Dan Vs. (2010) s02e17 Episode Script

1 You're listening to K-L-I-E, the Lie! The Lie! All conspiracy theories, all the time.
Now, before we give you proof that Bigfoot is working for the Vatican, it's time to-- Morning, Dan.
Shhh! --That's right, we're honoring the twenty-fifth anniversary of the film, "Space Monkeys from Planet Space" by giving away another awesome prize! Space Monkeys from Planet Space? That is the greatest movie of all time! We're actually giving away the actual Space Monkey Death Ray Gun used by Captain Jack Tatterson.
The gun Captain Tatterson used to defeat the Blorg at the top of Mount Climax.
Sending all the monkeys into the green-screen abyss of planet space.
Alright, the Space Monkey Death Ray Gun will go to the ninety-seventh caller who can tell me the name of the Space Monkeys from Planet Space's Cinematographer's Third Grandchild's elementary school.
William Henry Harrison! William Henry Harrison! I can't get through! Hello? Hi, you're on KLIE, The Lie! The Lie! Can you tell me the name of the cinematographer's Third Grandchild's elementary school? William Henry Harrison! William Harry Henderson! Uhwe'll take it! (cheering) And now for the piece de resistance.
Behold the deadly elegance of the Death Ray.
You can leave now, Chris.
I'd like some time alone with my new toy.
YOUR new toy? Dan, I was the one who called in and answered the trivia question.
You wouldn't have even known about the contest if I didn't tell you about it.
PLUS I was the one who introduced you to Space Monkeys in the first place! I won the contest fair and square.
The Death ray is mine.
Is this really how you want to treat your best friend? After all I've done for you? Ow! Ah! Gah! Be careful! You could have broken my precious death ray! Don't come any closer.
I'll drop it.
I swear.
You wouldn't You sure you want to find out? Sorry, Dan.
This is my death ray.
And you can't have it.
Feel free to visit it though.
CHRISSSSSS!!!!!! Ha! Mr.
Mumbles?! Have you seen my gas mask anywhere? Meow!!! Ah, high school My lucky hand grenade.
I remember the day I found you Hmmmaybe I don't.
Oh well, I'm going to need all the luck I can get.
Hey, you found it! (baby talk) And you look so cute! Even though its our first time working together, I have supreme confidence that you're gonna really stink.
(indoors o.
s) SKUNKKK!!!!! A little trophy case.
How adorable.
Now let's just see how lucky you are.
Stupid! Bullet! Proof! Glass! Ahhhhrrrrr!!! Well, it's like the old saying, there's more than one way to swipe a death ray gun.
Where is it? Huh.
Didn't know I still had this.
I'm just glad I took a nap yesterday instead of cleaning the house.
Yes Chris your foresight is staggering.
Do you hear that? Hey folks! Almost done here.
I'll be our of your hair in no time.
What are you doing?! Reclaiming what is rightfully mine.
What is wrong with you? First you stink up my house, and now you cut it in half? All because you're too selfish to let your best friend keep the measly little toy he won.
I'll have you know that measly little toy saved the entire human race from being enslaved by space yetis.
Technically, it was the monkeys that were first enslaved.
I know, Chris.
You explained it to me on our wedding night.
As much as I'm enjoying this chit chat, I do have work to do.
This isn't over! (dj on the radio) which proves that Santa Fe was in fact destroyed by UFOs.
Total cover up.
Next up, we got a very special phone interview with the most enviable man in America, the winner of Jack Tatterson's death ray! (dan screams) Are you there, Chris? (chris on the radio) Hi everybody! Ahhh! Oh what kind of idiot-- Hello, Dan.
I'm thinking we keep the insurance companies out of this and you just pay me cash.
And what are you even doing here? Chris didn't clear your visit with me.
Well, we're on a cross country trip and we were going to surprise junior to show her our brand new, undamaged RV.
So much for that Hey, this little fender bender doesn't compare with the morning I've had.
Your son in law crossed the line and now I must put him out of his misery.
Are you saying you want to destroy our son-in-law? And leave our daughter a widow? Pretty much.
My plan involves two Bengal tigers, an albino child, and five-- No, SIX gallons of hummus.
I haven't really worked out all the details.
Maybe, maybe you should come with us Whoa.
Hey, I thought you were fixing the wall.
First I'm getting back at Dan.
The way he would get back at me.
Which do you think makes more sense? Catapulting a chainsaw or chainsawing a catapult? I know this seems like crazy talk, but WHAT IF in the interest of keeping the peace, you just gave him the toy? I can't do that.
If you had tuned into my radio interview you'd know this is the ACTUAL Ray Gun that-- --Captain Tatterson used to shoot the blah blah blah in the yadda yadda yadda.
I know.
I don't think you do.
You know what? Chainsaw the catapult! Yes! We've had this in the works for a long time.
Ever since Jr's wedding.
We call it "Operation Get-Rid-of Chris.
" We really need to come up with a code name or something.
Hmm So if I'm reading this right, Chris steps onto a target, a crate drops on him, and you're automated system boxes him up and ships him to a ball-bearing factory in Siberia? That's right.
It'll take him years to get home.
And by then, Junior will have found a new husband.
Colby.
Colby.
It looks like you have it all worked out.
So my question is: What do you need me for? Well with all that we've worked out, we still can't put our plan in motion without having more information on Chris's habits.
Oh! Like, he eats four gallons of ice cream a day, is afraid of swivel chairs, uses a strange thing in his hair called "conditioner"-- Oh! This is perfect.
We're going to make a great Chris-crushing team! Yes, it all sounds fantastic except for one thing: I'm not gonna do it.
