happier, more confident, and it's given me the courage to tell you You've been pushing me too hard.
Pushing you too hard? I'm only doing for you what my mother did for me.
And I became a world renowned scientist.
I am this close to discovering the cure for sleep! Is that a disease? Anything that takes eight hours away from studying cannot be good for you.
But Mother, Grandma was so hard on you that you two don't even talk anymore.
Well, I do send her a Christmas card every year.
Yeah, with the word "Merry" crossed off.
Mother, don't you ever resent Grandma for never letting you just be a kid? Well, I always did want to learn to jump rope, but Grandma said I might hurt my test-taking hand.
So you see what I'm saying.
I don't want us to end up like you and Grandma.
I don't want that either.
And I'm sorry it's been so hard for me to let you have f f f Fudge? Fashion? Fiscal independence? No, fun! Tiffany, I really do want you to be happy.
Well, being with my friend at Camp Kikiwaka makes me happy.
And getting into Harvard shouldn't mean having to give up being a kid.
So Can I please stay? Yes, you may stay.
Thank you, Mother Mom.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Aw, that is so sweet.
Yeah.
Do you think this would be a good time to approach Dr.
Chen about a real estate deal? Cinderella, dressed in yellow Went upstairs to kiss a fellow, By mistake she kissed a snake What do you think, Mom? Well, for starters, I'm very concerned about this Cinderella kissing a snake.
Where are her parents? Hey, Dr.
Chen, wanna give it a whirl? Oh, "Whirl.
" Because the rope is spinning.
Humor! Hah! It's growing on me.
C'mon, Mom, let's jump rope together! Oh Oh, my goodness This is Fun! And we're learning nothing! Nothing at all! Look at me, Mom! I'm jumping rope, and I love it! (Laughing)