Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012) s02e17 Episode Script

- OhHey, dale.
Do you know where my coasters are? - Coasters? Sorry, bud.
I had to use them to prop up your wobbly chair over there.
- Oh.
What happened to the chair? - I sawed the leg off.
I needed it to plug a hole in that pipe.
It was the perfect fit.
- Dale, that's pretty innovative.
But you can't just break something on the set To use it to fix something else.
Why didn't you call the plumber? - There was no time for that.
I had to plug that hole, Or it was gonna drip on this plant right here.
- So? - So If it drips on the plant, The plant will eventually grow big, And it'll knock that shelf And then knock the anvil on top of my head.
- Look, just move away from the shelf.
- I can't.
I'm holding this safety line with my right hand.
- Why don't you just hold it with your left hand? - Scott, I think it's time for your fitting.
- I don't think I have anything like that-- - Straitjacket! Say what? Are you crazy? I'm holding my drink in that hand.
What am I supposed to do, Set it on this antique credenza with no coaster? - Oh, is that the problem? Here, just use one of mine.
- [shudders.]
[whistle effect.]
- Hey, scott, got a baker's dozen balloons for you.
[whistle effect, boing.]
[buzzer.]
[phone dialing.]
[cell phone plays jingle, buzzes.]
[boing.]
- My antique credenza! Dale, you moron.
[rumbling.]
What was that safety line connected to? [crash.]
- What did I miss? - Dale's dead.
- That's awesome.
Thank you.
It's comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! - Featuring me, reggie watts.
comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! ah ha - Hey, there.
Welcome to comedy bang! Bang! We have a great show tonight.
From marvel's agents of s.
H.
I.
E.
L.
D.
, Agent phil coulson himself, clark gregg is here As well as attorney cody gossman.
I'm scott aukerman.
And I know what you're thinking.
You're looking at me, saying, "what, did bert and linda aukerman have a baby?" - [laughs loudly.]
that was funny, scott! That was funny.
I remember last season When you did that joke.
I laughed then! Why are yo repeating material? - To be honest, I didn't remember I did that joke before.
- Well, remember! This is serious.
This is no joke, scott, especially the way you do it.
It's no joke.
- All right.
Well, thank you, person.
[whistle sound effect.]
Yikes.
Heh.
Well, let's say hello to our good friend reggie watts.
[hip-hop music.]
Wow.
That was great, reggie.
Uh, I say, that was great, reggie.
What's going on with you? - Oh, well, sorry.
I've taken a partial vow of silence.
- A partial vow of silence? - Yeah, I didn't have enough money for a full-sized.
- Oh, okay.
Well, so when do you not talk? - Oh, you know, when I'm at home, when I'm alone, Or when I'm watching a movie, Or during conversations, when other people are talking.
- Cool.
So are you gonna keep it going during the show? - Yeah, most of the time, especially when I'm not talking.
- Great.
Well, we'll check back - Okay.
Thanks, scott.
- With you later.
- Seems like it could've kicked in a little earlier there, But all right.
- Good note.
- Well, speaking of notes, I'll probably get one for this segue being too sloppy.
But, hey, what are you guys up to this weekend? - I'm gonna get reupholstered with some of my couch friends.
- I'm gonna stare across the room.
- I'm getting myself a nice, new bookmark That I can slip in between my pages.
- Who are you? Where's bookie, our talking book? - Oh, he's out sick.
My name's justin fitzgibbons.
I'm from the c.
L.
P.
Resources temp agency.
I'm filling in for bookie today.
Uh, you want me to keep going with the bit or - Um, yeah, I guess so.
- You got it.
At night, I'm gonna stop by the library And get some fifty shades action, If you know what I mean.
That's right.
I'm gonna do her, um I'm gonna do her forward and epilogue.
- Did bookie say when he'd be back? All right.
Well, let's get to our first guest.
He has what every man desires, two first names.
Please welcome clark gregg.
[funky music.]
- a man with a mission - hi.
he got it all goin' down he's a man with a, man with a mission - Keep going, I say.
- Yeah.
- Keep going with the dance.
- Nice.
Thank you.
That's all you're gonna see.
- Really? Just a taste? - No, no, I don't pop and lock until my second.
- That's how you hook us, huh? Give us a little taste and then-- - You know what? Yes.
- How are you? - I'm okay.
How are you? - I'm fantastic.
It's so nice to meet you.
I'm a big fan of your work.
- Likewise.
- So, clark, it must be so cool To be in those marvel movies, I mean, With the cool costumes and sets and props.
- Not many people know this, is I actually-- I get to keep some of the props.
- No way! That's awesome.
