Dharma & Greg s02e17 Episode Script

Okay, et's take a fina ceansing breath.
And remember, as we go out campaigning this morning we are all energies, beams of light warming the city accepting what we can't change and changing what we can't accept.
Okay.
Let's pass around the job hat.
I think we should call it the "opportunity hat.
" Oh, good idea.
Put that in the suggestion shoe.
- Can I be head of security? - Don't think we're gonna need security.
When you run for office, everybody's out to get you.
Remember the old saying: "When you run for office, everybody's out to get you.
" - Got it.
Okay, Abby.
- Okay.
Oh, "Write campaign song.
" - You peeked.
- No, I just picked it out.
- Sn't that wid? - Okay, Jane.
"Have an aromatherapy facia.
" - What? - I put that in there.
Thought it'd be a nice treat for somebody.
You got my vote.
Celia, por favor.
"Write speech for chamber of commerce breakfast.
" That's great because you can practice your English.
Here we grow again.
- Hello.
- Hey, what are you doing home so early? Decided to take a week's vacation and help you start your campaign.
- Really? Thank you.
- You're wecome.
Okay, everybody, Greg's gonna be working with us today.
Greg, introduce yourself.
- Well, okay.
- Hi, Greg.
'M Greg, the candidate's husband and I have some experience that might help.
I was the youngest delegate ever to attend a national convention.
And since then, 've worked on, gosh, half a dozen state and local races and last year, I ran for Congress.
Yeah.
- Okay, Abby, pass him the job hat.
- Job hat? I thought you said you've done this before.
Go ahead.
Pick out a job.
Okay.
"Lick stamps.
" Edna, you have an assistant.
Look at this, ladies.
See how straight Greg's stamps are? That's very good, Greg.
T's nice to have a seasoned campaigner aboard.
"Pedge to fight crime, put bad men in jai and cean up our dirty bitches"? - Think you mean "beaches"? - Sí, beaches.
' Just change that mysef.
There, see? Montgomery for supervisor.
Jeans and a T-shirt.
Yeah, guess they're pretty tight.
No, don't know what you're doing.
Oh, you know, that is a wonderful, and in this day and age very safe expression of your sexuality.
Have a great day.
Vote for Dharma.
- Hey, Larry.
- Hey, Pete.
- Thought 'd come over and hep.
- Great.
Hey.
- Did you pack this briefcase yourself? - Yeah.
Did anyone unknown to you give you any items to put in that briefcase? - No.
- Has this briefcase been under your control at all times? - Yes.
Do you have any fruit or agricultural products? - 'M going in, Larry.
- Okay.
You're cear.
Hey, ook who's here.
Every time I turn around lately, there he is.
You married him.
He's your husband.
That does not give him the right to stalk me.
Aren't you gonna say hi to the little woman? - Oh, hi, ma'am, how are you? - No, your - Your wife.
- Oh, no.
We're having the worst fight we've ever had.
- And we've had some doozies.
- You've ony been married two days.
T's pretty stressfu, the three of us living in that apartment.
- Three of you? - She's got her ex-boyfriend iving with us.
Mean, he's a nice guy, great cook.
Problem is every time he has a bad dream, he crawls into bed with us.
Great, now 'm gonna have bad dreams.
So answer me this: How can he say he can't seep with Marcus in the bed when he's the one snoring a night ike he's got beans in his nose? Jane, some guys are really bothered by having another guy in the bed.
Marcus isn't.
And it's not just Marcus.
She's kind of scary.
'M pretty sure she stuck beans up my nose.
Pete, isten to me.
You don't ike Jane, Jane doesn't ike you.
The only reason you got married was you didn't wanna be aone on Vaentine's Day.
True.
You're saying it was a mistake? Pete, if you took all the mistakes you ever made they woudn't fi up the beybutton of this mistake.
Run.
Flee.
Go to the courthouse and get this marriage annulled.
Oh, don't know, Greg.
Annument's a big decision.
You know, think 'm gonna go talk to Marcus.
He's known her a ot onger than have.
Are you listening to this? Jane, 'm eaving now.
But I want you to know 'm doing everything can to work on our relationship.
Whie you're out, will you pick up some beans? Honey, honey, can I talk to you? How cute are their kids gonna be? Yeah.
Dharma, I wanna talk to you about my job here.
Abby said that your stamps are the straightest.
They are, but I think that I could be doing more.
Maybe I could help you come up with a campaign strategy.
We already have an amazing strategy.
Instead of imposing my platform and ideas on the people of San Francisco 'm gonna et them come to me and tell me what they want.
Check it out.
"'M Dharma.
Te me what you want.
" - Are these already up? - All over town.
They have our phone number and it doesn't say you're running for office.
'M gonna te them that when they ca.
T's a teaser.
T's a teaser, a right.
Here.