Why not? Our plan is-- Exactly.
It's YOUR plan, not mine.
Plus, why would I trust people who'd knock off their own son-in-law? Why you little-- Let him go, Don.
Save it for Chris.
.
.
you don't tell me what the plan is, I tell YOU what the plan is Huh.
I have that same poster.
And I have that exact foosball table.
Weird.
Wait a minute Unhand my cat, you wretch! (elderly lady o.
s.
) Oh, my poor old lady hip! You! Hey, Dan.
I figured that since you can't tell the difference between your stuff and my stuff You gave everything away? Even my box of Dan's special memories? All of it.
How does that feel? RRraaarrhh! Was that a grenade? Oof! (choking sound) Congratulations, Dan.
Now your apartment is as bleak and empty as your soul.
Have a nice day! Chris is going to get his I don't care if he DID leave me with my cereal and milk.
What? Oh, no Oh you no good, rotten-- uurrgghh! Mr.
Mumbles You have to Kill me.
Please.
YOWLS.
I don't know how! Just do it! So then, just as the Space Monkey Overlord was sure he had won Oh thank goodness.
Hello? It's Dan.
I'm in.
Good.
Hey, Don? Remember that documentary we wanted to go see tonight? No.
I hate documentaries.
But this one's about SIBERIA.
Why would I care about-- Oh! Oh! Oh! Right! Right! The one about the guy who's sent to Siberia.
I heard it's got a happy ending.
It's on.
Tonight.
That sounds fun.
Maybe we could all go? You wouldn't like it.
Do you think it was my Space Monkeys story? Yes I do.
We are in position.
(dan o.
s.
) (over radio) Any second now, Chris will be getting his 11:38 snack.
Operation Siberian Husky is a go.
Now THAT'S a code name! I'm going to double-check the house is locked up.
Can't be too careful with Dan on the warpath.
Mmm-hmm.
(crashing sound) Come on, lucky hand grenade Don't fail me now--Whup! Hello? Is someone in here? Huh.
Was this X always that big? Where did all this stuff come from? Uh Elise? What I wouldn't give for six gallons of hummus right now.
Uh, honey? I don't want to alarm you, but where do we keep the fire extinguisher? It's under the--wait, why!? Come on, you stupid-- Finally! Dan! Uh-oh.
(sirens) What happened? Dan happened.
He was setting some kind of trap and burned our garage down.
And Chris, you didn't get shipped anywh uh.
Are you okay? I'm fine.
Thanks.
I'm not fine, Chris.
I don't care if you have to cut the ray gun in half, you need to settle this now! You're right, Elise.
The answer's been staring me in the face all along.
You won't have to worry about this anymore.
Um, where are you going? Dan's house.
To end this.
So are you a hundred percent albino? Don't lie to me, kid! Hey, what are you-- Operation Siberian Husky is back on! Chris is on his way over here right now! And all you have to do is to get him sit on your toilet.
Got it.
Wait, then where am I going to-- (pounding on door) I assume you've come to work out the terms of your surrender.
Hardly.
I came over to settle our disagreement once and for all.
A novel idea.
But how do you propose we-- Ow! Jerk! How did Captain Jack Tatterson and the Space Monkey Overlord resolve THEIR differences? Mano a mano In a circle of equals A duel to the death At the edge of Felix Sanchez State Park Space Monkey Rock.
Fitting.
I accept.
But first, would you like to use my bathroom? Hey! Are you here to cheer me on? Never mind them.
You've got to get your head in the game.
Now look, this should be a cake walk.
You're bigger than Dan, you're stronger All right, Dan.
Remember, Chris is bigger than you, and stronger than you Probably faster.
This is your idea of a pep talk? But you have something he doesn't.
What's that? Unbridled madness.
Now if you get into trouble, I've made a slight modification in your pugil stick.
Where did you learn to make something like that? And if you press this button, a cattle prod pops out.
I'd prefer a flamethrower.
Beggars and choosers.
Hey the charge in this baby should put Chris down like a sack of potatoes.
Now get out there and murder him! So, do you want to say one two three go or somethin-- RRAAARRHHH!!! RRRAAARRHHH!!! Go Dan! Get him, son! Ahhh! Whoops.
Oof! After all I've done for you! You burn down my house? For the last time, you can't have my toy! It's.
MY.
Toy! (electricity zapping sound) Chris! Wake up.
It's getting good.
Nngg.
What are we doing? Last I checked, you were about send me plummeting to my death.
You don't get off that easy.
Give me your hand.
(elise sr.
o.
s.
) Oh, come on! Why didn't you kill me? I was going to.
But then I thought, "nah.
" I'm going home.
We'll talk about this tomorrow.
Here, Dan.
A Death Ray should never come between friends.
I want you to have it.
Really? Yes.
Thanks, Chris.
This means a lot.
I don't really have anywhere to put it, though.
My Dan's box of special memories! You didn't give it away after all.
Nope.
I couldn't bring myself to.
Hey, they're doing a 25th annivsersary screening of Space Monkeys tonight.
You want to go? You bet, buddy.
Ah, there's nothing quite like friendship, is there, Mr.
Mumbles? Meow! Huh.
What's this X doing on the floor? Oh, no.
(dan o.
s) Oh, come on! Welcome to new job, Yankee pig-dog! (laughs) Ha, ha.
I am fun boss! I'm in Siberia, aren't I? Da.
You make ball bearings now.
Here is chisel.
Here is metal cube.
You make like this! I never catch a lucky break.
I should be home in bed right now.
(mr.
mumbles snoring) YEOWLS.