- Sometimes, a couple of 'em.
- What do you have? - I brought a couple today, two of my favorites.
- Okay.
- Okay, the first one I brought For you today, it comes from iron man I.
The origin story, the original.
- Ah, it's my favorite.
- This is something that belongs toTony stark.
- Tony stark.
Oh, my god.
His--his armor or-- - Check this out.
How cool is that? - Uh, what-- a stapler? - The stapler.
When agent coulson goes to stark headquarters For the first time - Uh-huh.
- He doesn't actually get into tony stark's office.
But later, there's a scene in that office Between tony stark and academy award-winner gwyneth paltrow In which this stapler Is prominently featured in the shot.
And I got it, saved it for you.
- Oh.
So you just stole a stapler off the set? - The stapler.
- Anything else? - Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Okay, another movie that was big for me was thor.
- [gasps.]
- and there was a scene That was--the end-of-credits sequence after iron man 2.
- Where they find-- - not they.
- You find.
- Where I find thor's hammer.
- Spoiler.
- You just-- Okay, please.
What's your name again? - Justin.
- I'm trying to have a conversation.
- Aren't we all? - No, just the two of us are.
Reggie sometimes.
- Sometimes.
- Check this out.
[laughs.]
- Car keys.
- These keys Were in my pocket every take when I found the hammer.
Every take.
- Those are your personal car keys? - Yes! Yes.
That's why they were in my pocket.
[laughs.]
right? - Yeah.
- Cool.
Every take.
- I guess so.
- Can I see those bad boys? - Yes, take a look.
Take a look.
Please don't touch.
But take a look.
- Those are them.
- Planet hollywood would like to get their hands on those.
But no.
- Um, you know, to be honest, I kind of expected you to have some cooler props than that.
I mean-- - I'm bringing you gold here.
[watch beeps.]
oh, uh--sorry.
It's--sorry, it's-- it's my watch.
Agh! - Oh.
- Thing's so annoying.
Oh.
[electronic humming.]
- Wow, what marvel movie is that from? - No, that's--that's not-- That's not from a marvel movie.
That's a stupid wrap gift If you're a recurring on west wing, Which I was.
- Oh.
- It's a piece of crap.
- So, clark, on marvel's agents of s.
H.
I.
E.
L.
D.
, You play phil couln, who goes and recruits superheroes For s.
H.
I.
E.
L.
D.
, right? - It's also something that I enjoy doing in real life.
It's something I do on my downtime.
- As a hobby? Really? - Yeah, as a hobby.
It's something I really like to do.
Which leads me to ask, do you, scott, have any superpowers? - [scoffs.]
I don't know.
I've never thought about it, I guess.
- Ah, here we go.
- Whoa! - Let's find out if you've got superpowers or not.
- What are you doing with that? - This is a test to see if you're bulletproof.
- I'm not.
- Have you ever been shot? - No, I don't think so.
- Then how do you know? - Uh, please-- - okay, hold still.
One, two [gunshot.]
That's weird.
I must've missed or something.
[bell chimes.]
[clink.]
- Put that away.
- Okay.
- So, clark, do you have any hobbies? - I do have some hobbies.
Thanks for asking.
I love to read.
- Mm-hmm.
- And the only thing perhaps that I love more than reading Is telling other people what they should read.
- Oh.
- So it's time once again For clark's book corner.
[upbeat music.]
- Great.
Well, what do you have for us today? - Oh, well, I have a book That will scare the pants off of your viewers.
- Hmm.
- In fact, I-- - Oh.
- Ah, crap.
I forgot to bring it.
- Oh, that's okay.
Just tell us what it is.
- Sorry.
It's a stephen king book.
You know, I don't remember what it's-- I think it's c-- cujo something? - Wait, I know this one.
The one about the dog named cujo.
- There's a dog.
- It's called, like, cujo, the dog? Or cujo, the big, mean dog? - It's cujo, the sharp-toothed mutt? - The cujo chronicles? - Cujo goes out.
- Cujo, part six: Night of the crime wave? - Uh, little, tiny cujo? - Cujo cliff, space adventurer? - Cujo and his best friend, connor holbrook? - Tom cujo.
- Lisa cujo and courteney cox.
- Cujo just ate a guy? - Cujo does it.
- Coochie, coochie, cujo? - Oh! Just cujo.
Like, cujo is the title With "just," the word "just" before it.
- So the actual title is just cujo.
- No other dogs, just cujo.
- Just cujo, yeah, that-- God, I don't think that's it, either.
Hey, reggie, we're trying to come up With the name of this stephen king book.
You know the one, where cujo the dog Gets his head stuck in a limestone cave.