Dharma for supervisor.
Well, that is a very friendly offer, sir, but 'd rather sit on the board of supervisors.
Don't forget to vote.
I want everyone to know that my speech to the Chamber of Commerce this morning was a big hit.
Special thanks to Celia for writing it.
It was so much better before she donkeyed around with it.
Okay.
Next, it seems that the poster campaign has created a little misunderstanding.
We can't ignore the fact that a lot of voters are starved for sex.
Is there any ideas on how to help these lonely guys? We, why don't we recruit them as volunteers and then send them door to door, and they can meet new people? Somebody should write this down.
- Can I talk to you for a second? - Sure.
Are you sure this is how you wanna run your campaign? - What do you mean? - Well, for starters having people pick jobs out of a hat with no regard for skis doesn't work.
Yes.
I get to wear the carrot suit.
Okay, sometimes you get lucky, but it's not the way to get eected.
Greg, know this isn't exacty the way you would run a campaign.
But reay wanna make sure everyone's included and everyone feels equal.
But you have a Harvard-educated lawyer licking stamps.
Honey, 'm sorry that you're unhappy but it's reay important to me to try this my way.
- Can you do that for me? - Okay.
I hope you know that you don't have to ick stamps.
We have those little spongy things.
Okay.
We're passing around the opportunity hat.
"Get unch.
" - ' Have a turkey sandwich.
- Great.
Larry? - Tofu turkey.
- Okay.
Tofu turkey.
Larry? On wheat-free bread with egg-free mayonnaise and dairy-free cheese.
Oh, that sounds good.
' Have the same exact thing.
Except open-faced Reuben.
Leave it in the elevator.
Hey, is somebody getting lunch? ' Take a hot dog.
Could you hold on a second? - Dharma? - Yeah, honey.
Why is that man naked? Oh, that's Teddy.
He's gonna bring in our nudist vote.
And he's a Teamster, so that won't hurt.
Nothing on the hot dog.
- No ketchup, no mustard.
- Got it.
No dressing of any kind.
Just the frank.
One hundred percent beef.
I got it.
All right, and as we reach for our toes think about reaching out to all the voters today.
Oh, good job, Teddy.
Everyone, ook at how Teddy's doing the stretch.
Oh, jeez Okay.
Now et's take our final cleansing breath.
Good.
Let's see what we have in the suggestion shoe.
Okay.
"Make Larry head of security.
" - That was mine.
- Really? "Choose from any number of historically proven methods to effectively disseminate a campaign message.
" A 'm saying is the posters aren't working.
We should think about some radio spots, maybe a print ad.
You mean something to get the peope's attention.
- Exactly.
- Like a parade.
- Well, l - What a great idea, Greg.
- Oh, yes.
- Let's have a parade.
Awesome! Didn't didn't say anything about a parade.
- Let's go.
- Didn't say Great idea, Greg.
Brilliant.
Some people should just lick stamps.
Come on, guys, everybody's entited to a bad idea, even Greg.
What was I thinking? Peope, peope, et's not bame.
Try to remember, blame ends with M-E.
So does "ame.
" Dharma, 'm trying, reay am.
But it's hard for me to watch you run a campaign where decisions are based on the I Ching where chanting is considered a strategy where Oh, my God, Teddy's sitting on the sofa, soaking wet.
No, no, no, he put paper down, Greg.
Okay, 've got towes for everybody.
There.
Hey, hey, everybody.
Hey, look at this.
"Former Assembywoman Karen Love enters city supervisor's race.
" What does it say, Larry? "Speaking at a press conference this morning Ms.
Love officially threw her hat in the" Teddy, could you bend over a little bit? Ring, Larry, ring.
Don't mind the competition.
T's just her name.
Karen Love.
I mean, how can you vote against care and love? We've got bigger probems than that.
Maybe I should change my name to Lower Taxes And Balloons For The Kids.
This woman's a serious candidate.
If you wanna be in this race, run a more serious campaign.
My campaign is serious, Greg.
Montgomery for supervisor.
T doesn't matter what 'm wearing.
All that matters is that you vote for the most serious candidate Dharma Montgomery.
Yes, we, you're a bad boy.
Very, very, very bad boy.
The pervert vote is very big in San Francisco.
Hello.
Yeah, this is Montgomery campaign headquarters.
No, the candidate isn't avaiabe now, but maybe I can help you.
- 'M her press secretary.
- That' be news to Ceia.
Could you hold on a moment? Karen wants to debate you on a public access station.
- That's great.
- T's not great.
This woman was in the state assembly.
She's a awyer.
She knows how to debate.
- Don't? - No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
See, I could do this all day.
- No, you don't.
This is Dharma.
Just tell me when and where.
Three o'cock? No, that absoutey will not do.
That will not stand.
Just kidding.
But that's a taste of what you're up against.