- A rabid bat bites him, and he turns all Gnarly.
- Evil, yeah.
- The langoliers? Both: That's it! Dual dialogue.
- Ohh! [both laugh.]
- Shortcut command "d.
" - Final draft.
- Final draft is the number-one-selling Screenwriting program in the world.
We here at bang! Bang! Use it, And so do emmy and academy award-winners.
All: We all use it.
- You should, too.
- Hmm.
All right.
We'll be right back with more clark gregg after this.
- So the last part of the dance is just Pat, pat, slap, slap, pose.
Okay, you got it? - Yeah.
- Here we go.
A-five, six, seven, eight.
[big band swing music.]
[rattling.]
[cheers and applause.]
great job.
Oh! - Ooh, hey.
- Thank you so much.
Thank you.
- Thanks, everyone.
- "I guess you don't put baby in the corner.
" And a stabbed him to death.
- Goodness.
Well, we're back here with clark gregg.
And attorney cody gossman will be out here In just a little bit.
And it's that time For reggie's rockin' record pick of the week.
All right, here we go.
So, reggie, it must've been a tough week for you, What with two of your favorite bands, The kooky kavemen and the sneedles Both releasing albums.
Reggie? - Huh? Yeah.
Yeah, it was-- it was really hard.
I mean, not really.
I mean I can't do this.
There's something more important than little record picks, And that's love.
[rock music.]
- Go, reggie, go! Find your true love.
[tires screech.]
- What? Jesus christ.
- I need to get to elm and hillhurst.
I'm in love.
- Okay, yeah, no problem.
It's just ten miles.
It's that way.
- Thanks for the help, pal.
- Okay, sure.
You the man.
- Ah - Oh, sure, we can get the sweat stains out.
It'll take about 45 minutes, But you're gonna look really nice for your sweetheart.
[laughs.]
[somber music.]
Well, heh heh, that took an hour longer than expected.
Now get out of here, you lovesick fool.
- [exhales nervously.]
Uh [clears throat.]
Would--would you go out with me? - What? Who are you? No.
- You were my waitress last night At blackbeard's fish shack.
- Okay.
Still no, though.
Now excuse me-- I was just about to throw away These old clothes and suitcase.
You know, lots of people find love in the workplace.
- Okay.
I'll try that.
- Yeah! Good luck.
[romantic music.]
[creepy music.]
- reggie We got our wig budget approved.
- Ugh! - Mr.
Watts You looked parched, So I brought you some water.
- you and me - I'm looking for love, Not water, you idiot! Hey, my rockin' record pick of the week Is by the kooky kavemen.
- Awesome.
All right, we'll be right back With more clark gregg.
Come on back.
- you got me rockin' like a dinosaur for millions of years and centuries like a dinosaur - you got me rockin' like a dinosaur you got me rockin' like a dinosaur - Hey, welcome back to the show.
We're here with clark gregg.
And, you know, justin, You don't have to stand there the whole time.
- Au contraire.
C.
L.
P.
Resources Is actually pretty strict about that sort of thing.
- Yeah, well, cool.
So are you having a good time today? Is this kind of what you want to end up doing? - That's a good question.
I mean, do I want to be a temp forever? No.
I was thinking about law school.
You know, that's a possibility.
You know, my dad's the one-- he's always on my case.
He's like, "justin, when are you gonna stop being a temp And get a real job?" you know? And I'm like, "September," 'cause that was always our plan.
Truthfully, maybe I'll go back to london.
I studied there second semester, junior year.
I love london.
It's awesome.
They got the big ben.
They got all that stuff.
But there's other stuff, too, that's not so touristy.
It's great.
Hey, but, you know, maybe I'll be A wisecracking book for the rest of my life.
That doesn't sound so bad, huh? What about you, man? Is this what you Want to be doing with the rest of your life? - Yeah.
All right, let's get to our next guest.
He is petitioning the u.
S.
Government To create a new national holiday.
Please welcome attorney cody gossman.
[upbeat music.]
Hi.
- Hello.
- Welcome.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Mr.
Gossman, welcome to the show.
- Thank you for having me.
- So tell me about this new holiday that you want created.
- Well, I represent an organization composed Of bad little boys from all across the nation.
- Wait, wait, wait-- bad little boys? - Boys who misbehave, get in trouble, break the rules.
- Oh, okay.
- So as you know, When a bad little boy misbehaves, what happens? He receives a spanking as punishment.
- Oh.
- So what we are trying to do Is create a national spank-free day for bad little boys.
Once a year, there should be a day when bad little boys Are not allowed to be spanked, no matter what they do.
- Okay, so what you're trying to do is create a day Where parents are not allowed to spank their children? - [laughs.]