Dharma, you're gonna get kied.
You think this woman is better than me? This afternoon in a debate? Well, yes, she is.
So you would vote for her over me.
- No, you're my wife.
- F weren't.
F you weren't, woudn't know you were running unless I was one of your telephone pervert spank boys.
You know, you have done nothing but criticize me from day one.
You're unorganized, underfunded and unprepared for this debate.
We, you're unhepfu, uncompromising and un-flexible.
- The word is "infexibe.
" - It ought to be tattooed on your ass.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- What are you doing in there? What are you doing? There's a necktie on the door.
- T's my office.
- And there's a necktie on the door.
- Who is it? - T's Greg.
- Didn't you put a necktie on the door? - Yeah.
- Hey, Greg.
- What are you doing in there? Having make-up sex.
What are you doing here? T's my office.
I thought you were helping with the campaign.
- Bet they had a fight.
- Bet they did.
Get out of my office.
So you can use work to hide from the problems in your marriage? Don't think so, buddy.
We care about you too much.
Hey, this is my necktie.
Hey, check it out.
Check it out.
I just dug up a little dirt on your opponent, Ms.
Karen Love.
- Where did you find this? - They're giving them out at the door.
"Fubright Schoar.
" "Master's degrees in poitica science, economics and urban panning.
" Somebody can't focus.
Hi.
You must be Dharma.
Hi, 'm Karen Love.
Well, nice to meet you.
- Super to meet you.
- Thank you.
Listen, we never talked about this.
Would you be more comfortable with the Oxford Debating Society rules Modified Parliamentary or just straight National Forensic? The first one.
Thought we'd stay away from municipal bond issues.
That's gonna get us into a discussion of amortization tables, and who wants that? Not me.
Alrighty.
This is gonna be in English, right? And all I was trying to do was help her.
There's your mistake.
Never try to help them with their cockamamie ideas.
Remember your mother and her antique store? Did you ever hear me say, "Don't open an antique store in an airport?" No, didn't.
Did you ever hear me say, "Ony spoied rich women would want to shop for Victorian furniture on a two-hour ayover?" You You did say that about a thousand times.
But never once to your mother, which is the key.
You don't te them what to do.
You just let them fail on their own and then enjoy a nice chuckle with your buddies.
And this is the secret to your marriage? Used to be the secret.
Now you know.
'M sorry, we're out of pâté.
Oh, you know what this city needs? This city needs a 24-hour pâté service.
We could call it Pâté All Night.
Think that's rather cever, don't you? Pâté All Night.
Edward, what do you think? Can't wait to te my friends about it.
Pâté All Night.
So I think the answer lies with us.
We can't send our chidren off to be educated without participating.
Parents need to take a role in their children 's education.
So, what about working parents who don't have time to participate? We, if they care, they' find some time.
T's about making choices.
The only people who can choose whether or not they want to work are rich people like my opponent.
- Who me? 'm not rich.
- Aren't you married to Greg Montgomery? Son of Edward Montgomery of Montgomery Industries? - Well, yes, but just - That may not be rich at the Bent Oaks Country Club where, oh, see you're a member.
Junior member.
To the working class of San Francisco that's "oad up the truck and move to Bevery" rich.
- That's not my money.
- That's your famiy's money.
Well, they are hardly talking to me right now because they think 'm crazy for running.
So the people who know you best think you're crazy.
- Well - So you're a crazy rich woman with nothing better to do than run for office? - No.
L - Time.
What? No.
All I said is that kids need help with their homework.
- Time - Time to vote for Dharma Montgomery.
- Hey.
- Hey! - Hi.
- Hi.
- I sucked.
- No, you didn't.
Did you see where I said that police should live in the precinct they patrol? And somehow that meant that I wanted armed sea lions to patrol the wharf.
That's her game.
That's how she avoids taking a stand on issues.
Well, it worked.
She kied me.
T's over.
No, it's not.
You have to keep running.
You've got a ot of reay good ideas.
- You think so? - Yeah.
Your opening statement everything you said before she - Chopped my suey.
- Well, yeah.
- Snapped my bean.
Creamed my corn.
- Honey, have you eaten today? - Oh, my God, no, 'm starving.
- Have some pâté.
- Pâté? I had a craving, long story.
Dharma, you can do this.
You really can.
You just have to learn how to campaign.
I need your help.
- Okay.
But on one condition.
- What's that? You kick Karen Love's ass.
Okay, don't care what this says about me but that is the sexiest thing you have ever said.
- Dharma? - Marcus.
I woke up and Pete and Jane were gone.
- Oh, sweetie.
Come here.
- So? I had a bad dream.
He's not gonna get into bed with us, is he? Just until he falls asleep, then you can carry him back out to the couch.
Hello? Flannel nightgown.
Why, what are you wearing?