You couldn't have gotten that more wrong.
No.
If your good little boy or girl misbehaves, You could still spank him or her.
It's only bad little boys who receive a pass on this day.
- Okay.
I think I get it.
I personally, though, Don't think anyone should spank their children.
- [laughs.]
How else will bad little boys learn to behave Unless you spank them, scott? You have to spank your kids.
- All right, well, I guess we'll agree to disagree.
But so tell me, how are you trying To get the government's attention? - Well, in addition to doing the talk show circuit, We've also written a song to help raise awareness.
- A song? - I'm glad you asked.
- Actually, I didn't, though.
[gentle music.]
- there are good boys who listen and do all their chores they say, "yes, please" and "thank you" and never slam doors but some little boys aren't so well-behaved they often are naughty and at times, quite depraved and each night as they cry and rub their sore bums they dream of they day they hope soon will come [upbeat music.]
it's spank-free day for bad little boys it's spank-free day for bad little boys they don't get a spank if they leave out their toys they don't get a spank if they read dad's playboys they don't get a spank if they make too much noise it's spank-free day for bad little boys Now, clark, let's just say you pulled the dog's tail.
- Stop everything! Stop everything! - Quinn abernathy.
- Who? - I represent a coalition of good little boys.
And we are opposed to this idea of a spank-free day For bad little boys.
A spank-free day is something that is earned By behaving and listening to mother.
It's not something the government gives you For no reason.
if I don't want a spanking, I do not make a mess if I don't want a spanking, I don't tear sister's dress if I don't want a spanking, I do not scream and shout if I don't want a spanking, I eat every brussels sprout if I don't want a spanking, I do not spill my drink if I don't want a spanking I don't dip sister's hair in ink [upbeat rock music.]
- aaaaah! why can't you good boys just give us one day? we're sick of you good boys always having your way our rumps are so sore, just give them a break we don't need to be spanked for our every mistake - learn to be good, that's my lesson to you - you don't think we're trying? it's so hard to do - you need to begin behaving with class - no, I need to begin kickin' your ass - Let's go! - All right! Shut off the music.
Cody, I'm not gonna tolerate this kind of behavior.
- He started it.
- I don't care who started it, young man.
You get down here and get on my knee.
Come on.
All right, we'll be right back with clark gregg.
Get in on this.
- Say you're bad.
- Let me get that.
- yeah, you got some people on the couch, doing stuff everybody loves them and shit - Welcome back to the show.
We're here with clark gregg, cody gossman, And quinn abernathy.
And, you know, sometimes it can be easy For celebrities to lose track of reality, And it's up to me to give them a reality check.
[upbeat music.]
Today's reality check is for former teen star courtney todd.
Courtney, you once had so much promise.
But now you're in the tabloids every day for your drug use, Your scandalous photos, and your reckless behavior.
You need to get your act together.
I mean, do you want to wind up like alvis dannerbrooks? Because if you keep spending your nights at club pluto With the likes of cindy infussery And cherokee scrampton, That's exactly what'll happen.
I mean, you're one d.
U.
I.
Away From being the next rusty p.
Claybill.
And I don't mean the rusty p.
Claybill Who sang santa claus dances with the moon.
I mean the olympic diver.
Look, you made some great movies.
Your performance as the titular character In melinda mannersmith was amazing, And the real-life melinda mannersmith thought so too.
But now, just look at the titles of your last two films: Palancey's scourge And the haunting of butterbelt manor.
I mean, those aren't exactly our man kelliwick, are they? You need to spend a little less time zooming around In your cherry green fexalatto on sockrind road, Snorting line after line of nyborg, Flashing everyone your flams, square as they are, And sleeping with everyone from t.
J.
Ouchieman To pete sampras, and spend a little more time Focusing on what's really important, Because we've only got so much time on this big, Blue marble we call partinkertink.
Well, that's been our show.
I want to thank our guests-- - sayonara, scott.
- Oh, bookie, you're back.
I thought you were sick.
- Confession time, fellas.
I was actually getting some work done.
My pages were getting a little frayed.
But a nip here, a tuck there, And now I can hold about 50 books.
- All right, well, I want to thank our guests clark gregg, Cody gossman, quinn abernathy.
I am out of here.
Bye, folks.
[upbeat music.]
- [vocalizing.]
- Shut up, dad! Okay, if I want to be a wisecracking book, Then you've got to support me.
I don't care! I want to be happy.
I don't want your life.
- [whispers.]
yikes.
[car alarm chirps.]
- No, I don't want to play jazz sax! [motorcycle revving.]
[clank.]
- The wolf dead.